Dear Roger: Insomnia Has The Most Inconvenient Timing

It goes to figure that the night before I have a busy as hell day, I would have yet another bout of insomnia. I swear its like my body just goes into rebellion at the thought of leaving the house to be around people or something so it tries to keep me home by rendering me exhausted and cranky. Last nights run of insomnia wasn't the typical ,'Lets just stare at the ceiling until we are ready to enunculate our own eyeballs , not this type is the worst its the lets let her doze off just enough that shes comfortable and then jar awake all paranoid like there is something going on" type of insomnia. Yeah,,,lots of fun, I woke up every hour or so feeling like something woke me up, so I had to get up and check the kids and the doors and try and figure out just what the hell? Watch enough horror movies or be a cop long enough and you dont sleep so good when you have that kind of night. I was too out of it to write anymore on either of my stories, so I just ended up reading any emails that had come in and trying to go back to sleep until the next jarring awake. I thought maybe it was the damn cats, but they were sound ass asleep each time I got up to check on things.

Today is sons choir concert and he has been bitching and bellyaching about having to go to it. He hates having to wear anything other than ratty jeans and t-shirts and the choir director requires them to wear dress slacks and shirts with a tie and dress shoes, so its like torture for him. He strips it off the minute he steps off stage and he looks offended when I even dare to ask for pictures of him actually looking decent. He is at that age where he doesn't know what he wants to do from one moment to the next other than play his guitar and talk to his girlfriend or eat. My God! the boy can eat! I got up this morning and went into the kitchen that I had left spotless the night before with everything clean and put away, and I found evidence of a quesadilla apocalypse! It looks like he had 4 or 5 of them and half a jar of salsa. I had cooked dinner, I swear I fed him, but he cooked even more food last night and ate again. Its just a little scary.

He has been playing his guitar constantly and he was getting the slower songs down with no problem, so I threw down a challenge to him. I challenged him to learn a Spencer Bell song called,'Beautiful,More So". Its faster and there are no youtube lessons on how to play it, just some random videos of it, so he will have to pick it up by ear. He has been working at it for days now and hes beginning to get it but the language coming out of his room has turned the air around our apartment all kinds of colors and probably made the neighbors think he has Tourretts. I he takes breaks from it every now and then and goes back to his slower, emo, whiney stuff and I just smile at him until he says,"Shut up mom ! Im gonna get it!" and stomps off back to his room to begin trying and cussing again. Hard to believe he is going to be 15 tomorrow, it still seems like yesterday it was just me and my little curly haired ginger boy against the world, and now he is a giant, dark, curly haired man that wanders around the house in his boxers devouring all the food and tormenting his baby sister.

Sis gets her award at school today. I am supposed to be there at 815 to watch her get it, so I have to put her on the bus and then hotfoot it down there. I hope like hell its not raining, otherwise I am going to get soaked, but it will be worth it to see her, because she was soo excited. She sounds soo funny since she pulled that front tooth.She has a bit of a lisp now and some of the bigger works she uses dont come out right, but that makes it even funnier, after all, what 6 year old says "indubitably?" Yeah, I know, besides me, but I was a freak too.

Mom has been calling lately. I had called and left a message on sis's phone letting her know that BW had died, and I guess she is trying to play mediator again because the next thing I know, mom was calling me wanting to talk out of the blue just about anything. I chatted a bit because I wanted to know how Ali was doing, and when I got the news about the full ride scholarship to any state school in Texas, that made it all worth it. I was so damn happy to hear that. Not only would she not be going to Arizona where its so damn dangerous, she would not be building any student loan debt. That was the best news ever.

I ended up having to call mom back the next night because as I was reading the hometown paper I saw that a boy I had grown up with, in fact a boy I had rode motorcycles with, played baseball with his sister and just known all my life, had died suddenly. He was 40 years old, a full year younger than me. Mom already knew which surprised me. They have lived back home for over the last 5 years and had been their typical anti-social selves, not reading the local paper or even associating with folks, but I guess dad had seen it somewhere. I was shocked, because after all, I was the one who had to call them and tell them Sammy had died, and that was the most devastating death to me since losing grandma and you. I wish I could have gone home to see him before he passed, he was always home to me and now that hes gone I really do feel like there is just nothing back there other than sis to make me want to.

My writing is doing okay. A story I had intended to make only one chapter has gotten quite a bit of attention and commentary and folks have asked me to carry it on for a bit, so I have. Its kinda fun to write because I have made it a challenge to myself to keep the characters just on the edge of recognizable, but generic enough that people can fill in their own fantasies. Sometimes I find that folks get waay to caught up in describing their people and it takes away the imagination of the reader, so I have challenged myself to not do that. its hard, and I have had a couple of critics bitch about it, but I wrote them back,(nicely) and explained that I was doing it intentionally, so they will either get it or not. I have found that I am having just a bit of difficulty writing sex scenes. I dont know if its my Traditional, Conservative, Texas, Southern Christian upbringing or the fact that I haven't been laid in so long that I probably wouldn't know what to do with a pecker in real life if one came knocking, but when I was trying to write the scene, I just found myself blushing and vapor-locked. I dont get it. I am not a prude by any shape of the imagination. Oh NO. But writing it? snicker....I even looked at visual aids of the guy that was the inspiration for the story, and that usually gets the motor running pretty good, but I just ...yeah... .Maybe I am a bit of a prude? I mean if my daughter was one of those girls chunking undies or flashing her tatas at him at a concert,I would ground her til she was 30 and hide my face in shame for raising such a hussy, so maybe its just the ingrained moral code that I was raised with that I have a hard time using those words...and writing about the act? That or I have just forgotten what the hell its all about.

Dear Roger: How Does An Under-Achiever Spawn Such Over-Achievers?

Well yesterday was quite an adventure. I decided to get out of the house and take care of some business that I had put off for a couple of weeks. The weather was typical Portland, one minute drizzling and overcast, the next sunshiny and warm. Its hard as hell to know what exactly to wear on days like that, so I went with my typical attire; jeans, boots, leather jacket with Woolrich hoodie and a hat. I walked the mile to the office I had to go to and took care of the business I needed to handle and then I decided to walk up to Fred Meyers to make some copies of a picture of my baby girl with young rock star that I have in my phone so that she would have it for her Christmas. Somewhere along the way I got distracted and took a wrong turn and I ended up walking all the way to Mt Hood College. That turned out to be a waste of time because they are in finals week and nobody is available to talk about anything, so I turned around and walked back up to Fred Meyers. It drizzled on me pretty much the entire time, but I didn't mind, like I said, I have gotten used to it. After I left Freds though, that is when the rain decided to get serious about things. I was midway home down Powell and somebody unzipped the damn sky! Out in the middle of an industrial type area, no place to get into, nothing to get under and boom! So I had to step it up and bit because I didn't want my iPod to get ruined, and I managed to get under an awning of a building. I was soaked to the bone and that wouldn't have been a problem, but I was wearing a new pair of jeans that were just a little big on me...with no belt. Wet jeans, a little large, no belt with no ass left in my pants. I ended up having to hold them up most of the walk home. They aren't huge, but they were loose enough to keep sliding down, and I have no desire to show the world my Victoria Secrets.

Got great news about my kids yesterday. My eldest daughter managed to get a full scholarship to any Texas state college. That means her tuition and fees are paid for the full four years! On top of the other scholarships she already has, and her grants and such, she wont have to take out a dime in student loans and that makes me soo damn happy! She will escape being a slave to student loans. She is such a smart kid and has such potential, I cant wait to see what she will decide to study. My parents keep trying to nudge her into things like being a nurse or a technician of some sort, and I think,"Screw that" she has had all AP classes, was an honors grad that had advanced Chem and Biology and Calc. she could go PreMed! Or Law school or anything, but she has to find her folly, not be pushed into something. I am just going to sit back and let her choose her path. My mother was discouraging her from taking Japanese as a language and I wanted to hit her, Leave the girl alone! If she wants to study Japanese, freaking let her, its her life. I studied Latin and I loved it. I had Spanish in High School and I HATED it, I resented being forced to study it and consequently I only speak Law Enforcement Spanish, but I can read Latin and I still have my Latin books. My parents can be so damn aggravating at times when it comes to their comments about what should and shouldn't be done.

My small daughter is getting some kind of award at a special assembly on Wednesday and she is getting tested for gifted and talented schooling. Her grades are outstanding and I actually had to fuss at her yesterday to quit reading and get dressed for school! She is a lot like me at that age, her nose in a book constantly, but she is very dramatic and outgoing and gregarious, unlike me at that age. She has quite a few friends and is very popular at her church and school, so I see bright things in her future. She is also a pretty hard core and tough kid, she discovered one of her teeth was loose and she worked and wiggled that thing and then just popped it the hell out on her own! I dont know too many 6 year old little girls that do stuff like that.

Stubby is in the spelling bee at his school. His grades are outstanding, when he turns in his work, but his teacher says he doesn't turn in his work most of the time. He is a bit on the lazy side, but when he is told to catch it up and is forced to sit and work on it, he is able to do it in about half the time as the other kids. He is reading at an 8th grade level and is also really damn smart and his interests are alot like my baby girls, he likes to draw and do art work and music, so I have tried to encourage the ex to make sure he has access to a musical instrument at all times. He was supposed to give him the mandolin that we had to leave, as well as look into making sure he was signed up for music lessons as soon as possible, and hopefully he will.

Soo, I have some damn smart kids. I am pretty lucky in that way, but I am so hopeful that they dont follow in my footsteps. I just never really achieved anything. I had the cover of a magazine at 17 with my photography and then I quit taking pictures and I burned my work. I had some stories and poetry published when I was in my mid20's and then I quit writing for over 10 years. I had more than 4 saves as a medic, that means more than 4 people are walking around in the world alive because of something I did. But then, there is someone who is dead because of something I did, so I quit. If I had not failed that boy on his test, he would not have been in his truck speeding to get to Phoenix to take the makeup test, he wouldn't have been in an accident and he wouldn't have died. I failed him, he died. I failed him as a teacher because he should have been better prepared for the test and then I wouldn't have had to fail him. Sitting at his funeral, (the last funeral I ever attended), I knew I couldn't bear that responsibility again, so I quit.

I have always set goals for myself that seemed hard to reach, then I would meet them and just stop. I wanted to be a cop, I made it then I quit. Wanted to be a firefighter, made it, then I quit. Wanted to be a medic, made it then I quit. Wanted to be a forensic investigator, made it and then I quit. Wanted to own a home, got it and then I gave it away. I am like to poster child for failed expectations and AD/HD. I dont know what I want to do now. I have thought about working to become a published author or songwriter, but I already have a few stories out on the web and they are doing pretty damn good and that makes me happy enough. I have debated going back in to being a medic. I was very good at that and it would provide a good living for me and the kids, so maybe my underachieving butt will finally stick with something long enough to make something of it.

Dear Roger; Walking The Thin Line Between Sanity and Masochism

I got drug out Christmas shopping yesterday. Yep, me. My friends and my kids actually got me to get dressed, and willingly get into a car in the rain with two teen boys and daughter and my friend, and drive to the busiest damn place in all of Portland. It took us more than 15 minutes just to find a place to park, but it was actually kinda funny to engage in the hunt, that part I liked, but then...then, I had to willingly get out of the car and walk into a place that was chock-a block full of people who have no idea how to respect personal space. It actually wasn't too horrible. I was in a pretty good mood after eating Thai food at Soy Grill and laughing at all the jokes my friend and the boys made at my happy noises I made while eating. I really cant help it, that food is damn good and so what if i groan and moan just a little while enjoying it? If my friends son is disturbed a little, then he should put his ear buds in and listen to music or something. I dont get to enjoy food very often and that chicken they serve there is just to die for.

Anyway, made it to the mall and inside and right off the bat I noticed that they have started giving mannequins bulges! Holy hell! It was like finding the perfect man! It had no head, but was dressed in grey jeans and a black leather jacket with boots and a red shirt and it had a nice bulge. Perfect! Of course I had to share my observations and giggle with my friend and speculate. The boys weren't as appreciative of our comments and rapidly decided to take off on their own to shop and be annoying teens in the mall as is expected and I was left without my gay buffer, wandering with my friend. We were walking along with small daughter when we realized we were both holding the hands of daughter and it was funny how fast we both let go of her. My friend is just as conscious of the looks we get as I am even though she doesn't get hit on by women like I do. Last night was no different . I saw lots of really cute guys, but I was wearing my usual black jeans, brown boots, belt, black shirt that showed off the goods, leather jacket with hoodie, though last night I didnt have on a hat at all and I realized my damn hair has gotten long! Its now past my collar in the back and my bangs are past my eyes, so its getting to the point where grandma would have had a hard time looking at me again because I know I resemble you so damn strongly. I guess thats a good thing, but it really doesn't help me meet guys. I was wearing jewelry last night, in fact I had on my favorite torque and my usual bracelets, so I was indulging in some girly stuff. I also bought some more jewelry at Fuego for both me and son, but my friend keeps trying to nudge me into looking at girly things for not only wearing but for decorating my house. I bought a new lamp for my bedroom and I thought it really tied the room together, its a bronze, retro look that goes with the 20'/30's Blues club theme I have been working towards in the apartment, and I got told I "Have the decorating style of a Middle-aged Gay Man." I dont know if that is supposed to be a slam or what, but most of the middle aged guy men I know have a great sense of style so I am just kinda thinking that I have achieved a pretty decent look for the place.

The mall venture was nerve wracking with small daughter running about, every time she spotted anything monkey related she jetted over and the ,"Ohh How cute! Oh I want!" started and I really would love to give her everything she wants, including a custom made Jackson Monkey from the "Build a Bear" place that my wonderful friend so kindly took her in and showed her,(Im getting her son drums), but that damn thing was going to run me over $75 bucks after we got it all built and I just cant afford it right now. I couldn't even buy her another sock monkey last night, but she was more into shopping for others and that was really sweet to see. She wanted to buy young rock star a new sock monkey but I explained to her that the picture she drew was a one of a kind and that meant a lot more than some mass produced knit doll and she should be proud of that, so hopefully she was assuaged for a while , but man...shes getting so damn big and smart I wont be able to snow her for long.

We wandered around for over a couple of hours and I found son a few things for his birthday, including a pair of jeans and friend found him a really nice purple plaid shirt that he will love. I got hit on in Macys and I just smiled and I know I freaking blushed like hell, but it caught me off guard because I was looking at bed linens while daughter was off with friend and I wasn't expecting anyone to speak to me. The set I liked is a dark crimson with black designs and its really stylish,a very retro look and it would really suit my bedroom. I was just pricing it out and kinda muttering to myself when I noticed this chick was standing next to me. She was around my age, taller than me, and dressed very fancy, with long hair and very lady like...in other words the opposite of me. I apologized for hogging the aisle and she said," Oh, you aren't in the way at all. Do you like that set?" I told her that yeah, I liked them I thought they would match my decor very well as well as make it really look classy. She agreed but then said," Well would your husband like it?" I said I dont know, dont have one, dont plan to have one, I pick things to suit myself." (thinking back on the conversation I realized that I probably was REALLY sending out mixed signals at that point, but I am pretty dense at times) She said, "Oh well my name is Liz, nice to meet you.", and of course, stupid me introduced myself.It took me a good 5-7 minutes to realize that I was being flirted with. I just kinda stood there for a minute once it dawned on me and I know my face turned every color of the rainbow, but I finally found my brain and said ,"uhh, Im sorry if I put off the wrong vibes, but Im straight.Im soo straight I have 5 kids." She looked a bit surprised which is yet another kick in the ego for me, and said,"Oh, what a pity." and smiled and walked away. I have decided to avoid Macys for the rest of the holidays. I know my friend saw the interaction and she was grinning like a possum eating persimmons when I finally walked back over to her and daughter, and she just shook her head.

I bought some new pillows last night. I was stripping beds to do laundry the other day and I was floored by the disgusting shape of sons pillow! I had just bought the damn thing in July when we moved up here and I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell he did to the damn thing but it was disgusting. I bought myself a couple of new ones as well. Hopefully that will hold us for a bit, though I need some sheets for my bed because the one decent set I have is not in the best of shape. Its nice to finally be able to replace all the second hand and hand me downs that we got when we first got here with our own new stuff. Its been slow going and not always easy, but finally we are getting some decent stuff. My ex doesn't realize how lucky he is with all the stuff he got when he moved into my house, he got a fully furnished, fully set up house with everything in it. The boys even had over a years worth of clothes and I had the mortgage knocked down to a level that is cheaper than any rent pretty much anywhere. He still gripes about my sense of style too, but I noticed that he claims to really love my leather recliner that I left, so my sense of style must not have been too damn bad.

Dear Roger:I Think My Family Needed A Hobby In March

Its like a financial apocalypse for me and the rest of my family in December. As if Christmas isn't bad enough, there is a plethora of birthdays that is shocking in their number and magnitude. Its almost as if you weren't born in December in this family, then you dont belong. I think the only reason I was born in April was by some weird mistake,(but thats a whole nuther topic of conversation),and I actually tried to avoid the whole December birthday thing for my kids, because truthfully when you are a December birthday kid, you usually get hosed on the gift end of things, and you know that as well as anybody with your birthday being so damn close to Christmas. Ill bet you got the whole,"This is for Christmas AND your birthday" line a million times, didn't you? I tried to list out all the December birthdays the other day and it was staggering, and even with that, I forgot my niece on the 17th! SO we have son on the 16th, nephew on 15th, niece on 17th, daughter on 18th,(I failed avoiding it after all),Gpa on 19th, dad on 20th YOU on 21st , sis on 1st. Oh and lets not forget to add to the mix this year, that my young daughter has decided to insist on drawing a birthday card for her favorite young rock star (who happens to share a birthday with you), and demanding I hunt up an address to mail it to and actually mail it. I had to hike my ass a mile up to the post office in the rain, stand in line feeling like an ass and mail the thing because I promised her...gah! As if I was enough of a dork. SO anyways, Son turns 15 in less than a week now and of course we are broke. I am down to 4 hours a week and with the end of the holiday season rapidly approaching, I will be getting laid off, but I have managed to get him a few things for him to enjoy, but it soo damn hard to figure out what makes a teen boy happy. He loves the guitar ALOT, in fact, I think I have gotten to mess with it maybe a couple of hours since I brought it home, and that was with him hovering over me like a nervous mother. He was nagging me about my finger placement and how I was holding it and just being aggravating to the point that I growled at him and gave it back. I swear he breathed a sigh of relief and petted it. Im willing to be he has named it, he sleeps with it next to his bed and spends hours with it in his room practicing and in fact, I heard the opening chords to "Wake Me Up When September Ends" last night and I thought it was on the computer, but it was HIM! Hes trying to force himself to read music, but he plays by ear really well, and he gets that from me. I cant read music to save my life, but I used to be able to hear a tune through once or twice and watch someone play it and then play it back, in fact, that is how I took 1st chair trumpet so fast in band.Our band director played trumpet and I watched him constantly until I told him I wanted to try it. Hopefully son will keep up with his playing. I got him all guitar related things, and for his birthday dinner I got to thinking about it and I cant afford to take all of us out and since he is a young man now I asked if he would like to take his girlfriend out to a lunch date at a nice restaurant. He was floored. I just thought I have to acknowledge that I see him as a young man with a separate life and that perhaps he would rather enjoy some time with her and we could have dinner at home together later. He about strangled me with the hug, so I think that was a 'Yes!".

He finally shaved yesterday. He had a full beard and mustache and daughter was making fun of him by calling him 'Werewolf boy" to his face...soo not cool. I may call him that, but I try to not call him that to his face, unless of course he leaves a pile of hair in the bathroom for me to be traumatized by when I pick up a towel.

Soo, back to birthdays, I have to go out in the rain today and buy b-day cards like some people buy Christmas cards. Of course with you gone and Gpa gone and dad and I dont really have much to say to each other, it makes it a little less to worry about, but I wish you were here, we would be making our own. I still have the one you sent me that year that had a giant BOO on the front with "did I scare you" written on the inside, in fact, I have all the letters and cards you ever sent me as well as the cards grandma and granpa sent me. I keep stuff like that and I am glad, its all I have left of you guys.

Dear Roger; Distance

Ive been a bit of a recluse again lately. I dont know why, I just tend to do this from time to time. I just elect to take a time out and withdraw from things. I haven't done any sketching or even too much writing on my main story, but I think that is because the memories of him were a bit more raw than I was willing to admit to myself. Nothing like having your heart ripped apart slowly over and over again over the course of a decade or more to leave a lasting scar. I haven't even spoken to family lately other than the two that live with me. Son has been okay to deal with. He is pretty excited about turning 15, though I dont know why. He is in another growth spurt and I am just about ready to pull my own hair out. He walked into the kitchen the other day and said," Mom, I think I need a new shirt." and then he showed me the shirt he was wearing, one that I had bought him back in June just before we left Arizona, his wrists hung out more than 3 inches and when he stretched his arms over his head, it gapped well above his fuzzy belly. He also needs a new razor because he got told to shave since he was rocking a beard and mustache. Its pretty bad that my not quite 15 year old son can grow fuller facial hair than some 25 year old men, and I am just floored that he looks so damn mature. He gave me quite a pause yesterday morning when we were in the kitchen joking around as he was eating half a bag of bagels for breakfast. He turned to laugh at me about something and just as he turned,I swear to God it was like a ghost was standing there. The same stance, the same smile, the same way the eyes crinkled up, same color hair...everything, Mike was in my kitchen. I guess I went a little pale because he grabbed my arm and said," Mom? you okay?" and it took me a minute, but yeah, I was okay. I was honest with him. I told him he looked exactly like his father in that moment and he was kinda contemplative for a moment and he said,'Well, thats a good thing in a way , right? after all, if he was able to get roles in movies, then maybe it will work out for me!" Leave it to my kid to see the bright side of things.

I think I saw my guitar yesterday for a few moments. Son has been practicing it every night for hours on end, and he sings along with it quite often too. I dont complain unless its a particularly whiney or emo piece because then that sets into motion a spiral of being bummed out that we all dont need, so we try to keep it light and happy around here. Last night was a bit of a failure in that department as I found myself lost in memories, but we snapped out of it later in the evening and everyone perked up. Daughter is great for that, she usually engages in some form of monkey related madness that we just cant help to laugh at and it helps to keep it all light. The poor cat is the usual victim of her craziness and she drags him and her stuffed monkey around the house like a couple of rag dolls.

My sis gets her surgery today. I am worried about her, but its for the best for her. I just hope she gets to recover like she is supposed to . She is just as much of a control freak as I am and I have no doubt she will try to be up and around taking care of things that she doesn't trust others to do right, the very same day. I haven't spoken to anyone back home in Texas in a couple of weeks. I really just dont have much to say and vice versa. My niece is on Facebook quite a bit and she sends me updates that let me know whats going on with folks and how the weather is and stuff, but since I am not willing to move back home, I am just kinda out of sight, out of mind. I do miss Texas, but the Texas I grew up in is gone. When I went back there a few years ago, so much had changed it made me crazy and a little depressed. The West End was all touristy and Deep Ellum was all yuppified. It felt violated. The grungy lil clubs I partied in are all respectable now and there aren't any wandering punks in those places, the cops in golf shirts on bicycles taze them and haul them off. I cant even imagine what Houston is like now since the hurricane hit. Austin would be the only place I would even remotely consider, but even it has changed and gotten expensive and strip malled. I used to wander back and forth across that state with no worries, sleeping in my car when I got tired of driving, visiting kin in little hick towns in West Texas, just wandering around trying to decide where I wanted to be, but it just doesn't feel the same and I think its more me than anything else that has changed. I cant find home within myself, so I damn sure cant find it within a place. Daughter told me she missed Arizona and it felt like my heart died just a little. I asked her if she wanted to go back to Flagstaff and to her father and she practically yelled at me, "NO! I just miss my brothers and Fergus, but I dont want to go back there." I dont think me or son had drawn a breath the entire time we waited for her to answer my question, because I have given her the right to make that decision, even if it breaks my heart.

Dear Roger; Issues of Faith

Well the light of a new day has shown things in a little brighter light, if you can call my bank account looking like a bomb hit it a brighter light. Amazingly, the charges were allowed to go through by my bank, but now I am in a hole that would take a ladder to get up out of. I am thankful that daughters presents will come through, but now I am stressed about paying bills next month if I cant find another job before then or if the ex doesn't make it right with the account. Its six of one, half a dozen of another as usual. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, but when I did finally pass out, I slept like the dead. Ive been doing that alot lately but I still feel tired alot. I think I am trying to hibernate or something to avoid the rest of the holidays.

My sis is having surgery on Friday. I haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks and I dont know why, we usually talk a least once a week, but since she is closer to becoming a grandma and so involved with her hubs and stuff, we just dont have so much in common. She is living her dream and I am so happy for her. Getting her breast tissue removed so she doesn't have to worry about the cancer anymore will be such a stress relief for her and hopefully she will be able to enjoy her boob job for years to come. I heard she was planning to go up to a D, though I dont know why? I have been a D since I was 12 and its a real pain in the ass to find bras and cute shirts. She was nagging me last time we talked to go in and get my biopsy done...its been a year now since I was supposed to do that, but Rog, I just am not gonna go there. Im tired. You know my theory on things, that once you find out from the damn doctors that it just seems to speed things up? Grandpa was fine until they told him the cancer was too far spread and he was dying, then dammit...he died. Uncle James was doing okay until they told him the cancer was in his kidneys and liver and then, he died. The damn doctors have done nothing for me for years except throw meds at me and do tests and stick needles in my spine and crap and I am done with all that. I am okay mostly, and I think its just better that I operate on the ,"No news is good news" theory.

Son and I have been butting heads on the whole issue of God and faith. He wants me to go to church. I try to politely decline on the basis that it is beyond my comfort zone because those people seem to have no problem with just walking up and grabbing me or touching me without asking. They stare at me and crowd me and I dont like it. I also have issues with the church music. I am a traditional hymn kinda person. I dont like this whole modern, lets have a damn band with a stadium sound system in the church , kinda set up. I like the old style hymns that came from the heart, sang from the heart with maybe a organ or a guitar as accompaniment. When I used to have faith, I went to a tiny, little wood frame church that looked like a church. It had wooden pews with a pulpit and an old minister with a bunch of old church ladies that made potlucks on special occasions. The floors of the church were wood, and it was old and traditional with trees surrounding it and a cemetery out back. Folks had been going there for their entire lives. I had to dress up to attend, no jeans were allowed. Men wore suits, I wore nice pants, but most girls wore dresses. I didn't go often but when I went it felt like church should feel. That church is gone now,the mine dug up that area for lignite and tore it down. I dont like the big McChurchs with the sound systems and people in jeans and stuff, it doesn't feel right, but then again, God and I have our issues.

When he took G in the way that he did, I quit going to church. It was hard enough to drive past that spot where he died without pausing there and being reminded. But I also couldn't reconcile the belief in a being that would take someone I cared about in such a hideous manner, so I had to take time to consider things. Then grandpa got sick...and he suffered, for months and months, in pain that not even the strongest morphine could touch. I heard mom talking to dad on the phone after she left to go help grandma. Dad wasn't particularly careful about keeping me from knowing what was going on, in fact I think he was angry that mom was gone and wanted to spread the pain. Then when grandpa finally died and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral to say goodbye...that was another step away. But I slammed the door when the night I was up on the Piggly Wiggly parking lot with my friends, drinking beer and talking and a preacher came up to testify to me and try and "Save me from corruption."I asked him why God would take two people like G and my grandpa when there was so much evil in the world, that G had been a good and kind boy who had reached out to me and been kind and my grandpa had been an honorable and hard working man who had served his country and dedicated his life to service to others? The preacher asked me," Were they in church every Sunday and paying the tithe?" I said that G was but a boy and my grandpa had to work to support his family, so they couldn't always go to church. The preacher said to me,"They are both burning in hell for their sins." Rog, that was the first time I ever punched a grown assed man in the face. I think I would have killed him if my boyfriend at the time hadn't grabbed me and thrown me in the car. I knew then that if that was what God and his minions were all about , I wanted none of it.

I have seen so much in my life. Senseless death, suffering, loss, and things that just seem to not make sense. I try to reconcile that some of it is fate, some of it is karma, some of it is just the way of the world. But getting my son to understand that faith, or lack of it, is a deeply personal thing that cannot be forced down someones throat in a church that they do not feel comfortable in, is a very difficult thing. I am not sure what I believe anymore. I do hope that there is an afterlife where I will find you and G once again. I hope that there is forgiveness and that my atonement and intentions account for something, but I dont think my faith is meant to be mediated by another person, its between me and my God. The strangest things move me. The purity of a voice singing, the beauty of a sunset, the love in the eyes of my child, small miracles that I witness from time to time, but I dont find them sitting in a chair in a McChurch, I just hope son can understand that and if he is able to find it there, I am happy for him, but its not for me.

Dear Roger; If It Aint one Damned Thing, Its Another

Well Rog, you know how I said I felt like I was living under Murphys law? Well, I think the last few days has damn sure proven that. I thought I was doing good with trying to put together a decent Christmas and birthday for the kids. I mean, its been hard being away from their siblings and friends and any other family they would care to be around, but the thought of having a crappy Christmas on top of it was killing my soul, so I was budgeting so damn carefully. I scored the guitar and that was a family present that has lit a fire in my boy like nothing else, so that has made his birthday. I had ordered sis her dvd and a pair of sunglasses to replace the sunglasses her brother had stepped on, and I had even ordered him a pair and yea, I had ordered myself a hoodie to replace the t-shirt I had given to a girl that was absolutely dying for a t-shirt. I had most of the bills handled with some creative juggling and was trying to pick up a few extra hours to give us a few lil things we could send to the boys in case the ex failed once again, but then...the domino effect hit me. Ex calls and says, "Uhh, you know how when I took the van back in JULY I was supposed to get the title transferred and get insurance on it?" yeah..."Well, I didnt do that and I just got a ticket, so what do I do about it?" you are going to have to pay it and get the insurance on and get the damn title transferred and pay the fees for that " Well, I am going to have to have help, because I already spent most of my money for this week." Never mind the fact he makes more money than me because he gets more hours and has a higher paying job right now, and the fact his mortgage payment is lower than my rent,(thanks to me) and if he had done what he was supposed to do MONTHS ago he wouldnt be in this situation, but NOO, instead, he went online and went to the first damn website that popped up and bought some fecking expensive insurance instead off just calling Triple AAA and adding their insurance to the policy I already had on the van. That was the first domino. Then, the things that I had ordered for sis, refunded the money they had taken out of my account, back into that same account...are you following me? You can see the coming disaster cant you? yeah...He hit that account, drained it, its now over drafted nicely. My tight budgeting does not allow for any fuck ups of his level. He is not a 100 Monkeys fan at.all. I think it has just a little bit to do with daughter telling him that she loved the lil rock star more than him, but that could be conjecture on my part. I felt like high 5'ing her when she said that and broke it off in him, after all, lil rock star made her smile and happy, didn't yell and scare the hell out of her by taking a straight razor to her momma in front of her, so anyhoo, now , daughters and mine,(but im used to it) Christmas is fragged. Im scrambling around trying to figure out what or who I could sell to come up with the funds to still get an order in in enough time for her to have it under the tree, but DAMMIT! I wish I could just close out that account, but as long as he has my boys down there, I have to have a way for them to have access to funds and such. The last domino for this evening is im getting a migraine, can feel it building and I think I am going to find a hole to crawl into for the next lil bit and just have a pity party.