Dear Roger: Equitable Distribution of Affection

Almost every parent who has more than one child has been accused of playing favorites. Some do and are very blatant about it, telling one child that they are the,'Smart one" and that the other is the,'Pretty one" or showering one child with fancy make up and clothes and indulgences. Its not easy to be a parent, in fact there are times it flat sucks. When you have a special needs child, they require a lot of time and energy and dedication to keep their needs met and to help them succeed so they will be able to survive in the world when you are gone. When you have boys, you have to worry about making sure they don't do the wrong things and end up in trouble or making mistakes that get them labeled as troublemakers or worse, and when you have girls, you have to worry about every dick in the world trying to take advantage of them.
I stress constantly because I have the perfect storm of children, basically all of the above. I have already screwed up with one daughter and I failed her. I was young and stupid and believed people who told me I was incapable of giving her any kind of life. I was made to feel like a loser and a wreck and I took the easy way out and I surrendered. I live with that crushing guilt every single day. I know she is doing great and I talk to her often, but I have to wonder, what if I had said,"Back the fuck off and let me breathe! I will figure this shit out. People do it every damn day!" Maybe I wouldn't have spent the next 20 years filled with self-loathing and guilt as well as a hefty dose of death wish and resentment? Its too late to think about it now, but I have 4 other kids that I have managed to do all right by so far, mostly on my own.
My eldest son is designing his own websites and writing music to go on them. Hes not on drugs or a criminal and hes never been in any kind of trouble. Hes a good looking, popular, friendly, church-going, well-adjusted, young man who has developed goals and objectives and who has people who look to him for leadership.
My special needs son is healthy, happy and functioning well above what he is supposed to be doing with his disability. Hes got friends and hes popular. Hes friendly, affectionate and a good kid that people enjoy having around.
My next son is above grade level in all subjects and though hes a short man, hes got a giant personality and sense of humor. He struggles because for his father playing him like a violin when he wants something from me, but hes doing well up here and hes healthy and for the most part happy.
My baby girl...off the charts gifted in multiple areas. She writes songs and plays and short stories on the fly and she can tell you more about monkeys and music than you want to know. She dances and sings and has been devoted to the same odd lil fella since she was barely older than 4 years old. Shes kind and compassionate, praying for everyone but herself and she worries about things beyond her ability handle. She has seen things that no child her age should have ever experienced, yet she doesn't ever let it get her down. I thought maybe she didn't remember it, but she does. She told me one day out of the blue,"I don't trust him. He hurt you with at razor in my room and I think he will do it again. I love him because I have to, but he scares me." That she said of her own father. She thinks she has to love him.
We talked about that quite a bit. I told her that love was not an obligation born of blood and familial bonds. You don't have to love someone because you are related to them. You only love those who deserve it, and someone who scares you shouldn't be someone you love.
Her father never wanted her and he treats her different that he does the boys and its really pissing me off more and more. Hes not around as much since I ran him off, but when he is around, he hardly talks to her. He gives all his attention to the boys and she is left standing there feeling like he doesn't care if she is there or not, so often she just walks away. He shushes her or tells her to be quiet and when he leaves to go get something, he rarely takes her. The boys tell her that she cant call herself by the same last name as them because she is more my kid than anything so she should have my last name. Shes okay with that. Shes actually been using my last name off and on for awhile now. I treat all the kids the same and when she gets in trouble, she goes into timeout just as fast as the boys do.
Its hard to keep a balance sometimes because she and I have things we enjoy doing together and things in common we love, so we spend time watching videos together and listening to music or whatever. She tried to get her father to watch the "Live and Kicking Too" video with her and he made it about 20 minutes before he was being an ass, yet he will sit and watch cartoons with the boys for hours. He just doesn't care to even try to have anything to share with her and she senses that and shes ready to quit trying because she knows hes not someone she could ever count on anyway.
I dont play favorites with her, I just try to make up for all the ways shes been failed by somebody else.