Dear Roger; Your Birthday Is Coming Up Dec 21st,If I Throw A Party Will You Come?

Well Rog, I do have a really good excuse for not writing sooner, I have been writing other things for the first time in a long damn time. I have written 3 songs and my novel has finally shown some damn progress for the first time in a long time. I have been doing my best to keep myself up and motivated, but this time of year just sucks the damn life out of me. I try not to be to morose for the kids, but if it was up to me, I wouldn't get a tree or anything. I am such a god damned selfish person in my heart, but my kids force me to be a decent human being for their sakes. So in the next week or two, I will scramble about and find some lil miserable Charlie Brown looking tree and we will make our own decorations, though I am going to ask the ex to send me up my raggedy assed patch work angel that Chance and I have had for close to 15 years, that is unless he has tossed it, and we will decorate it up like polite society expects me to, so Stevie will be happy. I am going to do the best to make sure they have some good things to enjoy under the tree, but fucking hell, as usual money is tight. I will get what I normally get...nada, and I am okay with that. If I get some time to write or read or listen to my music without that crap son calls music overriding it, I will be tickled pink, but mainly I will be happy to see all this mess behind me again until next year.

It dawned on me the other day that what would have been your 65th birthday is coming up on Dec 21st! Holy Hell, Rog. I can imagine what you would be like at 65, still that presence that gets the attention of everybody in the room we would walk into, still as dynamic and charming as ever. Probably traveling all over the place and making fantastic art. You would have been such a fantastic role model for Chance, he really needs you. I know you would be proud of the two daughters you raised, even though they weren't yours by blood, they honor your name and memory, as do I. So many times people ask me that stupid assed question, "If you could have one more day with any person in your life, who would it be?" Its always you. I never got to tell you that you were my lifeline through the tough times. I would trade decades of my life for more time with you, for the opportunity to have had you guide my son and be involved in my kids lives. My son reminds me of you at times. He has that presence thing going on, people notice him and he has that moody artistic temperament that we were accused of having. He thinks he cant draw, but he is one of those annoyingly talented kids that excels at sports, and in fact he has been scouted and recruited by a high tone prep school that wants him to play for them. He can pick up damn near any musical instrument just by piddling around with it for a while, and he was a really good bag pipe player and violinist until he got bored with them and quit. He sings at the drop of the hat, and dances all over the damn place. I love that he is exuberant and feels free to express himself. His fashion sense gives me fits, and I have a bit of a hard time letting go of that sometimes,(a problem I know you would be sure to help me with, much like you did mom) but his isn't wanting mohawks and Doc Martens with chains like I did, he wants to dress in a way that sends off the wrong impression. I wish you were here to smack me upside the head and tell me to get over it. Im alone. I hate that because this solo parenting of a teen boy shit is complicated. When you were around I didn't feel like I was alone, even if you were across the world, you would always seem to know when I needed a call to save me from my own personal brand of misery.

I spend a lot of time walking around up here listening to music and thinking about things. My counselor back in Flag would have approved of the fact that I am actually going outside and sort of interacting with the world now. I do talk to people on occasion in real life, but actual human contact is still pretty limited. Did you know I have not had a non-family hug in so long that I am actually kinda a little afraid of how I would react. Physical contact with a man has been even more scarce though I long for it with the burning want of 10million white hot suns, its gotten so bad that I even flirt with my young, gay neighbor pretty shamelessly just to see him blush and half in the hopes I might turn him.

I think we will celebrate your birthday this year by going out for Japanese food. I will introduce Chance to sushi and saki and I will tell him stories about the time you got that pinto up to 85 on Old Spanish Trail with me giggling like a fiend in the passenger seat and swearing I wouldnt tell grandma. I hope you will join us. I miss you soo damn much.