Dear Roger: And Now Its Time To Say GoodBye

The boys who used to be friends, who helped me find myself to this point in my path, used to end their concerts with something they called the,"Thank You Song" and in it, Jackson would thank each member of the band and showcase them for a moment, and then thank the audience and all those who contributed to the odd little wonderful moment in time that was the 100 Monkeys. It was fun and often was followed by a little break and then an encore, this is my,"Thank You" and my encore is elsewhere, a path that few will follow with me because its even more complicated and twisty than anything the 100 Moneys and those odd young men and even their complicated lives could have imagined.

I wont be writing you here after tonight. Ive been contemplating how to say my farewell, and while I am not a fan of goodbyes,(I much prefer the less final,"See you later"), this is a goodbye to this name, this page and this way of being and this life.  I have grown, changed and found myself and I have no regrets other than maybe missing SBL this year for a damn job, and never getting a real, bonafied Ben Grauper hug, or maybe never being able to see more than one damn tour stop of those kids, but that is the breaks, life rolls on and kids grow up and forget you and sadly you find yourself finding that other things hold precedence over your love of a ragtag band of pretty little boys that made good music and that is where I have found myself.

I published 3 books, wrote a helluva lot more, and guess what? I need to get off my ass and publish them and I will be, here in the near future. Where I came to Portland a shadow, not talking, angry and wanting to die with no hope or dreams, I am leaving this page a new person who walks straight and I am SHINY,(You other Browncoats get that shit, doncha?), I have been through a LOT. Had my fucking heart ripped out, shit on and crushed and then lit on fire and I stomped it out, dusted it off, crammed it back into place and said,"Well? His loss, fuck HIM!" and I got my revenge by keeping moving forward and knowing I dont need anyone to hold my hand to get shit done. I cranked back up my favorite Graupner tunes that he always hated and I went right back to pushing forward on my own and that is how I reached this point in my path where its time to say farewell to this place that was my home and venting board. 

To those of you who have supported me, commented and followed me, I thank you and I wish you well and I hope you find peace on your journeys. As for the young men that were the inspiration for me to start mine? I wish each and every one of them and their loved ones  peace, love, joy and and especially for the missing one that was the constant voice in my ears as I fought the hardest of my battles, please know that you are never far from many peoples thoughts and hopes for your happiness and peace and that you are missed more than a little.

Dear Roger: Memories of Burning Mountains

In the early 1990's I was at loose ends and unsure what I wanted to be when I,"Grew Up". Burnt out on college, dealing with trying to pull my life back together and out of the Dallas party culture before I found myself at the bottom of Lake Ray Hubbard, I got in my truck and headed west to Arizona and the one place that had always been a safe haven for me, my grandmothers house. She allowed me a couple of weeks to mope and hang out with my uncle and then it was,'Get off your butt, get a job, or get in school, but you keep moving forward."

I met a man who was a paramedic firefighter and he introduced me to a tiny rural fire department called Rio Rico Fire District and it was a turning point for my entire life. Class after class was offered to me, and I discovered that even more exciting than drinking and racing through the Metroplex at top speed, was responding to calls for service as a volunteer firefighter. 

My early training was that of a Wildland firefighter and that was where I found my groove. Hiking miles into the Nogales mountains to put out fires on the sides of mountains that were caused by either lightning or border crossers, (who would sometimes set them when they got lost and needed help),was dirty, exhausting, and dangerous. We carried just the tools on our backs;usually just shovels, axes, pulaskis, chainsaws and our fire shelters, euphemistically called our,"Shake and bakes". 

It was every firefighters worst fear, to hear a voice crackle across the radio saying,"No route out, deploy shelters NOW!" Often we discussed what we would do, run or deploy? I always knew I would just run. The shelters were terrifying tools that did not guarantee life, in fact, the salty old chief who trained me and my young crew in their use advised us that we might not even want to live if we had to deploy them. We were told that if they had to be used, then we were facing certain injury and burns. As I stood in position with my shelter, waiting to drop to the ground with it over me, he walked the line of us pointing out the members of my team who had shed their gloves,"You will lose all your fingers, maybe your hands too because you took off your gloves. You will cook the top of your head, put your damn helmet back on. You, put your damn pack back on, you want to lose all the skin on your back and ass? Pull up your bandannas over your faces, tuck your chins to your chests, try to bury your faces in the dirt as much as possible to protect them and breathe shallow breathes to keep the super-heated air to a minimum, but if you are in a thickly covered, brushy area, you are fucked! Find dirt and get in it." He had us drop and cover with the bulky, canvas-like shelters and then he walked among us, pulling and tugging on them to simulate the stress that the weather a fire would create would put on them. After a while it got quiet and we lay there, the rocks and ants as well as the sweltering Arizona heat making us miserable as we contemplated the horror of having to use such a device and I knew then, as a survivor of being burned as a child, I would never be able to do it, I would run and just a few short months later on the side of one of those mountains, I did,  I ran like hell itself was after me, and I escaped with only losing the hair on the back of my neck, parts off the backs of my ears, and 6 weeks of dispatch duty for disobeying a direct order. 

Storm King happened during my service as a firefighter, and standing memorial for those firefighters hurt, and it still does. I remember hearing about it and how it changed how we did things in public safety in the days before all the fancy technology and GPS. I had hopes with all the changes in tech and things available that maybe things had advanced in fire shelter technology so that there was a better chance for those who had to deploy them, that maybe there was some kind better reflective cloth or better cooling system, something, anything that would make the lives of the crews a little less risky, but it appears that there have been no advancements, that the same damn military spec lined canvas shelter that does nothing much more that offer containment for the recovery, and that is sad. We lost 14 on Storm King, now 19 in Arizona, and that's just THIS YEAR, and its the ones that are getting attention because they are in such huge amounts, but Wildland Firefighters/Hotshots, die almost every single season! They put their lives on the line to save property and lives because the Forest Service often doesn't or cant thin the forest the way they need to in order to prevent disasters, so we mourn for a few weeks, then move on to going back to castigating a little old Southern lady for admitting she said a bad word 20 years ago.

Shame on us. 

Dear Roger:Someone Who Gets Your Weird

Things are sort of back to normal,(at least our kind of normal), I lost my shit, had a good soul cleansing, heart ripped apart, cry and then he dragged me out for Zombie Marathon training and I poured all that angst and pain into one helluva run time. I mean, seriously, I kicked ass, but he figured out I was hurting and he didn't like the fact I was fueling my workout with pain, so he made me talk it out and we found our rhythm again. Yeah, it will never be what I wish I had, he still likes cock and I still don't have one, but he is still my best friend I love with all my pathetic excuse of a heart and he gets I'm pretty messed up and unsure of what to make of myself and my life.
I'm not a lesbian, because for sure I don't like chicks at all. Most of the time I don't even like being around women because they annoy me. I'm not girly and have no girly skills and I just end up weirded out and confused when too many of them are around me. I like guys, but I like guys who know their place and who are submissive and just kind of know when to shut up and do what they are told. I also like them quirky and a bit weird, so it makes it pretty much impossible to find what I am looking for because they tend to be with other quirky, weird guys. I prefer the company of my boy. He is funny and articulate and he listens to me and hes just a damn good, decent human being that I would fight the demons of hell for, because hes proven to me that hes just worth it,(even though he is currently laying here snoring like a sawmill going through petrified wood)hes not got a bad bone in his body.
My kids love him and call him their,"Stepdad", my ex refers to him as my,"Gay accountant husband" and my eldest son may occasionally bitch and complain about having to share my attention with him, but he is also very protective of him and considers him a member of the family.
I love this young, special man that has wandered into my life, and while its not a perfect or storybook love that so many of my friends seem to have, its a love that while fraught with trial and error, and often pain and learning, its a love that comes from the heart and grows as its cultivated by all of us in our home. As long as I have it, I will value it, treasure it and help him to become the man I know he will be, and watch him move into the world as he needs to, either with me or without, but assuredly with love all around.
We are training in earnest for the Seattle Zombie Run that takes place August 24th and while that has been fun, it has also been exhausting. We started off just power walking for endurance and once we got up to 5 miles a night, we figured it was time to move to the cross-country aspect of it. I got him an Iphone and we added the Zombies,Run app and there began the real insanity. You really have to pick your playlists carefully because I found that some of my favorite musicians are long winded s,o,b,'s and it been had to coordinate run times.We found a park that has really steep trails and off road terrain that is great for the obstacle course aspect of the marathon and we have been utilizing it as best we can, (without killing ourselves), on a daily basis.
I am seeing a huge difference in him and myself and I thinks its a great plan for the both of us,

Dear Roger: Foolish, Foolish Heart

A long time ago I vowed to never let myself fall in love again. I was tired of being hurt and I felt I was just too badly damaged from the past to be able to provide anything of value to anyone else, and it was also after the realization that while I had loved, I had never been loved in return with the same depth and devotion. I am one of those people that are easily forgotten when I am not around. I have always been a guardian and a caregiver, and someone who enjoys taking care of others, but I never seem to find the like. For close to four years I have lived a solitary life, even limiting the contact with friends to very casual internet based relationships or intermittent social engagements that mostly revolved around music. My life has been; work, support the kids, clean the house, write, and repeat up until about a year ago.
I am not a person who makes friends easily, I tend to be judgmental and wary,(especially of men), and for someone to catch my eye they have to be pretty damn special, and he is special. Its not that I found him to be drop-dead handsome, or even close to what would typically catch my interest, but the kindness in his eyes and his humor caught me, and then over the past year just getting to know him as we became closer and closer friends and he became more and more involved in my life, and I in his, he unintentionally found his way inside my cold stone heart and he cracked it.
Ill admit it, against all reason and logic and sanity, my stupid, stupid heart fell very badly in love with him. I have fought it very hard. I have spent time trying to help him move along his path in the world so he could one day achieve his dream, and I've been helping him remake himself and get into shape and improve his self-image so he would see the beautiful and wonderful man that he is, in the hopes that I would be happy for him when he found Mr. Right. Yeah...MR. Right, he's gay. See what I mean about my heart being stupid? In its defense he is the most hetero gay man we have ever met, but hes gay and we know that, but it didn't listen and every day we fell a little deeper, even when I helped him adjust his profile on a dating site so he could start meeting people after a breakup with his last horrible ex.
He lives with me, I drive him to work,and I look forward to him getting home in the afternoons so I can hear about his day before we take our evening walk. Prior to this weekend we had fallen into the rhythm of an old married couple, with the kids counting on him for help with homework and he had stepped up as a father figure to them. We consulted together on shopping and household expenses and we made decisions together, and made plans together to go camping and take vacations after the drama of this stressful month of work was over, but then the reality of just what and where I am came slamming home to me.
Some people from Texas I have known for a very long time came to town for a Gay social event called,"Bear Town", wanting to visit with them and increase his social circle, I introduced them thinking they would keep him safe and introduce him to some people. We had a good time the initial day they arrived and then we made plans to attend a Burlesque show Thursday,(which we did and had fun), but then Friday he got invited out to a more risque party along with some guy he met online and he went,(I drove him), and I got a text at midnight that he was not coming home.
Devastation? Shockingly, Yes.He had always seemed to have a stronger moral code than someone who would just engage in a random hookup, one night stand after a first date. Trying to process all the feelings that went through me will take weeks but first and foremost was anger. Not at him, never at him. I still love him as much as I ever did because he would not want this and he would be upset if he knew. Hes always been honest and direct about what he is and his predilections. I am angry at myself and I hate myself and my stupid, weak heart for allowing this to happen.
I don't know what to do at this point other than to just shut myself off completely. I wrap myself up in my work already as much as possible, and I had relished the times with him because he is the one thing that makes it all worth it, the one person who never complains or gripes at me or gives me a hard time, and who seems to actually appreciate what I do. I don't even get that from my kids. We do things together,(well, we did), now that he is out doing who and whatever, I wonder if that will stop? Or when the older and somewhat more loosely moralized gays leave, will he go back to the way he was?
I gave up on love because I quite believing in it because it never came my way, and because its just obviously not meant to be for me, and I am doomed to be the one forever supporting others on their way to finding it elsewhere.

Dear Roger: All For Naught?

I don't know the exact moment when I lost my life, but it seemed to happen slowly for me, especially since I had always been a somewhat selfish and daredevil type person. I lived a lifestyle of someone who really didn't expect to live a long life, but it was going to be a fun life packed with as much adventure and debauchery as possible, but then one day I got a wake up call in the form of a little curly haired, blue eyed, dimpled , baby boy that had no one to count on but me. His biological father had not been inclined to contribute anything other than some dna that he felt necessary to force upon me, and death threats for both of us when I contacted him with the news he was going to be a father, I guess when one is a paramedic, the only lives one cares about are those of strangers, but thus I digress. The baby boy only had me; erratic, immature, selfish, ME. I wasn't sure what to do with him at first but then he looked at me with those big blue eyes and something came over me and I knew that I had to do  my best for him no matter what, and my best was taking whatever jobs I could find, getting back into school so I could eventually get better paying jobs, and it meant that I stopped all the things that I used to do FOR myself.
For close to the last two decades I have lived for that little boy, (and his siblings), I made tough choice, gave up friends, dreams, pride, and travel to make sure he had things he wanted and needed. I'm not crying about it, its simply the way things are supposed to be. I struggled, I was humiliated from time to time, asking strangers for help when my health became so tenuous that I could not work enough to provide well for the little boy, I have sat in public assistance offices under the cold glare of the cheap lighting and felt like I wanted to sink through the floor, I have read the posts on my friends Facebooks walls about how they they welfare recipients are scum, and I cringe and think to myself that I wonder if they have any idea how humiliating and hard it is for someone who has had it all, then lost it all and struggled to take care of a child on their on while trying to get the father to help out, to real that kind of post from,"Friends" but I never say anything, I just pretend I didn't see it and I read on down and see their next post about how they think abortion is murder, and I remember about how that is what the father demanded that I end the little boy that way and how for one desperate moment when I realized I was going to be kicked out of Paramedic school and lose my job as an EMT, I considered it, but then I say nothing and I remember how much I loved that little boy from the moment he was placed in my arms.
He was a sweet child, all curls and dimples and big blue eyes and polite manners that charmed the hell out of everyone who met him. He has always been strikingly handsome and he was an outstanding student up until he reached high school, and even when life at home became difficult due to the situation with my exhusband, the little boy tried his best to be the hero. He started to change after he became a teenager, and while that is expected, he became a hostile and angry young man.
Ive tried soo many things to help him, he wanted to stay in one place, we stayed in one place until the reason he wanted to stay was not working out. He wanted to try online high school I let him try online high school. He wanted to go back to high school, I helped him go back. He wanted to move, we moved. We finally got a car, finally moved to a great neighborhood, finally have a great life looking right at us and he just seems to be angry all the time. His girlfriend was being abused at home so I allowed her to move in so she could finish high school in a safe environment. I thought that would make him happy, but it didn't. Nothing I do seems to make him happy anymore, and there are no more sweet hugs or,"Mom, I love you's: from him. In fact, there haven't been for a long time. We move around each other in the house much like my ex and I did, he like an angry lion about to strike out at me, and I like a nervous mouse. I cannot do anything, or say anything right so I have given up trying and I just go to work, do my job and come home at the end of the day, hopeful he is elsewhere so I will not incite his wrath again and hear the words that made me truly feel like my life was over, "I fucking hate you, you are the worst mother ever, I wish you would just go die."

Dear Roger: Kill Me or Cure Me?

Lately life has become a constant,"WTF?" I haven't been in my kitchen to cook in weeks, those duties have been taken over by my kids who have decided that we are going vegetarian,(they are trying to slide vegan past me), and not only is there no longer any meat in the house, what is in the house is constantly, disgustingly, healthy! No greasy snacks, no junk food, and no processed anything. I think my body has somewhat gone into shock. I do still have my coffee and that is the one saving grace I have and the fact that they have been making homemade bread and rolls and things like that to keep me from running to the nearest convenience store in search of a HoHo.
I am also getting regular exercise. Its not some 15 minutes on a treadmill kind of BS either, my best friend seems determined to walk the legs the hell off of me so we take off every evening and we walk for close to an hour. Its not some slow, meander either, we are power-walking /almost jogging and we are getting some distance on us. We walk up to Reed college and around there up to the main drag near our house and then back around and home. Its a bit wearing in crappy chucks, but I sleep like the dead when I get home and both our asses look fantastic.
Work is going good, the one problem that I was having to deal with on a fairly regular basis, decided to remove itself yesterday. When I spotted the activity and the Uhaul I happy danced all around my living room to the tune of ,"Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead", I've already started prepping an ad for their apartment and im looking forward to a drama free summer now.
My new car is pretty cool, the color is not what I would have selected if I had it to do over again, but for the time and place and the price? I would have taken it if it had been safety orange. I got it for below book and you cant beat that with a big stick. I drive my boy to work every morning and I actually enjoy that time with him. We chat a bit and then after I drop him I get to have some time to myself to just blast my music and relax.
Summer is going to be busy for all of us, my eldest is supposed to finally get off his ass and enroll in a program that is a combination of college and high school credits so he can get off my couch and stop playing Pokemon and back into doing something productive with his life.
Im finally getting caught up on all the stuff in my office and getting this place whipped into shape so it looks good. I love it here and most of the residents are great folks who simply want to just pay their rent, live their lives and enjoy their peace and quiet so I hope to be able to help them do just that. My boss isnt all over me constantly and that keeps my anxiety level low so I can get stuff done, and work as much as I need to,(or until my kids or my boy drag me out of my office), to make sure things are handled. I do love my job and my neighborhood and it makes it all worth it.
We fit in down here, there isnt the feeling of being outsiders like we had in our last neighborhood, and we are starting to meet people and get to make friends and connections outside of our own little world. My kids have friends in school and we go up to the school events and actually have fun. I think I get more of a kick out of seeing the looks on peoples faces as they try to figure out the connection between my boy and me, especially when my daughter runs up to him and asks permission from him to go do something and he answers, or when I ask if hes ready to go home? Life is good.  

Dear Roger:Achievement, Unlocked!

Im waking up another year older this morning and I actually dont have a single damn thing to whine about. I mean, over the past 3 weeks so much has happened that I have often felt that I have been riding on the back runaway bronc that I am just slightly starting to get control of, and actually I sort of enjoy it,(that daredevil bone again), so really, no complaints.
I have a fantastic new job with a company that actually supports and encourages me. The CEO is a woman, my direct supervisor is awesome and very direct and just lays it all out to me and gives me clear expectations and lets me get stuff done and there is potential to actually go places with this company,(once I find my butt with both hands), and I love my complex, even with the occasional knucklehead to deal with, its still a great place with a lot of potential in a wonderful neighborhood.
Our new apartment is wonderful, even though its a  smaller, and the carpet will be getting replaced in a few days which will be interesting with all of us living here, its still a cool apartment and we are happy here. We got rid of our tv's for the time being and its actually been good for all of us, we talk more, listen to music more and of course play games and read and just hang out more.
Like I mentioned yesterday, I have a best friend and he means the world to me. He hears all my big news before anyone else, be is bad or good and he always has something to say to make me laugh, especially if he is causing an international incident with Chile and I have to wonder if they are going to bombard us with llamas any moment due to his machinations.
My kids are doing wonderful. They are all in new schools and in my daughters school there are three gifted kids in her CLASS instead of just in her entire school! She is being kept on her toes and challenged and she comes home in a great mood and busy with schoolwork. Stubby has a male teacher and he needed that. He likes him and the work is starting to make him really focus on his schooling more. Sticky asked to go live with his father at the first of the month, and with the transition to the new neighborhood and the issues with the Oregon Sped system, and the fact that his father really finally seems to have his act sort of together, I agreed to try it for a while. It was a very difficult decision, but Sticky had been asking for a long time and shockingly the Sped programs in AZ are just soo much better than the ones in Oregon. He had a good teacher here, and the class aide was amazing, and they were awesome to him, but there was no way he was ready for 8th grade. In AZ he will be back in 7th grade again next year and back with his original cohort, and back in regular classes with an aide and his father has a work schedule that will allow him to be home with him every afternoon. My eldest son is returning to traditional High School! He likes the looks of the business program offered by the local HS and he is tired of the looks he gets from everyone when they ask what grade he is in so he decided to just return, do the accelerated program along with summer school and he hopes to graduate on time.
I finally own a car. After months and months of debating and agonizing and trying to secure financing and dealing with every shyster auto dealer in town, I found a program called Wheels to Work thanks to a woman at Gresham Ford and I applied for it, went through all the steps,(harder than getting a home mortgage), qualified, and as of day before yesterday, I went back to Gresham Ford and I bought my car from the same lady who referred me to the program. I have an Oregon drivers license license now as well,(finally!), thanks to the support and kindness,(and nagging), of friends and family and the program, and I am working on getting all my student loans sorted out so I can finish my Masters Degree.
I also plan to sit down this weekend and pull up that long ignored file on my desktop and finish the editing so I can finally publish my 4th novel.
All in all I think I have finally hit my stride.