Dear Roger; Traditions, Memories

Its been a pretty busy few days around here. I have been out for coffee with friends, went downtown yesterday and wandered all over the place and finally made it to Powells Books! Hell, it only took,what? a little over 6 months? I had a great time with the two gals that went with me and I look forward to having many more adventures with them. We also went to Voodoo donuts and I got a dozen donuts to bring home to the kids as a very damn rare treat. They are pretty much all gone this morning, but they were a hit last night even though son was all bitchy and snippy with me because I wouldn't promise him he could have SIXTY bucks to spend on his little girlfriends birthday in March! I dont think the boy quite gets the fact that we are freaking POOR and his girlfriend ranks very far below my baby girl who has a birthday coming up in March.

I dont know what the hell I am going to so for small daughters birthday. She wants to go to another concert, but I dont know if they are going to be touring by then, and even if they are, I dont know where the hell they will be, so I think she is going to have to make do with a t-shirt or something. I hope to have a decent job by then, and maybe I can get her something nice, like a real bed so she doesn't have to sleep on the floor anymore, but things aren't looking great in the job market around here and until we get a car, I am kinda screwed in that department.

Son and I did have a good talk the other night on the importance of traditions and maintaining the things that tie us to our heritage. He and his sister plotted together for her to be the first to say "Rabbit, Rabbit,Rabbit" on New Years, and she was tickled to death to actually do it. We talked about how my grandma would sometimes call me up out of the blue when I was living in Dallas or even Yuma, just to say it to me on the first of the month, and it was just kinda our thing. I miss that and after she had her stroke and my mother took over, that tradition died in the house, along with so many other things. We talked about other things that I do that are just part tradition and part of values that were imparted into me by my grandparents. I dont drink before noon, and I tend to think poorly of folks who do. I dont drink on Sundays. I expect men to take their hats off at the table and use their manners, including not burping,farting or blowing their noses at the table,(something my father always did and I found disgusting), I taught my son to shake hands and make eye contact and my daughter to curtsy and use her best manners. I was so put off on that snooty school when the director told my daughter that she didn't have to say ,'Sir and ma'am" that I was really glad when my son let it drop. We stand and salute or put our hands over our hearts for the flag, always. We pull to the right and turn on our headlights for a funeral procession. I do my best to watch my language in front of the elderly and small children, and I expect my son to hold the door for them, and he always does. I may be old fashioned, and we may get funny looks, but my son has girls chasing after him like nobodies business because of his manners and how he treats people, so I must be doing something right.

Im not perfect but I remember what I was taught by my grandparents, and my son commented that being well mannered and polite, makes him stand out apart from the herd at school and sometimes he gets harassed about it, but mostly he gets lots of attention from girls, so he considers it a win/win.

Texas A&M is playing lsu today and we are going to watch together. I am hoping when he sees all the tradition and honor and devotion that is around A&M, he will realize that its something he wants more than being an actor or a musician. I keep trying to tell him that he can be those things at any point in his life, but if he dedicates himself to school and works hard, he can have 4 wonderful years at a place that will leave a lasting legacy in his life worthy of passing onto his kids. I wear my A&M sweater with pride, and I wish my eldest daughter would go there, but if she wants to go to UT, I can understand that as well, the couple of years I did there were pretty good. I am just relieved that she is not going to be wasting any money in Arizona because my degree from NAU is worth less than the paper its printed on.

Dear Roger;Playing Well With Others

Well I did it! I went out yesterday and I had coffee with a couple of friends in a public place and hung out for over four hours! We laughed and talked about all the things we have in common, mostly our love of the funky little band, and those that revolve around it, music and movies. They are vastly younger than me, but I dont really relate to people my age anyway. You dont find to many 41 year olds that still want to be down in the mosh pits or racing dirt bikes or doing other things that could potentially create mayhem. We made plans to go do other things like finally, for me, go to Powells Books! We are going to go on Thursday and I am pretty damn excited about that, even though I dont have a dime to spend there. We are also going to a concert on the 31st at the Doug Fir! I have friends now to do things with that I like doing, and that is pretty damn cool.

Things are as usual around here again, kids are back in school,(THANK GOD!), I am looking for a better job, and we are flat assed broke. So its pretty much SNAFU as usual. The weather is pretty damn cold and that makes getting outside not a lot of fun, but we are coping and we have enough hats and scarves and things to outfit a small army. I'm not a big fan of the winter hats, in fact I think they make me look a little dorky, but once my ears get cold, I quit giving a damn about the dorkiness of it all and I put the frakking hat on. My son is the one that chooses to freeze on a daily basis. I bought him hoodies, beanies, a hat with ear flaps, gloves and a black wool pea coat, but all he wears is a hoodie and maybe some days his fingerless gloves. I am amazed he hasn't had something fall off.

My son has been all weird again. I dont know if him and his girlfriend are fighting or what, but hes been so damn cranky and irritable and no fun to be around. His room smells like a YMCA locker room for transients, and he shaved himself again...totally. I dont get why he does that and it drives me a little crazy. I figure that maybe that is why he is a little cranky, after all, when all that starts growing back out, it has to itch like hell, but he shaves himself totally and its just weird. He hangs out in the house in his boxers, so its not like a big secret that hes normally a hairy guy. But he came into the kitchen yesterday and it was all gone, and even his sister noticed. "You shaved your chest and belly! EWWW!" and then I noticed that even his legs were bare and I was just a bit nonplussed. First I was distressed wondering if he had swiped my razor again, and then I was wondering what would compel a boy that should be thrilled to be physically more mature than guys his age, to do that to himself? I know they are doing swimming during gym class this section, but geesh! He just grabbed his plate and disappeared into his room after snarling at us to mind our own business. I just sent him a video file of the transformation of Jackson Rathbone into the 'Amanda" character on Criminal Minds" to his gmail. I heard him open it, but then he opened the door to his room and flipped me off and said,'NOT FUNNY,MOM!" I thought it was, he likes that episode and watches it every time it comes on. Boys are weird. I just gotta say that. I love him dearly, but I just dont get him some days.

Dear Roger;Telling It Like It Was

Its been a few days since I sat down and wrote to you, and I am sorry about that, but I have been writing my ass off on quite a few other things. I have 3 stories I am working on and I signed up to contribute a story to the "Fandom Against Domestic Violence" project. I also wrote out my story and I sent it to them. My way of writing is one that people either love or hate. I tend to not waste a lot of time with flowery word or phrases, and I just throw it down in as plain of English as it went down. I think it also offends many of the English grammar Nazis out there that I am still waging my rebellion against the so called," Styles" like APA,MPA and Chicago otherwise known as formatting and writer uniformity/insanity producing strait-jacketing. I tend to throw down commas like they are errant seeds, and I write like I talk, including phrases like,"Gonna, aint, gave me a flat-assed runaway, and whop-ass", so yeah, Betas and those who aren't familiar with Southern/Texan or just me, tend to have all kinds of seizures when the get ahold of some of my work, but those who get it, really seem to like it. I dont mind writing for a niche audience, the truth of the matter is, I just write for me, and if anybody else happens to read it, well, that suits me all to hell, and if they like it and maybe take something away from it, thats even better, but I write to save myself, not to please someone. But the Domestic Violence project is a little different, its actually writing for a purpose and I took the time to lay out the entire situation and events as the went down, honestly, directly and even as painfully and unfavorably as they may have been to me. I wanted people to realize that living in that kind of life is fraught with difficult and painful decisions that do not end once the parties split up and law enforcement is no longer involved. Sometimes the pain just goes on and on, and the wounds never heal, but not everyone turns into an addict or a drunk , though its hard to resist the temptation.

I wrote it out, submitted it and then I started having the nightmares again. Fuck! I cracked a tooth the first night grinding my teeth in my sleep and my bed looked like I had wrestled with a rabid wolverine. Ive been getting by on Tylenol and hot tea, and last night was actually the first night in a few a few that I didn't have problems, so I think I am over the hump. I listened to the Monkey boys last concert via streaming video for a while and talked to friends online until I settled down and that all seemed to help quite a bit, so its all getting better.

Speaking of the band, they really seem to be hitting the big time and thats good and bad. Good that they are finally getting the recognition for being so wonderful, but bad because that kind of fame brings in the jackals that might try to change them. Already some of the things that endeared them to so many of their fans have changed, instead of their funky little way of getting around in ratty cars and a trailer that was spray painted and adorned with monkeys, they now have a tour bus. They have Mtv following them, and that is ...meh. Kinda expecting to hear that cameras wont be allowed at shows anymore if MTV gets their hooks into them too deep, and they finally have security, which to me as a former cop and always mom, is a good thing because frankly it scared the snot outta me that they just roamed about the country with no one watching their 6, but that also means a distance now...a loss of the intimacy and connections, its just inevitable. Fame is a difficult monster to control, I just hope it doesn't eat them.

School starts back tomorrow for the kids and I am actually going to get out and go have tea with some friends! I even met with a friend yesterday and it was soo damn cool. I am actually getting out and meeting people and trying to socialize and build human connections so that I dont just sit at home writing all the time, though I dont mind doing that either. I have written some more poetry and even a couple of more songs, so its not like my brain is just stagnating or something. My resolutions were to keep on trying harder, and to actually have a man to kiss this next new years eve, even if I had to go an knock on my young, gay neighbors door and give him the shock of his life, but I hope to actually meet a guy this year that I wouldn't mind kissing in the new year or who wouldn't mind me kissing them. Its been over 3 years since I have had a kiss from a man, same since anything else has gone on and I damn sure dont want to make it 4 years without some form of male contact. My ex actually had a woman interested in him. Yeah...seriously. He got asked for his phone number, they are now FB friends and talking I guess daily. She admitted to liking him for awhile. My frakking ex is more than likely gonna get some before me. What the hell is wrong with this picture?

Dear Roger; The Ends and The Beginnings

Well the year is drawing to a close for us up here. We have made it almost 6 months up here on our own in the Northwest and it hasn't always been easy, but I think we are making some progress. We all seem to laugh and smile a lot more and I am waking up more days happy to still be here rather than wishing I hadn't woke up at all. I know that is a pretty shit attitude to admit to, but when your life was like the life I was living in Arizona, its kinda the brutal reality of the situation. I contemplated giving up more than a few times, and truthfully it was the fear of what would happen to my kids that kept me around. I dont worry about my kids so much anymore. They are doing good and we have all adapted. I still am glad for the distance from my ex. We maintain a peace that is best brokered over a long distance and I do worry a bit about this summer when I am forced to venture back to Arizona as part of the custody agreement, to let him see his daughter and so I can see my sons. I can only hope that the desire to see his child will make him behave, because I know that I will.

We are hanging in here as best we can financially. Money is always tight and we are always stressed about that, but with the new year, comes hope that I will be able to find a better job that actually pays a living wage. My son talks about getting a job, but he is only 15 and that is not going to happen. He needs to be focusing on his school and his guitar and just being a kid while he still can. He is my biggest expense, but that is to be expected, after all, he is growing like a weed and eats food like its free. He has finally found a type of music that really speaks to him and the way his face lights up as he hears a new song or he gets the chords down to one of his favorite songs from Spencer Bell, is something to behold. Its like he forgets all the bad things that have happened in his life and all the abuse and pain and deprivation just flow away from him and he is transformed into a boy just digging some music that makes him smile, until he misses a finger placement on a transition,(then he cusses), but its beautiful to behold and we have both had some wonderful conversations about things and laughed quite a bit. I enjoyed the hell out of pointing out that his new favorite song has the word , "boner" in it,he actually just shrugged and said,"Well, its a dudes song mom, duh!"

My writing is going well. I know I am not getting paid for it, yet, but thats not what matters to me. What matters to me is that I am writing again. I didn't think I would ever really be able to do it, to actually put stuff out there for public consumption and possibly ridicule. My reviews have been across the board fantastic and I have been floored. I got a review this morning that left me just sitting here dumbstruck, because I have never expected to be told I had "Serious talent" and that I "brought the Southern voice to life". This person went on to say that I made them "see the characters and feel their sense of isolation and longing to be loved and accepted." This wasn't some kid writing this review, this was a grown-assed, professional, educated, Southern woman, writing this about MY writing. Rog, I swear to God I had tears in my eyes. Who would have thought that someone would be saying things like that about my writing? Im still feeling pretty damn proud and if I had a printer I would be printing it out to frame and hang on my wall. Im going to have my ex dig out some of my art prints and photography that survived the great artistic hissy fit I threw and I am going to hang them up. I guess I need to show my son that yeah, artistry runs in his blood and I won awards for it, just like you did, so hes not some weird mutant by wanting to be a musician/actor(maybe the actor part)...except for his double-jointed thumbs thing, that has got to be mutant because that is just ...ewww!

Dear Roger:Teen Boys Define Things Differently

So yesterday was fun. We have been staying home because as per normal we are broke as hell and with the weather being crap, we have no place to go on top of it, so I decided to collect on my promised Christmas present from my son of his full and unwhiney cooperation for some nice family pictures. I have told you before that getting him to wear anything other than ratty, holey jeans and vaguely objectionable t-shirts is like asking him to remove his testes? Or say like getting me in a dress? We all know how that goes... but any way, he had promised, even pinky swore that he would cooperate so I gave him advanced warning after his midday shower that I was planning on doing pictures. He kept sitting and plucking away on his guitar and talking on the computer to his friends. I got sis cleaned up and dressed, I got cleaned up and dressed, then I started asking him, nicely, to please go get dressed. He started stalling and giving me excuses. I reminded him of his promise. He went snarky on me. "Jeesh mom! Dont freak out!" I again asked nicely and tried to emphasize that we had a limited window of good lighting and time to get them done. Then he went sullen. "Just quit talking to me, Im not going to do this is you are going to keep freaking out."

Now Rog, you know I am not a freak out kinda gal. I am very level headed, talk the psycho down, keep it all mellow and smooth kinda person. I would not still be alive if I wasn't because my ex would have slit my throat that day or Mike would have shot me, its as simple as that. I do not freak out. Its just not in my nature. However, I do have a point I reach where I see red. Where I get pushed so damn far that my temper takes over my brain and I do things like charge into fights with people twice my size or I just go a little berserk, but normally its almost impossible to make me reach that point. Only the little vato gang-banger that threatened my family has seen it in the last couple of years, and after the others pulled me away from him, it was all good, because it was a valid explosion. But apparently my teen son managed to push just the right buttons yesterday because I lost it. I didn't go after him, I didn't lay a hand on him. I did bounce my camera and glasses off the floor and I had to reset the door to my bedroom on its hinges,(at least I didn't jerk it off the frame like the one in Arizona), but I went into my room and I sat there listening to music until I calmed down, but I wanted to thrash the world around me. Now I understand why my mom used to beat the crap out of me so damn bad, teens will make you insane and she doesn't have the control I have or the training in how to manage the rage, so I was her favorite punching bag when I pushed her to that point. My son has my smart-assed attitude and sarcastic lip, but lucky for him he is a hell of a lot bigger than me and I vowed a long time ago to never be like my parents.

After I calmed down, I went back out to the living room and picked up my camera,(Canons are damn tough!)and my glasses and then I laid on the guilt. That seems to work well with him. I told him, "I dont normally freak out, raising my voice to be heard over all the commotion in the house is not freaking out, speaking sharply to you is not freaking out, what you saw there just a bit ago? That was a very mild stress out. If you had seen a full-fledged freak out of mine, things would be broken, and I would be most likely be in need of being held down. THAT is a freak out. Threaten my family, hurt my family, you get the freak out, piss me off, you just get what you saw."

I know you know what I am talking about with the whole temper thing, I remember the story about you clearing the bench at the football game that time where you took on half the damn team and it took 6 guys to hold you off. Temper much? Guess I get that from you, much like I get those little warning twinges in my chest that tell me to chill my ass out before I follow in your footsteps with a damn heart attack. So I did mellow out after that, we talked about it and I told him that he needed to realize that pictures were important to me because they are reminders of the ones we love, and sometimes when we lose the ones we love, thats all we have when the faces start to fade. I still dont have any pictures of you. Trina is supposed to go and try to swipe some from mom and dads for me. She said that they had all our family pictures just crammed in boxes under their bed, mixed up with all kinds of other crap and pictures of moms special friend "Lisa" (the chick that she wishes was her daughter instead of me), and her replacement granddaughter 'Little Jennifer", feel the resentment coming off of me there? Oh well you should, they are the ones who get the family trips to Disney Land and Hawaii and all the fun times while mine and Trina's kids get ignored. That bitch is on my parents bank accounts and all kinds of other crap. I just hope she is wanting to take care of them when they are old, because she is the favorite after all. Anyway, thus I digress, Trina said that pictures are just crammed in boxes with no rhyme or reason, so she is going to try to get me some of you and grandma and grandpa so I will have some. I finally have a picture of G, a friend was kind enough to send me one and it means so much to be able to see his face and remember him, young and vibrant and handsome. I wish he was smiling in the picture, because I remember he had the most beautiful smile, but at least I have the one picture of him to remind me that he lived, even if it was for a short time,and I loved him in only the way a girl in the throes of her very first crush could love.

So anyway, he cooperated for a little bit, though his idea of formal dress and my idea of formal dress are soo very different. I decided to just let him go with it. I had to be flexible because after all, Sis was not going to cooperate for hers at all unless Jackson was in them. Its going to be funny a decade or so from now when she out grows her crush on the young Mr.Rathbone, to show her all these pictures, including her school pictures, that have her with the stuffed monkey and remind her that she carried that thing with her almost everywhere and that it even had to be in family pictures. I will even remind her of the fit she threw when my friend refused to allow it to go to church with them. Sis had a full on melt down and had to be brought home early because she was afraid he was going to go to hell. Yeah, pictures are worth a 1000 words.

Dear Roger;I Think I Need Rehab For Adrenaline Addiction

I need the rush again. I find myself wandering through the channels on tv that have programs on them like ,"COPS" and I have been watching old sheriffs department training videos on youtube. I have been dreaming of the days when I was a cop or an EMT and I long for the days when I felt the rush of adrenaline on a pretty much daily basis. I enjoyed the thrill of the chase and the camaraderie of the team and all the excitement of either running a code or going on a call. It was always something different and the potential for danger was always there. I worked with guys and it was often a testosterone fueled environment where I was challenged to test myself and work harder and push myself to limits that even I didn't know I could meet. I miss the hanging out after, drinking beer and telling jokes and being part of a crew where I was treated as an equal because I acted as an equal. I never competed with the women because I didn't see them as my equals. So many of them that came through the departments were worried about appearances, or their hair or nails or they simply just could not hack it. I competed against guys, I worked, played, and fought with guys and I miss them. So many of them have moved on, left the fields we worked in, or even sadly died. Sometimes it feels like the best part of what is me has died. There is just no excitement or adrenaline in my life except for the small thrill I get when I finish a new chapter and post it or I see that I had over a thousand hits in a day on my stories, but beyond that, there is nothing. I miss the rush I used to get when I would have to get up and give a speech or presentation in front of an auditorium full of people. The last crowd I gave a speech to was over 350 people and I spoke for over 5 minutes which felt like forever, and got a standing ovation. I wish I hadn't gone so off the cuff with the speech, because it killed and I would have liked to have been able to use it again. It wasn't the same as kicking in a door and chasing after drug dealers, but it was still pretty exciting. I am going to try to get back into EMS once the damn holidays are finally over, I have to feed that beast because just sitting in an office would be slow death and there aren't many other options for me to feel the rush. I have quit drinking coffee for now, quit smoking for now, I couldn't get laid if I fell out of a chickens ass,I dont have a car so I cant go driving fast to scratch the itch, and I dont have a place to go shooting. Im like a walking bundle of tension and if I dont do something about it soon, something is going to explode and I have a feeling it just might be my head.

Dear Roger: "Queen of Negotiations?" I know you would say more like,"Bullshit Artist"

Its been a bit of a heady morning. Its pouring freaking rain, the kids are driving each other crazy and to top it off, the internet and cable and all that connects us to the world got cut off. They tend to do that when you dont pay the damn bill. But, you know when you live on less money in a month than most normal people make in a week, sometimes you have to make tough choices, but what really sucked is I was like 3 days away from having the money in the account to cover the damn bill! Arrgh! Soo when daughter started freaking out and rolling around on the floor chewing on her foot because we are trapped in here due to the buckets of rain that are falling out of the sky, and we have no car and no where to go and no money, and she doesn't even have a coloring book right now, I decided to take a chance and see if they would negotiate with me. Of course I got a woman of color, and so I just laid it out to her, told her the entire situation and I could hear the ,"Bitch you KNOW you can afford this shit" in her voice, but I kept sweet talking and negotiating with her and she finally said,"Alright! let me see what I can do!" 2 minutes later it came on. Dont know for how long, but hopefully until its a little closer to the time when I can actually pay the damn bill. Damn I am tired of being this fucking broke. I worked, volunteered, served and destroyed my body in public service and I have an education and degree and all kinds of abilities, but I just cant seem to find anything. I have always been able to talk myself out of a situation. I think that is how I kept the ex from just slitting my throat that day. I was doing some fast talking and I dont even remember what all I said, but it must have been the right things, because instead of following thorough and pushing the blade harder, he eased it off. I have been able to talk way bigger people than me into handcuffs when I was a cop, and all kinds of people into all kinds of things when I was a medic, so it has served me well, though sometimes it fails or I encounter someone who is immune to my bullshit artistry. I should have followed through and become a lawyer, I would probably at least be able to pay some bills on time by now.

We got sis's 100 Monkeys dvd yesterday and it was the sunshine in our rainy day once again. We sat huddled on the couch around my sons computer because its the only thing we have that will play a dvd, and we watched enraptured. I was stunned when it opened. I could not have asked for a more perfect beginning for my baby girls Christmas present than for that dvd to open with the concert at the Voodoo donuts, complete with her smiling face in the crowd and the first song being her favorite song,"Shy Water". She squealed and went hopping around the room freaking out and I burst into tears,(yeah, I went totally freaking girly) I swear to God I wish I could have hugged the necks of everyone of those boys right then because that was just soo damn perfect. Son was even choked up as he said,"Thats soo cool". I still get choked up telling folks about it. Daughter was ecstatic about the video and we sat and watched it and laughed so damn hard at some of the silliness. It was a perfect end to our holiday and will be treasured for many years to come. It was another perfect day of sunshine for us courtesy of a bunch of ragtag monkeys.