Dear Roger: This Is The Song That Never Ends

Its been busy around here. I swear I feel like I have passed myself a few times on my way to do other things. I have worked, done all the laundry and dishes for 5 people, grocery shopped and then put away over $300 worth of groceries only to pull out some of it and cook dinner later that evening, helped with homework, done extra work at my job, picked up endless messes at the house, cleaned to cat box, cuddled upset children, talked to friends, scrubbed bathrooms,sinks, and floors, helped to turn a couple of empty apartments and walked a few miles to places I had to be for meetings and such as well as herded my brood to a park that was a good distance away. No wonder I passed out on the couch the other night and didn't hear my eldest son come in from being out at a football game with friends. He said I was on my back with my arms crossed on my chest like some,'Creepy vampire". I asked him why he didn't wake me up and send me to be and he told me he tried, but I didn't respond. I was that far gone. I guess my days of being a light sleeper are over with.

Being a referee will wear you the hell out. I think I spend more time trying to keep the mayhem under control than I do anything else. The oldest boy has the least patience with the little ones. He is soo tightly wound that its hard for him to just embrace the silliness of it all or to ignore it.I worry about him sometimes. He never seems to cut loose and just act silly and relax, and I try to remind him that things could be soo much worse. Life is stressful if you let it be, but if you just laugh, it will eventually work out somehow. We aren't that bad off. We are all fairly healthy, we are all together, and we are all reasonably sane. He tends to dwell on the things we don't have or the things he thinks we need. Yeah, a car would be nice. But we don't have one and I don't have the money to buy one and nobody is going to give us one, he needs to understand that and just move on. I have and I just work on figuring out how to function and get around without one. He never dances with the kids in the living room when we are having one of our silly dance parties, even though his baby sister begs him to, and that's sad. He says he wants to be an actor or a rock star, but I tell him that he better pull the stick out of his ass and learn to lighten up and cut loose or he will never make it. The little kids have it all figured out, most of all my little girl and Sticky. They never seem to dwell on what we don't have, and they make due. The only time I have seen Sticky stress even a little was last night when his glasses got broken. He was up past bed time, giving my eldest son a hard time, and they got into a grappling match over something and Sticky's glasses somehow got into the fray. The earpiece got snapped off right at where they connect to the eye piece. It was devastating. Everyone froze in shock and Sticky dropped to the floor in tears. "My glasses! Im blind without my glasses!" My eldest son felt terrible, I was sick and just in shock. I called the ex to see if he had or could find the spare pair I had bought last year, but he was more interested in yelling about my eldest son breaking the main pair.Lucky for us, our guardian angel saw my tweets about the catastrophe and not only sent me a link to an agency that could help us maybe get him a new pair, she also brought us by a tube of super glue at after 10:00 at night that fixed them right up! If not for her, my poor son would be going to school blind today, as it is , hes sitting here right now wearing his glasses smiling and happy to be harassing the cat before he gets dressed for school. Like I told my eldest, it all works out in the end, you just have to have hope.

Its meeting after meeting today. I have to go to an IEP for Sticky this morning and then meet with a Developmental Disabilities case manager this afternoon to see what services the state of Oregon wont be able to offer him. I hope they can at least provide some kind of decent services that will help him get prepared for an independent life, but with budget cuts and so on, I figure I am his best bet and I just continue to do what I cant to teach him. Walking anywhere with him is such an ordeal. He is like Ferdinand the bull in that he likes to stop and smell the posies, pick up sticks, sit around and look at everything, and if you annoy him he will just sit down and put the brakes on, refusing to move. He weighs over 75lbs now and its hard for me to pick him up and baby carry him when he does that, so coaxing him along is my only option. He has terribly flat feet too, so he ambles along due to that as well, making progress slow. I am dreading the rainy season and I am considering looking for a good used jog stroller, though my eldest son was horrified with the idea of his 11 year old brother riding in a stroller..I had considered a wagon, but that would be even more conspicuous. I am just going to have to find a 3rd job and work harder about getting a car.

My ex had the yard sale yesterday. He gleefully called me early in the morning to tell me that he had made over $300 selling the rest of my barn wood furniture, and my Texas star tables as well as some of my art and decor. I asked him if he was selling any of his jewelry making stuff that he rarely if ever uses and he said,"No". It was only my stuff that he sold. He made over $500 during the day and when he called me last night I asked him if he was going to help us out any. He grudgingly agreed to contribute $200, but hes planning on keeping the rest to help himself. How nice...my things being sold to help him. I just keep telling myself,"They are only things, I have my kids." I win.