Dear Roger; The Ends and The Beginnings

Well the year is drawing to a close for us up here. We have made it almost 6 months up here on our own in the Northwest and it hasn't always been easy, but I think we are making some progress. We all seem to laugh and smile a lot more and I am waking up more days happy to still be here rather than wishing I hadn't woke up at all. I know that is a pretty shit attitude to admit to, but when your life was like the life I was living in Arizona, its kinda the brutal reality of the situation. I contemplated giving up more than a few times, and truthfully it was the fear of what would happen to my kids that kept me around. I dont worry about my kids so much anymore. They are doing good and we have all adapted. I still am glad for the distance from my ex. We maintain a peace that is best brokered over a long distance and I do worry a bit about this summer when I am forced to venture back to Arizona as part of the custody agreement, to let him see his daughter and so I can see my sons. I can only hope that the desire to see his child will make him behave, because I know that I will.

We are hanging in here as best we can financially. Money is always tight and we are always stressed about that, but with the new year, comes hope that I will be able to find a better job that actually pays a living wage. My son talks about getting a job, but he is only 15 and that is not going to happen. He needs to be focusing on his school and his guitar and just being a kid while he still can. He is my biggest expense, but that is to be expected, after all, he is growing like a weed and eats food like its free. He has finally found a type of music that really speaks to him and the way his face lights up as he hears a new song or he gets the chords down to one of his favorite songs from Spencer Bell, is something to behold. Its like he forgets all the bad things that have happened in his life and all the abuse and pain and deprivation just flow away from him and he is transformed into a boy just digging some music that makes him smile, until he misses a finger placement on a transition,(then he cusses), but its beautiful to behold and we have both had some wonderful conversations about things and laughed quite a bit. I enjoyed the hell out of pointing out that his new favorite song has the word , "boner" in it,he actually just shrugged and said,"Well, its a dudes song mom, duh!"

My writing is going well. I know I am not getting paid for it, yet, but thats not what matters to me. What matters to me is that I am writing again. I didn't think I would ever really be able to do it, to actually put stuff out there for public consumption and possibly ridicule. My reviews have been across the board fantastic and I have been floored. I got a review this morning that left me just sitting here dumbstruck, because I have never expected to be told I had "Serious talent" and that I "brought the Southern voice to life". This person went on to say that I made them "see the characters and feel their sense of isolation and longing to be loved and accepted." This wasn't some kid writing this review, this was a grown-assed, professional, educated, Southern woman, writing this about MY writing. Rog, I swear to God I had tears in my eyes. Who would have thought that someone would be saying things like that about my writing? Im still feeling pretty damn proud and if I had a printer I would be printing it out to frame and hang on my wall. Im going to have my ex dig out some of my art prints and photography that survived the great artistic hissy fit I threw and I am going to hang them up. I guess I need to show my son that yeah, artistry runs in his blood and I won awards for it, just like you did, so hes not some weird mutant by wanting to be a musician/actor(maybe the actor part)...except for his double-jointed thumbs thing, that has got to be mutant because that is just ...ewww!

Dear Roger:Teen Boys Define Things Differently

So yesterday was fun. We have been staying home because as per normal we are broke as hell and with the weather being crap, we have no place to go on top of it, so I decided to collect on my promised Christmas present from my son of his full and unwhiney cooperation for some nice family pictures. I have told you before that getting him to wear anything other than ratty, holey jeans and vaguely objectionable t-shirts is like asking him to remove his testes? Or say like getting me in a dress? We all know how that goes... but any way, he had promised, even pinky swore that he would cooperate so I gave him advanced warning after his midday shower that I was planning on doing pictures. He kept sitting and plucking away on his guitar and talking on the computer to his friends. I got sis cleaned up and dressed, I got cleaned up and dressed, then I started asking him, nicely, to please go get dressed. He started stalling and giving me excuses. I reminded him of his promise. He went snarky on me. "Jeesh mom! Dont freak out!" I again asked nicely and tried to emphasize that we had a limited window of good lighting and time to get them done. Then he went sullen. "Just quit talking to me, Im not going to do this is you are going to keep freaking out."

Now Rog, you know I am not a freak out kinda gal. I am very level headed, talk the psycho down, keep it all mellow and smooth kinda person. I would not still be alive if I wasn't because my ex would have slit my throat that day or Mike would have shot me, its as simple as that. I do not freak out. Its just not in my nature. However, I do have a point I reach where I see red. Where I get pushed so damn far that my temper takes over my brain and I do things like charge into fights with people twice my size or I just go a little berserk, but normally its almost impossible to make me reach that point. Only the little vato gang-banger that threatened my family has seen it in the last couple of years, and after the others pulled me away from him, it was all good, because it was a valid explosion. But apparently my teen son managed to push just the right buttons yesterday because I lost it. I didn't go after him, I didn't lay a hand on him. I did bounce my camera and glasses off the floor and I had to reset the door to my bedroom on its hinges,(at least I didn't jerk it off the frame like the one in Arizona), but I went into my room and I sat there listening to music until I calmed down, but I wanted to thrash the world around me. Now I understand why my mom used to beat the crap out of me so damn bad, teens will make you insane and she doesn't have the control I have or the training in how to manage the rage, so I was her favorite punching bag when I pushed her to that point. My son has my smart-assed attitude and sarcastic lip, but lucky for him he is a hell of a lot bigger than me and I vowed a long time ago to never be like my parents.

After I calmed down, I went back out to the living room and picked up my camera,(Canons are damn tough!)and my glasses and then I laid on the guilt. That seems to work well with him. I told him, "I dont normally freak out, raising my voice to be heard over all the commotion in the house is not freaking out, speaking sharply to you is not freaking out, what you saw there just a bit ago? That was a very mild stress out. If you had seen a full-fledged freak out of mine, things would be broken, and I would be most likely be in need of being held down. THAT is a freak out. Threaten my family, hurt my family, you get the freak out, piss me off, you just get what you saw."

I know you know what I am talking about with the whole temper thing, I remember the story about you clearing the bench at the football game that time where you took on half the damn team and it took 6 guys to hold you off. Temper much? Guess I get that from you, much like I get those little warning twinges in my chest that tell me to chill my ass out before I follow in your footsteps with a damn heart attack. So I did mellow out after that, we talked about it and I told him that he needed to realize that pictures were important to me because they are reminders of the ones we love, and sometimes when we lose the ones we love, thats all we have when the faces start to fade. I still dont have any pictures of you. Trina is supposed to go and try to swipe some from mom and dads for me. She said that they had all our family pictures just crammed in boxes under their bed, mixed up with all kinds of other crap and pictures of moms special friend "Lisa" (the chick that she wishes was her daughter instead of me), and her replacement granddaughter 'Little Jennifer", feel the resentment coming off of me there? Oh well you should, they are the ones who get the family trips to Disney Land and Hawaii and all the fun times while mine and Trina's kids get ignored. That bitch is on my parents bank accounts and all kinds of other crap. I just hope she is wanting to take care of them when they are old, because she is the favorite after all. Anyway, thus I digress, Trina said that pictures are just crammed in boxes with no rhyme or reason, so she is going to try to get me some of you and grandma and grandpa so I will have some. I finally have a picture of G, a friend was kind enough to send me one and it means so much to be able to see his face and remember him, young and vibrant and handsome. I wish he was smiling in the picture, because I remember he had the most beautiful smile, but at least I have the one picture of him to remind me that he lived, even if it was for a short time,and I loved him in only the way a girl in the throes of her very first crush could love.

So anyway, he cooperated for a little bit, though his idea of formal dress and my idea of formal dress are soo very different. I decided to just let him go with it. I had to be flexible because after all, Sis was not going to cooperate for hers at all unless Jackson was in them. Its going to be funny a decade or so from now when she out grows her crush on the young Mr.Rathbone, to show her all these pictures, including her school pictures, that have her with the stuffed monkey and remind her that she carried that thing with her almost everywhere and that it even had to be in family pictures. I will even remind her of the fit she threw when my friend refused to allow it to go to church with them. Sis had a full on melt down and had to be brought home early because she was afraid he was going to go to hell. Yeah, pictures are worth a 1000 words.

Dear Roger;I Think I Need Rehab For Adrenaline Addiction

I need the rush again. I find myself wandering through the channels on tv that have programs on them like ,"COPS" and I have been watching old sheriffs department training videos on youtube. I have been dreaming of the days when I was a cop or an EMT and I long for the days when I felt the rush of adrenaline on a pretty much daily basis. I enjoyed the thrill of the chase and the camaraderie of the team and all the excitement of either running a code or going on a call. It was always something different and the potential for danger was always there. I worked with guys and it was often a testosterone fueled environment where I was challenged to test myself and work harder and push myself to limits that even I didn't know I could meet. I miss the hanging out after, drinking beer and telling jokes and being part of a crew where I was treated as an equal because I acted as an equal. I never competed with the women because I didn't see them as my equals. So many of them that came through the departments were worried about appearances, or their hair or nails or they simply just could not hack it. I competed against guys, I worked, played, and fought with guys and I miss them. So many of them have moved on, left the fields we worked in, or even sadly died. Sometimes it feels like the best part of what is me has died. There is just no excitement or adrenaline in my life except for the small thrill I get when I finish a new chapter and post it or I see that I had over a thousand hits in a day on my stories, but beyond that, there is nothing. I miss the rush I used to get when I would have to get up and give a speech or presentation in front of an auditorium full of people. The last crowd I gave a speech to was over 350 people and I spoke for over 5 minutes which felt like forever, and got a standing ovation. I wish I hadn't gone so off the cuff with the speech, because it killed and I would have liked to have been able to use it again. It wasn't the same as kicking in a door and chasing after drug dealers, but it was still pretty exciting. I am going to try to get back into EMS once the damn holidays are finally over, I have to feed that beast because just sitting in an office would be slow death and there aren't many other options for me to feel the rush. I have quit drinking coffee for now, quit smoking for now, I couldn't get laid if I fell out of a chickens ass,I dont have a car so I cant go driving fast to scratch the itch, and I dont have a place to go shooting. Im like a walking bundle of tension and if I dont do something about it soon, something is going to explode and I have a feeling it just might be my head.

Dear Roger: "Queen of Negotiations?" I know you would say more like,"Bullshit Artist"

Its been a bit of a heady morning. Its pouring freaking rain, the kids are driving each other crazy and to top it off, the internet and cable and all that connects us to the world got cut off. They tend to do that when you dont pay the damn bill. But, you know when you live on less money in a month than most normal people make in a week, sometimes you have to make tough choices, but what really sucked is I was like 3 days away from having the money in the account to cover the damn bill! Arrgh! Soo when daughter started freaking out and rolling around on the floor chewing on her foot because we are trapped in here due to the buckets of rain that are falling out of the sky, and we have no car and no where to go and no money, and she doesn't even have a coloring book right now, I decided to take a chance and see if they would negotiate with me. Of course I got a woman of color, and so I just laid it out to her, told her the entire situation and I could hear the ,"Bitch you KNOW you can afford this shit" in her voice, but I kept sweet talking and negotiating with her and she finally said,"Alright! let me see what I can do!" 2 minutes later it came on. Dont know for how long, but hopefully until its a little closer to the time when I can actually pay the damn bill. Damn I am tired of being this fucking broke. I worked, volunteered, served and destroyed my body in public service and I have an education and degree and all kinds of abilities, but I just cant seem to find anything. I have always been able to talk myself out of a situation. I think that is how I kept the ex from just slitting my throat that day. I was doing some fast talking and I dont even remember what all I said, but it must have been the right things, because instead of following thorough and pushing the blade harder, he eased it off. I have been able to talk way bigger people than me into handcuffs when I was a cop, and all kinds of people into all kinds of things when I was a medic, so it has served me well, though sometimes it fails or I encounter someone who is immune to my bullshit artistry. I should have followed through and become a lawyer, I would probably at least be able to pay some bills on time by now.

We got sis's 100 Monkeys dvd yesterday and it was the sunshine in our rainy day once again. We sat huddled on the couch around my sons computer because its the only thing we have that will play a dvd, and we watched enraptured. I was stunned when it opened. I could not have asked for a more perfect beginning for my baby girls Christmas present than for that dvd to open with the concert at the Voodoo donuts, complete with her smiling face in the crowd and the first song being her favorite song,"Shy Water". She squealed and went hopping around the room freaking out and I burst into tears,(yeah, I went totally freaking girly) I swear to God I wish I could have hugged the necks of everyone of those boys right then because that was just soo damn perfect. Son was even choked up as he said,"Thats soo cool". I still get choked up telling folks about it. Daughter was ecstatic about the video and we sat and watched it and laughed so damn hard at some of the silliness. It was a perfect end to our holiday and will be treasured for many years to come. It was another perfect day of sunshine for us courtesy of a bunch of ragtag monkeys.

Dear Roger; Monkey Envy and Realizations

So things are starting to get back to our version of normal. We took down the tree yesterday and put away the few decorations we had put up and I cooked an average dinner last night.Today I am going to brave a grocery store to get some sugar and milk and stuff that we have been out of for a few days. Its been pretty cold outside and rainy, so no real desire to go anywhere for me, but being chronically anemic makes me alway freaking cold, so its not like its a pleasurable experience to go outside when its cold enough to freeze the ass off a brass monkey.

Monkeys...that has been the theme of this whole year it seems. The concert that brought us here, the music of the strange little band that has been our light in the dark times, and daughters love of the cute little rock star that has been endearing and heartbreaking, and now we have stuffed monkeys everywhere. There is her favorite standby,"Jackson" that goes everywhere with her and that is tucked in with her every night, to the newest addition,"Sarah" . She names them all and can tell you all their names and personality quirks.Shes a funny kid. The musical instruments that she got for her gifts were a huge hit with her, and she has been practicing them almost constantly...CONSTANTLY. I walked into my room once last night and she was playing the harmonica, beating on a bongo with one hand, shaking a maraca with the other and playing the tambourine with her foot, I just left her to it.

Son has been working on playing the guitar quite a bit, and he is experimenting with all the different techniques and styles of picking and playing and sometimes it sounds pretty cool, others it makes me cringe for the poor guitar. He sings quite a bit as well, so music is hugely important around here. Somebody is always listening or singing or playing it somewhere in the apt, even at night. Daughter knows our favorite band is back on tour and she has asked me a dozen times , "Mom can we go?" But they are being pretty smart right now, their young butts are down South where normally its pretty moderate this time of year, but the South just got nailed with a huge storm, so they are on the road in snow and all kinds of mess and daughter knows it. She was pretty solemn last night as she was saying her prayers and as she got to her a"And God bless"...she named off every one of those boys in the band and asked
"that they be kept safe."Shes got a good heart, and even when she s ticked off at her brother, it hurts her heart to be upset with him. I hope we get to see them again before they get too hugely popular, Mtv is sniffing around after them and it looks like this may be their year to really shine, so the time of fun, intimate concerts in the sunshine of parking lots may soon give way for the screaming mayhem of arenas and thats kinda sad in a way, but im happy they are getting recognized for the good thing that they are.

I came to a realization yesterday, since I have started writing, the worst of my migraines have stopped. No smelling blood, no nausea and vomiting, no dizziness, no loss of my color vision, no pain that makes me feel like my eyeballs are crawling out of my head. I still have hideous tinnitus, sometimes bad enough to block out most other sounds, but the worst of the migraines have faded. Being able to release my artistic beast is helpful, I think that is what fuels the worst of the migraines, keeping it subdued or starved down, but allowing my mind to just put down some of my ideas and get them out has been fun for me, and I am thriving on the feedback that my stories have gotten. Its a little scary, throwing things like that out in the world, but compared to the migraines that had ripped my skull apart for the last few years, its nothing.

Dear Roger;Pulling Miracles Out Of My Ass? Just Another Day For Me

Well, We made it through Christmas. How sad to think of it that way, but when you look at the holiday with dread because you know its going to be full of stress due to hopes and dreams that you aren't going to be able to meet as a parent, well...it kinda becomes that. The ex was lucky back in AZ, word got around to the Baptist church that his folks used to belong to that he had been off work for awhile and had been struggling, and even though he hadn't darkened their door in over 20 years, the church brought them a gift card to a local grocery store and gifts for the kids, and then they got the local fire department involved and they adopted them they brought the kids a whole bunch of presents for Christmas and more gift cards! THATS what churches are supposed to do. I remember that church that adopted them too, its not the fanciest church in Flag either, its a rather small, nondescript looking building that often has a parking lot filled with lower end cars. Guess it goes to show that the spirit lives in less ornate digs .

The kids church up here did nothing other than the performance that the little kids put on. No potluck, no get together, no nothing. I got invited to go to a performance of a play at a local Baptist church and a get together and I wanted to go,but couldn't get things to work out. I was explaining to my son how a church treats its lesser and poorer members says a whole lot about the church as a whole, and I could see that it was making an impact with my son. I am a big believer that with churches, bigger is not better.

I made some tough executive decisions and I robbed Peter to pay Paul, so I managed to scrape together enough money to buy a few things for my kids and friends. It wasn't a whole hell of a lot, but it made me feel better. My kids seems really happy and even though we ended up not having a fancy Christmas dinner, or dinner at all, the kids had a great day thanks to our friends.Some new friends brought over some Christmas candy and me a present and for the first time since I have been up here I have some candles for my house! I found my rampaging beasts off the chocolate and actually got to enjoy some of it and I am thrilled I actually have another real life friend.

We went over to our other friends house for brunch and they had a bunch of presents for us including a MICROWAVE! Finally after all this time we have a microwave! It was great. They really went all out for my kids and it was soo appreciated. I came home afterwards to relax while the friends took the kids up to Mt Hood to go sledding. I enjoyed the peace and quiet and the time to read and work on my writing. It was a stressful few days leading up to Christmas and I am glad to see it over and done with for the most part.

Daughter is still waiting for her dvd of the 100 Monkeys tour, but the letter that I wrote to her (from Santa) explaining that the dvd was late because it got held up by a pack of monkeys, really impressed her. She loves the new stuffed monkey and she has been carrying around the card almost constantly. I got her a small music set, so now she is armed with a harmonica, tambourine, drum/bongo, maracas and the ability to drive me insane. She has been practicing almost constantly on the harmonica and I had to search her before she left for church this morning to make sure she wasn't smuggling it out with her.

I got son a bunch of guitar stuff so he was happy. He has a capo now and some new strings so he can quit blaming the off sounds coming out of the guitar on "Bad" strings. He was in a pretty good mood for the entire holiday, and we had some nice talks, in the little time he has been around, so maybe if he actually is around over the next few days we will get to talk some more.I got aggravated with him a little bit because he took off on Christmas eve with GF's family. They way I grew up and was raised, that was not done. That time was for family and I would have liked to have enjoyed some time with my son, maybe cooking some dinner and talking nicely, but no, instead we ended up fighting and stressed out because he was waiting for them and then leaving to go God knows where, but away from his family. Sis and I ended up just hanging out together and having a plain dinner. It was kind of a bummer too, feeling like I had to rush through the little bit of Christmas shopping I got to do, he was sitting at home waiting on me and getting aggravated, and it just put a damper on the whole damn day an make me resentful and angry. I mean, who the hell messes with other peoples families on Christmas Eve uninvited? Makes me miss the South and Southern manners even more. He is planning on going to some thing with that church that he belongs to and that is turning into a bit of a deal as well. It started off it was $20 for whatever they are doing,(EVERYTHING with that church costs) and then it went to $25, well last night, he tells me, its now $32! What the hell? I know adults that are going out on New Years that aren't spending that damn much. Hes not going to be drinking, last time he went to one of their things and took sodas, he didn't even get any, so what the hell? That will clean us out for cash, because of course it has to be paid in advance. I really wish he would find a nice Methodist church to belong to, it wouldn't cost as much and I think the folks would have more in common with us.

So now we are approaching the New Year. I told son that we are going to sit down and come up with some resolutions that will make some differences for all of us, and I think one we really need is that more respect needs to be paid to the fact that we are a family and he needs to remember that, I try to remember that he is a young man trying to have a life, but he also needs to remember that his life is with us first and foremost. Hopefully when he is in Texas this summer with kin, he will remember the importance of that.

Dear Roger; Dont Mind Me, I'm Just Having A Pity Party of One

I hate the holidays. There, I said it, out loud,(snort!) if you know why I snorted you are as big of a dork as I am so shut the hell up. You want to know why I hate the holidays? Well? Do ya? I bet you really dont, but you will humor me because you were always like that, you would listen to me rant and piss and moan about shit and then you would give me some sound and sage advice, call me "numbnuts" or "Futzface" or something like that and either punch me in the shoulder or muss up my hair and tell me to get over myself, because in the whole grand scheme of the great big universe, my problems weren't even a tiny little blip, and if I didn't let them eat me, maybe I could do something that would leave a blip someday. But I forget that advice when you aren't here to remind me this time of year. Things start to grind on me and when you have little kids its worse.

I trot out to the mailbox everyday, hoping against hope that we have some boon from nowhere, that we have gotten a card from the kids grandparents have come through and sent them cards or that friends have at least sent us their family Christmas letters telling us what a great year they have had or that some secret Santa sent us a card, but every day there is nothing. No brightly colored envelopes unless they are late notices or bills, and daughter has noticed. She asked me today, "How come we dont get cards at Christmas, doesn't anybody remember us or love us?" Holy Fuck, Rog! I just died inside a little. She is getting old enough to notice. We have almost nothing under the tree. We have the two presents she made at school and I managed to stash a plastic harmonica for her, and a pair of cheap sunglasses as well a a couple of really cheap things I got a few months back, but son is getting almost nothing. The check I have coming from work will have to pay for the damn washer and dryer payment on Friday or we will lose it, so I cant go buy him anything else, so he had a crappy birthday and is going to have a crappy Christmas. I tried local social service agencies, but I guess you have to have been expecting to be broke 3 months in advance or you have to be professionally poor because it was a waste of time. There will be no Marine corp Santas at our door step on Christmas.

I have been avoiding my usual websites and haunts because I just feel so damn out of touch with all the happy people talking about all the food and celebrations and parties. I haven't been to any, nor asked to any. I feel so damn isolated and alone its not even funny, and add to that how much I miss my other two sons and its just a recipe for a perfect storm of a really black depression. I am just lost and I dont even know what to do and thats a hard place for me to be, I am used to being able to fix things for my kids, riding to the rescue and pulling a miracle out of the shit at the last minute, and thats just not going to happen this year and I guess I am feeling like giving up. Daughter misses her brothers and said she wishes she was home in Flag with them, and as horrible as that felt to hear, I really cannot blame her. Son got to go with friends to the beach and he called and said he wants to stay longer, and I told him to go ahead because anything has got to be more fun than just sitting here listening to everyone on tv celebrating and seeing those around us happy and enjoying shopping and all the goodies when we are worrying about keeping the electric on through the end of the damn month.

I am not fit company for man nor beast at the current time, so I guess its good that me and daughter are here by ourselves, I just wish for her sake that for once in her life the holidays could be like she sees on tv and that what every one builds them up to be, instead of nothing but stressed out me and disappointment.