Dear Roger: Changing of The Guard

I've been pretty damn busy lately, between work and kids and trying to convince my pup,"Benny" that the bathroom is not where he is supposed to do his business as well, I have hardly had time to put two thoughts together in my head, much less down on my blog or for one of my books.
My muse is still pretty evasive and though he has been kicking around at the outer edges of my mind for one of my stories, the ending would be brutal and I am sure one of my friends would find it in herself to come all the way from the Carolinas just to stomp a mud hole in my ass if I finished it the way he is guiding me currently.
My kids had a pretty decent Christmas. Thank God for good friends and a gift card from my folks because my job boned me hard. I put in 93 hours this month dealing with all kinds of crazy bullshit from my stalker who is convinced I am out to get her when in all actuality I have done nothing but pretend she does not exist for the last few months, cops on the property almost every stinking week and just one fiasco after another including death threats from crazy crackheads. The one break in the month was a glorious weekend in Seattle courtesy of a wonderful friend and if there is anyway in Gods green earth possible, we will be moving there this summer. After the whole, "The company is going to monthly payroll and oh, by the way its effective now so that means you aren't getting paid all of December", thing, everyone is ready to jump ship and head for greener pastures.
Daughter is especially excited about the possibility of a move, she loved Seattle and the Capitol Hill area, she really likes my friend who lives there, so the chance to move someplace where there is a thriving art and cultural environment would be good for all of us, but mainly getting out of the suburbs and where we are now is going to be important. We love our boys that come over for Walking Dead night, and we have some great neighbors, but we have all been discussing that its maybe time for some major changes in many ways.
Stevie was on twitter the other night when her favorite boy started tweeting out a little story with visual aids. I was half-assed paying attention because I had been tumblr blogging some pics for a friend when I noticed her face looked a bit stressed so I looked at what he was doing a little more closely. Stevie asked me,"Is he being mean? Why would he be being mean? Thats not very nice." I honestly couldn't tell her. It sure looked like it initially and she put down the computer and just left the room to go read a book.
First time ever I have heard doubt in her voice when it come to him. First time I have ever seen disappointment in her eyes related to him. Shes got a very tender heart and she knows even giants can be brought down when their hearts are hurt and she was and is truly upset. I haven't really touched the subject with her again.
I'm not sure what to say as I don't know what to think and I'm honestly just pretty much done at this point. She is growing up and things that have been absent from her life for this past year are starting to fade, even her father has realized that while she is his daughter, she is a very independent and  strong girl who has a hard edge in a lot of ways and a snark to her that comes from being let down by men she looked up to, and that edge just got a little harder and sharper. She finally left her church this past month over a moral issue and I have a feeling that I am raising a child that will stand up for what she feels is right and for others, even when it breaks her own heart, that both makes me proud and scares me to death.

Dear Roger: Lucky

Yesterday was one of those days. I worked all day long in the office, screwing around building a new webpage for the company that will probably go ignored and unappreciated by the corporate schlubs, and underutilized as well by the masses, but its a sort of living when they actually pay me. It was all in all a pretty boring day of dealing with tech issues, and phone interruptions, residents needing weird crap and watching it rain as well as just generally trying to keep warm in an office that is always cold and trying to ignore the fact I needed to pee because that would have meant I would have had to log out of the computer, locked up the office and gone home due to there being no bathroom, (just not worth it), though the issue about got handled when the big boss called for some reason or another looking for my immediate supervisor and when I went to get her number out of my Iphone I managed to take the music off of mute right at the height of,"Reapers" chorus and,"Free the beast!" was blasted into his ears just before I dropped both phones. It was a great moment for me.
It would have been an average day for me except for the fact that Stickyman was off at the mall with his SPED class for the day. I am not a fan of him going to places like that without me, but then I am a control freak who thinks that no one takes care of my kid as good as I do, so I dwell and worry about him constantly when he is gone. I don't get news or radio in my office and my twitter feed there is limited, so I didn't know anything had gone down until I got home after 4pm. I walked through the door of my house and found my eldest son parked in front of the tv looking like he had seen a ghost. The news was talking about a masked gunman who had walked into the Clackamas Mall and started shooting...the mall my son and his SPED class had gone to for the day.
It didn't even register with me at first that I had walked past his backpack when I got home, all I knew is I had to see my baby and make sure he was okay. I was on the verge of a full on freak out when he came wandering into the room in his green Roca wear boxers and said,"Where the hell is my dang Ipad?WOMAN!" I grabbed him and hugged him, and yeah, I was already crying because by then we were hearing that two were dead and possibly as many as 7 injured. He didn't understand what was going on, hes pretty oblivious to most stuff like that and could care less. Hes pretty focused on his Ipad, his pipe cleaners and harassing his sister, so unless it involves those things, Sticky doesn't get involved. I'm kinda glad about that and wish I could be the same way. I spent all last night having,"Worst case scenario" nightmares.  The world is a scary place and there are days I just wish I could keep my kids wrapped up safe and secure at home. I didn't get a call from his school or anyone about what had gone on, where they were when it went down or what time they left the mall or anything. I got my kid home safe and sound and in the end that is all that matters. I don't know how Sticky would have reacted in that situation, like I said hes a fairly oblivious, lives in his own head, kinda guy. Stubby is very much a, " If there is a monster in the house I'm jumping out the window and you are on your own" excellent sense of self-preservation kind of kid. He has no plans to be a hero, but my other two kids? Those are the two who scare the hell out of me. My eldest son and my baby girl are the,"Run towards the sounds of the gunshots and see who needs rescue" kind of people and while I understand and I know where it comes from, It scares the living hell out of me. The one thing going for them is that lucky streak this family seems to have, I just hope it keeps on keeping on.

Dear Roger: Monkey Grows Up?

She finally went and did it, my baby girl went and talked me into letting her get her haircut and oh boy did she ever get it cut! She had more than a foot cut off and yeah, I stood there and cried like a baby when they did it. For her entire life I had taken care of her hair, I had made sure to give her what I had never had, a chance to have the long, flowing, curly hair that little girls should be able to enjoy. Mine had been buzzed off when I was very young because it was too much of a pain in the ass for my mother to deal with at the time and I guess it remained that way throughout my youth. I have had long hair off and on as an adult, but it just seems to be more of a pain for me to deal with because I never learned what to do with it or how to style it. I didn't want that for my daughter. Her hair reached her butt and it was curly and thick and beautiful. She was very proud to donate her hair to locks of love so a child in need of hair could hopefully use it and now she plans to go back every November 30th and donate it again. She has a very giving spirit and she has gone through her closet and sorted out all her clothes that she has outgrown and that are in good shape for donation, and she even gathered up all her toys for the less fortunate. She knows that even when things are tough for us, things could be worse.
I got pretty stressed out and angry this past week when I found out that the company I work for had decided to make the transition to monthly payroll effective THIS month of all months, and due to a clerical error, I would not be getting my November 30th paycheck, and because I am less than a 30hour a week employee and not eligible for any benefits, I am also NOT eligible for the mid-month draw, so I will not be getting a paycheck until JANUARY 2nd, so we are facing all of December with no paycheck. Yeah, the rent is paid, but as a single mom with four kids who was counting on her paycheck to buy Christmas for her kids, its really hard to not refer to the corporate office as,"Grinch Central". I just told the kids the truth, they shrugged and said,"Meh...its big business, what can you do?" Stevie wants to kick my big boss in the shins, but other than that we are a pretty much roll with the blows kind of crew. We have been there, done that and we know it could all be soo damn much worse. I just have been feeling like crud lately because Ive been sick and this didn't help matters much.
Looks like we may have a game plan to get the anemia under control and I am now on a weekly shot protocol with a nurse who apparently finds it amusing to stick Bugs Bunny bandaids on my butt. The issue is now to deal with the ongoing stomach pain and lack of appetite I have been dealing with over the past few months. It had been intermittent, and as such, I had been able to pretty much ignore it, but a little over a week ago it landed on me like a ton of bricks and it was all I could do to keep the boy from calling a damn ambulance on me. That would have been embarrassing as all hell. I fought him off with a promise I would call a doctor and go in, and eventually, when I got unbearable, I did. I have an ultrasound on Friday to see what the hell is going on. It has to suck pretty bad if I am actually taking Aleve to take the edge off because I don't take pain killers. I hope like hell they don't decide to cut on me because I don't take narcotics at all and the last time I got cut on and had to deal afterwards it was hard as hell to keep my focus and keep the pain down through meditation with kids asking me every 5 minutes,"Are you sure you don't need something?" I love them dearly, but they freak out waay to easy.
Daughter is the one I hope will be my calm voice of reason through everything. She is developing quite the attitude and strength of character and I am proud of her every single day, she can be a handful, but I can see she is no longer my baby girl, she is quite the young lady who has changed soo very, very much and come so very far.

Dear Roger: Isnt That A Shot In The Ass?

My butt hurts. Its not for any fun or particularly pervy reason, but its because I have had to start getting huge shots in the ass of B-12. I got this little bit of surprise called into me when I was headed back home from my appointment with my new PTSD counselor,(yes, its been kinda a rough month or so), and I had to voluntarily turn around and walk back to my doctors office knowing I was going to be getting a big ole shot that was going to feel like I was getting kicked in the ass by a Kentucky mule!
I did it, and I actually tried to talk the nurse into putting it in my arm, but she squeezed my arm and laughed at me saying that I didn't have enough muscle mass left in my arm for that, and in fact, I almost didn't have enough ass for the shot! I have to go back every single day this week for the same type of shot, then I have to go back once a week for a few months depending on what my blood work shows after they start me on the oral medication.
I don't have a diagnoses or know what is going on yet, my doctor was more worried about getting some kind of treatment started and getting me into counseling for my,"Profound depression." Hell, who wouldn't be bummed out if they weren't writing and were getting poked full of holes?!
Yeah, my stress level has been high and yeah, I have a habit of being brutally honest about what keeps me lingering on this particular plane of existence, and that tends to weird the medical types completely out, but I tried telling them I have at least 10 more years I have to stick around! My life is not,"Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" but I do have a few things that bring me peace and happiness, so I indulge in those when I can, I do my best to stay healthy and I am cooperating with these damn shots that are supposed to make me want to eat and that will hopefully help me get my iron levels to the point that I would at least interest a vampire.
Thanksgiving was okay, I cooked for the kids and we had a nice ham along with the fixings. My new pup, "Benny" enjoyed his first little bits of ham and rewarded me for sharing by actually using his piddle pads instead of the floor or whichever child annoyed him. Hes a very cool little pup and I am completely wrapped around his little paw. He surprised us all tonight by going and bumping the front door with his paw, and then running back and looking at me like,"Hey, dumbass!" I took him out and he did his business right away,so he seems to have copied Spencer only hes too short to reach the bells as of yet.
The dog seems to be picking up on things quicker than my oldest son, I've had to print out an application for a military school to get the point across to him that I am tired of the attitude, so hopefully he will grasp it quickly after reading all the rules and regulations of that situation. I think 5 months of military discipline in an academy setting that doesn't allow outside technology might be a real wake up call to him, I know it would be a shock to the system.

Dear Roger: Treading the Shy Waters

I am a lifelong music fan as are my children. Music is the one constant in our lives that we would choose over every other form of entertainment if we had to pick one to be left as our sole choice. We listen to it, play it and even write it and my eldest son and daughter sing it.
My eldest son has been trying to get me and my daughter to listen to new and different music in order to get us to stop mourning the loss of our favorite band. Some of it just annoys me and I often just walk away from him saying that either one of the guys is coming out with a new solo song or ill just listen to my old concert recordings, but he keeps trying because he thinks we are stuck in a rut.
I came to a realization the other day when he was playing a song for me I actually did sort of like the other day, other than the name of the band so I could find the song again, I didn't want to know anything about them. I didn't want to know their names or what they looked like and I didn't even want to know if they toured or not. I just don't want to get invested in another band emotionally ever again. I don't want to have my heart broken when they dissolve or have a hard time. I don't want to give a damn enough about them to drain my bank account so they can fund their side projects or tour. I don't want to see a recording of them performing in some bar somewhere and have my heart ache because the pain in their eyes and voice just rips my soul. I don't want to know their backstories or their families or how we have these weird little connections. I don't want my daughter to cry because she is worried about them being sad and so thin they look like they don't get enough to eat.
We have that, in spades and I just don't have it in me to go through it with anyone else and neither does my daughter. We are painfully loyal to our broken little band and its bits and pieces that are scattered about and those other fans out there reading this know what I am talking about. You try and move on, but then just when you think you are doing well, you get a little rip in your hoodie or you break your coffee cup and it feels like the world is ending. There are more than a few of us out here still wandering around and we know what it really means to be,"Lost".
I will listen to some of these new bands off and on, but the flavors just arent as sweet, the sounds not as rich and I have no idea who the players are, so I guess Im just going to sit on that porch and wait.

Dear Roger: Second Verse, Same As The First

Well, I finally let the kids nagging wear me down and I went to see a doctor. I went to a new one because I prefer a doctor that actually will talk to me instead of at me, but DAMN! I didn't expect a doctor that would take a bite out of my ass and then give me a talking to like she was twice my age instead of half of it. By the time I managed to escape I was shy about half a gallon of blood and had another damn MRI scheduled to be followed with all kinds of other unpleasant tests and then a follow up appointment all happening within a couple weeks instead of a couple of months like I am used to! I didn't even get to try to use the excuse of no transportation or poor scheduling, they had the appointments scheduled on my days off and transport arranged if I needed it.
Im not looking forward to go starting up all this crap again, but  guess I have to figure something out about why some of the things have gotten worse and why I am not writing. My vision has gone to hell. When I had my eyes checked, the optometrist said that while my eyes looked healthy, my left eye was profoundly weaker than my right, and my vision had significantly weakened since my last appointment. That is seriously NO BUENO for a writer. The left side weakness goes along with my left hand not being as strong and the fact that I limp a bit on my left side. But I get right sided cluster migraines, so that actually makes sense.
They are doing the MRI looking for changes and growth or any weirdness since the last studies and then depending on what that shows, they will proceed with the rest of the bullshit that I hate so much and dread. For someone with as many tattoos as I have you would think I would be okay with needles, but when they are going into your spine and your nerves and then have electrical impulses shot through them, well...that just kinda takes the suck fest to a whole nuther level.
It would be nice to find out why I cant gain weight and why I have no appetite or desire to write or why my tinnitus is out of control lately, but I don't expect Ill get any answers any better than I got the last go round. They give me the,'Well, we THINK it might be... or it could be..." and then they throw a ton a pills at me and tell me to come back over and over for more tests until I snap and decide life is tolerable as it was.  The reason I am going now is because I haven't been writing or eating and I cant see for shit and  that's not a good thing, its had my son worried, so I went for him, and to get him off my case and because I cant really tell an 8 from a 0 anymore or a period from a comma unless I have my screen blown up to grandma level.
I have new glasses coming in a week or so and that should help. I'm trying to get out a little to see if I can find some motivation to get me writing, but so far nada.
We got a new pup and he seems to be the one thing that keeps me busy and makes me laugh.
Benny is quite a character and for some reason he took to me and as I write this hes doing his level best to get between the keyboard and my lap so he can shove my computer off my lap. Hes already spoiled rotten and he spends most of his awake time stuffed in my jacket getting carried around like an extra kid.
Its not too cold up here yet so I have been enjoying getting out and walking around in the rain some, but there are days I long for a car so I could just get in it and drive to the coast or somewhere out of the city for just an hour or two to see if I could find my muse...its been so damn long since I have escaped.

Dear Roger: Chapter Two?

This past week fucking sucked. There is really no other classy way to put it, I sat and just dreaded what I knew was coming like a paralyzed deer watching the approach of a semi-trucks headlights. I couldnt do anything to stop it, I was powerless, the second or third best, not worth the effort, the secret that shall always remain so, and I just sat here and mourned the slow immolation of what was left of my heart. I soothed some of the pain by acquiring a puppy.
I guess I am at that age. I haven't had close physical contact,(read:SEX) in so damn long that I find myself perusing Craigslist personal ads with half a thought towards insanity.
The kids had wanted a smaller dog they could actually play with without getting bowled over or flattened completely, and the choice came between a Pug or Boston terrier and since I have always wanted a Boston, that is what we ended up with. Benny is almost exactly like having an infant. Hes up most of the night raising hell, demanding of being fed immediately and he will jump in your face and go for whatever you are eating if you don't make with the food for him fast enough. Hes completely and totally adorable and probably thinks he cant walk due to all the time he spends in peoples arms, but hes just what I needed. I don't really have time to sit around and be bummed out in the morning when I have him in his crate yelling at me to let him out and feed him as well as hurry up and take him right out to potty, all the while trying to get Spencers needs met as he follows me through the house like a giant shadow, whining and tangling himself around my legs and getting in the way of my coffee, while Benny wiggles and tries his best to either launch himself at my throat in an attempt to help me drink my coffee, or knock it down the front of my shirt in the hopes it will speed me up. Its pure insanity in the mornings now, but im not complaining, I don't have much time to sit around and feel sorry for myself or miss what I will never have again,
Work is going good and its also helping to keep me busy as hell. I find it to be a blessing and a curse. I love that it gets me out of the house and forces me to interact with people on a daily basis, I hate that it forces me to interact with people that I would rather not know existed. It has provided some interesting opportunities to observe some examples of pure psychopathy in action, the effects of long term alcoholism, and various other forms of mental illness and cultures that I would not have observed in other ways. I figure that if nothing else, I have some material for my writing when my muse finally comes back.
I hope that is soon, I actually bought a real typewriter yesterday and it was delivered last night. Its a real beauty that I still cant believe I got so cheap! Its a 1920's Royal and its in museum quality condition, with no cracks rust or missing pieces at all and it functions perfectly! Its from a local shop and even has the original dust cover from the shop. It is gorgeous and I am thrilled to have it to work with, I saw a few exactly like it but not in NEAR as good as condition as mine going for nearly $700 on Ebay, so I guess for once in my life I got a hell of a deal.
Its all about distractions and keeping busy from now on, and just never looking back. Ive always been good at giving advice to people about this kind of thing, so now I have to try it on my own, and its the hardest damn thing I have ever done.