Dear Roger: Nerdy As Hell, Loyal To The Bone or Stuck In A Rut?

My job requires me to judge people. I talk to them, take their applications for a home, listen to their stories if their history is less than stellar and I make a decision if I want to let them be my neighbor. I have laws I have to obey, and once I follow those laws, then I am allowed to rely on my gut instinct to make my decisions and some of the people I have chosen to be my neighbors were not people most would expect. I've chosen a woman who came from very similar circumstances as my own, and she had been rejected time and time again and she was at the end of her rope when she walked through my door. I could have rejected her as well, but my gut told me to give her a chance, because I looked at her and saw myself nearly 3 years ago. She is a great resident almost 6 months later. There are plenty of other cases where I have gone with my gut and rented to people, or advocated for them, and they have proven me right time and time again in spite of where they came from or what they looked like. I am a person who puts great stock in the impression I get from meeting a person, talking to them, looking them in the eyes, seeing how they behave around children and others. There are people who have walked in and screened fine but I did not want to rent to them because my gut told me they were going to be trouble, and to the person they have been. If the laws allowed me more power to depend on my gut, I would have a lot less drama and hassle in my life. I interviewed, then gave a tour to and ultimately rented an apartment to, a stripper the other day. My gut tells me she is going to be a great neighbor and when she was embarrassed about telling me her job, I was quick to tell her there was no shame in working for a living.

When I have met a person, shook their hand, spoken to them, observed them up close and watched the body language and micro-gestures they use in their communication with the people around them, seen the subtle cues that give me indications of their personality quirks, whether or not they use drugs or have health issues, or even obsessive tics, I get a feel for that person that remains with me and I decide right then and there where that person ranks in my realm of importance or if they are even worthy of me remembering their name for more than a day or two. I do not change that opinion lightly and once I decide that person is worthy of consideration, they are included in my little pack of those I tend to stay loyal to and hold up for consideration. 

Im loyal to a few things. I've worn the same style of clothing for most of my life, I used Works for my writing until I had to change to a computer last year and could no longer get it. I had a qwerty slide out keyboard phone until a little over a year ago when it unfortunately went swimming in a bad, bad place. I still love the same little band of broken and frayed and largely missing; musicians. I have loved the same damn man for over 15 years to no avail. I don't know so much if I am a creature of habit or just stuck in a rut, but I do tend to be understanding of people for the most part and when one of my friends was angrily,(and rightfully so), complaining, that she felt unappreciated as a fangirl who had put forth a huge amount of effort to garner support for some of our favorite fellas, I found myself being an apologist for them. I don't know what the hell is going on with them either, but I tend to be forgiving. I've had very fucked up things going on in my life from time to time when I just chose to withdraw from the world and not talk to anyone,(no matter what damage it did), and yes, my book sales have suffered for it, but when you just don't have it in you to give, you don't and cant and yes, sometimes even a tweet is a lot. Depression, anger, family heartbreak, all kinds of things just can crash in or sometimes life just changes and you find another path and wander it for awhile. I've been doing that and my latest novel has sat on my desktop for the last 3 months, completed, ready to go and im not ready to send it because I have lost the voice for the time being. I've been writing something else and until it figures itself out, im going to wander. I hope my friend gets over her upset at them, its been a long, crazy trip and our band of miscreants has shrunk far to much by those who obviously never shook those hands and said,"Hello", face to face. 

Dear Roger: Monkey Says, "Boys Are Weird!" and That Makes Me Happy

I'm trying to start planning for Stevie's 9th birthday. No matter what happens, I want it to be better than last years and I want it to erase the sadness and loss she felt when her favorite band broke up right before her birthday last year. She already has plans with our boys to go out to Karaoke for an epic day of singing at the Voicebox, followed by Sushi and then shopping in the Alphabet District and the Pearl. I had considered trying to contact her favorite boys management folk and seeing if I could buy her an autographed picture or something, but I have no idea who to contact anymore. I'm going to buy her the music I can find from what are left of the band boys, and the movies I can track down, and then the big event of the day is that the boys and I will be taking her to finally getting her ears pierced.
She asked them to go with her and hold her hands while she gets it done and she really looks up to them. I may tell her then that we are driving to Madison, Wisconsin in June for the Spencer Bell Legacy concert and that she is actually going to get to go. We had been planning on flying in and just attending the concert and flying back home, but now we will be driving the high Northern route, doing the tourist thing on the way there and coming back the Southern route and doing the same so in order to expose her to the maximum amount of states and cool things.
The boys have brought so much fun and happiness to our lives. The humor and laughter that flows around our home is a daily occurrence and we all seem to be doing better for the experience. We have dinner together every night and Stevie has a tutor for her penmanship and other homework who takes the time to challenge her intellect. My sons have found kindred spirits for their video gaming geekiness and I have found friends who share my love of Zombies and comic books and who enjoy teasing my eldest son about his stick up the butt personality so he is actually starting to relax and joke back. They tease me about my lack of girl skills and then actually help me sort of figure out how not to be so butch. They are male companionship and friendship that we all needed and they are expanding our world in new and exciting ways and I like to think we are doing the same for them.
We are going to Comic Con together this next week, something I would not have normally done with the kids before I met them, and that is a sign of just how far we have come. They brought it up yesterday right after they walked through the door and handed me my belated Valentines present, a stuffie that is a sperm cell. Stevie looked up from where she was saw the stuffie, rolled her eyes and said,"You guys are weird, just WEIRD!" Causing all of us to turn and stare at her asking how in the hell she knew what it was, to which she replied, "Science, DUH!"
Our lives have become a very strange and joyful tangle and among the chaos we have found our routines and rhythms that work quite well for us and my kids are the happiest they have been in years.
Going to SBL has always been a pipedream of ours, something I promised my little girl we would do,"Some day" and I had never in my life thought it would be in such an amazing manner, in fact I had even despaired making it while my health held out or it was even still going on. The planning and saving up for it is on-going and with the hotel room already paid for, the account for travel set up and slowly gaining meager funds, I am feeling lighter and more hopeful that life has finally stopped being about plodding from one mission to the next and has finally become about finding the joy, in fact, they told me that our next goal is to start saving up for the British Isles after SBL, I may actually get to leave the country while still alive?! How freaking amazing is that??!

Dear Roger: Who's The One Monkey Loves? Don't You Dare Ask!

My little girl is at that age where she is developing her sense of self and what people mean to her. She has had her first little girl crush on a celebrity and that started very young when she began looking up to Jackson Rathbone as her hero. I don't think she saw him as someone she saw as a cute/romantic type crush at first. He was someone she looked up to as her big brother/replacement male role model since she really didn't have a male role model when she was a little girl. That all changed this past year as she has started to have some hormones kick in and she has been around older girls who have influenced her to see men differently. It was very shocking to me when she first looked at a picture of him and said,"Whoa...hes CUTE!" I actually didn't like hearing her say that. I much preferred her seeing him as someone she looked at as a bit of a hero, that is until he pretty much just dropped out of sight.
That has been rough on her. She has had men do that to her for her entire life. Her big brother was gone for over a year when he went to Texas to live with family. Her father left in 2007 when she was just barely four  for prison due to domestic violence and child abuse. I haven't brought men around or dated because I didn't want that constant daddy of the week experience for her or my boys and she has not had any grandparents around in her life, so her male role models have been a flighty, erstwhile rockstar/actor, her abusive father, and her older brother who has issues of his own, that is until very recently.
Just over a year ago we had a couple move into our apartment complex that I just had a gut feeling about. I knew they were decent, good people and I was determined to become friends with them. Its been a slow progression, but over the last few months we have become very close and good friends and I count them as cherished and needed parts of our family now.
My daughter adores them, in fact all my kids do. We have family game nights with them, dinner together almost every night, and we do things together on an almost daily basis. If they aren't over, they are missed.
My little girl has a crush on them and its cute to watch her light up when they show up at the door. She used to shyly watch them when they would walk their little dog, always careful to stay out of sight, never actually speaking to them but racing to tell me the moment they appeared,"MOM!! THEY ARE OUT THERE IN THEIR PENGUIN JAMMIES TODAY!!"  each and every time they would show up with the dog in the early hours for its morning constitutional.
When they first started coming over for dinner, she sat at the table and didn't speak, she just side-eyed them and blushed, rushing away to go lurk in her room, creeping into the kitchen to get herself a drink and pretend like she wasn't watching them. When she did finally start talking to them, she lit up like a 1000 watt bulb. She joked and teases them, and even flips their gay humor back at them. Its quite cute to see, and they graciously include her in our outings and involve her in many fun things that she has really wanted to do. When they invited her to karaoke, I thought she was going to burst with joy. She has a little girl crush on at least one of them, and he is very aware of it, and he is very careful not to encourage it nor to totally crush her heart. She knows he is gay, she knows what that means, but it still doesn't mean she doesn't absolutely adore him and his partner with all her little girl heart. What is really amazing and wonderful is that he takes time each and every evening to help her with her homework and he is tutoring her in her spelling and penmanship, in other words, spending important time, teaching her important things, and he is a guy who doesn't yell, who doesn't cuss at her, who doesn't cruelly make fun of her, and who most important of all, treats her like an important human being. He gently teases her, and sometimes she gets annoyed and stomps off in an annoyed little hissy fit, and he lets her, because as he reminded me, she doesn't get her way every time.
She jealously guards her time with them and when her brothers come around and want to hang out with the guys or try to horn in on planned outings, she gets angry, and often says,'HEY! Its girl time!', though Stubby is not easily dissuaded because he is very fond of the guys as well and the battles sometimes get pretty dramatic and require intervention.  The guys are gamers and they enjoy talking video gaming with  my eldest and youngest sons, (something my daughter doesn't much care for), and the nights the gaming talk gets prolonged she gets testy and tends to inflict payback on her brothers later, but for the most part, they manage to share the company without much bloodshed and  inflict only psychological harm via payback via Munchkin and hopefully I can keep her convinced to limit the harm to that arena.
I commented to her the other night that she seems to not being paying attention to Jackson so much anymore. I asked her if she replacing him with the guys? That was apparently the WRONG thing to ask. I upset her. I was informed in no uncertain terms that she is not like that, that she does not see people as replaceable or disposable and that she did not find my question to be funny or fair. She informed me that much like I had told her a year ago when the great band schism occurred that I was to quote a lame movie line,"Switzerland" and refusing to choose sides because I loved everyone and could never pick sides in a fight I knew nothing about, she could not simply stop loving or caring for someone simply because they chose to disappear from her life. "I miss him and Ben and Jerad and all of them soo very, very much and if it would do any good I would be on twitter and Facebook every day begging them to come back, but they don't talk to me anymore, they ignore me. Ben is even gone now and Jerad only does weird quotes I don't understand and Jackson said he was going to tour , but then he hasn't  and Ben said he was going to tour but then he quit talking. I just don't know who to believe or listen to anymore. I know that Joel and Chris are here, they talk to me, they tell me they are going to come over and they do. They tell me we are going to go do karaoke and we go. They tell me my birthday isn't going to suck this year and I believe them. I know I am glad I have friends I can trust to talk to me and to tell me the truth and keep their word, they give me hope." Knowing they give my little girl hope makes me love them all the more and makes them among the best men I know.

Dear Roger: Is 17 The Edge of The End Of Sanity?

What the hell is it about the age 17 and boys that causes all of them to seemingly lose their ever loving minds? My eldest son turned 17 in December and it has been nothing but drama and lunacy ever since. He is brilliant and gifted and can play just about any damn musical instrument he cares to pick up, teaches himself advanced computer programming and even fixes and rebuilds computers for the hell of it, can discuss and argue politics and religion with adults to the point that he is now a moderator on several posting sites because of his alleged maturity, yet, he freaking dropped out of high school.
Hes a good looking, intelligent, and when it comes to others; kind, young man, but he will torture his baby sister to tears for no apparent reason other than he for some reason thinks she is the favorite child and he has to balance the equation by being hateful to her.  He will be snide and mean and damn right cruel to her for days and then out of the blue tell her that her favorite boy is going to be on some tv show and set up the scheduler on tv so she wont miss it.  He curses my dog and makes dire threats towards his very life, but then he will sit and cuddle him for hours when Benny isn't feeling well after getting a shot. I would suspect him of being bi-polar, but hes been tested and talked to and evaluated and other than some issues related to what we all went through back in Arizona, he is perfectly,"Normal".
If that is normal, I am terrified because I have 2 more boys about to enter fully into their teen years and it is not a barrel of laughs, especially for a small, scrawny, single mom. Things have been better with my two friends around because they have become mentors of sorts to the boys and with a couple of male role models around everyone seems to be enjoying things a lot more. They tease my son about his,"Stick up the butt" mentality and make him actually participate in things like game night, and they make him socialize, and they tease him about all kinds of things that he needed teasing about. I know he has blown off time with his girlfriend to hang out with them and to spend game night around, and though I didn't realize it at the time, he really did want to go to Karaoke with us even though he never committed. Hes been kinder to my daughter as well, at least when they are around.
They are why I kind of have hope that my son will hopefully turn into a sort of sane human being once he navigates his teen years. Though I have seen examples of young men who just wallow in one disaster  after another, these guys seem to have their shit together and they are successful and fairly well adjusted and my son looks up to at least one of them, all my kids do.
We have adopted them into our rather odd family and they are here every night for dinner, we spend time together every day and they are going to the Spencer Bell Legacy concert with me in June. Its been great for us, and hopefully good for them. Having friends that I can socialize with and that my kids look up to and enjoy being around is an amazing thing, and if they can help my wayward son figure out his life, then all the better.  I have hopes that the influence of the two seemingly sane and normal men around will have a calming and stabilizing influence on my sons, especially my eldest, but I really don't know. I do know that when they are around his fits of temper and his bullying of all of us are stifled, and he gets called on his bullshit, but there are days I despair him ever turning into any kind of tolerable human being. Tonight is a perfect example, he is ensconced in his room, playing Assassins Creed on a flat screen tv that I pay for, on internet pay for, utilizing a set of sound dampening head phones that cut off all contact with the outside world, and woe be unto him who dares to interrupt him in his battles. He rages and screams at the little kids or even me, slamming things around and slamming doors to the point that the walls shake throwing a fit like a toddler denied a toy just because he was asked to tell me where he put my Iphone cord. There are times I want to just tell him to take the things he actually has bought himself and leave, that would be less than a backpacks full of things, yet he acts like he is the most put upon waif to ever walk the earth. He is not in school, he is not working, and getting him to do even the basic of household chores involves major cajoling. I don't know where I went wrong with him, other than to say I spoiled him like many Texas mothers tend to do their first born sons, and now I am paying the piper for it. I hate to say it but I am just counting down the months to him turning 18 and hoping with age comes wisdom, sanity, or maybe a realization that hes got it a lot better than he realized.

Dear Roger: Monkey is Questioning

Its been a month of constant questions around here. The company I work for is unpredictable and thus the situation with my job is constantly up in the air, and being that this company employs a practice of evicting former employees within 24 hours, my living situation is up in the air as well. I'm working on changing all of that. I've redone my resume and I have been actively seeking other employment, some in the same line of work, some outside of it. My boss knows im looking and why. I never just sit back and rely on anything so I just like to have a fall back plan.
I've been enjoying my life even with all the upheaval. I've gone out with my friends and they are over quite a bit to visit, and we dog sit for them to keep their new puppy from being stuck at home alone all day long. Its not only good for the puppy, its good for Benny, as he has a couple of playmates to keep him occupied during the day. He's a very social little dog and hes made a few friends around the complex both human and dog, with his favorites being a Jack Russell named,"Jay" oddly enough, and a Cockapoo named "Milo". He would get to play with them more but he tends to try to hump everything and steal their toys. I've decided that Ill probably have him neutered this next month to cut down on the random humping of everything and everyone, even though the thought of him being cut on makes my stomach flip over because I do love him so very much.
My daughter has been quite a source of gray hairs this month. She has developed a bit of a crush on my friends and while she understands they are a gay couple, it doesn't change they fact they are quite cute and she is quite smitten. Shes only 8, so its one of those sweet little crushes where she writes their names with little hearts and butterflies around them and rainbows all around, she does everything she can to stall and stay up late so she can hang out with them and visit and she just so happens to leave her homework out so her favorite can check it over and just so happen to find a mistake she will need to correct with his help! Considering she has always gotten perfect scores on her homework previously, I suspect she has developed this as a tactic to just spend time around him. They kindly indulge her and she will be accompanying us to the opening of the gallery exhibit of Kelly Rathbones show here in Portland, and that has her over the moon excited! I think she has gone through her entire closet 100 times trying to decide what she is going to wear, she has nagged me about getting her hair done and she even wants me to go shopping and buy myself some,"Decent, fancy clothes" because she wants me to look less,"Embarrassing" , so I guess I will be buying some new clothes for the first time in a while.
She has been asking me a LOT of questions lately, questions like,"If I grow up to be..." questions and for the most part they have been okay, but after the boys left the other night she was sitting on the couch next to me and she looked at me and said,"If I grow up to be a lesbian, will you still love me?"
I didn't even pause, I reached over and grabbed her into a hug, and said back to her,"I will love you no matter who you love, as long as you are happy it makes me happy and that's fine with me." I asked her why she felt she had to ask that when she knew my closest friends were a couple of gay men and I am very actively involved in gay rights, and she said,"Well, some people freak out when its their own kid, iv'e seen that on tv, and I worried, what if Cole or Chance is gay?" I looked at her and said,"Aren't you worried about Conner too?" She scrunched up her face and said," Eww, NO! Hes always talking about girls and stuff, so its pretty clear hes not into boys, but Chance is soo prissy at times and Cole is just weird and he doesn't talk about girls at all yet, so I wondered?" Again I said to her, "Love is love is love and as long as its between two consenting adults, its none of my business and I support peoples rights to be happy and love who they want to love. If you are fortunate enough to find someone to love who loves you equally as much, I will support you and love them too and that goes for everyone."
She has asked me a lot of questions lately that haven't been as easy to answer and they have even provoked some arguments with her brother, mostly about schooling and career choices,(things I am much less liberal about), and since her brother just dropped out of high school to attend a training program for computer programming, I am already stressed out about the rest of my kids and the example set.
She has asked me,"Would you love me if I didn't go to college?" The answer was of course, Yes, but then it was followed up with questions of why wouldn't she go to college? (Art school which I explained is actually college), or going into acting which Ill admit I did go a little ballistic over. I don't want her getting into that mess. Its fun and cute for her to do her little entertaining videos while she is a child, but, its a sure path to destruction. I've just seen too much ugliness and destruction and pain come of it and I don't want her to see it as a viable choice. I surround her with people who do not drink or smoke or do drugs and we live healthy and responsible lifestyles and I hope by showing her that, she will find a path that will lead her to law school or medicine or even the sciences, but she argued with me pretty hard saying that she knows drinking and all that other stuff is bad and shes smart enough to avoid it but that she wants to do something,"Fun" for her career, she then followed up with the question, "What if I grew up to be a stripper, would you hate me then?" My eldest son about choked to death on his tea as I froze  and just looked at her, my beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed, dimpled and angry at me for the moment , brilliant yet angry little girl and I said to her,"No, I would not hate you, that is because I would have failed you . I would hate ME. I would have gone so wrong as a mother and a role model that I hadn't given you any other tools to make it in this world, so I would hate ME for failing you, and it would probably break my heart enough to kill me."
She immediately lost the angry cast to her expression and ran over and hugged me. Yes, dirty pool going with the guilt, but any port in a storm will do.
Shes asked other questions, like "Who is the boy and who is the girl?" in regards to my friends,(thank GOD not to them when they where here), and I told her that it wasn't polite to ask and it was none of our business. "If so and so is gay and if they are, why don't they just say it?"  That one I told her is also none of her business and then we talked about bullying and how the world at large can be cruel and careers can be affected by such things though the world is changing and getting better and hopefully someday it wont even be an issue that people notice or discuss. She has asked about things like child support and poverty and why some fathers don't support their kids when others move heaven and hell to do the right thing,(my bosses husband is a great example of a man who works himself almost to death to support his kids), how insurance works, why people get piercings, gauges, tattoos and implants. When she can get a tattoo, a piercing,(she finds gauges to be gross), or when she will need a bra.
Im kept on my toes trying to keep up with her, and I want to make sure she gets the right information, but there are days when I am left wondering if having a gifted kid is a blessing or a curse?

Dear Roger: Thats Soo Gay!

My life has become fun. Yes, my job is often frustrating and lacking in intellectual challenges and I often loathe dealing the the corporate denizens,but I adore my direct boss and the day to day duties of my job are not too taxing so I am able to perform them without sending myself into paroxysms  of stress and anxiety to the point that I shut myself off from the world too often, (unless corporate involves itself in our doings), so I guess I may be able to keep on keeping on at it for awhile.
I'm not going to get rich at it,(again, corporate will make sure of that), and it often keeps me from getting any writing done, but it makes me get out and at least try to interact with real human beings, and that is a good thing.
I have friends now. I have a few very good friends that I interact with on almost a daily basis in real life. I have friends that come over and hang out with me and talk to me and we laugh and have dinner together and we go out and do things together. I love their company. My kids really like them. I trust them and consider them my erstwhile family. I would defend them and I look forward to seeing them for our weekly dinners. I feel free to be myself with them and completely comfortable around them, as do my kids. We joke and laugh and text back and forth and even talk of attending the Spencer Bell Legacy Concert in Madison Wisconsin in June together.
It shocked me that I invited them to come and to share a suite with me and my other friend, and I meant it. To have finally gained male companions I feel that comfortable with at this point? I feel both at peace and elated. My friends are gay men, and in many ways that doesn't surprise me. I have always been more comfortable around men and gay men in particular. There is no weird sexual tension,(though I find them completely adorable), we joke about sex and cute guys and all sorts of things along those lines, but its not like trying to be friends with a straight man where you worry about that if you have sex you will screw up the friendship.
One of them is just whip smart and a grammar fanatic, he keeps me on my toes with my texts and we joke back and forth constantly about my faux pauxs in my typing and such and I enjoy it, I think in many ways he reminds me of you and that is what I enjoy about him so damn much. We are going to an art exhibit opening the beginning of the month together and I think that I am looking forward to that more that I would be looking forward to an actual date! We have gone to a burlesque show, out to dinner, and have plans for other outings. I babysit their dogs when they are at work, and its often crazy around my house during the day because of it, but its been a wonderful kind of crazy for me.
I'm not 100% by a long shot, I still have my bad days where I just have to lurk in my house and debate my place in the world and why I am still here, but its gotten brighter and funnier and I am making progress and friends, so maybe there is hope that someday I will at least reach halfway.

My dog Benny is  finally helping to heal the pain of losing Fergus, I can look at his pictures now without sobbing like my heart is broken all over again. Benny sleeps against my chest every night and is a terrible snorer and blanket hog and I often wake up with him sprawled across my throat which is a bit alarming, but he greets me with love and enthusiasm every morning, and every afternoon when I return from work, and he is currently ensconced in my lap as if its his personal throne. My only complaint with him is that I an not allowed any alone time! If I even attempt to shut him out of the bathroom, he sits at the door and barks non-stop or scratches at it until daughter gets annoyed and lets him in. I do not appreciate his company in the shower, but the alternative is annoying to the rest of the family. I guess I will learn to deal.

Dear Roger:You Are Who You Are

Since I first showed an interest in entering the realm of public service my psyche and personality has been analyzed and picked apart by every type of test and screening tool that shrinks and hacks could throw out there for the government to spend our tax dollars on. I've taken the MMPI, the Meyers Briggs, I've had to suffer through my,"Colors" being analyzed while people tried to decide if I was a team player enough for Americorp,(I got into Americorp and served but am most decidedly NOT a team player), I am very much a control freak who did quite well teaching Smoking Cessation classes to undeserved communities, because I was running the show and helping people.
The one test that I have taken over and over again since my very first class that was moshed up blend of Sociology/Psychology and English and Ethics was a personality type indicator test that assigns letters to you and its haunted me my whole damn life because though I have taken it over and over again at different points in my life, after different things have hit me, molded me, changed me and you would think made me a vastly different person, I always get the same damn response...those same damn letters that mark me as someone who no matter how I rail against it and want to be a colder and harder person who doesn't give a damn, just cannot.
ISFJ-Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging,  my son read the description of the type and he looked up at me and said,"Whoa...its like they just wrote a perfect description of you, except you aren't an introvert, you like a few people you just like them on your terms and on a very limited basis."
Loyal to a fault, those who have followed along with my life for the past couple of years know this is true about me. I am one of the dogged few still supporting the same things and people I have supported all along, quietly but with the same devotion and passion. Doing what I can when I can and just keeping on keeping on.
I work a job I am vastly over-qualified for, not because I have to, but because of the simple reason I adore my boss. She is the mom figure I needed. She has been my mentor, my friend and the best PTSD and grief counselor I have ever had. She calls me on my bull shit, has made me try to live in the world again, and she has helped me to find a focus. When she leaves, I will leave too unless she asks me to stay as a favor to her. Other jobs I have held have been the same way, I held them because I liked the people I worked with. If I don't like the person or company I work for, then I wont do it. I cant be bought and I've always managed to find places to be where people are somewhat enjoyable to be around. I loved my tenure at the Sheriffs department and I worked for free for a long time. There were people there I would have stepped in front of a bullet for. People like that are few and far between in my life, I've met one in the past 3 years outside of my kids that I felt I would protect like that, its a weird feeling, that call to duty and I don't know what In my genetic code cursed me with it, but It seems to run in my family.
My grandpa im pretty sure was cut the same and I'm getting the same feeling off my daughter. Shes oddly devoted, very focused and caring, and shes a hard worker that doesn't mind giving up the glory to make others feel good and she will fight tooth and nail to protect her loved ones. She approached her principal on her own today about having an assembly so she could give a speech about how bullying could really harm someone and how words are hurtful to people you might not even suspect can be hurt by them. I was shocked that she did that, but she is adamant she wants to do it, she feels called to stop people from suffering. Oh, my poor baby! She is starting down a hard road and I don't know what to do for her other than support her. I can remember being her age and standing in front of a classroom full of kids giving a tear soaked speech about how cruel and evil it was for the boys to have stomped and killed a nest full of Kildeer chicks out on the 2nd grade play ground at recess. I remember the giggles of the boys in the class and the look from the teacher, who allowed me to speak, but then sent me to the nurse to lay down because I was so overwrought. My daughter I could see wanting to kick the asses of those boys...shes the slightly tougher and meaner version of me, but then again she has 3 older brothers.
She has been bullied for her quirkiness, and its had an impact on her. Jackson no longer goes with her to school and she may still dress every bit as funky as she ever did, but she does not wear dresses to school anymore. She isnt as outgoing as she once was and that saddens me, because I do not want to see her become like me. I want her to be an extrovert and less of a giver, more of a taker in the world. Maybe that is wrong but as I sit here tonight, still fuming with anger somewhat over a snide comment that my ex made that I,"Overspend each month." Yeah...overspend the money I earn and use to support my kids on my own. I wish I had been more inclined to take and less inclined to forgive and put up with bullshit. I want her to be the type of woman that will take power and set the world on its ear, make it take notice and hear her roar, even if I am still sitting in the shadows quietly cheering her on.