Dear Roger, How in the Hell Do Teen Boys Survive to Adulthood?

Words cannot really describe the sound that I made as I was starting typing this entry other than it was a combination of a groan,deep sigh, growl, whine and exasperated whine. I spent the day with Chance and his best buddy, my best friends son, running around Portland looking at apartments and trying to get stuff done, with TRY being the operative word. It took them until noon to drag their sorry asses out of bed, and then they both spent forever in the bathroom trying to get their hair and whatever just right. I would have had them up and out of the house sooner, but we had a bit of trauma when I walked into the boys room without knocking first thing in the morning thinking that I would just just rouse them out and we would hit the road early. The trauma will hopefully fade with therapy for me and for my son, and I will knock from now on, but he wore dark sunglasses most of the day and refused to look me in the eye or even talk directly to me for the big part of it. It just kinda cemented my belief that boys are icky and kinda weird.

When we finally left the house I told them that we were taking Stevie to see,'The Last Airbender" as I had promised her before we left Flagstaff, and both the guys groaned and asked if they could go see a movie that men would like, and I told them that when I found a man I would have to ask him what that would be, but until then they were coming with us, so then they started teasing Stevie about her adoration of all things Rathbone, and arousing her ire to the point that she ended up wrapped up around her brothers head punching and biting his ear until he yelled for help and I threatened to make everyone go back to the house and sit on their bed if they didnt stop with the shenanigans. The boys started yelling, "Free Penis" out the window of the car at random people as we drove through Portland and I ended up putting up Chances head in the back window in an attempt to get him to stop. When we got to the theater they settled down a bit, and then it was Stevies turn to get a bit out of hand as she Squeed! and hopped up everytime his royal Rathboniness popped up on the screen, and her brother just about had to sit on her to keep her quiet. When the moon princess died and he was sad, Stevie started crying,"Hes sad mommy!,I dont like him to be sad!" and I had to console her until she calmed down as people were looking at me like I was some kinda bad mom for having such a tiny fangirl. The boys grunted and groaned and pissed and moaned about the movie not following the cartoon and generally bitched and moaned about not liking the movie based on the "Pattinson principal" but now they have changed it to the 'Twilight principal" based on that any movie that has a guy from the Twilight series has to suck, just because. But then Chance surprised the hell out of me and said, "Well, I gotta change that because I like 'Remember me", that was a damn good movie." I about wrecked the freaking car and we all turned and looked at him and his buddy punched him and said,'Dude, your just gay for that dude cuz hes hot". The whole car when to hell at that point and I had to park because one dude calling another "Hot" had occurred and accusations of deviance and all kinda things that went against the 14 y/o male bro code had happened so I pulled Stevie up front and let them hash it out in the back for a few.

After masculinity and jock status had been reaffirmed, we decided to go for Chinese for lunch and we went down to the Gorge which is really a cool viewing area for the river and they have a nice Chinese place on the corner. We sat and the lady came up and promptly dumped a full glass of iced water in Chances lap on accident. Hilarity ensued and we all laughed ourselves silly. We let the poor lady know that it wasn't a problem, and after we stuffed ourselves with awesome lo mein, I even tipped her extra for the comic relief.

We shopped a little bit, drove around listening to music alot,(if I hear Katy Perrys California Girls one more time I may voluntarily rupture my ear drums), and I even managed to embarrass my son by dancing. I figure I have the right to be as embarrassing as possible, especially since he seems to enjoy doing things like trying on bras and booty shorts in stores, grabbing up giant Kiwis and tossing them to me and yelling, "hey mom, didn't you want to get your hands on some Monkey Balls?" or farting and letting me walk into it, so the least I could do was dance badly for him and his friend in a very public place, and be THAT kinda mom as best I could be.

Dear Roger, Flying Sock Monkeys and Stinky P's Rules for Brother

I awoke this morning to a sock monkey smacking me upside the head. Sharing a bed with a 6 year old is always an adventure, and considering she sleeps like a starfish, getting whacked by 'Josh" was one of the milder things that could have happened. We have had a busy few days and getting out and looking for a place to live and jobs has made the time fly past us like nobodies business!

We are all enjoying being here and I broke down and bought Chance a new skateboard yesterday so that he could get out and have some fun with his friend. I am amazed at the wide range of stuff that can be found around here! I can actually buy cute clothes right off the rack and that makes me soo damn happy! When you have had to buy bras in the,"Freakishly large, must be older woman" section of Victoria Secrets, for years, with your choices limited to black,white, tan, or ewww leopard print, finding bras by Joe Boxer in your size(36D) with all the cool designs, just tends to make your day,week,month and even year!I now have a tartan plaid one with smiley faces on both boobs and one with skulls and crossbones and little metal studs. I also found undies in small and extra small with cool designs and jeans in size 1 and 3, right on the rack! I know that I am in heaven now!

The weather was interesting yesterday and it is pretty weird to be wearing a hoodie and douche hat in the middle of July, but it was chilly in the morning and the moisture up here has sent my hair into absolute seizures! It sticks up all over and looks like a demented rooster has taken up residence on my head. I am not alone in my suffering, Chances hair is totally out of control and his curls poof out all over the place no matter what he puts on them, and he just sighs deeply and waffles between wanting to shave his head or grow it all out and let it be shaggy, but mostly he wears his weird little hat all over the place.He has finally given up the super skinny legging type of skinny jeans,(THANK GOD!) and is wearing more normal fitting jeans though still pretty tight, and he is showing this cocky side of his personality that I thought Ed had beaten out of him.I am glad to see it survived, because that cocky little Texan personality is what has defined our family for generations and I am glad to see he carries it on. He flirts shamelessly with girls and shows off his athleticism pretty much any time he gets the chance, and then he shows off his tender side by doting on his little sister. I saw that in action at the mall when he was walking around holding her hand and she spotted a display for Eclipse and went running over. There were a bunch of tweeny girls there and they thought she was soo cute because she was making over 'Edward" and "Jasper" and she knows waaay too much for a 6 year old about the movies, and he came walking up, and she turned to him and told the girls,"This is my big brother Chance, and he saw the movie with my mom, but hes cooler than either of these guys.", and the girls just said,'AWWW!" how cute as Chance gave them his best ,"Aww shucks ma'am" and turned on the Texan so thick that I think my granny spun in her grave a little. He left that little scene with 3 new phone numbers in his phone and a new appreciation for his baby sister.

Trying to find a place to live in a good school district is a little trickier around here, I dont want him to end up in a giant school with problems, and I am even considering putting him in a private Lutheran High School that his friend goes to , the only problem with that is that its in a part of town that I wont live in, and until I either buy another car or get the train line figured out, we are kinda limited. I am looking to live on either Burnside, or Powell or even Eastlake, but not too far out so that I am near to the colleges and the city centers for jobs and just things to do. My friend Susan has other ideas because the thought of living in the city and near all the weirdness kinda freaks her out, but I actually get stresses about the thought of living away from all the action. Its an interesting balancing act and hopefully we will get it sorted soon, I have 5 potential places picked out, I just have to figure out the school situations for the kids.

Dear Roger, Monkey Balls and Finding Home,or Another Day in Paradise

We have finally found our home.Not so much our new address, but our new home.We arrived in Portland on Sunday to bright and sunny skies and beautiful scenery and my friends were at the train station to pick us and our 7 bags of up. The train ride was an adventure with lots of interesting things to see and people to hang out with, and on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most horrible experience ever, I would only give it a 2. I have bruises on both of my hips from trying to sleep in the seats, and I had to wear the same boots and jeans for 3 days, as well as go without a shower, but I have experienced worse. The kids seem to do really well, and being able to see most of California without having to drive through it was pretty nice, though I would have liked to have stopped and played in the Ocean for awhile at Point Conception.

Being around my friend Susan again has been great for me. Chance and I had a fit of giggles on the train when we both realized that she is my own personal "Alice", the character from Twilight. She is a very girly girl, into dressing up and always trying to get me to dress more girly and she lives to shop! I wanted to see the weird side of Portland, so she takes me to Hawthorne street and shopping, and then to the mall and shopping, and we have been to pretty much every store in the area. She is fantastic with the Stinky Princess and fixes her hair and her clothes and does girly stuff with her, and hopefully she will work on her and let me and my grungy fashion sense be.

She got me to try some different things up here including a type of drink called,'Bubble Tea", a concoction where the put tapioca balls into some blend of tea and fruit juices. I got one of those things in my mouth as I took a sip and I about spit all over the mall! It was disgusting and slimy and all kinds of weird, and of course the 'balls in the mouth"jokes started right away,(kinda hard to avoid with two 14 year old boys hanging around with you), and it was like a race to see who could come up with the more inappropriate jokes and make us laugh the hardest, it got to the point that the boys faces were so red that they looked like they were gonna explode, I was laughing so hard people were staring and Susan had tears running down her face as the Stinky Princess looked up at Chance and said,"Dont you like balls in your mouth?" We decided to leave the mall at that point because security was coming to see what the commotion was all about. We also found that using a straw you can shoot the balls a good 20-30 feet at whatever you found as a target.

During our wanderings we found some toys for Stinky, including a couple of stuffed animals. She wants a sock monkey, but we found a soft kitty and a really cool looking little monkey with a tail that is kinda small and just the right size to carry around and annoy people with, so it became out mascot for the day and everyone took turns doing weird stuff with this goofy stuffed animal! Susan was about ready to kill me as we where headed up Burnside and I kept slowly moving the monkey into her line of vision saying,"Do you want to spank the monkey?" SPANK IT!!! and making the boys just die with laughter. It was totally stupid, but we were high on just having a good time and we looked at apartments and schools and all kinds of things and just enjoyed being around each other . Chance is acting like a new kid, now that he is around is best friend again, and he is going the first part of August for a week to the coast for church camp and I am glad he is going to get out and become part of something again.

The concert we are going to is coming up soon and we are getting excited! I would love to take my friend, but I dont know if she would really enjoy all the craziness that goes along with that kind of crowd. The Avett bros. are going to be here next week and I know she would love them, but the tickets are waay expensive, so we are going to have to miss them this time around, but maybe next year.

My boys and ex are doing okay. It was hard to leave them but they are happy and I know that they will be doing good once school gets started and the routine is back up and running, I just hope that the ex can keep it together, after all, I set it all up for him to succeed all he has to do it try hard and put in some earnest effort.

I havent had any nightmares lately and I am sleeping better. In fact I am planning on stepping down the dosage on my seizure meds pretty soon as well as my Topamax, to see if the change in altitude allows me to go off of them altogether. Because its not a bright up here and my eyes dont get blasted as much, I have already had fewer headaches and I feel GREAT! Except for my left knee, and that just needs to be rebuilt or replaced, there are no two ways about it.

I miss Fergus. I know he is a great help with the boys and they love him too, but my big drool baby whined for me the first night I was gone, and the ex says he has looked for me, that broke my heart. I miss him soo much and strangely that has been the one thing to bring me to tears over this whole move. I am looking for an apartment that will allow me to have him, and as my companion animal/therapy dog for PTSD, I figure that most will have to, but then going back and getting him is going to be a logistical nightmare, but I just cant see me coping too long without him.

We are going out today to look at more places and to just be tourists for a bit. Portland is wonderful and the people are interesting and I am finally feeling at home and mostly at peace.

Dear Roger, Grannys Wooden Spoon or The Crazy Eye Comes Naturally

My Granny has been on my mind a lot lately, and I dont really know why, other than my dad and I have finally reached an understanding about a lot of things and while neither one of us may approve of the others decisions, we both have realized that we are flawed individuals that have survived a lot of foul shit, mainly because one woman imbued us with the pure cussedness and will to fight on and survive no matter what life may throw at us; mainly his mother;Dorothy Mae Wallace.

My granny was the oldest daughter of 13 kids, her father was a Scotsman and her mother was a mostly Comanche woman from out in the middle of nowhere West Texas. She was essentially handed off to my papas family when she was 13 because they were starving and couldn't afford another daughter and my papa and her were already fond of each other. Pa was 16 when she came to his family and they were married soon after, and then they waited until she was 19 before she had her first kid, but in the mean time she was a ranch hand, helping my papa break ranch horses, work stock and manage the ranch. She was fierce and tough and there were stories about her shooting wildcats and coyotes from horseback, standing up to cattle thieves, and being virtually unseatable from any type of bronc that the ranch could find for her to try. My favorite picture of my granny is of her in front of the little ranch foremans house that she and my papa had out on the ranch they ran for some rich oil man, and my aunt is in the picture so my granny is probably 21 or 22, and she has what my sis always refers to as 'Chinese eyes" because due to the native blood her features are kinda Asian looking, but she is just looking larger than life and tough and carefree and my pa is standing there next to her, looking all cool and tough in his authentic cowboy gear, but he looks smaller and not quite as tough as my granny, and really, she ran the show. My granny raised 2 kids, and a husband out in the middle of the brutal West Texas middle of nowhere, and she made it look easy always cooking meals that cousins would break out in fist fights over,all while rocking the typical West Texas hair and immaculate nails. They lived in Monahans, Midland,Odessa, Abilene, and finally Bryson.My granny kept papa going as his 6 brothers passed, she never wanted for anything and never doubted pas devotion to her because I think he was just a little scared she would end him in his sleep if he ever even looked at another woman, but truth be told he doted on her, buying her a new car every year and jewelry that kept the diamond mines working 24/7.

They were never amongst the super rich, that was papas brother Charlie and his horse racing "trash" wife as my granny called them, but they were comfortable and never wanted for anything except more time with each other and their family.

My granny was the toughest damn woman I ever knew, she was plain spoken and often could leave a mark with her tongue that either made you try harder or made you just want to curl up and cry, though she wasnt cruel, she just wasnt one to blow smoke up your ass and she could not stand laziness or whinyness or weakness, even in herself, and that is why she fought so damn hard against her body when it started failing her. Cancer cuts a deadly swath through that part of my kin along with diabetes and heart disease, and she managed to get the deadly triad, but even with all three chewing at her, she still kept the house clean, took care of papa and tried to tell people to mind their own damn business when they tried to tell her to take it easy. God knew he had to sneak up on her and get her when she wasnt looking, and sure enough, he took her with a sudden, massive heart attack one morning.

Her funeral was the last time my whole family ever got together and I found out there that she had known all along that my cousin Robert,(my favorite cousin and the one I was always closest to) was gay, and though we had been scared she would be less than understanding, it turns out that she had been paying for his Aids medications for years. I dont know what made me cry harder, finding out she knew all along or finding out that Rob had AIDS, but either way, I lost him less than 6 months later when he went to bed with a bottle of Patron silver and his partner of 20 years and never woke up down in Cabo on vacation. I like to think that he went out happy and snuck up on like granny did. I havent been back to Texas since I lost them, and my family kinda went to shit after they passed. My other cousins just bickered and fought over the estate and lost sight of what family was about, and from the sounds of things, no one had even tended the graves other than Robs partner, so I figure there is no great loss to be shed of them, but I would like to know what became of my grannys relatives and her siblings and the ties to the Comanche tribe. Granny never spoke much about them and papas documents got scattered to the four winds, so tracing any kind of family tree may be next to impossible, but everytime I see those slanty eyes and that cockeyed glare that makes me want to start ducking and dodging the dreaded wooden spoon that I currently have custody of, I have to wonder, cuz?

My sis gets the spoon now, I no longer own a home or a vehicle! I sold the van to the ex today and I hand him the deed tomorrow after a week of epic knock-down drag out battles that made me want to hurt someone or something. I got him to agree to let me take my baby girl with me, and I am leaving him my two sons for the school year until I am settled in with a house. I bought 3 tickets on Amtrak leaving here Friday night and we arrive in LA Saturday morning for a couple of hours and then onto Portland by Sunday afternoon with hopefully enough money left to get a good start. Its scary as hell, but also freeing. I have wanted to run for years and now I am doing it, I dont know if granny would approve, but I know she is the one that gave me the courage to try and start over after everything that I have put up with over the last decade, though my granny probably woulda made the bastard bleed a little first.

Dear Roger,I am Cougar,Hear me Roar!

Being the parent of an adolescent boy is like navigating a minefield,drunk, blindfolded, in a hurry while someone blasts really bad screamo music at you. I swear, my son alternates between an Emo,ambi-sextrous, basketcase and a Texas redneck that is both confused and a little irritated by me, his middle-aged crazy,raring to go out and recapture her youth by running full-tilt into my mid-life crisis, mom.

We engage in ongoing prank wars with each other, he hacks my twitter account and posts cryptic messages,I threaten to post his naked baby pictures, or create havoc with his hair dye job after he hides my favorite pair of cowboy boots and the Gorilla glue in a failed attempt to glue them to the ceiling of my bedroom. We swap clothes back and forth because we are weirdly enough the same size right now, except for his bizarrely large feet and hands,(im really glad he cant wear my boots because the boy is hell on shoes),we talk music and movies and about all kinds of other things, and he even seems to like hanging out with me on occasion.He admitted that he had fun at the Eclipse premier and he has even been throwing out random quotes at times just to crack me up.We share hair care product, skin care tips and even the occasional semi-dirty joke, but when it comes to me even alluding to the fact that I would someday, somehow, like to date again,he gets really upset with me, not because I want to date, but because of what I want to date. I only date younger men. By younger I mean aged 23-33 max,No older, no younger, and that horrifies him for some weird reason. I dated a 25 year old guy for a while and it was FUN! He was vibrant, energetic, he had a sense of humor and he had STAMINA, all the things that make life fun and that were missing out of the last ten years of my life.

My ex was all about cruelty, sarcasm, being a stick in the mud, humiliating and making fun of me, and less than satisfactory aspects of other things...(You get what I mean?) after all he was often asleep in his damn chair before the evening news and I was just here to take care of the house and the kids and bring in a paycheck, so I have had it with older men. I am looking for the goofy, funny, silly, not afraid to dance, not afraid to get lost in the moment, laugh or just run around in the rain or roll in the grass, tell a dirty joke, jump in the mosh pit, get a tattoo, be spontaneous and foolish and fun, kinda guy that still is tight and firm in all the right places.He doesn't have to be a keeper, im not looking for the love of my life, after all, I am pretty sure he died a long, long time ago on the side of that road in Texas, but a cute lil fella to spoil and have fun with, and to go DANCING with,(GOD! its been over TEN years since Ive been dancing!)and im not particular about year, make or model,as long as it falls between the parameters. But Chance seems to think that only men should be able to date younger women! He has taken to calling me "Cougar" pretty much constantly, and he even changed my phones ringtone to a cougar roar, which kinda backfired on him because I really like it and it annoys the snot out of him when he forgets about it and I have it set on high and it goes off and scares the snot outta him or prompts the dogs to attack him if he has jacked it and stuck it in his pocket or underwear to keep me from taking it back from him.

My son has girlfriends, a disturbing amount of them to be sure, and he spends way to much time texting, calling, im'ing, or all three at the same time, to multiple girls and they send him messages telling him how ,'Hot" and such that he is and all kinds of other wrong things about my lil monkey boy(one of his more politically correct, non-Texas,freak out all the liberal hippy, baby names) the other was "Pecker" that was given to him by his West Texas great-granny and was banned by my ex when my son started the hippy school here in Flagstaff and people from California didn't know that many Texas children grow up with very strange baby names bestowed on them by granny's and do not become ax murderers or have abusers as parents, but if I call him Pecker nowadays, he just rolls his eyes at me and tells me that if I am going to call him his baby name, we have to move to Texas so at least he wont have to kick peoples asses over it.

He accuses me of having a dirty mind and deliberately saying,"dirty" things on a regular basis supposedly just to embarrass him, and even when the words are not the least bit dirty, he says that my ,"look" or my raised eyebrow or leer or just the way I say things or even the context of how I say them, is all 'wrong". So according to him, I can no longer say,"bone,ball, weiner, steak and taters in the same sentence or when I am looking at any picture of any Twi-guy online at any time,meat, hard(any form thereof),do,pork; the list just goes on and on! I swear the kid is such a prude! He looks over my shoulder once and sees me watching a video of a young man jogging in sweat pants and a black wife-beater,ONCE! and he thinks im some kind of perv! He hasn't caught me the rest of the times Ive watched it, I swear!

Dear Roger, Tending the Dead, Texas Traditions,and Other Things I Think About When Insomnia Has Me

Well its another night that I am not having any luck in catching some zz's, so I have been watching John Wayne movies, eating cold pizza and drinking cheap soda. I am not supposed to eat pizza or drink soda and I will probably be dog assed sick tomorrow, but I figure I am not going any damn place so I might as well indulge in a little masochistic self abuse.

Its getting close to time to pack up and go and I am a full on stress case! I worked on packing my shit today and sorting out more of what is going and what is staying and what is getting sold, and its just soo damn hard to make those decisions. My ex and I are sort of on speaking terms, and as I expected, he didn't bank any money back to pay me for the van, so Im fucked for that one. I knew I couldn't count on him and I dont know why I even thought I could, and though he tells me he will pay me off for it and a,"week or two", I dont see that happening, and I know that I could sell the damn van at the yard sale on Saturday for over 800 and that would set me and Chance up mighty fine in Portland, but once again my albatross strikes. Its disheartening.

I was raised on John Wayne movies, and around men who were the John Wayne ideal. My granpa who flew more than 57 missions out of England during WW2, my dad who did 3 tours of Viet Nam, you and your time at the DMZ as a "courier" for the CIA and your adventures with Air America,(I would have loved to have heard those stories), Sammy in all his true Texas cowboy glory, Uncle Charlie and his West Texas ranch and all the race horses, and Papa and his stories of Wildcatting with his brothers in the Texas oil boom era and building and losing a fortune from nothing,I grew up around MEN! Men who would never in a million years visibly fail. Men who knew how to be a hero and how to make things right. What the hell happened? Where did the real men go? I am so sick and tired of excuses and failure and settling . Im tired of ,"carrying the penis". I haven't been around a man that could outman me in over a decade and I dont understand it. I loved romance, I enjoyed a man that would open a door for me or pay for dinner or lead when we were dancing. I never bitched any man out for those things, hell! I thanked them! Ive had to be tough and mean and a fighter and a scrapper because I have seemed to end up with pussies as companions or husbands and if I didnt get hard, they would just let the family fall into poverty worse than it already has. It cost me, because men that often wont fight the world outside for survival, will damn sure take their anger out on the one that makes them look bad, and I have the scars and PTSD to prove that being small and a bitch often leads to problems with your physical well being. It doesnt matter at this point in the game, but I am sick and tired of seeing this going on and I have told Chance that being the kind of man he has seen around is not acceptable, and the one thing I can hope from his time in Texas is that he learned what it means to be a man and the one who is supposed to at least shoulder 1/2 the burden.

Dear Roger, Movie Premiers Or Why I Dont Teach Tweens

Well, last night was finally the night! I did something I have never done and I actually went to opening night of a major, guaranteed to be freaking insane, and chock a block full of annoying tweens and dodgy others, movie. I managed to put aside all my hating crowds issues, my not liking other peoples tweens issues, as well as my general dislike of all things media hyped and insane and I took Chance to see the premier of Eclipse. We went with my friend Elisha and we saw the film along with the other two previous films, which was kinda cool because I realized while I was watching them, that I had never seen any of the actors in any of the movies in the theater ever before, I mean, sure, I had seen other movies of theirs, but always on dvd or cable, never on the big screen, so it was pretty interesting, and I realized that WOW! some of those guys are even better looking, BIG! but hell, when isn't big,better??

The theater was slammed to hell and gone and I was very glad I had gotten out tickets over a month ago, because even arriving an hour early with advance tickets, we still had to sit down pretty close to the front. They had over 900 people turn out here in the ghetto in the meadow to see this, and there were more who wanted to, but it sold out so damn fast that they had to turn people away. People had camped out, and the line went around the building which really shocked me considering we are such a podunk city that doesn't stand a snowballs chance in hell of a celebrity showing up for any kind of events, and in fact there really weren't any events to speak of, just long lines at the womens restrooms and concessions.

The crowd was good natured and really diverse with a large contingent of Native kids, Twi-moms and the ever present vaguely psychotic, tweens that screamed for not apparent reason and seemed to have bladder issues, or at least the ones on our row did. It finally reached the point during the second film that much to Chances dismay, Elisha and I finally got a little hostile, because if you have an issue that means you cannot sit through a 2 hour movie without having to get up and wade across 12 people more than 8 times with your 4 little girlfriends, then you need to be either sitting on the outer row or your momma needs to take your ass home instead of trying to mad dog those finally get sick and tired of getting their boots stepped on and say something.

There was lots of cheering as the favorites came on and lots of hooting and hollering during any kinda romance or smexyness and I only embarrassed Chance a little by whooping it up when Jasper showed up in his back-story wearing a Confederate uniform, riding a horse, but DAMN! there is only soo much a grown assed woman should be expected to take and keep silent, and in my defense, I was not the only person that got a little vocal, there were more than a few grown assed women, and (men) that let it be known that Team Jasper was in the house. I know I had a big ole grin, and I probably embarrassed the hell out of Chance, but he was good natured about it and I only herd a muttered,"Cougar" once or twice, but then I think he realized he was outnumbered by,"Cougars" so it was probably safest to be quiet.

On the way home at 0300, I asked Chance if it was totally horrible? and he said,"Noo, it didnt totally suck, there were lots of hot babes wandering around, the fight scenes were pretty wicked". When I pressed him to pick a favorite character, he went with Jasper,"Gotta go with the Texan, DUH!" Thats my boy!

It was good, I will buy the dvd.

Dear Roger,I Got A Pair Of Boots Older Than My Last Friend With Benefits

Well, the time is getting short and im really having to get stuff ready to go, and I have spent most of the past few days looking for places to live, sorting out things that can go to storage for a while, things that have to go with us right away and things that are just gonna get gone. The worry about the unknown is the biggest thing bugging me now and oddly enough my boots are my biggest issue. I have more than 8 pairs of cowboy boots, in fact they are pretty much all I freaking wear and have worn for most of the last decade or so. I have walked the soles off of several pair of Ropers, worn down the sides on a pair of combat boots, and I have some Tony Llama Rough outs that are older than my last "friend with benefits", in fact they are actually 36 years old and in better shape than he was in and much tougher. I own boots that have waded thorough mud, blood, beer, cow pastures, crime scenes, and dance floors. I have worn them for horse back riding, running, fighting, motorcycle riding, one really interesting night with a fella that found my boots and Vickies to be quite the turn on, and the spurs to be quite the icing on the cake,(actually my PaPa's spurs)but there is no accounting for the oddness of some folks.I value my boots up there with my books and my music and I have worn and carried them with me pretty much everyplace I have lived. I do not own a pair of heels, and I only bought a couple pair of tenny shoes after my ortho guy had ten different fits about me working out in boots on their mats after my back injections were done the last time. I used to wear Doc Martens quite a bit as my tenny shoes, but then they got adopted as the unofficial footwear of those who bat for the other team, and considering I have enough trouble tracking down a fella willing to put out, I sadly had to let them go, so that I would not shut down any interest based on first impressions.

When we get up there we will not have any furnishings! Im going to have to buy beds, a table, a tv, and all kinds of stuff, but it will all be a clean start and as long as my boots are on the ground and my I can see where the starting point is, its all good.

Dear Roger,Cooking Up A MId-Life Crisis On The Road to Hell

Well hell, the fire is finally mostly out though we are STILL getting smoke, the God damned ex is still here and has decided to raise his fucking voice to me from time to time and I have come real damned close to telling him to take his fucking attitude back down the road to his crappy apartment, because until I hand over the paper and its recorded, the place is NOT his and I can still tell him to fuck the hell off and get out, and I can walk away from the house, or sell it and then move the kids to wherever and he can try to take me to court to stop it. Im really trying to be overly nice and im getting sick of him not realizing that. Im stressed out and he really pushed it today and considering he didn't pay me any damned rent or child support or any other damned help, and I have let him use my car, and I could let a much younger and nicer and better looking guy move in here that would pay rent and probably clear my sinuses with a good thorough trouncing several times a day. I have 8 days left to put up with him wandering in and out and trying to get the kids on some kind of schedule and sorting out my stuff that I am planning on taking to Portland from the stuff that I am leaving here for the kids to have for their comfort and the stuff that I am selling. I have 40 years worth of crap to sort out and its not easy, and his attitude making my PTSD fire off like a bottle rocket on the 4th and im back to not sleeping and stalking around like a stressed out ally cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Chance is being a big help, he has been distracting me with movies like Harold and Kumar, and endless games of Wii Rockband where I actually scored 100% on "Give it Away " by the Red Hot Chili Peppers while singing bare footed with my shorts falling off my ass while I did the funny dance to the music and made him laugh his ass off and freaked out Fergus, nearly resulting in getting my butt bitten again. He also keeps acting like a living countdown, reminding me that we have very few days left here to put up with the shit attitude and the stress and soon we will be in the land of green and rain and trees and where everything doesn't smell like smoke.

Im not sure what all is going to happen once we get there, and I worry about things, but im doing my best to keep my kids fed and clean and sort of happy. I have been cooking more than normal, and I have busted out some of my old favorite recipes,even if I cant eat them I at least get to enjoy cooking them for my big son who really enjoys eating them.

When I was in college at University of Texas, I was in the International Student Union and I had friends from all over the world, and we got together and had communal meals every single day. We kinda functioned as a large, weird, dysfunctional family, with kids from all over, Iran, Iraq, Vietnam, Palestine, Israel, France, Germany, England,Ireland and me, the token Texan who loved to cook and hang out and play soccer with them. I gained the Momma Bear nurturing bone from my grandma I kinda started looking after some of them that seemed to need it, and we ate meals together often several times ag day, and I learned to cook large, recipes that were a blend of Asian, Texan and even African and Mexican, and I still love to cook that way, and I have even considered opening a restaurant at times like the bar b cue joint near where I grew up, where even if you could only afford the smallest, sandwich, the old woman who ran the place always made sure you had a bowl of cowboy beans and cornbread and sweet tea to go with so you never left hungry. I love cooking, and I love seeing folks appreciate my work. When I was a firefighter/EMT, I used to cook large meals in the fire station kitchen and feed all the duty officers in the area all kinds of Tex/Mex goodies, and I miss the camaraderie, and perhaps I could someday own a combination bookstore, coffeehouse restaurant that allows me the ability to make sure young uns are fed and taken care of, as well as allows me the time and place to write and relax in my kind of place. Who knows, maybe I can finally track down my muse and get back to writing again.

Dear Roger, For A Suck Ass Week, Things Have Actually Been Pretty Good

My boy is home! He is so different from the boy that left here a battered and bruised wreck of a young man, and I am glad to see that. We seem to have a better bond, perhaps gained through him realizing that we were both just surviving our circumstances and doing the best we could and that I was trying my best to protect him from the worst of it all.

He has grown so much. He is taller than me now and spending a couple of years playing athletics in Texas has given him lean muscle and made him fast and much more confidant than he was before. He still has the intensity in everything he attempts, music, athletics,harassing me about whatever, but we seem to get along really well.

We joke a lot more than we ever used to, and he seems to enjoy teasing me about whatever Twilight young man I have on my screensaver or picture that pops up, and I harass him about selling himself as my escort to the premier of Eclipse.He agreed for $35.00 so he could take out one of his girlfriends in Texas, that he would accompany me and my friends to the premier, wearing whatever clothes I selected without complaint, he just didn't realize that I would select clothes other than ripped skinny jeans and faded rock t-shirts, so now he is screwed, so he twitches and shudders just a little every time someone even says the words "Twilight" or "Eclipse" around him, because he saw the shirt and tie and vest and jacket and he KNOWS he is done for, though I did buy him a brand new pair of skinny jeans that he selected as a comfort, and I am allowing him to wear his Vans that don 't stink. He also knows we are taking pictures and hamming it up and planning on having a good time as well as posting pictures, so I guess he is glad that we are in the middle of a move between cities so that he can reinvent himself all over again in a new city and erase the shame and stigma that comes with having a mom that is full bore in a midlife crisis.

I am so damn glad to have him home that things that would have driven me nuts 2 years ago, dont even phase me. He has jacked my cell phone, some of my Affliction and rock t-shirts, my skull crusher headphones,my socks, and money, made fun of my screensaver, my taste in music and men and movies, and drank most of the sodas and dominated the tech area with Halo and Wii and attempted to P'wn me in Wii baseball while making bad "ball" jokes and trying to harass Fergus into biting me on the butt while I was at bat, yet I have reveled in ever moment of it. We watched the Team USA/Ghana match and he yelled with me and and we booed and cussed and mourned the loss together and fist bumped after the one goal and agreed to cheer on team England. We even went out and threw a baseball back and forth in the road for an hour or so, watching the helicopters flying gear in and out of the mountains where they were still fighting a few spot fires left on this side of the Peaks from the Schultz fire.

We have sat around watching weird movies, listening to different types of music and comparing musical styles and making fun of each others generations, though today he even admitted that Gen X'rs like myself had music that seriously,'Rocked balls" and still rocks harder that most of the stuff out there.He has refused to allow me to sit back in my room and hide from the commotion that is going on in my house while the ex prepares to take over operations. He has come back into my room and grabbed my computer out of my hands and said,'Old woman! quit perving over pictures of guys that are young enough to be your sons, get your ass outta bed, and come out to the living room and be with your family!" He has admitted he is scared but excited by out pending move to Portland, and he knows we will have nothing starting over again, but we will be free and we will be healing and no one will be able to hurt us again and I think that is why we are both feeling like life is finally worth living.

Dear Roger,I Think I would Really Be Capable Of Significant Violence At This Point

Rog, I have come to the conclusion that some people are poster children for 'Shoulda been Drowned at Birth", yes, that is not politically correct, no, I never claimed that I was politically correct. If I were the person to catch to stupid sons of bitches that went off and left a camp fire burning up in Schultz Pass on Saturday, I would probably strongly consider doing the world a favor and preventing them from ever breeding and contaminating the gene pool.

My mountains are devastated, my neighbors and my family has lived in fear and apprehension for the last 3 days, and our home will never be the same again, all because some stupid bastards were too lazy to ,make sure that they had done the right thing and put their fucking campfire out properly. If not for the balls to the wall efforts of the Firefighters, people would be homeless right now, myself and many of my friends included. Our forests havent been properly thinned for decades because the Forest Circus has been micro-managed by a bunch of Kum by yah pussies that think every tree is sacred and they might not be able to commune with the bark beetle as well if even one scrub jack pine gets cut! Well, its damn sure thinned now ya fucking dumbasses! But hell, they wont care, they will just pack up their trust fund paid for houses and take their PETA loving asses onto the next state to fuck up,(Probably Texas), and leave the locals here to look at the mess and deal with the mudslides.

Sorry, im pissed and ranting, but I got a clear view of the Peaks today when the smoke cleared for a bit and I actually puked. Its horrible. There is nothing left, it looks like everything up there either crowned and was lost, or is soo badly scarred, it will die anyway. Its not going to come back in my lifetime and I want to fuck somebody up over that!

I used to take my cup of coffee out on my rickety porch every morning and I would sit there and think,"Well, im broke, lonely, sick most of the time and surrounded by liberal Californians, but at least I have the best fucking view in the world", and now I dont even have that.

I threw on my tennis shoes, my ipod and my most arrogant Texas ball cap and funkiest 100 Monkeys t-shirt and I walked the mile down to the Chevron to see if I could get a gallon of milk without getting hooked up by the cops for being in the evac area,(I figured if I looked crazy and ornery enough they would leave me alone), and I needed to just get out of the damn house. The view from the main road was sickening and I just sat on the side of the road and watched the choppers go over with the bambie buckets for a little bit, my hands shaking and tears rolling down my face. The 4 Peaks are the spiritual center to the Tribes and to tell you the truth, after soo long up here, they have become my center as well, and to see them soo badly damaged and hurting, I just wanted to rage and hurt the fools that did it.

My walk cleared my head a little, and I spoke to a few other neighbors who gutted it out, another PTSD sufferer and another Texan, not surprisingly, and we commiserated for a few mainly by just standing there and looking like we wanted to cry on each others shoulders, but all knowing we arent the type to do that., we wanted to jack someone up. I managed to get in and out and get my milk without the media vultures harassing me, though they did give me the,'Look" as if to say...welll there is a mountain crazy, and you know what? They are right!

Chance is in Flagstaff and I cant get him, hes 7 miles from here and the cops told me that they will let me drive out, but not back in, so im hoping like hell they open up the roads tomorrow, or I may just walk my ass into town.

Dear Roger, Defender of the UnderMonkey! (hes a Texan God Dammit,You dont mess with my Homeboys)

Okay, in getting just a little stir crazy being trapped in the house with the kids and the dogs and the ex, laying low to avoid the POPO who wants everyone to leave even though the fire is not near here, but because it makes their job easier if they don't have to worry about people potentially breaking into neighbors houses and such. I stayed up all night last night and stood fire watch for the family and because my ex for some reason felt perfectly fine with going and getting into my bed and making himself comfortable! So even though I didn't have to go stay with a bunch of dodgy strangers in an over-crowded evac shelter, I did Suffer somewhat after all. I stayed out in the living room, watching weird TV and reading stuff online and checking in to see whats up in the world of my favorite guilty pleasures, and I guess because I was already in a mood or something and feeling a little stressed that my own oldest son may not be able to come home this week after all, I ended up getting into a pissing match with some tweeny bopper over some rude comments she made about the young man who plays Jasper in the Twilight series. I KNOW! I know..., ever the protector and one to start a pissin match over a fella that could give a crap, but thats just how I roll and it wasn't like my social calendar was jammed up with other people to knock heads with in the wee hours, so when she commented on his horseback riding posture and made some other snide comments, I called her out on her basis of expertise and just kinda bitch slapped her around a little, and let her know that I have been riding horses longer than her and the young man have have been alive, so rather than making snotty comments based on her 1 hr a week lessons, I could speak from pretty much my whole damn life and I felt that if he was nervous or uncomfortable, it was probably warranted and smart. Hell, Rog! I had to defend the kid, hes a Texan and I feel like I kinda owe him after perving over pics of him for the better part of the last couple of years. Hes a cute damn kid, and as a Texan, warrants special defense, but Chance thought it was pretty damn funny, and I think he his hoping to be able to deflect some of my Momma Bear tendencies off of him onto anybody else, even if vicariously.
It got pretty weird around here yesterday, the map of the flame from on the forest fire was a real wake up call, it was 2 blocks away from our front door, and I had to keep the windows and doors shut last night to keep the house from filling up with smoke, so it was hotter than Satans ballsack, and then add in that the ex was here and making no secret of the fact that he had things on his mind other than the forest fire, namely trying to get a pity lay out of me! I mean really? I thought he was joking, until I bent over to retrieve some papers off the floor of my room and he was quick to try and show me just how serious he was! I almost elbowed him in the parts, but I figured I needed him capable of ambulation and sane thought, so I just spent the evening ignoring and deflecting his comments. He is so dense sometimes, he would compliment me and then turn around and denigrate the music I like calling it,"Juvenile and undeveloped" and try to talk movies with him? He tells me that he cannot believe that I like a certain actor because he looks like a,'Demented Hobbit", or then he started in on my clothes, telling me that if I was going for getting ,"Shanghai'd on a trap steamer of Lesbians" after I moved to Oregon, then I had the perfect wardrobe. It was really like watching a train wreck unfold, the man has no filter or no common sense if he thinks that is the way into getting any kind of pity anything from me.
Im hoping they life the evacuation orders soon and allow people in a out of the area again, but with the winds we are getting and the difficulty they are having in the terrain, it may be a few days and I am going to end up ,missing my damn doctors appointment and after this last few days I was really needing to have a heart to heart with my doctor about the twitches and headaches, but considering that I hope to be out of here by July 5th and well on our way the hell out of Dodge, it may just have to wait until I find a doctor up in Oregon.

Chance aka Big Son has been a constant nag and worry wart over the past 24 hours.He has called at least every few hours to see if I have changed my mind about evacuating, and when I tell him ,NO", he then proceeds to nag at me for the rest of the conversation until I start talking about Twilight or which guys I find interesting, and nothing gets him off the nag trail faster than me actually sounding like I may actually say the dreaded,'S" word. I once tried to have,"The Talk" with him about safe "S"ex, and the poor kid about had a heart attack and died right over the phone, it was one of the few times he has hung up on me. But someone has to make sure he knows how to protect himself, its not like he has a father to tell him the important stuff.
I think I was a Momma Bear in a past life, I always wanna look after the cubs, even when they don't need it or really want it.Thats why I had to quit teaching that the High School, I worried about my kids too much and so many of them seemed to have parents that either had already kicked them out into the world, or who never even tried, and now I have at least 5 of my kids over in Afghanistan and Iraq, and they are in my mind every day. My ex thinks I over indulge Chance, but I would rather be guilty of letting him know every minute of every day that I love him and I have his back, NO MATTER WHAT, than I would rather living with the regrets of never telling him enough, I live with that already from losing 'G' and you, so hopefully we will find a balance.But Ill tell you, that snippy lil tween heifer is damn lucky that wasn't my kid she was talking smack about...id cut a bitch over MY baby.

Dear Roger, Floods,Fires,Wrecks,Tornados,Hurricaines,I must be indestructable!

Well this is a fine how do ya do! I decide to get the fuck outta Dodge, and Dodge decides to burn the hell down to celebrate the departure. In the past two days we have had no less than 5 freaking forest fires start up around here, and of course the biggest and most bad assed of them has to occur right off my God damned front porch!Now those Cali folk may be used to their crap burning up every couple of years, but around here its been a damned long time since we have had anything this dramatic of a nature occur, and I am really not enjoying all the commotion. I am less than 1/8 mile from heavy forest, and I am so glad for that 1/8 mile because I have watched trees explode into flames all day long from my front porch and wondered just when the hell they were going to get slurry bombers to start working the magic on them, but it was 8 hours before that happened because of course Mother Nature decided to throw another little curve ball at the fire crews in the form of Flagstaffs typically fun, 50-70mph wind gusts, and of course we all know that airplanes dont do so fucking great in winds like that in mountain passes.
The ex came out to see the kids before they close all the damn highways and such and he was kind enough to load up all my valuable things like the Gila Monster Painting and my antiques and some of the kids things, and then I got "Go" bags loaded for the kids and such and expected him to follow the advice of the nice firefighters and evacuate and let me stay with my dogs until the last minute when I would then either run them out or hang tough, but NOOOOOO! hes refusing to leave me here in peace in quiet with my dogs. I am fine when I know my kids are safe. Yeah, I have been a damn twitchy mess today, just the thought of going to some crowded shelter with my kids and being separated from my dogs and them getting sent to God knows where, had me jerking and twitching and spazzing all over the place, but he doesnt get that if he took the kids and got them safe, I would be fine here. I know this place is going to be fine because I have lots of defensible space around the house and I know what to watch out for in fire behavior, but try and force me to go to someplace where I have no privacy and people will stare at me and my kids, I will be a damned basket case in short order.I dont cuss or bark but today has been just about bad enough to make me start. My ex is actually trying to be nice, but its grates on me to have him around very long because we have very different lifestyles and he hates my music and I annoy him and when I am tense and twitching really bad or stuttering, he cannot help himself, he has to make fun of me, its like he doesnt even realize he has done it until after the fact and I yell at him like I did today,'Dont you fucking make fun of me in my own damn house!" Because he had just mocked me when I got stuck on a word for forever, and I was already frustrated and obsessing over the fact that the evacuations were being announced and I was trying to sort out what I was going to do about that,as well as face the fact that I was going to have to probably deal with being out of control of the situation.Soo, I wanted him to take my kids and go with Fergus so I know they would all be safe and I would stay here and lay low unless it was a lost cause, and then I had a plan to take the Bernards and Finn and run our asses to the main road. Instead, he has to go and muck up my plans by trying to be all nobel and saying that he is not leaving me here by myself to face danger! Holy fecking Hell!! Im a Goddamned Ex-Cop, Ex-Firefighter,Ex-EMT, and I am still pretty damned bad assed and he freaking well knows it. I may be older, but I am not the one with the paunch. I play soccer and I survived the damn winter here and I still work at staying in shape. He is the one that got told,'Hold my holster" when some scrote tried to break into my truck down in Tucson. He actually said that if he had to punch me out to get me to leave, he would do it! I had to laugh! As if! He knows by now that I can take a punch, so he tried to guilt trip me into agreeing that I would leave with the rest of them on a merry trip to hell, he sent in the Stinky Princess to ask me to promise her that I would go with them if it got any closer. The rotten bastard! But we are taking the dogs and im staying in the car with them and we can bark and growl together.
I have survived many, many, calamitous events, in fact my nickname,"Calamity" comes from an adventure I had in firefighting down in the Nogales Mountains on the border when I had walking pnuemonia and was only supposed to be providing water to other firefighters, but "accidentally" ended up on the leading edge of the flame front with a pulaski and it was my misfortune to end up getting chased up the side of the mountain and getting the backs of my ears and such scorched as the fire crested behind me. It wasnt like I brought the fire with me, but my chief wasn't very forgiving and I ended up dispatching for a while and he stuck me with the nickname.
I have also been in more than a couple of epic vehicle accidents, including a roll over of a pick up truck that rolled 4 times down the side of the I-40 into a ravine in the snow,and my seatbelt broke, yet I walked away..sort of, I mean, yeah,my brains were jostled a bit, but I am still around and most synapses fire sorta normally. I survived 2 majorly scary motorcycle dumps and I still love riding motorcyles, and no...I do not now, nor have I ever worn a helmet, nor will I.
As I have tried to tell the ex in the past, heaven does not want me, hell is afraid I will take over.

Dear Roger;Modern Torture Techniques? Hell, I could write a book on that Shit

Soo, I picked a really great week to do a pretty fucked up thing,I made the concious and informed decision to watch a movie on torture. Now before you go bitching me out about it, I HAVE been in counseling for the Post Traumatic shit for months now, and I have good days and bad days, and truthfully, things are always going to bother me and I am not going to hide from stuff for the rest of my life because it might set me off, and I REALLY like the actor that was in it and I thought I could handle it. I actually made it through most of it without leaving the room, though as predicted when they did anything with knives and scalpels I had to exit stage left pretty Goddamed quick.
I even found myself critiquing their methods in some ways, like pulling out of fingernails? Thats soo old school! Mike knew that if you simply smashed the finger at the last knuckle on no more than three fingers of a hand, you could inflict waaay more pain that lasted a lot longer and often led to what is known as compartment syndrome. Smashed and bruised fingers on one hand are easily explained away as an accident, much like smashed toes.Body blows? waste of time! Joint manipulation works soo much better and does not leave marks.Being he was in a profession that allowed him access to scalpels and things like potassium so he could threaten to inject it into the vitreous humor of the eye and stop the heart of pretty much anyone you cared about and not leave any evidence, he preferred the more psychological aspects of torture instead of the brute force, but he was a pure sadist and very creative.The neck popping torture he preferred still has me jumping out of my seat pretty much anytime someone in a movie gets their neck snapped, and I still cannot stand for anyone to even try to adjust my neck without wanting to inflict harm upon them. He was waay into knives and scalpels though, and I reacted so over the top to the edged weapon training in several of my jobs that it was brought to my attention that I might have a bit of a problem with that,(I tended to shoot first and ask questions later)but the cutting of the junk, while it might have made every guy in the theatre squirm and yeah it might sting a little, its much more effective to make slices in the rib cage along in the intercostal spaces(between the ribs)that way everytime they take a breath or scream(and that shit was not allowed), they get a fresh reminder. Screaming.tsk tsk, that was not allowed, especially when there is a knife at your eye and you are being told just how much pressure is needed for a Tanto blade to remove an eye. Sadist,yes, that is what he was, and for all I know probably still is. I found out I was pregnant. He fucked up, he slipped and I ended up pregnant and I valued that small life enough to finally escape. He ended up staring down his own .357 one evening,(I had learned how to pick the lock to his filing cabinet), and I limped my brutalized ass out to my truck and left and fled for my life and my sanity. He stalked me,threatened me, and he wanted to kill me and my baby.The state investigated and determined that he was a,"Very credible threat " to my safety and the safety of my unborn child, and they left him off the birth certificate and left me alone. I hid from him for over 14 years, and my son has never known and will never know his father.
He gave my son some killer good looks,(he was an actor as well in a few movies),the ability to pick up and play pretty much any musical instrument he desires, and charm, but the one thing my boy wants more than anything he was denied, a dad.
I cannot ever run the risk that my son would be subjected to even one moment of what I went through, and I would do whatever it took to insure that.
Post Traumatic Stress is a bitch to live with, and the same type of vehicle he drove when I knew him still makes me nervous, or hang up calls from California numbers or even Southern Arizona still put me on edge.
I have to laugh at the the usual movie monsters, they dont bother me, vampires and werewolves and things like that? No sweat! The human ones though? those I know are real, and they tend to bother me just a little more.
"Unthinkable" was a damn good movie, I didnt like to see Michale Sheen getting messed up because I like the guy as an actor and its hard to see him as a bad guy,(except threatning Dallas, NOW THAT ...grey area because I am a Texan), and I think I would have skipped it if not for him being in it, but I have a nice cold Guinness to take the edge off and nothing to do of any import tomorrow, so if I dont sleep tonight, Ill just take a walk.

Dear Roger;Judge Much?

I have decided to make the leap.My oldest son and I will be leaving here on or about July 5th and we are headed for the North West with plans to start off in Oregon, and perhaps end up in either Portland or Seattle, and if that doesnt suit us, we are going to look at Vancouver and Tacoma, either way, we are going nomad and leaving Flagstaff with no concrete plan to return. I am leaving the 3 youngest kids here in their home for the next schoolyear with their father, and people are judging me like I am the worst person in the world. I am not abandoning my children, I am strinking out in an attempt to make us a new and better life in a place we can afford to live without totally turning their lives upside down. The next schoolyear here for them is already a well established entity. Stickys IEP is in place, he is repeating the 3rd grade with a 1:1 aide that is like a grandmother to him and a teacher that not only advocates for him as well as I do, she loves him. Stubby will be going into a classroom that uses music to teach and sooth children are high tone and she pushes gifted kids like him. The Stinky Princess is going into an good class and she has soo many friends that keep her busy, she will rule the 1st grade much like she did kindergarten. There are people here who will keep an eye on things with them.
While there father and I had and have our problems, he loves his children and he will do right by them.
My eldest son deserves my time and he is coming back after a 2 year exile, and he doesnt want to be in Flagstaff where there are no real happy memories for him. We need to try and go where we can build a new life and a chance for a stable home without all the strain and stress that we have lived with here, and once we have that, we will reunite as a family. But dragging the little kids into an unknown would be unfair and traumatic thing to do.
We will have Skype and phone calls and trips home on holidays until the end of the next school year and hopefully all of us will be in better places.
It has been a rough few weeks for me. For some reason people have felt like they have free rein to comment on my style of dress, my weight and my life style and I just do not know what the hell to think about it. I am a grown ass woman and I have already decided that I am not dating anything in Arizona, so I dress to suit me and most of the time that is tight ass skinny jeans, cowboy boots and rock t-shirts or wife beaters and often a cap and cop style sun glasses. I do not care if it looks a little "butch", I am not trying to impress anybody, but GodDAMMIT I wish to hell that people would quit trying to offer me fashion tips. I like my clothes, I have always dressed funky and weird and its just me, if you dont like it, dont look, and I have pretty much decided that the next person that comments is going to get told off.
My weight is not by choice. I am not anorexic. I am not starving by choice. I do eat. I really resent being called "Skinny Bitch". I am not trying to impress anyone. I challenge anyone to take 100mgs of Topamax a day and try to keep weight on, c'mon try it, I dare you.
My life style, so I act a little goofy at times? How do you want me to act? I have seen and dealt with shit that would give most normal people screaming nightmares for days, and I keep functioning. I have had to shovel people off the highway, I have sifted through decomposed brains to find bullets, I have had to call the parents of young men and wake them out of sound sleep to tell them that theis sons were dead due to a drunk that wasnt even injured.I have carried the bodies of dead children, held the hands of people while they died.I have been less than 2 lbs of trigger pressure away from killing a person and I have had a straight razor at my throat and I still wake some nights feeling it there.More of my close friends are dead than alive,Im broken and cant seem to fix myself,lost and trying to find a path to follow, and by getting further away from all the pain and ugliness that has haunted me for so long, I am hoping I can begin to repair myself.
People who havent lived my life for the last few years really should step into my boots for a week or two. I guarantee they would need more than a short coffee break.

Dear Roger,Crash and Burn...Me?Just Ignore That Twitching Thing

Okay, I think my stress level is getting a little high. School is finally out for the kids and they are now home constantly and they are demanding things I cannot provide.Money is tight, I dont have a job, their father is not capable of providing much in the way of substantial support,and resources are limited,so we are going to be stuck close to home.I am trying to make sure they have some goodies,and I try to make sure they can go outside and play and get out, but they just want 10 million other things that little kids just want and it drives me nuts because they resent me for refusing it.
Bills are piling up as the results of the end of winter finally hit and two heating bills of over $300 each just kicked my ass, on top of buying firewood and the substantial electric bills and gasoline bills and all the other bullshit that has kicked me, and to top it all off, I had an acute gallbladder attack that knocked me on my ass.
To say it was painful is an understatement.I have had broken bones,and I have lived with pain for years from damaged discs in my spine,broken teeth,and all sorts of injuries that would put other people in the hospital, but this was like having a knife jammed in my lower back under my ribs and then having someone saw it back and forth while someone else sat a burning weight on my chest so I could not get a deep breath.It was a burning,tearing sensation and I thought it was game on for either a anuerysm like what took you out, or appendicitis.With the family history, I figured it was best not to screw around,and since I couldnt breath so well, I decided I better go to the emergency room and at least make sure I didnt drop dead at home in front of the kids. I drove my ass up there which was my first mistake, because in our podunk, ass backwards thinking ER, if you can drive, you must be fine so your ass sits. I sat in there waiting room in agony, with a blood pressure of 142/92 and a pulse of 144 for 3 hours while they treated drunks and people with broken toes.I finally decided that I would rather come home and hurt like hell in my own best than sit in their uncomfortable ass chairs and listen to some drunk woman fart and laugh all night. I passed out in my bed around 4 am and the ex came and took care of the kids while I slept and gutted out the misery. I have to tell you, it took a lot out of me and it seemed to be a tipping point for me health wise.
I have carefully controlled my little neuro issues for years.My headaches often get the better of me, but then Suicide Migraines are uncontrollable beasts that thwart most medical intervention short of the shots to the base of the skull and that is something I am considering getting done this summer. I have taken the maximum dosage of the medication that controlls my little seizure issue and it has helped with the insomnia and my other issue, which is a Touretts-like issue.I dont bark or anything like that,I clench my jaw,roll my shoulders and clench my fist, bite my lip and sometimes punch inantimate objects like walls or trucks, or in otherwords I look like Im spoiling for a fight and often I get one. Its a very inconveniant manifestation of the issue, and considering I barely make 5'feet tall and 105lbs, when I am really stressed and I walk around clenched up and rolling my shoulders like I am going to hit something, people tend to think me a bit insane, and truthfully lately I do not blame them.WHen I was a kid I would shudder and shake like a rabid dog and I do have a bit of a head jerk at times when I am really stressed, and what is getting to me is that the jaw clench and head jerk have been manifesting quite a bit lately and I nearly put my fist through the living room wall today. I have a constant low back ache from the gall bladder issue and I know its probably going to have to come out, much like it did for my sis and mom and 3 of my grandparents, and that means being incapacitated and on pain meds which I hate.
As a writer, I only take what I absolutely have to take, nothing more, nothing less, and from time to time I try to drop off and drop down the amount of the seizure medications because they supress my ability to write. It worries me that I am on the maximum amount of right now and they would have to put me on something different if it quits working all together, because some medications kill artistic ability and I would rather twitch and punch a few walls than not be able to write. Its not like im having an active social life anyway. I want to get out and decompress for a bit, but it doesnt look like that is going to happen.
My eldest son is due home in two weeks and I know he is not happy to be returning to Flagstaff, and I cannot say I blame him. I wish I could provide him an opportunity for a change,and a chance to stayin Texas, but it seem that all is just out of reach.I was even willing to walk away from it all and allow the ex to take over the property and children for the summer, but even with the substantially lower than market value mortage, it being fully furnished and everything being ready to go and even a vehicle being provided, he cannot seem to manage it without me paying the bills and leaving myself with no way to leave.Its very frustrating and dishearting and I feel like a rat in a cage and im starting to snap at everyone and the twitches are the just the tip of the iceberg.

Dear Roger,Middle Aged Crazy and Chasing Boys

Okay, it officially sucks being single.Summer is almost here and I want to be out running around on a motorcycle or a horse, instead I am sitting home most days reading soft-core Twilight Fan Fic porn and butlering for my dogs. The kids will be out of school in a few days, my oldest will be home from Texas, and my prospects for getting any fine monkey loving is fading as fast as my bank accounts balance.Its just not fair! My guinea pigs are getting more action than I have in the last couple of years, and they are both male! The kids are all bummed because they will miss their friends/girlfriends/boyfriends,(my baby girl has no less than 4 little suitors)and Stubby and Sticky have a few each as well. I have no male companionship, none, zip, nada! Its just not right, I work hard to stay in shape, and not to brag, but Im a freaking size ONE! my girly bits are all where they should be, and im still rocking a,"D" if you know what I mean, but all guys will do is look! I am going my best to be non-intimidating, I smile, I make small talk and I dont correct their grammar or anyhthing else, I let them think they are smarter than me or more capable than me, but even that doesnt seem to tone it down. I have tried tattoos covered, tattoos uncovered, jewelry, no jewelry, I wear tight jeans and I fix my hair and I dont look like a scrub, and I even turn down my music when I am driving, and I havent called anyone a,'Pinheaded Jackass" in a few weeks and I have only yelled at one Prius driving idiot that was doing 10mph on a road that was clearly ment for people to do 50 or better on,(okay, I do still drive like a road-raging asshole, but I cant fix everything)and my van is pretty embarassing so that just irks me and puts me in a mood.
My options for getting out are starting to narrow pretty quickly, once the kids are out of school, Im pretty well screwed because I will most likely have them 24/7 until school starts back up. I am planning on trying to get out on weekends when the ex is around, but even that gets awkward because if I did find someone, I would have to arrange meetings at my house around that complication.im frustrated, stressed, horny, and aggravated and I dont know what to do about it. Other than investing heavily in duracell,(and even that is difficult with 3 monkeys that can pick locks running loose)and nothing kills the mood like the sounds of a child either barfing or sneaking into the kitchen to steal from my chocolate stash.I need privacy, motivation, and peace, but none of that is going to happen any time soon and its starting to get to me.
Im not even allowed to comment about younger men, even cute one from the movies that are just sooo pretty, because my kids like to remind me,'Ohh, he looks like Chance"(definate mood killer), or the ever snarky,"Arent you old enough to be his mom?" and then the ever popular,'GROOOOOSSSS MOM, hes almost half your age!!", Im mean JEESH! its not like im ever going to meet any of them, but my kids cant stand me even drooling over them and its making me feel OLD, and that is not cool.
I do get looks, and even comments of a favorable nature, but guys seem to vapor lock when it comes to doing anything substantial, and its really hard to meet guys when your days consist of dropping off children, cleaning house, trying to write, and then picking up children coming home and cooking dinner.
I am seriously considering getting my EMT/Paramedic back so I can get out and do something that I love to do and perhaps meet people that I would get on well with. I had considered looking into volunteering with the local sheriffs dept, but that would just remind me that I miss being a cop, and then all kinds of crazy ideas about getting my badge back and all that start to float around in my head, so its best that I probably avoid as much of that world as possible. I just need to be busy and productive until my Masters starts back up in August, so I will just have to sit tight and try to find something that I enjoy besides sitting around and watching Mixed Martial Arts and Cage fighting, its just not a healthy thing.
Im thinking about buying a motorcycle or a horse, just so I have something as a distraction, but until then I will have to just try and make sure there is time for cold showers.

Dear Roger, Do Gigolos Have Payment Plans?

Yet another weekend where the ex has managed to skate out and Im sitting watching crappy TV while the kids play,"Pull my finger" right next to me so that they can share the pain with me.If anyone ever says that girls are capable of being nasty, welll...my sisters mini-van that we took on the trip back to Texas in 2005, and my baby daughter would have to disagree. My sis ended up selling that van because the smell never seemed to go away, and her oldest son never found it funny to fart in an enclosed vehicle around me and her ever again.Sitting up drinking beer and eating deviled eggs the night before we left on the trip gave us an excellent teaching tool for a gross boy and got her out of having to drive that mini-van forever.Her son still gets a little nervous when me and my sis get together, but then most of the men in the South get nervous when me and her team up. I really am trying to find a way to get back home, I miss my big son something terrible, I miss my sis even worse, and I want to go hunting for a cute lil,(not really) Texan to import back here to the land of few straight,unattached men.
I swear, this town is desolate when it comes to single men that are of legal age,have a job, and are straight and unmarried.I dont to the whole bar scene anymore, but I would love to have someplace to go where there is at least a chance of meeting a single, straight , employed, man. It was soo much easier to find a single man back home, and if I had my sis to go hunting with me,I am sure that this long, dry spell would come to an end. My son still gets all worked up when I tell him I am going over to the college campus to take care of business,"Leave those college boys alone you COUGAR!" He is worried that I will find a college boy that will end up messing with his Wii or guitars and he gave me this whole long speech about how it was,"Wrong and morally bankrupt for me to even consider looking at younger men." I have to wonder, who the hell raised him? I never taught him that you are supposed to love or date one type of person, and his brothers are pretty liberal with who they find intersting. Stubby loves large black women and oddly enough ,Dakotah Fanning as long as its in her Volturi guise,(he likes tough/mean women), Sticky likes blondes of all shapes,sizes and ages, and my baby girl adores cowboys,(God help her), and my big son has dated so many girls this last year, I have lost track of what he prefers, but I have never tried to push him into a mold, but he damn sure has opinons about what I should date.
The damn wind is blowing like hell this weekend, and the escape I had hoped to make, shows no sign of being possible, but there is hope on the horizon! I have friends who have offered to kid sit, and I am planning to go to the Henry Rollins show on the 16th, so I will be getting out some, and with school starting back at the university in August, and due to my status, I can go do research in the library and get out where there are other people,so I see hope on the horizon, that or I am going to just buy batteries in mass quantities and call it good.

Dear Roger, Is Being Addicted to Reading Treatable Through an Intervention?

I cannot seem to tear myself away from reading or writing for some reason! I am staying up insane hours to read,not great classic works for the most part, but pretty much anything! I have been reading magazines from the subscription to,"Details Magazine" that I got for my oldest son in the hopes of getting him to realize that there are fashion styles beyond skinny jeans and rock t-shirts and beanies, my subscription to,'Psychology Today" as well as ,'Guns and Ammo", and I have 4 books going right now, including,'Cemetary Dance" and ,"The Chronicals of Jack Primus" and a couple of others that I pick up and put down depending on my mood, and then there is my nasty,'Fan Fiction" addiction that I seem to be unable to break.I am readingor writing more than 6 hours a day and I get up at 0500 to start and often go back to bed sometime around 0200.Its insane, and often I find myself nodding off with either a book or my computer in my lap.
I am getting somethings done,I started looking into Writing Fellowships and trying to sort out just what I can do to support me and the kids over the summer,but mostly what I want to do is spend time in the library doing research for my novel,or curled up somewhere quiet so I can read. I have found that I really enjoy listening to music while I write, so i often have my Ipod going or a pop out music player from a couple of bands I like on my desktop so that I can listen to something to keep my brain from focusing on too much of the past.I finished the first chapter, but I could not write about his death.I guess I am just not to that point yet.I got to the curve in the road, and it all came flashing back and I found that I was just unable to do it.I got blistering,"Suicide" migraines for 3 days in a row, and just a feeling of melancholy and sadness, that I decided to see if I could pick up afterwards, and luckily I found a starting point for a chapter that will be in the middle of the book, and even the end has been floating around. Writing has been coming easier lately for other things and I have even been kicking around some song lyrics, and that would be the first time in close to 20 years that I have even remotely considered writing songs. My lyrics tend to be dark and kinda sad, but I think they would also speak to more than a few people, kinda like my poetry did back in the day. I am going to have to see if my mom will give me back my high school journals with the poetry in them, though after the,'Great art and photography funeral pyre" that I conducted 20 years ago where I burned almost all of my work, I am sure it will take some convincing on my behalf to get her to give the surviving stuff. I dont burn much of my work anymore, though I have been tempted, and the book containing my ,"Cowboy Poetry" made it as far as the top of the woodstove before I reconsidered due to her ire over me burning my younger poems, though why she gets so upset with me I dont understand, afterall, I have never let her read any of it.I dont let many people read or see what I have written in the way of fiction or poetry, and it even weirds me out when people I know actually read my online stuff, its kinda like being naked in front of them. I mean, I dont mind if strangers read it, because after all, Ive done my fair share of flashing a little skin when it was around people I wasnt going to ever see again, but when its people who know me, I tend to kinda skeeve out a little inside. Showing my writing or my art is like standing in front of everyone naked with my guts hanging out, you know people judge you and ive got a lot of scars and lumps.Ive never been an exhibitionist or even remotely interested in being famous,(hell, I spent enough time being infamous),and frankly I give a lot of props to those with the guts to get up in front of people and show themselves. I have given a few speeches in front of large crowds,(over 300 people)several times, and the anticipation was the absolute worst.I have told people who use me for public speaking events to not even really warn me, just call me and say,"you need to be here tomorrow and dress nice and be ready to talk to some folks" and I would be fine, but the last time I had to give a speech at a fundraiser for one of my favorite charities, they made the mistake of telling me a month in advance and they expected a copy of my speech 2 weeks before I spoke.By the time the day rolled around, I was a nervous wreck and I had discarded the original speech and I ended up just using some basic notes and speaking from the heart, which I have found always makes people more interested. I got a lot of laughs,(on purpose) and a standing ovation, so I guess it wasnt too bad, but again the sensation of being naked with everything hanging there was almost overpowering. The few times I performed my,'Cowboy Poetry' , it was a little more relaxing because I didnt know anyone,but im still really damn particular who I let read or see it.
I have kinda tinkered with the other stories I was working on, and I do not know if they are going to flesh out enough to be full-length novels, but I am thinking a compilation of my "Southern Gothic' stories might be something worth pitching.Living where I did as a kid sure gave me some stories to tell, and so many of the recollections take me back to times that sure as hell seemed a lot more simple and happy.
I always miss home and the South in the spring.I miss the green of everything and the smell of hay meadows as everyone tried to get in some quick hay cuttings before the rain gets too crazy, I miss the sound of cicadas and whip o wills, and bar b cue, and Southern men, the kinda men I grew up with that had that wonderful lazy way of speaking, and dressing. God, I dont know what it is but I am soo sick of seeing a good looking man and then seeing him wearing flip flops or sandles with socks!I miss men that wear boots and skin tight wrangler jeans that sit soo low...AW HEll! im digressing, but its been soo long that when I hear a Southern accent or a Texan accent in the store I just want to see if they are from home or if there is something we have in common so I can hear the sounds of home a little longer.I also perk up when I hear an English accent as well, because growing up across from Mick and all his craziness, I just associate that Bristol limey accent with home as well. It feels like I have lost soo much by being away, and sometimes when I talk to friends on Facebook, I see that they never left the area and they all seem to be pretty happy. I am the only one in my family that is this far from home, and sometimes I wish I hadnt wandered so far away, and perhaps this constant pull that I seem to feel is my punishment for leaving.

Dear Rog, Im 41 Going on 14, I think Its Called a Midlife Crisis.

So, im owning the fact I am little bit freaked out about being officially middle-aged, or in the case of our familys history, probably one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel! I mean WTF, you left me at 45, Granpa died at 64, Robert at 43, and Ive danced with death 4 times now and I think I scared him off but Hell, you know I LOVE to dance on the edge.
Im getting that skin-crawling, gotta go now! feeling. I want to be out seeing and doing and going, and those thoughts of just taking that step off the main highway and back out into the wilderness is gnawning at me.The endless days of playing the good little soccer mom from hell are starting to eat me, and its showing in more than a few ways. My temper has gotten shorter and I havent found an outlet for it, and that makes life hell for me and those around me. I have been writing more than usual, and listening to music until I cant take anymore, but I havent touched the guitar in weeks, and I still havent found a piano for the kids to start learning on, so I guess im just rattling around in my head too much without anything physical to ease the stress.
My oldest boy gets home in a few more weeks and I am looking forward to having him around to nag me into doing things like working on the damn van and my yard,(place looks like whats left after a tornado hits a trailer park), so I am not totally mortified when folks come by to visit, though if I keep it up with the surround sound and the music blasting with the occasional werewolf growl thrown in, I may not have too many folks coming around.I managed to clear the crowd of extraneous dogs and children away from my front gate this afternoon by turning up one of the Underworld trilogy movies, my dogs not only left for the back part of the pasture, the neighbor kids and their dog hauled ass home looking back over their shoulders like a chupacabra was on their tail, I about fell out of my chair laughing.
Did my little spiel at the Community Action Board meeting today, and it was well received, in fact, they want me to develop a Facebook page and then coach them through Twitter,(I barely understand that one myself), and then be in charge of it. I have time for that right now, but in the Fall I am going to be taking 12-15 hours o graduate level cousework and hopefully teaching a class or two, and I just dont know if I can committ the time for it. I love volunteering for them, and its nice to be around people who find me interesting and actually capable of doing something, but I have also had some epic arguments with others in that department and they dont like having legal precedent and case law and that kind of stuff thrown at them, so I may have to find a second to run things if I get my Southern up like I did when I was a paid employee.
It was another cold, windy, day up here and because I had to go to my formal meeting and present, I dressed in my finest black jeans and my black banded collar shirt and I made sure all the tattoos were covered, though I did finally break down and wear my damn glasses, so it kinda skewed the whole look into the East German touist vibe again,and that is not conducive to meeting any elgible males. The young fella that I am interested in was a work all day, and my shcedule was all messed up, so it appears that it is going to be a chronic case of the forces moving against us. I did go turn in the rest of the papers over the University to get my funding reinstated, but I am not going to go this Summer, I want the chance to travel, and if I do get the opportunity I dont want classes to hold me back.
I think I need to get more exercise.I am skinny as hell and the size 1 jeans fit me fine other than I do not get why jeans makers feel the need to cut the waist so damn low! I really dont enjoy having my backside in the wind up here, and if I have to squat down or work on something where I am hunkered down, it never fails that one of the dang kids drops something cold down the coin slot or tries to give me a wedgie! Im 41 years old, I am the wedgie inflicter, not the receiver!
Looks like its going to be a summer of taking the kids to movies just about every dang week. They were so excited to see an ad for The Last Airbender, they came running into the living room whooping and hollaring and they jumped on me and knocked my dang chair over backwards! Then they started ,'Earthbending" and "Air Bending" and staging mock battles in the lving room,(makes it really damn hard to write), and telling me that I had to take them. Stubby is all bummed that his dad shaved off his ,"Sokka Doo", I dont think he could stand the fact that I could and did, comb it into a wicked mohawk for the kid on occasion and it was adorable, but with the way Stubbys hair curls forward, it was getting to be a pain and I guess he just found it easier. Sticky really misses his, and he seems to be cussing and growling a lot more than usual, and he damn sure is fighting me over what he is going to wear every day, it took all I had to get him in clean underwear and shoes today, but I won and he was pissed and we ended up having a brawl in the back of the van on the way to school because Stevie dared to sing along with the 100 Monkeys song that Sticky has claimed as his,(Reaper), and he yelled at her to shut up and she threw a book at him and he just went for her, and the next thing you know, all three of them were rolling around in the back of the van, kicking,spitting, throwing punches and acting like a pack of wild animals. I had to pull over and threaten to seatbelt check the lot of them, so its no wonder that some mornings I get up, make my coffee, go sit on the porch and contemplate a vacation, but with the oldest coming home, I can only hope it will get better. I think he finds me to be a decent mom, I mean not too many of friends are willing to listen to the music he listens to most of the time,(emo/screamo),but I try and I show him some of my stuff and we have things to talk about, but we also have things to argue about.Considering I am pretty liberal when it comes to a grown ass persons choice of ,"Partners",I would ahve thought that my son would have developed a fairly calm attitude about me giving up on guys my age, but he is adamant that I should,"Act my age" and not even look at the younger set,but he has no problem with men dating younger women. Im sure we will have some interesting debates when he gets home, but until then I am going to try and raise myself out of this lethargy and get out and do something worthwhile.

Dear Roger, I Need a Man,a Motocycle And The Hell Out Of Flagstaff

I am beginning to wonder if Spring is ever going to really arrive here in the frozen North! I mean,FUCK! its the middle of Goddamned MAY and we are supposed to get more snow over the next couple of days! I had thought we would be done with all of this mess, I mean my traditional Spring bout of last gasp of the schoolyear, kiddie plague has seen fit to strike right as I am supposed to give a presentation in front of the C.A.B. meeting on Tuesday, but apparently I am in the early stages of Strep Throat and I have lost my voice and I feel like crap. Of course you know this would strike right as I am getting prepared to go chasing after the 23 year old, so I am now officially miserable.
I want to get back to Texas so badly for the oldest 2 kids graduation,but considering my financial situation, it doesnt look like that is going to happen. It never fails, I always have some fiscal disaster right as I really need spare cash for something important, and my last months gas bill kicked my bank accounts ass. This month is going to be a little smaller, but still close to 300 bucks, largely because Sticky has an obsession with twisting the thermostat, and some mornings I have gotten up and found it set on the far end and the dogs have decided to try and climb into the fridge to escape the sauna.
I have been writing more over the past couple of days, but I still havent killed him.I wrote up to the curve in the road and then my migraines got to the point that I thought I was going to pull my scalp off and shove my eyeballs through the back of my head. I had started making chapter notes for the progressions, and I managed to pick up after the fact and I am having a lot of success working on the story past that point, but killing him and the immediate after is really an exercise in masochism. The muse that is the older version of the character really helps to push it along, even though the story has some pretty dark themes, but because the pictures that I use is of him smiling, it helps to add some lightness to it in places where things were actually pretty crazy. Sometimes as a writer, I feel like I am speaking an entirely different language than most normal humans,but hell! When have I ever been a ,"Normal" human? Ive been working on some sketches for a sculpture design that I threw out to my ex a few years ago, and I am really wishing I had the capabilities to get it built because I have quite a few sculptures in my head that would really be fantastic installation pieces for some public place, but when you combine giant pine beams,wrought Iron and blown glass as well as running waters, you have to have bucks to bring that kind of stuff to fruition, and I may just have to content myself with my sketches, but you never can tell.
Im a little fed up with the weather, the near constant wind is drying everything out and we will be in High Alert status again in no time if it keeps up,because that damn wind just sucks the life out of everything.
My social occasions look to be few and far between for the next few months, just as I had anticipated, my ex wants to visit the kids when it offers him the least amount of inconveniance, so I am essentially functioning much as I did before he was released, he does the minimum, I am supposed to be the one in charge of every damn thing everydamn time. He has a couple of job leads in the works, but the money he has been paid so far has gone to his Parole fees and extraneous fees and expenses, and on occasion he has bought a gallon of milk or so for the kids. Its very ironic that I am giving a presentation on how Social Networking and resources like Twitter, can and the ability to access them for the poor are essential for rebuilding a sense of connection with the community and helping to give equal access to resources that in many places, only the rich can afford, Im flat assed broke, yet I will go in there tomorrow and discuss this issue with the board and try to persuade them to move away from only allowing funding for land-line phone lines, which limit the ability of the poor, to keep mobile while they are job hunting or attending school.Hell, in some places up on the Rez, they dont even have access to phone lines, and getting the funding switched to prepaid cell phones messaging so that the holder can get tweets about jobs would allow them to be out and looking in person or attending school, and the cost is comparable to a land line and monthly service and you get less services with a land line. The other board members also want me to give them a brief orientation to Twitter and the differences between it and Facebook,(honestly,some have noo clue),and if all goes well, I can start getting them to shift to a more user friendly was of disseminating the funds that we have been placed in charge of, but changing rich peoples attitudes about the poor is never easy, its simply astonishing how many of them think the only poor in this country are ghetto welfare queens and illegal immigrants, they forget that there are some that end up poor due to circumstances, and can even have Masters Degrees and may have never been an addict of any sort. I am the token bright,shiny poor person that also has the caveat of being a Domestic Violence survivor,parent of a child with Downs Syndrome and just about any other social train wreck you could imagine, but I clean up pretty good and I can string words together in a cogent manner, so I love to sneak up on some of the more arrogant privilaged and blow their assumptions out of the water. Being a social activist does have its moments, and I dont really fit the mold, after all, sanctimony really pisses me off, and I do not tell people what to eat or how to dress or anything like that,and I get really annoyed when people try to harass me about my habits, I guess that whole growing up in Texas and hanging out with you in the summers really made me a bit of an enigma.I value children over dogs, though I love my dogs very much.I wont buy a Hybrid because I dont believe in becoming a wage slave to a car company and those damn things just look stupid, and again, back to the Texan thing,my self-image is just a little wrapped up in my ride and I would rather drive a shitty old truck than a shiny new nerd wagon, but I dont drive as much as many people and I am a conserving wild woman. I put 2 tanks of gas in my crappy ride each month and it lasts me. I would prefer to get a cycle for the summer and let the ex use the van for driving the kids around.I miss having a motorcycle, and now that the kids are getting bigger, the desire for getting one is getting stronger.Now I realize that everyone freaks out over the whole,'racing the train across the crossing" thing, but that was over a decade ago and the constant weather changes up here remind me that my bones and joints are paying the price for my motorcycle issues, and I dont intend to date a biker because I.Dont. Ride.Bitch,if I am going to be on a bike, I am going to be in control of the fun.