Soo, I picked a really great week to do a pretty fucked up thing,I made the concious and informed decision to watch a movie on torture. Now before you go bitching me out about it, I HAVE been in counseling for the Post Traumatic shit for months now, and I have good days and bad days, and truthfully, things are always going to bother me and I am not going to hide from stuff for the rest of my life because it might set me off, and I REALLY like the actor that was in it and I thought I could handle it. I actually made it through most of it without leaving the room, though as predicted when they did anything with knives and scalpels I had to exit stage left pretty Goddamed quick.
I even found myself critiquing their methods in some ways, like pulling out of fingernails? Thats soo old school! Mike knew that if you simply smashed the finger at the last knuckle on no more than three fingers of a hand, you could inflict waaay more pain that lasted a lot longer and often led to what is known as compartment syndrome. Smashed and bruised fingers on one hand are easily explained away as an accident, much like smashed toes.Body blows? waste of time! Joint manipulation works soo much better and does not leave marks.Being he was in a profession that allowed him access to scalpels and things like potassium so he could threaten to inject it into the vitreous humor of the eye and stop the heart of pretty much anyone you cared about and not leave any evidence, he preferred the more psychological aspects of torture instead of the brute force, but he was a pure sadist and very creative.The neck popping torture he preferred still has me jumping out of my seat pretty much anytime someone in a movie gets their neck snapped, and I still cannot stand for anyone to even try to adjust my neck without wanting to inflict harm upon them. He was waay into knives and scalpels though, and I reacted so over the top to the edged weapon training in several of my jobs that it was brought to my attention that I might have a bit of a problem with that,(I tended to shoot first and ask questions later)but the cutting of the junk, while it might have made every guy in the theatre squirm and yeah it might sting a little, its much more effective to make slices in the rib cage along in the intercostal spaces(between the ribs)that way everytime they take a breath or scream(and that shit was not allowed), they get a fresh reminder. Screaming.tsk tsk, that was not allowed, especially when there is a knife at your eye and you are being told just how much pressure is needed for a Tanto blade to remove an eye. Sadist,yes, that is what he was, and for all I know probably still is. I found out I was pregnant. He fucked up, he slipped and I ended up pregnant and I valued that small life enough to finally escape. He ended up staring down his own .357 one evening,(I had learned how to pick the lock to his filing cabinet), and I limped my brutalized ass out to my truck and left and fled for my life and my sanity. He stalked me,threatened me, and he wanted to kill me and my baby.The state investigated and determined that he was a,"Very credible threat " to my safety and the safety of my unborn child, and they left him off the birth certificate and left me alone. I hid from him for over 14 years, and my son has never known and will never know his father.
He gave my son some killer good looks,(he was an actor as well in a few movies),the ability to pick up and play pretty much any musical instrument he desires, and charm, but the one thing my boy wants more than anything he was denied, a dad.
I cannot ever run the risk that my son would be subjected to even one moment of what I went through, and I would do whatever it took to insure that.
Post Traumatic Stress is a bitch to live with, and the same type of vehicle he drove when I knew him still makes me nervous, or hang up calls from California numbers or even Southern Arizona still put me on edge.
I have to laugh at the the usual movie monsters, they dont bother me, vampires and werewolves and things like that? No sweat! The human ones though? those I know are real, and they tend to bother me just a little more.
"Unthinkable" was a damn good movie, I didnt like to see Michale Sheen getting messed up because I like the guy as an actor and its hard to see him as a bad guy,(except threatning Dallas, NOW THAT ...grey area because I am a Texan), and I think I would have skipped it if not for him being in it, but I have a nice cold Guinness to take the edge off and nothing to do of any import tomorrow, so if I dont sleep tonight, Ill just take a walk.
About Me
- Calamity
- Portland, Oregon, United States
- Middle aged crazy, a little on the broken side,been to hell and back and still make side trips into Purgatory to indulge the masochistic side of my personality. I'm Texan,Southern,Over-educated,arrogant, temperamental,oversexed but under-indulged.Chasing after younger men and the happiness that has eluded me for most of my life.Music and literature are my passions.Finally living the dream in my idea of Heaven.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Dear Roger;Judge Much?
I have decided to make the leap.My oldest son and I will be leaving here on or about July 5th and we are headed for the North West with plans to start off in Oregon, and perhaps end up in either Portland or Seattle, and if that doesnt suit us, we are going to look at Vancouver and Tacoma, either way, we are going nomad and leaving Flagstaff with no concrete plan to return. I am leaving the 3 youngest kids here in their home for the next schoolyear with their father, and people are judging me like I am the worst person in the world. I am not abandoning my children, I am strinking out in an attempt to make us a new and better life in a place we can afford to live without totally turning their lives upside down. The next schoolyear here for them is already a well established entity. Stickys IEP is in place, he is repeating the 3rd grade with a 1:1 aide that is like a grandmother to him and a teacher that not only advocates for him as well as I do, she loves him. Stubby will be going into a classroom that uses music to teach and sooth children are high tone and she pushes gifted kids like him. The Stinky Princess is going into an good class and she has soo many friends that keep her busy, she will rule the 1st grade much like she did kindergarten. There are people here who will keep an eye on things with them.
While there father and I had and have our problems, he loves his children and he will do right by them.
My eldest son deserves my time and he is coming back after a 2 year exile, and he doesnt want to be in Flagstaff where there are no real happy memories for him. We need to try and go where we can build a new life and a chance for a stable home without all the strain and stress that we have lived with here, and once we have that, we will reunite as a family. But dragging the little kids into an unknown would be unfair and traumatic thing to do.
We will have Skype and phone calls and trips home on holidays until the end of the next school year and hopefully all of us will be in better places.
It has been a rough few weeks for me. For some reason people have felt like they have free rein to comment on my style of dress, my weight and my life style and I just do not know what the hell to think about it. I am a grown ass woman and I have already decided that I am not dating anything in Arizona, so I dress to suit me and most of the time that is tight ass skinny jeans, cowboy boots and rock t-shirts or wife beaters and often a cap and cop style sun glasses. I do not care if it looks a little "butch", I am not trying to impress anybody, but GodDAMMIT I wish to hell that people would quit trying to offer me fashion tips. I like my clothes, I have always dressed funky and weird and its just me, if you dont like it, dont look, and I have pretty much decided that the next person that comments is going to get told off.
My weight is not by choice. I am not anorexic. I am not starving by choice. I do eat. I really resent being called "Skinny Bitch". I am not trying to impress anyone. I challenge anyone to take 100mgs of Topamax a day and try to keep weight on, c'mon try it, I dare you.
My life style, so I act a little goofy at times? How do you want me to act? I have seen and dealt with shit that would give most normal people screaming nightmares for days, and I keep functioning. I have had to shovel people off the highway, I have sifted through decomposed brains to find bullets, I have had to call the parents of young men and wake them out of sound sleep to tell them that theis sons were dead due to a drunk that wasnt even injured.I have carried the bodies of dead children, held the hands of people while they died.I have been less than 2 lbs of trigger pressure away from killing a person and I have had a straight razor at my throat and I still wake some nights feeling it there.More of my close friends are dead than alive,Im broken and cant seem to fix myself,lost and trying to find a path to follow, and by getting further away from all the pain and ugliness that has haunted me for so long, I am hoping I can begin to repair myself.
People who havent lived my life for the last few years really should step into my boots for a week or two. I guarantee they would need more than a short coffee break.
While there father and I had and have our problems, he loves his children and he will do right by them.
My eldest son deserves my time and he is coming back after a 2 year exile, and he doesnt want to be in Flagstaff where there are no real happy memories for him. We need to try and go where we can build a new life and a chance for a stable home without all the strain and stress that we have lived with here, and once we have that, we will reunite as a family. But dragging the little kids into an unknown would be unfair and traumatic thing to do.
We will have Skype and phone calls and trips home on holidays until the end of the next school year and hopefully all of us will be in better places.
It has been a rough few weeks for me. For some reason people have felt like they have free rein to comment on my style of dress, my weight and my life style and I just do not know what the hell to think about it. I am a grown ass woman and I have already decided that I am not dating anything in Arizona, so I dress to suit me and most of the time that is tight ass skinny jeans, cowboy boots and rock t-shirts or wife beaters and often a cap and cop style sun glasses. I do not care if it looks a little "butch", I am not trying to impress anybody, but GodDAMMIT I wish to hell that people would quit trying to offer me fashion tips. I like my clothes, I have always dressed funky and weird and its just me, if you dont like it, dont look, and I have pretty much decided that the next person that comments is going to get told off.
My weight is not by choice. I am not anorexic. I am not starving by choice. I do eat. I really resent being called "Skinny Bitch". I am not trying to impress anyone. I challenge anyone to take 100mgs of Topamax a day and try to keep weight on, c'mon try it, I dare you.
My life style, so I act a little goofy at times? How do you want me to act? I have seen and dealt with shit that would give most normal people screaming nightmares for days, and I keep functioning. I have had to shovel people off the highway, I have sifted through decomposed brains to find bullets, I have had to call the parents of young men and wake them out of sound sleep to tell them that theis sons were dead due to a drunk that wasnt even injured.I have carried the bodies of dead children, held the hands of people while they died.I have been less than 2 lbs of trigger pressure away from killing a person and I have had a straight razor at my throat and I still wake some nights feeling it there.More of my close friends are dead than alive,Im broken and cant seem to fix myself,lost and trying to find a path to follow, and by getting further away from all the pain and ugliness that has haunted me for so long, I am hoping I can begin to repair myself.
People who havent lived my life for the last few years really should step into my boots for a week or two. I guarantee they would need more than a short coffee break.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Dear Roger,Crash and Burn...Me?Just Ignore That Twitching Thing
Okay, I think my stress level is getting a little high. School is finally out for the kids and they are now home constantly and they are demanding things I cannot provide.Money is tight, I dont have a job, their father is not capable of providing much in the way of substantial support,and resources are limited,so we are going to be stuck close to home.I am trying to make sure they have some goodies,and I try to make sure they can go outside and play and get out, but they just want 10 million other things that little kids just want and it drives me nuts because they resent me for refusing it.
Bills are piling up as the results of the end of winter finally hit and two heating bills of over $300 each just kicked my ass, on top of buying firewood and the substantial electric bills and gasoline bills and all the other bullshit that has kicked me, and to top it all off, I had an acute gallbladder attack that knocked me on my ass.
To say it was painful is an understatement.I have had broken bones,and I have lived with pain for years from damaged discs in my spine,broken teeth,and all sorts of injuries that would put other people in the hospital, but this was like having a knife jammed in my lower back under my ribs and then having someone saw it back and forth while someone else sat a burning weight on my chest so I could not get a deep breath.It was a burning,tearing sensation and I thought it was game on for either a anuerysm like what took you out, or appendicitis.With the family history, I figured it was best not to screw around,and since I couldnt breath so well, I decided I better go to the emergency room and at least make sure I didnt drop dead at home in front of the kids. I drove my ass up there which was my first mistake, because in our podunk, ass backwards thinking ER, if you can drive, you must be fine so your ass sits. I sat in there waiting room in agony, with a blood pressure of 142/92 and a pulse of 144 for 3 hours while they treated drunks and people with broken toes.I finally decided that I would rather come home and hurt like hell in my own best than sit in their uncomfortable ass chairs and listen to some drunk woman fart and laugh all night. I passed out in my bed around 4 am and the ex came and took care of the kids while I slept and gutted out the misery. I have to tell you, it took a lot out of me and it seemed to be a tipping point for me health wise.
I have carefully controlled my little neuro issues for years.My headaches often get the better of me, but then Suicide Migraines are uncontrollable beasts that thwart most medical intervention short of the shots to the base of the skull and that is something I am considering getting done this summer. I have taken the maximum dosage of the medication that controlls my little seizure issue and it has helped with the insomnia and my other issue, which is a Touretts-like issue.I dont bark or anything like that,I clench my jaw,roll my shoulders and clench my fist, bite my lip and sometimes punch inantimate objects like walls or trucks, or in otherwords I look like Im spoiling for a fight and often I get one. Its a very inconveniant manifestation of the issue, and considering I barely make 5'feet tall and 105lbs, when I am really stressed and I walk around clenched up and rolling my shoulders like I am going to hit something, people tend to think me a bit insane, and truthfully lately I do not blame them.WHen I was a kid I would shudder and shake like a rabid dog and I do have a bit of a head jerk at times when I am really stressed, and what is getting to me is that the jaw clench and head jerk have been manifesting quite a bit lately and I nearly put my fist through the living room wall today. I have a constant low back ache from the gall bladder issue and I know its probably going to have to come out, much like it did for my sis and mom and 3 of my grandparents, and that means being incapacitated and on pain meds which I hate.
As a writer, I only take what I absolutely have to take, nothing more, nothing less, and from time to time I try to drop off and drop down the amount of the seizure medications because they supress my ability to write. It worries me that I am on the maximum amount of right now and they would have to put me on something different if it quits working all together, because some medications kill artistic ability and I would rather twitch and punch a few walls than not be able to write. Its not like im having an active social life anyway. I want to get out and decompress for a bit, but it doesnt look like that is going to happen.
My eldest son is due home in two weeks and I know he is not happy to be returning to Flagstaff, and I cannot say I blame him. I wish I could provide him an opportunity for a change,and a chance to stayin Texas, but it seem that all is just out of reach.I was even willing to walk away from it all and allow the ex to take over the property and children for the summer, but even with the substantially lower than market value mortage, it being fully furnished and everything being ready to go and even a vehicle being provided, he cannot seem to manage it without me paying the bills and leaving myself with no way to leave.Its very frustrating and dishearting and I feel like a rat in a cage and im starting to snap at everyone and the twitches are the just the tip of the iceberg.
Bills are piling up as the results of the end of winter finally hit and two heating bills of over $300 each just kicked my ass, on top of buying firewood and the substantial electric bills and gasoline bills and all the other bullshit that has kicked me, and to top it all off, I had an acute gallbladder attack that knocked me on my ass.
To say it was painful is an understatement.I have had broken bones,and I have lived with pain for years from damaged discs in my spine,broken teeth,and all sorts of injuries that would put other people in the hospital, but this was like having a knife jammed in my lower back under my ribs and then having someone saw it back and forth while someone else sat a burning weight on my chest so I could not get a deep breath.It was a burning,tearing sensation and I thought it was game on for either a anuerysm like what took you out, or appendicitis.With the family history, I figured it was best not to screw around,and since I couldnt breath so well, I decided I better go to the emergency room and at least make sure I didnt drop dead at home in front of the kids. I drove my ass up there which was my first mistake, because in our podunk, ass backwards thinking ER, if you can drive, you must be fine so your ass sits. I sat in there waiting room in agony, with a blood pressure of 142/92 and a pulse of 144 for 3 hours while they treated drunks and people with broken toes.I finally decided that I would rather come home and hurt like hell in my own best than sit in their uncomfortable ass chairs and listen to some drunk woman fart and laugh all night. I passed out in my bed around 4 am and the ex came and took care of the kids while I slept and gutted out the misery. I have to tell you, it took a lot out of me and it seemed to be a tipping point for me health wise.
I have carefully controlled my little neuro issues for years.My headaches often get the better of me, but then Suicide Migraines are uncontrollable beasts that thwart most medical intervention short of the shots to the base of the skull and that is something I am considering getting done this summer. I have taken the maximum dosage of the medication that controlls my little seizure issue and it has helped with the insomnia and my other issue, which is a Touretts-like issue.I dont bark or anything like that,I clench my jaw,roll my shoulders and clench my fist, bite my lip and sometimes punch inantimate objects like walls or trucks, or in otherwords I look like Im spoiling for a fight and often I get one. Its a very inconveniant manifestation of the issue, and considering I barely make 5'feet tall and 105lbs, when I am really stressed and I walk around clenched up and rolling my shoulders like I am going to hit something, people tend to think me a bit insane, and truthfully lately I do not blame them.WHen I was a kid I would shudder and shake like a rabid dog and I do have a bit of a head jerk at times when I am really stressed, and what is getting to me is that the jaw clench and head jerk have been manifesting quite a bit lately and I nearly put my fist through the living room wall today. I have a constant low back ache from the gall bladder issue and I know its probably going to have to come out, much like it did for my sis and mom and 3 of my grandparents, and that means being incapacitated and on pain meds which I hate.
As a writer, I only take what I absolutely have to take, nothing more, nothing less, and from time to time I try to drop off and drop down the amount of the seizure medications because they supress my ability to write. It worries me that I am on the maximum amount of right now and they would have to put me on something different if it quits working all together, because some medications kill artistic ability and I would rather twitch and punch a few walls than not be able to write. Its not like im having an active social life anyway. I want to get out and decompress for a bit, but it doesnt look like that is going to happen.
My eldest son is due home in two weeks and I know he is not happy to be returning to Flagstaff, and I cannot say I blame him. I wish I could provide him an opportunity for a change,and a chance to stayin Texas, but it seem that all is just out of reach.I was even willing to walk away from it all and allow the ex to take over the property and children for the summer, but even with the substantially lower than market value mortage, it being fully furnished and everything being ready to go and even a vehicle being provided, he cannot seem to manage it without me paying the bills and leaving myself with no way to leave.Its very frustrating and dishearting and I feel like a rat in a cage and im starting to snap at everyone and the twitches are the just the tip of the iceberg.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Dear Roger,Middle Aged Crazy and Chasing Boys
Okay, it officially sucks being single.Summer is almost here and I want to be out running around on a motorcycle or a horse, instead I am sitting home most days reading soft-core Twilight Fan Fic porn and butlering for my dogs. The kids will be out of school in a few days, my oldest will be home from Texas, and my prospects for getting any fine monkey loving is fading as fast as my bank accounts balance.Its just not fair! My guinea pigs are getting more action than I have in the last couple of years, and they are both male! The kids are all bummed because they will miss their friends/girlfriends/boyfriends,(my baby girl has no less than 4 little suitors)and Stubby and Sticky have a few each as well. I have no male companionship, none, zip, nada! Its just not right, I work hard to stay in shape, and not to brag, but Im a freaking size ONE! my girly bits are all where they should be, and im still rocking a,"D" if you know what I mean, but all guys will do is look! I am going my best to be non-intimidating, I smile, I make small talk and I dont correct their grammar or anyhthing else, I let them think they are smarter than me or more capable than me, but even that doesnt seem to tone it down. I have tried tattoos covered, tattoos uncovered, jewelry, no jewelry, I wear tight jeans and I fix my hair and I dont look like a scrub, and I even turn down my music when I am driving, and I havent called anyone a,'Pinheaded Jackass" in a few weeks and I have only yelled at one Prius driving idiot that was doing 10mph on a road that was clearly ment for people to do 50 or better on,(okay, I do still drive like a road-raging asshole, but I cant fix everything)and my van is pretty embarassing so that just irks me and puts me in a mood.
My options for getting out are starting to narrow pretty quickly, once the kids are out of school, Im pretty well screwed because I will most likely have them 24/7 until school starts back up. I am planning on trying to get out on weekends when the ex is around, but even that gets awkward because if I did find someone, I would have to arrange meetings at my house around that complication.im frustrated, stressed, horny, and aggravated and I dont know what to do about it. Other than investing heavily in duracell,(and even that is difficult with 3 monkeys that can pick locks running loose)and nothing kills the mood like the sounds of a child either barfing or sneaking into the kitchen to steal from my chocolate stash.I need privacy, motivation, and peace, but none of that is going to happen any time soon and its starting to get to me.
Im not even allowed to comment about younger men, even cute one from the movies that are just sooo pretty, because my kids like to remind me,'Ohh, he looks like Chance"(definate mood killer), or the ever snarky,"Arent you old enough to be his mom?" and then the ever popular,'GROOOOOSSSS MOM, hes almost half your age!!", Im mean JEESH! its not like im ever going to meet any of them, but my kids cant stand me even drooling over them and its making me feel OLD, and that is not cool.
I do get looks, and even comments of a favorable nature, but guys seem to vapor lock when it comes to doing anything substantial, and its really hard to meet guys when your days consist of dropping off children, cleaning house, trying to write, and then picking up children coming home and cooking dinner.
I am seriously considering getting my EMT/Paramedic back so I can get out and do something that I love to do and perhaps meet people that I would get on well with. I had considered looking into volunteering with the local sheriffs dept, but that would just remind me that I miss being a cop, and then all kinds of crazy ideas about getting my badge back and all that start to float around in my head, so its best that I probably avoid as much of that world as possible. I just need to be busy and productive until my Masters starts back up in August, so I will just have to sit tight and try to find something that I enjoy besides sitting around and watching Mixed Martial Arts and Cage fighting, its just not a healthy thing.
Im thinking about buying a motorcycle or a horse, just so I have something as a distraction, but until then I will have to just try and make sure there is time for cold showers.
My options for getting out are starting to narrow pretty quickly, once the kids are out of school, Im pretty well screwed because I will most likely have them 24/7 until school starts back up. I am planning on trying to get out on weekends when the ex is around, but even that gets awkward because if I did find someone, I would have to arrange meetings at my house around that complication.im frustrated, stressed, horny, and aggravated and I dont know what to do about it. Other than investing heavily in duracell,(and even that is difficult with 3 monkeys that can pick locks running loose)and nothing kills the mood like the sounds of a child either barfing or sneaking into the kitchen to steal from my chocolate stash.I need privacy, motivation, and peace, but none of that is going to happen any time soon and its starting to get to me.
Im not even allowed to comment about younger men, even cute one from the movies that are just sooo pretty, because my kids like to remind me,'Ohh, he looks like Chance"(definate mood killer), or the ever snarky,"Arent you old enough to be his mom?" and then the ever popular,'GROOOOOSSSS MOM, hes almost half your age!!", Im mean JEESH! its not like im ever going to meet any of them, but my kids cant stand me even drooling over them and its making me feel OLD, and that is not cool.
I do get looks, and even comments of a favorable nature, but guys seem to vapor lock when it comes to doing anything substantial, and its really hard to meet guys when your days consist of dropping off children, cleaning house, trying to write, and then picking up children coming home and cooking dinner.
I am seriously considering getting my EMT/Paramedic back so I can get out and do something that I love to do and perhaps meet people that I would get on well with. I had considered looking into volunteering with the local sheriffs dept, but that would just remind me that I miss being a cop, and then all kinds of crazy ideas about getting my badge back and all that start to float around in my head, so its best that I probably avoid as much of that world as possible. I just need to be busy and productive until my Masters starts back up in August, so I will just have to sit tight and try to find something that I enjoy besides sitting around and watching Mixed Martial Arts and Cage fighting, its just not a healthy thing.
Im thinking about buying a motorcycle or a horse, just so I have something as a distraction, but until then I will have to just try and make sure there is time for cold showers.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Dear Roger, Do Gigolos Have Payment Plans?
Yet another weekend where the ex has managed to skate out and Im sitting watching crappy TV while the kids play,"Pull my finger" right next to me so that they can share the pain with me.If anyone ever says that girls are capable of being nasty, welll...my sisters mini-van that we took on the trip back to Texas in 2005, and my baby daughter would have to disagree. My sis ended up selling that van because the smell never seemed to go away, and her oldest son never found it funny to fart in an enclosed vehicle around me and her ever again.Sitting up drinking beer and eating deviled eggs the night before we left on the trip gave us an excellent teaching tool for a gross boy and got her out of having to drive that mini-van forever.Her son still gets a little nervous when me and my sis get together, but then most of the men in the South get nervous when me and her team up. I really am trying to find a way to get back home, I miss my big son something terrible, I miss my sis even worse, and I want to go hunting for a cute lil,(not really) Texan to import back here to the land of few straight,unattached men.
I swear, this town is desolate when it comes to single men that are of legal age,have a job, and are straight and unmarried.I dont to the whole bar scene anymore, but I would love to have someplace to go where there is at least a chance of meeting a single, straight , employed, man. It was soo much easier to find a single man back home, and if I had my sis to go hunting with me,I am sure that this long, dry spell would come to an end. My son still gets all worked up when I tell him I am going over to the college campus to take care of business,"Leave those college boys alone you COUGAR!" He is worried that I will find a college boy that will end up messing with his Wii or guitars and he gave me this whole long speech about how it was,"Wrong and morally bankrupt for me to even consider looking at younger men." I have to wonder, who the hell raised him? I never taught him that you are supposed to love or date one type of person, and his brothers are pretty liberal with who they find intersting. Stubby loves large black women and oddly enough ,Dakotah Fanning as long as its in her Volturi guise,(he likes tough/mean women), Sticky likes blondes of all shapes,sizes and ages, and my baby girl adores cowboys,(God help her), and my big son has dated so many girls this last year, I have lost track of what he prefers, but I have never tried to push him into a mold, but he damn sure has opinons about what I should date.
The damn wind is blowing like hell this weekend, and the escape I had hoped to make, shows no sign of being possible, but there is hope on the horizon! I have friends who have offered to kid sit, and I am planning to go to the Henry Rollins show on the 16th, so I will be getting out some, and with school starting back at the university in August, and due to my status, I can go do research in the library and get out where there are other people,so I see hope on the horizon, that or I am going to just buy batteries in mass quantities and call it good.
I swear, this town is desolate when it comes to single men that are of legal age,have a job, and are straight and unmarried.I dont to the whole bar scene anymore, but I would love to have someplace to go where there is at least a chance of meeting a single, straight , employed, man. It was soo much easier to find a single man back home, and if I had my sis to go hunting with me,I am sure that this long, dry spell would come to an end. My son still gets all worked up when I tell him I am going over to the college campus to take care of business,"Leave those college boys alone you COUGAR!" He is worried that I will find a college boy that will end up messing with his Wii or guitars and he gave me this whole long speech about how it was,"Wrong and morally bankrupt for me to even consider looking at younger men." I have to wonder, who the hell raised him? I never taught him that you are supposed to love or date one type of person, and his brothers are pretty liberal with who they find intersting. Stubby loves large black women and oddly enough ,Dakotah Fanning as long as its in her Volturi guise,(he likes tough/mean women), Sticky likes blondes of all shapes,sizes and ages, and my baby girl adores cowboys,(God help her), and my big son has dated so many girls this last year, I have lost track of what he prefers, but I have never tried to push him into a mold, but he damn sure has opinons about what I should date.
The damn wind is blowing like hell this weekend, and the escape I had hoped to make, shows no sign of being possible, but there is hope on the horizon! I have friends who have offered to kid sit, and I am planning to go to the Henry Rollins show on the 16th, so I will be getting out some, and with school starting back at the university in August, and due to my status, I can go do research in the library and get out where there are other people,so I see hope on the horizon, that or I am going to just buy batteries in mass quantities and call it good.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Dear Roger, Is Being Addicted to Reading Treatable Through an Intervention?
I cannot seem to tear myself away from reading or writing for some reason! I am staying up insane hours to read,not great classic works for the most part, but pretty much anything! I have been reading magazines from the subscription to,"Details Magazine" that I got for my oldest son in the hopes of getting him to realize that there are fashion styles beyond skinny jeans and rock t-shirts and beanies, my subscription to,'Psychology Today" as well as ,'Guns and Ammo", and I have 4 books going right now, including,'Cemetary Dance" and ,"The Chronicals of Jack Primus" and a couple of others that I pick up and put down depending on my mood, and then there is my nasty,'Fan Fiction" addiction that I seem to be unable to break.I am readingor writing more than 6 hours a day and I get up at 0500 to start and often go back to bed sometime around 0200.Its insane, and often I find myself nodding off with either a book or my computer in my lap.
I am getting somethings done,I started looking into Writing Fellowships and trying to sort out just what I can do to support me and the kids over the summer,but mostly what I want to do is spend time in the library doing research for my novel,or curled up somewhere quiet so I can read. I have found that I really enjoy listening to music while I write, so i often have my Ipod going or a pop out music player from a couple of bands I like on my desktop so that I can listen to something to keep my brain from focusing on too much of the past.I finished the first chapter, but I could not write about his death.I guess I am just not to that point yet.I got to the curve in the road, and it all came flashing back and I found that I was just unable to do it.I got blistering,"Suicide" migraines for 3 days in a row, and just a feeling of melancholy and sadness, that I decided to see if I could pick up afterwards, and luckily I found a starting point for a chapter that will be in the middle of the book, and even the end has been floating around. Writing has been coming easier lately for other things and I have even been kicking around some song lyrics, and that would be the first time in close to 20 years that I have even remotely considered writing songs. My lyrics tend to be dark and kinda sad, but I think they would also speak to more than a few people, kinda like my poetry did back in the day. I am going to have to see if my mom will give me back my high school journals with the poetry in them, though after the,'Great art and photography funeral pyre" that I conducted 20 years ago where I burned almost all of my work, I am sure it will take some convincing on my behalf to get her to give the surviving stuff. I dont burn much of my work anymore, though I have been tempted, and the book containing my ,"Cowboy Poetry" made it as far as the top of the woodstove before I reconsidered due to her ire over me burning my younger poems, though why she gets so upset with me I dont understand, afterall, I have never let her read any of it.I dont let many people read or see what I have written in the way of fiction or poetry, and it even weirds me out when people I know actually read my online stuff, its kinda like being naked in front of them. I mean, I dont mind if strangers read it, because after all, Ive done my fair share of flashing a little skin when it was around people I wasnt going to ever see again, but when its people who know me, I tend to kinda skeeve out a little inside. Showing my writing or my art is like standing in front of everyone naked with my guts hanging out, you know people judge you and ive got a lot of scars and lumps.Ive never been an exhibitionist or even remotely interested in being famous,(hell, I spent enough time being infamous),and frankly I give a lot of props to those with the guts to get up in front of people and show themselves. I have given a few speeches in front of large crowds,(over 300 people)several times, and the anticipation was the absolute worst.I have told people who use me for public speaking events to not even really warn me, just call me and say,"you need to be here tomorrow and dress nice and be ready to talk to some folks" and I would be fine, but the last time I had to give a speech at a fundraiser for one of my favorite charities, they made the mistake of telling me a month in advance and they expected a copy of my speech 2 weeks before I spoke.By the time the day rolled around, I was a nervous wreck and I had discarded the original speech and I ended up just using some basic notes and speaking from the heart, which I have found always makes people more interested. I got a lot of laughs,(on purpose) and a standing ovation, so I guess it wasnt too bad, but again the sensation of being naked with everything hanging there was almost overpowering. The few times I performed my,'Cowboy Poetry' , it was a little more relaxing because I didnt know anyone,but im still really damn particular who I let read or see it.
I have kinda tinkered with the other stories I was working on, and I do not know if they are going to flesh out enough to be full-length novels, but I am thinking a compilation of my "Southern Gothic' stories might be something worth pitching.Living where I did as a kid sure gave me some stories to tell, and so many of the recollections take me back to times that sure as hell seemed a lot more simple and happy.
I always miss home and the South in the spring.I miss the green of everything and the smell of hay meadows as everyone tried to get in some quick hay cuttings before the rain gets too crazy, I miss the sound of cicadas and whip o wills, and bar b cue, and Southern men, the kinda men I grew up with that had that wonderful lazy way of speaking, and dressing. God, I dont know what it is but I am soo sick of seeing a good looking man and then seeing him wearing flip flops or sandles with socks!I miss men that wear boots and skin tight wrangler jeans that sit soo low...AW HEll! im digressing, but its been soo long that when I hear a Southern accent or a Texan accent in the store I just want to see if they are from home or if there is something we have in common so I can hear the sounds of home a little longer.I also perk up when I hear an English accent as well, because growing up across from Mick and all his craziness, I just associate that Bristol limey accent with home as well. It feels like I have lost soo much by being away, and sometimes when I talk to friends on Facebook, I see that they never left the area and they all seem to be pretty happy. I am the only one in my family that is this far from home, and sometimes I wish I hadnt wandered so far away, and perhaps this constant pull that I seem to feel is my punishment for leaving.
I am getting somethings done,I started looking into Writing Fellowships and trying to sort out just what I can do to support me and the kids over the summer,but mostly what I want to do is spend time in the library doing research for my novel,or curled up somewhere quiet so I can read. I have found that I really enjoy listening to music while I write, so i often have my Ipod going or a pop out music player from a couple of bands I like on my desktop so that I can listen to something to keep my brain from focusing on too much of the past.I finished the first chapter, but I could not write about his death.I guess I am just not to that point yet.I got to the curve in the road, and it all came flashing back and I found that I was just unable to do it.I got blistering,"Suicide" migraines for 3 days in a row, and just a feeling of melancholy and sadness, that I decided to see if I could pick up afterwards, and luckily I found a starting point for a chapter that will be in the middle of the book, and even the end has been floating around. Writing has been coming easier lately for other things and I have even been kicking around some song lyrics, and that would be the first time in close to 20 years that I have even remotely considered writing songs. My lyrics tend to be dark and kinda sad, but I think they would also speak to more than a few people, kinda like my poetry did back in the day. I am going to have to see if my mom will give me back my high school journals with the poetry in them, though after the,'Great art and photography funeral pyre" that I conducted 20 years ago where I burned almost all of my work, I am sure it will take some convincing on my behalf to get her to give the surviving stuff. I dont burn much of my work anymore, though I have been tempted, and the book containing my ,"Cowboy Poetry" made it as far as the top of the woodstove before I reconsidered due to her ire over me burning my younger poems, though why she gets so upset with me I dont understand, afterall, I have never let her read any of it.I dont let many people read or see what I have written in the way of fiction or poetry, and it even weirds me out when people I know actually read my online stuff, its kinda like being naked in front of them. I mean, I dont mind if strangers read it, because after all, Ive done my fair share of flashing a little skin when it was around people I wasnt going to ever see again, but when its people who know me, I tend to kinda skeeve out a little inside. Showing my writing or my art is like standing in front of everyone naked with my guts hanging out, you know people judge you and ive got a lot of scars and lumps.Ive never been an exhibitionist or even remotely interested in being famous,(hell, I spent enough time being infamous),and frankly I give a lot of props to those with the guts to get up in front of people and show themselves. I have given a few speeches in front of large crowds,(over 300 people)several times, and the anticipation was the absolute worst.I have told people who use me for public speaking events to not even really warn me, just call me and say,"you need to be here tomorrow and dress nice and be ready to talk to some folks" and I would be fine, but the last time I had to give a speech at a fundraiser for one of my favorite charities, they made the mistake of telling me a month in advance and they expected a copy of my speech 2 weeks before I spoke.By the time the day rolled around, I was a nervous wreck and I had discarded the original speech and I ended up just using some basic notes and speaking from the heart, which I have found always makes people more interested. I got a lot of laughs,(on purpose) and a standing ovation, so I guess it wasnt too bad, but again the sensation of being naked with everything hanging there was almost overpowering. The few times I performed my,'Cowboy Poetry' , it was a little more relaxing because I didnt know anyone,but im still really damn particular who I let read or see it.
I have kinda tinkered with the other stories I was working on, and I do not know if they are going to flesh out enough to be full-length novels, but I am thinking a compilation of my "Southern Gothic' stories might be something worth pitching.Living where I did as a kid sure gave me some stories to tell, and so many of the recollections take me back to times that sure as hell seemed a lot more simple and happy.
I always miss home and the South in the spring.I miss the green of everything and the smell of hay meadows as everyone tried to get in some quick hay cuttings before the rain gets too crazy, I miss the sound of cicadas and whip o wills, and bar b cue, and Southern men, the kinda men I grew up with that had that wonderful lazy way of speaking, and dressing. God, I dont know what it is but I am soo sick of seeing a good looking man and then seeing him wearing flip flops or sandles with socks!I miss men that wear boots and skin tight wrangler jeans that sit soo low...AW HEll! im digressing, but its been soo long that when I hear a Southern accent or a Texan accent in the store I just want to see if they are from home or if there is something we have in common so I can hear the sounds of home a little longer.I also perk up when I hear an English accent as well, because growing up across from Mick and all his craziness, I just associate that Bristol limey accent with home as well. It feels like I have lost soo much by being away, and sometimes when I talk to friends on Facebook, I see that they never left the area and they all seem to be pretty happy. I am the only one in my family that is this far from home, and sometimes I wish I hadnt wandered so far away, and perhaps this constant pull that I seem to feel is my punishment for leaving.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Dear Rog, Im 41 Going on 14, I think Its Called a Midlife Crisis.
So, im owning the fact I am little bit freaked out about being officially middle-aged, or in the case of our familys history, probably one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel! I mean WTF, you left me at 45, Granpa died at 64, Robert at 43, and Ive danced with death 4 times now and I think I scared him off but Hell, you know I LOVE to dance on the edge.
Im getting that skin-crawling, gotta go now! feeling. I want to be out seeing and doing and going, and those thoughts of just taking that step off the main highway and back out into the wilderness is gnawning at me.The endless days of playing the good little soccer mom from hell are starting to eat me, and its showing in more than a few ways. My temper has gotten shorter and I havent found an outlet for it, and that makes life hell for me and those around me. I have been writing more than usual, and listening to music until I cant take anymore, but I havent touched the guitar in weeks, and I still havent found a piano for the kids to start learning on, so I guess im just rattling around in my head too much without anything physical to ease the stress.
My oldest boy gets home in a few more weeks and I am looking forward to having him around to nag me into doing things like working on the damn van and my yard,(place looks like whats left after a tornado hits a trailer park), so I am not totally mortified when folks come by to visit, though if I keep it up with the surround sound and the music blasting with the occasional werewolf growl thrown in, I may not have too many folks coming around.I managed to clear the crowd of extraneous dogs and children away from my front gate this afternoon by turning up one of the Underworld trilogy movies, my dogs not only left for the back part of the pasture, the neighbor kids and their dog hauled ass home looking back over their shoulders like a chupacabra was on their tail, I about fell out of my chair laughing.
Did my little spiel at the Community Action Board meeting today, and it was well received, in fact, they want me to develop a Facebook page and then coach them through Twitter,(I barely understand that one myself), and then be in charge of it. I have time for that right now, but in the Fall I am going to be taking 12-15 hours o graduate level cousework and hopefully teaching a class or two, and I just dont know if I can committ the time for it. I love volunteering for them, and its nice to be around people who find me interesting and actually capable of doing something, but I have also had some epic arguments with others in that department and they dont like having legal precedent and case law and that kind of stuff thrown at them, so I may have to find a second to run things if I get my Southern up like I did when I was a paid employee.
It was another cold, windy, day up here and because I had to go to my formal meeting and present, I dressed in my finest black jeans and my black banded collar shirt and I made sure all the tattoos were covered, though I did finally break down and wear my damn glasses, so it kinda skewed the whole look into the East German touist vibe again,and that is not conducive to meeting any elgible males. The young fella that I am interested in was a work all day, and my shcedule was all messed up, so it appears that it is going to be a chronic case of the forces moving against us. I did go turn in the rest of the papers over the University to get my funding reinstated, but I am not going to go this Summer, I want the chance to travel, and if I do get the opportunity I dont want classes to hold me back.
I think I need to get more exercise.I am skinny as hell and the size 1 jeans fit me fine other than I do not get why jeans makers feel the need to cut the waist so damn low! I really dont enjoy having my backside in the wind up here, and if I have to squat down or work on something where I am hunkered down, it never fails that one of the dang kids drops something cold down the coin slot or tries to give me a wedgie! Im 41 years old, I am the wedgie inflicter, not the receiver!
Looks like its going to be a summer of taking the kids to movies just about every dang week. They were so excited to see an ad for The Last Airbender, they came running into the living room whooping and hollaring and they jumped on me and knocked my dang chair over backwards! Then they started ,'Earthbending" and "Air Bending" and staging mock battles in the lving room,(makes it really damn hard to write), and telling me that I had to take them. Stubby is all bummed that his dad shaved off his ,"Sokka Doo", I dont think he could stand the fact that I could and did, comb it into a wicked mohawk for the kid on occasion and it was adorable, but with the way Stubbys hair curls forward, it was getting to be a pain and I guess he just found it easier. Sticky really misses his, and he seems to be cussing and growling a lot more than usual, and he damn sure is fighting me over what he is going to wear every day, it took all I had to get him in clean underwear and shoes today, but I won and he was pissed and we ended up having a brawl in the back of the van on the way to school because Stevie dared to sing along with the 100 Monkeys song that Sticky has claimed as his,(Reaper), and he yelled at her to shut up and she threw a book at him and he just went for her, and the next thing you know, all three of them were rolling around in the back of the van, kicking,spitting, throwing punches and acting like a pack of wild animals. I had to pull over and threaten to seatbelt check the lot of them, so its no wonder that some mornings I get up, make my coffee, go sit on the porch and contemplate a vacation, but with the oldest coming home, I can only hope it will get better. I think he finds me to be a decent mom, I mean not too many of friends are willing to listen to the music he listens to most of the time,(emo/screamo),but I try and I show him some of my stuff and we have things to talk about, but we also have things to argue about.Considering I am pretty liberal when it comes to a grown ass persons choice of ,"Partners",I would ahve thought that my son would have developed a fairly calm attitude about me giving up on guys my age, but he is adamant that I should,"Act my age" and not even look at the younger set,but he has no problem with men dating younger women. Im sure we will have some interesting debates when he gets home, but until then I am going to try and raise myself out of this lethargy and get out and do something worthwhile.
Im getting that skin-crawling, gotta go now! feeling. I want to be out seeing and doing and going, and those thoughts of just taking that step off the main highway and back out into the wilderness is gnawning at me.The endless days of playing the good little soccer mom from hell are starting to eat me, and its showing in more than a few ways. My temper has gotten shorter and I havent found an outlet for it, and that makes life hell for me and those around me. I have been writing more than usual, and listening to music until I cant take anymore, but I havent touched the guitar in weeks, and I still havent found a piano for the kids to start learning on, so I guess im just rattling around in my head too much without anything physical to ease the stress.
My oldest boy gets home in a few more weeks and I am looking forward to having him around to nag me into doing things like working on the damn van and my yard,(place looks like whats left after a tornado hits a trailer park), so I am not totally mortified when folks come by to visit, though if I keep it up with the surround sound and the music blasting with the occasional werewolf growl thrown in, I may not have too many folks coming around.I managed to clear the crowd of extraneous dogs and children away from my front gate this afternoon by turning up one of the Underworld trilogy movies, my dogs not only left for the back part of the pasture, the neighbor kids and their dog hauled ass home looking back over their shoulders like a chupacabra was on their tail, I about fell out of my chair laughing.
Did my little spiel at the Community Action Board meeting today, and it was well received, in fact, they want me to develop a Facebook page and then coach them through Twitter,(I barely understand that one myself), and then be in charge of it. I have time for that right now, but in the Fall I am going to be taking 12-15 hours o graduate level cousework and hopefully teaching a class or two, and I just dont know if I can committ the time for it. I love volunteering for them, and its nice to be around people who find me interesting and actually capable of doing something, but I have also had some epic arguments with others in that department and they dont like having legal precedent and case law and that kind of stuff thrown at them, so I may have to find a second to run things if I get my Southern up like I did when I was a paid employee.
It was another cold, windy, day up here and because I had to go to my formal meeting and present, I dressed in my finest black jeans and my black banded collar shirt and I made sure all the tattoos were covered, though I did finally break down and wear my damn glasses, so it kinda skewed the whole look into the East German touist vibe again,and that is not conducive to meeting any elgible males. The young fella that I am interested in was a work all day, and my shcedule was all messed up, so it appears that it is going to be a chronic case of the forces moving against us. I did go turn in the rest of the papers over the University to get my funding reinstated, but I am not going to go this Summer, I want the chance to travel, and if I do get the opportunity I dont want classes to hold me back.
I think I need to get more exercise.I am skinny as hell and the size 1 jeans fit me fine other than I do not get why jeans makers feel the need to cut the waist so damn low! I really dont enjoy having my backside in the wind up here, and if I have to squat down or work on something where I am hunkered down, it never fails that one of the dang kids drops something cold down the coin slot or tries to give me a wedgie! Im 41 years old, I am the wedgie inflicter, not the receiver!
Looks like its going to be a summer of taking the kids to movies just about every dang week. They were so excited to see an ad for The Last Airbender, they came running into the living room whooping and hollaring and they jumped on me and knocked my dang chair over backwards! Then they started ,'Earthbending" and "Air Bending" and staging mock battles in the lving room,(makes it really damn hard to write), and telling me that I had to take them. Stubby is all bummed that his dad shaved off his ,"Sokka Doo", I dont think he could stand the fact that I could and did, comb it into a wicked mohawk for the kid on occasion and it was adorable, but with the way Stubbys hair curls forward, it was getting to be a pain and I guess he just found it easier. Sticky really misses his, and he seems to be cussing and growling a lot more than usual, and he damn sure is fighting me over what he is going to wear every day, it took all I had to get him in clean underwear and shoes today, but I won and he was pissed and we ended up having a brawl in the back of the van on the way to school because Stevie dared to sing along with the 100 Monkeys song that Sticky has claimed as his,(Reaper), and he yelled at her to shut up and she threw a book at him and he just went for her, and the next thing you know, all three of them were rolling around in the back of the van, kicking,spitting, throwing punches and acting like a pack of wild animals. I had to pull over and threaten to seatbelt check the lot of them, so its no wonder that some mornings I get up, make my coffee, go sit on the porch and contemplate a vacation, but with the oldest coming home, I can only hope it will get better. I think he finds me to be a decent mom, I mean not too many of friends are willing to listen to the music he listens to most of the time,(emo/screamo),but I try and I show him some of my stuff and we have things to talk about, but we also have things to argue about.Considering I am pretty liberal when it comes to a grown ass persons choice of ,"Partners",I would ahve thought that my son would have developed a fairly calm attitude about me giving up on guys my age, but he is adamant that I should,"Act my age" and not even look at the younger set,but he has no problem with men dating younger women. Im sure we will have some interesting debates when he gets home, but until then I am going to try and raise myself out of this lethargy and get out and do something worthwhile.
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