Dear Roger; Thinking About A Boy

Ive been writing on a new series of stories. I went ahead and "Fic'd" them, meaning that I gave them names of characters from the Twi series to get the stories some visibility, but they are based on me and my best friend from when I was a kid. He made my life bearable and I miss him constantly.

I plan to publish about one new story a month.

These stories are dedicated to the friends we make that leave a mark on our soul.

The Face In The Rearview Mirror

Shh! "If you don't shut up they are gonna hear you, stupid head and that's gonna ruin it, now be quiet til we are a little closer!" I swear, trying to sneak up on anything with him was pretty near impossible. He may be a boy, but sometimes he could be a chickenhearted boy, and not very much like Wild Bill at all, even though he always insisted he had to be Wild Bill and I had to be Calamity Jane because he was a boy and I was a girl, didn't matter that I was a better and a faster shot than him, or that I could wrassle him down and make him cry uncle by giving him Indian burns and noogies, nah…he was a boy and had curly hair like my hero so he insisted that he got to be him and I thought that sucked. We belly crawled forward a little further, keeping watchful eyes for fire ant mounds and snakes, as well as sign that we had been spotted by our quarry, the bag of pear-apples shifted and I decided that now was as good a time as any for a snack. 'Hey, dumbass! I tossed one at his head, smacking him in the back of his curls and earning a glare from him as he picked it up and threatened to throw it back at me. "Uhhh uhhh! I shook the bag at him, reminding him that I was vastly better armed than him, and considering that I had been found to have an 88mph pitch this past baseball season, he knew not to mess with me, because best friend or not, I would mess his butt up. We laid there in the deep grass for a few minutes, enjoying our pear-apple break, every now and then peering over the top of the grass to make sure our quarry had not moved further down the pasture out of reach.

" So, school starts next week, do you know who you have yet?" I didn't, my mom was not the most on the ball when it came to finding out things like that and in all likelihood I wouldn't have any idea who I had until I actually walked into the classrooms. " Nah, we haven't even gotten my school supplies or clothes yet. Mom took Rose last week to get her stuff but I have to wait until dads next paycheck, so she hasn't even gone by the school. I wasn't my parents priority, I knew it, Jasper knew it, and pretty much anyone who looked at me and my sister together, knew it. My sis always had the latest in fashion, the nicest of pretty much everything, and I got the leftovers, and I was the afterthought, the accident, even though I was the oldest. I tried to pretend that it didn't bother me, but it really did and Jasper knew it, his way of helping me to deal though was to throw the core from his apple-pear at my head and say, "They are on the move! Come on, we gotta step it up or they are gonna get away again," We belly crawled faster, towards our quarry, and reaching within the agreed upon distance, Jasper and I both rose to a low crouch and eased into a position so that we were able to separate two of our quarry from the rest. We raised up to standing and taking an apple-pear out of my bag I slowly began approaching my target, clucking softly and talking in what I hoped was a calm and soothing voice. The muzzle reached out and lipped the fruit off my outstretched palm, and I beamed in pride. Victory was all but assured! I reached out slowly to pat his nose and slowly reached into my bag to pull out another fruit for him. I could see that Jasper was having similar luck, we were gonna ride today! As I started to ease the bridle off my shoulder, I heard the truck approaching on the highway. Jaspers eyes met mine, surely not? We were soo close to victory! Surely with our quarry within our reach, we were not gonna have it yanked away right at the last minute? Dammit! It was.

"Hey! You damn kids get outta there!" Shit! It was Sammy and we were busted, caught dead to rights in his pasture with his prize stud horse and mares. I looked at Jasper, and breathed the one word I knew he was waiting to hear," RUN!" We didn't move suddenly until we had cleared the horses, but once we were out of the middle of them, we hauled ass like the devil himself was on our heels, and maybe he was. Sammy was known to have a bit of a temper and he carried a bullwhip in is truck, so rather than run the risk of getting a much deserved beating for getting caught riding his horses, we just ran like hell and hoped he wouldn't remember who the hell we were. We tore through the scrub oak and the briar bushes, jumping the old, broken down barbed wire fence that separated our place from the vast expanse that was the Cullen place. We ran until we reached the giant old oak with the grave underneath it, and then we climbed up and sat on our favorite branch, laughing at the craziness of our risk. "Your momma is gonna beat your ass if he goes and gripes at her" Jasper stopped laughing a minute, worry shadowing his face as he spoke. "Ahh, don't worry about it, she spends so much time in her room nowadays that she wont even bother to do anything." I tried to reassure him, but even I was a little worried. My mom was prone to explosions that he had witnessed on more than a few occasions and I had the scars to prove it.

Jaspers life was a pretty good one even though he didn't have a daddy. Considering the type of daddy I had, I figured no daddy might actually be a blessing. His mom worked at the hospital as a nurse in the emergency room, and though she could be kinda strict sometimes, she always made sure Jasper had food and clean clothes and that the house they rented was clean. My folks actually owned our house and my dad worked for the mine, supposedly a really good job that made my sister Rose all kids of stuck up, but we didn't have any of that kind of stuff. Our house was always nasty, with piles of laundry all over the place, dishes just stacked in the sink or on the counter and even the floor, and my moms animals just went wherever they felt like it. I knew I often smelled like cat pee or cigarette smoke, and I knew how to fetch a beer for my dad as soon as I was walking. Saying stuff about it just pissed my mom off and got me a slap, so I just learned to keep my mouth shut and stay our of the house as much as possible. Rose was often at friends houses, even though her room was the nicest in the house. My dad worked 12 hour shifts, and when he was home, he drank and smoked until he went to bed. I don't think we had spoken more than 10 words to each other in the past 3 years. My summers had been misery until Jasper had moved into the rent house down the road, and I knew he was going to be my best friend the moment we had met, even though the first words out of his mouth were, "Why don't you have a shirt on?"

Summer in deep East Texas is like living in a sauna. it's a kinda hot that gets amplified by the sound of cicadas and the way that the sticker burrs cling to your legs as you run through the pastures. The smell of bois d'arc trees and honey suckle hung heavy in the air and I loved to wander up the right of way picking the ripened buckeyes so I would have something to chunk at the old bull when I needed to cut through the small pasture he hung out in so I could get to my favorite fishing hole. I was walking up the old game trail, thinking about heading over to where the ruins of the old slave cabins were, to see if I could find anymore treasures laying around when I heard the sound of something moving up the trail towards me. We had put up with a roaming pack of wild dogs killing stock all summer, and not knowing if it was them or a stranger, I decided to make myself scarce by shimmying up a tree. I managed to get up the closest one and I stood on the branch, close to the trunk, waiting to see what was coming. Stupid granddaddy longlegs spiders were trying to crawl over my foot and I kicked at them, trying to keep them off of me, because even though I knew they were harmless, they were just gross and I hated way their legs tickled as they went over me. I heard more crashing, (whatever was coming had no woods sense at all), and I stilled myself and waited, watching up the trail. Before too long I saw him, and I almost laughed at loud with the glee at how much fun I knew I was gonna have with this one because it was pretty obvious he was a city slicker and had no idea the things in the woods that could mess with him.

He was a pretty boy. He was wearing a pair of fancy khaki shorts and a button up shirt. He had on sandals with socks and I almost fell outta my tree laughing at that and the craziness of wearing socks where sticker burrs ruled, much less socks with sandals. He had curly hair that was a little darker and mine and he was pale, as in the kinda pale that didn't see the sun very often. I didn't see any bandaids on his knees or scars or scrapes on him so I figured he was soft. Probably a Dallas prep school sissy boy. He wandered along with a stick in his hand, whacking at the buckeyes and knocking them off the bushes, and I could hear him muttering to himself as he approached. 'Stupid hick town out in the middle of no where! Nothing to do, nobody around! I hate it here! I want to go home!" Yup, I had called it, he was a spoiled assed city boy. I drew a buckeye outta my bag and decided on a plan of attack. If I hit him dead on, he was likely to spot me too soon and end the game, so I decided to go with the armadillo hunting technique. I was gonna attract his attention and then sneak attack from behind. He wasn't very big, so I figured I could take him and pin him easy, maybe scuff him up a little and get them clothes some hick town dirt on them.

I threw the first buckeye right in front of him, and he jumped backwards in shock from the sudden movement. When he realized it was just a buckeye, he kicked at it with his sandal and looked around to see if it had fallen out of a tree or something. I ducked behind the trunk of the tree I was standing on, waiting a few before I peeked around, to see what he was doing. He bent down to pick up the eye and I threw the next one, striking him right on top of his curly head. He jumped up like he had been shot and looked around like he was expecting a booger bear to jump out and eat him. I was trying hard to not fall out of the tree laughing as he looked all around him, so I threw another one right behind him to see if I could force him on under me so I could pounce. It worked and he started quickly walking along the trail until he was just about under my tree, and then I whipped another eye at him, striking him right in his pretty pink ear. He howled and grabbed his ear as I dropped out of the tree behind him, tackling him and taking him down to the ground, growling at him, "What are you doing in my woods city boy?" He shrieked like a girl and promptly passed out.

Oh no! I didn't mean to break him. I was just gonna scuff him up a bit, maybe make him eat some dirt, and then see if he wanted to go fishing. Boys aren't supposed to pass out! Holy Crap! I tried stuff I had seen on tv, I slapped his face, yelled, 'Hey" at him a few times, lifted his hand up over his face…nothing. He was out, and eww…he had peed his pants too. I felt horrible. I should have known he was gonna be more delicate, after all it was obvious he was a city kid and probably a rich, city kid so his folks were probably gonna have me killed or something for hurting him. I remembered I had some water in my canteen, so I thought maybe that would kill two birds with one stone! First is would wake him up, and second, if I got him all wet, he wouldn't know he peed himself! So I opened my canteen and started dumping it on him, starting with his shorts and working my way up. Sure nuf, it worked and he was coming round. He sputtered and coughed and started crying as he sat up and I squatted down in front of him, "Hey! Don't cry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you so bad, I was just messing with you. My names Bella, what's yours?" He wiped the water out of his eyes and took in his now muddied and defiantly scuffed up appearance, " Im Jasper, but why don't you have a shirt on?"

"Why didn't I have a shirt on?" Wasn't the better question why he did? It was hotter than hell at high noon outside, and it was Summer. Nobody was around, cept me, and maybe the stupid baby neighbor kids, but most likely they were in England again for their holiday or whatever they called it, and besides, they didn't play with me anyhow, so I was alone, and it was just cooler to go with out a shirt. I probably woulda gone without shorts too, but I didn't want to get worms. I wasn't wearing shoes either, but I hated wearing shoes, unless they were my boots, and since they were banned from the house for smelling so bad, I had grown to mistrust them after putting them on one morning and encountering a spider. It was just easier to wear nothing but a pair of old cutoffs. I had pockets for my pocket knife and gum, and my kit bag and canteen for everything else, I didn't need a shirt, but he looked at me so funny I kinda felt odd, like maybe I should be wearing a shirt.

'Where are you from Jasper? He was still looking at me funny and I was about to shove him back if he kept on, but he wiped the snot away from under his nose, smearing mud on his face as he did so, and he grumbled, "Houston, we just moved here a couple of days ago." Whoa! A new neighbor! Cool! " So how old are you,(I had to make sure he wasn't gonna get snaked by Rose), and if he was old enough to attract her interest, then she sure would try just to be mean. "I'm 12, how about you?" No way! He was my age too? Granted he's a bit on the soft side, and needed some toughening up, but I knew that I had just found the Butch to my Sundance.

Dear Roger:Ouch! For A Kid Whose Name Means "Lucky" in French, He Sure Has A Hard Time

Well, I think I have aged about 10 years in the past few days, and most of it is because of my son. Its not directly his fault, but rather the shit luck that he seems to have sometimes. The poor kid wants to be an actor, right? Well, you would think he would be a little more protective of his pretty face, but he seems to lead with it and he already had a nice scar on his chin that gives him an extra dimple, one on his forehead that he got when he was a baby and fell into a coffee table and split his face open, one over his eye that he got when he fell out of a bunkbed, and now, the best of all that could seemingly only happen to my son, an almost 2 inch long gash that is exactly between is eyes, onto the bridge of his nose!

He was in p.e., in the swimming pool because they were doing an aquatics block, he was minding his own business waiting for things to get set up while the teacher and another student moved the aquatics basketball hoop. Welll...something went wrong somewhere and the support for the hoop snapped and it fell, striking my son in the face. Thats right, a 2-300lb basketball hoop thingy,(pardon the technical term) fell and hit my kid in the face. So, hes got his gash in his face, a cracked nose, and a concussion. This makes his second concussion this year at this school! They called me and told me he had fallen in the pool area and that I needed to come and get him and take him to the doctor. That kinda pissed me off just a little, he should have been taken to the hospital! Hell, the first time he got a concussion during football, they sent his ass home, walking!!

Its a bit crazy that they seem a little unconcerned about kids getting bashed in the head like that. He has 5 butterfly stitches holding his face shut and will have a Harry Potterish scar to add to his collection. Perhaps he will be a character actor.

I am still dealing with my wisdom tooth issue. I finally broke and went to Urgent Care yesterday. The fact I was actually dealing with blood and obvious signs of infection and abscess, had me realizing that if I didn't do something soon, I was going to end up back in the hospital. Having a fever for a week makes me one cranky woman, and the pain that was shooting up under my eye was making me a bit psychotic. I was living on 3 year out of date Vicodin, so I knew something had to give. The doctor I saw was a bit odd, but he gave me a prescription for Keflex and oddly, and anti-fungal? I have no idea why he did that but what ever. I am taking the Keflex and I am going to research the anti-fungal before I take that. He also gave me a fresh scrip for Vicodin so maybe I wont damage my liver any more than necessary. My blood pressure was up for the first time in a long time. Normally I am freakishly low, as in 98/64 but yesterday is was cranking along at 128/88 and that freaked me out a bit because I was consciously trying to relax and I have really cut back on caffeine and all kinds of bad stuff and I work hard to stay in shape. I mean, hell! I had actually managed to get my weight up to 112, (though that was with boots and coat on), and I walk and exercise and try to stay limber. I should not have blood pressure that high. I am hoping it was just the fact I was in pain that had it so high. But anyway, I am working on getting this shit cleared up and I am trying to find someplace to get the wisdom teeth pulled so I wont have to deal with them again. My son is doing okay, though he has been a bit cranky due to the headaches. Small daughter is such a pistol, she pulled yet another tooth night before last and was very excited about it. She is such an odd kid, she just reached up and twisted it and POP, pulled the damn thing right out! She is saving up her money so she can buy the new 100 Monkeys album when it comes out,(I will buy it for her, hopefully for her birthday in March), or for a new t-shirt, but she is just fearless when it comes to that kind of stuff.

Its cold as all get out up here! I dont mind it, but I hate it when the wind blows, it seems to make the pain from my teeth worse, and that really makes me cranky.

My writing is coming along okay. I am writing an outtake from one of my main stories for the 'Fandom Against Domestic Violence" project, I am hoping the POV of the Young Rock Star will raise a few bucks for them, my muse has been a bit elusive lately because of the pain, but hes been wandering around on the periphery, so hopefully I will catch up with him later.

Dear Roger: Parental Revenge? Or Whats So Damn Funny?

My son is an,"Interesting" kid. I have said before he is a bit of a smart-ass and a he vacillitates between this weird ambisexterous masculinity that seems to delight in trying to stress me out, worrying that maybe he is taking a walk on the,'Wild side", so worrying me that he is wrapped up in this ,"Girlfriend" of his a little to much. He has some strange ideas about who and what I should be interested in, and he often tries to be just a bit on the bossy side, and even more irritating, he seems to have a bit of a problem with authority, meaning mine. Getting him to listen is often an exercise in using my best reverse psychology. If I tell him to do something directly, quite often he will do the exact opposite. Tell him to clean up his room, he seems to make it messier. Suggest he stick with practicing one song in his guitar? He practices parts of 11 or 12 of them as part of one song. I actually heard him play something that started off as "Wish you were here" that then morphed into "Smoke On the Water" and into "Beautiful More So" and then "I Got A Reason" with "What Its Like" and God knows what else thrown in. I think he did it to try and drive me crazy.

He managed to lose his Ipod, and that lead to a bit of a disagreement over the reason for why it got lost. Yeah, I probably sounded like my parents, but jeesh! They boy has no organization at all! His room looks like he walks in and flings any transient garbage he happens to pick up on the way home. His schoolwork is all over the place, dirty clothes all over and frankly...it smells. He threw a bit of a hissy fit because he couldn't find his iPod before church,(shouldn't have it in church anyway),and I told him I would look for it while he was gone. He wanted to take my ipod, and maybe I should be flattered that he thinks my taste in music is good enough that he would deign to to such a thing, but frankly, my ipod cost a lot more than his, its older and I could never replace it now, so I said no. He thew a baby fit, but he left it and stomped on out the door muttering about how,"Mean" I was and "greedy" and I am sure all kinds of other unkind comments. I searched his room when he was gone,(gag!) and even though I used to be able to find all kinds drugs and stuff that people never wanted me to find when I was a cop,(being able to think like a criminal made me really good at finding all the secret hidey holes for all kinds of stuff, plus 70%of my friends growing up were into some kind of fuckery so I learned where to hide weed and stuff in cars, which made it great for me as a cop when it came to ferreting it out. But thus I digress, I searched his room and the rest of the apartment, old school style. I found a few dollars I didn't know we had, a bunch of my movies that he was totally messing up by having them out of their cases even though he had promised he was going to put them away, some really gross underwear and socks, and his missing house key, but no ipod. He was pretty bummed out when he got home and wanted to borrow mine. I was going to decline and he knows there are things that he does that gross me out. That weird thumb thing he does, threatening to flip his eyelids inside out, just general gnarly freakishness that makes my stomach kinda flip flop...yeah, well he did that thumb thing, walking toward me. I thought about starting to discuss sex or,"Hot guys" which usually works as a repellent against him, but my teeth hurt so damn bad I just didn't have any fight in me.

He wont listen when I tell him that he needs to get organized and put his stuff in places where he can actually find it. He argues with his English teacher, and consequently, he is flunking English! How the hell does a kid with test scores OFF THE CHARTS! flunk his native language? Ill tell you how, he decides to go,"On strike" and not do the work. Jeebus! He is doing great in French, just took a state aptitude test to see where he is at in science because apparently he is annoying his science teacher with being a bit of a,'Know it all" and he is going to get bumped up a year ahead and put into chemistry a year early!I suggested he take advanced math, meaning calculus, next year to compliment it, and of course he acted as if I suggested that he cut his balls off and said,"Jeeze mom! Should I have no social life?" uhh, yeah? Hes a teen, of course I dont want him to have a social life. He is planning on taking choir and theater and French again as well as running track, so maybe he will quit football? I am afraid to say anything about it because the only way to ensure he will play is to act like I dont want him to...I think? My mother called in the midst of one of mine and my sons infamous bickering matches about what a ,"Hardass" I am about things and,"How he refuses to listen". I told my mom that he seemed to have a real problem with authority and it worried me.

Rog, she fucking laughed at me. Not a little either, she guffawed. I mean she full on busted out, had to have been rolling on the floor, gasping until she was choking, laughed at me. Then she hung up on me. I do not get what was so damn funny? Yeah, I may have had a bit of an attitude growing up, but really? Was that called for?

Dear Roger: Teeth, Or Genetics Are A Funny Thing

This has been a bitch of a week. I tend to be able to ignore most pain. I have lived with broken bones that have gone untreated, I have tended to lacerations that probably should have had stitches, and I even drove myself to the hospital to have an emergency c-section when I was trying to die, but one pain kicks my ass every damn time, and that is teeth pain. Right now my ass is getting kicked pretty hard because I have 3 very severely impacted and infected wisdom teeth. I have a bit of a dentist phobia because I have had some really bad experiences, and to be honest, to get me to go to the dentist I just about have to be darted like a rogue grizzly and drug in restrained and blindfolded. Add into the phobia the fact that I dont have dental insurance or the money to get anything done about my problem, and you have the perfect storm of a hell of a problem. I have been running a fever for more than 3 days now, I have had to drain one abscess already, and the infection is making my face puffy and hot. Im living on Tylenol, Motrin and some old Vicodin that I have. I feel like I am the only 41 year old in the world dealing with this, but my mother called last night to make sure I was still breathing and she tells me that this issue is a family thing courtesy of her side of the family. It seems that weird teeth issues run in her side of the family. Great! I had problems with my teeth breaking when I was a kid, and now my wisdom teeth deciding to surface in my 40's, already bad and broken, is just the bit of fun I needed. Its not fair really, I had just been to the dentist before I left Flag, I had gotten my teeth cleaned and my front teeth had been smoothed and polished and I have one of those high dollar sonicare brushes that I use religiously along with expensive toothpaste, but its all been for naught. Im still suffering like I am a tweeker with a cotton candy habit. I dont know what I am going to do about it. I know the risks of having this kind of problem untreated, and I know I am as cranky as a grizzly with hemorrhoids, but I am just out of options at the moment. I cant afford to get them removed,and frankly the videos I have seen on the internet of it being done leave me thinking that perhaps there is just not enough sedation in the world to make me voluntarily walk into someplace that was going to do that to me.

Our family does have some interesting genetic anomalies going on, and the teeth is the least of it.I was the first in the family to have a child with a full on genetic disability and that really doesn't count, because that is often linked to many other things. But the weird curly cowlick on the back of the head, runs in family, the thumbs that can bend back til they touch the wrists is pretty common on your side, and my son has that in spades,(a little on the gross side to see your kid able to do that), blue and green eyes when there should be brown eyes, the artistic abilities and temperament that runs strong, the inability to handle alcohol,(but the desire to drink it), freckles, and probably the temper are just a few of the things I can think of. Its a blessing and a curse in some ways, and its odd to see some of the characteristics pop up our kids. I see both you and my cousin Robert in my eldest son, along with his biological father. My youngest daughter looks like me when I was her age but she acts like my sister. My middle two sons are hard to read, though Stubby is a lot like me in temperament. My kids are lucky, at least they all seem to have decent teeth, though braces are probably in the future of at least a couple of them.

Dear Roger; Traditions, Memories

Its been a pretty busy few days around here. I have been out for coffee with friends, went downtown yesterday and wandered all over the place and finally made it to Powells Books! Hell, it only took,what? a little over 6 months? I had a great time with the two gals that went with me and I look forward to having many more adventures with them. We also went to Voodoo donuts and I got a dozen donuts to bring home to the kids as a very damn rare treat. They are pretty much all gone this morning, but they were a hit last night even though son was all bitchy and snippy with me because I wouldn't promise him he could have SIXTY bucks to spend on his little girlfriends birthday in March! I dont think the boy quite gets the fact that we are freaking POOR and his girlfriend ranks very far below my baby girl who has a birthday coming up in March.

I dont know what the hell I am going to so for small daughters birthday. She wants to go to another concert, but I dont know if they are going to be touring by then, and even if they are, I dont know where the hell they will be, so I think she is going to have to make do with a t-shirt or something. I hope to have a decent job by then, and maybe I can get her something nice, like a real bed so she doesn't have to sleep on the floor anymore, but things aren't looking great in the job market around here and until we get a car, I am kinda screwed in that department.

Son and I did have a good talk the other night on the importance of traditions and maintaining the things that tie us to our heritage. He and his sister plotted together for her to be the first to say "Rabbit, Rabbit,Rabbit" on New Years, and she was tickled to death to actually do it. We talked about how my grandma would sometimes call me up out of the blue when I was living in Dallas or even Yuma, just to say it to me on the first of the month, and it was just kinda our thing. I miss that and after she had her stroke and my mother took over, that tradition died in the house, along with so many other things. We talked about other things that I do that are just part tradition and part of values that were imparted into me by my grandparents. I dont drink before noon, and I tend to think poorly of folks who do. I dont drink on Sundays. I expect men to take their hats off at the table and use their manners, including not burping,farting or blowing their noses at the table,(something my father always did and I found disgusting), I taught my son to shake hands and make eye contact and my daughter to curtsy and use her best manners. I was so put off on that snooty school when the director told my daughter that she didn't have to say ,'Sir and ma'am" that I was really glad when my son let it drop. We stand and salute or put our hands over our hearts for the flag, always. We pull to the right and turn on our headlights for a funeral procession. I do my best to watch my language in front of the elderly and small children, and I expect my son to hold the door for them, and he always does. I may be old fashioned, and we may get funny looks, but my son has girls chasing after him like nobodies business because of his manners and how he treats people, so I must be doing something right.

Im not perfect but I remember what I was taught by my grandparents, and my son commented that being well mannered and polite, makes him stand out apart from the herd at school and sometimes he gets harassed about it, but mostly he gets lots of attention from girls, so he considers it a win/win.

Texas A&M is playing lsu today and we are going to watch together. I am hoping when he sees all the tradition and honor and devotion that is around A&M, he will realize that its something he wants more than being an actor or a musician. I keep trying to tell him that he can be those things at any point in his life, but if he dedicates himself to school and works hard, he can have 4 wonderful years at a place that will leave a lasting legacy in his life worthy of passing onto his kids. I wear my A&M sweater with pride, and I wish my eldest daughter would go there, but if she wants to go to UT, I can understand that as well, the couple of years I did there were pretty good. I am just relieved that she is not going to be wasting any money in Arizona because my degree from NAU is worth less than the paper its printed on.

Dear Roger;Playing Well With Others

Well I did it! I went out yesterday and I had coffee with a couple of friends in a public place and hung out for over four hours! We laughed and talked about all the things we have in common, mostly our love of the funky little band, and those that revolve around it, music and movies. They are vastly younger than me, but I dont really relate to people my age anyway. You dont find to many 41 year olds that still want to be down in the mosh pits or racing dirt bikes or doing other things that could potentially create mayhem. We made plans to go do other things like finally, for me, go to Powells Books! We are going to go on Thursday and I am pretty damn excited about that, even though I dont have a dime to spend there. We are also going to a concert on the 31st at the Doug Fir! I have friends now to do things with that I like doing, and that is pretty damn cool.

Things are as usual around here again, kids are back in school,(THANK GOD!), I am looking for a better job, and we are flat assed broke. So its pretty much SNAFU as usual. The weather is pretty damn cold and that makes getting outside not a lot of fun, but we are coping and we have enough hats and scarves and things to outfit a small army. I'm not a big fan of the winter hats, in fact I think they make me look a little dorky, but once my ears get cold, I quit giving a damn about the dorkiness of it all and I put the frakking hat on. My son is the one that chooses to freeze on a daily basis. I bought him hoodies, beanies, a hat with ear flaps, gloves and a black wool pea coat, but all he wears is a hoodie and maybe some days his fingerless gloves. I am amazed he hasn't had something fall off.

My son has been all weird again. I dont know if him and his girlfriend are fighting or what, but hes been so damn cranky and irritable and no fun to be around. His room smells like a YMCA locker room for transients, and he shaved himself again...totally. I dont get why he does that and it drives me a little crazy. I figure that maybe that is why he is a little cranky, after all, when all that starts growing back out, it has to itch like hell, but he shaves himself totally and its just weird. He hangs out in the house in his boxers, so its not like a big secret that hes normally a hairy guy. But he came into the kitchen yesterday and it was all gone, and even his sister noticed. "You shaved your chest and belly! EWWW!" and then I noticed that even his legs were bare and I was just a bit nonplussed. First I was distressed wondering if he had swiped my razor again, and then I was wondering what would compel a boy that should be thrilled to be physically more mature than guys his age, to do that to himself? I know they are doing swimming during gym class this section, but geesh! He just grabbed his plate and disappeared into his room after snarling at us to mind our own business. I just sent him a video file of the transformation of Jackson Rathbone into the 'Amanda" character on Criminal Minds" to his gmail. I heard him open it, but then he opened the door to his room and flipped me off and said,'NOT FUNNY,MOM!" I thought it was, he likes that episode and watches it every time it comes on. Boys are weird. I just gotta say that. I love him dearly, but I just dont get him some days.

Dear Roger;Telling It Like It Was

Its been a few days since I sat down and wrote to you, and I am sorry about that, but I have been writing my ass off on quite a few other things. I have 3 stories I am working on and I signed up to contribute a story to the "Fandom Against Domestic Violence" project. I also wrote out my story and I sent it to them. My way of writing is one that people either love or hate. I tend to not waste a lot of time with flowery word or phrases, and I just throw it down in as plain of English as it went down. I think it also offends many of the English grammar Nazis out there that I am still waging my rebellion against the so called," Styles" like APA,MPA and Chicago otherwise known as formatting and writer uniformity/insanity producing strait-jacketing. I tend to throw down commas like they are errant seeds, and I write like I talk, including phrases like,"Gonna, aint, gave me a flat-assed runaway, and whop-ass", so yeah, Betas and those who aren't familiar with Southern/Texan or just me, tend to have all kinds of seizures when the get ahold of some of my work, but those who get it, really seem to like it. I dont mind writing for a niche audience, the truth of the matter is, I just write for me, and if anybody else happens to read it, well, that suits me all to hell, and if they like it and maybe take something away from it, thats even better, but I write to save myself, not to please someone. But the Domestic Violence project is a little different, its actually writing for a purpose and I took the time to lay out the entire situation and events as the went down, honestly, directly and even as painfully and unfavorably as they may have been to me. I wanted people to realize that living in that kind of life is fraught with difficult and painful decisions that do not end once the parties split up and law enforcement is no longer involved. Sometimes the pain just goes on and on, and the wounds never heal, but not everyone turns into an addict or a drunk , though its hard to resist the temptation.

I wrote it out, submitted it and then I started having the nightmares again. Fuck! I cracked a tooth the first night grinding my teeth in my sleep and my bed looked like I had wrestled with a rabid wolverine. Ive been getting by on Tylenol and hot tea, and last night was actually the first night in a few a few that I didn't have problems, so I think I am over the hump. I listened to the Monkey boys last concert via streaming video for a while and talked to friends online until I settled down and that all seemed to help quite a bit, so its all getting better.

Speaking of the band, they really seem to be hitting the big time and thats good and bad. Good that they are finally getting the recognition for being so wonderful, but bad because that kind of fame brings in the jackals that might try to change them. Already some of the things that endeared them to so many of their fans have changed, instead of their funky little way of getting around in ratty cars and a trailer that was spray painted and adorned with monkeys, they now have a tour bus. They have Mtv following them, and that is ...meh. Kinda expecting to hear that cameras wont be allowed at shows anymore if MTV gets their hooks into them too deep, and they finally have security, which to me as a former cop and always mom, is a good thing because frankly it scared the snot outta me that they just roamed about the country with no one watching their 6, but that also means a distance now...a loss of the intimacy and connections, its just inevitable. Fame is a difficult monster to control, I just hope it doesn't eat them.

School starts back tomorrow for the kids and I am actually going to get out and go have tea with some friends! I even met with a friend yesterday and it was soo damn cool. I am actually getting out and meeting people and trying to socialize and build human connections so that I dont just sit at home writing all the time, though I dont mind doing that either. I have written some more poetry and even a couple of more songs, so its not like my brain is just stagnating or something. My resolutions were to keep on trying harder, and to actually have a man to kiss this next new years eve, even if I had to go an knock on my young, gay neighbors door and give him the shock of his life, but I hope to actually meet a guy this year that I wouldn't mind kissing in the new year or who wouldn't mind me kissing them. Its been over 3 years since I have had a kiss from a man, same since anything else has gone on and I damn sure dont want to make it 4 years without some form of male contact. My ex actually had a woman interested in him. Yeah...seriously. He got asked for his phone number, they are now FB friends and talking I guess daily. She admitted to liking him for awhile. My frakking ex is more than likely gonna get some before me. What the hell is wrong with this picture?