Dear Roger: Monkeys in the Bedroom, and Other Things That Are Best Not Contemplated in Polite Company

"What happened mom? What happened?" Stubby asked me that tonight, and I have to say that I was just sitting in my room this morning wondering just that. I woke up, all bleary eyed and exhausted from weird dreams, to find the mug of a rather cute young man within my eye shot, but rather than being pleased, I groaned and rolled over and found myself face to furry face with 3 monkeys that had somehow migrated into my bed during the night. I no longer have a room to myself, (in case you were thinking my life had suddenly gotten really exciting), noo...I actually ended up caving in and getting a washer and dryer, which meant that my daughter had to surrender her private little alcove,(formerly known as the laundry room), and she has now moved into my bedroom. She was supposed to occupy part of the room, but in true Stevie Rae fashion, she moved in and simply took over. My desk is now her, "Art Studio", the closet is now her,"Stuffies salon", and I will be relinquishing my queen sized bed for a full sized bed at the first of the month so that I can get her a regular twin sized bed that will accommodate her monkeys in a comfortable fashion. She commandeered the lower half of my bedside table for her Harry Potter library, and she hung pictures of her favorite boy all over my room. I drew the line at her breaching the walls actually around my bed its self, but he is all front and center, right over my bedside table, so when I woke up, it was monkeys in all shapes and sizes right THERE, I guess its a good thing I have given up ever actually dating in any constructive manner, so I guess my room looking like some tweeny-bait nightmare will be my deep dark secret that only me, my kids and the maintenance men that I have to actually work with,(and who now will be able to tease me mercilessly about it), will ever see.

I do supposedly have a date on Friday with a real, live male, at least as of yesterday afternoon I did. Who knows what the hell he has found via Google that may have caused him to come to his senses in the mean time? I'm not too worried about it. He sounds interesting, maybe fun, but I don't get all wound up about anybody anymore. The last guy to make me weak in the knees and to get my hands shaking was a giant of a boy who thought my tattoo was,'Cool".

Having a washer and dryer actually back in the house makes life soo much simpler for me. My eldest is supposed to be doing the laundry, but getting a teen boy to do laundry properly is like trying to get him to actually put away his clean clothes even when they are folded and stacked neatly on his bed. I would have better luck if I stacked them on his guitar, unless of course it happened to be the time the cat peed on his guitar case.

We may be short a cat if that happens again. My eldest son is not a cat fan most of the time anyway, but for the cat to pee on any of his guitar stuff? If he could have caught the cat, it would not have gone well for the cat. Its never done anything like that before, so I have no idea what would prompt it to do that to of all things his high dollar damn gig bag, but there was no denying it and it couldn't be blamed on Spencer. Im hoping it was just a rare event that was because the cat was annoyed at him or something, and not the start of a behavior that will be a serious problem, there are only soo many places the cat can hide in this apt and the other kids dont need to learn all those creative cuss words like my son used when he found the pee.

Dear Roger:Refereeing Monkey Related Brawls

There are days that I have to wonder how any parents remain semi-sane. I can be sitting peacefully, minding my own business, and then all of the sudden I am surrounded by them. "What are you doing, mom? Why are you so quiet? Are you depressed? What are you reading? Look what I can do! One time, at school, my friend, Alexie, he ate a piece of gum from under the desk. MOM! He hit me! Whats for dinner? Can I have a snack? Can I watch a movie? Can I use your computer? Can you go on Pottermore? Want to make a new video? Theres nothing to drink!" Add into this the various aromas that drift around them and their teen brother, along with the brawls that break out over seemingly nothing, and you have a recipe for rapid growth insanity.

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch, just trying to check my bank account and maybe read the online newspaper since I am not allowed to watch the news on tv anymore since its,'Depressing and stupid" according to my teen, when the foulest aroma I have smelled since I was a forensic investigator drifted across my nose. I quickly pulled my t-shirt up over my nose as my teen son started laughing next to me on the couch. "Mom, I think those breakfast sandwiches you bought for me were a bad idea." I found out how much of a bad idea as he proceeded to foul the apartment the rest of the evening. I swear, candles we lit to dispel the foul aroma, burned brighter he was soo disgusting.

Having one bathroom has led to some serious conflicts of scheduling. My teen tends to hibernate in the bathroom to indulge in his, whatever the hell teens do in there for an hour at a time, and he forgets that he has 3 siblings who are not only devious and shameless, they also have small bladders. I have given up locking the bathroom door when I shower. I just tell them to not flush and to shut the door when they are done and I am thankful for opaque, monkey covered shower curtains. My son, tries to keep them out. Not a smart move because that leads to revenge seeking. The cold glasses of ice water tossed at him while he was in the shower sent a message that they were willing to break in and do bad things, but he retaliated instead of just accepting that they needed to come in and pee and leave. I drew the line when they grabbed his towel and as he chased them into the living room. No one needs to see that. The rule of the house is no naked in the living room. You would think it would be a simple rule to follow, but I have monkeys and its harder than you expect.

Speaking of monkeys, I have to get the boys something they value and love as much as my daughter loves her Jackson. For sanity's sake. My eldest son loves his guitars, so when hes being a jerk, she knows she can go right for that guitar and threaten its life and he will back off. The two younger boys are not emotionally invested in anything so they really don't have anything she can leverage against them and they terrorize her by stealing he Jackson and doing horrible things to him. I have had to rescue that monkey out of more boy pants and dog beds lately than I care to think about and the only thing that put a stop to it was the voice of doom followed by threats of a dire nature. Its for their own good, she gets pretty wound up and protective over that monkey and her Jackson stuff. Its bad enough they trash talk her favorite boy. She punched Stub in the mouth the other day and they both ended up in time out ,(sanity break for mom) for a half hour. Shes tough and very over-protective. Ive told her that boy couldn't give a damn about what some little snot nosed 9 year old says about him, but she just cried and said,"I give a damn!" The drama is just beginning I'm afraid.

Dear Roger; Busy Hands Keep The Heart From Hurting

I'm very busy lately, between seeing to the needs of my four kids, my pup, Spencer and working and writing when I have a spare moment to sit down, I have not had time to dwell on the the pain that October usually brings me. Its not that I have forgotten him, but I think I have finally moved to the point in the grieving process after a couple of decades, where its more acceptance. My sister dealing with the loss of her best friend to suicide made me face the fact that I really don't have the luxury of being able to wallow in my own grief any longer. I need to be able to be strong for her.

I still mourn you, and all my family that I have lost too soon, but I have to keep moving forward and taking time for myself is something I cannot afford to do at this point. I have soo much weighing on me constantly. I am the soul support of myself and my four kids. My ex contributes nothing to us but stress.

He says he is coming to Portland in two weeks when the foreclosure on the house is a,'Done deal". He has been busily selling off everything of value out of it, (mostly my things), and that breaks my heart. He sold my mahogany mansion bed the other day. A bed that was the first piece of brand new furniture that I bought for myself with money I earned after I finished my college degree. I paid $1200 for the frame and I was very proud of it. It had a fancy mattress with a super thick memory foam topper and all kinds of fancy sheets and what not. It was my sinful luxury and he sold it for $130, for everything including some of my sheets. My custom made, oak and maple, hand inlaid side tables that the kids at the local high school made while I was the assistant teacher? Tables that would go for over $250 each? He sold for $20. I had to quit listening to him gloat after a while. He would say that he wasnt gloating, that he was mearly telling me, but he was enjoying the fact he knew he had me in tears. He thinks he won, but he didnt really. He will be homeless in 2 weeks. He has done it to himself. Who in the hell loses a home that has a payment of $572 a month? He doesnt pay child support. He never will and I know that. I have gotten the kids what they need their entire lives, and I expect to continue doing just that. My kids know I am the one who takes care of things. My daughter said that this afternoon before she left for church. "I appreciate all you do mom. I know you are the one who takes care of things for us because Ed wont." She saw me as I came in from work, filthy dirty and bone tired and more than a little bummed that my eldest son had done nothing that I had asked him to do. I had not only worked all day long, I had done 4 loads of laundry, and folded it. All I had asked him to do was finish off the two loads left and put away all the clean stuff. I had done all the dishes, and worked my ass off, he had done nothing...nada except sit on his butt and play his guitar since he got home from school,(well, that and eat),and when I called him on it, he gave me attitude and all I saw was my ex standing there blaming me for not getting all the laundry done and not working more hours. It was hard to bite my tongue and just throw the snark he threw at me, right back at him in an equal amount without taking it to a destructive level,and then I just said,"Fine...I dont know what I expected from a boy. I will just do it myself because God knows I am used to doing all the work and taking care of everything and everybody because there are no men left in the world, its the women who have to carry everything." He stood there a minute and then huffed at me and stomped into the room and put the laundry away. He still didnt get the other loads of laundry done, and I will have to try and fit that in amongst everything else tomorrow, but at least he got the point.

Training the new puppy is going well. He is pretty smart and hes healthy and growing quick. He has already learned to walk on the leash and sit as well as fetch, though actually bringing it back to me is a work in progress. Hes gotten the house breaking thing down and as long as people pay attention to him, he doesnt make any mistakes. The needle sharp puppy teeth are a bit of a drag as he prefers to taste everything and everyone, but a good, solid, nip once or twice has pretty much put a stop to him chewing on me,but the kids are still a bit squeamish about biting a dog.

Dear Roger: Dont Hump The Monkey!

So maybe getting Spencer a monkey chew toy wasn't the brightest of ideas. I thought it was cute. He liked it and he drug it around all over the house by the leg or the head, chewing on it and yes, off and on, humping it. He is a male puppy. Boys are weird, we have established that al long time ago. Daughter kept picking the monkey up and setting it out of his reach, and occasionally when he was working it over, she would make distressed noises and try to hand him his other chew toy which he doesn't much care for. When we were eating dinner the other night and Spencer was assaulting it in inappropriate ways, she asked,"What is he doing to that poor monkey?" I said that he was just wrestling with it, (after all, she is 7), but my ever helpful, watched too damn much Animal Planet, son, Stubby had to go and say, "No mom, hes trying to mate with it!" The look on her face was priceless, and everyone laughed, but she was not happy. She yelled,"Spencer! that's not appropriate at dinner time!" and then she marched over and took the monkey away from him and put it in her room. I knew things were about to get ugly last night when Stubby kept teasing her about Spencer getting bigger and ripping apart the monkey like Ferg used to rip apart his play toys, and then Stub made the fatal mistake, he said,"Im going to give him Jackson!"

No blood was drawn, and I managed to get them separated enough to prevent any serious injuries, but it was a close thing. She will do something vile to her brothers in their sleep one of these days for all the teasing and harassment they put her through, and honestly...I would have to testify on her behalf. They have been unrelenting lately and him threatening Jackson was the last straw. He got sent to bed early, and I spent a good hour talking her out of doing horrible things to him and calming her down.

Shes been in a rough spot lately. As the only girl in the house,(besides me and I dont count), she gets all the teasing and harassment. They gang up on her teasing her about her favorite fella, hiding her monkey, messing up her drawings, interrupting her skits and singing, and just attempting to make her crazy. She was like the only child for over and year, and now she is competeting with her brothers for time and attention and space as well as having to put up with all the crap they do to her. I am amazed she hasn't snapped more than she has.Some people tell me that growing up with 3 older brothers will make her tougher, I guess they have that right, but it will also make her meaner and a hell of a lot more likely to kick ass first and ask questions later, especially when a monkey is involved.

Dear Roger: Back to Over-Achieving

As if I didn't have enough to do, I have adopted a dog and I am working on training it as a therapy dog. Hes already been a much needed salve for my wounded soul, and just by having him and his goofy puppy self around, I feel happier and less stressed out for some reason. I dont know if its that new pup smell, or if if the fact that cuddling something that just listens and loves to cuddle without demanding anything is what I needed. Hes going to be a moose. Hes half Bull Mastiff, half Bloodhound and his paws are huge. Hes an odd color for that combination, (black with white markings), but I can see the underlying brown around his nose and eyes and hes got the mastiff muzzle and eyes with the hound ears and tail. Hes cute as hell and seems to be pretty damn smart. Hes already learned to lead and potty training is going well. The only accident has been on sons watch when he put him down on the rug before taking him out. Lucky it was a cheap rug from Ikea and it will wash.

He was flea ridden when I got him so before I even brought him in the house I went and bought a flea treatment and put it on him. He needs his shots and worming and a myriad of things that all pups need, and I have that scheduled for the first week of the month. I have decided to wait on the neutering until hes around 6months old, in order to give him some time to mature, the only drawback to that is that he has already spent a great deal of time humping his monkey chew toy, much to my eldest sons amusement and daughters horror.

Crate training is going well. He likes to have the space away from all the commotion and it gives me a place to put him where I know hes not eating sons guitar. I was never a fan of crating until I moved into an apartment, but I think its a great idea.

The kids have been over the moon with him. There was quite a debate over his name, and daughter got shouted down pretty quickly when she tried to suggest,"Jackson", so she was annoyed at us for a while, but my oldest son suggested Spencer, and daughter quickly supported it, and I really couldn't find anything wrong with the idea, so the new guy is named 'Spencer".

Stubby spends a lot of time in the floor, laying down next to him, talking to him, and that is what I was hoping for. Stub needs that. Sticky and the pup play all over the house and the pup seems to be really gentle with him, which is wonderful. My daughter has already asked me to build a saddle for him so her monkey,"Jackson" can ride him around. The humor is never ending around here now.

Work has kept me very busy this last week. I worked as an extra one day for a new show that is coming out this fall. It wasn't as much fun as working on Portlandia. I doubt I would do it again.

Daughter is still finishing her weeks worth of homework in less than a 1/2 hour and finding her spelling words and math to be a joke. She took a timed math test where she was supposed to complete as many as possible in 2 minutes. She took time to argue with her brother and throw a pencil, and still finished them all in 1.45 seconds. I talked to the principal about advancing her a grade or two in order to keep her from getting bored, or at least putting her in advanced English and Math classes and maybe leaving her in her class for everything else, though her art and such is also advanced for her class, he is supposed to be setting something up. Hopefully they will figure something out quick, the child has a temper and is already showing signs of frustration and boredom. If shes like this at 7, by the time she is a teen, she will be on the road to dropping out in frustration, just like I was.

My sis is still struggling with the suicide of her friend.I have tried to explain to her, that its not what she did or didn't do that would have made a difference, when the pain is that deep, its hard to pull back from that edge, you have to have some pretty deep and well set anchors and if you dont, then its easy to just take that final step off the edge. I have stood on that edge, one foot out into the space over the abyss, ready to drop and what pulled me back was a voice that said,"Mommy?" Without him I would have fallen and even then I have walked the razors edge. Self-loathing, depression, weariness of the soul, are hard things to fight. If you are alone or surrounded by friends, those things just seep into your soul and pull your down until you feel like you have nothing left. My sis is hopefully starting to understand, but suicide destroys those around it just as much as it does the person who commits it.

Dear Roger:Explaining The Seemingly Unexplainable

My sisters best friend shot and killed herself a few days ago. It was a huge shock to everyone because she seemed to have it all, a fantastic career, a good husband, and a happy life, and she was a tough chick who everyone saw as the ,'Strong one". But for some reason she saw fit to very coldly and calculatingly, lay out all her work materials so they could be returned, write letters to her husband and family, and then post a note on her front door telling her husband not to come into the house, to call the sheriffs department, and then once it was all laid out, she shot herself.

I grew up with this woman. We had fought when we were younger, made our peace as we got older and she was my sisters best friend, God mother to my nieces and nephews. I respected her as someone who really had her shit together and I counted on her to keep an eye on my sister.

When my sister called to tell me, she was understandably devastated and confused as to why her friend would do this horrible thing, but then she started telling me about what all had been going on in her life and I started to understand. The chick had always been, "The strong one, the tough one" and the person everyone looked to that would keep forging ahead when things got bad.She was the one everyone counted on to fight back the monsters and clean up the mess. She was battle weary.

Im not excusing her. But I understand her. Its scary to me though, because she had so many more reasons to keep going on and to keep fighting. Yeah, her family was just as fucked up as mine, but she had a great husband. She had a great career that she had just gotten promoted in and she never had to worry about money. I am constantly struggling and cant even afford a car. She had friends that she lunched with and went places with and regular human contact with a live man. I have a couple of friends I talk to a few times a week, and though its slowly getting better, I sometimes have gone for days on end without talking to another adult. As for contact from a man? Its been years. Pressure to perform...she was in a high stress job with demands on her time that involved peoples lives. If she didn't do what she was supposed to do and do it well, people could suffer and die. She traveled a lot and was under a lot of pressure caring for a sick family member as well. Believe it or not, that eats you more than anything else. That daily push to keep bringing in the resources to keep your world afloat, to keep everyone fed and clothed and alive, and to care for people who depend on you absolutely for everything...sometimes it leaves you nothing of yourself. The loneliness just builds and it becomes harder and harder to snap back from each loss or each stress. You begin to see yourself as a failure and as weak for not being better at what you do and you start to dwell on all the sins and mistakes of your past and you wonder about all the,"what ifs", you begin to dread the start of yet another day and another battle. Its not that you hate the people around you, its just that you hate yourself more for failing them.

It could be parents that made you feel like nothing you ever did was good enough, or peers that always seemed to be after your job and trying to stab you in the back, or that brass ring that was always just out of reach, something was missing. She had lost loved ones close to her and that takes a huge bite out of you. Not having close family connections and then losing the few that you are close to, can leave you feeling like you are adrift in the ocean with sharks underneath and nothing to cling to. Friends or family cant save you. You have to save yourself and finding a reason every morning to get up and keep breathing is sometimes the hardest thing to do. Laying in bed, thinking about how lonely it is, how much stress you have to deal with, all the demands on your day with no resolution to the problems unless you come up with them, is sometimes a horrible feeling. You dont want to face it. Even if you do have someone next to you, you can feel alone and lost, and if you are alone, its all the more difficult. Some people just have it in them to keep getting up and putting on their boots and facing the daily battle because they know its the right thing to do for the ones depending on them. She, I think, had reached a point where she believed the ones she was getting up for were okay on their own, and she was weary of facing it.

I am sad she quit. It scares me because if someone like her, who had her shit together and had it all, quits so early in the fight, then where does that leave the fuck-ups like me?

Dear Roger:Arguing for Arguings Sake and Souless Gingers?

Sometimes I have to wonder if my eldest son doesnt have a bit of a daredevil, Jackass, self-destructive streak in him? Last night was a prime example of why I have to wonder these things. He knows how his sister feels about young Jackson Rathbone, he knows that his little brother will take the other side of any argument and stubbornely and pugilistically defend it, to the point of partially destroying the house. So when he casually remarked at the dinner table after church that,'Gingers dont have souls, and Oh By the way Sis, Jackson is a ginger." I KNEW it was about to get interesting when Stubby jumped up and squawked,"You are wrong! Everyone has a soul!" Little girl fell out of her chair onto the floor clutching her monkey while her big brother grinned at me and went on eating his pizza.

I had to ask him."Why?" It had been a relatively peaceful evening. Eveyone had enjoyed church. I had enjoyed my peace and quiet at home, and I was looking forwad to sending them all to bed shortly and then going to sleep myself, but with dropping that bomb in the middle of the table, I knew it was going to be heated.

We do often engage in a family hobby of,'Defend your side." Its yet another one of the games I came up it and its a take on my days on the mock trial team from college where a topic is basically put on trial and one of the kids is the defence, another is the prosecution and I am, of course the judge. We hold a trial to see if the topic or sometimes even if the child is guilty of the offence and what the punishment should be. Its how we decided to ban video games, most tv programs, and quite a few other things. it gets the kids thinking. Daughter is really good at it and she will argue a stone to tears. Stubby is not so good at it. He tends to get angry and stomp off and throw a baby fit.

Son started presenting evidence about why he believed the aforementioned were gingers and thus souless, and I quickly disarmed daughter of the ballbat and reminded her that while wanting to defend the boy she adores and prays for daily is an honorable thing, using violence to do it is probably not the best way. I got her to start thinking up her arguements in his defense while Stubby just started getting louder and angrier. He is like a terrier. He gets wound up and angry and then wont let go of something until its dead or ripped apart, so I knew unless we got him settled or distracted quickly, it was all going to end badly. Daughter started presenting her arguments,(and subtle threats to my eldest son) and I had to say I was impressed. She will make a hell of a lawyer, (or assassin) when she is older. Son She glared at Stubby for interrupting her arguments and told him that if he didnt sit down and be quiet was going to,"Put a hurting on him" because,'Souls were at stake" and since she had been going to church longer she felt like more of an authority to handle it. At that point, Stubby stomped off to pout for a bit, and my eldest son listened to her arguments a bit longer and then tried to annoy her more by just picking on something else about her favorite boy, but she said,"You are just jealous, so I am done talking to you." and she took her monkey and left. I say she won that one. Stubby needs to work on his technique. He has always been more emotionally fragile than my other children and I try to get his older brother to see that, but its hard to know what to do. I mean do you continue to baby him and tell people to not pick on him because he will stomp off and cry, or do you work to help him become stronger and less likely to do that? Ive been struggling with that one since I got him back. Sticky tends to stay out of these, he knows they can get loud, and often boisterous, and often he is the one who contributes the topic for the trials.

Last night we also held one to ban all inappropriate tv for ALL kids in the house. My eldst son had a bad habit of watching objectionable shows when the little kids were around and even allowing them to watch. I dont allow the little kids to watch,"South Park,(though I like it)family Guy,Cleveland,American Dad, Bobs Burgers" or any of those garbage reality shows like,"Jersey Shore" and I tend to look down on people who do. So when Sticky came into the kitchen last night chanting,'DICK!" I was like,'What the HELL is going on?" Stubby dimed him off and said that they were watching,"SouthPark" with their brother and one of the characters had been saying that. Oh. Hell. NO. Big brother got in trouble,little boys got in trouble, and the edict was passed that if any small children were caught watching any of the aforementioned shows, that ALL television would be shut off for an entire MONTH.

Stubby promptly announced that it was not gingers that were souless, it was me.