Dear Roger:I Tend To Wander On The Low SIde Of The Road

Wow,its been awhile hasn't it?I guess I wish I could say there has been a lot going on, but there hasn't been. I have just been fucking depressed and haven't really felt like writing as much. I get that way sometimes and I wallow in my misery by sitting out under the trees off my back deck, staring at the cars driving by on the road,smoking cigarretts until one of the kids demands I come in and pay attention to them.

I dont know why things started bugging me, perhaps it was all the horror movies,perhaps it was just too much time on my hands to think about all the things that I have done, the past and all the things that I have seen, but I started considering the fact that I have seen and handled horrors that most normal people cannot begin to comprehend. I am not normal, not by a long shot. I never have been. I have always been drawn to the dark and the grotesque, the freak shows and horror movies and things that would send normal people scurrying away in terror. I sought out and read dark things, hell, I have even written them.

I know things that most people do not know,like what a decomposed body really smells like, the sound a bloated body makes when it hits the ground after you cut it out of a tree, the feel of brains under your fingers, or how much pressure you have to use to puncture the vitreous humor of an eye to get the fluid.I have seen death in so many forms...accidental,planned,intentional,murder,natural and the looks on the faces of each and every one of the dead is still with me, especially the children. I cannot close my eyes at night without seeing each and every child I have ever picked up off the side of the road or out of their parents arms or off of some filthy floor. I can still feel the weight of their small bodies against me as I carried them to the body bags.

It bothers me that these memories stick with me clearer than some of my memories that I know would be happier. I have a hard time remembering many of the trips with my grandparents.Those were so long ago, but they were the bright spots of my youth. The one memory of a trip with them that does stand out is being in Whiteriver and seeing a native man fall out in front of a truck,that is very vivid in my mind.

I remember my father coming in and telling me that my very first crush had just been killed by a drunk driver.I even remember the smell on his clothes and how the house looked, where I was standing and how dark it was outside and that it rained for the entire next week. That memory is so strong it often haunts me at night, while the memory of his face and the times he spoke to me or I actually got to interact with him, are fading.

It seems that the memory of horror and fear has a very strong power to erase any of the happy memories that you might have. I know that I had some happy times with my eldest sons father, in fact the time we spent in L.A. was some of the happiest time in my life and I know that it must have been like a dream come true for me to have actually made it out there with a man who had actually been in movies and who knew his way around all the cool places I had only seen on tv,but almost all those memories were erased by the things he did to me later. All I remember when I see him in my memory is the shark like blank stare,the scalpel, the gun,his handcuffs, and that isolated little house he kept on the West Side with the deep hole in the back yard and the feel of his hands on my face. I still feel lucky to have escaped with my life and the scars and little glitches in my personality are a small price to pay.

The memories of my ex-husband are mostly of him with the straight razor to my throat and the look that was in his eyes...10 years and that is what I take away with me, the feel of a straight razor to my throat and the look of want in his eyes while my kids cried next to me on the bed. Fuuuck! is it any shock I have my days of down time?

I have been writing again, working on a novel for the Nainomo writing thingy and so far its progressing okay. I have also written a couple of songs, so I guess I am snapping out of it. A job change is in the works, the pet place is just not going to work out at all. Im tired of walking the 2.5 miles there only to be sent home because they cant find their asses with both hands and get me something to do.

You , Rog, are always strong in my memories...but the day you came to grandmas looking so tired and laid your head on her kitchen table and fell asleep is strongest in my memories because that is the day I knew our time was short. I miss you , I miss you soo much.

Fuzzy Monkeys

This is the biggest Jackson Rathbone fan alive. Dont let that cute lil smile fool you, touch the monkey or dis her monkey man and she will mess your butt up.

That monkey she has cuddled up to her?The monkey that I had to write a permission slip for so she could take it to school for picture day rather than deal with the trauma of a child that believed her monkey would be sad if he wasnt included? Thats her "Jackson" its been to 2 concerts and it goes to church with her,sleeps in her bed, and on all trips. There is a picture of her with the real deal and this goofy monkey. She loves them both. Family members have found out that its best not to ask if she loves Jackson more than them, she will answer honestly and they wont like her answer.

Small things work small miracles,shes a happy kid again. She smiles and laughs and demands to know when her 'Boy" is coming back for another show. I just smile and tell her that he is busy being working and she will see him when he gets back this way, but that she has to share him.Its not what she wants to hear,but she knows there are worse answers to things.

I will miss this age when she grows out of it, that sweet, innocent, first love when your hero is 10 ft tall and bullet -proof and can do no wrong, I wish she would remain this unjaded forever.I am doing my best to protect these fleeting days, I remember when I had a hero and I still cant stand to hear him spoken ill of, so I will give her this time to adore hers, its important.

Dear Roger; Why In The Hell Am I Living Under Murphys Law?

What a fecking month! First off, I finally manage to get a couple of jobs and I am pretty damn happy that they are fairly low maintenance, dont require much thinking, pay is tolerable, type of jobs, but the one downside is that I seem to be dealing with folks that cant find their butts with both hands when it comes to getting paperwork processed,or scheduling or even getting folks paid on time!I was supposed to have a couple of paychecks under my belt by now, which would really come in handy right about now, but someone dropped the damn ball and it will now be another two weeks before I get paid. The other job cant seem to get me scheduled properly because I read really fast and I am ripping through the training that they think should take nearly 60 hours, in less than a week, so I am having to wait for the rest of the chuckleheads they hired to catch up with me. I dont believe in padding the time clock or just sitting there wasting time, so I read the materials, did the tests and now they dont know what to do with me while the others struggle through. Soo, I screwed myself a bit there because I could use more hours.

I haven't worked around the general public yet, I am spending most of the time working in the back or setting up visuals and displays, so its a lot of grunt work that is not too exciting, and its also really physically demanding because I work with a bunch of girly girls who aren't used to doing a lot of heavy lifting so I am the one that is ending up doing all the huge, heavy work.I am glad I am capable, but I am also coming home pretty damn tired. Add in the fact that one of the lil chicks felt fit so share her cold with me and its been real fun hacking and snotting all over the place when I am trying to get out and meet a man!

Its still been a social ghost town around here for me, and that is so fucking frustrating that I am about to lose my mind. I have been getting out more, I am in excellent shape, in fact I am pretty damned skinny and I am getting toned . My boobs are looking great and I dress up whenever I go anywhere, so I dont look like some scrub that crawled out of a laundry hamper, but while I have gotten lots of looks, and I have flirted more than a few times, I end up spending my weekends and nights alone. I have to say that this is the longest sexual drought I have been in for my entire adult life. I have always been able to find a companion or even a "Friend with benefits" that was willing to take care of business for me when I felt the need, but not for the past couple of years and I really cant figure out what the issue is that makes me so unapproachable, by men that is. I have been hit on almost constantly by women, but when it comes to men...thhhpt, buptkas,nada and I am to the point of wishing I could just rent one for a bit.Chance finds it highly amusing I get hit on by women, and he says that the men avoid me because I look at them like I want to either,"Beat the hell out of them or eat them". Thats not whats on my mind, but maybe a close proximity?

Soo, anyhoo...Ive gotten almost all my paperwork in for my Masters program to start back up in January and I will be glad to have my brain back working on something that I actually care about. I have a story working in my head and I have been jotting down the outline for it, so hopefully I will have it ready to flesh out pretty soon, but I have to remember that when you are working on an outline for a story that has a woman with two kids who fled Domestic Violence to a new place because of a rock band, only to find out that she has terminal cancer and has less than 6 months left to live, DONT LEAVE THE NOTES WHERE YOUR KID CAN FIND THEM! Poor Chance freaked the hell out and I still haven't gotten him convinced its a fiction story. So I guess I have to keep my next doctors appointment just to give him peace of mind.

A DIFFERENT FOREST: Fine Monkey Lovin

A DIFFERENT FOREST: Fine Monkey Lovin

Check it out on "A Different Forest"

Dear Roger: As Good As I Once Was?

Its been a long dang week! I started back to a real damn job or two and it came pretty damn close to kicking my butt. I got to say though, getting out and around people again seems to agree with me and I enjoy being busy, especially this month. Working the night shift was a good way for me to slide back into things because folks tend to be a little more relaxed and casual about things. One of the gals I work with is a smoker and we went and hung out for a bit, smoking and talking about random things, including how we both get nagged at over our smoking habit. The work doesn't require much thinking, and it changes from day to day, so there will be something to keep my interest, the only down side is that they seem to have figured out that I am pretty strong, in fact they have already tapped me to load couches and other furniture when there was a guy around! My boss said its because I move with a confidence and way of moving that just says," Strength".That kinda cracked me up, but I guess they are right, that and the fact I dont worry about breaking a nail or smudging up any makeup.

My other job is just in the orientation stage, and its a bit aggravating due to the fact I am having to deal with slower learners. If they would just let me log onto the system from my laptop at home and go through all their company specific stuff, I would be done with all their requirements and ready to start their proprietary training so that I would be good to go by the holiday push, but they insist that I come into the office and sit in their breakroom and use the one computer they have, so I have to share it with 4 other people who are also new hires. As you finish each section of the information, you test over it and if you pass, you move on. I finished a weeks worth in one day and I am ready to move on to the next level, but the others are having difficulty and that is bogging up the works!I am off work for the next week because the others need the time to try and catch up with me.I am going to be training and rehabilitating large breed, rescue dogs, so its not like this is my first rodeo.I know what I am doing, I have done it before and I have a lot of experience at it, but they have their way they want things done, so I will have to play their game until things are lined out.

The first day of work was a tough one on me,I had to be at one job from 7p til 3 am and then up again at 6 am to get the kids up for school, then walk the 2.5 miles to my other job by 8am to work until 1pm then walk the 2.5 miles back home to meet daughters bus by 230, then cook dinner,clean house and get kids settled for the night so I could get up to go to work by 8 am the next morning. I was just a little bit on the tired side by the time things were all said and done.

I enjoyed it, even if I was a bit tired. My son is a bit worried about me walking so far in the dark once my schedule gets set in a month or two, but I am not really worried.The key to being safe when you are walking at night is to look just a little meaner and crazier than everything else out there and people tend to stay away from you. I am well able to manage that.

Tomorrow my son plays his next football game and I am soo looking forward to seeing it! He is supposed to get to start as a tackle this time and if his enthusiasm is half as much as it was last game, it will be a pretty exciting game.

I made it though yesterday. I cried a few times,but I have hope that someday my heartache will ease. Folks keep telling me that there is a man out there looking for me, I just have to be willing to see him.

Dear Roger: Love the One You Are With, I Wish My One Was With Me

This song always takes me back to him...that time,that place. Its 28 years today when my whole world imploded.Nothing was the same for me after that, and perhaps it was the torture of having to drive past the spot where he died every single day until I left that God forsaken place,that left such a scar on my soul...I dont know. He still lives in my memories as that perfect,beautiful, boy that I had the worst crush in the world on, and I have to wonder what my life would have been like if hadn't been murdered and I had perhaps stood a chance.

So much was taken from so many that day, parents lost sons, another young man lost his peace of mind and wallowed in survivors guilt for over 20 years in drugs and alcohol.I have lived with the loss of the first boy I ever truly loved with all my heart. If you have your "One" in your life, love them extra well today, some of us were never that lucky.

Dear Roger; Taking Applications For a Submissive,Do I Have To Be EEOC?

You know, sometimes if you wait long enough and bide your time, you can get the best pay back on a cheating sumbitch that you could have never imagined. When Chance was just a little baby,I was with a boy that I loved with all my heart. He was younger than me,and truthfully he was a bit of a mommas boy and kinda immature, but he was fun and we had a fantastic sex life and social life and we did all kinds of things together. He wasnt Chances father, but he was with me all through the pregnancy and he was for all intents and purposes the only daddy my baby boy knew for the first couple of years of his life, and my son bonded with him and loved him. But something started happening after I became a cadet in the police academy.He started becoming distant and he would miss dates or just not show up or return calls. He strung me along for months, letting me think that everything was just in my head and due to stress. Then, when the stress of the academy was at its peak, I found out he had been cheating on me and had in fact told people he had broken up with me when he had failed to let me know that little bit of information! So on Valentines Day, right before the end of the academy, I finally get a text from him telling me it was over and I should leave him alone. He didnt even bother to tell my son goodbye.

I was devastated, and I figure that is what he was going for, so after I allowed myself an epic night out of drunken karaoke with my lesbian firefighter friends, I started on the path of revenge by dating his boss.Now in all fairness, I had a mad,huge crush on his boss, and his boss had also had his heart broken by a cheating POS , so we were both pretty gunshy, but you would have thought the apocalypse had rained down on my ex's head when the rumors of who I was seeing reached him. He started calling and coming by and flirting, but I just played coy. I should also mention that though I had been in good shape, I got in GREAT shape around this time, the type of shape that allows you to wear booty shorts and sports bras out in public and nothing else. I ran 2 miles a day, I swam 30 laps each morning and afternoon and I set my benchpress record of 200lbs in this time. drove a cool truck that stood out, I dressed sharp and I went out and was seen all over the place so he knew just what he was missing, and where my truck was parked on the nights I had my dates with his boss. He ended up quitting his job because he believed he was being unfairly ostracized by the department,(he wasnt, he was just really getting paranoid)and he ended up marrying the girl he had cheated on me with, and in a true act of just desserts, she cheated on him!

Move forward another 13 years, I moved on. Lived and endured things that have probably been way worse on me than he was, but alot of what he did to me ego wise, impacted my future decisions and I still bear a bit of a grudge, though I dont let him know that, because you see...through the wonder of the internet, he found me on Facebook and sent me a friend request, and because I was curious, I accepted it. I say with no little glee, that he got fat, bald, and he is still blaming most of his problems on everybody but himself. Hes married, got a couple of little kids and his wife seems like the good type. He went though my photo albums and commented that he thought I looked really good and that I had really stayed in shape. Well, I didnt know what to say other than I had always worked to stay healthy and in my,"Fighting shape". I really thought the conversation was a bit inappropriate for a married man to be having with a single woman, but I let it go and strung him along a bit to see where his mind was at, and it turns out he hasn't changed at all.

So I have decided to torment him with what he will never have again,with a few interesting additions. My sis and I have always loved a good practical joke,in fact the more outrageous the better and we have often come close to giving each other heart attacks over the years with some of the stuff we have done. She has called me pretending to be a jealous wife on more than one occasion, and I may have called her with lab results telling her she was pregnant with twins. She knows I dont have caller id on my home phone so she uses that to her advantage and she called yesterday trying to pretend that she was a publicity agent for a certain young star I am partial to. I am highly skeptical and cynical by nature and when I said, 'Ill believe you when he trots his cute young ass to my door with a bow around his neck" and she got the giggles cussing me out saying, "What they hell would you have done if someone woulda knocked on your damn door right then?" truth? gone out the back door with a fit of the runaways, lie I told her? "Sent the kids to the neighbor and drug whoever the hell was at the door in for the shock of their life.' Anyway , sis knows what a mindfuck that fool did to me, so we concocted a plan to pay him back a little more and last night I got to start it. He popped up in FB chat and asked me what I was up to, and I said,'Shopping for some toys and booking my appointment with my piercing guy". He was quiet for quite a long while and I thought that he had signed off, but he finally said, 'What are you going to get pierced?" I getting both nipples done next week after my waxing appointment. this time he came back really quick with ,"WHAT?! WHY? FOR WHO?!" Im getting my nipples pierced because I am exploring some things for ME. He went for snarky next, "So are you a lesbian now?" No, quite the opposite, I liken the dicken quite a bit, I am just taking control of things a little better. I actually could just about hear him getting hard from almost 1800 miles away. 'So you are getting yourself waxed and pierced and are buying toys?" yes. "What are you getting into?" I have decided to find a submissive. "whoooooaaaa.......I could totally see that being something you could do." why? "Well you were always very edgy and tough, all I gotta say is I wish I was closer." you are too old and you arent in good enough shape."So what are you looking for?" I decided at this point to really break it off in him and leave him drooling on himself with all kinds of thoughts that would have him sitting up until the wee hours of the morning contemplating just what he had let get away. Well, my age limits are no younger than 23, no older than 35,between 5'9-6'3 150-220 height and weight proportional, cant be bald, must have endurance and be articulate and self-supporting and able to follow instructions, preferably with tattoos so I know hes capable of enduing at least a reasonable amount of pain, and I would prefer him to not be looking for a relationship. "What! you aren't looking for a relationship?" Outside of being my sub? no I dont want the hassle of some boy expecting me to change who and what I am to accommodate him at this point in the game. He was quiet for a long time and I know he was sitting there either spanking it or pricing plane tickets to Portland, but I was doing my best to not crack the hell up and thanking God that I have a much better poker face for this kinda thing than my sis. When he finally came back, I knew he had bought it, hook line and sinker..."Soo what are your hard limits?" LOL, the fool had been on Google trying to catch me in a lie so I upped the ante. The typical, no blood or body fluids of any kind, no choking or edge/needle play (DUH! he knows my knife issues), safewords are a must, written contract, health checks on both with testing required every 90 days, I prefer someone with previous experience. That little paragraph shut him up for quite a while because he didnt expect me to have a solid reply so quickly,(gotta say all the BDSM and Slash fic I have read have paid off in spades!) and I was dying laughing picturing his face as he read it. I knew it was time to leave him wondering, so I abruptly said, kid barfing, ttyl

Leaving that way, he could not be sure if I was telling the truth or just cutting him off, so he left a message,"Oh, okay...talk to you more later, okay?" maybe...after I let him sit and wonder and dwell for a few days.