Dear Roger: The Monkey Is Erect

Its been a hectic, crazy, exhausting couple of weeks, but now it is starting to settle down just a little bit and I finally have my desk back where its sort of in order again and I can every now and then steal a moment to write a thing or two.
I love my new apartment, I like having the high ground and the feeling of being able to see trouble coming. Yeah, I may be a paranoid nut job, but whatever, it also has a killer view of some mountains and the zombie apocalypse will have to make do with my neighbors first.
My job is keeping me busy and my boss is insisting I do things like write the newsletter and actually interact with people. Its a bit of a weird thing for me that occasionally takes me way beyond my comfort zone, but I guess that is a good thing? Im actually taking them a bit beyond their comfort zone in that I am getting them involved in using social media for marketing and trying out new things to promote the company. We will see how it all goes.
The kids are finally starting to get close to going back to school! I am soo damn happy about that! I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but I LOVE the start of school and some time to myself.
Me and my crazy assed dog have seemed to have finally reached an understanding about things. I wasn't really sure if I was ever going to bond with him, and this last month was especially hard on me, being that it was the 1 year anniversary of losing Fergus and the month Spencer turned 1. Hes the size of a small horse now, standing past my hip, with paws as big as my hand and a tail that seems to unerringly knock off everything I want to stay upright. It always felt like I was the one dealing with the less pleasant parts of his care while my eldest son, the one who was supposed to help me with his care, pretty much ignored him for the most part. I had reached the point of frustration with the entire situation  that I had even begun seeking a better home for Spencer where he would actually have a chance of getting more attention and perhaps an owner who could spend time with him and not be injured,(hes dislocated my shoulder twice and pulled my knee out of place being rambunctious), so it was hard for me to feel anything but ire for him when I had to try and walk him. The closer it came to the anniversary of Fergs death, the more painful it became for me to deal with Spencer, and one evening I was sitting on the couch looking at pictures of of Ferg, back when I first got him, and I was crying when I realized that he, in a lot of ways resembled Spencer at that time in his life. He was big and goofy, all angles and paws and unsure of where all his parts were going at the same time and he knocked me off the porch at home a few times and knocked me over a few times before we reached our understanding, and he had a fondness for eating my favorite books when he was mad at me for leaving him home. He used to track mud inside when I had just mopped and if he got nervous about the fighting he would sometimes pee in fear before he would try to protect me. I try to give Spencer the benefit of the doubt about a lot of things and he genuinely seems to be a good and smart dog that wants to please us, but I had just not connected to him at all until some really weird things started happening.
After we got moved, it was almost as if my eldest son just quit caring about Spencer altogether, he wouldn't walk him, feed him water him or even spend a moment talking to him. I kept finding the dog laying at my feet at night as I sat on the couch or at my desk, in fact I almost tripped over him a few times. He followed me from room to room like a silent black shadow and when I would get out of the shower in the morning he would be sitting by the door, just like Fergus used to do. He started sitting at staring at me when he needed out, in fact he stopped ringing the bells at the door and just started walking up and staring at me or nudging my computer or my hand until I would get up and take him out. He started not jerking me around when we went out walking, heeling like we had been working together all along and things have been going smooth, but today was the icing on the weird cake.
Fergus used to freak out when I would sit on the ground or lay on the floor. He couldn't stand it. He would do his high pitched,"I don't like that!!" bark and he would bound around me like he was a crazy assed spring bok, trying to protect his young until I got up and proved I was okay. When I took Spencer out this afternoon and let him run around in the grass for a bit, I got tired and I decided to sit in the cool grass for a bit. I was like Fergs spirit took him over because the minute my butt hit that grass, Spence was in my face doing THAT bark. He was bounding around me freaking out until I got up but once I got up, he stopped and just flopped down with his tongue hanging out staring at me and my daughter after I yelled at him,"Spencer Jackson! Cool your Jets!!" Thats another thing, he wont respond to his shortened name, my damn kids have him trained to only respond to his FULL name for the full dorky effect, so just in time for me to finally bond with the damn dog, I realize I will forever lose my cool cred anytime I walk him anywhere. I had a good cry and petted him as I walked him up the stairs home, and hes laying at my feet right now being a good boy, and I guess I have finally decided to give him a chance to be the dog he can be, and not the dog I miss so much, though I have more than a passing feeling that the dog I miss so much is not very far away from us.

Dear Roger: The Monkey is Sideways

The move is finally over! We are in the new apartment and its vastly different than the old apartment. Even though its on the second floor and you would think it would be hotter, its actually cooler, and its damn sure quieter. The only down side is the neighbors below us are smokers, and even though they are only supposed to smoke outside, its pretty obvious by the smell in the master bedroom that they smoke in their house. Im hoping that gets handled pretty quick because with all the new carpet, paint, fixtures and such that we have, their nasty cigarette smoke will make it stink in no time at all.
The move was what I expected. The only help we had was #6 son, everybody else either strangely didn't get texts or just didn't show up, so we had no truck, and the only dolly available had a flat tire, so it was trudging back and forth across the parking lot and up a flight of 20 stairs in the two hottest days we have had all summer with our stuff. I did fine until the last day when I went to pick up one of the last things we were moving and I missed the bottom step at the old apartment and dislocated my bad knee.
I've dislocated that knee a few times, it always sucks, it always makes me cuss in unique and colorful ways and it usually freaks out Chance when it happens. There is no point in going to a doctor about it, I know how to fix it myself just like I know how to fix my own shoulders, hips and fingers when they pop out. I got it back in and then hobbled to the new apartment found my knee brace, wrapped it up so it wouldn't slip right back out, and went back to doing what needed to be done.
The kids handled the move pretty well. Sticky turned 12 in the middle of it and I got him an X-Box 360 with the Kinect thingy, so we set it up with his games and they played that and stayed out of the way through most of it. My eldest son is still irritated that he didn't get the Master bedroom and the private bathroom, but I told him its my and Stevie's turn to have the bigger room.
The dog does not seem to like the second floor experience much, he gets pretty excited and runs amuck like hes lost his mind when hes loose and I think that is a sign he needs exercise as much as anything else, but hopefully he will adjust soon.
We are getting all the redecorating done as quickly as possible and settled in so that when school starts back in a month, everyone will be ready to go and comfortable. I need to get back to writing in the worst way. I have had a story idea cooking for quite a while, but with everything in disarray, its hard to get my mojo working on it. I haven't hardly done any promotion on any of my other books while the move has been going on, and dealing with all the transition but now that we are done, I have to get back on it and get things rolling again.
I've decided I need some new art for the living room, so I'm going to be looking for just the right piece until I find it. Its not really something I can just walk over to a store and buy, it has to be something that strikes me, so I guess Ill have to spend some time out and about looking for just the right thing to set off our new place.
The move was an adventure and I hope to not have to do it again anytime soon because somehow our 7 bags has become a whole bunch more and its all HEAVY!

Dear Roger: The Monkey Is Upside Down

The move into the new apartment has been held up due to maintenance taking a little longer than expected. All the upgrades required a lot of man power that would have been available if there hadn't been about 100 other things going on in the complex at the same time, so instead of moving this weekend, I have been sitting in my old apartment, among the stacked boxes of my things, my artwork and my decor trying not to lose my shit.
I am a neat freak. I admit it and I am kind of proud of it. Yes, I have 4 kids. But, my 4 kids know that mom expects them to clean up after themselves. In my house there is a place for everything and I really like everything to be in its place, but right now? Right now there is crap everywhere. There are stray monkeys staring at me from the coffee table, odd socks laying on my book shelf, art work stacked all over the dog crate, dishes in boxes on chairs and fans running full blast blowing tepid air all over everything.
Yeah, its hot. Its hot and muggy and miserable and we are all grumpy. I've had a story in my head for almost a week and no place to write it. The table was put out for donation because we aren't moving it to the new apartment. We are rearranging and redecorating and changing some things around I just want my life back in order so I can write the damn story and get things back to rights before Sticky turns 12 on Wednesday, that is going to be a big deal. My Stickyman is going to be 12...amazing. Im still in awe of him every day.
When he was born I was a wreck for a while, and seeing him in the NICU was tough on me. I felt like every needle in him, every tube every time he slid backwards was a failure on my part as a mother. Even though I had done everything right, I felt judged because he was born with Downs. Those first few years were soo hard and so scary, but he had come so far and most of the funny stories I have to tell are because of him.
The poop in the heater vent, the peeing off the front porch in his snow boots and boxers, how he is able to tame rampaging hounds with just a click of his tongue and a look, his singing of Reaper and Moves Like Jagger, his God awful sense of humor and flirting with every woman he encounters, showing me his butt pimples, moonings, and his sense of style. He has made my life soo much better and brighter that I wouldn't trade a moment of it.
I managed to get him the one thing he has been begging for since I got him back, an X-Box 360, and though I am rabidly anti-video game, they are actually good for him since they help him develop his hand eye coordination and small muscle control and with most of the stuff I insist on getting being educational, his speech and reading. He is going to lose his mind on Wednesday when he gets to unwrap it and the Kinect that goes with it and I cant wait to see it. He came to me last night before he went to bed and he said, "Dont forget mom, 3 days! August 8! I turn 12! I want an X-box 360 with Lego Batman 2 and Oh, yeah! Cupcakes and Chicken!" Moms got it handled Stickyman, even if everything else is upside down and sideways.

Dear Roger: Pride, In The Name Of Love

I am ridiculously proud of my eldest son and youngest daughter. With all the hoorah over the whole chicken restaurant stupidity, we have had quite a few conversations about faith, compassion, humanity and walking your talk lately. In face we have had quite a few conversations about many deep subjects lately, including bio-ethics, the state of mental health care in this country, and the criminal justice system.
My son is very attuned to things that are going on around him, which to me is surprising considering he is a teenager, a guy and he likes to play his guitar and his video games a bit more than I think practical, but yesterday he really surprised me. He came home from spending the day working with the maintenance crew, following them around learning how to do all kinds of things that he had always wanted to learn how to do, and that are practical skills for someone to have, like light installation, sink installation, lock installation and just general home fixer up stuff. He went in, took a shower and then tells me that for the first time in weeks he is going to church.
I was a bit shocked because he had quit going in disgust over some of the things he was hearing and just some of the doctrine he didn't agree with so I asked him why he was going. He told me, "I think that someone needs to go there and tell them that they are ignoring the real message of Christ. What they are doing and saying is disgusting and I think they need to know that and maybe I can educate some of them about how wrong and hypocritical they are being."
That is exactly what he did. He went to his youth group meeting and he lead a discussion about how the church has lost the true meaning of Jesus's message and that they are losing people because they have lost themselves. My little girl did the same. She was a little less diplomatic, and I have a feeling words like,"Stupid heads" were probably used, but both my kids vented their disgust at the behavior of the so-called Christians who were using fast food as a way to show their hate of a group of people that they are supposed to love if they are truly following the message of the bible,(this is according to my son), I really don't know, I have decided I am Buddhist. My son said he figured as much, but that I have to get the whole desire to stomp a mud hole in wrong-doers asses under control, but that it actually seems to fit me and my philosophy the best.
I asked him if he was going to change churches now that he had seen plain and clear that they seem to really endorse hate and he said,'No, it is my job as a good Christian to change them. Jesus called upon us to help the sinners and that is what I am going to do, I am going to help those sinners, I am going to continue to tell them how wrong they are and Ill be there to quote them the scriptures that they are forgetting when they go talking hate."
He is 16. He was an abused child who has pretty much lived in poverty his entire life. I am not religious at all. I simply taught him that compassion, kindness, love and hope are the things we all need to get through this life because material things don't matter and what people will remember are the deeds you did in your life. He has had to grow up fast, in fact hes working and trying hard to contribute to the family in any way possible, and he has stepped into the father role with his siblings even though he didn't want to, but he has tried hard to be a good example to them.
My little girl came home and was angry that some of her friends were bragging about eating at that place and,"Showing the homosexuals they were bad." She was telling me she told them that people should be free to love who they want as long as they are adults and that hate is wrong. She went on an unfriending spree and told me that if they continued to be,"Ugly" she was going to be Buddhist like me because she just couldn't be part of any faith that had hate in it. She was really upset and distressed over it and concerned because she truly does not understand why there is hate over such things, she has read the Bible and has taken to heart the passage that said,"Love thy neighbor as you love thyself." Mean people also distress her, she cringes down and runs to hide when people get loud or she senses too much tension in the room, its a throwback to the days when there was constant horror in the house, and she wont watch the news when there is yelling and fighting on it, so what had been a sanctuary for her,(church), has become a source of stress because she has been hearing messages of hate about people she knows and loves.
My kids make me proud, all of them. Sticky and Stubby have stayed out of this whole argument other than to say that they didn't know what the fuss was about since we hadn't eaten there in over two years, but they didn't mind if we never ate there again because my chicken was much better anyway.

Dear Roger: Love Me, Love My Dog

I am a grown up. I like to think I am a person who does their best to get along with most people and see the basic good and humanity in all until given a reason not to. I tend to try to remember that people were once babies that were hopefully loved by someone, somewhere and that they are often the sons, brothers, fathers, and what not of others and cared for in some way. I don't really wish anyone harm who hasn't harmed me. I know what the 7 deadlies are and I try to avoid them, even when I have been done wrong because I know we are all humans and we all make mistakes. Being forgiving is, I guess, a character flaw of mine. I am especially forgiving, and protective of those who have been important to me in my past and along my journey, and I tend to be very forgiving and protective of the young. I do not think that there is any particular thing that a young man can do or say short of harming one of my children that would make me wish him harm, so when I hear someone else say unkind things or say that they to not care if a young person harms themselves, that goes against everything that I stand for as a human being, and I simply cannot stand for it.
When I was a police officer, I took an oath to protect and serve and as a Southerner and a Texan, I still cling to the old ideologies of honor and compassion and looking after those you care about as best you can with no expectation of anything.
When I was in grade school, there were kids who had cliques and little social groups who had strict social policies and they were often,"If you play with or talk to that person, you cant be our friend and we will be hateful to you." Plain and simple it was bullying and ostracizing people, and guess what? I was one of those who was pretty much the odd kid out.I got so I didn't mind being on my own, I had a few pretty close friends who didn't play that game because they were odd kids out as well and we just enjoyed hanging together.
I have seen that kind of behavior again lately and its affected me pretty badly, in fact its stressed me the hell out. I have odd hobbies and likes and I do things that other people don't really understand or care for, but they are things I am very passionate about and occasionally I run across another person who shares my passion and we become friends in our oddness and we have private little rave sessions. Im a fan of things like,"Firefly" and I know what it means to be a Browncoat and to "Stay Shiny", I also am into Steampunk and Stephen King as well as Cowboy Poetry and exploring old abandoned buildings and I tend to like odd Indie music and I have stayed loyal to the little band that I have been a fan of for the past few years.
They are broken and scattered and in odd bits and pieces, and often its difficult to keep straight who is doing what, but I have done my best to keep up with them and quietly support them. I say quietly because for some reason it is still a very contentious thing to do. Wounds have still not healed in many places and while there are many of us who refuse to support the new band at all due to the management, there are more than a few of us who support the boys and pray for the day they find the magic again and for the darkness to leave. We have worked in quiet and subtle ways in order to keep the peace, but I finally snapped last night and said,"ENOUGH LIVING IN THE CLOSET!" This is not middle school. This is what I like, hes not a bad kid. Hes got a voice that moves my heart and I have missed hearing it and seeing him smile, so I am going to work to make that smile  be seen again, and I don't give a rats ass who knows it, or if he even gives a rats dragging nether regions himself. Im doing it for selfish reasons, I like his voice and his smile makes me smile and feel all warm inside, like puppies and kittens. Im waiting for the others to get their butts in gear and show me what they are doing and ill support the hell out of them too, but til them Im not going to hide what or who I like anymore and if that costs me followers or whatnot, then so be it. Im not in grade school and nobody controls me anymore.
I posted an article today about how the mountain in front of my old house is starting to heal, its been two years for both of us and we are both in the same state, a bit ragged and maybe a little rough still, but on the road to recovery.

Dear Roger:Who Is The Boss?

It has been a very hectic couple of weeks for me around here. With trying to get the website up, trying to keep the book sales up and promote my 3rd book,(not really doing very good at that one), keeping my kids entertained and the house clean, dealing with my dog, getting ready to move to a bigger apartment where Stevie and I will finally have our own bathroom, deal with a 16 year old son that seems to have suddenly decided that he is in control of things, and still work a job, pay all the bills and find some time to maybe keep my sanity and occasionally write, the stress has been about to eat me alive.
I have had a couple of days where I had brief overload meltdowns and had to retreat to behind my closed doors and windows and try to hide from everyone and everything, but its been difficult at time to do that when I know I need to keep pushing forward to promote and sell my books.
My son and I have had some pretty epic battles. He has taken the basic tools I gave him in computers and he has run with it. I am the one who taught him his basic skills such as navigating the internet and using some common programs, but as he was supposed to do, he has gone well beyond my abilities now and he is knowledgeable in things like writing code and basic programming, so I had hired him to set up my website for me.
What my son does not seem to understand, is that when you are hired for a job, you are supposed to do what the employer hires you to do, not what YOU want to do. I had to deal with him over-riding my decisions about what text, pictures and formatting to use, he was snarky, condescending, rude, and he made threats to take down my entire website on a regular basis when I didn't do what he wanted.He was acting like a complete and total jerk, and when I went in and changed some things I didn't like, and even put up a page I had asked him to put up, he came in yelled at me like he was the character,"Nick Burns- Your companies Computer Guy" which is what we all call him around here now, and he went in and changed things, including the size of one of the icons because he said that the way I had it set up looked,"Stupid"  and he also said that I had screwed up the entire site.
He stomped off out the door and didn't work on the site for over a day even though he knew I needed to get it online for a big advertising campaign I am doing for my books that ties in with my Facebook page. I couldn't figure out how to go back in and put things back to the way I had set them up, so I just left them and started teaching myself how to set up my own page. I fully intend to be prepared that if he pulls that crap again, I will know how to fix stuff myself, but what was great was when he came home, there was a little comment he needed to see, a little comment that was a game changer in a lot of ways.
My son has very few men he looks up to or even respects because they always seem to be fuck-ups, liars, or they just fail him or worse, like his step father, abuse him, so he keeps most of them at a distance and just takes a page from a playbook or two and holds a few guys to be,"Not class A-jackasses."
Well, one of those guys he takes a page from had contributed an icon for a page and I had put the icon on the page of the website exactly as I had received it, because honestly I had no idea how to change the size, but when Chance came in and accused me of screwing things up, he had gone in and manipulated the icon and changed the shape and set it the way HE thought it should look. The comment was nothing harsh, just that the image was ,"skewed slightly" but it was the equivalent of smacking my growling puppy on the end of the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I got an apology last night. He apologized for being an ass to me all week long and he admitted he might not always be right. The look on his face was priceless and I wish I could have captured it, but he needed to be called to heel and reminded that he is not always right, that he is a 16 year old who has been hired and paid very well to follow instructions to do what I want done, not what he thinks should be done. He muttered and mumbled and grumbled for awhile and then went and licked his wounds by playing his guitar for a few hours, but the bright side is, my website is up and running fine, he is being less of a jerk for now and I had the best,"TOLD YA SO" moment of MONTHS last night, so now maybe he will listen to me a little better.
Stevie made it back from camp and she seemed to have had a great time other than she got a huge bruise on her thigh from falling on some balance beam. She has been enjoying having her hair French braided by our friend Jen, and running around with her. Jen has been great for the kids and remarkably tolerant of my personality quirks and inability to deal with people on an extended basis without getting her feelings hurt too badly. I am trying to be a better friend, but honestly, I really suck at it and there is a real reason I dont have lots of close friends, but my kids have enjoyed socializing and Stevie has enjoyed me having a friend that actually knows how to do hair and all kinds of girly stuff, so hopefully my stress will ease a little in the next weeks after I complete my first big sale to the local coffee shop, and I will feel more like hanging out again.

Dear Roger: Running Uphill

Oh my gosh! It has been an amazing few days, and now that my baby girl is back home from her adventures at church camp and I am sort of back to being myself, I am sure they are only going to get more amazing. I have been trying to get word out about my books and my website as much as possible, but its slow going and I have found that most people seem to really like the paper books that I sign and send out to them, or sell to them personally, so what I have been doing is ordering them in, taking orders from people and then shipping them out and selling them. Mostly everyone has been really good about getting me paid and its been a good way of doing business, so I decided to  see if I could expand upon on that by contacting local businesses to see if they would be interested in carrying my book. I had hoped for maybe a consignment thing with a coffee shop, but after a brief meeting, I left with an order for 10 copies of each of my books and they are going to pay me for them in advance, as in BEFORE they sell them! They want ME to "Commit" to a book signing and they will promote me, and I will be be linking my website to them as an early,"Supporter". As I was on my way home, I stopped off at another store and talked to the owner and they wanted to order 13 sets of my books! It may not seem like a huge deal to the big dog authors out there, but considering I was on foot and I had just sold myself completely out of all of my stock and then some, its a pretty damn huge deal! I have no idea how I am going to manage to buy in the stock I need to meet all the orders, but I am hoping that between working some extra hours at my day job and cutting back in a few other ways, I may just be able to swing it.
My son is forcing me to try a Kickstarter campaign, and we have bickered back and forth about it pretty fiercely. I hate asking folks for any money when I know times are hard and people are strapped to pay for food, but he pointed out that the two I had donated to both belonged to people who were not missing meals like I had, they were simply funding artistic projects, and I will go without to fund my attempt to provide a brighter future for my family by getting my books out to people. We set up the beginning of it last night and he is going to film some kind of video for it in the next day or two that explains what we are looking for. I made him limit the time and amount to the bare minimum and if it works, it means we will be able to hit the ground running with enough stock and publicity materials to really get things going.
The website is mostly up and running and as I can corral him to work on it, he is adding in the pages I want. We got the "Inspirations" page up yesterday and Spencer Bell was the first he put up with a link back to the SBL website after the wonderful Bill Bell granted us permission. Today we added in the 100 Monkeys and its sad that there is nothing to link to anymore, but I wrote a little piece about what they were and are to people.
The next page to go up will be the,"Sponsors and Affiliates" page and it is there that I will put the logos and links to those who have supported and helped and who have inspired me and helped other Indie artists along the way. I hope to build a networking place where the links can lead people to connect with the services they need to help get themselves the things they need, like maybe logos or maybe screenwriting or editing or promotions that way we can guide each other along and support each other.
My son is a already working on the music for  book trailer for my "Paying the Piper", he didn't even ask me what music I had listened to when I wrote it, he knows, but he doesn't care. He will write me a new song, he will play it, record it and we will have our own. I have friends shooting the pictures, and we will use them, credit them and it is slowly going from a singular effort that I did quietly and almost ashamedly, to an effort that is a team united by a common goal of paying things forward and seeing all succeed.
I spent several hours this last couple weeks talking to people about following their dreams and writing as well as publishing, and I told them my crazy story about following a band of monkeys to the sunshine. They may have initially looked at me like I was crazy, but I got hugged twice and one little old lady got tears in her eyes, so I guess its a story that makes a point that every has to find their reason and once they do, they are going to want to make sure they pull others along as well.
I cant bring the band that started it all though God knows I would give just about any vital body part to be able to do that, but I can ensure that the legacy continues in my little way. If you are an Indie Artist and want to work with me and network, shoot me a line and lets start connecting things and people brought together by the 100th Monkey effect to ensure that it never stops. JenniferDScroggins.com hit the guestbook and say "Hello!"