Stress is getting to me. I took another unexpected nap in the floor yesterday and I guess I needed it. I feel tired all the time right now, but I know I dont have time to sleep. I have been working on rounding up things the boys are going to need when they finally get here, still trying to scrounge the funds to get them back up here, and dreading every time the phone rings and its my ex. I am soo damn afraid he is going to call me and tell me hes been arrested for driving on a suspended license and that the boys are going into foster care. I am just floored that he has let things get to that point in his life. I mean, I knew he was not an upstanding, achiever at all, but to sink to the level that I have to worry that my children would end up at the tender mercies of the state? It boggles the mind. I have scrounged enough money and thanks to my cousin, I have enough money to get there, but I don't have enough to get back with them. I cannot end up trapped down there with him, that would not be good at all. I was hoping to just grab and go, its not like they have a lot of things to bring with them. I am going to have to buy them pretty much everything, including shoes, once they get up here. I have seen pictures of them and for the first time in their lives, they look poor. I never allowed that when they were with me. We may have not had two dimes to rub together, but my children had nice clothes and were well tended. The only thing he makes sure of is that he has his damn can of tobacco every week at 13.00 a can. I could turn that 13.oo a week into new shoes for both boys as well as jeans and shirts, but he doesn't think that way and that is where we always differed.
He says he is going to follow them to Portland. I hope the hell not. I hope that once I get them out of there, he realizes that its actually hard to get out of there and make a change and he just goes to Virginia to live with his mother like his brother did. Im angry and stressed out and worried about my sons. My daughter is worried about them but excited that they are going to be going to the same school as her. My eldest son is trying to maintain calm in the house, but we have butted heads more than once over silly things.
The concert is Sunday and we are planning on heading down to meet up with a friend on Saturday to just try and decompress and not stress over things for a little bit. I think I need to do that so I will quit taking the unexpected naps in the floor.
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