Dear Roger; Distance

Ive been a bit of a recluse again lately. I dont know why, I just tend to do this from time to time. I just elect to take a time out and withdraw from things. I haven't done any sketching or even too much writing on my main story, but I think that is because the memories of him were a bit more raw than I was willing to admit to myself. Nothing like having your heart ripped apart slowly over and over again over the course of a decade or more to leave a lasting scar. I haven't even spoken to family lately other than the two that live with me. Son has been okay to deal with. He is pretty excited about turning 15, though I dont know why. He is in another growth spurt and I am just about ready to pull my own hair out. He walked into the kitchen the other day and said," Mom, I think I need a new shirt." and then he showed me the shirt he was wearing, one that I had bought him back in June just before we left Arizona, his wrists hung out more than 3 inches and when he stretched his arms over his head, it gapped well above his fuzzy belly. He also needs a new razor because he got told to shave since he was rocking a beard and mustache. Its pretty bad that my not quite 15 year old son can grow fuller facial hair than some 25 year old men, and I am just floored that he looks so damn mature. He gave me quite a pause yesterday morning when we were in the kitchen joking around as he was eating half a bag of bagels for breakfast. He turned to laugh at me about something and just as he turned,I swear to God it was like a ghost was standing there. The same stance, the same smile, the same way the eyes crinkled up, same color hair...everything, Mike was in my kitchen. I guess I went a little pale because he grabbed my arm and said," Mom? you okay?" and it took me a minute, but yeah, I was okay. I was honest with him. I told him he looked exactly like his father in that moment and he was kinda contemplative for a moment and he said,'Well, thats a good thing in a way , right? after all, if he was able to get roles in movies, then maybe it will work out for me!" Leave it to my kid to see the bright side of things.

I think I saw my guitar yesterday for a few moments. Son has been practicing it every night for hours on end, and he sings along with it quite often too. I dont complain unless its a particularly whiney or emo piece because then that sets into motion a spiral of being bummed out that we all dont need, so we try to keep it light and happy around here. Last night was a bit of a failure in that department as I found myself lost in memories, but we snapped out of it later in the evening and everyone perked up. Daughter is great for that, she usually engages in some form of monkey related madness that we just cant help to laugh at and it helps to keep it all light. The poor cat is the usual victim of her craziness and she drags him and her stuffed monkey around the house like a couple of rag dolls.

My sis gets her surgery today. I am worried about her, but its for the best for her. I just hope she gets to recover like she is supposed to . She is just as much of a control freak as I am and I have no doubt she will try to be up and around taking care of things that she doesn't trust others to do right, the very same day. I haven't spoken to anyone back home in Texas in a couple of weeks. I really just dont have much to say and vice versa. My niece is on Facebook quite a bit and she sends me updates that let me know whats going on with folks and how the weather is and stuff, but since I am not willing to move back home, I am just kinda out of sight, out of mind. I do miss Texas, but the Texas I grew up in is gone. When I went back there a few years ago, so much had changed it made me crazy and a little depressed. The West End was all touristy and Deep Ellum was all yuppified. It felt violated. The grungy lil clubs I partied in are all respectable now and there aren't any wandering punks in those places, the cops in golf shirts on bicycles taze them and haul them off. I cant even imagine what Houston is like now since the hurricane hit. Austin would be the only place I would even remotely consider, but even it has changed and gotten expensive and strip malled. I used to wander back and forth across that state with no worries, sleeping in my car when I got tired of driving, visiting kin in little hick towns in West Texas, just wandering around trying to decide where I wanted to be, but it just doesn't feel the same and I think its more me than anything else that has changed. I cant find home within myself, so I damn sure cant find it within a place. Daughter told me she missed Arizona and it felt like my heart died just a little. I asked her if she wanted to go back to Flagstaff and to her father and she practically yelled at me, "NO! I just miss my brothers and Fergus, but I dont want to go back there." I dont think me or son had drawn a breath the entire time we waited for her to answer my question, because I have given her the right to make that decision, even if it breaks my heart.