I have to say that I have had enough of the damn snow to last me for awhile. So far this winter we have gotten over 182 inches as recorded out on the West side, but considering that I live on the East side, and in an area that lays in a mountain pass, I have gotten considerably more, and I have gotten more than my fair share of wind to go along with it. I havent seen the dirt in my yard since Thanksgiving, and just when I thought it was going to melt enough so that I could actually park near the front door again and not have to hike my groceries in from the front gate, we got another 10 inches that buried us again. I am sure my cries of,"DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!" were heard miles away.
I was sick that past weekend, not just sniffles sick, I was stomach flu sick. Pukeing, body aching, running to the bathroom every little bit and eventually crawling to the bathroom and finally dry heaving into a trash can sick. My 5 year old had to bring me Koolaid to drink because I was to sick and weak to get up and make tea or anything. I am still weak as hell and grumpy and I feel like the worst pub-crawling hangover ever has come back to haunt me, but I had to go and dig my van out today and go to town to get some milk for the kids and take the youngest to the dentist.I have come to believe that there is nothing worse than being sick when you are the sole adult caregiver, I had 3 sick children, one of whom was spewing copious amounts at both ends and missing the commode and trash cans, and 4 large dogs that never seemed to be able to coordinate their needs at the same time, and on of them just decided to see to their needs in my hallway, leading my best dog, Fergus to promptly jump on them and beat them up when I started scolding them. It was mayhem, chaos and an all around miserable experience, but on the bright side, I have decided to put either laminate or tile in the hallway now. I still have no appetite so in the past 3 days all I have managed to keep down is less than half a cup of noodles.
Work on my house has pretty much come to a screeching halt, I was supposed to be getting the flooring put in this past week, but due to the new snow, that will most likely be pushed back another few weeks and we will be stuck walking on the sub-flooring for a few more weeks.
My life is never dull, its not always exciting, but its never dull. The constant crisis wears on me after a while, but at least I always have something to do. The good news,(I guess) about being sick this past week, is that I lost weight again. I am down to 107 again, and I hope to be able to enjoy wearing my skinny jeans with my nice new fatbaby boots, once the snow melts enough for me to wear them, right now I have to wear my clunky ole Sorrells so that I can wade to my van and back with my jeans still sort of dry.
I have decided that when I do get a chance to move or get out of here, it is going to be to someplace greener and warmer, I am tired of everything being in shades of white and tan and grey and I wish I could just wander in a deep green forest or lay in a nice meadow of green grass, or hell, even a nice nap on a warm beach right about now would be nice, anything but SNOW!
About Me
- Calamity
- Portland, Oregon, United States
- Middle aged crazy, a little on the broken side,been to hell and back and still make side trips into Purgatory to indulge the masochistic side of my personality. I'm Texan,Southern,Over-educated,arrogant, temperamental,oversexed but under-indulged.Chasing after younger men and the happiness that has eluded me for most of my life.Music and literature are my passions.Finally living the dream in my idea of Heaven.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Things That Make You Go,"HMMMM", or My Dog Has Got To Stop Freaking Me Out.
I am not the kind of person who scares easy, I hope I established that earlier. I absolutely love horror movies, and I find the unusual and bizarre and creepy, to actually be interesting. I was reading Stephen King by the time I was 11 years old, and for the most part still sleeping with the lights off years later. The only movie or book that has ever kinda rattled me was,"30 Days of Night", but Hey, YOU try being a single mom, snowbound out in the country with no one around, and have to go out at 2 o'clock in the morning to get firewood in the middle of a blizzard after staying up and watching that damn movie! But I did find out that I could make it from my wood pile to my front porch in a couple of really fast superhero style leaps with an armload of firewood. I have had some weird experiences in my life, some things have happened that have left me shaking my head going,"Should I tell anyone about that?" and then deciding,NOOOOOO, not if I ever want to get a job or laid or taken seriously again, so I have just filed them away as one of those things that happen when one is tired or stressed or simply wishful thinking. Not alien invasion kinda stuff, I have never seen anything like that, but my family history is rife with weird stories that perhaps left me open to noticing things that perhaps others tend to not be as attuned to seeing or hearing. My own great-grandma was told by a gypsy woman in Illinois in the Depression Era, that she had stopped to pick up out of a rainstorm, that our family was protected by Indians that our ancestor had done right by, and to this day, none of our family, or our loved ones, have died a violent death, no matter how hard they have tried! Everyone has died of natural causes or disease process, even surviving car accidents, war, and assaults that perhaps should have resulted in death.
I am not sure which way I stand on hoodoos and such, but I do know there have been times that I have felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up and my guts spin and my heart race and I just knew that something was not right about a place or a person, and my dog Ferg, seems to have the same sense about people. When I was dating, there was one fella that Ferg just did not like. When this guy came around he would growl and stalk about and do his best to come between the guy and me, and it just sent a clear message to me that there was something,'Not Right" with the guy, and I quickly found a reason to not go out with him anymore.
My Basset Hound,Finnegus, is an easygoing and happy dog unless he is trying to bully the much bigger Ferg, out of some treat or away from my lap, but lately he has started doing something that freaks out not only my 8 year old son, it has started to kinda disturbe me as well.
Now, I am used to my cat acting a little twitchy, after all, she lives in a house with 4 large, drooly, rampaging, beasts from hell, and then there are the dogs to consider, so when she goes shooting down the hall with her hair all poofed out and eyes all wide and staring, I just figure she found her lost stash of catnip and is on a well deserved bender. I am used to her all the sudden popping up and staring off into space at the side of the bed, or doing the cat stretchy thing where she rolls around like her belly is getting rubbed, after all, cats are just weird. But dogs are the more sane of household critters,usually, I cant really include the little yap dogs and such in this though, because they arent what I consider dogs, they are more like rats with a gladular problem, but DOGS< real,"protect the house and family", Mastiff, hound, whatever type dogs are typically not the type to stand in the middle of the hall wagging their tails and happily barking at freaking NOTHING!Finn has also started just all of the sudden trotting off down the hall with his tail wagging, and I find him curled up on my bed like he owns the damn thing, and when I go to lay down he hops down and lays on the floor on the weird side near the door or he goes into the kids room. But today was the icing on the cake, he was in the kids room, staring the the dresser,(the one Ed slammed me into)barking his head off and wagging his tail, and Ferg came into investigate and he whined at the door, turned around and hauled ass down the hall, leaving me wondering just what the heck is going on in my house? Do I have an insane dog?Is there something going on in my house, an nice gothic haunting would suit me...after all, I have all the makings of a good ghost story; tragedy, poverty, rural setting, a slight tinge of insanity, and ill just bet that if i found a willing sitter I could go out and wander what passes for moors around here.
Its been a long day, I fell on my ass again first rattle out of the bucket and I think I jarred my brains loose along with what fillings I have left. I spent the day working on the house again, moving stuff from here to there and trying to get ready to paint and disassembling furnishings and re-decorating my living room and doing laundry. Ahh, the glamorous life! On the bright side, when my eldest son told me that he wants to be an actor, I did not freak out! In fact, the first thing that crossed my mind was ,'Thank God he didnt say Politician!!" He is a good looking and smart kid, and I can see him making it, but as a psychotically protective mother whose first thought when someone hurts her kids feelings is,"How badly can I kick their asses?" I have to wonder, How many Hollyweird asses will I have to kick?
I am finding my New Years Resolution of "No Dating for the whole year" a real bummer. Valentines day slid past and as usual there were no Valentines for me, no chocolates, no flowers, no cards, and damn sure no romance, but a little bit of me wished for it deep in my heart. The high part of the whole week for me is going to be the release of 'Law Abiding Citizen" on video so I will finally get to see Gerard Butlers butt.I miss romance, and though my kid teases me about being a ,'twilighter"(whatever the hell that is), I kinda get what all the fuss is all about, those books are all about the romance and things that seem to be out of reach in the normal grind of daily life.
I am not sure which way I stand on hoodoos and such, but I do know there have been times that I have felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up and my guts spin and my heart race and I just knew that something was not right about a place or a person, and my dog Ferg, seems to have the same sense about people. When I was dating, there was one fella that Ferg just did not like. When this guy came around he would growl and stalk about and do his best to come between the guy and me, and it just sent a clear message to me that there was something,'Not Right" with the guy, and I quickly found a reason to not go out with him anymore.
My Basset Hound,Finnegus, is an easygoing and happy dog unless he is trying to bully the much bigger Ferg, out of some treat or away from my lap, but lately he has started doing something that freaks out not only my 8 year old son, it has started to kinda disturbe me as well.
Now, I am used to my cat acting a little twitchy, after all, she lives in a house with 4 large, drooly, rampaging, beasts from hell, and then there are the dogs to consider, so when she goes shooting down the hall with her hair all poofed out and eyes all wide and staring, I just figure she found her lost stash of catnip and is on a well deserved bender. I am used to her all the sudden popping up and staring off into space at the side of the bed, or doing the cat stretchy thing where she rolls around like her belly is getting rubbed, after all, cats are just weird. But dogs are the more sane of household critters,usually, I cant really include the little yap dogs and such in this though, because they arent what I consider dogs, they are more like rats with a gladular problem, but DOGS< real,"protect the house and family", Mastiff, hound, whatever type dogs are typically not the type to stand in the middle of the hall wagging their tails and happily barking at freaking NOTHING!Finn has also started just all of the sudden trotting off down the hall with his tail wagging, and I find him curled up on my bed like he owns the damn thing, and when I go to lay down he hops down and lays on the floor on the weird side near the door or he goes into the kids room. But today was the icing on the cake, he was in the kids room, staring the the dresser,(the one Ed slammed me into)barking his head off and wagging his tail, and Ferg came into investigate and he whined at the door, turned around and hauled ass down the hall, leaving me wondering just what the heck is going on in my house? Do I have an insane dog?Is there something going on in my house, an nice gothic haunting would suit me...after all, I have all the makings of a good ghost story; tragedy, poverty, rural setting, a slight tinge of insanity, and ill just bet that if i found a willing sitter I could go out and wander what passes for moors around here.
Its been a long day, I fell on my ass again first rattle out of the bucket and I think I jarred my brains loose along with what fillings I have left. I spent the day working on the house again, moving stuff from here to there and trying to get ready to paint and disassembling furnishings and re-decorating my living room and doing laundry. Ahh, the glamorous life! On the bright side, when my eldest son told me that he wants to be an actor, I did not freak out! In fact, the first thing that crossed my mind was ,'Thank God he didnt say Politician!!" He is a good looking and smart kid, and I can see him making it, but as a psychotically protective mother whose first thought when someone hurts her kids feelings is,"How badly can I kick their asses?" I have to wonder, How many Hollyweird asses will I have to kick?
I am finding my New Years Resolution of "No Dating for the whole year" a real bummer. Valentines day slid past and as usual there were no Valentines for me, no chocolates, no flowers, no cards, and damn sure no romance, but a little bit of me wished for it deep in my heart. The high part of the whole week for me is going to be the release of 'Law Abiding Citizen" on video so I will finally get to see Gerard Butlers butt.I miss romance, and though my kid teases me about being a ,'twilighter"(whatever the hell that is), I kinda get what all the fuss is all about, those books are all about the romance and things that seem to be out of reach in the normal grind of daily life.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
BIG
For a person that is constantly being reminded how "tiny" I am, I like,"Big" things. I have huge freaking dogs, 4 of them that scare the snot out of most normal people, even though they are all pretty sweet critters. I like big, obnoxious trucks that offend every eco-nazi sensibility out there, I prefer 12 gauge shotguns, .45 cal. pistols and most of all I like big men. Not just big in that sense,(get your mind outta the gutter ya pervs!), but the tall, powerfully built, manly, larger than life,masculin mans man. I cannot stand the "neutered middle-aged housecat" type men that I seem to find up here,and a lot of the Hollyweird actors just leave me thinking,"That boy needs to eat a steak or two!" I think thats why I like Gerard Butler so much, not only does he look like he is a full on scamp, he has some meat on his bones, and he has the devil behind those eyes, and I enjoy a man that has a bit of humor to him.
Every day is an adventure with me, and today was no exception. I decided to finally tackle painting my kids rooms and rearranging the decor so I decided to dress to enjoy the rare warmth of a sunshiney day,(it actually got to 45!) so I wore a pair of sweats and a wifebeater, and I guess I should mention that I am tattoed up pretty good. My tats are not flash off the walls though, mine are my own design and carefully thought out to mark certain events in my life and they all have meaning to me, and they will be with me forever, and one on my back is a work in progress that had to be stopped when my ex managed to infuriate me so badly that my blood pressure skyrocketed to the point that the blood flow was too much to allow the artist to finish, so that one has had to wait, but it doesnt show out of the shirt anyway, while most of my others do, and they tend to take people aback, so I was in full scrunge mode today.
I plugged my Ipod into the surround sound, cranked it to nose bleed level with all kinds of music from Lady Gaga and Muse to ZZTop, and I went to work painting and moving stuff, and I quickly found that its really hard to paint evenly when your are shaking it along with the jams, but then again I have never been a good painter, in fact, Ed always called me the "AntiChrist of Painting" and insisted on the entire house being drab Navaho white, so my rebellion against him once he was gone was to paint every single wall in the house some outrageous color, in fact there are 4 different colors in my bedroom including crimson, terracotta, gold and blood red, so its interesting to say the least. I am planning on painting my sons room 3 different colors, black, red and OD green if I can pull it off, but today was paint the closet and cover up the purple with a primer, as well as remove about a million stickers from my daughters walls and ceilings and relocate them to her new room across the hall.In the midst of all of this, after I had managed to spill paint on myself due to some over enthusiastic butt shaking, I had some visitors show up. Now I am the type of person who does not like drop in visitors, usually because either my kids are running about in their underwear, I am sans brassier or clean clothes or my house is a mess or we are in the midst of a family brawl or some other fiasco and it embarasses me to death to be caught that way, but I always try to be cordial, even while I am trying to force my dogs back into the house a sweatshirt over my head and kids back into the house all at the same time I am greeting my unexpected guests. I chatted with my visitors on the front porch while my music blasted in the background because I have not yet figured out how to shut it down quickly and if I had chanced re-entering the house to try and figure it out, I risked the repeated onslaught of children and dogs once again, so we just decided it was better to just let it play, so the nice Jehova Witness ladies got to hear the Black Eyed Peas,"Boom Boom Pow" and a few other fun ones while they visited.They didnt stay long and I got back to my painting and finally got done with that bit of fun for the day.
I dont have any plans for Valentines Day, in fact I am kinda the holiday Grinch because for the last 10 years or so I was expected to be the one to plan and organize and carry off all the holidays and birthdays but mine were either forgotten or I was just supposed to pick up a little something for myself. I have gone a decade without a birthday or a Valentines so I have decided that I am only 30 and I refuse to participate in Valentines day. My kids are all about the holiday though, and I went out and bought the obligatory boxes of school approved classmate valentines with candy and we addressed them and got them ready to hand out and I even got special ones for the teachers so the kids would be able to hand them out and feel special for the day. I have been regaled with all the stories about how many girlfriends/boyfriends each child has and then they began interrogating me about if I had a Valentine, since they know that "daddy" is most definantly not my valentine. How do you explain to 3 kids that you are on strike and not recruiting any Valentines? I am tired of being let down by the ,"neutered middle-aged house cats" that pass for men up here and when I last perused the personal ads, I got kinda pissed off and drafted my own personal ad in response that probably should never see the light of day, but I am going to post it here:
DWF, seeking NBM or Widowed male 30-40, no fatties, baldies, or shorties. No mamas boys or unemployed slobs living in animal house with their buddies, must be fit, educated and literate and you have to have a sense of humor.No drunks or druggies or ex-cons or married to their careers. If you have dreds or reek of patchouli and drink chai, then we probably wouldnt be a good fit, if you cant get it up with out viagra, then I dont have time. I like guns and big trucks and living out loud and being messy and raunchy British comedies and Irish punk rock and I can cuss a bit in Gaelic while dressed to the nines so if you are stuffy and staid and boring and unable to see beyond the end of your own nose, then pass on by.
So many of the ads I saw on the personals were geezers! looking for women around my age, with no kids in tip top shape and no history and no issues and they want Barbie to put up with their saggy parts and there were even some guys who were absolute gomers that were flat rude in their postings, saying that they didnt want,"fatties" or women with kids or issues, yet they stated they had a kid who they had every other weekend and blah blah blah, Yep...im keeping my resolution.
Every day is an adventure with me, and today was no exception. I decided to finally tackle painting my kids rooms and rearranging the decor so I decided to dress to enjoy the rare warmth of a sunshiney day,(it actually got to 45!) so I wore a pair of sweats and a wifebeater, and I guess I should mention that I am tattoed up pretty good. My tats are not flash off the walls though, mine are my own design and carefully thought out to mark certain events in my life and they all have meaning to me, and they will be with me forever, and one on my back is a work in progress that had to be stopped when my ex managed to infuriate me so badly that my blood pressure skyrocketed to the point that the blood flow was too much to allow the artist to finish, so that one has had to wait, but it doesnt show out of the shirt anyway, while most of my others do, and they tend to take people aback, so I was in full scrunge mode today.
I plugged my Ipod into the surround sound, cranked it to nose bleed level with all kinds of music from Lady Gaga and Muse to ZZTop, and I went to work painting and moving stuff, and I quickly found that its really hard to paint evenly when your are shaking it along with the jams, but then again I have never been a good painter, in fact, Ed always called me the "AntiChrist of Painting" and insisted on the entire house being drab Navaho white, so my rebellion against him once he was gone was to paint every single wall in the house some outrageous color, in fact there are 4 different colors in my bedroom including crimson, terracotta, gold and blood red, so its interesting to say the least. I am planning on painting my sons room 3 different colors, black, red and OD green if I can pull it off, but today was paint the closet and cover up the purple with a primer, as well as remove about a million stickers from my daughters walls and ceilings and relocate them to her new room across the hall.In the midst of all of this, after I had managed to spill paint on myself due to some over enthusiastic butt shaking, I had some visitors show up. Now I am the type of person who does not like drop in visitors, usually because either my kids are running about in their underwear, I am sans brassier or clean clothes or my house is a mess or we are in the midst of a family brawl or some other fiasco and it embarasses me to death to be caught that way, but I always try to be cordial, even while I am trying to force my dogs back into the house a sweatshirt over my head and kids back into the house all at the same time I am greeting my unexpected guests. I chatted with my visitors on the front porch while my music blasted in the background because I have not yet figured out how to shut it down quickly and if I had chanced re-entering the house to try and figure it out, I risked the repeated onslaught of children and dogs once again, so we just decided it was better to just let it play, so the nice Jehova Witness ladies got to hear the Black Eyed Peas,"Boom Boom Pow" and a few other fun ones while they visited.They didnt stay long and I got back to my painting and finally got done with that bit of fun for the day.
I dont have any plans for Valentines Day, in fact I am kinda the holiday Grinch because for the last 10 years or so I was expected to be the one to plan and organize and carry off all the holidays and birthdays but mine were either forgotten or I was just supposed to pick up a little something for myself. I have gone a decade without a birthday or a Valentines so I have decided that I am only 30 and I refuse to participate in Valentines day. My kids are all about the holiday though, and I went out and bought the obligatory boxes of school approved classmate valentines with candy and we addressed them and got them ready to hand out and I even got special ones for the teachers so the kids would be able to hand them out and feel special for the day. I have been regaled with all the stories about how many girlfriends/boyfriends each child has and then they began interrogating me about if I had a Valentine, since they know that "daddy" is most definantly not my valentine. How do you explain to 3 kids that you are on strike and not recruiting any Valentines? I am tired of being let down by the ,"neutered middle-aged house cats" that pass for men up here and when I last perused the personal ads, I got kinda pissed off and drafted my own personal ad in response that probably should never see the light of day, but I am going to post it here:
DWF, seeking NBM or Widowed male 30-40, no fatties, baldies, or shorties. No mamas boys or unemployed slobs living in animal house with their buddies, must be fit, educated and literate and you have to have a sense of humor.No drunks or druggies or ex-cons or married to their careers. If you have dreds or reek of patchouli and drink chai, then we probably wouldnt be a good fit, if you cant get it up with out viagra, then I dont have time. I like guns and big trucks and living out loud and being messy and raunchy British comedies and Irish punk rock and I can cuss a bit in Gaelic while dressed to the nines so if you are stuffy and staid and boring and unable to see beyond the end of your own nose, then pass on by.
So many of the ads I saw on the personals were geezers! looking for women around my age, with no kids in tip top shape and no history and no issues and they want Barbie to put up with their saggy parts and there were even some guys who were absolute gomers that were flat rude in their postings, saying that they didnt want,"fatties" or women with kids or issues, yet they stated they had a kid who they had every other weekend and blah blah blah, Yep...im keeping my resolution.
Friday, February 12, 2010
And So On
I want to warn my readers that my life is not now, nor has it ever been,"G" rated, or family friendly viewing, in fact I had to leave working in an Elementary school setting because having to control my language and such turned out to be giving me pleasant little things called,"Suicide headaches" or a type of migraine that only hits on one side of your head and is so severe and painful that it often drives its sufferers,(oddly enough, primarily men)to commit suicide.Of course once I left the job that I loved, the headaches decided to stick around just for the heck of it and I still get them from time to time in spite of the nasty medication I take for it, so there are days I spend in abject misery, but I am free to cuss about it all I want.
Now where were we? Oh yeah, Ed...well I am going to leave more of that for another day, its pretty obvious he didnt kill me that time, I am here writing to you, but it was not a pleasant time for me, and it changed me in a very deep and fundamental way, and the after effects brought me closer to the brink than anything else has ever in my life, so I would rather move on past that for this Valentines eve, and write of things that make people laugh or happy or even think.
I had another "Ehh" kinda day starting off, the person who I was supposed to meet didnt show up, so I ended up spending up half the morning sitting in a campus coffee shop watching the comings and goings of all the college kids and I even got flirted with by some little chick, which is flattering but very disturbing to me as a woman who has never even remotely interested in that kinda walk on the wildside. I finally gave up on my appointment and left campus with my normal mutterings about all the pajama wearing, retarded sheep,"fear for our future if this is what is getting into college",rants as I tried to navigate the road out of campus through all the genuises who saw fit to meander in front of me, even with the slightly psychotic glare I gave them. I went grocery shopping and then collected my monsters and came home to begin what is going to surely be a very long 3 day weekend.
I spent this afternoon downloading some tunes to my Ipod, something I havent done in months and I thought it was time to update some playlists since I now have a surround sound system that is more than capable of inflicting annoyance on the neighbors. I made sure to add in my latest favorite from Twilights soundtrack, and I spent part of the afternoon drowning out the fights of my children and dogs with Muses,"Super-Massive Black Hole" and working on my cardio by shaking my butt all over the place to it. I used to be able to get down really well, in fact the best compliment I ever got when I was a young woman going to the clubs in the West End and in the wilder parts of the Metroplex, was a lady of color tapped me on the shoulder, handed me a Gin and Juice and said,'You dance like a black girl!!" I was wearing a black spandex body hugger and stilletto heels and I had been dancing for over 4 hours, I was in my prime and I sure miss those days.(Son, if you are reading this you really should stop)The music of those days,(and nights) makes me feel good and I love sharing it with my kids and often I sing along with it when they play it on the radio and I even get a little funk going that sometimes even spills out into the parking lot.
I used to be a lot more shy and repressed, but I think that once you have had your entire family business in the newspaper, and 1/2 a dozen cops wander through your house and see you in your grubbies after you just got your ass kicked, you kinda lose your inhibitions.I have even gotten a bit on the ballsy side I have been told, and the evil neighbor that has been the bane of my existence for the last 10 years, now gives me a wide berth because I finally stood up to him and dared him to try something, in fact I begged him to and he just looked at me and turned around and scampered in his house. I cant even get a puppy torturing wife beater to take me on, I must be a bit on the twitchy side.
I have a house full of dogs and chaos, and arranging time to get away is always an adventure. I have finally found people willing to take on the challenge of watching 2 special needs kids, an normal kid and 4 large dogs, but it takes careful planning and bribery that is almost criminal in nature! I have not had a day off or a break from any of this in over 2 years and I am mentally and physically exhausted, but getting someone to understand that 2 dogs only go out on leads because they will jump the fence, and all dogs have to be seperated for feeding in strict order and the St Bernards cannot go in the back bedroom because of the cat, or the Bassett cannot go out front because he will run off and he cant have food around the mastiff because they will fight, and the kids arent supposed to chum the dogs, and who wears what and who sleeps where and the whole school drop off routine and such is just overwhelming,but I have to have a break before I lose my mind completely. I dream of laying on a beach somewhere and just vegging for a week or two, or in a nice quiet meadow, but I know that I will be lucky to get 12-24 hours to clear my head and perhaps drive a rented sports car waay to fast on a twisty mountain road and perhaps enjoy a bit of sanity in the chaos, but a recharge is what I need and hopefully that is what will happen and I will come home to a house still standing a a sitter that is still sane and unbitten by dog or child.
I like to drive fast, always have, probably always will. I think its genetic, and even though my dad always gives me crap for getting a ticket for 88 in a 55 (drag racing) when my drivers license was still so new it was paper, he was just as bad about driving fast as I was and my granny had her fair share of tickets and warnings as well! I dream about driving fast for some reason, and being stuck in a frumpy, no style even when it was brand new mini-van, kills my soul.I almost had a wreck when the Chevy dealership left a cobalt blue new camaro parked out front of the dealership one day, I was soo busy looking at it, I almost rear-ended the guy in front of me who was also looking at it. I am considering buying another vehicle, and though a suburau or some mini-van type vehicle would be practicle, I want either speed, or a truck! My cruddy little mini van will move, Ive had it up to 90, but its like speeding in a bus,Who cares? you still look like a dork. Minivans are just not conducive to getting any action. Its hard to advertise as ,"Available" when you are driving a rolling billboard for multiple children.
Now where were we? Oh yeah, Ed...well I am going to leave more of that for another day, its pretty obvious he didnt kill me that time, I am here writing to you, but it was not a pleasant time for me, and it changed me in a very deep and fundamental way, and the after effects brought me closer to the brink than anything else has ever in my life, so I would rather move on past that for this Valentines eve, and write of things that make people laugh or happy or even think.
I had another "Ehh" kinda day starting off, the person who I was supposed to meet didnt show up, so I ended up spending up half the morning sitting in a campus coffee shop watching the comings and goings of all the college kids and I even got flirted with by some little chick, which is flattering but very disturbing to me as a woman who has never even remotely interested in that kinda walk on the wildside. I finally gave up on my appointment and left campus with my normal mutterings about all the pajama wearing, retarded sheep,"fear for our future if this is what is getting into college",rants as I tried to navigate the road out of campus through all the genuises who saw fit to meander in front of me, even with the slightly psychotic glare I gave them. I went grocery shopping and then collected my monsters and came home to begin what is going to surely be a very long 3 day weekend.
I spent this afternoon downloading some tunes to my Ipod, something I havent done in months and I thought it was time to update some playlists since I now have a surround sound system that is more than capable of inflicting annoyance on the neighbors. I made sure to add in my latest favorite from Twilights soundtrack, and I spent part of the afternoon drowning out the fights of my children and dogs with Muses,"Super-Massive Black Hole" and working on my cardio by shaking my butt all over the place to it. I used to be able to get down really well, in fact the best compliment I ever got when I was a young woman going to the clubs in the West End and in the wilder parts of the Metroplex, was a lady of color tapped me on the shoulder, handed me a Gin and Juice and said,'You dance like a black girl!!" I was wearing a black spandex body hugger and stilletto heels and I had been dancing for over 4 hours, I was in my prime and I sure miss those days.(Son, if you are reading this you really should stop)The music of those days,(and nights) makes me feel good and I love sharing it with my kids and often I sing along with it when they play it on the radio and I even get a little funk going that sometimes even spills out into the parking lot.
I used to be a lot more shy and repressed, but I think that once you have had your entire family business in the newspaper, and 1/2 a dozen cops wander through your house and see you in your grubbies after you just got your ass kicked, you kinda lose your inhibitions.I have even gotten a bit on the ballsy side I have been told, and the evil neighbor that has been the bane of my existence for the last 10 years, now gives me a wide berth because I finally stood up to him and dared him to try something, in fact I begged him to and he just looked at me and turned around and scampered in his house. I cant even get a puppy torturing wife beater to take me on, I must be a bit on the twitchy side.
I have a house full of dogs and chaos, and arranging time to get away is always an adventure. I have finally found people willing to take on the challenge of watching 2 special needs kids, an normal kid and 4 large dogs, but it takes careful planning and bribery that is almost criminal in nature! I have not had a day off or a break from any of this in over 2 years and I am mentally and physically exhausted, but getting someone to understand that 2 dogs only go out on leads because they will jump the fence, and all dogs have to be seperated for feeding in strict order and the St Bernards cannot go in the back bedroom because of the cat, or the Bassett cannot go out front because he will run off and he cant have food around the mastiff because they will fight, and the kids arent supposed to chum the dogs, and who wears what and who sleeps where and the whole school drop off routine and such is just overwhelming,but I have to have a break before I lose my mind completely. I dream of laying on a beach somewhere and just vegging for a week or two, or in a nice quiet meadow, but I know that I will be lucky to get 12-24 hours to clear my head and perhaps drive a rented sports car waay to fast on a twisty mountain road and perhaps enjoy a bit of sanity in the chaos, but a recharge is what I need and hopefully that is what will happen and I will come home to a house still standing a a sitter that is still sane and unbitten by dog or child.
I like to drive fast, always have, probably always will. I think its genetic, and even though my dad always gives me crap for getting a ticket for 88 in a 55 (drag racing) when my drivers license was still so new it was paper, he was just as bad about driving fast as I was and my granny had her fair share of tickets and warnings as well! I dream about driving fast for some reason, and being stuck in a frumpy, no style even when it was brand new mini-van, kills my soul.I almost had a wreck when the Chevy dealership left a cobalt blue new camaro parked out front of the dealership one day, I was soo busy looking at it, I almost rear-ended the guy in front of me who was also looking at it. I am considering buying another vehicle, and though a suburau or some mini-van type vehicle would be practicle, I want either speed, or a truck! My cruddy little mini van will move, Ive had it up to 90, but its like speeding in a bus,Who cares? you still look like a dork. Minivans are just not conducive to getting any action. Its hard to advertise as ,"Available" when you are driving a rolling billboard for multiple children.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Slowing my Roll
Well hello there! I guess I should begin by saying that its kinda been the day from hell. I spent it cleaning the house and trying to get the stench of small dog urine out of the carpet in my hallway, calling people who deal with my son's issues and finalizing my decision to take a 6 month leave of absence from Grad. School so I can decide if I am losing my mind or if I just need a damn good vacation and a nights sleep.I also found the small dog a new home without small children to make her nuts.
You are probably thinking at this point, 'Jeesh! Another whiner, just what the world needs, and I would be right there in thinking the same thing with you, but if you knew what the last 2 or really what the last 10 years had been like, you would maybe cut me just a little slack, but I am going to get into all the gory details in fits and starts down the road a bit so all the doom and gloom and gore doesnt freak you right the hell out, becasue there is a lot of gallows humor to be found in what went on and the absurdity that has ruled my life, and I think that you will enjoy the trip if you stick around.
Its insanity in my life, for example; as I write this posting, I am ignoring the 2 St Bernards that are engaging in homosexual sex at the feet of my recliner while my mastiff,Fergus, whines and howls in doggy time out and the bassett hound bays at the guinea pigs in the childrens bedroom. There is really nothing interesting on TV, so the kids and I had watched Twilight on dvd earlier and I totally embarassed the kids and upset the dogs by dancing all around the living room to the Muse video in the Extras. Im more of a 'True Blood" fan myself, because after all, I am a middle aged soccer mom from hell and the boy who plays Edward looks like my oldest son and thats just a bit disturbing,(though my son is capitalizing on in a major way and giving me even more grey hairs and grandmother fears), but I dont mind the books or the movies and as a parent and sometime educator, I need to keep up with whats popular with the kiddies. I liked the music mostly. But I have been zoning out and ignoring all the chaos going on around me and hoping that nothing too destructive is going on, though my house is at a point in its life where its hard to damage.
I am hopelessly single and as I discussed in my profile, I am male kryptonite.It has become easier to be alone this past year because I had a run of real losers that just confirmed for me that there just isnt anything around here worth shaving my legs for. I had the,"Hipster Doofus/Wannabe RockStar", the "Short Man Syndrome whos nerve matched his stature" and the generic "Drunk Losers", and that was that. I have been in love with one man for over 12 years, its a pure-hearted from the bottom of my soul, see him in every thing good and no one will ever measure up, kinda love, but he will never be mine. I have accepted that and I have tried to move on, and its destroyed me inside, but in many ways it did me a favor, because I realized that I do not need a man in my life to be able to function.Seeing him, talking to him, touching him even casually, is like running a straight razor through my heart, but every now and then that is good for me because pain reminds me that I am alive.
I do have a wicked bad crush on Gerard Butler, but then so does half the female world, and his dvds help get me through the long, cold, snowy nights up here in the mountains.
I dont date, dont even try. I wear jeans and western boots and Affliction thermals or t-shirts and weird circular glasses and my hair is short and always messy and often under a cap, and I have been told I ooze the ,'vaugely threatning, unapproachable, but damaged and wounded" air that people do not know how to take...in other words-CRAZY! (By the way, if you are a punctuation or formatting Nazi, please leave now.I am in full-on rebellion against 10 years of APA style and college writing that tried to kill my love of writing)I am short, only 5'1 and I am skinny often struggling to get to 110lbs, and I wear a size 3 in my Cruel Girls and people freaking hate me, but its not because I try to be that thin, its because I have a freak disease called Celiacs and most normal human food makes me sick as hell and I cant keep food in my guts, which is really unfair because I am a bitching cook! I love cooking and I cook about 6 different ethnic types from scratch, and before I put the ex-husband in prison, I put over 60 lbs on him. I have a Southern accent, because I grew up in Texas on a small ranch and I have all kinds of weird skills that really freak guys out, such as,"roping, riding, branding, castrating, vaccinating, de-horning, skinning and butchering my own kill. I can shoot,hunt and clean my own fish, work on my own vehicles and I dont mind getting dirty and I am a brawler, old-school style. I prefer the company of guys and all my careers have been traditionally male related careers, including law enforcement, EMS, Fire Fighter and Construction. I am one of those freaks that runs towards gunfights and accidents, who sees a bar full of bikers and thinks,'COOL!,I'm gonna go have a beer", and who has looked death in the face 4 times and stared it down.
I love to dance, but I havent been dancing with a man in over 10 years. I read like books are essential to life itsself, and I will read pretty much anything. I just read the Twilight series last weekend for kicks, and I kinda enjoyed them as cotton candy for the brain, considering I was reading,"Criminal Profiling" by Turvey, and 'Without Conscience" by Hare, and those books will give you nightmares.
I am supposed to speak before a group tomorrow called a "Domestic Violence Impact Panel", it will be a group of about 20 people, it includes offenders, attorneys, counselors, judges, political folks and community members. I am supposed to tell them the story of how my life was impacted by my encounter with Domestic Violence affected my life, but I am finding that I am having a hard time coming to grips with the impending release of my ex-husband from prison, because emotions are surfacing that I did not expect.
My ex was the exact opposite of the love of my life, where the love of my life was a poster boy for the Marine corp, clean cut, tall, handsome and professional and always neat, organized and ,'dialed in", Ed was trying to prospect the HA. He was long haired and a classic biker, who had a disdain for all that my I stood for as a former cop. How we ended up together was unusual to say the least, and it was fire and ice, and passion and in all honesty, he was my re-bound man who took the place of the love of my life who I had just realized I could not have. We dated 3 months, and had a JP wedding, and our honeymoon was dinner at the Kachina restaurant. Our first child was born 8 months later, premature and with Downs Syndrome and both of us nearly died. Ed loved his son, but the stress caused him to distance himself from us, and I began to not only be the caretaker for the child, the housekeeper and source of income, and resentment grew between us. He began witholding affection, and the verbal abuse increased towards my son, who suddenly could not do anything right.
When I ended up pregnant with our second child Ed had decided to enroll in college at my behest, I had hoped he would find a career track program that would lead to a way to make a living other than construction, but he chose Art. Unlike myself, he decided to enroll full-time and not work, and in the place where we live, you have to have a median income of 68k a year to survive and we were pulling in less than 40k because he would not work, and he resented the hours I was working because he had to watch our kids and the stress at home was palpable. The verbal abuse edged up into the occasional shove or hard nudge, and I attended most of my appointments for my pregnancy alone. When my son was born, he was there for the delivery and then he left and I drove myself home with the baby a few days later.
Our last child was my daughter, and that pregnancy was the worst. I was sick with heart issues, diabetese, and infection. I was in the hospital more than I was out of it, and he not only refused to help me, he became cold, distant and forced me to sleep on the couch. When I finally reached the point where I was so sick that I knew I had to get to the hospital, he refused to drive me, even though there was a blizzard going on and I was essentially dying. I had an emergency c-section and my daughter and I spent 10 days in the hospital being treated for infection and all the side effects, and he never came to see us.
When we came home, he refused to help telling me that he did not want all the kids, they were my "problem" and he had to work on his art.Things rapidly deteriorated and we argued almost daily about finances,(or lack thereof), my jobs, his lack of a job and just stress in general. He became increasingly aggressive, and during one arguement when I asked him to leave because it would be cheaper to just feed and support myself and the children, he got his pistol and pointed at his head in front of myself and my oldest son, terrorizing my son to the point that he still has nightmares years later.In October 2005 we had been arguing almost daily, I had asked him to leave and find his own place, and he had told me to leave because he claimed it was his house, he sat in the living room in his recliner and watched his 50 inch plasma screen tv most of the time and if we disturbed him there was hell to pay, and I seemed to excel in disturbing him. My best friends son was over playing with my son, and I was putting away laundry,(not very quietly), and he yelled at me to be a little quieter and I answered him back that is he didnt like the noise he could either get up and help or he could try being a man and go find a job. That was the trigger.He jumped up and followed me down the hall, passing me and going into the master bedroom and then abruptly returning to the childrens room where I was putting away laundry and talking to my two youngest boys. Ed grabbed me by the throat znd alammed me into the childrens dresser hard enough that it rocked baqck into the wall and left a dent, anda bruise across my back. He put a straight razor against my throat and told me that he was going to slti my throat, take pictures of it, send them to my friends and then dump my body down a well on the Rez. all of this in from of my two youngest children.
You are probably thinking at this point, 'Jeesh! Another whiner, just what the world needs, and I would be right there in thinking the same thing with you, but if you knew what the last 2 or really what the last 10 years had been like, you would maybe cut me just a little slack, but I am going to get into all the gory details in fits and starts down the road a bit so all the doom and gloom and gore doesnt freak you right the hell out, becasue there is a lot of gallows humor to be found in what went on and the absurdity that has ruled my life, and I think that you will enjoy the trip if you stick around.
Its insanity in my life, for example; as I write this posting, I am ignoring the 2 St Bernards that are engaging in homosexual sex at the feet of my recliner while my mastiff,Fergus, whines and howls in doggy time out and the bassett hound bays at the guinea pigs in the childrens bedroom. There is really nothing interesting on TV, so the kids and I had watched Twilight on dvd earlier and I totally embarassed the kids and upset the dogs by dancing all around the living room to the Muse video in the Extras. Im more of a 'True Blood" fan myself, because after all, I am a middle aged soccer mom from hell and the boy who plays Edward looks like my oldest son and thats just a bit disturbing,(though my son is capitalizing on in a major way and giving me even more grey hairs and grandmother fears), but I dont mind the books or the movies and as a parent and sometime educator, I need to keep up with whats popular with the kiddies. I liked the music mostly. But I have been zoning out and ignoring all the chaos going on around me and hoping that nothing too destructive is going on, though my house is at a point in its life where its hard to damage.
I am hopelessly single and as I discussed in my profile, I am male kryptonite.It has become easier to be alone this past year because I had a run of real losers that just confirmed for me that there just isnt anything around here worth shaving my legs for. I had the,"Hipster Doofus/Wannabe RockStar", the "Short Man Syndrome whos nerve matched his stature" and the generic "Drunk Losers", and that was that. I have been in love with one man for over 12 years, its a pure-hearted from the bottom of my soul, see him in every thing good and no one will ever measure up, kinda love, but he will never be mine. I have accepted that and I have tried to move on, and its destroyed me inside, but in many ways it did me a favor, because I realized that I do not need a man in my life to be able to function.Seeing him, talking to him, touching him even casually, is like running a straight razor through my heart, but every now and then that is good for me because pain reminds me that I am alive.
I do have a wicked bad crush on Gerard Butler, but then so does half the female world, and his dvds help get me through the long, cold, snowy nights up here in the mountains.
I dont date, dont even try. I wear jeans and western boots and Affliction thermals or t-shirts and weird circular glasses and my hair is short and always messy and often under a cap, and I have been told I ooze the ,'vaugely threatning, unapproachable, but damaged and wounded" air that people do not know how to take...in other words-CRAZY! (By the way, if you are a punctuation or formatting Nazi, please leave now.I am in full-on rebellion against 10 years of APA style and college writing that tried to kill my love of writing)I am short, only 5'1 and I am skinny often struggling to get to 110lbs, and I wear a size 3 in my Cruel Girls and people freaking hate me, but its not because I try to be that thin, its because I have a freak disease called Celiacs and most normal human food makes me sick as hell and I cant keep food in my guts, which is really unfair because I am a bitching cook! I love cooking and I cook about 6 different ethnic types from scratch, and before I put the ex-husband in prison, I put over 60 lbs on him. I have a Southern accent, because I grew up in Texas on a small ranch and I have all kinds of weird skills that really freak guys out, such as,"roping, riding, branding, castrating, vaccinating, de-horning, skinning and butchering my own kill. I can shoot,hunt and clean my own fish, work on my own vehicles and I dont mind getting dirty and I am a brawler, old-school style. I prefer the company of guys and all my careers have been traditionally male related careers, including law enforcement, EMS, Fire Fighter and Construction. I am one of those freaks that runs towards gunfights and accidents, who sees a bar full of bikers and thinks,'COOL!,I'm gonna go have a beer", and who has looked death in the face 4 times and stared it down.
I love to dance, but I havent been dancing with a man in over 10 years. I read like books are essential to life itsself, and I will read pretty much anything. I just read the Twilight series last weekend for kicks, and I kinda enjoyed them as cotton candy for the brain, considering I was reading,"Criminal Profiling" by Turvey, and 'Without Conscience" by Hare, and those books will give you nightmares.
I am supposed to speak before a group tomorrow called a "Domestic Violence Impact Panel", it will be a group of about 20 people, it includes offenders, attorneys, counselors, judges, political folks and community members. I am supposed to tell them the story of how my life was impacted by my encounter with Domestic Violence affected my life, but I am finding that I am having a hard time coming to grips with the impending release of my ex-husband from prison, because emotions are surfacing that I did not expect.
My ex was the exact opposite of the love of my life, where the love of my life was a poster boy for the Marine corp, clean cut, tall, handsome and professional and always neat, organized and ,'dialed in", Ed was trying to prospect the HA. He was long haired and a classic biker, who had a disdain for all that my I stood for as a former cop. How we ended up together was unusual to say the least, and it was fire and ice, and passion and in all honesty, he was my re-bound man who took the place of the love of my life who I had just realized I could not have. We dated 3 months, and had a JP wedding, and our honeymoon was dinner at the Kachina restaurant. Our first child was born 8 months later, premature and with Downs Syndrome and both of us nearly died. Ed loved his son, but the stress caused him to distance himself from us, and I began to not only be the caretaker for the child, the housekeeper and source of income, and resentment grew between us. He began witholding affection, and the verbal abuse increased towards my son, who suddenly could not do anything right.
When I ended up pregnant with our second child Ed had decided to enroll in college at my behest, I had hoped he would find a career track program that would lead to a way to make a living other than construction, but he chose Art. Unlike myself, he decided to enroll full-time and not work, and in the place where we live, you have to have a median income of 68k a year to survive and we were pulling in less than 40k because he would not work, and he resented the hours I was working because he had to watch our kids and the stress at home was palpable. The verbal abuse edged up into the occasional shove or hard nudge, and I attended most of my appointments for my pregnancy alone. When my son was born, he was there for the delivery and then he left and I drove myself home with the baby a few days later.
Our last child was my daughter, and that pregnancy was the worst. I was sick with heart issues, diabetese, and infection. I was in the hospital more than I was out of it, and he not only refused to help me, he became cold, distant and forced me to sleep on the couch. When I finally reached the point where I was so sick that I knew I had to get to the hospital, he refused to drive me, even though there was a blizzard going on and I was essentially dying. I had an emergency c-section and my daughter and I spent 10 days in the hospital being treated for infection and all the side effects, and he never came to see us.
When we came home, he refused to help telling me that he did not want all the kids, they were my "problem" and he had to work on his art.Things rapidly deteriorated and we argued almost daily about finances,(or lack thereof), my jobs, his lack of a job and just stress in general. He became increasingly aggressive, and during one arguement when I asked him to leave because it would be cheaper to just feed and support myself and the children, he got his pistol and pointed at his head in front of myself and my oldest son, terrorizing my son to the point that he still has nightmares years later.In October 2005 we had been arguing almost daily, I had asked him to leave and find his own place, and he had told me to leave because he claimed it was his house, he sat in the living room in his recliner and watched his 50 inch plasma screen tv most of the time and if we disturbed him there was hell to pay, and I seemed to excel in disturbing him. My best friends son was over playing with my son, and I was putting away laundry,(not very quietly), and he yelled at me to be a little quieter and I answered him back that is he didnt like the noise he could either get up and help or he could try being a man and go find a job. That was the trigger.He jumped up and followed me down the hall, passing me and going into the master bedroom and then abruptly returning to the childrens room where I was putting away laundry and talking to my two youngest boys. Ed grabbed me by the throat znd alammed me into the childrens dresser hard enough that it rocked baqck into the wall and left a dent, anda bruise across my back. He put a straight razor against my throat and told me that he was going to slti my throat, take pictures of it, send them to my friends and then dump my body down a well on the Rez. all of this in from of my two youngest children.
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