Dear Roger:You Are Who You Are

Since I first showed an interest in entering the realm of public service my psyche and personality has been analyzed and picked apart by every type of test and screening tool that shrinks and hacks could throw out there for the government to spend our tax dollars on. I've taken the MMPI, the Meyers Briggs, I've had to suffer through my,"Colors" being analyzed while people tried to decide if I was a team player enough for Americorp,(I got into Americorp and served but am most decidedly NOT a team player), I am very much a control freak who did quite well teaching Smoking Cessation classes to undeserved communities, because I was running the show and helping people.
The one test that I have taken over and over again since my very first class that was moshed up blend of Sociology/Psychology and English and Ethics was a personality type indicator test that assigns letters to you and its haunted me my whole damn life because though I have taken it over and over again at different points in my life, after different things have hit me, molded me, changed me and you would think made me a vastly different person, I always get the same damn response...those same damn letters that mark me as someone who no matter how I rail against it and want to be a colder and harder person who doesn't give a damn, just cannot.
ISFJ-Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging,  my son read the description of the type and he looked up at me and said,"Whoa...its like they just wrote a perfect description of you, except you aren't an introvert, you like a few people you just like them on your terms and on a very limited basis."
Loyal to a fault, those who have followed along with my life for the past couple of years know this is true about me. I am one of the dogged few still supporting the same things and people I have supported all along, quietly but with the same devotion and passion. Doing what I can when I can and just keeping on keeping on.
I work a job I am vastly over-qualified for, not because I have to, but because of the simple reason I adore my boss. She is the mom figure I needed. She has been my mentor, my friend and the best PTSD and grief counselor I have ever had. She calls me on my bull shit, has made me try to live in the world again, and she has helped me to find a focus. When she leaves, I will leave too unless she asks me to stay as a favor to her. Other jobs I have held have been the same way, I held them because I liked the people I worked with. If I don't like the person or company I work for, then I wont do it. I cant be bought and I've always managed to find places to be where people are somewhat enjoyable to be around. I loved my tenure at the Sheriffs department and I worked for free for a long time. There were people there I would have stepped in front of a bullet for. People like that are few and far between in my life, I've met one in the past 3 years outside of my kids that I felt I would protect like that, its a weird feeling, that call to duty and I don't know what In my genetic code cursed me with it, but It seems to run in my family.
My grandpa im pretty sure was cut the same and I'm getting the same feeling off my daughter. Shes oddly devoted, very focused and caring, and shes a hard worker that doesn't mind giving up the glory to make others feel good and she will fight tooth and nail to protect her loved ones. She approached her principal on her own today about having an assembly so she could give a speech about how bullying could really harm someone and how words are hurtful to people you might not even suspect can be hurt by them. I was shocked that she did that, but she is adamant she wants to do it, she feels called to stop people from suffering. Oh, my poor baby! She is starting down a hard road and I don't know what to do for her other than support her. I can remember being her age and standing in front of a classroom full of kids giving a tear soaked speech about how cruel and evil it was for the boys to have stomped and killed a nest full of Kildeer chicks out on the 2nd grade play ground at recess. I remember the giggles of the boys in the class and the look from the teacher, who allowed me to speak, but then sent me to the nurse to lay down because I was so overwrought. My daughter I could see wanting to kick the asses of those boys...shes the slightly tougher and meaner version of me, but then again she has 3 older brothers.
She has been bullied for her quirkiness, and its had an impact on her. Jackson no longer goes with her to school and she may still dress every bit as funky as she ever did, but she does not wear dresses to school anymore. She isnt as outgoing as she once was and that saddens me, because I do not want to see her become like me. I want her to be an extrovert and less of a giver, more of a taker in the world. Maybe that is wrong but as I sit here tonight, still fuming with anger somewhat over a snide comment that my ex made that I,"Overspend each month." Yeah...overspend the money I earn and use to support my kids on my own. I wish I had been more inclined to take and less inclined to forgive and put up with bullshit. I want her to be the type of woman that will take power and set the world on its ear, make it take notice and hear her roar, even if I am still sitting in the shadows quietly cheering her on.