Dear Roger: How To Be The Perfect Parent

When you find out you are going to be a parent, lots of people tend to offer you lots of advice about things from the ridiculous to the sublime. They will tell you to enjoy your last few days of sleep and sanity before your kid arrives,(that's actually pretty good advice), and they will tell you what to feed it, how to dress it, where to put it to bed and how to carry it, talk to it, and all kinds of crap.
They will judge you on what you eat and drink, how you act or look and all the crap you did before you found out you were going to be a parent, as well as all the stuff you do while you are waiting, (even if you follow all the rules to the letter), as the old saying goes,"You cant please everyone."
I am a firm believer that having a kid is a bit like a crap shoot. You can do everything right, be healthy, live healthy and still get a kid with an issue, or you can be a walking disaster of stress who drank the first few weeks you were pregnant because you HAD NO CLUE! you were knocked up, live like you are a refugee because you are hiding from a psycho, and you can have a totally healthy, textbook example of a perfect child born.
I've been a parent for over 20 years and im still learning new stuff everyday and saying things, doing things and dealing with crap that leaves me mind-boggled on a daily basis. Luckily, the flushing of weird/important stuff down the commode has mostly subsided, but we still keep a plunger and a snake in the bathroom because you NEVER FREAKING KNOW!
I have learned a few things over the years but I don't consider myself an expert by any means at all. My kids are kinda weird at times, a bit contrary and they have moments of sheer cussedness that make me forget I speak English.
I have learned that when a kid has a lovie/stuffy that they carry around and talk to and cling to like its the most important thing in the world, you always rescue it and you don't give it away. You respect that shit and you don't make fun of it. Everything has its time and its reason and if you don't make a huge deal of it, most of the time it will pass or settle out the way it needs to settle. Pick your battles and don't make the lovie one of them, you will lose.
Your kid isn't like everybody else s kid and they all do stuff at different times in different ways and it tends to work best for them. Your kid is also not you, so don't expect them to be,(this one has kicked my ass quite regularly and been the hardest thing for me to deal with), especially with my eldest two.
Your kid is not a poodle, you dont have to pimp and preen and groom to impress with them at the kid park like you do with your pooch at the dog park. Your kid will be happy naked with binky and snot in their hair, but polite society expects at least a diaper. This has also been a hard one for me and all of my sons still resent me for the sweater vests and penny loafers of their smaller days.
Talk to your kid. Not baby talk, though that is okay in small doses and if you are a dude it will totally win you points with women and get you all kinds of cred, but talk to them as they grow to. Also remember that your kids are LISTENING to you and WATCHING you all the damn time. You don't get a pass on any fuckery any more once you have kids. I get my nose rubbed in the fact almost daily that my daughter once saw me drink a beer and smoke a cigarette. "Thats really BAD mom! You could DIE and leave me an ORPHAN!"  Yeah...not cool. My cussing also gets thrown in my face almost daily. I cuss, I admit it. Im a freaking ex-cop! Im supposed to cuss! But I am strict on my kids about it and my eldest son is the strictest on the little kids.
My youngest daughter loves to sing a few songs and a couple of them have cuss words in them, including "Dinosaur" by the Mechanical People. We even remind her, "Stevie, don't forget to Graupner edit", but she usually does and then shes in time out for 10 minutes usually muttering on her way,"Dang it! Ben!"
Your kids listen and you are their first and most important and influential teacher. If you are racist and homophobic or just plain ignorant, you are going to make life hard for your kids while they grow out of it, I know, believe me, I KNOW.
The most vitally important thing that you need to absolutely know and have to be a parent though is this; you have to be ALL IN. You have to have complete and total, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for your kid NO MATTER WHAT. If they are cute and perfect born to a life of privilege and joy, or damaged, homely, born in a ghetto, if you are all in and love that child with all your heart and soul and they KNOW that, then that child is golden. Never let them feel doubt for that for one minute, even if they test you and do things that break your damn heart and make you crazy, always, always, always tell them and let them know you love them and that you are there for them, because if you aren't, who will be? The difference between the broken and damaged people in the world and those who fly above it all, is that those who fly were loved.
If you are about to become a parent, you are already flying so its your turn to pass those wings on.