Dear Roger:What I Think About Today

Damn Rog, you would be another year older today. Another year cooler I am sure, opting to refer to yourself as ,"Vintage" or something I am sure. Damn, I wish you were here. I really could use your advice now, more than ever. I am sure you would probably like to kick my ass up between my ears for a few things, but I know you wouldn't, you would just offer some insight and opinion in to how to unfuck the situation and I would actually take it. Why did one of the few people I actually listen to have to leave me so damn soon in the game? Its really not fair you know. My kids should have known you instead of just hearing stories. Speaking of my kids...holy hell, you would have loved my little girl. She paints and draws and does all kinds of stuff and the other day she was in such a great mood she went on a painting binge and she painted something that you would have found hysterical I am sure. She was very intently looking at her easel, applying blues and browns and oranges, her brush strokes carefully applied, gentle dabs following after, and then with artistic flair she titled it," Cat Terd in a Toilet." When I made the mistake of pointing out her misspelling, she slammed down her brush, scowled at me and said,'That is part of the JOKE! DUH!" and stomped off. God...another artist in the family. I already told you about the video didn't I? yeah...the video that is over 16k hits? I missed having someone to call and tell about it because honestly, I freaked the hell out. She was all happy and excited and thinks its awesome as does her big brother, my sis was even happy, me? Im an ex cop! What the hell do you think my reaction is? Danger WILL ROBINSON! Arrgh! I needed you to tell me its going to be okay. That my little girl is going to forget she wants to go out into the wild, wide world and do things like that and associate with young rock stars and such. I just dont know about all this. Shes hitting me up to make more videos of the plays she does with her brothers, but luckily we cant keep clothes on Sticky long enough to get one all the way through, and random nudity is a deal killer that gets everything erased, so no more videos so far, though the one last night was pretty damn cute. It involved a cross-dressing Harry Potter, Raccoon's, rabid weremonkeys, and a rampaging dog that kept attempting to steal one of the co-stars.
I'm trying not to be sad today. I have been in a bit of a funk all week and its mainly the stress of the season, all the birthdays of everyone I miss, and just worrying about making sure I am not going to let my kids down. I have been writing like a woman possessed lately and that has helped quite a bit, but that is another reason I really miss you. I wish you knew that I finally was back at it. I started writing again just over a year ago and even I can see the improvement in my style and my content. I'm still to much of a control freak to let anybody mess with it, but I have been putting it out in a place where its been getting read and damn Rog, its popular and growing in popularity almost daily. I get emails from readers who tell me I made them laugh so hard they wet their pants! Me? Making someone laugh? That just blows me away. I enjoy writing and it feels like its burning out of me half the damn time. I just feel like I have to write, my skin gets tight feeling and im anxious and nervous and stressed if im kept away from it for too long. I go back and work over my older stories and instead of deleting everything in frustration like I used to do with my art or photography, I just fix what needs fixing and I move on. I talk about it with people and that's another shocker, instead of just keeping it to myself, I talk about my writing. The asshole ex still makes fun of me because Im not making any money at it, and he thinks that unless im making money at it, im a failure, but considering hes a metalsmith/jeweler who never made a dime,yet spent thousands on his vocation, I don't think he is one to talk at least mine is pretty cheap to practice.
There are soo many things I would want to tell you about today, the mistakes ive made, and there have been so damn many, the triumphs I have had, and there have been quite a few of those too, and the doubts I have about being able to keep on keeping on some days. I struggle on the best of days to deal with everything that pushes down on me, and the things the buoy me up, like my kids and my writing are the bright spots in all the grim, I miss having that voice calling me out of the blue and saying,"Hey, numbnuts, hows it going?" Much like you were the only person who could get away with calling me Jenny, you were the only person I liked hugs from, because they weren't overpowering hugs, they were big, knock the world off your shoulders and make you feel safe, bear hugs, and dammit...I really need one more than ever. I miss you soo damn much.