Dear Roger: All For Naught?

I don't know the exact moment when I lost my life, but it seemed to happen slowly for me, especially since I had always been a somewhat selfish and daredevil type person. I lived a lifestyle of someone who really didn't expect to live a long life, but it was going to be a fun life packed with as much adventure and debauchery as possible, but then one day I got a wake up call in the form of a little curly haired, blue eyed, dimpled , baby boy that had no one to count on but me. His biological father had not been inclined to contribute anything other than some dna that he felt necessary to force upon me, and death threats for both of us when I contacted him with the news he was going to be a father, I guess when one is a paramedic, the only lives one cares about are those of strangers, but thus I digress. The baby boy only had me; erratic, immature, selfish, ME. I wasn't sure what to do with him at first but then he looked at me with those big blue eyes and something came over me and I knew that I had to do  my best for him no matter what, and my best was taking whatever jobs I could find, getting back into school so I could eventually get better paying jobs, and it meant that I stopped all the things that I used to do FOR myself.
For close to the last two decades I have lived for that little boy, (and his siblings), I made tough choice, gave up friends, dreams, pride, and travel to make sure he had things he wanted and needed. I'm not crying about it, its simply the way things are supposed to be. I struggled, I was humiliated from time to time, asking strangers for help when my health became so tenuous that I could not work enough to provide well for the little boy, I have sat in public assistance offices under the cold glare of the cheap lighting and felt like I wanted to sink through the floor, I have read the posts on my friends Facebooks walls about how they they welfare recipients are scum, and I cringe and think to myself that I wonder if they have any idea how humiliating and hard it is for someone who has had it all, then lost it all and struggled to take care of a child on their on while trying to get the father to help out, to real that kind of post from,"Friends" but I never say anything, I just pretend I didn't see it and I read on down and see their next post about how they think abortion is murder, and I remember about how that is what the father demanded that I end the little boy that way and how for one desperate moment when I realized I was going to be kicked out of Paramedic school and lose my job as an EMT, I considered it, but then I say nothing and I remember how much I loved that little boy from the moment he was placed in my arms.
He was a sweet child, all curls and dimples and big blue eyes and polite manners that charmed the hell out of everyone who met him. He has always been strikingly handsome and he was an outstanding student up until he reached high school, and even when life at home became difficult due to the situation with my exhusband, the little boy tried his best to be the hero. He started to change after he became a teenager, and while that is expected, he became a hostile and angry young man.
Ive tried soo many things to help him, he wanted to stay in one place, we stayed in one place until the reason he wanted to stay was not working out. He wanted to try online high school I let him try online high school. He wanted to go back to high school, I helped him go back. He wanted to move, we moved. We finally got a car, finally moved to a great neighborhood, finally have a great life looking right at us and he just seems to be angry all the time. His girlfriend was being abused at home so I allowed her to move in so she could finish high school in a safe environment. I thought that would make him happy, but it didn't. Nothing I do seems to make him happy anymore, and there are no more sweet hugs or,"Mom, I love you's: from him. In fact, there haven't been for a long time. We move around each other in the house much like my ex and I did, he like an angry lion about to strike out at me, and I like a nervous mouse. I cannot do anything, or say anything right so I have given up trying and I just go to work, do my job and come home at the end of the day, hopeful he is elsewhere so I will not incite his wrath again and hear the words that made me truly feel like my life was over, "I fucking hate you, you are the worst mother ever, I wish you would just go die."

Dear Roger: Kill Me or Cure Me?

Lately life has become a constant,"WTF?" I haven't been in my kitchen to cook in weeks, those duties have been taken over by my kids who have decided that we are going vegetarian,(they are trying to slide vegan past me), and not only is there no longer any meat in the house, what is in the house is constantly, disgustingly, healthy! No greasy snacks, no junk food, and no processed anything. I think my body has somewhat gone into shock. I do still have my coffee and that is the one saving grace I have and the fact that they have been making homemade bread and rolls and things like that to keep me from running to the nearest convenience store in search of a HoHo.
I am also getting regular exercise. Its not some 15 minutes on a treadmill kind of BS either, my best friend seems determined to walk the legs the hell off of me so we take off every evening and we walk for close to an hour. Its not some slow, meander either, we are power-walking /almost jogging and we are getting some distance on us. We walk up to Reed college and around there up to the main drag near our house and then back around and home. Its a bit wearing in crappy chucks, but I sleep like the dead when I get home and both our asses look fantastic.
Work is going good, the one problem that I was having to deal with on a fairly regular basis, decided to remove itself yesterday. When I spotted the activity and the Uhaul I happy danced all around my living room to the tune of ,"Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead", I've already started prepping an ad for their apartment and im looking forward to a drama free summer now.
My new car is pretty cool, the color is not what I would have selected if I had it to do over again, but for the time and place and the price? I would have taken it if it had been safety orange. I got it for below book and you cant beat that with a big stick. I drive my boy to work every morning and I actually enjoy that time with him. We chat a bit and then after I drop him I get to have some time to myself to just blast my music and relax.
Summer is going to be busy for all of us, my eldest is supposed to finally get off his ass and enroll in a program that is a combination of college and high school credits so he can get off my couch and stop playing Pokemon and back into doing something productive with his life.
Im finally getting caught up on all the stuff in my office and getting this place whipped into shape so it looks good. I love it here and most of the residents are great folks who simply want to just pay their rent, live their lives and enjoy their peace and quiet so I hope to be able to help them do just that. My boss isnt all over me constantly and that keeps my anxiety level low so I can get stuff done, and work as much as I need to,(or until my kids or my boy drag me out of my office), to make sure things are handled. I do love my job and my neighborhood and it makes it all worth it.
We fit in down here, there isnt the feeling of being outsiders like we had in our last neighborhood, and we are starting to meet people and get to make friends and connections outside of our own little world. My kids have friends in school and we go up to the school events and actually have fun. I think I get more of a kick out of seeing the looks on peoples faces as they try to figure out the connection between my boy and me, especially when my daughter runs up to him and asks permission from him to go do something and he answers, or when I ask if hes ready to go home? Life is good.