Dear Roger, Its Hard to Sit and Watch Cage Fighting,I would Really Rather Be Doing It

Dear Roger, Well, one thing I can say about today, at least the damn wind didnt blow too hard, but it kinda rain/sleet/snowed last night, so it was a a sunny/cold typical Flagstaff spring day. I cannot believe how much I miss the color green and the smell of grass and moisture in the air. This place is as dry as the Saharah, and though I lived in Yuma for over 5 years, it never seemed as dry or as desolate as Flagstaff does, and I really cannot figure out why it seems this way to me. I am surrounded by mountains and trees, and at 7500 feet in elevation with the San Fransisco Peaks in my fron yard, you would think that I would be happy, but after growing up in the subtropical swampland of East Texas, I miss moisture. I was hoping to spend some time in California this summer, just laying on a beach somewhere, letting the ocean lap at my feet and listening to the sound of the waves, watching the good looking guys wander by just out of my middle-aged reach, but I have a feeling that my financial and family obligations are going to make that impossible,as usual. I have not had a real vacation or break in over 12 years, so why should anything change now? I have come to the conclusion that I NEED some kind of physical outlet though. I dont get enough exercise, and I miss sports and watching things like Ultimate Fighting and things like that get me tensed up to the point that I want to tackle some poor fool to the ground and just wrestle them for the hell of it, but that is frowned upon in polite society, so I am just a walking bundle of TENSE about 90% of the time. One of the gals at the store I stop at all the time, took pity on me this morning and gave me a ciggarette because I have just been walking about feeling like I am ready to jump out of my own skin with some kind of need. I didnt smoke it, I mean HELL, I havent smoked in soo long, but it was comforting to have it in my hand and to be able to go through the motions and to have it with me,and I dont know if I will end up smoking it, but I need the distraction or something in my hand or something to chew on, and that seems to fulfill the need , my frenetic burst of writing and reading that I have been engaged in has really helped as well, and I have written more in the last few weeks than I have written in the last 10 years. If I can flesh out my ideas a little better, I actually have 5 really good, original ideas that I intend to pitch to Hyperion/Disney and several potential fan fictions that I am going to throw out in the next few weeks. I have been reading like its going out of style and I currently have no less than 6 books going right now, and sometimes its hard to keep the characters straight, but its also more interesting that way. I have also been considering returning to my roots as a English/Literature major and just slamming the door on my past in Criminal Justice/Law Enforcement and burning that part of past, kinda like I did all my art and photography all those years ago, it made it so much easier to walk away from Texas and home, maybe it would make it easier for me to walk away from Arizona and find where I want to be in the green and in the trees at a good college where I could get a Masters and then a Phd. in some obscure literature study that only I could love, and I could teach writing to people who are capable of understanding and appreciating the things that I love as well. Im working on my French again, and occasionally I wander through my Latin just for the hell of it, and I love the sound of Italian, and I long to hear them spoken by native speakers, so I am going to finally get my passport and perhaps look towards a semester abroad as well. I long to travel and see what is out there and there are times I have thought about just letting the ex take the house and the kids for a few months so the can get the feel of what a pressure cooker it was for me to live in for the last 2 years on my own with all the responsibility and the stress and the hassels, so that maybe he wont find it quite so funny when he seens that I am a frenetic,strssed out, rambling, wound up, mess that hasnt slept more than 4 hours in 3 days, at more than one meal in 3 days and is scribbling odd notes that seem to make no sense on random bits of paper and drywall. I need to get some time where I can just focus and write, and I need my little writers hidey-hole, a special kinda cafe or writing place that is imbued with the kinda vibe I need to be able to write all the sutff that is rolling about in my brain, and that is not going to be found here.