Robert was my favorite cousin. Rogers on vacation this week.
Cuz, you have been in my mind a whole bunch lately. I dont know why, perhaps its because there are so many pictures of that young fella that resembles you that tend to flow across my Tumblr dash, or maybe its all the changes in the world that have come about since you left it, but damn…I wish you were here to see things now.
I keep replaying the last time we were together. Grannys funeral in Midland, such a sad and tense affair. Nobody was expecting you or me to put in an appearance, and I wouldnt have, but sis pretty much kidnapped me and promised me she would run interference with the rest of the clan.
I was so damn happy to see you when I stepped out of the truck into that blast furnace of Texas heat. You looked like you hadnt aged a day from the last time I saw you, and I knew you would be the one with the whiskey that would be necessary to get through dealing with family.
Finding that plant in the waiting area that had leaves that looked like marijuana leaves? Hell! How could they not expect the two of us to get the giggles? Granny would have appreciated the humor of the situation.
I couldnt believe you didnt think I would want to drink after you outta your flask! What the hell? The only worry I even had about drinking with you was that you were going to drink the last of it before I got to it.
Sitting on the steps of the funeral home with you after the service, I can remember how good you smelled. It was nice to share a smoke and your flask, and every time I have a drink of whiskey and a smoke now I remember you.
Watching you walk away to your truck that day, if I had known it was going to be the last time I ever saw you, I would have told you that I loved how we were the black sheep of the family together. That I forgave you for that time you talked me into head butting that mean-assed goat of grannys and then laughing at me when she knocked my ass out cold. That I was brave enough to venture out on my own from Texas because you had done it first. You were the first person I ever knew who was gay, and I know you went through hell growing up in West Texas, but you always kept that dry sense of humor that hid the pain.You made me a braver person, and a more empathetic and compassionate person. You also made me the kind of person that will go after anyone with blood in my eye when I hear them yell the word,”Faggot” at someone just trying to live their life.
I never knew until recently that my own father was cruel to you, but I cant really say I am surprised. I was told that you knew I adored you and that brought me a lot of comfort, because I wasn’t told you were gone until after you were buried. That was my father at work. We have issues that wont be solved in this lifetime I am afraid.
You wondered why I was crying that day as we were drinking? I knew what it meant when you said your t-cells had dropped. Time was short, I just didnt know how short.
I have done my best to raise my kids to know about you. My oldest son has heard all the stories about the trouble me and you used to get into when we were around each other, and how you tried to talk me into running off to Houston with you instead of getting married the first go round. I really should have gone with you, it would have been a hell of an adventure.
My youngest daughter has been hearing stories about you lately, and I know you would have loved her. She adores the lil fella I mentioned earlier,he is a bit on the ambiguous side of things many in the entertainment industry seem so adept at working. She has seen him all done up as a girl a couple of times and instead of being all upset and disgusted or not liking him anymore, her only comment on it was,”Oh Jackson, PINK is not the best color!” She never even batted an eye beyond that. All my kids are open minded like that, even my jock of a teen son who spent time living with my father still managed to maintain his open minded, live and let love attitude.
Been working on repairing all the damage my father did to the relationship with that part of the family, and if all goes as planned, I am going to try and come see you this Summer and maybe we can share a flask again, talk about old times and maybe this lost black sheep can take some comfort that you live on in lots of good ways.I aint bringing you any flowers though, I did save a extra leaf from that plant from the funeral home.If I stick it to your headstone, do you think you will rank as the top black sheep again?
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