Dear Roger; Your Birthday Is Coming Up Dec 21st,If I Throw A Party Will You Come?

Well Rog, I do have a really good excuse for not writing sooner, I have been writing other things for the first time in a long damn time. I have written 3 songs and my novel has finally shown some damn progress for the first time in a long time. I have been doing my best to keep myself up and motivated, but this time of year just sucks the damn life out of me. I try not to be to morose for the kids, but if it was up to me, I wouldn't get a tree or anything. I am such a god damned selfish person in my heart, but my kids force me to be a decent human being for their sakes. So in the next week or two, I will scramble about and find some lil miserable Charlie Brown looking tree and we will make our own decorations, though I am going to ask the ex to send me up my raggedy assed patch work angel that Chance and I have had for close to 15 years, that is unless he has tossed it, and we will decorate it up like polite society expects me to, so Stevie will be happy. I am going to do the best to make sure they have some good things to enjoy under the tree, but fucking hell, as usual money is tight. I will get what I normally get...nada, and I am okay with that. If I get some time to write or read or listen to my music without that crap son calls music overriding it, I will be tickled pink, but mainly I will be happy to see all this mess behind me again until next year.

It dawned on me the other day that what would have been your 65th birthday is coming up on Dec 21st! Holy Hell, Rog. I can imagine what you would be like at 65, still that presence that gets the attention of everybody in the room we would walk into, still as dynamic and charming as ever. Probably traveling all over the place and making fantastic art. You would have been such a fantastic role model for Chance, he really needs you. I know you would be proud of the two daughters you raised, even though they weren't yours by blood, they honor your name and memory, as do I. So many times people ask me that stupid assed question, "If you could have one more day with any person in your life, who would it be?" Its always you. I never got to tell you that you were my lifeline through the tough times. I would trade decades of my life for more time with you, for the opportunity to have had you guide my son and be involved in my kids lives. My son reminds me of you at times. He has that presence thing going on, people notice him and he has that moody artistic temperament that we were accused of having. He thinks he cant draw, but he is one of those annoyingly talented kids that excels at sports, and in fact he has been scouted and recruited by a high tone prep school that wants him to play for them. He can pick up damn near any musical instrument just by piddling around with it for a while, and he was a really good bag pipe player and violinist until he got bored with them and quit. He sings at the drop of the hat, and dances all over the damn place. I love that he is exuberant and feels free to express himself. His fashion sense gives me fits, and I have a bit of a hard time letting go of that sometimes,(a problem I know you would be sure to help me with, much like you did mom) but his isn't wanting mohawks and Doc Martens with chains like I did, he wants to dress in a way that sends off the wrong impression. I wish you were here to smack me upside the head and tell me to get over it. Im alone. I hate that because this solo parenting of a teen boy shit is complicated. When you were around I didn't feel like I was alone, even if you were across the world, you would always seem to know when I needed a call to save me from my own personal brand of misery.

I spend a lot of time walking around up here listening to music and thinking about things. My counselor back in Flag would have approved of the fact that I am actually going outside and sort of interacting with the world now. I do talk to people on occasion in real life, but actual human contact is still pretty limited. Did you know I have not had a non-family hug in so long that I am actually kinda a little afraid of how I would react. Physical contact with a man has been even more scarce though I long for it with the burning want of 10million white hot suns, its gotten so bad that I even flirt with my young, gay neighbor pretty shamelessly just to see him blush and half in the hopes I might turn him.

I think we will celebrate your birthday this year by going out for Japanese food. I will introduce Chance to sushi and saki and I will tell him stories about the time you got that pinto up to 85 on Old Spanish Trail with me giggling like a fiend in the passenger seat and swearing I wouldnt tell grandma. I hope you will join us. I miss you soo damn much.

Tom Waits - The long way home

Dear Roger:I Tend To Wander On The Low SIde Of The Road

Wow,its been awhile hasn't it?I guess I wish I could say there has been a lot going on, but there hasn't been. I have just been fucking depressed and haven't really felt like writing as much. I get that way sometimes and I wallow in my misery by sitting out under the trees off my back deck, staring at the cars driving by on the road,smoking cigarretts until one of the kids demands I come in and pay attention to them.

I dont know why things started bugging me, perhaps it was all the horror movies,perhaps it was just too much time on my hands to think about all the things that I have done, the past and all the things that I have seen, but I started considering the fact that I have seen and handled horrors that most normal people cannot begin to comprehend. I am not normal, not by a long shot. I never have been. I have always been drawn to the dark and the grotesque, the freak shows and horror movies and things that would send normal people scurrying away in terror. I sought out and read dark things, hell, I have even written them.

I know things that most people do not know,like what a decomposed body really smells like, the sound a bloated body makes when it hits the ground after you cut it out of a tree, the feel of brains under your fingers, or how much pressure you have to use to puncture the vitreous humor of an eye to get the fluid.I have seen death in so many forms...accidental,planned,intentional,murder,natural and the looks on the faces of each and every one of the dead is still with me, especially the children. I cannot close my eyes at night without seeing each and every child I have ever picked up off the side of the road or out of their parents arms or off of some filthy floor. I can still feel the weight of their small bodies against me as I carried them to the body bags.

It bothers me that these memories stick with me clearer than some of my memories that I know would be happier. I have a hard time remembering many of the trips with my grandparents.Those were so long ago, but they were the bright spots of my youth. The one memory of a trip with them that does stand out is being in Whiteriver and seeing a native man fall out in front of a truck,that is very vivid in my mind.

I remember my father coming in and telling me that my very first crush had just been killed by a drunk driver.I even remember the smell on his clothes and how the house looked, where I was standing and how dark it was outside and that it rained for the entire next week. That memory is so strong it often haunts me at night, while the memory of his face and the times he spoke to me or I actually got to interact with him, are fading.

It seems that the memory of horror and fear has a very strong power to erase any of the happy memories that you might have. I know that I had some happy times with my eldest sons father, in fact the time we spent in L.A. was some of the happiest time in my life and I know that it must have been like a dream come true for me to have actually made it out there with a man who had actually been in movies and who knew his way around all the cool places I had only seen on tv,but almost all those memories were erased by the things he did to me later. All I remember when I see him in my memory is the shark like blank stare,the scalpel, the gun,his handcuffs, and that isolated little house he kept on the West Side with the deep hole in the back yard and the feel of his hands on my face. I still feel lucky to have escaped with my life and the scars and little glitches in my personality are a small price to pay.

The memories of my ex-husband are mostly of him with the straight razor to my throat and the look that was in his eyes...10 years and that is what I take away with me, the feel of a straight razor to my throat and the look of want in his eyes while my kids cried next to me on the bed. Fuuuck! is it any shock I have my days of down time?

I have been writing again, working on a novel for the Nainomo writing thingy and so far its progressing okay. I have also written a couple of songs, so I guess I am snapping out of it. A job change is in the works, the pet place is just not going to work out at all. Im tired of walking the 2.5 miles there only to be sent home because they cant find their asses with both hands and get me something to do.

You , Rog, are always strong in my memories...but the day you came to grandmas looking so tired and laid your head on her kitchen table and fell asleep is strongest in my memories because that is the day I knew our time was short. I miss you , I miss you soo much.

Fuzzy Monkeys

This is the biggest Jackson Rathbone fan alive. Dont let that cute lil smile fool you, touch the monkey or dis her monkey man and she will mess your butt up.

That monkey she has cuddled up to her?The monkey that I had to write a permission slip for so she could take it to school for picture day rather than deal with the trauma of a child that believed her monkey would be sad if he wasnt included? Thats her "Jackson" its been to 2 concerts and it goes to church with her,sleeps in her bed, and on all trips. There is a picture of her with the real deal and this goofy monkey. She loves them both. Family members have found out that its best not to ask if she loves Jackson more than them, she will answer honestly and they wont like her answer.

Small things work small miracles,shes a happy kid again. She smiles and laughs and demands to know when her 'Boy" is coming back for another show. I just smile and tell her that he is busy being working and she will see him when he gets back this way, but that she has to share him.Its not what she wants to hear,but she knows there are worse answers to things.

I will miss this age when she grows out of it, that sweet, innocent, first love when your hero is 10 ft tall and bullet -proof and can do no wrong, I wish she would remain this unjaded forever.I am doing my best to protect these fleeting days, I remember when I had a hero and I still cant stand to hear him spoken ill of, so I will give her this time to adore hers, its important.

Dear Roger; Why In The Hell Am I Living Under Murphys Law?

What a fecking month! First off, I finally manage to get a couple of jobs and I am pretty damn happy that they are fairly low maintenance, dont require much thinking, pay is tolerable, type of jobs, but the one downside is that I seem to be dealing with folks that cant find their butts with both hands when it comes to getting paperwork processed,or scheduling or even getting folks paid on time!I was supposed to have a couple of paychecks under my belt by now, which would really come in handy right about now, but someone dropped the damn ball and it will now be another two weeks before I get paid. The other job cant seem to get me scheduled properly because I read really fast and I am ripping through the training that they think should take nearly 60 hours, in less than a week, so I am having to wait for the rest of the chuckleheads they hired to catch up with me. I dont believe in padding the time clock or just sitting there wasting time, so I read the materials, did the tests and now they dont know what to do with me while the others struggle through. Soo, I screwed myself a bit there because I could use more hours.

I haven't worked around the general public yet, I am spending most of the time working in the back or setting up visuals and displays, so its a lot of grunt work that is not too exciting, and its also really physically demanding because I work with a bunch of girly girls who aren't used to doing a lot of heavy lifting so I am the one that is ending up doing all the huge, heavy work.I am glad I am capable, but I am also coming home pretty damn tired. Add in the fact that one of the lil chicks felt fit so share her cold with me and its been real fun hacking and snotting all over the place when I am trying to get out and meet a man!

Its still been a social ghost town around here for me, and that is so fucking frustrating that I am about to lose my mind. I have been getting out more, I am in excellent shape, in fact I am pretty damned skinny and I am getting toned . My boobs are looking great and I dress up whenever I go anywhere, so I dont look like some scrub that crawled out of a laundry hamper, but while I have gotten lots of looks, and I have flirted more than a few times, I end up spending my weekends and nights alone. I have to say that this is the longest sexual drought I have been in for my entire adult life. I have always been able to find a companion or even a "Friend with benefits" that was willing to take care of business for me when I felt the need, but not for the past couple of years and I really cant figure out what the issue is that makes me so unapproachable, by men that is. I have been hit on almost constantly by women, but when it comes to men...thhhpt, buptkas,nada and I am to the point of wishing I could just rent one for a bit.Chance finds it highly amusing I get hit on by women, and he says that the men avoid me because I look at them like I want to either,"Beat the hell out of them or eat them". Thats not whats on my mind, but maybe a close proximity?

Soo, anyhoo...Ive gotten almost all my paperwork in for my Masters program to start back up in January and I will be glad to have my brain back working on something that I actually care about. I have a story working in my head and I have been jotting down the outline for it, so hopefully I will have it ready to flesh out pretty soon, but I have to remember that when you are working on an outline for a story that has a woman with two kids who fled Domestic Violence to a new place because of a rock band, only to find out that she has terminal cancer and has less than 6 months left to live, DONT LEAVE THE NOTES WHERE YOUR KID CAN FIND THEM! Poor Chance freaked the hell out and I still haven't gotten him convinced its a fiction story. So I guess I have to keep my next doctors appointment just to give him peace of mind.

A DIFFERENT FOREST: Fine Monkey Lovin

A DIFFERENT FOREST: Fine Monkey Lovin

Check it out on "A Different Forest"

Dear Roger: As Good As I Once Was?

Its been a long dang week! I started back to a real damn job or two and it came pretty damn close to kicking my butt. I got to say though, getting out and around people again seems to agree with me and I enjoy being busy, especially this month. Working the night shift was a good way for me to slide back into things because folks tend to be a little more relaxed and casual about things. One of the gals I work with is a smoker and we went and hung out for a bit, smoking and talking about random things, including how we both get nagged at over our smoking habit. The work doesn't require much thinking, and it changes from day to day, so there will be something to keep my interest, the only down side is that they seem to have figured out that I am pretty strong, in fact they have already tapped me to load couches and other furniture when there was a guy around! My boss said its because I move with a confidence and way of moving that just says," Strength".That kinda cracked me up, but I guess they are right, that and the fact I dont worry about breaking a nail or smudging up any makeup.

My other job is just in the orientation stage, and its a bit aggravating due to the fact I am having to deal with slower learners. If they would just let me log onto the system from my laptop at home and go through all their company specific stuff, I would be done with all their requirements and ready to start their proprietary training so that I would be good to go by the holiday push, but they insist that I come into the office and sit in their breakroom and use the one computer they have, so I have to share it with 4 other people who are also new hires. As you finish each section of the information, you test over it and if you pass, you move on. I finished a weeks worth in one day and I am ready to move on to the next level, but the others are having difficulty and that is bogging up the works!I am off work for the next week because the others need the time to try and catch up with me.I am going to be training and rehabilitating large breed, rescue dogs, so its not like this is my first rodeo.I know what I am doing, I have done it before and I have a lot of experience at it, but they have their way they want things done, so I will have to play their game until things are lined out.

The first day of work was a tough one on me,I had to be at one job from 7p til 3 am and then up again at 6 am to get the kids up for school, then walk the 2.5 miles to my other job by 8am to work until 1pm then walk the 2.5 miles back home to meet daughters bus by 230, then cook dinner,clean house and get kids settled for the night so I could get up to go to work by 8 am the next morning. I was just a little bit on the tired side by the time things were all said and done.

I enjoyed it, even if I was a bit tired. My son is a bit worried about me walking so far in the dark once my schedule gets set in a month or two, but I am not really worried.The key to being safe when you are walking at night is to look just a little meaner and crazier than everything else out there and people tend to stay away from you. I am well able to manage that.

Tomorrow my son plays his next football game and I am soo looking forward to seeing it! He is supposed to get to start as a tackle this time and if his enthusiasm is half as much as it was last game, it will be a pretty exciting game.

I made it though yesterday. I cried a few times,but I have hope that someday my heartache will ease. Folks keep telling me that there is a man out there looking for me, I just have to be willing to see him.