About Me

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Portland, Oregon, United States
Middle aged crazy, a little on the broken side,been to hell and back and still make side trips into Purgatory to indulge the masochistic side of my personality. I'm Texan,Southern,Over-educated,arrogant, temperamental,oversexed but under-indulged.Chasing after younger men and the happiness that has eluded me for most of my life.Music and literature are my passions.Finally living the dream in my idea of Heaven.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Dear Roger: Dont Hump The Monkey!

So maybe getting Spencer a monkey chew toy wasn't the brightest of ideas. I thought it was cute. He liked it and he drug it around all over the house by the leg or the head, chewing on it and yes, off and on, humping it. He is a male puppy. Boys are weird, we have established that al long time ago. Daughter kept picking the monkey up and setting it out of his reach, and occasionally when he was working it over, she would make distressed noises and try to hand him his other chew toy which he doesn't much care for. When we were eating dinner the other night and Spencer was assaulting it in inappropriate ways, she asked,"What is he doing to that poor monkey?" I said that he was just wrestling with it, (after all, she is 7), but my ever helpful, watched too damn much Animal Planet, son, Stubby had to go and say, "No mom, hes trying to mate with it!" The look on her face was priceless, and everyone laughed, but she was not happy. She yelled,"Spencer! that's not appropriate at dinner time!" and then she marched over and took the monkey away from him and put it in her room. I knew things were about to get ugly last night when Stubby kept teasing her about Spencer getting bigger and ripping apart the monkey like Ferg used to rip apart his play toys, and then Stub made the fatal mistake, he said,"Im going to give him Jackson!"
No blood was drawn, and I managed to get them separated enough to prevent any serious injuries, but it was a close thing. She will do something vile to her brothers in their sleep one of these days for all the teasing and harassment they put her through, and honestly...I would have to testify on her behalf. They have been unrelenting lately and him threatening Jackson was the last straw. He got sent to bed early, and I spent a good hour talking her out of doing horrible things to him and calming her down.
Shes been in a rough spot lately. As the only girl in the house,(besides me and I dont count), she gets all the teasing and harassment. They gang up on her teasing her about her favorite fella, hiding her monkey, messing up her drawings, interrupting her skits and singing, and just attempting to make her crazy. She was like the only child for over and year, and now she is competeting with her brothers for time and attention and space as well as having to put up with all the crap they do to her. I am amazed she hasn't snapped more than she has.Some people tell me that growing up with 3 older brothers will make her tougher, I guess they have that right, but it will also make her meaner and a hell of a lot more likely to kick ass first and ask questions later, especially when a monkey is involved.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Dear Roger: Back to Over-Achieving

As if I didn't have enough to do, I have adopted a dog and I am working on training it as a therapy dog. Hes already been a much needed salve for my wounded soul, and just by having him and his goofy puppy self around, I feel happier and less stressed out for some reason. I dont know if its that new pup smell, or if if the fact that cuddling something that just listens and loves to cuddle without demanding anything is what I needed. Hes going to be a moose. Hes half Bull Mastiff, half Bloodhound and his paws are huge. Hes an odd color for that combination, (black with white markings), but I can see the underlying brown around his nose and eyes and hes got the mastiff muzzle and eyes with the hound ears and tail. Hes cute as hell and seems to be pretty damn smart. Hes already learned to lead and potty training is going well. The only accident has been on sons watch when he put him down on the rug before taking him out. Lucky it was a cheap rug from Ikea and it will wash.
He was flea ridden when I got him so before I even brought him in the house I went and bought a flea treatment and put it on him. He needs his shots and worming and a myriad of things that all pups need, and I have that scheduled for the first week of the month. I have decided to wait on the neutering until hes around 6months old, in order to give him some time to mature, the only drawback to that is that he has already spent a great deal of time humping his monkey chew toy, much to my eldest sons amusement and daughters horror.
Crate training is going well. He likes to have the space away from all the commotion and it gives me a place to put him where I know hes not eating sons guitar. I was never a fan of crating until I moved into an apartment, but I think its a great idea.
The kids have been over the moon with him. There was quite a debate over his name, and daughter got shouted down pretty quickly when she tried to suggest,"Jackson", so she was annoyed at us for a while, but my oldest son suggested Spencer, and daughter quickly supported it, and I really couldn't find anything wrong with the idea, so the new guy is named 'Spencer".
Stubby spends a lot of time in the floor, laying down next to him, talking to him, and that is what I was hoping for. Stub needs that. Sticky and the pup play all over the house and the pup seems to be really gentle with him, which is wonderful. My daughter has already asked me to build a saddle for him so her monkey,"Jackson" can ride him around. The humor is never ending around here now.
Work has kept me very busy this last week. I worked as an extra one day for a new show that is coming out this fall. It wasn't as much fun as working on Portlandia. I doubt I would do it again.
Daughter is still finishing her weeks worth of homework in less than a 1/2 hour and finding her spelling words and math to be a joke. She took a timed math test where she was supposed to complete as many as possible in 2 minutes. She took time to argue with her brother and throw a pencil, and still finished them all in 1.45 seconds. I talked to the principal about advancing her a grade or two in order to keep her from getting bored, or at least putting her in advanced English and Math classes and maybe leaving her in her class for everything else, though her art and such is also advanced for her class, he is supposed to be setting something up. Hopefully they will figure something out quick, the child has a temper and is already showing signs of frustration and boredom. If shes like this at 7, by the time she is a teen, she will be on the road to dropping out in frustration, just like I was.
My sis is still struggling with the suicide of her friend.I have tried to explain to her, that its not what she did or didn't do that would have made a difference, when the pain is that deep, its hard to pull back from that edge, you have to have some pretty deep and well set anchors and if you dont, then its easy to just take that final step off the edge. I have stood on that edge, one foot out into the space over the abyss, ready to drop and what pulled me back was a voice that said,"Mommy?" Without him I would have fallen and even then I have walked the razors edge. Self-loathing, depression, weariness of the soul, are hard things to fight. If you are alone or surrounded by friends, those things just seep into your soul and pull your down until you feel like you have nothing left. My sis is hopefully starting to understand, but suicide destroys those around it just as much as it does the person who commits it.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Dear Roger:Explaining The Seemingly Unexplainable

My sisters best friend shot and killed herself a few days ago. It was a huge shock to everyone because she seemed to have it all, a fantastic career, a good husband, and a happy life, and she was a tough chick who everyone saw as the ,'Strong one". But for some reason she saw fit to very coldly and calculatingly, lay out all her work materials so they could be returned, write letters to her husband and family, and then post a note on her front door telling her husband not to come into the house, to call the sheriffs department, and then once it was all laid out, she shot herself.
I grew up with this woman. We had fought when we were younger, made our peace as we got older and she was my sisters best friend, God mother to my nieces and nephews. I respected her as someone who really had her shit together and I counted on her to keep an eye on my sister.
When my sister called to tell me, she was understandably devastated and confused as to why her friend would do this horrible thing, but then she started telling me about what all had been going on in her life and I started to understand. The chick had always been, "The strong one, the tough one" and the person everyone looked to that would keep forging ahead when things got bad.She was the one everyone counted on to fight back the monsters and clean up the mess. She was battle weary.
Im not excusing her. But I understand her. Its scary to me though, because she had so many more reasons to keep going on and to keep fighting. Yeah, her family was just as fucked up as mine, but she had a great husband. She had a great career that she had just gotten promoted in and she never had to worry about money. I am constantly struggling and cant even afford a car. She had friends that she lunched with and went places with and regular human contact with a live man. I have a couple of friends I talk to a few times a week, and though its slowly getting better, I sometimes have gone for days on end without talking to another adult. As for contact from a man? Its been years. Pressure to perform...she was in a high stress job with demands on her time that involved peoples lives. If she didn't do what she was supposed to do and do it well, people could suffer and die. She traveled a lot and was under a lot of pressure caring for a sick family member as well. Believe it or not, that eats you more than anything else. That daily push to keep bringing in the resources to keep your world afloat, to keep everyone fed and clothed and alive, and to care for people who depend on you absolutely for everything...sometimes it leaves you nothing of yourself. The loneliness just builds and it becomes harder and harder to snap back from each loss or each stress. You begin to see yourself as a failure and as weak for not being better at what you do and you start to dwell on all the sins and mistakes of your past and you wonder about all the,"what ifs", you begin to dread the start of yet another day and another battle. Its not that you hate the people around you, its just that you hate yourself more for failing them.
It could be parents that made you feel like nothing you ever did was good enough, or peers that always seemed to be after your job and trying to stab you in the back, or that brass ring that was always just out of reach, something was missing. She had lost loved ones close to her and that takes a huge bite out of you. Not having close family connections and then losing the few that you are close to, can leave you feeling like you are adrift in the ocean with sharks underneath and nothing to cling to. Friends or family cant save you. You have to save yourself and finding a reason every morning to get up and keep breathing is sometimes the hardest thing to do. Laying in bed, thinking about how lonely it is, how much stress you have to deal with, all the demands on your day with no resolution to the problems unless you come up with them, is sometimes a horrible feeling. You dont want to face it. Even if you do have someone next to you, you can feel alone and lost, and if you are alone, its all the more difficult. Some people just have it in them to keep getting up and putting on their boots and facing the daily battle because they know its the right thing to do for the ones depending on them. She, I think, had reached a point where she believed the ones she was getting up for were okay on their own, and she was weary of facing it.
I am sad she quit. It scares me because if someone like her, who had her shit together and had it all, quits so early in the fight, then where does that leave the fuck-ups like me?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Dear Roger:Arguing for Arguings Sake and Souless Gingers?

Sometimes I have to wonder if my eldest son doesnt have a bit of a daredevil, Jackass, self-destructive streak in him? Last night was a prime example of why I have to wonder these things. He knows how his sister feels about young Jackson Rathbone, he knows that his little brother will take the other side of any argument and stubbornely and pugilistically defend it, to the point of partially destroying the house. So when he casually remarked at the dinner table after church that,'Gingers dont have souls, and Oh By the way Sis, Jackson is a ginger." I KNEW it was about to get interesting when Stubby jumped up and squawked,"You are wrong! Everyone has a soul!" Little girl fell out of her chair onto the floor clutching her monkey while her big brother grinned at me and went on eating his pizza.
I had to ask him."Why?" It had been a relatively peaceful evening. Eveyone had enjoyed church. I had enjoyed my peace and quiet at home, and I was looking forwad to sending them all to bed shortly and then going to sleep myself, but with dropping that bomb in the middle of the table, I knew it was going to be heated.
We do often engage in a family hobby of,'Defend your side." Its yet another one of the games I came up it and its a take on my days on the mock trial team from college where a topic is basically put on trial and one of the kids is the defence, another is the prosecution and I am, of course the judge. We hold a trial to see if the topic or sometimes even if the child is guilty of the offence and what the punishment should be. Its how we decided to ban video games, most tv programs, and quite a few other things. it gets the kids thinking. Daughter is really good at it and she will argue a stone to tears. Stubby is not so good at it. He tends to get angry and stomp off and throw a baby fit.
Son started presenting evidence about why he believed the aforementioned were gingers and thus souless, and I quickly disarmed daughter of the ballbat and reminded her that while wanting to defend the boy she adores and prays for daily is an honorable thing, using violence to do it is probably not the best way. I got her to start thinking up her arguements in his defense while Stubby just started getting louder and angrier. He is like a terrier. He gets wound up and angry and then wont let go of something until its dead or ripped apart, so I knew unless we got him settled or distracted quickly, it was all going to end badly. Daughter started presenting her arguments,(and subtle threats to my eldest son) and I had to say I was impressed. She will make a hell of a lawyer, (or assassin) when she is older. Son She glared at Stubby for interrupting her arguments and told him that if he didnt sit down and be quiet was going to,"Put a hurting on him" because,'Souls were at stake" and since she had been going to church longer she felt like more of an authority to handle it. At that point, Stubby stomped off to pout for a bit, and my eldest son listened to her arguments a bit longer and then tried to annoy her more by just picking on something else about her favorite boy, but she said,"You are just jealous, so I am done talking to you." and she took her monkey and left. I say she won that one. Stubby needs to work on his technique. He has always been more emotionally fragile than my other children and I try to get his older brother to see that, but its hard to know what to do. I mean do you continue to baby him and tell people to not pick on him because he will stomp off and cry, or do you work to help him become stronger and less likely to do that? Ive been struggling with that one since I got him back. Sticky tends to stay out of these, he knows they can get loud, and often boisterous, and often he is the one who contributes the topic for the trials.
Last night we also held one to ban all inappropriate tv for ALL kids in the house. My eldst son had a bad habit of watching objectionable shows when the little kids were around and even allowing them to watch. I dont allow the little kids to watch,"South Park,(though I like it)family Guy,Cleveland,American Dad, Bobs Burgers" or any of those garbage reality shows like,"Jersey Shore" and I tend to look down on people who do. So when Sticky came into the kitchen last night chanting,'DICK!" I was like,'What the HELL is going on?" Stubby dimed him off and said that they were watching,"SouthPark" with their brother and one of the characters had been saying that. Oh. Hell. NO. Big brother got in trouble,little boys got in trouble, and the edict was passed that if any small children were caught watching any of the aforementioned shows, that ALL television would be shut off for an entire MONTH.
Stubby promptly announced that it was not gingers that were souless, it was me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Dear Roger: The Strange Parade

Soo...Batman went strolling by my front porch yesterday. It was late afternoon, he was wearing his full cape and mask and utility belt, but it looked like he had gone to seed a bit because he had a rather sizable pot gut. I dont know who he was after and I didn't ask.I just watched him walk on up the sidewalk, headed towards the center of town.
Its a constant parade of strangeness around here. A few days ago it was a short but cute guy in a ball cap and dark glasses with cowboy boots that went wandering by. He caught my attention because you rarely see anyone other than myself or Werewolf boy wearing cowboy boots around here. It mostly chucks or skater shoes. I was intrigued, so I watched him for a bit as he stood at the crosswalk and then meandered on his merry way. We have our usual guy who looks like Santa Clause on the horse,(heroin for those who dont know the parlance), he does his jittery, nervous, animated shuffle up the sidewalk, dressed for winter every day, headed to the church that hands out the free meals and showers in the mornings, and then back the opposite direction in the afternoon.
The really unusual ones make me wish I still had my Pentax camera with the telephoto lenses. The day the large, large, girl in the skin tight spandex dress with the Domme straps and boots with the wolf tail with the mohawk walked up the sidewalk leading the tall skinny boy in the shorts with the monkey head hat on...I would have like to have captured a picture of that. I dont know if they were headed to a munch or what, but props to them for being very OUT. The lady who rides the beach cruiser bicycle with the basket on it that carries the two small dogs wearing dresses while she herself wears a long flowing gown, also gets my attention because I have to wonder how the hell she rides a bike in that dress?
Its never dull on the sidewalk in front of my house. Most of the time its wandering street bums and people on their way home from work or school or the occasional lost tourist, but every now and then it looks like a scene from Portlandia.
Im sure my family just ads to the entertainment. Yesterday daughter was out front attempting to turn cartwheels and then performing her version of Tai chi, until one of her brothers came out in his boxers and started harassing her and they ended up in a brawl on the front lawn. I quickly broke it up and ushered them into the house, but that wasn't an unusual occurrence. My eldest son sits out on the porch and plays his guitar for hours on end, and the other kids either blow bubbles or perform skits that daughter has written.
I am hoping what was going on last night was a skit. She came walking through the living room leading Sticky on a leash telling him he had been a,'Bad Boy" and calling him,"Mr Snuffles". I just went back to writing and let it go because some days you just cant fight the weird.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Dear Roger: This Is The Song That Never Ends

Its been busy around here. I swear I feel like I have passed myself a few times on my way to do other things. I have worked, done all the laundry and dishes for 5 people, grocery shopped and then put away over $300 worth of groceries only to pull out some of it and cook dinner later that evening, helped with homework, done extra work at my job, picked up endless messes at the house, cleaned to cat box, cuddled upset children, talked to friends, scrubbed bathrooms,sinks, and floors, helped to turn a couple of empty apartments and walked a few miles to places I had to be for meetings and such as well as herded my brood to a park that was a good distance away. No wonder I passed out on the couch the other night and didn't hear my eldest son come in from being out at a football game with friends. He said I was on my back with my arms crossed on my chest like some,'Creepy vampire". I asked him why he didn't wake me up and send me to be and he told me he tried, but I didn't respond. I was that far gone. I guess my days of being a light sleeper are over with.
Being a referee will wear you the hell out. I think I spend more time trying to keep the mayhem under control than I do anything else. The oldest boy has the least patience with the little ones. He is soo tightly wound that its hard for him to just embrace the silliness of it all or to ignore it.I worry about him sometimes. He never seems to cut loose and just act silly and relax, and I try to remind him that things could be soo much worse. Life is stressful if you let it be, but if you just laugh, it will eventually work out somehow. We aren't that bad off. We are all fairly healthy, we are all together, and we are all reasonably sane. He tends to dwell on the things we don't have or the things he thinks we need. Yeah, a car would be nice. But we don't have one and I don't have the money to buy one and nobody is going to give us one, he needs to understand that and just move on. I have and I just work on figuring out how to function and get around without one. He never dances with the kids in the living room when we are having one of our silly dance parties, even though his baby sister begs him to, and that's sad. He says he wants to be an actor or a rock star, but I tell him that he better pull the stick out of his ass and learn to lighten up and cut loose or he will never make it. The little kids have it all figured out, most of all my little girl and Sticky. They never seem to dwell on what we don't have, and they make due. The only time I have seen Sticky stress even a little was last night when his glasses got broken. He was up past bed time, giving my eldest son a hard time, and they got into a grappling match over something and Sticky's glasses somehow got into the fray. The earpiece got snapped off right at where they connect to the eye piece. It was devastating. Everyone froze in shock and Sticky dropped to the floor in tears. "My glasses! Im blind without my glasses!" My eldest son felt terrible, I was sick and just in shock. I called the ex to see if he had or could find the spare pair I had bought last year, but he was more interested in yelling about my eldest son breaking the main pair.Lucky for us, our guardian angel saw my tweets about the catastrophe and not only sent me a link to an agency that could help us maybe get him a new pair, she also brought us by a tube of super glue at after 10:00 at night that fixed them right up! If not for her, my poor son would be going to school blind today, as it is , hes sitting here right now wearing his glasses smiling and happy to be harassing the cat before he gets dressed for school. Like I told my eldest, it all works out in the end, you just have to have hope.
Its meeting after meeting today. I have to go to an IEP for Sticky this morning and then meet with a Developmental Disabilities case manager this afternoon to see what services the state of Oregon wont be able to offer him. I hope they can at least provide some kind of decent services that will help him get prepared for an independent life, but with budget cuts and so on, I figure I am his best bet and I just continue to do what I cant to teach him. Walking anywhere with him is such an ordeal. He is like Ferdinand the bull in that he likes to stop and smell the posies, pick up sticks, sit around and look at everything, and if you annoy him he will just sit down and put the brakes on, refusing to move. He weighs over 75lbs now and its hard for me to pick him up and baby carry him when he does that, so coaxing him along is my only option. He has terribly flat feet too, so he ambles along due to that as well, making progress slow. I am dreading the rainy season and I am considering looking for a good used jog stroller, though my eldest son was horrified with the idea of his 11 year old brother riding in a stroller..I had considered a wagon, but that would be even more conspicuous. I am just going to have to find a 3rd job and work harder about getting a car.
My ex had the yard sale yesterday. He gleefully called me early in the morning to tell me that he had made over $300 selling the rest of my barn wood furniture, and my Texas star tables as well as some of my art and decor. I asked him if he was selling any of his jewelry making stuff that he rarely if ever uses and he said,"No". It was only my stuff that he sold. He made over $500 during the day and when he called me last night I asked him if he was going to help us out any. He grudgingly agreed to contribute $200, but hes planning on keeping the rest to help himself. How nice...my things being sold to help him. I just keep telling myself,"They are only things, I have my kids." I win.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Dear Roger: Off To Battle...Again

I should be getting ready to go be an extra for Portlandia today, but im not. Not because I got rejected or anything, in fact I got my email last night about when and where to report, but because I had to email them back that I couldn't work for them today due to the fact I have to deal with kid issues. Its not the kids fault, its the world at larges fault.
When I became the parent of a special needs kid, I realized just how much the world actually mistreated them. People that wouldn't dare drop the "N"bomb or call a gay person the "F" word, have no problem using the word "Retard" like its no big deal. I hear different variations on it in conversations on a pretty much daily basis, from all levels of society. I have even heard it in college classrooms. I tend to drop people that use it regularly and who know I have a kid with Downs because I think they are just attempting to start a fight with me in some passive aggressive manner.
My own family rejected my son when he was born and it was what really lead me to realize that my parents are not very nice people. I can still see my mothers face as she glared at the doctor who had saved my life and the life of my son, after I introduced her to him the one time she came to the hospital to visit when Sticky was in the NICU, and I can still hear her say,"He should have told you something was wrong so you could have done something." Done something?? Like what? It wouldn't have made a difference if I had known he had Downs, other that I would have been better educated from the get go about how fucked up the world is.
He got rejected by private preschools in Flagstaff because they,"Didn't have time or resources to deal with issues like him and because they are private they don't have to." A nice attitude for a Christian school. He is forever getting left out of things like church and such because he needs a little more supervision so he doesn't wander off, and he gets left out of play groups because he is slower and not as athletic as kids his age.
His schooling in Flagstaff was excellent for the most part. We got lucky when he was in Cromer because he had people there who loved him and who wanted what was best for him. The were friends and neighbors and his one on one aide was like the granma he has never had. She worked with him constantly and taught him skills he needed to get by in school and she prepared him to go on to the next grades.Because of her and the aides like her, he can read and do basic math and many other skills at about the 2nd grade level, which is outstanding for a kid with his disability.
He is a tiny little guy. His sister is a 2nd grader and she is taller than him even though she is 7 and he just turned 11. I had him retained in the third grade one year back in Flagstaff to give him time to catch up, and that seemed to really help, but I was shocked to find out that up here in Oregon, they have decided that he is ready to be in the 6th grade!
I was expecting him to be in the 4th grade along with his brother, his current IEP respected and honored as is the law, and for things to roll along as normal, but NOOO. The Sped people have decided to try and turf him off to a middle school self-contained program because there are no kids his age in the special class. In all my life, I never expected Oregon to be more ass backwards and repressive of the special needs student than Arizona. I mean, this state looks liberal and progressive on the outside, but then they promote warehousing of the mentally handicapped in isolated classrooms, based on age and not academic ability. My son is reading and doing basic math, but he needs almost constant supervision and direction to keep him on task with work he doesn't want to do and they tell me that he will get that in a program with the bigger kids where the ratio is 15-1 and he is most likely the smallest kid in the school?
They were feeding me this line of bullshit this last week, telling me that all the other kids at the elementary school are developmentally much younger than him and that he would be bored, but they don't know my son. Hes not a big, macho guy. Hes quiet and shy and though he loves Irish punk rock and the 100 Monkeys and he sings inappropriate songs at times and enjoys announcing his farts, hes just a little guy who also enjoys playing with his younger sister and watching cartoons. The guy who was in charge of feeding me this line of bull had a posh British accent, and I don't know if I was channeling my Scot/Irish ancestors or what, but the more he spoke in his condescending, 'We know what is best for your child" tone, the more I got angry and ready to inflict mayhem. I managed to keep it to breaking my pen, but they could see the tension and anger rolling off of me.
I am going to go over to this middle school program today and I am going to check it out and observe how they operate. If I am not satisfied they have his interests at heart, I am going to have to get an advocate and then start filing complaints with the school district and the under IDEA and get a legal advocate involved and all that fun stuff, but I wish they would just do their jobs, after all, this district spends millions of dollars teaching English to children who are not here legally, and they even but them to special programs, why should my son get any less treatment?
I would rather be working today. But instead I will be dealing with this today. Of course his father jumped right in the middle of me for it, claiming that he should have stayed in Arizona where they had a good program for him, but then I asked, "And live where, in the van?"
The schools around here are not perfect. My daughters,'Gifted" programming is pretty much her helping teach the slower kids in her class. She will probably get bored in a few years and I will be struggling to keep her from dropping out from sheer frustration. She already commented that she didn't see the point of going to school, because they "couldn't teach her anything".
It doesn't pay to be special at either end of the spectrum. The slow kids get warehoused and the gifted kids get ignored until they start getting in trouble. I am starting to look for a charter program for her or a private school that offers scholarships to gifted kids. I will keep battling for my son so he gets the tools he needs to be able to survive in the world and I will battle for my daughter so she will get the things she needs to help her fly.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Dear Roger: Dont Avada Kedavra Your Brother for Stuffing Your Monkey Down His Pants

I am a referee. That is pretty much what I spend my days doing now, when I am not playing maid, cook and counselor. My kids are back to acting like the have never been apart, so they are back to bickering and fighting and teasing each other relentlessly. Most of the time its good natured and they are just having fun, but sometimes it gets a bit heated and I have to step in and end the fighting before it gets too bloody. The one most likely to get physical is my little girl. The boys like to torment her by stealing her Jackson or by making jokes about her favorite boy, and then all hell breaks loose. I try not to micro-manage, to let them work it out on their own, but when she has Sticky down on the floor and is punching him, I have to step in and send the parties to opposite ends of the apartment.
She is tough, and a little mean. I know that, but you know what? She has been around 3 older brothers and she has had to deal with a lot in her short life. Shes a very smart kid and she keeps us all on our toes with how much she knows and is capable of. She decided to play Sodoku yesterday. I dont know how to play Sodoku. She just sat there very matter of fact, with a pen, working over the page, muttering to herself and marking until she was done. She tried to explain it to me and said,"Its soo easy and fun!" but I just kinda glazed over. She is pretty damn good at Scrabble too. She tried to get her brothers to play against her, but her oldest brother warned them that she gloats when she wins, so they refused to play that and insisted on playing cards instead.
Today is the first day of school for the kids and while I am glad they are getting back into a routine, I am also worried about her. Her teacher told me that budget cuts have killed the 'Gifted" curriculum. So that means my child, who functions several grade levels above her peers in many areas, is going to be sitting in a classroom, unchallenged. She is going to be bored and soon frustrated. She will quickly tire of getting all the little certificates that say yes, she is smart and making all "A's" and she will realize that she is the only kid in her class reading Harry Potter and understanding it, and she will ask me again,"Why do I have to go to school?" I dont know what to do. I cannot afford private school for her. I cannot even afford music or dance lessons for her. With all four kids on my own, and two jobs that are part time or off and on, I am lucky to be able to feed them. I am getting no help from the ex. He called the other day to tell me he had sold the washer and dryer, a nice, expensive, HE set that I loved for its water saving and energy saving qualities, for $500. He was thrilled and happy. I felt sick considering what they had cost less than 2 short years ago. When asked if he could send some money to help with the kids, I was told that he needed the money to,"Get Right". yeah...like that's going to happen.
Im trying to find resources for my little girl, and for her brothers to challenge them. I make sure she has all the art supplies she could ever need, and I do my best to make sure that son's guitar has new strings at least once a month, but he has never had a lesson, and she desperately wants violin lessons. The other two boys are still trying to find their niche,but Stubby seems to like music as well and has mentioned wanting to play the trumpet. I dont know how that would go over in an apartment, but I know music is a good thing and it soothes the savage beasts, and considering all the mayhem that goes on around here, that might be a good, good thing.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Dear Roger: "Get The Monkey Out of Your Pants!" and other lapses in sanity

The boys have finally stopped feeling like they are guests in their home. I know this is true because they have started teasing and harassing their sister and being the boys I know they can be. I have said,"Get the monkey out of your pants!" more times in the past week that I have said in the past couple of years, and considering that her eldest brother used to stuff her Jackson down his pants as torture for daughter on about a weekly basis,that is saying something.
I dont know where my mind was today when I went along with sons bright idea to take everyone and go to Ikea. Four kids, Ikea on a Saturday on a HOLIDAY weekend. I am lucky I didn't make the evening news. It was crowded, busy and noisy as hell and that was just my little contribution to the fray. I bought a few things to make 5 people sharing an apartment that made 2 people feel crowded, a little more comfortable and then we went looking for a few things daughter needed for school at the mall that was attached. Eldest son had plotted to have his girlfriend meet him in the Ikea, so she was with us for quite a while. I feel sure that this little outing served to forever put her off having sex and especially having kids, so I guess it was a worthwhile venture.
We didn't find daughter any good boots for school but mainly because she was more interested in scooting around the floors of the stores in her socks and enjoying the way being in socks on tile helped her to dance than us not finding any good boots. She got her new monkey backpack to go along with all her monkey related school supplies, so she counted today as a success, even if she did have to put up with Jackson getting locked in the trunk of the car we had borrowed for the day because I was tired of carrying him around and dealing with her brothers stealing him and doing crude things. Both boys already have marks from where she has tore them up in defense of her monkey, so big brother made the executive decision to lock him in the trunk.
I gave up the master bedroom. After measuring and looking at all the options, it just made more sense to let the boys have the bigger room with the extra closet. Its close living, but we are adjusting and settling in. School starts back on Tuesday for the little kids and Wednesday for big brother. I am getting more and more work and I even have a couple upcoming extra gigs that look to be happening in the next two weeks. Life is crazy and I barely have any time to myself, but I love having my sons home with me and even though im 10 times more broke that I was before they came home, we are still finding ways to have fun and the boys seem happy.
The ex called to say he had quit smoking...again, which makes me even happier that I got the boys out of there, because last time he quit smoking, we all suffered.
The musical instruments are finally starting to get used regularly. We have 2 guitars that son constantly is messing with, a violin that daughter is wanting to get started on, and enough harmonicas and penny whistles that I could start a full band. The boys are sorting out what they want to play and daughter is constantly getting them to sing with her and she is forcing them into her plays and teaching them how to pray. Listening to Sticky pray is hysterically funny. He yells at everyone to close their eyes and,'Listen up, dang it!" and he starts in with what sounds like someone speaking in tongues. He rambles on for a minute or two, unless he catches someone with their eyes open, and then he starts over after yelling at them to "Keep eyes closed! Dammit!" then he mutters and rambles on few more minutes and when he ends it he says a very loud and exuberant,'AMEN!" He stated leading the prayers after everyone complained that daughter was taking soo long with all her prayers for her favorite monkey men along with her other add ins, but I think we are beginning to rue that decision. I have given up ever eating a hot meal ever again.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Dear Roger: Lack of "Try Hard"

I just don't get it. I took my kids school clothes shopping yesterday and I was easily able to get the boys new stylish shoes,jeans so that they actually have at least 2 pairs of pants apiece,hoodies,socks,a couple of shirts and sweaters, as well as a pair of jeans for daughter, for under $200. Its been hard trying to figure out why my ex thought it was okay for his sons to not have any pants or to be wearing shoes that were rotten and falling apart, or why he didn't take care of their basic needs. I work a job that is beneath my education and ability, but you know what? Its a paycheck that keeps my kids in the things they need. I would do pretty much anything when it comes to making sure my kids are fed and clothed and housed, but he doesn't seem to grasp that concept. Sometimes as an adult you have to do without and you have to sacrifice for the good of others, especially your kids. It can be as simple as giving your daughter the last piece of chicken when she says she is hungry, even though you just walked in from work and are dead on your feet and starving yourself. Its just what a parent does. What I found down in AZ was the opposite of that. He had new boots,(2 pair), and a fresh can of tobacco for his can a week habit. He wasn't buying food for the boys because he was on foodstamps but the things he was bringing into the house for them to eat was absolute crap. If he had quit smoking, he could have spent the $13.00 a week and bought them decent shoes and some clothes, but he wouldn't sacrifice himself. I just don't understand why? Why would he not see them as coming first? He doesn't seem to have any pride at all. I know he is not a nice man, I ended up a the wrong end of his hands and his straight razor enough to know that, but why keep my sons if he wasn't going to take care of them? I try not to dwell on it or get angry, but I just got off the phone with him, finding out if he was going to have his yard sale today or not, and he got angry with me for ,'nagging". I pretty much used up every spare dime I had, as well as swapped around other things in the family budget in order to clothe children that should have had plenty of things, so I think I have a right to suggest he get off his ass and actually do something.
I managed to keep calm when I went to get my sons. I knew if I stepped out of line or argued with him at all, it would end very badly, so I just bit my tongue when I saw that the weeds were so thick that my children could not even go out in the yard. I kept my peace when I saw that he hadn't cleaned the house in what looked like months. I kept quiet when I saw that he had taken down the boys new bunk beds that I had bought them before I left, and that he had them disassembled and set aside in the,'Sale" room along with my sons guitars, much of my antiques and art as well as the boys game system that supposedly broke. I kept quiet when I saw how he had ripped decor off the walls and broke more than a few things I had put up. I just waited until he left and I video taped the filth all over the place, the dining room that looked like a tweekers nest, the back closet with the plastic sheet over the door and the paraphernalia. He had enough money for drugs, but not enough to buy shoes for his kids.
Its hard to not hate him. Destroying the house and van as well as most of my possessions that I had been unable to take left me wanting to rage and yell at first, but then the rage turned to disgust. Last year when I fled with my son and little girl, it felt like he had won. He had gotten the house, the van, all the things I had worked hard to acquire and establish for my kids, but the worst of all was that he still had my sons. I do hate that judge that said he had,'Rights" and I wish that judge had to live in that filth and deprivation with a man who did something that left my youngest son feeling the need to cringe and repeatedly say,'Im sorry" whenever it gets loud or whenever he thinks he is in trouble. My ex thinks he is coming up to Portland. He has plans to sell off everything and somehow get up here. I hope he doesn't. I don't want him anywhere near my kids again. I don't want them to have to deal with whatever situation he is going to end up in up here. I know him, if he does manage to get up here, he will find some rat hole apartment or room in the bad part of town and he will expect my sons to go live with him.My boys don't need that disruption. My daughter doesn't even know him anymore and what she knows of him makes her upset. She calls him by his name. Not,'Dad" or even father, but by his name. He let her down soo much that she found other male role models, and she is happy. I hope to make my boys happy again, but with the threat of him making it up here, they wonder how long the stability will last.
He whined at me that he wasn't going to do a yard sale on Friday because its ,'Too hard" to get set up and ready for 2 days. He whined that he couldn't take a job working in a restaurant because,"Thats beneath me and not worth my time." I've tried to get him to understand that a job is a job and that there is no shame in hard work, but there is lots of shame in hardly working. I don't get how an ex-con with a drug habit and no degree, expects to step into a job that pays top wages and is easy? He has tried scheme after scheme to make easy money, including finding some ambulance chaser to sue the poor bastard that rear ended him a few months ago in am minor traffic accident. He whined that he got whiplash and that he has suffered, but I am skeptical as is the opposing party who is fighting back. He has been sitting back, waiting to collect 20k so that he can,'Start over" , instead of getting off his ass and working for it.
I will never get any child support from him. I am resigned to that fact. He is the type that would try to take the kids just so he didn't have to pay. He has lost all his power now, and the only way he can bully me or get anything over on me is to threaten the few possessions I had to leave there. My dog is dead. Ferg died in July and I know I will never get the full truth of circumstances of his death, but I just hope that it was quick and painless. He was always nicer to animals than he was humans, so maybe I am right to hope for that.
I wanted to rage and vent and do something to deal with all the anger and rage I have at him, but it would just upset my kids and probably just make me feel worse, but I hope he cannot get up here. I hope he has to do without like my kids did. I hope he just goes and lives with his mother like his other dead-beat brother did and I hope he never darkens my door again. I made it for years, taking care of the kids on my own, making every dollar stretch enough to feed and clothe and care for my kids without his help and often having to struggle and fight and hide things just to make sure that he didn't see them and get angry at me or my kids.
Venting here is about the only outlet I have, but I am going to try and make this the last I speak of all of the anger I have towards him. I am done appeasing him because my kids will no longer suffer his ire when he hangs up the phone. I am done letting him have the power to ruin my mood or the day. I am just done with him because he is unfix-able, and not worth my time. He will probably end up back in jail, and I have no doubt he will try to gain my pity, but all he will get is my disgust at a person who expects me to fix his life when he wont even get up off his ass and try. My kids and I are free and with the help of the courts in Oregon, I hope to make sure that is how things stay.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Dear Roger: Never-Ending Weirdness

I am outnumbered and trying to keep up with all the chaos that 4 kids can inflict,is exhausting. On top of keeping a job that helps to pay a few of the bills, I am also dealing with endless meetings regarding Stickys schooling and his special needs, trying to get my other kids into the doctor for check ups and flu shots as well as making sure I keep everything straight and the house in order. Its not easy to keep the house clean. I am constantly picking up after someone, washing dishes or de-furring the bathroom, or worse! When I was getting the boys ready for their shower last night, I took the opportunity to clean the bathroom. I found pee on the back of the commode! How the hell does that happen?! Do they just stand there, hands on hips and let it flail about like an errant sprinkler? I was disgusted and disturbed. They were both potty trained and clean when I left AZ, but now it seems that they have forgotten how to do everything. I asked my oldest son to re-educate them on proper bathroom procedure, but there are days I wonder if he is even capable of it? He shaved himself again!I cleaned up enough hair to stuff a pillow for a cat. He tried to deny shaving himself, but I offered to being him the evidence and he quickly dropped his protests of innocence.
Eldest son has been a bit odd lately. He got the cowboy boots he had wanted for so long and hes been wearing them quite a bit. He likes the fact that they make him taller even though he is rapidly approaching the 6ft mark and doesn't need any help looking tall and imposing, but I don't think he appreciates his sister ripping on him so much about imitating her Jackson. I had to laugh because yeah, it really does seem like that his what is afoot, especially when he is wearing the boots with skinny jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt with his worn out brown leather belt. I just shake my head and keep my thoughts mostly to myself. There are worse people the boy could choose to imitate, and hes at least not wearing his pants hanging too far off his ass anymore and he is taking pride in his appearance. He is getting really good at the guitar,and he spends hours practicing and learning new techniques. I have heard him singing to his girlfriend again and that is pretty cute. I only hope he takes his schooling more seriously this year and pulls his grades up. Having his sister telling him that if he keeps messing up, she will soon be in the same grade as him, did seem to help motivate him a little, but he is more interested in his guitar and becoming a musician.
My daughter is dealing with all the changes the best out of all of us. She has had to put up with monkey theft and attempted stuffing of her Jackson down the pants of both little boys, but her horrified shriek and comment that since they weren't very clean and it wouldn't be 'Sanitary" helped to stop that attempt, along with the fact she tackled and threaten to pound the dust out of the offender. She has harassed her brother, Stubby in to finally picking up a book and getting serious about reading it. She rubbed his nose in the fact she is now on chapter 10 of the first Harry Potter book,and she even took to reading it aloud for him and his brother since she thought he couldn't read it. Her condescending tone fired him up and he finally got started on it. Not having free run of tv or video games has really helped to get them motivated to do other more positive things like reading or drawing and one very, very heated game of Scrabble. Stubby is a bit of a sore loser, especially when the winner is his gloating, sarcastic, baby sister. She has been a big help and good sister to her brother Sticky, she teaches little classes to him daily,and she has been getting him to count and use his words like he is supposed to , the only downside of her playing with him so much is the fact she dresses him up in dresses and last night she took a pink marker and gave him eye shadow. I would really prefer my boys wait until I am dead and gone before they begin cross-dressing, much like I would prefer to be be gone before she starts dating since I already have a strong feeling I am not going to be happy with her choices.
A good scrubbing got most of the eye shadow off, but there is still a faint tint to his eyelids and an admonishment to her that her brother has enough weird habits without adding wearing makeup to them, seemed to put a stop to that for the evening.
Having all the kids is exhausting and getting them back into the routine that I had them in previously, is going to take time and effort, but they are already doing better and they seem to cope better knowing what is expected and that I have rules just like we had a year ago. There have been lots of hugs, a few tears, and even a few fights that I have had to break up and then sentence people to time out and a lecture from me about the importance of family and working together in times of difficulty, but they seem to be getting it.