Dear Roger: "Queen of Negotiations?" I know you would say more like,"Bullshit Artist"

Its been a bit of a heady morning. Its pouring freaking rain, the kids are driving each other crazy and to top it off, the internet and cable and all that connects us to the world got cut off. They tend to do that when you dont pay the damn bill. But, you know when you live on less money in a month than most normal people make in a week, sometimes you have to make tough choices, but what really sucked is I was like 3 days away from having the money in the account to cover the damn bill! Arrgh! Soo when daughter started freaking out and rolling around on the floor chewing on her foot because we are trapped in here due to the buckets of rain that are falling out of the sky, and we have no car and no where to go and no money, and she doesn't even have a coloring book right now, I decided to take a chance and see if they would negotiate with me. Of course I got a woman of color, and so I just laid it out to her, told her the entire situation and I could hear the ,"Bitch you KNOW you can afford this shit" in her voice, but I kept sweet talking and negotiating with her and she finally said,"Alright! let me see what I can do!" 2 minutes later it came on. Dont know for how long, but hopefully until its a little closer to the time when I can actually pay the damn bill. Damn I am tired of being this fucking broke. I worked, volunteered, served and destroyed my body in public service and I have an education and degree and all kinds of abilities, but I just cant seem to find anything. I have always been able to talk myself out of a situation. I think that is how I kept the ex from just slitting my throat that day. I was doing some fast talking and I dont even remember what all I said, but it must have been the right things, because instead of following thorough and pushing the blade harder, he eased it off. I have been able to talk way bigger people than me into handcuffs when I was a cop, and all kinds of people into all kinds of things when I was a medic, so it has served me well, though sometimes it fails or I encounter someone who is immune to my bullshit artistry. I should have followed through and become a lawyer, I would probably at least be able to pay some bills on time by now.

We got sis's 100 Monkeys dvd yesterday and it was the sunshine in our rainy day once again. We sat huddled on the couch around my sons computer because its the only thing we have that will play a dvd, and we watched enraptured. I was stunned when it opened. I could not have asked for a more perfect beginning for my baby girls Christmas present than for that dvd to open with the concert at the Voodoo donuts, complete with her smiling face in the crowd and the first song being her favorite song,"Shy Water". She squealed and went hopping around the room freaking out and I burst into tears,(yeah, I went totally freaking girly) I swear to God I wish I could have hugged the necks of everyone of those boys right then because that was just soo damn perfect. Son was even choked up as he said,"Thats soo cool". I still get choked up telling folks about it. Daughter was ecstatic about the video and we sat and watched it and laughed so damn hard at some of the silliness. It was a perfect end to our holiday and will be treasured for many years to come. It was another perfect day of sunshine for us courtesy of a bunch of ragtag monkeys.

Dear Roger; Monkey Envy and Realizations

So things are starting to get back to our version of normal. We took down the tree yesterday and put away the few decorations we had put up and I cooked an average dinner last night.Today I am going to brave a grocery store to get some sugar and milk and stuff that we have been out of for a few days. Its been pretty cold outside and rainy, so no real desire to go anywhere for me, but being chronically anemic makes me alway freaking cold, so its not like its a pleasurable experience to go outside when its cold enough to freeze the ass off a brass monkey.

Monkeys...that has been the theme of this whole year it seems. The concert that brought us here, the music of the strange little band that has been our light in the dark times, and daughters love of the cute little rock star that has been endearing and heartbreaking, and now we have stuffed monkeys everywhere. There is her favorite standby,"Jackson" that goes everywhere with her and that is tucked in with her every night, to the newest addition,"Sarah" . She names them all and can tell you all their names and personality quirks.Shes a funny kid. The musical instruments that she got for her gifts were a huge hit with her, and she has been practicing them almost constantly...CONSTANTLY. I walked into my room once last night and she was playing the harmonica, beating on a bongo with one hand, shaking a maraca with the other and playing the tambourine with her foot, I just left her to it.

Son has been working on playing the guitar quite a bit, and he is experimenting with all the different techniques and styles of picking and playing and sometimes it sounds pretty cool, others it makes me cringe for the poor guitar. He sings quite a bit as well, so music is hugely important around here. Somebody is always listening or singing or playing it somewhere in the apt, even at night. Daughter knows our favorite band is back on tour and she has asked me a dozen times , "Mom can we go?" But they are being pretty smart right now, their young butts are down South where normally its pretty moderate this time of year, but the South just got nailed with a huge storm, so they are on the road in snow and all kinds of mess and daughter knows it. She was pretty solemn last night as she was saying her prayers and as she got to her a"And God bless"...she named off every one of those boys in the band and asked
"that they be kept safe."Shes got a good heart, and even when she s ticked off at her brother, it hurts her heart to be upset with him. I hope we get to see them again before they get too hugely popular, Mtv is sniffing around after them and it looks like this may be their year to really shine, so the time of fun, intimate concerts in the sunshine of parking lots may soon give way for the screaming mayhem of arenas and thats kinda sad in a way, but im happy they are getting recognized for the good thing that they are.

I came to a realization yesterday, since I have started writing, the worst of my migraines have stopped. No smelling blood, no nausea and vomiting, no dizziness, no loss of my color vision, no pain that makes me feel like my eyeballs are crawling out of my head. I still have hideous tinnitus, sometimes bad enough to block out most other sounds, but the worst of the migraines have faded. Being able to release my artistic beast is helpful, I think that is what fuels the worst of the migraines, keeping it subdued or starved down, but allowing my mind to just put down some of my ideas and get them out has been fun for me, and I am thriving on the feedback that my stories have gotten. Its a little scary, throwing things like that out in the world, but compared to the migraines that had ripped my skull apart for the last few years, its nothing.

Dear Roger;Pulling Miracles Out Of My Ass? Just Another Day For Me

Well, We made it through Christmas. How sad to think of it that way, but when you look at the holiday with dread because you know its going to be full of stress due to hopes and dreams that you aren't going to be able to meet as a parent, well...it kinda becomes that. The ex was lucky back in AZ, word got around to the Baptist church that his folks used to belong to that he had been off work for awhile and had been struggling, and even though he hadn't darkened their door in over 20 years, the church brought them a gift card to a local grocery store and gifts for the kids, and then they got the local fire department involved and they adopted them they brought the kids a whole bunch of presents for Christmas and more gift cards! THATS what churches are supposed to do. I remember that church that adopted them too, its not the fanciest church in Flag either, its a rather small, nondescript looking building that often has a parking lot filled with lower end cars. Guess it goes to show that the spirit lives in less ornate digs .

The kids church up here did nothing other than the performance that the little kids put on. No potluck, no get together, no nothing. I got invited to go to a performance of a play at a local Baptist church and a get together and I wanted to go,but couldn't get things to work out. I was explaining to my son how a church treats its lesser and poorer members says a whole lot about the church as a whole, and I could see that it was making an impact with my son. I am a big believer that with churches, bigger is not better.

I made some tough executive decisions and I robbed Peter to pay Paul, so I managed to scrape together enough money to buy a few things for my kids and friends. It wasn't a whole hell of a lot, but it made me feel better. My kids seems really happy and even though we ended up not having a fancy Christmas dinner, or dinner at all, the kids had a great day thanks to our friends.Some new friends brought over some Christmas candy and me a present and for the first time since I have been up here I have some candles for my house! I found my rampaging beasts off the chocolate and actually got to enjoy some of it and I am thrilled I actually have another real life friend.

We went over to our other friends house for brunch and they had a bunch of presents for us including a MICROWAVE! Finally after all this time we have a microwave! It was great. They really went all out for my kids and it was soo appreciated. I came home afterwards to relax while the friends took the kids up to Mt Hood to go sledding. I enjoyed the peace and quiet and the time to read and work on my writing. It was a stressful few days leading up to Christmas and I am glad to see it over and done with for the most part.

Daughter is still waiting for her dvd of the 100 Monkeys tour, but the letter that I wrote to her (from Santa) explaining that the dvd was late because it got held up by a pack of monkeys, really impressed her. She loves the new stuffed monkey and she has been carrying around the card almost constantly. I got her a small music set, so now she is armed with a harmonica, tambourine, drum/bongo, maracas and the ability to drive me insane. She has been practicing almost constantly on the harmonica and I had to search her before she left for church this morning to make sure she wasn't smuggling it out with her.

I got son a bunch of guitar stuff so he was happy. He has a capo now and some new strings so he can quit blaming the off sounds coming out of the guitar on "Bad" strings. He was in a pretty good mood for the entire holiday, and we had some nice talks, in the little time he has been around, so maybe if he actually is around over the next few days we will get to talk some more.I got aggravated with him a little bit because he took off on Christmas eve with GF's family. They way I grew up and was raised, that was not done. That time was for family and I would have liked to have enjoyed some time with my son, maybe cooking some dinner and talking nicely, but no, instead we ended up fighting and stressed out because he was waiting for them and then leaving to go God knows where, but away from his family. Sis and I ended up just hanging out together and having a plain dinner. It was kind of a bummer too, feeling like I had to rush through the little bit of Christmas shopping I got to do, he was sitting at home waiting on me and getting aggravated, and it just put a damper on the whole damn day an make me resentful and angry. I mean, who the hell messes with other peoples families on Christmas Eve uninvited? Makes me miss the South and Southern manners even more. He is planning on going to some thing with that church that he belongs to and that is turning into a bit of a deal as well. It started off it was $20 for whatever they are doing,(EVERYTHING with that church costs) and then it went to $25, well last night, he tells me, its now $32! What the hell? I know adults that are going out on New Years that aren't spending that damn much. Hes not going to be drinking, last time he went to one of their things and took sodas, he didn't even get any, so what the hell? That will clean us out for cash, because of course it has to be paid in advance. I really wish he would find a nice Methodist church to belong to, it wouldn't cost as much and I think the folks would have more in common with us.

So now we are approaching the New Year. I told son that we are going to sit down and come up with some resolutions that will make some differences for all of us, and I think one we really need is that more respect needs to be paid to the fact that we are a family and he needs to remember that, I try to remember that he is a young man trying to have a life, but he also needs to remember that his life is with us first and foremost. Hopefully when he is in Texas this summer with kin, he will remember the importance of that.

Dear Roger; Dont Mind Me, I'm Just Having A Pity Party of One

I hate the holidays. There, I said it, out loud,(snort!) if you know why I snorted you are as big of a dork as I am so shut the hell up. You want to know why I hate the holidays? Well? Do ya? I bet you really dont, but you will humor me because you were always like that, you would listen to me rant and piss and moan about shit and then you would give me some sound and sage advice, call me "numbnuts" or "Futzface" or something like that and either punch me in the shoulder or muss up my hair and tell me to get over myself, because in the whole grand scheme of the great big universe, my problems weren't even a tiny little blip, and if I didn't let them eat me, maybe I could do something that would leave a blip someday. But I forget that advice when you aren't here to remind me this time of year. Things start to grind on me and when you have little kids its worse.

I trot out to the mailbox everyday, hoping against hope that we have some boon from nowhere, that we have gotten a card from the kids grandparents have come through and sent them cards or that friends have at least sent us their family Christmas letters telling us what a great year they have had or that some secret Santa sent us a card, but every day there is nothing. No brightly colored envelopes unless they are late notices or bills, and daughter has noticed. She asked me today, "How come we dont get cards at Christmas, doesn't anybody remember us or love us?" Holy Fuck, Rog! I just died inside a little. She is getting old enough to notice. We have almost nothing under the tree. We have the two presents she made at school and I managed to stash a plastic harmonica for her, and a pair of cheap sunglasses as well a a couple of really cheap things I got a few months back, but son is getting almost nothing. The check I have coming from work will have to pay for the damn washer and dryer payment on Friday or we will lose it, so I cant go buy him anything else, so he had a crappy birthday and is going to have a crappy Christmas. I tried local social service agencies, but I guess you have to have been expecting to be broke 3 months in advance or you have to be professionally poor because it was a waste of time. There will be no Marine corp Santas at our door step on Christmas.

I have been avoiding my usual websites and haunts because I just feel so damn out of touch with all the happy people talking about all the food and celebrations and parties. I haven't been to any, nor asked to any. I feel so damn isolated and alone its not even funny, and add to that how much I miss my other two sons and its just a recipe for a perfect storm of a really black depression. I am just lost and I dont even know what to do and thats a hard place for me to be, I am used to being able to fix things for my kids, riding to the rescue and pulling a miracle out of the shit at the last minute, and thats just not going to happen this year and I guess I am feeling like giving up. Daughter misses her brothers and said she wishes she was home in Flag with them, and as horrible as that felt to hear, I really cannot blame her. Son got to go with friends to the beach and he called and said he wants to stay longer, and I told him to go ahead because anything has got to be more fun than just sitting here listening to everyone on tv celebrating and seeing those around us happy and enjoying shopping and all the goodies when we are worrying about keeping the electric on through the end of the damn month.

I am not fit company for man nor beast at the current time, so I guess its good that me and daughter are here by ourselves, I just wish for her sake that for once in her life the holidays could be like she sees on tv and that what every one builds them up to be, instead of nothing but stressed out me and disappointment.

Dear Roger:Happy Birthday To The Man That Changed My World

Its cold this morning! I did not want to crawl out from under my blankets to go start the water to make my hippy tea this morning, but since nobody else was going to do that for me, I didnt really have any choice. Last night was a lunar eclipse, and since it was already pretty cloudy up here in Portland, all it seemed to do was make it a little darker. I imagined what it would have been like watching it with you in your back yard in in Tucson, that always was a pretty cool place for watching stuff that was going on in the galaxy. I sometimes google map your and grandmas house, just to see if there is any reminder left of all the happiness. I think you would have really liked all the things that are going on in the arts now days. Yeah, technology has taken a lot of the artistry out of some things, but it has created entirely new mediums that would amaze an intrigue you. I see movies coming down out in the next couple of years that you would have liked, and I know that we would have seen together and talked about, and music that you would have flat dug. This weird little band that I am in to, you would have really liked them, and I miss that you aren't here to laugh at me and tease me about my fangirling over them. The boy that front for them most of the time has the same birthday as you, and that brings a little sunshine to a day that I usually spend just missing you, because my small daughter is convinced that boy simply hung the moon, so she is demanding that I bake a cake or something today,(I think she just wants cake to be honest) but I will indulge her a bit and let her be happy, after, all, he seems a pretty decent sort for her to look up to.

We wont be going out today, son is still in Long Beach, and we are busted financially, so we will cook at home and just stay in out of the cold and try to ignore all the holiday shopping news that keeps getting crammed down our throats. I got a picture of my son sent from my friends phone yesterday. He was standing on a jetty out on the beach and he looked like he was freezing his balls off. I am actually kinda really glad I didn't go. I hate being that damn cold, and the waves were stupid high, so I would have been a nervous wreck with small daughter hopping around all over the place, so it would have not been a vacation at all for me. You were always a tropical, kinda sunshine person and I had always wondered why you lived so long in Japan and places like that. I got why you lived in California, jeesh! if I was independently wealthy, I would live in California, and I know you missed it when you moved to Arizona after you had your first heart attack,but living in a place like Portland is nice and I know I would really love it if I actually had a car so I could get around a little better and once I get acclimatized. I couldn't deal with the sweaty heat that was East Texas once again. I tried the summer there after living in Arizona for 10 years, and it about kicked my ass. I can imagine that Thailand and places like that were equally as bad, but you seemed to love those places, and I have to wonder if you would be over there visiting Pooky and checking on her to make sure she is safe.

You are a grandpa by proxy, did you know that? One of your girls had a baby. You would have been a fantastic grandpa and her mom and I both mourn the fact she wont know you except through stories and pictures that she has of you. I dont have any pictures of you. I have asked and asked mom to send me some, but she never does and each time they go unsent or forgotten, it is just a little more of a reminder to me that I am nothing to them, but that is okay, I still remember what you looked like, and when I look in the mirror, I see your eyes looking back at me, and I think that is what drove my family crazy.

I hope where ever you are, you are with the ones who love you as much as I do, and that you are happy. I remember you and I honor your memory as best I can. You held me together when the fractured pieces just wanted to scatter into the wind, and without you here, sometimes the glue isn't that strong anymore. You may have not been my father, but you raised me and gave me life and life without you in it just isn't the same.

Dear Roger; Insanity Runs In the Family, But I Think My Sister Got It The Worst

Finally heard from my crazy-assed sister last night, and let me tell you, she has won the contest when it comes to being the most masochistic or crazy. She got a boob job last week, but let me clarify things, it wasn't just a typical ,'Oh my GOD I have had a small herd of children and my boobs are sweeping the ground in front to me" type of boob job, Noo, it was an,"Oh my God I have had two tumors removed, I have had 2 other scares and I have a nuclear implant to monitor cell growth" kinda boob job. SO I can kinda understand. She had all her own breast tissue removed and she had fake boobage put in, but instead of having regular sized boobage stuff put in, she had DOUBLE D'S put in!! OH.MY. DOLLY PARTON! She also had liposuction done and they sucked all the extra fat away from around her gut and butt, and took her down to a size 2! That is soo cheating!She called to tell me all the horror stories that go along with her new boobs, such as the fact that each morning, the muscle contractions of her body cause the fake boob bags to creep up to under her collar bones and she has to manually reach up and push her boobs into place and they POP! back into the slots that they are supposed to fit into! My sis is tough. We are both really stalwart when it comes to pain, in fact we dont register pain normally, but she said last night," You know the kinda pain where you just sit there and think, well, somebody just fucking come shoot me now, cuz that cant hurt any worse than this crap? yeah...thats what this is like. I wouldn't do it again." I died laughing as she told me about how her doctor had sent her flowers and she knew something was up, she said, "Nobody sends flowers unless they fucked up, are fixing to piss you off, hurt you, or you are dying and dont know it." She said her doctor had sent her a really pretty flower arrangement and she knew something was up and sure enough when she went in for her first appointment after her surgery, that doc had grabbed the edge of that big, foam tape bandage and had jerked it really fast and pulled it off, and before my sis could even squawk, she had reached up and shoved her boobs down and told her,"Thats what you are going to have to do every day." and sis said she hollered " Bitch is that why you sent me flowers?" she said the doc just laughed and patted her hand.

My sis tells me she is planning on getting a surgical procedure every year on her birthday! I think she is freaking nuts. I only get surgery to fix crap that is broke, like knees and shoulders and wrists and things that I messed up, she is trying to fight the inevitable slide into middle age.

It was great to talk to her, she sounded good in spite of being in pain and dealing with trying to decide if they are going to stay in Texas or move to Bozeman. She changes houses and vehicles more often than some people change their shoes, but it makes her happy and she handles it well. I think getting her out of Texas all those years ago was the best thing I could have done for her. It was rough and we struggled for a while, but it saved us both.I wish she was closer sometimes so we could hang out more, but we have gone such separate directions in our lives. She found her happiness after years of struggling and suffering, and I am glad. She looked after my son when he was back there and gave him some good advice, and was often the positive role model he needed when he had no one else to talk to .

I told her about my writing, and she seemed genuinely glad to hear I was actually writing again. So many folks who know me are shocked that I am writing fiction again, I guess they thought I really was done for good, and honestly so did I, but I have gotten into it and I have been driven lately and hopefully it sticks around for a bit because its been good for me and I have really enjoyed it, even if it is a bit on the odd side.

Dear Roger; The Strangest Forms Of Therapy Work The Best

The banners you see are for a couple of stories I wrote.The bottom one was one chapter and it was the first and it was cathartic. That is what it is...catharsis. Writing this kinda stuff was suggested by a therapist as a way to deal with some of the pain. It seems to be helping and I have been writing my ass of lately and building a following. Not all of my writing is sad, some of it is actually funny. A friend from Twitter made me the banner and she is making me another one for my other story and hopefully for my funny one as well. I am kinda proud of what I have written, even if its a little strange for a middle-aged woman to be writing such things.

I feel kinda odd at times to be indulging the the 'fan fiction" medium and I really feel kinda odd about outing myself, but considering that I have been able to talk about and write about things that have eaten me alive from the inside for decades, well, maybe I shouldn't feel so damn weird about it.I did actually out myself to my boss about being a writer of it the other day, but only after she outed herself as a member of SCA. We stood in the stock room, both feeling weird and laughing at our social deformities, and realizing that we had something in common in our geekyness. I feel like I am healing some. I am still pretty much of a isolationist, and its hard for me to want to get out, but that has to do with being broke most of the time. I dont fly into rages or depressions as much as I used to, and I am able to socialize pretty easily as long as I dont feel crowded or pressured into situations that take me too far out of my element.

I had a nice talk with my oldest daughter last night. She turned 19 yesterday and I am so damned proud of her. She is the most practical of all of us, careful with money and she has a plan for her future and so far that doesnt include getting involved with any boys or anything else. She wants to get her education and then get her career started so she will be self reliant.She has seen me struggle and train wreck my life has been, and she wants to avoid that. She is artistic and super smart, so hopefully she will do well in whatever she decides to do.

Son had an interesting night last night. He has quite the dukes mixture of friends and its amusing to hear him talking to them because he changes his demeanor with each one. He has one friend who is a foster kid that is struggling with the system because they keep trying to return him to his abusive father and my son and him are really tight because son knows that stress all too well and I encourage my son to be there as a friend and sounding board, another friend is a lesbian girl that teases him mercilessly like a big sister would, and she is funny and he really likes her quite a bit and I think that could be a friendship that lasts a long time because their rapport is hysterical, in fact they could be a comedy team. The friend he was talking to late last night is a young gay guy that is the same age as my son and who is in a few classes with him. He recently came out and he was already friends with my son and as I expected, nothing changed in my sons mind. They were talking last night about the different cultures in the gay and straight world and my son was getting quite an education about what "flamboyant" meant and just what kind of signals he was sending off with some of his attire. He came out of his room one with the phone to his ear and he hugged me held the phone to his chest, and said,"You were right!" and went back to his room. I am guessing some of the clothing and attire tips I gave him were correct. Huh, who would have thunk it?