Dear Roger: Guerrilla Parenting?

Sitting around this morning teasing a poor boy that is about to become a daddy for the first time about all the things he has to look forward to with a youngster underfoot, I have been reminiscing about all the things I experienced with my pack of young-uns and I have to wonder, how the hell I am sane at all, and if I am?
Kids do all kinds of things that your reaction to, while you are in the moment, really say a lot about you as a person and as a parent.  When I was a rookie at this whole situation, I used to want everything to be perfect. I wanted my eldest son to always be dressed like a little Lord Fauntleroy and I was always worried about what he ate and how he slept and if his poops were normal and all that great stuff. I didn't even have him snipped because I didn't have a pecker so I didn't know if it mattered or not and I couldn't bear the thought of one little ouchie ever happening to him ever! I carried him around in my arms so long that I swear the child probably thought he hadn't been born yet we were so attached.
I was insanely protective, didn't even cut his hair until he was nearly 2 and his little pink curls were getting him called 'Girly" by all my friends. Ahh yes, my "Friends", the ones who would do things like slip him sips of soda and other junk food when I wasn't looking or who found it highly amusing to teach him bad words like, "Asshole" and other such pleasantries. They especially found it amusing to teach him to use it to address strangers.
Kids are like that, they will pick up on the most inappropriate, foul word that you wish they had never heard and the will fixate on it and then, when you least expect it or want to even admit YOU know what it is, they will trot it out in public or around polite society and expose you for the true deviant that you are. Lately, my middle son, who has Downs Syndrome, has been obsessed with the phrases "Boner" and "Gay Sex" . He is in middle school. He comes home with the most charming things that he has been put up to by the lovely boys, (and girls) of the middle school world and he likes to share them with the world at large. The lady who runs the market we shop at on a regular basis now knows that, in addition to his mustache, he has pubes and that he finds her "Beautiful."  I wouldn't allow his older brother to kill him in the store, but his sister came pretty close. She shrieked in horror and said in a very loud and shrill voice, which carried all the way to the BACK of the store and down the sidewalk a bit,"CONNER!! WE DON'T SAY PUBES IN PUBLIC!"
I cant even pretend they aren't mine anymore. I cant outrun them. You will find as your kids get older, you are just too damn worn out to escape them. That has to be part of their grand scheme. They exhaust you by being so cute when they are babies that you lay there listening to them breathe and catering to their every sigh and whimper, and then when they are toddlers you cater to them to keep the temper tantrums down to a minimum so you don't get stared at like the rolling dog fight in the middle of a circus that you will feel like, and then when they are tweens, you start to realize that things are not what they seem, but by then, its too late! You are stuck! You are exhausted, often broke, and starved for sleep, sanity and decent, non-processed food and you cannot escape and you really wont want to anymore.
Once they are teens, you are totally screwed. I look over at my teen shaped lump that is laying on my couch, (even though he KNOWS I hate it when he sleeps on the couch because he sweats and funks it up), and I wonder, what happened to the little baby with the cute pink curls? Nowadays, he finds it funny to do things like blame his farts in public on me or his sister, and he burps so loud that people turn and stare, but hes looking at ME all scandalized like I did it instead. There are days I cant do a thing to please him, even though I try, and then days when I try to piss him off, that I seem to make him the happiest? Hes a guy now and he makes no sense to me.
Having kids is a crash course in the biological sciences and honestly, bio-hazards. I have had to clean things up and deal with things that have left me wondering just how in the hell its possible for me to ever want to eat food ever again. Children seem to believe that parents clothes are repository's for boogers and drool until they are well into their young adult years, and if you have a favorite t-shirt or what not, HIDE IT! they will find it and they will either paint it with barf, poop, pee or boogers or sharpie in some hideous manner and it wont even be salvageable or Hipster cool. Walls and your favorite art work also become favorite places to stash boogers for later consumption ,(I guess), I have had to gingerly scrape boogers off all kinds of surfaces in my house and I can only assume the child was trying to contribute to the overall theme?
They seem to believe that underwear is disposable and cheap for some reason and that actually pissing in the commode is only a suggestion, especially if they are boys, but when MOM gives them a lesson on aiming, that tends to correct that via traumatic mental scarring.
When you give them toys, forget about the instructions and the rules and the suggestions on how to play with it. Give them the box, get down on the floor with them and go nuts. They don't care about the rules. Kids aren't tiny little psychologists or focus groups, they are kids. Mine usually threw the toy in the commode, stuffed the cat in the box and had a blast beating on the wrapping as we chased each other around with it.
Be noisy and sing weird and inappropriate songs with them. We sang, and still sing "Keep Awake" all the damn time. Yes, people look at me funny for it. Yes, I have ended up in TWO principals offices for it,(so far), Yes! Its probably NOT intended for kids,(there is really no telling with that boy), but you know what? My kids LOVE that song. They KNOW it by heart, every single word to it and we can be walking down the sidewalk in the cold, miserable, Portland rain and my daughter will start singing it and the next thing you know we are ALL singing and laughing, (Even Stubby) and that is something.
Every kid and every family is different and they are all weird and embarrassing in their own way and kids thrive on doing things that make you want to cringe and hide, but some basic guidelines for survival are; keep the ADULT toys in a locked cabinet with the key either hidden or on your person at all times, always clear your cache and log off from your "Special" web sites, know that your friends are going to teach your kids words that you don't want them to say and know that they are going to say them in front of people to embarrass  you, blame your parents or your significant other or just pretend the person who heard it is hallucinating and crazy. Everything is surmountable, don't sweat the small stuff. Laugh at it. Material goods are just that, material goods. The only thing that matters in this life is your kid and what you mean to them and they to you. Love them and laugh with them they will remember that and love you for it.