Dear Roger: Kinks, Perversions and Things That Make You Go Hmmm?

Well this is interesting...a new video with my favorite little musician/actor came out yesterday,(If you wanna see it click on the title to the blog, im too techtarded to link it properly),and being the pervy woman that I am, of course I went on youtube and watched it right away. Yes, I am a member of the musical groups website. Yes, I also pay attention to the fan site. Yes, I am a little pathetic, but damn that boy just has all kinds of devilment behind those eyes and it makes me smile and twitch in all kinds of ways that I thought were impossible after being pretty much numb inside for the last chunk of my life, but anyhow... I went to the video site and I was watching it, and it was actually a promo for a new magazine. It was a kinda behind the scenes of the photo shoot that he did and he was just kinda goofing around while the girls with the magazine set up the shoot, but in one of the scenes, they put some chains and pretended to lead him by a collar and I about fell outta my damn chair! That just did all kinda of wrong things to me and I found it to be the most interesting part of the whole video. What the hell?

I have always been fascinated by the darker side of life, and the edgier side of things. The vanilla lifestyle has never been my cup of tea, and being forced to live it has aged me and made me an unhappy person, but the complications of my life have made any other alternative pretty much impossible, so I have just lived a solitary existence rather than try and indulge in any habits that might fulfill any needs I have had. The one time I shared my desires with my ex,I was called a,"freak" and told that I needed to just get over it, so I guess in a way I did.

Sex has always been a taboo subject around my family and considering where I grew up, thats not surprising. I mean, there was a lot of sex going on, and ,'parking" was a common weekend activity out on the oil leases and back roads of East Texas, but sex education was pretty much,"Dont do it, if you do you are going to hell." and the ever present,"Queers go to hell" ,(hell was the major theme back there) but nobody seemed to really discuss the fact that a whole lot of sex was going on and it took all forms in all kinds of places. My own parents did not talk to me or my sister about sex. I knew absolutely nothing that I didn't learn out of a book and let me tell you, I read some books. But they weren't your typical Judy Blume books that most 12-14 year olds read, hell, I had read those when I was 8-9, nooo...I found and read the Marquise De Sade books like "Justine" and I found them to be fascinating, which was pretty distressing for a kid in the middle of nowhere East Texas. Once I left for college and moved to the Dallas area, my life expanded in ways that I had only imagined, and I had a wonderful few years living with freedom and happiness and a Bohemian sense of recklessness that only should exist in your early 20's. I went to places in parts of Dallas that I never dreamed existed and I met people from all over the world that I took me to elegant parties in mansions and out to dinner in places where the appetizers cost more than most of my meals cost in a week nowadays. I traveled to Houston and attended events that were black tie and I rode in limousines and I lived in elegance and I had a few years of just reckless abandon before the reality of needing to live in the real world caught up with me in spades and I have been stuck in it ever since.

I am at a point in my life where I am stuck. I have responsibilities to my kids because my kids cannot count on my ex for anything, in fact he called me again yesterday to cry and bitch at me because he is" broke, his job sucks, his boss yelled at him, life is hard, he cant afford anything,the boys wont listen, baby sitters are expensive..." he just griped and yelled at me about everything and blamed me for it all. I have a feeling that before too much longer I will end up having to go back to Arizona to get my two sons. I am not sad about this, I had actually been expecting my ex to fail and once he does, it will just make it easier for me to get full custody of my kids and be free of him forever, because I am leaving his ass in Arizona, even if he is living on the streets. I made it on my own with my kids while he was gone, I supported them, and I maintained the home and the family because I knew it had to be done. He is weak, he lacks the ability to endure and overcome and that has always been his failing. He thought he was strong because he was mean and sarcastic and tried to dominate through brutality, but he is not strong and by lying to himself and others, he has really done himself no favors. Being up here with all 4 kids will be difficult, and it will surely mean that I will be alone, but that is just my lot in life at this juncture and I have accepted it, but it doesn't mean that I dont dream and feel and wish that my life had been different and that I could enjoy some of the things that I see.

Ive been doing some sketching and a little bit of photography and more writing lately. My muse is still on the lamb, so mostly its just rambling bits of ideas for stories,(some of them a little perverse), and I may just expand on some of them for the hell of it, because I have found out through some friends of mine that believe it or not,sex sells! hmmm, who woulda thunk it? I am still doing most of my writing on paper, and that is both a blessing and a curse. Its a blessing because I dont have to worry about losing it on my computers hard drive, but then its a curse because I have to keep it hidden from my son because God knows I dont want him reading any of the stuff I write! He already suspects I read some really strange stuff, and I had to enable some really strong security settings on my laptop to keep him from reading anything I might have up,(my screensaver starts after 5 minutes of inactivity and that sends him shooting from the room screeching,'Akkk my eyes, my eyes!!" every time)even though in every picture the young men have their clothes on...(mostly),it never seems to cease horrifying him that I have what I see as a healthy interest in men, be they young, middle-aged, or even a little older than me. He is at that age where moms are not supposed to think about sex, or are supposed to have never had sex,and are not supposed to know anything about sex, and I guess my fairly liberal attitude about it and willingness to discuss safe sex with him in an attempt to keep him from making mistakes that could either ruin his life or kill him, is emotionally scarring him or maybe putting him off it for a while,(one could only hope) though with all the testosterone flowing around him on any given day it is hard to know.

Its going to be a long, dull, weekend around here. I am feeling a little crappy and I am just going to work on some projects that I need to complete for my school program no matter which way I decide to go with it, and I am going to register with a job hunting website to see if I can get any movement off of that resource. I am also going to develop a new physical training program for myself. I have gotten a little lazy since I have been up here, and I havent been working out like I used to and I think that is part of my whole funk. I used to be able to do well over 100 push ups and my endurance and weight lifting capabilities were well beyond what people expected for someone of my size, and I miss being in that kind of shape, so I think I need to get back into it and find my drive once again. Running is difficult with my knee problems, but sometimes pushing through the pain is what inspires me on to bigger and better things, and maybe that is where I will track down my muse again.

Sub Plans

Dear Roger;Rest Stop On the Road Trip Of Life

So this has been a bit of a lazy-assed, do nothing, kinda week. I have sat on my butt around the house and just kinda mulled things over and debated the next thing to do. I have done some writing, I have scheduled doctors appointments, I have made other appointments and I did clean house and we get out and got all the laundry done, but as for actually getting out and going wandering around and just site seeing...nope. I am fighting it, I really am, but the desire to become reclusive up here is really kinda starting to win. Not having two dimes to rub together is a big part of it, and I seem to be stuck in kind of a catch 22 situation where I cannot get out and find a job because I dont have a copy of my resume, and I dont have a copy of my resume because I dont have the money to print it off, and a couple of the jobs I have put in for, are out of reach of the public transport, so I am screwed even if I were to get those. Its a bit frustrating, especially when my wonderful ex-husband calls to bitch at me about something or another and to tell me that he has just been given a truck by a friend of his, so he now has 2 vehicles. I asked him about shipping some of my things up here, first and foremost a guitar and maybe my wok or some of my cooking stuff, and he yelled at me...thats right, he. yelled. at. me. No bit surprise there,that was his standard form of communication, but considering I had just helped him find a sitter, and get a new fridge, he could have at least been apologetic and said,"I really cant right now, perhaps in a week or two.", but no, he fucking yelled at me. There are days that I wish Sus had not made that phone call, and while my life would be either over or vastly different, I would have at least gotten the satisfaction of never getting yelled at by him again.

I dont tolerate yelling, it makes me go from mellow and calm to seeing red, in the blink of an eye and I react very strongly. I have even had to shut off movies or leave rooms when someone was yelling at another person. Its not to say that I dont raise my voice,I do, but its very rare, and what I tend to do is speak forcefully and in a way that lets the person know that I am not fucking around, or as Chance calls it,"Going into cop mode" and I used to do it when I would first walk into a High School classroom. I got that out of the way the first few minutes, let them see that I was a little bit dominant, maybe a little crazy, and that I wasn't scared, and then I would break the ice and get down to teaching. The one time I did break out the full-on, in someones face, yelling, drill Sergent, im going to end you right now, kinda presence at school was when some vato wanna be gang banger tried to front me and he made a gesture like he was pointing a gun at me, but what he did not expect was that I would get all up in his face and toe to toe with him, ready to throw down over it. The teacher in me left the building and the cop arrived code 3. I speak passable Spanish, understand waay more than I let on, and he found out that I can enunciate very clearly at a yell., but I dont like yelling. I prefer the up close and deadly sounding whisper, but in a welding shop that would have been hard to hear.

My son thinks I am an easy read when it comes to body language, and he really couldn't be more wrong. I have trained myself over the years to broadcast the opposite of what I am feeling. This brought up an interesting conversation with him the other day over,"tells" and having a ,'poker face". I took his computer away from him because he was spending way to much time in his room listening to emo music, being an all around grump and because his attitude had gone to that of an entitled shit. We both have our problems, and we have been trying to work through some of them, and with his hormones added to the mix, the computer was the distraction he didnt need to shut me out of any conversation, so I took it, changed the administrator password and told him he was restricted to using it only at the kitchen table when I said, and only for the amount of time I said. So now, I have to log him on and off each time, which he hates, and we hang out together while he is on,which he also hates. He jokingly said that he was going to hack the password, and I told him that he would never figure it out so that he might as well not even waste his time trying , which of course is exactly what he spent his first allotment of time trying to do. He thinks that when I smile or laugh, that I am lying, and what he didnt realize it that it actually was cracking me up to hear how his brain was working as he was trying to puzzle out what I would use as a password!

When I was in law enforcement, I worked in narcotics for awhile. I did undercover, narcotics investigations and I deceived people. I led people to believe that I wanted to buy drugs from them. I led people to believe I was something I was not, and I was good at it. In my classes I studied criminals and psychopaths for the last 15 years and I examined the reasoning and methodology behind their behaviors. I studied microgestures and expressions and I learned how to read people, and I got really damn good at it after the last mistake I made with my ex, and perhaps that is why I am soo cautious about approaching or getting involved with another man, but reading people is something that I work on and I practice on a daily basis, as well as carefully presenting what I want read off of me. When I am out with my kids, I present a,"Do not fuck with me" presence in places that I feel that there might be a risk, because I am protective of my kids, and when I do relax and let the more open and friendly me come out, its still really hard to not watch the reactions of the people around me for rejection and then take that to heart.Its a vicious cycle.

My son kept up his guessing game for quite awhile and got pretty frustrated with the lack of success. I told him that he had to take into account all the different combinations of letter and numbers that meant things to me, as well as word phrases and names, and even symbols, that in 41 years of living, I had acquired a vast amount of knowledge, including phrases in other languages, like Latin, and that he could guess for weeks and never even come close. 'But you smiled when I said that last one mom!"Yeah, son, I thought it kinda funny that you think I would use something a 12 y/o teeny bopper would use as a password, I might think that boy is cute, but as a security device, please, give me credit." He never did get it, never even got close, and his frustration gave way to him trying to negotiate more time with me which led to me actually being able to negotiate things outta him like a cleaned up room for the first time in weeks, so I am going to guard that password with my life.

He starts school in a couple of weeks, and I am so damn happy that he is getting back into a routine, the only thing that is stressing me is that he needs pretty damn near everything. He is growing like a weed and he is so hard on his clothes that they look like rags that even a hobo would reject, including his never pairs of jeans. though he swears that, that is the,'look'. He insists he just needs another pair of chucks and maybe a couple pairs of jeans and a rock t-shirt or two, and socks..God, that boy and socks...lets not even go there, though I still dont freaking understand just what the hell happens to his socks? Is there is sock gremlin that comes in and eats them or pisses on them or just does really foul stuff to them in the middle of the night? I find them in the weirdest places, and often in pieces and I have reached the point that I dont touch them anymore, I kinda treat them like a dog or a cat turd and I pick them up with either a paper towel or a plastic bag and I put them in the trash. He just rolls his eyes at me and claims that I am weird, but let me tell you, I am pretty sure he is the weird one around here.

Sus felt sorry for him since I banned him from using my razor. He had actually started sprouting a pretty decent beard except for two patches right on either side of his chin that looked a bit moth eaten and his distress at the fact he had more facial hair than her husband was making Sus feel bad. She asked my permission, and after receiving permission from me, and assurance that the only thing he would shave with it would be his face, she bought him his own electric razor. He washed their cars for them and did some work around their house for them to pay her back and I know he appreciated it beyond all reason. His skin is really clearing up and its so weird to see the difference between him and the boys he hangs out with at church. he is actually even younger than two of them, but he is bigger, has better muscles and way more hair and just looks more mature. Keeping the older girls away from him has become a bit of a stress, and I am afraid its just going to get worse after school starts, luckily one of the girls that has really set her sights for him lives in Vancouver, and her car is in the shop so she cant get here to try and see him, (as if I would let my son go in a car with some 18 year old girl!)and when school starts he will be too busy. I never thought I would have to worry about my sons virtue, and though there are times I wonder which side he butters his bread on, I do worry, and I dont want him getting involved in anything that he isn't prepared to deal with.

Our cat has been a welcome distraction this week. He is a cute little thing, and though he bites the hell out of my feet and whatever else he happens to be near, he makes up for it by just providing amusement and happiness. I apparently lost out on the name bid and he is no longer,"Daniel", my son and daughter now just call him,"Jasper" and I laugh at my son when I give him the raised eyebrow and he says,'Shut it,mom! thats not funny!" He carries the kitten around cuddled up to his chest or hold it in his lap when he is sitting down, and I noticed that he seems calmer and more at peace with he has it, and he is protective of the little thing, so perhaps it was just the right name for just the right calming influence for all of us.

Mumford & Sons - Winter Winds

Dear Roger: Its a Fly By The Seat Of Your Pants Kinda Life

Its been a busy few days around here. I had to deal with another eyeball melting migraine that left me feeling so crappy that I really just wanted to hide in my room for a couple of days, but since I have never been allowed that luxury, I just had to keep pushing on through and trying to deal as best I could while I lost my ability to see green and red fonts,(the latest and weirdest side effect) and the tinnitus pretty much drowned out everything else. I finally got off my ass and found a new doctor and with that comes a procedure that is kinda like going on a blind date/job interview for a job you dont really want.

I have spent the past couple of days filling out the medical history and let me tell you, seeing it all on paper is like...whooo..wow...im fucked up. Between rolling my truck down the 1-40, all the crap I got into as a cop and a firefighter, and pissing off men that were waay bigger than me for too many years, my body is a road map for 40 miles of bad road. The bright side is that I dont have anything like heart disease or communicable stuff and I am very cognizant of my health so I work on maintaining a healthy lifestyle other than I may smoke a little, but considering all the other shit I could be into, one or two cigs in a day is not gonna seal the deal for me. I am hoping the new doctor doesnt want to go poking around in my spine or my brain. The last time weird stuff started happening, the doctors decided that on top of all the mris' and ct's and eegs and all tests, they needed to stick needles into my spine and not only withdraw some fluid for testing, they injected stuff to deaden the nerves in my lower back to stop the pain. I did not know my heart could beat that damn fast! Because yes, I was awake as 4 sets of needles were directed into each side of my spine in the middle off my back and the stuff was injected. One wrong move and I would have been fubar, and being helpless is not something I could handle. The thought of going through that kinda crap again is a bit unnerving.

Soo, we got a cat yesterday. We had been debating it for a while, and though I wanted to go and get Fergus with all my heart, I know I could not take him away from my boys. They need him and he needs his space. Soo, I bowed to the the desires of Chance and Stevie and I got a cat. We looked at cats at the shelter, we looked at cats on CL and we looked at cats in the paper. I found a woman,(Russian) who had a a few kittens whos feral mother had abandoned them and because she was caring for a disabled husband, she needed them gone asap, so we went over and looked. The father was a Bengal, and she said the mom was an extremely tiny fluffy looking cat. She brought out 4 kittens crammed into a shoe box and the poor things were shaking and terrified, except for one.His head popped up right away and he was yelling and looking around and bellyaching about everything. He has really interesting markings on him and in fact the pattern on his head looks like a small skull. he has green eyes and 4 white feet and he is quite the griper. All the way home he sunk his claws into my boobs and yelled in my ears, and once we got here, he didn't want anyone out of his sight. There has been some disagreement over his name, and though Stevie and I had agreed on Daniel, Chance called and audible and said that the the name just "doesn't fit".He went into this long dissertation about,"Jeeze mom!,With all of Stevie's Twilight stuff, the one time we have something where the name Jasper would fit because hes small, blonde and bites like a freaking piranha, and you are gonna call him Daniel?I mean, what the hell?"I gave him the raised eyebrow and asked,'YOU,You, want to name the cat Jasper?!" Im more than a little confused at this point because he is always the one flipping me and Stevie crap over being fangirls, " Well, even Susan thinks it fits" he muttered at me, that comment really raised my eyebrows, "Wait a minute, SUSAN? my "convinced that its a sin to pretty much even mention the word Twilight, friend,wants to name the cat Jasper too?!" Im picking up my cell phone at this point getting ready to out my friend as a closet twihard. "MOM! The name Daniel just does not fit the cat." By this time Stevie is starting to cave and she is sitting next to her brother who has the kitty cuddled up to his once again bare chest, as she reaches over to pet it, the cat turns and sinks its needle sharp teeth into one of Chances nips and then begins raking its little claws across his chest as it tries to escape my daughter. Chance squeaked and his eyes began to water in pain as he gently tried to make the kitten let loose,"Ahh, I see...how about Jasper Daniel?" I said, and dont you think you should wear a shirt until he gets a little less likely to use you as a scratching post?

The cat did good last night. I got up this morning to find him asleep on Chances chest in the middle of the living room floor, and I found that he had actually used his litter box, so i guess he will get to stay. My son has always been good with animals, and he has always been a bit of a cat person, so maybe this tiny little critter will help him like Fergus helped me, and naming it gives him a bit of a sense of responsibility for it as well. We will go in the next week or so and get it some toys and goodies and I will get him fixed as soon as he is old enough to cut down on all kinds of hassles.

Next week I get to register both kids for school!!! Uh, YEAH!!! hell YEAH!! Chance will be in high school and though he has missed the start of football camp, he is still able to be in football if he wants to, so I have been pricing the needed equipment and its freaking me the hell out! The boy is in a growth spurt, and that is a huge problem because he seems to shoot up over night. His shoes are now tight on him which means that he now needs either a 12.5 or a 13. Holy Monkey... a size THIRTEEN shoe? I dated a guy who wore a size 13, but he was over 6'4 and in his 30's, not a 14 year old. While we were wandering around looking at shoes and stuff, Sus and I came across a size 18 tennis shoe! We were both momentarily floored by the implications of such a beast...,"Could you imagine, if the old wives tales were true?" Sus whispered. I picked up the shoe and told her that I needed to go find my "Cinderfella", a little louder than I should have because the clerk in that department overheard me and he turned a bit pink around the ears...im guessing he wasn't a fit. I tend to believe its more related to hand size anyway, thats why I kinda have a thing with those guitarist hands...anyhoo, its gonna be expensive as hell to outfit the boy for sports this year! Between football, track, baseball, and whatever else he decided to get into, I have a feeling its gonna be a daunting prospect.

Im still trying to get a guitar for us. I have decided to try and trade my jewelry for one and though my jewelry is one of a kind stuff and most of it I have had for a few years,its kinda a niche market, so I may not have a lot of luck at it, but I have a barter ad up on CL and I am at least trying. Chance got to play a $5000 Gibson the other day and he about lost his freaking mind. That was hands down the most expensive thing he has ever been allowed to play by far, and he really liked it quite a bit, and now he has heard the difference between a cheap 100 off brand and the real deal and its killing his soul. Kinda like what happened to me when I got to play the Dobro. The good news is that job prospects are starting to look up and because of all of my glitches, I will get a little extra help in my job hunt. As for school, its still the great unknown. I cant get anyone at NAU to return calls or answer the phone, and until next month, I cant pay the fee at Reed, so I am stuck until the Winter term, but its no big deal either way, because with the writing I have been doing, I really dont need some school program mucking it up with a bunch of busy work.

It finally cooled off up here and I am glad! Its been hotter than balls up here and we have all been extra crabby, so hopefully now that Portland is back to its typically mid-seventies kinda days, we will mellow the hell out a little and maybe I will quit feeling like a salamander stuck in mid-shed.

The video I finally figured out how to post on my site is of a band that I just recently found out about,(yeah, I do live under a fecking rock) and its yet another case of love at first listen. The really are another talented bunch of guys and I have had their stuff on pretty much constant rotation since I found them. When I figure out how to build a play list, or when I bribe Chance into doing it for me, I will put up a list of my favorite 100 Monkeys,Avette,and Mumford and Sons stuff along with the Barnstormers and Cage the Elephant. If you dont know who any of those bands are, check them out, they are pretty damn good. I wanted to go see MAS in concert up here in October, but apparently they are pretty damn popular and they are sold out, but I am scouring CL to see if I can get lucky, and yeah, I know they appeal to a certain element,and I dont give a rats ass, if you haven't read my previous blogs and aren't aware of my feelings on the matter, then you need to educate yourself. Love is love is love, and hurt and pain are hurt and pain, doesn't matter what what type of boots your love happens to wear, they all go on the same way.

Mumford and Sons - Liar

Dear Roger: Somedays It Just Sucks To Be

I seem to excel at getting on my sons shit list this week. No matter what I do, its wrong, no matter how hard I try, it isn't enough, and just when I think all is going smooth, he rockets off into either rage, or he turns into Captain Emo. This parenting shit is hard and if I wasn't a stubborn ass Texan, I would have said,"fuck it" and just thrown in the towel and put my boots on and walked a long time ago.

I have tried reasoning with him, but I have discovered that like most men, you cannot reason with him. He has a one track mind and his mind right now seems to fixate on a few topics and he just cannot see anything past those things. The first fixation of his is that he is majorly pissed that we are poor. I cant freaking help that right now. I am trying, but its not my fault hes not some spoiled ass trust fund baby, my dads side of the family blew the money long before he was born, and then my dad took what was supposed to be my inheritance and blew it, so we are screwed, blued and tattooed when it comes to money. Im disabled, as in fucked up, not supposed to work, as in many days cant work. I get headaches that partially blind and cripple me and I injuries that just really dont make life very fun most days, so even though I really do try to work, and I have held some jobs, its really hard to find the perfect fit. His biological father has never contributed a single dime to his support, ever.Though he came from money, and was a successful person in a few fields including acting, he only contributed his biological material and a death threat, and even though my son has been asking if he could reach out to him and see if he would be willing to meet him, the thought of that scares the hell out of me. My son has been pushing the issue lately and I am more than a little afraid he is going to try and find him via the internet, though my searches have revealed that he keeps a pretty tight layer of security around himself and he would probably only be contactable though a formal agency, such as a lawyer or the state.I do still have the number for his parents place in Santa Monica, and it still shows up as a valid number, but even though my son is a physically large young man, and strong, emotionally being rejected or even threatened by someone that looks just like him could be devastating.

My sons next obsession is his body and all the changes he is going through and talk about a land mine of a subject! He runs around without a shirt on most of the time and one of his buddies commented that he must be "less evolved"than the rest of them! Okay, I did not kick the kids ass, but I did say that no, it was just that my son was maturing faster. Hes already got a six pack,and hes a bit fuzzy and its driving him insane. I want to know when in the hell it became the style for men to get harassed for looking like men? So what if he has the beginnings of a beard and mustache and chest hair at 14? My God, he is a BOY! They were supposed to be hairy the last time I was around guys, but for some reason he is convinced he is supposed to be smooth and hairless like some chick! He obsesses over it and when my very expensive, fancy assed razor kept either disappearing or turning up out of place with weird hairs caught in it, I knew something was up in the weird department. He hardly ever wears shorts because he was sensitive about his legs looking,'all muscle y and weird and hairy" but the heat wave we have had broke him and he came out of his room in his boxers to Al Bundy it up in the living room one day and the boy looked like he had been attacked by rabid ants and there was not a hair to be seen anywhere on his legs,or chest! I was speechless for a good long while and I just kinda stared at him a bit before I said, 'Ill just bet that razor burn is a real bitch in this heat with all the sweat running into it." That was shortly before we had the whole,'gay" discussion. I started hiding my razor after that because the damn blades are expensive as hell and he dulls the heck out them with all the manscaping, and I have tried to reassure him that men are supposed to be fuzzy, and THANK GOD, some of the actors in hollyweird and some of the young rock stars are starting to look like men again, but still...geeze, its all the mixed signals that leave me feeling like im back on the pogo stick in the minefield with the screamo going again.

When I call my mom or even my sister for guidance, they just laugh at me and wish me luck, but I really wish you were still around, or that I had some young guy that I could call for advice on what the hell to do for him. He has been so abused and jerked around by the men in his life that he has no idea how a normal man is supposed to act, he knows how an abuser and an alcoholic acts, and he knows how to abandon people, but he has only gotten to spend maybe a grand total of a few months around normal, well-functioning, successful men, and that scares the hell out of me. Without a grandfather or an uncle close by or even good, close friends, he is floundering and so am I.

I have taken some steps to try and let him know that I am trying. I am working on getting him a guitar.I dont have much, but what I do have I will sell in order to get him one, because I know he misses his music, and that was one thing that was a positive in his life, and the fact that my ex wont send his guitars up here pisses me off to no end, but I cannot focus on yet another loser male in our lives, I have to work on fixing the one that still has potential, even if he resents the hell out of me for trying.