Dear Roger:Relationship Advice? Are You Kidding Me?

My eldest son and his girlfriend of over a year broke up yesterday. The resultant drama had the whole house in disarray and of course he was upset and sad. He says it was a mutual thing, but who the hell knows? He asked me why people seem to make no damn sense some times and I just had to grin at him. He realized that I was 5 days post date from my last date with no phone calls or texts or even a Facebook poke, so I was once again...thhhhpppt! 'Aww, mom! Its like you always say, F'em and feed em fish heads." Exactly, he seemed to get it at that point. People kinda suck and once you realize that, life is a lot easier. You dont expect anything different from anyone, and that way you aren't disappointed when they turn out to be an asshat. I finally got him laughing by telling him tales of my dating experiences, and all the losers I had gone out with when I was younger and my theories on why I dont have any success now. I didn't mention my tumblr full of images of men tied up and vaguely dominatrix themed art or the gay erotica I write, but he told me that I just intimidate the hell out of men. "You gotta quit looking like you want to eat them or kick their asses mom! You need to get your teeth fixed,(another bad wisdom tooth has struck), and you need to try and be girly." I have tried. I dressed nice, I tried to tone it down a bit, but I am me. I am the queen of socially awkward and weird and as my favorite button says, I am, "Deeply and creatively weird" and pretty proud of it. I dont know what to do about it. I guess just saying,"Fuck it! Drive on." is the way to be, If I am destined to ever meet a man brave enough to take a tumble with me, then it will happen, but if not, well then I will be the crazy cat lady with Duracell as company.

Son seems to be coping pretty well. He has girls hitting on him all the time and he could have gone to Homecoming with a ballerina from his school, so I guess he will land on his feet. his mohawk got him in trouble with his girly entourage. They were not happy that he had cut his hair and apparently I nearly got ugly phone calls about it from some teeny fans of my son. The boy is 15, but has already got fans and an entourage due to his guitar playing and his singing. This is not good. I guess I should count my lucky stars that I gave him the talk about protection so soon? If hes going to be a rockstar, then he will need it.

The ex is staying in Ventura. I cant say I am disappointed, in fact I am thrilled to death. He had promised to send money to help with the boys Halloween, but we all know what the end result of that was. I dont count on anyone, especially a man, so I am putting together their costumes as best I can on my own.

I've been on a writing jag on my story,"Long Distance" that I had put on hiatus over 6 months ago! I am thrilled that the characters started talking to me again, but the writing jag comes at a really inconvenient time, I am busy at work and its hard to take time to jot down noted and ideas when you are cleaning Labrador out of some scrotes fridge.

Dear Roger: Conventional Wisdom for the Unconventional?

My son tells me I am not like other moms. I dont know if that is a good or a bad thing. I tend to be strict about manners and curfew and discipline, but I also support my kids in their pursuits to be themselves. I let them know from an early age that I loved them no matter who they loved, and that we are a live and let love family. We may tease eldest son about his alleged boy crush on Jackson Rathbone, but if that was the real case, we would support him. My kids dont make the,"Eww thats gross!' face one of my friends makes when she sees a gay couple. They just treat them as any other couple. We had to clean up a lot of hate speech out of Stubby and Sticky when they first got up here, but once it was made clear that we dont allow that kind of talk because it hurts feelings, they stopped. Sticky knows words can do damage, he has heard the word.'Retard" so often that he sometimes throws it back at people when they do something he doesn't like. Nothing brings a stop to all activity in a room like a kid with Downs Syndrome asking someone,'What the hell is wrong with you, are you retarded?" He has developed quite the smartassed attitude since he has been up here and he is getting very independent. I encourage that and though its been hard for me, I have been letting him pick his clothes out and even have a say in whats for dinner.

Letting my kids be themselves is important to me. Communicating with them is even more so. My teen son has been dating the same girl for over a year now, and while they are pretty tightly chaperoned and not alone long enough to ever get up to anything, I know what its like to be a teenager and I worry. We have had a very open dialogue about things since he started maturing and though he would rather crawl under a rock and die than talk to me about it, I have sat him down and had an abbreviated version of the talk with him a couple of times,(once due the a very concerning reaction to a Criminal Minds episode), and once when he started dating. I decided that since we had a little bit of time by ourselves on Friday to go to a store where protection was sold, I would give him a lecture with visual aids.

He got that,"deer in the headlights" look as we approached the condom section, but I stopped him and I said,"We need to have a talk and since no one is around and we have a few minutes, im going to explain a few things to you." I then pointed out the things to use, the things that were crap, the reasons for some things, why some things should be replaced regularly, why some things should be avoided, and just general things boys should know. I gave him the talk that a father or a big brother should have given him, but since he has neither he got it from me. He was dying for a few minutes but then to my shock, he started asking questions! We must have stood there for a good 15 minutes discussing things and he even thanked me for clearing up some wrong information he had gotten from his buddies. I told him that my job as a mom was to make sure he was a healthy and happy young man and if explaining things to him that made both of us uncomfortable was part of it, then so be it, its part of the job.

We spent yesterday doing hair cuts. I let the boys choose what kind of hair cuts they wanted and that meant I spent the afternoon cutting mohawks on my sons. They teased my daughter about getting a mohawk and when she proclaimed that,'Girls dont get mohawks!" my son went hunting for the picture of me with mine. Poor daughter is quite the odd child out when it comes to this family. She is a girly girl and dances, sings, has long, pretty blonde hair, aspires to be an actress, ballerina, artist that marries her favorite young man and then takes him to, "France for 6 months and then Japan", while the rest of us are rough around the edges and barely civilized.

Dating...thhpt. I think I am terrible at it. I am not quite sure what I want. I swear and be damned I dont want a man around, but then when there isnt one around I mope. I find myself hungering for human contact and small doses of it just make me want more, like a junkie that just gets a small taste and then cant afford to pay the dealer for a bigger hit. I think I want romance, but then I dont know how to get it or if I even deserve it at this point in the game. All the time I have spent alone made me a harder person, but it made me a hungrier person in many ways. I throw myself into my work and my family to keep myself distracted, perhaps that is the best way to go about things. Who the hell knows?

Dear Roger:Fashion Tips From A Teen Boy

"You need to go shopping, and not by yourself. You need to take a chick, or me with you to show you how to shop for stuff to make you look decent and not like you want to kick someones ass."

This was what my teen son told me yesterday as he was digging through my closet trying to help me decide what I should wear on my date tonight. He has decided that I am pretty hopeless when it comes to my fashion sense. I have tried to explain to him that my fashion sense is my own, its not my fault that people like Ellen Degeneres copy it and then it gets skewed and labeled for a certain demographic that makes dating all the more difficult. Yes, most of my clothes are black or denim. Yes, there are a lots of snaps and leather and buckles involved in my clothing. Yes, I do own more than a couple of pairs a boots that may or may not need help not smelling like they just came in from a very bad crime scene. Yes, I do not own any heels, stockings, dresses or make up. My son looked through my closet and shook his head,"How in the hell do you have soo many kids?" I think that was a dig? He has been on my case lately about being more ladylike and civilized. I have genuinely tried. My Ms. Congeniality days are mostly behind me, though I did snap a little last night and take him down and out the back door when he kept harassing me while I was cooking dinner. I got him with the element of surprise and before he could launch a defense I had him off balance and out the back door squawking like a plucked chicken that I had,"Cheated".

I think he wants a mom that would be too worried about her nails to teach him Judo stuff? Who the hell knows, hes a teenager and nothing I can do is right, because I am his mom and wrong by default. He tells me to get a boyfriend,(I think that was son speak for get laid), because I have been kinda grumpy and morose lately, and hes even been pointing guys out to me! I don't quite know what to think about that. Hes supportive of me dating, and when I had said I wasn't going to date anymore a while back, he got angry with me and said that my unhappiness would scar the rest of the family! I didn't think I was unhappy? Ive been alone for over 3 years. I am pretty set in my ways and for the most part untrainable. I am awkward and inappropriate and a bit crude and I make no apologies for myself. I like my stinky boots,(not the pooped in ones), I like my jeans that fall off my ass and cause me to moon the street full of cars in front of my house. I like my weird music and my bad dancing. I like my stupid hats and ratty t-shirts. I miss some things about having a man around. I miss kissing and making out and just being touched. I damn sure miss sex, even poorly done its damn sure better with a man than solo. I miss talking to an adult male. The poor guy that took me out the other night about got his ear talked off. I miss the smell of a mans cologne and the feel of a short hair of the back of a mans neck underneath my fingers. Its a trade off sometimes. Not having to worry about shaving my legs or wearing the nice drawers,(or any on laundry days),and t-shirts without holes, doing my hair and all that. Not having to explain myself and my fiasco of a world to some poor sod who has dared to tread within, but then its lonely in here sometimes and I think that maybe, just maybe, I will shave my legs and wear the nice drawers I save for,"Special" occasions, and maybe I will remember I am Southern and that I do know a few things about a few things, including how to be a lady, at least hopefully more than my son knows.

Dear Roger: Touch

Its weird how you take such simple things for granted, things like simple human contact from the opposite sex, and when you get that contact again,even if its something as simple as a hand holding or a touch on the back, it can just leave you all flustered and twitterpated.

My kids have enjoyed making fun of me the past day or so because I got my hand held the other night. It shocked me! After all, it had been pretty damn near 17 years since a man had held my hand and I almost reacted the wrong way, because I didn't know what the hell was going on for a moment. Being touched again and having my hand held in public? I didn't know quite what to think. I can tell you that I was pretty shocked, and I liked it. Thats fairly new territory for me because after all, for the last couple of decades, I have not been involved with the nicest of fellas, with a couple of rare exceptions who didn't stick around for very long.

I came home smiling and in a good mood to find my teen son laying in wait for me on the couch. He flipped on the light and smirked at me,"Do you know what time it is? Give me the keys so I can go let the poor guy out of the trunk,okay? You have always taught me mom, No means NO! So you have to let him go mom." My son is just as big of a smart ass as I am, so I have had to deal with endless teasing about my good mood and my return at a reasonable hour,(old people jokes abound), but hes been surprisingly supportive of me getting out and he has even offered to babysit for me at a reasonable rate.

Things are steadily moving forward. Its amazing how far we have come. Its crazy around here at times but I read some of the stories on the 99% tumblr and I realize how lucky I am. I am lucky that my grandparents imbued me with the fortitude to fight and keep trying no matter how many times I get my feet kicked out from under me. I am lucky that I know that I have to keep trying and keep going for my kids because they deserve better. I am lucky that, even though things don't often work out the way I had hoped for or planned, they work out they way they need to work out. I'm tough because I have to be. I fight because I have to, and if I get to have a little fun along with way, then that's all good, but if I have to keep going on alone, I will do that too.

I have a second date coming up later this week. Im kinda excited about it. Dont really know what to expect, after all, its been a few years since I have done this kinda stuff and its a whole new ball game since my give a damn got busted. Its nice to not NEED a man, but to kinda, sorta, maybe, want one around for company. I have proven to myself I can do pretty damn much everything on my own. I have torn it down and built it back up, so maybe now I can figure out how to behave in polite society again and not be twitchy when a fella reaches for my hand.

Dear Roger: Monkeys in the Bedroom, and Other Things That Are Best Not Contemplated in Polite Company

"What happened mom? What happened?" Stubby asked me that tonight, and I have to say that I was just sitting in my room this morning wondering just that. I woke up, all bleary eyed and exhausted from weird dreams, to find the mug of a rather cute young man within my eye shot, but rather than being pleased, I groaned and rolled over and found myself face to furry face with 3 monkeys that had somehow migrated into my bed during the night. I no longer have a room to myself, (in case you were thinking my life had suddenly gotten really exciting), noo...I actually ended up caving in and getting a washer and dryer, which meant that my daughter had to surrender her private little alcove,(formerly known as the laundry room), and she has now moved into my bedroom. She was supposed to occupy part of the room, but in true Stevie Rae fashion, she moved in and simply took over. My desk is now her, "Art Studio", the closet is now her,"Stuffies salon", and I will be relinquishing my queen sized bed for a full sized bed at the first of the month so that I can get her a regular twin sized bed that will accommodate her monkeys in a comfortable fashion. She commandeered the lower half of my bedside table for her Harry Potter library, and she hung pictures of her favorite boy all over my room. I drew the line at her breaching the walls actually around my bed its self, but he is all front and center, right over my bedside table, so when I woke up, it was monkeys in all shapes and sizes right THERE, I guess its a good thing I have given up ever actually dating in any constructive manner, so I guess my room looking like some tweeny-bait nightmare will be my deep dark secret that only me, my kids and the maintenance men that I have to actually work with,(and who now will be able to tease me mercilessly about it), will ever see.

I do supposedly have a date on Friday with a real, live male, at least as of yesterday afternoon I did. Who knows what the hell he has found via Google that may have caused him to come to his senses in the mean time? I'm not too worried about it. He sounds interesting, maybe fun, but I don't get all wound up about anybody anymore. The last guy to make me weak in the knees and to get my hands shaking was a giant of a boy who thought my tattoo was,'Cool".

Having a washer and dryer actually back in the house makes life soo much simpler for me. My eldest is supposed to be doing the laundry, but getting a teen boy to do laundry properly is like trying to get him to actually put away his clean clothes even when they are folded and stacked neatly on his bed. I would have better luck if I stacked them on his guitar, unless of course it happened to be the time the cat peed on his guitar case.

We may be short a cat if that happens again. My eldest son is not a cat fan most of the time anyway, but for the cat to pee on any of his guitar stuff? If he could have caught the cat, it would not have gone well for the cat. Its never done anything like that before, so I have no idea what would prompt it to do that to of all things his high dollar damn gig bag, but there was no denying it and it couldn't be blamed on Spencer. Im hoping it was just a rare event that was because the cat was annoyed at him or something, and not the start of a behavior that will be a serious problem, there are only soo many places the cat can hide in this apt and the other kids dont need to learn all those creative cuss words like my son used when he found the pee.

Dear Roger:Refereeing Monkey Related Brawls

There are days that I have to wonder how any parents remain semi-sane. I can be sitting peacefully, minding my own business, and then all of the sudden I am surrounded by them. "What are you doing, mom? Why are you so quiet? Are you depressed? What are you reading? Look what I can do! One time, at school, my friend, Alexie, he ate a piece of gum from under the desk. MOM! He hit me! Whats for dinner? Can I have a snack? Can I watch a movie? Can I use your computer? Can you go on Pottermore? Want to make a new video? Theres nothing to drink!" Add into this the various aromas that drift around them and their teen brother, along with the brawls that break out over seemingly nothing, and you have a recipe for rapid growth insanity.

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch, just trying to check my bank account and maybe read the online newspaper since I am not allowed to watch the news on tv anymore since its,'Depressing and stupid" according to my teen, when the foulest aroma I have smelled since I was a forensic investigator drifted across my nose. I quickly pulled my t-shirt up over my nose as my teen son started laughing next to me on the couch. "Mom, I think those breakfast sandwiches you bought for me were a bad idea." I found out how much of a bad idea as he proceeded to foul the apartment the rest of the evening. I swear, candles we lit to dispel the foul aroma, burned brighter he was soo disgusting.

Having one bathroom has led to some serious conflicts of scheduling. My teen tends to hibernate in the bathroom to indulge in his, whatever the hell teens do in there for an hour at a time, and he forgets that he has 3 siblings who are not only devious and shameless, they also have small bladders. I have given up locking the bathroom door when I shower. I just tell them to not flush and to shut the door when they are done and I am thankful for opaque, monkey covered shower curtains. My son, tries to keep them out. Not a smart move because that leads to revenge seeking. The cold glasses of ice water tossed at him while he was in the shower sent a message that they were willing to break in and do bad things, but he retaliated instead of just accepting that they needed to come in and pee and leave. I drew the line when they grabbed his towel and as he chased them into the living room. No one needs to see that. The rule of the house is no naked in the living room. You would think it would be a simple rule to follow, but I have monkeys and its harder than you expect.

Speaking of monkeys, I have to get the boys something they value and love as much as my daughter loves her Jackson. For sanity's sake. My eldest son loves his guitars, so when hes being a jerk, she knows she can go right for that guitar and threaten its life and he will back off. The two younger boys are not emotionally invested in anything so they really don't have anything she can leverage against them and they terrorize her by stealing he Jackson and doing horrible things to him. I have had to rescue that monkey out of more boy pants and dog beds lately than I care to think about and the only thing that put a stop to it was the voice of doom followed by threats of a dire nature. Its for their own good, she gets pretty wound up and protective over that monkey and her Jackson stuff. Its bad enough they trash talk her favorite boy. She punched Stub in the mouth the other day and they both ended up in time out ,(sanity break for mom) for a half hour. Shes tough and very over-protective. Ive told her that boy couldn't give a damn about what some little snot nosed 9 year old says about him, but she just cried and said,"I give a damn!" The drama is just beginning I'm afraid.

Dear Roger; Busy Hands Keep The Heart From Hurting

I'm very busy lately, between seeing to the needs of my four kids, my pup, Spencer and working and writing when I have a spare moment to sit down, I have not had time to dwell on the the pain that October usually brings me. Its not that I have forgotten him, but I think I have finally moved to the point in the grieving process after a couple of decades, where its more acceptance. My sister dealing with the loss of her best friend to suicide made me face the fact that I really don't have the luxury of being able to wallow in my own grief any longer. I need to be able to be strong for her.

I still mourn you, and all my family that I have lost too soon, but I have to keep moving forward and taking time for myself is something I cannot afford to do at this point. I have soo much weighing on me constantly. I am the soul support of myself and my four kids. My ex contributes nothing to us but stress.

He says he is coming to Portland in two weeks when the foreclosure on the house is a,'Done deal". He has been busily selling off everything of value out of it, (mostly my things), and that breaks my heart. He sold my mahogany mansion bed the other day. A bed that was the first piece of brand new furniture that I bought for myself with money I earned after I finished my college degree. I paid $1200 for the frame and I was very proud of it. It had a fancy mattress with a super thick memory foam topper and all kinds of fancy sheets and what not. It was my sinful luxury and he sold it for $130, for everything including some of my sheets. My custom made, oak and maple, hand inlaid side tables that the kids at the local high school made while I was the assistant teacher? Tables that would go for over $250 each? He sold for $20. I had to quit listening to him gloat after a while. He would say that he wasnt gloating, that he was mearly telling me, but he was enjoying the fact he knew he had me in tears. He thinks he won, but he didnt really. He will be homeless in 2 weeks. He has done it to himself. Who in the hell loses a home that has a payment of $572 a month? He doesnt pay child support. He never will and I know that. I have gotten the kids what they need their entire lives, and I expect to continue doing just that. My kids know I am the one who takes care of things. My daughter said that this afternoon before she left for church. "I appreciate all you do mom. I know you are the one who takes care of things for us because Ed wont." She saw me as I came in from work, filthy dirty and bone tired and more than a little bummed that my eldest son had done nothing that I had asked him to do. I had not only worked all day long, I had done 4 loads of laundry, and folded it. All I had asked him to do was finish off the two loads left and put away all the clean stuff. I had done all the dishes, and worked my ass off, he had done nothing...nada except sit on his butt and play his guitar since he got home from school,(well, that and eat),and when I called him on it, he gave me attitude and all I saw was my ex standing there blaming me for not getting all the laundry done and not working more hours. It was hard to bite my tongue and just throw the snark he threw at me, right back at him in an equal amount without taking it to a destructive level,and then I just said,"Fine...I dont know what I expected from a boy. I will just do it myself because God knows I am used to doing all the work and taking care of everything and everybody because there are no men left in the world, its the women who have to carry everything." He stood there a minute and then huffed at me and stomped into the room and put the laundry away. He still didnt get the other loads of laundry done, and I will have to try and fit that in amongst everything else tomorrow, but at least he got the point.

Training the new puppy is going well. He is pretty smart and hes healthy and growing quick. He has already learned to walk on the leash and sit as well as fetch, though actually bringing it back to me is a work in progress. Hes gotten the house breaking thing down and as long as people pay attention to him, he doesnt make any mistakes. The needle sharp puppy teeth are a bit of a drag as he prefers to taste everything and everyone, but a good, solid, nip once or twice has pretty much put a stop to him chewing on me,but the kids are still a bit squeamish about biting a dog.