Dear Roger: Im Not A Bitch,Ive Just Been In A Really Bad Mood

Seriously, I have been in a mood the past week or so, or in some peoples opinions, maybe for the last 40 years, and I really don't know why other than maybe I am tired of winter, tired of trying to make a nickle stretch into a dollar, tired of trying to cajole my 16 year old son into doing the work he knows he has to do in order to advance in school, tired of dealing with a 10 y/o son that no matter what I do tells me he hates me and that his father is the best thing ever, tired of just standing in quicksand and being up to my ass in alligators. My other writing has reflected it pretty strongly, I beat the hell out of one of my characters again, and honestly,he is one of my favorite whipping boys as of late for some reason, (I'm sure a psychiatrist would have a blast with that one), but I alienated one of my readers and they told me they were out because they couldn't take all the abuse of that character. meh... I've read some of their stuff and well, I don't think they have much room to judge, but whatever. I'm not going to let it bother me too much, better I beat up on a fictional character than a real person. I'm annoyed with my dog, who actually is a really good dog that deserves much better than he gets around here. Yeah, hes gotten really great medical care and all that, he gets good food and all the things a dog should get from a responsible owner, except for enough attention. I am so damn busy herding kids to school, through online lessons, keeping the house clean, working, and trying to catch a shower from time to time as well as manage the bills and other business, I barely have time to write or keep the few threads of my sanity intact. I have come to hate my ex more than a little. When he deigns to call the children, he never fails to take some time to take a backhanded swipe at me for something or another, and this last time, when he called after a week and a half of silence, it was to comment that he had seen me on the show,"Portlandia". I had gotten to be an extra for a skit called,"The Canoe Dance" and while it was fun and I would gladly do it again, it was not a great hair day for me. It had been misting earlier in the morning and my hair looked flat, so of course, the ex's comment was 'Wow, you really looked like shit, your hair looked terrible." He then went on to comment that the reason my 10 y/o was always angry with me was because I didn't know how to parent boys and that I didn't do enough for him. Never mind the fact that if I maybe had more resources, I could do more for him and that our latest battles had all hinged around the fact that my son was bored and frustrated with always being told we either couldn't afford something or couldn't go somewhere because we don't have a car. The ex whined that he wasn't in the daughters birthday video and he said,"You know, that's messed up. Why isn't there a picture of me in it?" Well, lets see...I had begged him to bring me or send me the kids memory boxes with all their stuff that he wouldn't let me have when I initially left AZ, but he claimed he didn't have the money or the room so he put them in storage, so all I have are the things I managed to smuggle out of the house when I went down to get the boys, which sadly doesn't include too many pictures because I couldn't find them in the tweekers nest he had turned the house into. The next reason is, why should he be in her birthday video? He hasn't been there for her for her last 5 birthdays and he did nothing for her for this one except for a call the day before, hes always just given her a half-assed apology for being a shitty father. It really pissed me off that he thought he should be represented on her special day when he hasn't been there for her, and I mentioned it to her that he was offended he wasn't in it, her reaction was the same as mine, "Why should he be in it? He hasn't been here!" She snorted and flounced off to go work on learning yet another song on her piano that he thought was too much of a gift to get her for Christmas.
I guess maybe bashing on my fictional character is my way of bashing on all the men that have pissed me off lately. It should put me in a better mood to get the frustration out of my system, but it doesn't. I think I need to put that story on hiatus and write something else for awhile until I can resolve my general state of annoyance with the male species.
My oldest son sparked an odd conversation with me the other day, I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and for some reason we started talking about why I am an ardent supporter of the Anti-bullying campaign and the Trevor project as well as gay rights. I explained to him about growing up in the era of Ryan White and seeing all the harm that was done to a dying child due to ignorance, and my own experiences with bullying and hate because of what people perceived,when you work in certain fields and dress in less than feminine ways and hang out with men most of the time, people assume things and I have lived a vast amount of my life with people assuming I was a Lesbian, including to some extent, my own family. I have experienced, first hand, hate and the kind of things that most people have no clue about and its horrible. I wanted my children to never, ever inflict that kind of pain on anyone no matter what they look or act like, and I seem to have managed to do that with at least a couple of them. My eldest son really gets it, but his comes from his religious beliefs, he may be a frustrating knucklehead in a lot of ways, but to hear my son say,"When you are a Christian, you are supposed to love EVERYONE, not just pick and choose. I have read the Bible and I know what it says and it says nothing about picking and choosing who you love and who to bring to God.You don't win people over by telling them they are evil, you win them over with love and compassion and understanding, everybody needs love." Damn, my boy maybe should be a preacher because he really would be a good one, he not only says this stuff from his mouth, he believes it from his heart and he was telling me about seeing a picture of a baby on a friends Facebook page, and then he told me that the baby had been a miscarriage because the mother had been very sick and it made his heart hurt to see it, and while he hated the thought of abortion, he understood why they were needed in some cases and that all the pending legislation made him scared for his sisters lives under such horrible control. It was a deep conversation for him and me to have and it even went on to include talk of a subject that he rarely broaches with me, Sex and sexually transmitted diseases. I was flabbergasted that he was asking questions, but I answered them directly and honestly and gave him the most honest and up to date information available, all the while hoping like hell he was sticking to his pledge to wait until he was married. Hes told me that his friends know almost nothing about the diseases and the risks out there to their health as well as what to be aware of, and that they ask him because they know I actually talk to my kids about such things in a very open and candid manner, even about drugs and alcohol and the risks as well as the true effects of them. I don't know why more parents don't talk to their kids in an open and honest manner, with the internet being the way it is, they can just go on one of a million websites and get the wrong information or information that is too clinical or written by people trying too hard to relate to kids. More parents need to do what I did, just sit down and listen and answer honestly, it has an amazing effect on the kid and it just may save their life.
Im hoping Spring will show up around here pretty soon and improve my general mood, and that maybe the pace of my life will slow down just a little bit. I was ecstatically happy to see Ridley Scott has made another Sci-Fi movie called "Prometheus" that looks every bit as fantastic as Blade Runner. That really brought you to my mind a lot last night and DAMN! I wish you were here to go see it with me, because you introducing me to the brilliance that was Blade Runner sure was a game changer to me. I miss you soo damn much.