Dear Roger: Love Me, Love My Dog

I am a grown up. I like to think I am a person who does their best to get along with most people and see the basic good and humanity in all until given a reason not to. I tend to try to remember that people were once babies that were hopefully loved by someone, somewhere and that they are often the sons, brothers, fathers, and what not of others and cared for in some way. I don't really wish anyone harm who hasn't harmed me. I know what the 7 deadlies are and I try to avoid them, even when I have been done wrong because I know we are all humans and we all make mistakes. Being forgiving is, I guess, a character flaw of mine. I am especially forgiving, and protective of those who have been important to me in my past and along my journey, and I tend to be very forgiving and protective of the young. I do not think that there is any particular thing that a young man can do or say short of harming one of my children that would make me wish him harm, so when I hear someone else say unkind things or say that they to not care if a young person harms themselves, that goes against everything that I stand for as a human being, and I simply cannot stand for it.
When I was a police officer, I took an oath to protect and serve and as a Southerner and a Texan, I still cling to the old ideologies of honor and compassion and looking after those you care about as best you can with no expectation of anything.
When I was in grade school, there were kids who had cliques and little social groups who had strict social policies and they were often,"If you play with or talk to that person, you cant be our friend and we will be hateful to you." Plain and simple it was bullying and ostracizing people, and guess what? I was one of those who was pretty much the odd kid out.I got so I didn't mind being on my own, I had a few pretty close friends who didn't play that game because they were odd kids out as well and we just enjoyed hanging together.
I have seen that kind of behavior again lately and its affected me pretty badly, in fact its stressed me the hell out. I have odd hobbies and likes and I do things that other people don't really understand or care for, but they are things I am very passionate about and occasionally I run across another person who shares my passion and we become friends in our oddness and we have private little rave sessions. Im a fan of things like,"Firefly" and I know what it means to be a Browncoat and to "Stay Shiny", I also am into Steampunk and Stephen King as well as Cowboy Poetry and exploring old abandoned buildings and I tend to like odd Indie music and I have stayed loyal to the little band that I have been a fan of for the past few years.
They are broken and scattered and in odd bits and pieces, and often its difficult to keep straight who is doing what, but I have done my best to keep up with them and quietly support them. I say quietly because for some reason it is still a very contentious thing to do. Wounds have still not healed in many places and while there are many of us who refuse to support the new band at all due to the management, there are more than a few of us who support the boys and pray for the day they find the magic again and for the darkness to leave. We have worked in quiet and subtle ways in order to keep the peace, but I finally snapped last night and said,"ENOUGH LIVING IN THE CLOSET!" This is not middle school. This is what I like, hes not a bad kid. Hes got a voice that moves my heart and I have missed hearing it and seeing him smile, so I am going to work to make that smile  be seen again, and I don't give a rats ass who knows it, or if he even gives a rats dragging nether regions himself. Im doing it for selfish reasons, I like his voice and his smile makes me smile and feel all warm inside, like puppies and kittens. Im waiting for the others to get their butts in gear and show me what they are doing and ill support the hell out of them too, but til them Im not going to hide what or who I like anymore and if that costs me followers or whatnot, then so be it. Im not in grade school and nobody controls me anymore.
I posted an article today about how the mountain in front of my old house is starting to heal, its been two years for both of us and we are both in the same state, a bit ragged and maybe a little rough still, but on the road to recovery.

Dear Roger:Who Is The Boss?

It has been a very hectic couple of weeks for me around here. With trying to get the website up, trying to keep the book sales up and promote my 3rd book,(not really doing very good at that one), keeping my kids entertained and the house clean, dealing with my dog, getting ready to move to a bigger apartment where Stevie and I will finally have our own bathroom, deal with a 16 year old son that seems to have suddenly decided that he is in control of things, and still work a job, pay all the bills and find some time to maybe keep my sanity and occasionally write, the stress has been about to eat me alive.
I have had a couple of days where I had brief overload meltdowns and had to retreat to behind my closed doors and windows and try to hide from everyone and everything, but its been difficult at time to do that when I know I need to keep pushing forward to promote and sell my books.
My son and I have had some pretty epic battles. He has taken the basic tools I gave him in computers and he has run with it. I am the one who taught him his basic skills such as navigating the internet and using some common programs, but as he was supposed to do, he has gone well beyond my abilities now and he is knowledgeable in things like writing code and basic programming, so I had hired him to set up my website for me.
What my son does not seem to understand, is that when you are hired for a job, you are supposed to do what the employer hires you to do, not what YOU want to do. I had to deal with him over-riding my decisions about what text, pictures and formatting to use, he was snarky, condescending, rude, and he made threats to take down my entire website on a regular basis when I didn't do what he wanted.He was acting like a complete and total jerk, and when I went in and changed some things I didn't like, and even put up a page I had asked him to put up, he came in yelled at me like he was the character,"Nick Burns- Your companies Computer Guy" which is what we all call him around here now, and he went in and changed things, including the size of one of the icons because he said that the way I had it set up looked,"Stupid"  and he also said that I had screwed up the entire site.
He stomped off out the door and didn't work on the site for over a day even though he knew I needed to get it online for a big advertising campaign I am doing for my books that ties in with my Facebook page. I couldn't figure out how to go back in and put things back to the way I had set them up, so I just left them and started teaching myself how to set up my own page. I fully intend to be prepared that if he pulls that crap again, I will know how to fix stuff myself, but what was great was when he came home, there was a little comment he needed to see, a little comment that was a game changer in a lot of ways.
My son has very few men he looks up to or even respects because they always seem to be fuck-ups, liars, or they just fail him or worse, like his step father, abuse him, so he keeps most of them at a distance and just takes a page from a playbook or two and holds a few guys to be,"Not class A-jackasses."
Well, one of those guys he takes a page from had contributed an icon for a page and I had put the icon on the page of the website exactly as I had received it, because honestly I had no idea how to change the size, but when Chance came in and accused me of screwing things up, he had gone in and manipulated the icon and changed the shape and set it the way HE thought it should look. The comment was nothing harsh, just that the image was ,"skewed slightly" but it was the equivalent of smacking my growling puppy on the end of the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I got an apology last night. He apologized for being an ass to me all week long and he admitted he might not always be right. The look on his face was priceless and I wish I could have captured it, but he needed to be called to heel and reminded that he is not always right, that he is a 16 year old who has been hired and paid very well to follow instructions to do what I want done, not what he thinks should be done. He muttered and mumbled and grumbled for awhile and then went and licked his wounds by playing his guitar for a few hours, but the bright side is, my website is up and running fine, he is being less of a jerk for now and I had the best,"TOLD YA SO" moment of MONTHS last night, so now maybe he will listen to me a little better.
Stevie made it back from camp and she seemed to have had a great time other than she got a huge bruise on her thigh from falling on some balance beam. She has been enjoying having her hair French braided by our friend Jen, and running around with her. Jen has been great for the kids and remarkably tolerant of my personality quirks and inability to deal with people on an extended basis without getting her feelings hurt too badly. I am trying to be a better friend, but honestly, I really suck at it and there is a real reason I dont have lots of close friends, but my kids have enjoyed socializing and Stevie has enjoyed me having a friend that actually knows how to do hair and all kinds of girly stuff, so hopefully my stress will ease a little in the next weeks after I complete my first big sale to the local coffee shop, and I will feel more like hanging out again.

Dear Roger: Running Uphill

Oh my gosh! It has been an amazing few days, and now that my baby girl is back home from her adventures at church camp and I am sort of back to being myself, I am sure they are only going to get more amazing. I have been trying to get word out about my books and my website as much as possible, but its slow going and I have found that most people seem to really like the paper books that I sign and send out to them, or sell to them personally, so what I have been doing is ordering them in, taking orders from people and then shipping them out and selling them. Mostly everyone has been really good about getting me paid and its been a good way of doing business, so I decided to  see if I could expand upon on that by contacting local businesses to see if they would be interested in carrying my book. I had hoped for maybe a consignment thing with a coffee shop, but after a brief meeting, I left with an order for 10 copies of each of my books and they are going to pay me for them in advance, as in BEFORE they sell them! They want ME to "Commit" to a book signing and they will promote me, and I will be be linking my website to them as an early,"Supporter". As I was on my way home, I stopped off at another store and talked to the owner and they wanted to order 13 sets of my books! It may not seem like a huge deal to the big dog authors out there, but considering I was on foot and I had just sold myself completely out of all of my stock and then some, its a pretty damn huge deal! I have no idea how I am going to manage to buy in the stock I need to meet all the orders, but I am hoping that between working some extra hours at my day job and cutting back in a few other ways, I may just be able to swing it.
My son is forcing me to try a Kickstarter campaign, and we have bickered back and forth about it pretty fiercely. I hate asking folks for any money when I know times are hard and people are strapped to pay for food, but he pointed out that the two I had donated to both belonged to people who were not missing meals like I had, they were simply funding artistic projects, and I will go without to fund my attempt to provide a brighter future for my family by getting my books out to people. We set up the beginning of it last night and he is going to film some kind of video for it in the next day or two that explains what we are looking for. I made him limit the time and amount to the bare minimum and if it works, it means we will be able to hit the ground running with enough stock and publicity materials to really get things going.
The website is mostly up and running and as I can corral him to work on it, he is adding in the pages I want. We got the "Inspirations" page up yesterday and Spencer Bell was the first he put up with a link back to the SBL website after the wonderful Bill Bell granted us permission. Today we added in the 100 Monkeys and its sad that there is nothing to link to anymore, but I wrote a little piece about what they were and are to people.
The next page to go up will be the,"Sponsors and Affiliates" page and it is there that I will put the logos and links to those who have supported and helped and who have inspired me and helped other Indie artists along the way. I hope to build a networking place where the links can lead people to connect with the services they need to help get themselves the things they need, like maybe logos or maybe screenwriting or editing or promotions that way we can guide each other along and support each other.
My son is a already working on the music for  book trailer for my "Paying the Piper", he didn't even ask me what music I had listened to when I wrote it, he knows, but he doesn't care. He will write me a new song, he will play it, record it and we will have our own. I have friends shooting the pictures, and we will use them, credit them and it is slowly going from a singular effort that I did quietly and almost ashamedly, to an effort that is a team united by a common goal of paying things forward and seeing all succeed.
I spent several hours this last couple weeks talking to people about following their dreams and writing as well as publishing, and I told them my crazy story about following a band of monkeys to the sunshine. They may have initially looked at me like I was crazy, but I got hugged twice and one little old lady got tears in her eyes, so I guess its a story that makes a point that every has to find their reason and once they do, they are going to want to make sure they pull others along as well.
I cant bring the band that started it all though God knows I would give just about any vital body part to be able to do that, but I can ensure that the legacy continues in my little way. If you are an Indie Artist and want to work with me and network, shoot me a line and lets start connecting things and people brought together by the 100th Monkey effect to ensure that it never stops. JenniferDScroggins.com hit the guestbook and say "Hello!"

Dear Roger: Keep Moving Forward While Looking Back With A Smile

This past week was pretty damn amazing! The stress and tension that had been building over the small part of the universe we dwell in seemed to melt away and there was joy, laughter and smiles to be found and those who tried to bring anything but that, were castigated, outed for what they are, and quickly shunted off to the oblivion they so richly deserve.
There are unexpected heroes moving quietly to keep things interesting and I have hopes that they will keep things alive and positive in ways that those of us who understand will appreciate. My gut is rarely wrong about things...just sayin.
I am now a dot.com! I bought a couple of domains, including my own name,"JenniferDScroggins.com" and another one called,"MonkeyAfire.com". Its slow going when your I.T. guy is your 16 y/o son that has the social life of a young rock star, so I have to deal with working around his gigs, his dates, his church things, his beach vacations, his skate boarding adventures, and his need to eat all the food in the house and sleep for 12-15 hours at a stretch. I have found he is motivated by cold, hard cash and having his Iphone repossessed, so we finally got the primary site online last night with more to follow hopefully tomorrow, and this should make me easier to find but I learned all kinds of ways to curse Html thanks to his efforts yesterday.
Hes also working on writing songs for my next Book Trailers for "Paying the Piper" and "Drifts", so I guess I cant criticize him too much, but dealing with his work schedule is a lot of stress for a Type A person like me who likes to get stuff done as with as little procrastination as possible and he is all about procrastinating. We will get through it though, hopefully with all our sanity intact and with my books getting some attention and sales.
My daughter is working on drawing and designing some table hangars for my book signing that will hopefully be taking place this coming Saturday, (once my shipment of books arrives), and I am excited to finally be getting things out there and promoted on the local level as well. Its slow going and often stressful and frustrating, and sometimes hurtful and heartbreaking, but its worth it, and I hope that I will leave a legacy for my kids that will provide them with proof that persevering and following your dreams is the right thing to do, even when you have been told you are,"Stupid, crazy and a waste of time".
Keeping my kids involved has motivated them to learn things like more advanced coding for building my websites, design for my advertising, and my son Sticky has even gotten involved with helping to promote my books by talking to people and showing them my books, and when we go to ship out books to people who have ordered signed copies, he helps with the packaging and addressing, so he is learning things that will hopefully help him later in life. Stubby has been quietly promoting my books on his Facebook page, not even telling me he was doing it. He carry's the books to the post office for me, and he handles telling the clerk what we need, so this whole endevour is giving them skills to use in the future, and my daughter, Stevie, is wanting to see about eventually publish her own book in the next year!
Im proud of how far we have come, as we start our 3rd year up here, we have made a lot of progress and we will hopefully see even more in this next year with hopes of getting that car and maybe even going to Texas to see my sister and some friends. The ex is going back to Arizona, he found California to be too hard and child support enforcement sent him a letter letting him know they had found him, oh well, I wont miss what I never got, and we will keep on keeping on and rejoice that now California is a safe zone too!

Dear Roger: Two Years Sees A Lot Of Changes

Yesterday was quite a day in our little corner of the universe, the long awaited event finally occurred and my daughters favorite boy finally became a father. I think I will never again hear in the higher registers. I have to wonder, why do little girls find it necessary to shriek when they are happy? I think my poor neighbors probably had small heart attacks when I saw the Facebook status of his sister post and I looked up and said to my daughter,"Hey, guess what? Jackson's finally a daddy." and she let out a shriek of joy that was probably heard by the boy himself wherever he was.
Poor Spencer jumped, the cat ran and hid and my friend Jen, came close to dropping her Iphone on the tile floor as we watched my daughter race around the apartment yelling and laughing and cheering, stopping only to do the math and smile to herself as she said,"I'm either 8 years older or 19 years younger, either way, its okay!" I promptly sprouted gray hairs in places that had been hold outs as I Google searched the phone number for lock down style all girls schools.
It was a happy day, and a busy day. I bought my domains for the internet so I can hopefully get my books out there with a little more visibility and maybe start making some money on them instead of bleeding cash, and I spent a good hour on the phone walking another person though getting their writing self-published. One of the domains I bought is specifically for that kind of thing, "MonkeyAfire" is going to be a networking site for all of us brought together by the 100th Monkey effect, all of us who want to keep that spirit alive and moving forward, and I hope to get people networking and bringing forward those who are working on building their own dreams.
Summer is finally trying to arrive here in Portland and I am glad to see it. The cold has worn on me and with no concerts to look forward to this summer, I had despaired having anything to look forward to, but things are improving, I am starting to write again when I can fit it in between trying to promote my books and make a little money to support my writing habit, and I am still hoping against hope to get that one shout out or bump that makes all the difference for me, but so far knocking on doors, tweeting, messaging and sending my books out into the great unknown has just netted a trickle of interest, but I wont quit, I have my little girl sitting next to me most of the time, encouraging me and patting my back, reminding me why I do what I do, and telling me her plans for when we are finally able to afford, "Good used car and a full months groceries."

Dear Roger: This Month, We Think Of Gratitude

Summer is a time of reflection for me. I woke up this morning on my nice new leather couch in my comfortable living room without anyone yelling at me,(other than Spencer, my dog), and I realized that I have been in Portland for almost 2 years, at first with just two of my kids and then a year and a month later, with all of my kids. Its been two amazing years of changes. I still have my issues, some days are better than others, but I have been steadily employed for almost a year, I am a published author x's THREE and I have FRIENDS that I actually hang out with on a regular basis. I still stay in the house more than I go out, and I still struggle with hyper-vigilance, my stammer, headaches and my temper, but I go more days wanting to be here than not.
I am enjoying my life more. I'm not ducking and dodging and worrying about appeasing anyone so they didn't hurt me or my kids.I struggle and scrounge to keep my kids clothed and fed, and we don't have extra anything, but we are HAPPY. My eldest son is now learning how to drive thanks to my new friend, and I got to go see a movie in the theater with another adult and we acted silly and hooted and hollered and OBJECTIFIED the hell out the men on the screen and I walked out of the first movie I had seen in almost a year, laughing.
I've gotten tougher I think. I stood my ex down and told him to leave when he showed up here in Portland thinking he was going to bully me into supporting him and putting up with his crap again. I went "Keep Awake" on him and I managed to get just the right amount of "scary psycho chick" look in my eye and he scurried away to go mooch off someone else, leaving us with debt we didn't need, depleted cupboards, a cat with worms and fleas, and junk in storage I just managed to get hauled off yesterday. He kept the damn van, deciding he needed it more than me and the four kids.
Its taken us a bit to recover from his,"Visit" and even his paltry contributions of 100 here or there when the mood strikes him haven't done too much to ease the stress of it all, but knowing he wont be back would be more help. I've finally filed for child support, because after his last call where he told the kids he had spent the last two weeks sitting on the beach reading while we were scrambling trying to find money for milk and bread, I knew something had to give. I decided that nothing motivates a man to get busy like threats of going to jail or losing their drivers license. I don't do this lightly, but when it has been years and years of nothing but excuse after excuse for not supporting his kids, for failing them, and being a lazy slob, then something has to be done. Hes not disabled, hes just lazy and its time he gets some proper motivation. My eldest son wants me to go after his father too, and while that scares the hell out of me, he says its time he finally does the right thing as well.
Its going to be an even busier year this next one I have a feeling and hopefully just as upwardly mobile. My kids are happy and safe, I feel mostly happy and safe and I am proud of the progress I have made these past two years. I have grown a lot as a person and I am alive. He has not won, and in spite of his attempts to continually pick at my insecurities and bring me down, he is the one who is essentially homeless and who has done nothing for himself or his kids. I have clothed, fed and sheltered them on my own and I have managed to hold down and job and publish THREE books while all he has done is criticize me for following my dream, but the voice that use to roar right in my face with the straight razor at my throat is now just a whisper at my heels.
My little girl is creating an event on Facebook and inviting people to our "Two Year Celebration of Life" on July 28th. She is stone cold serious. If you can, come join us, it wont be fancy, but it will be happy.