Dear Roger; Busy Hands Keep The Heart From Hurting

I'm very busy lately, between seeing to the needs of my four kids, my pup, Spencer and working and writing when I have a spare moment to sit down, I have not had time to dwell on the the pain that October usually brings me. Its not that I have forgotten him, but I think I have finally moved to the point in the grieving process after a couple of decades, where its more acceptance. My sister dealing with the loss of her best friend to suicide made me face the fact that I really don't have the luxury of being able to wallow in my own grief any longer. I need to be able to be strong for her.

I still mourn you, and all my family that I have lost too soon, but I have to keep moving forward and taking time for myself is something I cannot afford to do at this point. I have soo much weighing on me constantly. I am the soul support of myself and my four kids. My ex contributes nothing to us but stress.

He says he is coming to Portland in two weeks when the foreclosure on the house is a,'Done deal". He has been busily selling off everything of value out of it, (mostly my things), and that breaks my heart. He sold my mahogany mansion bed the other day. A bed that was the first piece of brand new furniture that I bought for myself with money I earned after I finished my college degree. I paid $1200 for the frame and I was very proud of it. It had a fancy mattress with a super thick memory foam topper and all kinds of fancy sheets and what not. It was my sinful luxury and he sold it for $130, for everything including some of my sheets. My custom made, oak and maple, hand inlaid side tables that the kids at the local high school made while I was the assistant teacher? Tables that would go for over $250 each? He sold for $20. I had to quit listening to him gloat after a while. He would say that he wasnt gloating, that he was mearly telling me, but he was enjoying the fact he knew he had me in tears. He thinks he won, but he didnt really. He will be homeless in 2 weeks. He has done it to himself. Who in the hell loses a home that has a payment of $572 a month? He doesnt pay child support. He never will and I know that. I have gotten the kids what they need their entire lives, and I expect to continue doing just that. My kids know I am the one who takes care of things. My daughter said that this afternoon before she left for church. "I appreciate all you do mom. I know you are the one who takes care of things for us because Ed wont." She saw me as I came in from work, filthy dirty and bone tired and more than a little bummed that my eldest son had done nothing that I had asked him to do. I had not only worked all day long, I had done 4 loads of laundry, and folded it. All I had asked him to do was finish off the two loads left and put away all the clean stuff. I had done all the dishes, and worked my ass off, he had done nothing...nada except sit on his butt and play his guitar since he got home from school,(well, that and eat),and when I called him on it, he gave me attitude and all I saw was my ex standing there blaming me for not getting all the laundry done and not working more hours. It was hard to bite my tongue and just throw the snark he threw at me, right back at him in an equal amount without taking it to a destructive level,and then I just said,"Fine...I dont know what I expected from a boy. I will just do it myself because God knows I am used to doing all the work and taking care of everything and everybody because there are no men left in the world, its the women who have to carry everything." He stood there a minute and then huffed at me and stomped into the room and put the laundry away. He still didnt get the other loads of laundry done, and I will have to try and fit that in amongst everything else tomorrow, but at least he got the point.

Training the new puppy is going well. He is pretty smart and hes healthy and growing quick. He has already learned to walk on the leash and sit as well as fetch, though actually bringing it back to me is a work in progress. Hes gotten the house breaking thing down and as long as people pay attention to him, he doesnt make any mistakes. The needle sharp puppy teeth are a bit of a drag as he prefers to taste everything and everyone, but a good, solid, nip once or twice has pretty much put a stop to him chewing on me,but the kids are still a bit squeamish about biting a dog.

Dear Roger: Dont Hump The Monkey!

So maybe getting Spencer a monkey chew toy wasn't the brightest of ideas. I thought it was cute. He liked it and he drug it around all over the house by the leg or the head, chewing on it and yes, off and on, humping it. He is a male puppy. Boys are weird, we have established that al long time ago. Daughter kept picking the monkey up and setting it out of his reach, and occasionally when he was working it over, she would make distressed noises and try to hand him his other chew toy which he doesn't much care for. When we were eating dinner the other night and Spencer was assaulting it in inappropriate ways, she asked,"What is he doing to that poor monkey?" I said that he was just wrestling with it, (after all, she is 7), but my ever helpful, watched too damn much Animal Planet, son, Stubby had to go and say, "No mom, hes trying to mate with it!" The look on her face was priceless, and everyone laughed, but she was not happy. She yelled,"Spencer! that's not appropriate at dinner time!" and then she marched over and took the monkey away from him and put it in her room. I knew things were about to get ugly last night when Stubby kept teasing her about Spencer getting bigger and ripping apart the monkey like Ferg used to rip apart his play toys, and then Stub made the fatal mistake, he said,"Im going to give him Jackson!"

No blood was drawn, and I managed to get them separated enough to prevent any serious injuries, but it was a close thing. She will do something vile to her brothers in their sleep one of these days for all the teasing and harassment they put her through, and honestly...I would have to testify on her behalf. They have been unrelenting lately and him threatening Jackson was the last straw. He got sent to bed early, and I spent a good hour talking her out of doing horrible things to him and calming her down.

Shes been in a rough spot lately. As the only girl in the house,(besides me and I dont count), she gets all the teasing and harassment. They gang up on her teasing her about her favorite fella, hiding her monkey, messing up her drawings, interrupting her skits and singing, and just attempting to make her crazy. She was like the only child for over and year, and now she is competeting with her brothers for time and attention and space as well as having to put up with all the crap they do to her. I am amazed she hasn't snapped more than she has.Some people tell me that growing up with 3 older brothers will make her tougher, I guess they have that right, but it will also make her meaner and a hell of a lot more likely to kick ass first and ask questions later, especially when a monkey is involved.

Dear Roger: Back to Over-Achieving

As if I didn't have enough to do, I have adopted a dog and I am working on training it as a therapy dog. Hes already been a much needed salve for my wounded soul, and just by having him and his goofy puppy self around, I feel happier and less stressed out for some reason. I dont know if its that new pup smell, or if if the fact that cuddling something that just listens and loves to cuddle without demanding anything is what I needed. Hes going to be a moose. Hes half Bull Mastiff, half Bloodhound and his paws are huge. Hes an odd color for that combination, (black with white markings), but I can see the underlying brown around his nose and eyes and hes got the mastiff muzzle and eyes with the hound ears and tail. Hes cute as hell and seems to be pretty damn smart. Hes already learned to lead and potty training is going well. The only accident has been on sons watch when he put him down on the rug before taking him out. Lucky it was a cheap rug from Ikea and it will wash.

He was flea ridden when I got him so before I even brought him in the house I went and bought a flea treatment and put it on him. He needs his shots and worming and a myriad of things that all pups need, and I have that scheduled for the first week of the month. I have decided to wait on the neutering until hes around 6months old, in order to give him some time to mature, the only drawback to that is that he has already spent a great deal of time humping his monkey chew toy, much to my eldest sons amusement and daughters horror.

Crate training is going well. He likes to have the space away from all the commotion and it gives me a place to put him where I know hes not eating sons guitar. I was never a fan of crating until I moved into an apartment, but I think its a great idea.

The kids have been over the moon with him. There was quite a debate over his name, and daughter got shouted down pretty quickly when she tried to suggest,"Jackson", so she was annoyed at us for a while, but my oldest son suggested Spencer, and daughter quickly supported it, and I really couldn't find anything wrong with the idea, so the new guy is named 'Spencer".

Stubby spends a lot of time in the floor, laying down next to him, talking to him, and that is what I was hoping for. Stub needs that. Sticky and the pup play all over the house and the pup seems to be really gentle with him, which is wonderful. My daughter has already asked me to build a saddle for him so her monkey,"Jackson" can ride him around. The humor is never ending around here now.

Work has kept me very busy this last week. I worked as an extra one day for a new show that is coming out this fall. It wasn't as much fun as working on Portlandia. I doubt I would do it again.

Daughter is still finishing her weeks worth of homework in less than a 1/2 hour and finding her spelling words and math to be a joke. She took a timed math test where she was supposed to complete as many as possible in 2 minutes. She took time to argue with her brother and throw a pencil, and still finished them all in 1.45 seconds. I talked to the principal about advancing her a grade or two in order to keep her from getting bored, or at least putting her in advanced English and Math classes and maybe leaving her in her class for everything else, though her art and such is also advanced for her class, he is supposed to be setting something up. Hopefully they will figure something out quick, the child has a temper and is already showing signs of frustration and boredom. If shes like this at 7, by the time she is a teen, she will be on the road to dropping out in frustration, just like I was.

My sis is still struggling with the suicide of her friend.I have tried to explain to her, that its not what she did or didn't do that would have made a difference, when the pain is that deep, its hard to pull back from that edge, you have to have some pretty deep and well set anchors and if you dont, then its easy to just take that final step off the edge. I have stood on that edge, one foot out into the space over the abyss, ready to drop and what pulled me back was a voice that said,"Mommy?" Without him I would have fallen and even then I have walked the razors edge. Self-loathing, depression, weariness of the soul, are hard things to fight. If you are alone or surrounded by friends, those things just seep into your soul and pull your down until you feel like you have nothing left. My sis is hopefully starting to understand, but suicide destroys those around it just as much as it does the person who commits it.

Dear Roger:Explaining The Seemingly Unexplainable

My sisters best friend shot and killed herself a few days ago. It was a huge shock to everyone because she seemed to have it all, a fantastic career, a good husband, and a happy life, and she was a tough chick who everyone saw as the ,'Strong one". But for some reason she saw fit to very coldly and calculatingly, lay out all her work materials so they could be returned, write letters to her husband and family, and then post a note on her front door telling her husband not to come into the house, to call the sheriffs department, and then once it was all laid out, she shot herself.

I grew up with this woman. We had fought when we were younger, made our peace as we got older and she was my sisters best friend, God mother to my nieces and nephews. I respected her as someone who really had her shit together and I counted on her to keep an eye on my sister.

When my sister called to tell me, she was understandably devastated and confused as to why her friend would do this horrible thing, but then she started telling me about what all had been going on in her life and I started to understand. The chick had always been, "The strong one, the tough one" and the person everyone looked to that would keep forging ahead when things got bad.She was the one everyone counted on to fight back the monsters and clean up the mess. She was battle weary.

Im not excusing her. But I understand her. Its scary to me though, because she had so many more reasons to keep going on and to keep fighting. Yeah, her family was just as fucked up as mine, but she had a great husband. She had a great career that she had just gotten promoted in and she never had to worry about money. I am constantly struggling and cant even afford a car. She had friends that she lunched with and went places with and regular human contact with a live man. I have a couple of friends I talk to a few times a week, and though its slowly getting better, I sometimes have gone for days on end without talking to another adult. As for contact from a man? Its been years. Pressure to perform...she was in a high stress job with demands on her time that involved peoples lives. If she didn't do what she was supposed to do and do it well, people could suffer and die. She traveled a lot and was under a lot of pressure caring for a sick family member as well. Believe it or not, that eats you more than anything else. That daily push to keep bringing in the resources to keep your world afloat, to keep everyone fed and clothed and alive, and to care for people who depend on you absolutely for everything...sometimes it leaves you nothing of yourself. The loneliness just builds and it becomes harder and harder to snap back from each loss or each stress. You begin to see yourself as a failure and as weak for not being better at what you do and you start to dwell on all the sins and mistakes of your past and you wonder about all the,"what ifs", you begin to dread the start of yet another day and another battle. Its not that you hate the people around you, its just that you hate yourself more for failing them.

It could be parents that made you feel like nothing you ever did was good enough, or peers that always seemed to be after your job and trying to stab you in the back, or that brass ring that was always just out of reach, something was missing. She had lost loved ones close to her and that takes a huge bite out of you. Not having close family connections and then losing the few that you are close to, can leave you feeling like you are adrift in the ocean with sharks underneath and nothing to cling to. Friends or family cant save you. You have to save yourself and finding a reason every morning to get up and keep breathing is sometimes the hardest thing to do. Laying in bed, thinking about how lonely it is, how much stress you have to deal with, all the demands on your day with no resolution to the problems unless you come up with them, is sometimes a horrible feeling. You dont want to face it. Even if you do have someone next to you, you can feel alone and lost, and if you are alone, its all the more difficult. Some people just have it in them to keep getting up and putting on their boots and facing the daily battle because they know its the right thing to do for the ones depending on them. She, I think, had reached a point where she believed the ones she was getting up for were okay on their own, and she was weary of facing it.

I am sad she quit. It scares me because if someone like her, who had her shit together and had it all, quits so early in the fight, then where does that leave the fuck-ups like me?

Dear Roger:Arguing for Arguings Sake and Souless Gingers?

Sometimes I have to wonder if my eldest son doesnt have a bit of a daredevil, Jackass, self-destructive streak in him? Last night was a prime example of why I have to wonder these things. He knows how his sister feels about young Jackson Rathbone, he knows that his little brother will take the other side of any argument and stubbornely and pugilistically defend it, to the point of partially destroying the house. So when he casually remarked at the dinner table after church that,'Gingers dont have souls, and Oh By the way Sis, Jackson is a ginger." I KNEW it was about to get interesting when Stubby jumped up and squawked,"You are wrong! Everyone has a soul!" Little girl fell out of her chair onto the floor clutching her monkey while her big brother grinned at me and went on eating his pizza.

I had to ask him."Why?" It had been a relatively peaceful evening. Eveyone had enjoyed church. I had enjoyed my peace and quiet at home, and I was looking forwad to sending them all to bed shortly and then going to sleep myself, but with dropping that bomb in the middle of the table, I knew it was going to be heated.

We do often engage in a family hobby of,'Defend your side." Its yet another one of the games I came up it and its a take on my days on the mock trial team from college where a topic is basically put on trial and one of the kids is the defence, another is the prosecution and I am, of course the judge. We hold a trial to see if the topic or sometimes even if the child is guilty of the offence and what the punishment should be. Its how we decided to ban video games, most tv programs, and quite a few other things. it gets the kids thinking. Daughter is really good at it and she will argue a stone to tears. Stubby is not so good at it. He tends to get angry and stomp off and throw a baby fit.

Son started presenting evidence about why he believed the aforementioned were gingers and thus souless, and I quickly disarmed daughter of the ballbat and reminded her that while wanting to defend the boy she adores and prays for daily is an honorable thing, using violence to do it is probably not the best way. I got her to start thinking up her arguements in his defense while Stubby just started getting louder and angrier. He is like a terrier. He gets wound up and angry and then wont let go of something until its dead or ripped apart, so I knew unless we got him settled or distracted quickly, it was all going to end badly. Daughter started presenting her arguments,(and subtle threats to my eldest son) and I had to say I was impressed. She will make a hell of a lawyer, (or assassin) when she is older. Son She glared at Stubby for interrupting her arguments and told him that if he didnt sit down and be quiet was going to,"Put a hurting on him" because,'Souls were at stake" and since she had been going to church longer she felt like more of an authority to handle it. At that point, Stubby stomped off to pout for a bit, and my eldest son listened to her arguments a bit longer and then tried to annoy her more by just picking on something else about her favorite boy, but she said,"You are just jealous, so I am done talking to you." and she took her monkey and left. I say she won that one. Stubby needs to work on his technique. He has always been more emotionally fragile than my other children and I try to get his older brother to see that, but its hard to know what to do. I mean do you continue to baby him and tell people to not pick on him because he will stomp off and cry, or do you work to help him become stronger and less likely to do that? Ive been struggling with that one since I got him back. Sticky tends to stay out of these, he knows they can get loud, and often boisterous, and often he is the one who contributes the topic for the trials.

Last night we also held one to ban all inappropriate tv for ALL kids in the house. My eldst son had a bad habit of watching objectionable shows when the little kids were around and even allowing them to watch. I dont allow the little kids to watch,"South Park,(though I like it)family Guy,Cleveland,American Dad, Bobs Burgers" or any of those garbage reality shows like,"Jersey Shore" and I tend to look down on people who do. So when Sticky came into the kitchen last night chanting,'DICK!" I was like,'What the HELL is going on?" Stubby dimed him off and said that they were watching,"SouthPark" with their brother and one of the characters had been saying that. Oh. Hell. NO. Big brother got in trouble,little boys got in trouble, and the edict was passed that if any small children were caught watching any of the aforementioned shows, that ALL television would be shut off for an entire MONTH.

Stubby promptly announced that it was not gingers that were souless, it was me.

Dear Roger: The Strange Parade

Soo...Batman went strolling by my front porch yesterday. It was late afternoon, he was wearing his full cape and mask and utility belt, but it looked like he had gone to seed a bit because he had a rather sizable pot gut. I dont know who he was after and I didn't ask.I just watched him walk on up the sidewalk, headed towards the center of town.

Its a constant parade of strangeness around here. A few days ago it was a short but cute guy in a ball cap and dark glasses with cowboy boots that went wandering by. He caught my attention because you rarely see anyone other than myself or Werewolf boy wearing cowboy boots around here. It mostly chucks or skater shoes. I was intrigued, so I watched him for a bit as he stood at the crosswalk and then meandered on his merry way. We have our usual guy who looks like Santa Clause on the horse,(heroin for those who dont know the parlance), he does his jittery, nervous, animated shuffle up the sidewalk, dressed for winter every day, headed to the church that hands out the free meals and showers in the mornings, and then back the opposite direction in the afternoon.

The really unusual ones make me wish I still had my Pentax camera with the telephoto lenses. The day the large, large, girl in the skin tight spandex dress with the Domme straps and boots with the wolf tail with the mohawk walked up the sidewalk leading the tall skinny boy in the shorts with the monkey head hat on...I would have like to have captured a picture of that. I dont know if they were headed to a munch or what, but props to them for being very OUT. The lady who rides the beach cruiser bicycle with the basket on it that carries the two small dogs wearing dresses while she herself wears a long flowing gown, also gets my attention because I have to wonder how the hell she rides a bike in that dress?

Its never dull on the sidewalk in front of my house. Most of the time its wandering street bums and people on their way home from work or school or the occasional lost tourist, but every now and then it looks like a scene from Portlandia.

Im sure my family just ads to the entertainment. Yesterday daughter was out front attempting to turn cartwheels and then performing her version of Tai chi, until one of her brothers came out in his boxers and started harassing her and they ended up in a brawl on the front lawn. I quickly broke it up and ushered them into the house, but that wasn't an unusual occurrence. My eldest son sits out on the porch and plays his guitar for hours on end, and the other kids either blow bubbles or perform skits that daughter has written.

I am hoping what was going on last night was a skit. She came walking through the living room leading Sticky on a leash telling him he had been a,'Bad Boy" and calling him,"Mr Snuffles". I just went back to writing and let it go because some days you just cant fight the weird.

Dear Roger: This Is The Song That Never Ends

Its been busy around here. I swear I feel like I have passed myself a few times on my way to do other things. I have worked, done all the laundry and dishes for 5 people, grocery shopped and then put away over $300 worth of groceries only to pull out some of it and cook dinner later that evening, helped with homework, done extra work at my job, picked up endless messes at the house, cleaned to cat box, cuddled upset children, talked to friends, scrubbed bathrooms,sinks, and floors, helped to turn a couple of empty apartments and walked a few miles to places I had to be for meetings and such as well as herded my brood to a park that was a good distance away. No wonder I passed out on the couch the other night and didn't hear my eldest son come in from being out at a football game with friends. He said I was on my back with my arms crossed on my chest like some,'Creepy vampire". I asked him why he didn't wake me up and send me to be and he told me he tried, but I didn't respond. I was that far gone. I guess my days of being a light sleeper are over with.

Being a referee will wear you the hell out. I think I spend more time trying to keep the mayhem under control than I do anything else. The oldest boy has the least patience with the little ones. He is soo tightly wound that its hard for him to just embrace the silliness of it all or to ignore it.I worry about him sometimes. He never seems to cut loose and just act silly and relax, and I try to remind him that things could be soo much worse. Life is stressful if you let it be, but if you just laugh, it will eventually work out somehow. We aren't that bad off. We are all fairly healthy, we are all together, and we are all reasonably sane. He tends to dwell on the things we don't have or the things he thinks we need. Yeah, a car would be nice. But we don't have one and I don't have the money to buy one and nobody is going to give us one, he needs to understand that and just move on. I have and I just work on figuring out how to function and get around without one. He never dances with the kids in the living room when we are having one of our silly dance parties, even though his baby sister begs him to, and that's sad. He says he wants to be an actor or a rock star, but I tell him that he better pull the stick out of his ass and learn to lighten up and cut loose or he will never make it. The little kids have it all figured out, most of all my little girl and Sticky. They never seem to dwell on what we don't have, and they make due. The only time I have seen Sticky stress even a little was last night when his glasses got broken. He was up past bed time, giving my eldest son a hard time, and they got into a grappling match over something and Sticky's glasses somehow got into the fray. The earpiece got snapped off right at where they connect to the eye piece. It was devastating. Everyone froze in shock and Sticky dropped to the floor in tears. "My glasses! Im blind without my glasses!" My eldest son felt terrible, I was sick and just in shock. I called the ex to see if he had or could find the spare pair I had bought last year, but he was more interested in yelling about my eldest son breaking the main pair.Lucky for us, our guardian angel saw my tweets about the catastrophe and not only sent me a link to an agency that could help us maybe get him a new pair, she also brought us by a tube of super glue at after 10:00 at night that fixed them right up! If not for her, my poor son would be going to school blind today, as it is , hes sitting here right now wearing his glasses smiling and happy to be harassing the cat before he gets dressed for school. Like I told my eldest, it all works out in the end, you just have to have hope.

Its meeting after meeting today. I have to go to an IEP for Sticky this morning and then meet with a Developmental Disabilities case manager this afternoon to see what services the state of Oregon wont be able to offer him. I hope they can at least provide some kind of decent services that will help him get prepared for an independent life, but with budget cuts and so on, I figure I am his best bet and I just continue to do what I cant to teach him. Walking anywhere with him is such an ordeal. He is like Ferdinand the bull in that he likes to stop and smell the posies, pick up sticks, sit around and look at everything, and if you annoy him he will just sit down and put the brakes on, refusing to move. He weighs over 75lbs now and its hard for me to pick him up and baby carry him when he does that, so coaxing him along is my only option. He has terribly flat feet too, so he ambles along due to that as well, making progress slow. I am dreading the rainy season and I am considering looking for a good used jog stroller, though my eldest son was horrified with the idea of his 11 year old brother riding in a stroller..I had considered a wagon, but that would be even more conspicuous. I am just going to have to find a 3rd job and work harder about getting a car.

My ex had the yard sale yesterday. He gleefully called me early in the morning to tell me that he had made over $300 selling the rest of my barn wood furniture, and my Texas star tables as well as some of my art and decor. I asked him if he was selling any of his jewelry making stuff that he rarely if ever uses and he said,"No". It was only my stuff that he sold. He made over $500 during the day and when he called me last night I asked him if he was going to help us out any. He grudgingly agreed to contribute $200, but hes planning on keeping the rest to help himself. How nice...my things being sold to help him. I just keep telling myself,"They are only things, I have my kids." I win.

Dear Roger: Off To Battle...Again

I should be getting ready to go be an extra for Portlandia today, but im not. Not because I got rejected or anything, in fact I got my email last night about when and where to report, but because I had to email them back that I couldn't work for them today due to the fact I have to deal with kid issues. Its not the kids fault, its the world at larges fault.

When I became the parent of a special needs kid, I realized just how much the world actually mistreated them. People that wouldn't dare drop the "N"bomb or call a gay person the "F" word, have no problem using the word "Retard" like its no big deal. I hear different variations on it in conversations on a pretty much daily basis, from all levels of society. I have even heard it in college classrooms. I tend to drop people that use it regularly and who know I have a kid with Downs because I think they are just attempting to start a fight with me in some passive aggressive manner.

My own family rejected my son when he was born and it was what really lead me to realize that my parents are not very nice people. I can still see my mothers face as she glared at the doctor who had saved my life and the life of my son, after I introduced her to him the one time she came to the hospital to visit when Sticky was in the NICU, and I can still hear her say,"He should have told you something was wrong so you could have done something." Done something?? Like what? It wouldn't have made a difference if I had known he had Downs, other that I would have been better educated from the get go about how fucked up the world is.

He got rejected by private preschools in Flagstaff because they,"Didn't have time or resources to deal with issues like him and because they are private they don't have to." A nice attitude for a Christian school. He is forever getting left out of things like church and such because he needs a little more supervision so he doesn't wander off, and he gets left out of play groups because he is slower and not as athletic as kids his age.

His schooling in Flagstaff was excellent for the most part. We got lucky when he was in Cromer because he had people there who loved him and who wanted what was best for him. The were friends and neighbors and his one on one aide was like the granma he has never had. She worked with him constantly and taught him skills he needed to get by in school and she prepared him to go on to the next grades.Because of her and the aides like her, he can read and do basic math and many other skills at about the 2nd grade level, which is outstanding for a kid with his disability.

He is a tiny little guy. His sister is a 2nd grader and she is taller than him even though she is 7 and he just turned 11. I had him retained in the third grade one year back in Flagstaff to give him time to catch up, and that seemed to really help, but I was shocked to find out that up here in Oregon, they have decided that he is ready to be in the 6th grade!

I was expecting him to be in the 4th grade along with his brother, his current IEP respected and honored as is the law, and for things to roll along as normal, but NOOO. The Sped people have decided to try and turf him off to a middle school self-contained program because there are no kids his age in the special class. In all my life, I never expected Oregon to be more ass backwards and repressive of the special needs student than Arizona. I mean, this state looks liberal and progressive on the outside, but then they promote warehousing of the mentally handicapped in isolated classrooms, based on age and not academic ability. My son is reading and doing basic math, but he needs almost constant supervision and direction to keep him on task with work he doesn't want to do and they tell me that he will get that in a program with the bigger kids where the ratio is 15-1 and he is most likely the smallest kid in the school?

They were feeding me this line of bullshit this last week, telling me that all the other kids at the elementary school are developmentally much younger than him and that he would be bored, but they don't know my son. Hes not a big, macho guy. Hes quiet and shy and though he loves Irish punk rock and the 100 Monkeys and he sings inappropriate songs at times and enjoys announcing his farts, hes just a little guy who also enjoys playing with his younger sister and watching cartoons. The guy who was in charge of feeding me this line of bull had a posh British accent, and I don't know if I was channeling my Scot/Irish ancestors or what, but the more he spoke in his condescending, 'We know what is best for your child" tone, the more I got angry and ready to inflict mayhem. I managed to keep it to breaking my pen, but they could see the tension and anger rolling off of me.

I am going to go over to this middle school program today and I am going to check it out and observe how they operate. If I am not satisfied they have his interests at heart, I am going to have to get an advocate and then start filing complaints with the school district and the under IDEA and get a legal advocate involved and all that fun stuff, but I wish they would just do their jobs, after all, this district spends millions of dollars teaching English to children who are not here legally, and they even but them to special programs, why should my son get any less treatment?

I would rather be working today. But instead I will be dealing with this today. Of course his father jumped right in the middle of me for it, claiming that he should have stayed in Arizona where they had a good program for him, but then I asked, "And live where, in the van?"

The schools around here are not perfect. My daughters,'Gifted" programming is pretty much her helping teach the slower kids in her class. She will probably get bored in a few years and I will be struggling to keep her from dropping out from sheer frustration. She already commented that she didn't see the point of going to school, because they "couldn't teach her anything".

It doesn't pay to be special at either end of the spectrum. The slow kids get warehoused and the gifted kids get ignored until they start getting in trouble. I am starting to look for a charter program for her or a private school that offers scholarships to gifted kids. I will keep battling for my son so he gets the tools he needs to be able to survive in the world and I will battle for my daughter so she will get the things she needs to help her fly.

Dear Roger: Dont Avada Kedavra Your Brother for Stuffing Your Monkey Down His Pants

I am a referee. That is pretty much what I spend my days doing now, when I am not playing maid, cook and counselor. My kids are back to acting like the have never been apart, so they are back to bickering and fighting and teasing each other relentlessly. Most of the time its good natured and they are just having fun, but sometimes it gets a bit heated and I have to step in and end the fighting before it gets too bloody. The one most likely to get physical is my little girl. The boys like to torment her by stealing her Jackson or by making jokes about her favorite boy, and then all hell breaks loose. I try not to micro-manage, to let them work it out on their own, but when she has Sticky down on the floor and is punching him, I have to step in and send the parties to opposite ends of the apartment.

She is tough, and a little mean. I know that, but you know what? She has been around 3 older brothers and she has had to deal with a lot in her short life. Shes a very smart kid and she keeps us all on our toes with how much she knows and is capable of. She decided to play Sodoku yesterday. I dont know how to play Sodoku. She just sat there very matter of fact, with a pen, working over the page, muttering to herself and marking until she was done. She tried to explain it to me and said,"Its soo easy and fun!" but I just kinda glazed over. She is pretty damn good at Scrabble too. She tried to get her brothers to play against her, but her oldest brother warned them that she gloats when she wins, so they refused to play that and insisted on playing cards instead.

Today is the first day of school for the kids and while I am glad they are getting back into a routine, I am also worried about her. Her teacher told me that budget cuts have killed the 'Gifted" curriculum. So that means my child, who functions several grade levels above her peers in many areas, is going to be sitting in a classroom, unchallenged. She is going to be bored and soon frustrated. She will quickly tire of getting all the little certificates that say yes, she is smart and making all "A's" and she will realize that she is the only kid in her class reading Harry Potter and understanding it, and she will ask me again,"Why do I have to go to school?" I dont know what to do. I cannot afford private school for her. I cannot even afford music or dance lessons for her. With all four kids on my own, and two jobs that are part time or off and on, I am lucky to be able to feed them. I am getting no help from the ex. He called the other day to tell me he had sold the washer and dryer, a nice, expensive, HE set that I loved for its water saving and energy saving qualities, for $500. He was thrilled and happy. I felt sick considering what they had cost less than 2 short years ago. When asked if he could send some money to help with the kids, I was told that he needed the money to,"Get Right". yeah...like that's going to happen.

Im trying to find resources for my little girl, and for her brothers to challenge them. I make sure she has all the art supplies she could ever need, and I do my best to make sure that son's guitar has new strings at least once a month, but he has never had a lesson, and she desperately wants violin lessons. The other two boys are still trying to find their niche,but Stubby seems to like music as well and has mentioned wanting to play the trumpet. I dont know how that would go over in an apartment, but I know music is a good thing and it soothes the savage beasts, and considering all the mayhem that goes on around here, that might be a good, good thing.

Dear Roger: "Get The Monkey Out of Your Pants!" and other lapses in sanity

The boys have finally stopped feeling like they are guests in their home. I know this is true because they have started teasing and harassing their sister and being the boys I know they can be. I have said,"Get the monkey out of your pants!" more times in the past week that I have said in the past couple of years, and considering that her eldest brother used to stuff her Jackson down his pants as torture for daughter on about a weekly basis,that is saying something.

I dont know where my mind was today when I went along with sons bright idea to take everyone and go to Ikea. Four kids, Ikea on a Saturday on a HOLIDAY weekend. I am lucky I didn't make the evening news. It was crowded, busy and noisy as hell and that was just my little contribution to the fray. I bought a few things to make 5 people sharing an apartment that made 2 people feel crowded, a little more comfortable and then we went looking for a few things daughter needed for school at the mall that was attached. Eldest son had plotted to have his girlfriend meet him in the Ikea, so she was with us for quite a while. I feel sure that this little outing served to forever put her off having sex and especially having kids, so I guess it was a worthwhile venture.

We didn't find daughter any good boots for school but mainly because she was more interested in scooting around the floors of the stores in her socks and enjoying the way being in socks on tile helped her to dance than us not finding any good boots. She got her new monkey backpack to go along with all her monkey related school supplies, so she counted today as a success, even if she did have to put up with Jackson getting locked in the trunk of the car we had borrowed for the day because I was tired of carrying him around and dealing with her brothers stealing him and doing crude things. Both boys already have marks from where she has tore them up in defense of her monkey, so big brother made the executive decision to lock him in the trunk.

I gave up the master bedroom. After measuring and looking at all the options, it just made more sense to let the boys have the bigger room with the extra closet. Its close living, but we are adjusting and settling in. School starts back on Tuesday for the little kids and Wednesday for big brother. I am getting more and more work and I even have a couple upcoming extra gigs that look to be happening in the next two weeks. Life is crazy and I barely have any time to myself, but I love having my sons home with me and even though im 10 times more broke that I was before they came home, we are still finding ways to have fun and the boys seem happy.

The ex called to say he had quit smoking...again, which makes me even happier that I got the boys out of there, because last time he quit smoking, we all suffered.

The musical instruments are finally starting to get used regularly. We have 2 guitars that son constantly is messing with, a violin that daughter is wanting to get started on, and enough harmonicas and penny whistles that I could start a full band. The boys are sorting out what they want to play and daughter is constantly getting them to sing with her and she is forcing them into her plays and teaching them how to pray. Listening to Sticky pray is hysterically funny. He yells at everyone to close their eyes and,'Listen up, dang it!" and he starts in with what sounds like someone speaking in tongues. He rambles on for a minute or two, unless he catches someone with their eyes open, and then he starts over after yelling at them to "Keep eyes closed! Dammit!" then he mutters and rambles on few more minutes and when he ends it he says a very loud and exuberant,'AMEN!" He stated leading the prayers after everyone complained that daughter was taking soo long with all her prayers for her favorite monkey men along with her other add ins, but I think we are beginning to rue that decision. I have given up ever eating a hot meal ever again.

Dear Roger: Lack of "Try Hard"

I just don't get it. I took my kids school clothes shopping yesterday and I was easily able to get the boys new stylish shoes,jeans so that they actually have at least 2 pairs of pants apiece,hoodies,socks,a couple of shirts and sweaters, as well as a pair of jeans for daughter, for under $200. Its been hard trying to figure out why my ex thought it was okay for his sons to not have any pants or to be wearing shoes that were rotten and falling apart, or why he didn't take care of their basic needs. I work a job that is beneath my education and ability, but you know what? Its a paycheck that keeps my kids in the things they need. I would do pretty much anything when it comes to making sure my kids are fed and clothed and housed, but he doesn't seem to grasp that concept. Sometimes as an adult you have to do without and you have to sacrifice for the good of others, especially your kids. It can be as simple as giving your daughter the last piece of chicken when she says she is hungry, even though you just walked in from work and are dead on your feet and starving yourself. Its just what a parent does. What I found down in AZ was the opposite of that. He had new boots,(2 pair), and a fresh can of tobacco for his can a week habit. He wasn't buying food for the boys because he was on foodstamps but the things he was bringing into the house for them to eat was absolute crap. If he had quit smoking, he could have spent the $13.00 a week and bought them decent shoes and some clothes, but he wouldn't sacrifice himself. I just don't understand why? Why would he not see them as coming first? He doesn't seem to have any pride at all. I know he is not a nice man, I ended up a the wrong end of his hands and his straight razor enough to know that, but why keep my sons if he wasn't going to take care of them? I try not to dwell on it or get angry, but I just got off the phone with him, finding out if he was going to have his yard sale today or not, and he got angry with me for ,'nagging". I pretty much used up every spare dime I had, as well as swapped around other things in the family budget in order to clothe children that should have had plenty of things, so I think I have a right to suggest he get off his ass and actually do something.

I managed to keep calm when I went to get my sons. I knew if I stepped out of line or argued with him at all, it would end very badly, so I just bit my tongue when I saw that the weeds were so thick that my children could not even go out in the yard. I kept my peace when I saw that he hadn't cleaned the house in what looked like months. I kept quiet when I saw that he had taken down the boys new bunk beds that I had bought them before I left, and that he had them disassembled and set aside in the,'Sale" room along with my sons guitars, much of my antiques and art as well as the boys game system that supposedly broke. I kept quiet when I saw how he had ripped decor off the walls and broke more than a few things I had put up. I just waited until he left and I video taped the filth all over the place, the dining room that looked like a tweekers nest, the back closet with the plastic sheet over the door and the paraphernalia. He had enough money for drugs, but not enough to buy shoes for his kids.

Its hard to not hate him. Destroying the house and van as well as most of my possessions that I had been unable to take left me wanting to rage and yell at first, but then the rage turned to disgust. Last year when I fled with my son and little girl, it felt like he had won. He had gotten the house, the van, all the things I had worked hard to acquire and establish for my kids, but the worst of all was that he still had my sons. I do hate that judge that said he had,'Rights" and I wish that judge had to live in that filth and deprivation with a man who did something that left my youngest son feeling the need to cringe and repeatedly say,'Im sorry" whenever it gets loud or whenever he thinks he is in trouble. My ex thinks he is coming up to Portland. He has plans to sell off everything and somehow get up here. I hope he doesn't. I don't want him anywhere near my kids again. I don't want them to have to deal with whatever situation he is going to end up in up here. I know him, if he does manage to get up here, he will find some rat hole apartment or room in the bad part of town and he will expect my sons to go live with him.My boys don't need that disruption. My daughter doesn't even know him anymore and what she knows of him makes her upset. She calls him by his name. Not,'Dad" or even father, but by his name. He let her down soo much that she found other male role models, and she is happy. I hope to make my boys happy again, but with the threat of him making it up here, they wonder how long the stability will last.

He whined at me that he wasn't going to do a yard sale on Friday because its ,'Too hard" to get set up and ready for 2 days. He whined that he couldn't take a job working in a restaurant because,"Thats beneath me and not worth my time." I've tried to get him to understand that a job is a job and that there is no shame in hard work, but there is lots of shame in hardly working. I don't get how an ex-con with a drug habit and no degree, expects to step into a job that pays top wages and is easy? He has tried scheme after scheme to make easy money, including finding some ambulance chaser to sue the poor bastard that rear ended him a few months ago in am minor traffic accident. He whined that he got whiplash and that he has suffered, but I am skeptical as is the opposing party who is fighting back. He has been sitting back, waiting to collect 20k so that he can,'Start over" , instead of getting off his ass and working for it.

I will never get any child support from him. I am resigned to that fact. He is the type that would try to take the kids just so he didn't have to pay. He has lost all his power now, and the only way he can bully me or get anything over on me is to threaten the few possessions I had to leave there. My dog is dead. Ferg died in July and I know I will never get the full truth of circumstances of his death, but I just hope that it was quick and painless. He was always nicer to animals than he was humans, so maybe I am right to hope for that.

I wanted to rage and vent and do something to deal with all the anger and rage I have at him, but it would just upset my kids and probably just make me feel worse, but I hope he cannot get up here. I hope he has to do without like my kids did. I hope he just goes and lives with his mother like his other dead-beat brother did and I hope he never darkens my door again. I made it for years, taking care of the kids on my own, making every dollar stretch enough to feed and clothe and care for my kids without his help and often having to struggle and fight and hide things just to make sure that he didn't see them and get angry at me or my kids.

Venting here is about the only outlet I have, but I am going to try and make this the last I speak of all of the anger I have towards him. I am done appeasing him because my kids will no longer suffer his ire when he hangs up the phone. I am done letting him have the power to ruin my mood or the day. I am just done with him because he is unfix-able, and not worth my time. He will probably end up back in jail, and I have no doubt he will try to gain my pity, but all he will get is my disgust at a person who expects me to fix his life when he wont even get up off his ass and try. My kids and I are free and with the help of the courts in Oregon, I hope to make sure that is how things stay.

Dear Roger: Never-Ending Weirdness

I am outnumbered and trying to keep up with all the chaos that 4 kids can inflict,is exhausting. On top of keeping a job that helps to pay a few of the bills, I am also dealing with endless meetings regarding Stickys schooling and his special needs, trying to get my other kids into the doctor for check ups and flu shots as well as making sure I keep everything straight and the house in order. Its not easy to keep the house clean. I am constantly picking up after someone, washing dishes or de-furring the bathroom, or worse! When I was getting the boys ready for their shower last night, I took the opportunity to clean the bathroom. I found pee on the back of the commode! How the hell does that happen?! Do they just stand there, hands on hips and let it flail about like an errant sprinkler? I was disgusted and disturbed. They were both potty trained and clean when I left AZ, but now it seems that they have forgotten how to do everything. I asked my oldest son to re-educate them on proper bathroom procedure, but there are days I wonder if he is even capable of it? He shaved himself again!I cleaned up enough hair to stuff a pillow for a cat. He tried to deny shaving himself, but I offered to being him the evidence and he quickly dropped his protests of innocence.

Eldest son has been a bit odd lately. He got the cowboy boots he had wanted for so long and hes been wearing them quite a bit. He likes the fact that they make him taller even though he is rapidly approaching the 6ft mark and doesn't need any help looking tall and imposing, but I don't think he appreciates his sister ripping on him so much about imitating her Jackson. I had to laugh because yeah, it really does seem like that his what is afoot, especially when he is wearing the boots with skinny jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt with his worn out brown leather belt. I just shake my head and keep my thoughts mostly to myself. There are worse people the boy could choose to imitate, and hes at least not wearing his pants hanging too far off his ass anymore and he is taking pride in his appearance. He is getting really good at the guitar,and he spends hours practicing and learning new techniques. I have heard him singing to his girlfriend again and that is pretty cute. I only hope he takes his schooling more seriously this year and pulls his grades up. Having his sister telling him that if he keeps messing up, she will soon be in the same grade as him, did seem to help motivate him a little, but he is more interested in his guitar and becoming a musician.

My daughter is dealing with all the changes the best out of all of us. She has had to put up with monkey theft and attempted stuffing of her Jackson down the pants of both little boys, but her horrified shriek and comment that since they weren't very clean and it wouldn't be 'Sanitary" helped to stop that attempt, along with the fact she tackled and threaten to pound the dust out of the offender. She has harassed her brother, Stubby in to finally picking up a book and getting serious about reading it. She rubbed his nose in the fact she is now on chapter 10 of the first Harry Potter book,and she even took to reading it aloud for him and his brother since she thought he couldn't read it. Her condescending tone fired him up and he finally got started on it. Not having free run of tv or video games has really helped to get them motivated to do other more positive things like reading or drawing and one very, very heated game of Scrabble. Stubby is a bit of a sore loser, especially when the winner is his gloating, sarcastic, baby sister. She has been a big help and good sister to her brother Sticky, she teaches little classes to him daily,and she has been getting him to count and use his words like he is supposed to , the only downside of her playing with him so much is the fact she dresses him up in dresses and last night she took a pink marker and gave him eye shadow. I would really prefer my boys wait until I am dead and gone before they begin cross-dressing, much like I would prefer to be be gone before she starts dating since I already have a strong feeling I am not going to be happy with her choices.

A good scrubbing got most of the eye shadow off, but there is still a faint tint to his eyelids and an admonishment to her that her brother has enough weird habits without adding wearing makeup to them, seemed to put a stop to that for the evening.

Having all the kids is exhausting and getting them back into the routine that I had them in previously, is going to take time and effort, but they are already doing better and they seem to cope better knowing what is expected and that I have rules just like we had a year ago. There have been lots of hugs, a few tears, and even a few fights that I have had to break up and then sentence people to time out and a lecture from me about the importance of family and working together in times of difficulty, but they seem to be getting it.

Dear Roger: Adjustments and Playing,"Whats That Smell?"

What a huge change has hit us. I knew it was going to be crazy, but trying to get everyone settled in and ready for the beginning of school has been exhausting. The boys have been allowed to basically live like monkeys the past year, and retraining them to act like civilized humans is going to take work and time.

Stubby is struggling at times to deal with all of it. I know he misses his father in spite of how they were living, but I also have sensed he is somewhat relieved. Trying to get him to understand that we dont hit or yell or call names is a work in progress. He occasionally gets over whelmed and goes on a rant, saying repeatedly,'Im Sorry" as if he is chanting. He throws temper tantrums and gets over-emotional over the smallest things, and I recognize all the symptoms of a child that has endured too much. I just wrap him up in a hug and tell him over and over that I love him and that I will fix things. As soon as the medical coverage starts, I am getting him and his brother in for a physical and I am going to get a referral to counseling for him. I think it would do him well to have someone to talk to. My eldest son has been working on teaching him guitar and I intend to find a 1/2 size of his own as soon as possible, because focusing on the music and the lessons are the things that seem to bring him peace and a smile to his face.

Sticky is doing good, but his personal grooming habits have regressed to the point that I am having to supervise him to make sure he is cleaning himself. That makes me soo angry, because before they stayed with their father, both of my boys were very adept at personal care and they actually cared how they looked and dressed. Not having any pants that fit probably made things difficult, but having to supervise my 11 y/o in the shower is not something I anticipated. My eldest son helps some, but he is over-whelmed as well. He did help teach Stubby to tie his shoes, and we are working on re-teaching Sticky to button his pants and brush his own teeth, but its going to be slow going. I keep an almost military style of order in the house, with a predictable, sane schedule and I make sure the kids have chores and places for their things so that we all don't go crazy tripping over each others stuff. Giving them some responsibility for their towels and toothbrushes as well as a place for their few toys that I was able to bring with them, helps to keep the arguing down.

Sticky is clinging to his sister like she is the guide to everything, and bless her, she has been with him. She mother-hens him more than I do, but she also involves him in her games and her reading. She tries to put a positive spin on everything and she is determined to help the boys get back in shape and Sticky back to being the happy go lucky boy we knew before he lived like a savage for a year.

I remind my eldest that he needs to be kind and patient, as well as to not raise his voice, because when anyone raises their voices, the boys flinch and try to disappear. He has been working hard to keep calm and deal with all the changes, but its not easy because he has temporarily lost his room as well as all of his privacy. He surrendered his bedroom so that two beds could be placed in there and the boys could have a place to get out of the commotion. I am looking for a loft bed, so he will not only have his own private space, but so that he will not have to sleep on the couch. There is soo much to be done, and they need soo many things, that it seems over-whelming at times. I went school supplies shopping yesterday and even though I spent over $40, I still came home without supplies for the oldest,(who also finally had to admit his old backpack was dead), but I also didn't get 1/3 of the supplies they needed because they were either sold out or I couldn't afford them.

Calling the ex does no good. He laughed and said, 'Well, you know Ill help out when I get ahead." which means NEVER, so I know I am truly on my own with everything. I have done this before though. I know I can do it and I know I will get the things they need like jeans and hoodies and a spare pair of shoes for when their others are wet, but I feel bad that it will take things away from daughter. She wants dance and music lessons so badly, she watches any show with dancing on it, imitating the moves and dragging her brothers into tangos and waltzes, as well as forcing them to do things like bow and thank the invisible crowd she is always performing for. I dont count on the schools to offer much, the budget cuts have brutalized the music and arts programs, so I am going to have to try and figure out how to make things happen on my own for her, but I think its important. It has to be easier here than it was in Flagstaff. I got all my kids through almost a decade of deprivation and poverty, and that was in a town where it was twice the cost of living of where we are now. Yes, its going to be harder because I dont have a car and Yes, its going to be more expensive because they are older, but I KNOW we are safe and that no one is spending the money I make on drugs or tools or whatever. I tell the kids that its all hands on deck and we all work together to make it happen, to make our family strong and happy again, and I know we can do it. My kids are resilient and considering what they came out of, they have to be happier with predictable meal times, a clean house and attention from not only me, but their big brother and sister, who though she is the youngest is acting in more the big sister role.

Getting the boys off soda was a bit rocky. They started caffeine withdrawal and Stickys complaints about headaches and upset stomach made me upset. I weaned them off gradually and now they dont even ask for it because they know its not happening. Healthy meals and not being able to snack on demand and not being offered food as a distraction so they leave someone alone, has already worked to help start them losing weight so they get back down to their normal sizes. Stubby has done the best with that, and at the park he was eagerly running all over behind his sister who acts like a drill sergeant running a PT program.

Sticky is perched on the end of my bed right now, he is the early bird out of all of my kids and he seems to have already decided that hes happy here. He comes in every morning, carrying the monkey that his sister gave him, and he then crawls onto the foot of my bed to perch like a demented gargoyle. He likes to watch PBS and that actually is a good thing because the shows are reinforcing his learning. He loves to listen to music so his sister and him often turn on the Ipod really early and spend a good part of the morning dancing to the 100 Monkeys and singing along. He has reclaimed his favorite song,"Reaper" and we are all respecting his demand that only he sings it. I hope next year to be able to take him to a concert and let him see them live. I know he would be amazed.

Im constantly tired, but its a good and happy tired. I have my children home and I intend to keep it that way. He fucked up. He kept them out of a petty desire to hurt me to the maximum amount, but he also ended up hurting my kids. I wish that damn judge that looked past the convictions he had for what he did to me and my oldest boy, the judge who ignored the fact that he had been in prison for two years for what he did, they judge who gave him the right to say I couldn't take all the children out of state without his permission, had to live like my children lived for the past year in a dark and disgustingly dirty house with a man who wouldn't or couldn't provide even their basic needs because he has no,"Try hard". i have enough,"Try hard" for all of us and I hope to instill some of that in my kids because God forbid they follow after the other example.

Dear Roger:Home, Without Any Blood Spilled

What a week this has been! We just arrived home last night and it was a manic,"Lets see who snaps first", party from the moment we hit the door. The boys ran through the house as we tried to unpack, seemingly frenetically trying to find the point that would make me raise my voice or snap at them. I must be getting mellow in my old age or perhaps it is just the sheer joy at having my children together, that made me just watch and referee as they worked to establish who was who in the pecking order. Daughter established right off that she may be the youngest, but she is the boss. There was a a lot of hysterical hugging and then they ran into the house where she began to show them where everything was. Stubby had to test her warning about the monkeys. I knew he would, there was no way he was going to be able to resist trying to torture her by stealing her Jackson and attempting to do something crude with it. After the tackle, takedown and punch, he realized that not only had his baby sister grown to equal his height, but she had grown in her ability to take care of herself and protect the things she loves.

She helped him up afterwards, and then she looked at him in that way that told me something really blunt was fixing to be laid down. She said,"Cole, you have gotten fat and its not a good look on you! We are going to have to fix that with exercise and a good diet, so why dont you come dance with me now?"

Stubby was a bit take aback and he said,"Its rude to call someone fat." She agreed with him but then told him that he was her brother and she could tell him the truth. She drug him and his brother into the living room and she got my eldest to dig out my ipod and put on the 100 Monkeys for them to dance to. I actually videoed some of it because it was just too precious of a moment to miss. She drug her brother, Sticky, into a dance that was a mix between a waltz, a tango and some slam dancing. This went on for about an hour as she just about forced them to get up and move. I anticipate the weight loss will progress rapidly.

The weight was the least of the things I found down there in AZ that made me so angry and upset I had a hard time holding my tongue and maintaining the polite gratitude that was needed to get through it without ending up at the wrong end of one of the throwing knives he had sitting on the counter in the dining room.

The house that I had left him with new carpet, new paint and remodeled with the lowest house payment in the entire county, fully stocked with things like 6 months worth of laundry soap and food, as well as clothing that would last the boys a year, and beyond if he got them the minor things or kept them in reasonable shape.

Driving up to the house was a huge shock. The neighborhood looks like a war zone, with concrete barricades, sand bag walls, heavy machinery rumbling through constantly as the state and county try to battle back the floods. The house was barely visible through the weeds. A thick, impenetrable jungle of goat weed had taken over the yard, and it was soo tall in places I could not be seen if I walked behind it. There was no way for the boys to go out into the back or even the front yard. He had not cut the weeds in a year. The inside of the house was what hit me the hardest. All my decorating had been literally ripped down and thrown into boxes. The house smelled terrible, a mix of cigarette/weed smoke, dog and just general filth. He had ripped the living room carpet out and had thrown it out the back door where it lay, moldering in the occasional rains. There was a layer of dust and dog hair on everything, the curtains remained drawn all day long and the house was dank and depressing. The leather furniture was beyond filthy, and I didnt even want to sit down, but when he gave me a terse,'Sit down and try not to look so disgusted." I sat and realized with a shock that I was going to have to work hard to keep my true feelings hidden unless I wanted it all to go pear shaped.

He had disassembled the boys good bunk beds and stored them in what had been Stubbys room along with their tv's and many of their toys. It was his,'For sale" room. The boys were relegated to one bedroom and one twin bed to share. Sticky slept in the bed with him back in the master bedroom. The appliances I had left, including the expensive washer and dryer, were grimy and a pile of laundry lay on the floor in front of them. The dining room was what really set me off though and made it very hard to keep my peace. There was no place for them to sit and eat. He had moved his jewelry making bench, computer and stereo system out there and had just taken over. There were no more family meals. The boys told me they ate on the floor in front of the tv. What enraged me was the chemicals and equipment within easy reach of my children. The pickling bath and acid wash were right at eye level to the boys. Sharp knives, picks and machinery were right there, nothing keeping them from getting into them. The medications were right on the counter, and there was just junk piled all over the place in what looked like a tweekers nest. The fridge contained no less than 3 cases of soda and the boys gleefully told me that they had a soda everyday, and it showed. They are both easily 20lbs overweight and had no pants that fit them. They were walking around in shorts they could not button, underwear that was stained beyond recognition and shoes that were rotten and holey. Their hair had not been cut, they are pale, and they have some disturbing behaviors. Stubby says,'Im Sorry" like its a religious mantra and he tries to shrink whenever things get tense or stressful. His tension and stress are visible in the fact that hes biting his finger again. Sticky has regressed in his reading and his self care. They alternately went from joy at leaving to tears at missing their father, though the relationship was rife with dysfunction. He sat for hours on the computer. Lights off and the house dark and quiet, he just sat there reading odd stories or trolling craigslist to see if any of the things he was trying to sell, had any hits while the boys sat in the one bedroom they were allowed in and played video games for hours on end.

I went over and talked to a neighbor I had been friendly with, to find that she was leaving and moving to Tucson to escape the disaster zone. She was shocked to see me and even more shocked to find out that the boys were still in the house across the street. She had noticed that Ferg was gone, and wondered what had happened, but she said she had never seen the boys outside at all. She was shocked to find out they had been there all year long. She said she had never heard them or seen them, and she thought he was there alone. My sons had not been outside to play at all. With the weeds that had taken over the yard, it was impossible for them. I knew he had a weed cutter, he had at least chopped back a narrow path from the where the van parked to the front door with it and it was leaning against the stairs, but even though he was unemployed and sitting home most of the last 3 months, he had done nothing to clear the yard or clean.

The van was thrashed inside and out. The paint was peeling off and pieces of trim were hanging down. It was evident that he had done nothing to maintain it, including taking it in for the mandatory recalls to fix the dangerous problem with the front end. He told me he intended to drive it up to Portland and give it to me to drive the kids around in, I told him not to bother.

I managed to keep my mouth shut most of the time. I was stuck there with him for a couple of days, hashing things out and trying desperately to rescue some of the things that I cared about. He wouldst let me take some of them, telling me,"Ill bring them to Portland when I come." which means they are lost to me. I managed to stash baby books and a few precious things that he wouldn't miss when he was gone to sell the flatscreen tv I had left. He is just having an endless yard sale on Craigslist until the foreclosure is done and he is forced out. I know the house will be condemned when they get it, there is just too much damage, too much decay and there is just no value in attempting to fix it.

I noticed that he had several newer pairs of boots and things for himself, but the boys were wearing the clothes I had left for them along with clothes that the local firefighter charity had given them.

I managed to pack up 7 boxes of things for the kids as well as rescuing some of my things that had been left in storage in a spare room, but that he had started going through to look for valuables to sell. I scrounged enough money to buy the boys each a pair of shoes for the trip home as well as some underwear and I just bided my time until we left on Friday night.

It was tense and stressful and I dont think my stomach quit hurting the entire time I was there, and I hated to hear myself working to appease him when he started getting upset. It was soo easy to fall back into that role of the ,"Yes, woman" even though I have worked so hard to bury that. I had a goal in mind and that was getting my children out of there with the signed and notarized letter in hand giving me permission to leave the state with them, without involving the police or getting hurt, and I managed to do it.

When we got on the train I felt as if we had escaped from prison. The boys were anxious and gleeful at the same time. I managed to get them to settle down and sleep pretty quickly on the train, and took advantage of that and slept like the dead myself. Though the train ride was exhausting, it was not as stressful as I had anticipated. We quickly developed a team effort and though they were bored much of the time, they enjoyed the trip.

I have a lot of work to do over the next few weeks. I have to get them enrolled in school and get them to the doctor and dentist and I am going to have to find the money for clothes for them as well as supplies for school and just living. They had a few requests for me right off the bat, they want bicycles so they could learn to ride, and they want a piano so they can play and they want to be able to listen to music whenever they want. Considering they are giving up all their friends in Flagstaff, the only home they have known along with soda and video games and being allowed to just sit constantly, I dont think that is going to be something I could refuse them.

Its good to have them home. I know its going to be a long road for all of us, but I also know it can be done with determination, stubbornness and love.We have all that in spades.

Dear Roger: Im Just Part Of Her Entourage

You know,re- reading the blog from yesterday, where I was soo stressed and worried about how the concert day was going to go down, I have to laugh. How could I have been worried that anything that involved my little girl and her favorite band of monkeys was going to be anything but wondrous and amazing? I may stress things a little too much and perhaps I should take a page from her playbook and just see the joy and happiness and,"MonkeyFun" in everything. It was truly another great day.

It took forever to get her to go to bed the night before, and the picture I took of her on the train at 7:55 in the morning show a slightly grumpy looking child clutching her monkey a little too tightly, looking like she just got drug a 1/4 mile at a fast hike,(it wasn't THAT fast) but she does have short legs I guess. We were all a little giddy and punch drunk that early in the morning, and I dont do well with the unknown or things out of my control and I was damn sure dealing with a WHOLE WORLD full of that, working around my friends schedule,(WHAT A TROOPER!), the 100 Monkeys and the venues, Portland traffic, a Max that was running behind all stinking day and weather that was honestly hotter than BALLS! The fact I did not end up going rabid super ninja on someone before 12 noon speaks to how well I am doing.

Talk about putting me out of my comfort zone? How about just erasing my comfort zone all together, snuggling up against me and breathing down my neck? I let my daughter wander around with people I dont really know. I let her not only hug a young man I dont know all that well, I let him pick her up! I talked to him! I dont think I stuttered too much, though I know for a fact my damn hand shook pretty hard because my tattoo got noticed and when he asked to see it, the shake was pretty evident. I got my picture took with the band. Yup, me! Turned my back on a group of men, one of them holding my baby, and I got my picture taken with them, though if you look at me, you can tell Im a might bit twitchy by that point, the clenched fist and the hand holding onto the arm is pretty good evidence, but I did smile.

My daughter was in heaven. She got to talk to her Jackson a good long bit and they bounced together, she got him to sign her monkey. They ended up giving us,"Meet and Greet" Passes because she was just such a little charmer. I swear, I loved the Voodoo Donuts show the best, but for getting to spend a moment talking at him, yesterday was awesome for her.

They played 3 songs at BB, and it wasn't as intimate or as charming as Voodoo and truthfully the manager of the BB in Beaverton was an ass to the fans waiting for the show and lost the store more than a few sales of guitar strings and even the possible sale of a guitar in the next month, but Im not going to dwell on one guy who wasn't even affiliated with the band. We got a decent spot and when the band came in, a photographer managed to successfully totally block my daughters and my view of the band, so my son stood her on the stool she had been sitting on so she could sort of see, and I just made do. I could see my daughter swaying back and forth with the biggest grin on her face in the world when they started with,'Shy Water" and it brought home to me that its been a year of such changes and that she is such a happy child now. We were in such transition when we first heard that song live together, and its with out lives in transition we hear it live again, and so with all those people around me smiling and laughing, my goofy self had tears rolling. I fly out of Portland this Wednesday to go to Flagstaff to get the boys, thanks to not only my cousin, but 100 Monkey fans I will be bringing them home to Portland.

Once we left the store and walked back to the Max, allowing for me to have a moment of collecting myself on the sidewalk and a brief stop to get some treats for the kids, we headed directly to the venue because we were worried about getting good placement for the little kids. Stevie quickly got bored with sitting on the hot sidewalk and once the bus got parked, she wanted to be up with the girls who had all the interesting things like balloons and where the water was. Since I could see her, and they seemed like a harmless bunch that wasn't cussing a lot or acting too disreputable, I gave permission. The next thing I knew, she was singing her songs and dancing for them and clapping coupled with hysterical giggles were coming from the direction my child had taken off in. I hear her saying,"Oh thank you, thank you! you are too kind!" Followed by more of her singing, then joke telling and then a dramatic retelling and re-enactment of 'The Adventures Of Super Monkey".

My daughter made friends yesterday. She made fans yesterday. She was filmed multiple times singing her song. The crowd clapped for her enthusiastically and laughed at her antics and I stayed out of it. Like I told one young woman who asked if I was,"Stevie's Mom"? I said that I was her mom, but that I am just the person who handles the transportation,pays the bills and makes sure she goes to bed by 830 on school nights, I dont tell her to stop what she is doing and I dont try to direct or control what direction it goes as long as she is safe. Stevie is a free spirit with a high creative drive and one true abiding love that fuels her and makes her happy and that is that boy. I dont encourage or really discourage. I may groan and tease her and remind her that he is a,'Stinky, sweaty boy" but she is 7 and all she cares about right now is that he is a very kind boy who signed her monkey and talked to her and oh yeah, hung the moon.

She knows he is a sweaty boy now because after the show was almost over, and he had performed his heart out, rocking the house to her and everyone's delight, he came to the edge of the stage where she was standing and he handed her his headband, his sopping wet with sweat, red headband. All the girls around her said,'Aww How CUTE!" simultaneously while she turned to me and said,"Mom, its wet! Eww, can you take it?" I had to laugh, but I took it and wrapped it around her monkey. I am really appreciative to him for finally busting the myth that he isn't a stinky sweaty boy, she now knows different. It does not make a whit of difference to her, because after all that went on yesterday she is even MORE convinced he is the best thing ever, but at least she knows hes human and not a demigod.

It was a great night, a great show and we left out of there having seen 4 fantastic bands, 2 of which I hadn't paid attention to before, but after hearing live I will be looking to see them again as well as buying their music. I really liked "Bleeding Horse Express" and "The Angry Orts" and even my son admitted he enjoyed them quite a bit. My son was pretty taken with,"Kissing Club" and wants their CD, so once we get the boys home and things situated next month, I will have to buy some new music.

For Chances second real rock concert, it was quite an eye opener for him. He looks quite a bit older than he is, and I dont require him to stay attached at my side, in fact, since Stevie and I were dancing and doing things that would be embarrassing to a teen boy, I gave him permission to stand away from us a ways, if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have done that.

My son is a good looking boy. I dont say that being egotistical, I say that being pragmatic. He is over 5'9, hes an athlete, and even though he had shaved the night before, he was already rocking stubble by concert time. His grey Affliction t-shirt was tight, and his skinny jeans were to, and I guess you add a good looking young man to a crowd of hormonally challenged and in some cases drunk, women, you are going to get some out of hand behavior. There was a drunk woman in the crowd, she was obnoxiously drunk and she was behind my son. Her bellows can be heard at the beginnings of the recording he did when they opened with,"Sleeping Giants".

She started off with bumping into him several times, that is why many of the pictures he took ended up blurry, then she graduated to playing with the back of his neck and making comments about,"How Hot" he was. She finished up with a full on grope of him and tried to pull his pants down. I wish she knew that the guy who she tried to molest and who ended up elbowing her in the solar plexus to get away was the 15 year old son of an ex-cop that would dearly love to find her today? He didn't tell me about all what had gone on until we had left and were in the cab on the way home because he knows me well.

All in all though, it was a wonderful day. We met some new friends, and though we missed our old ones, we knew they were there with us in spirit. Seeing the power of my little girl and realizing that the wings she has to fly have just gotten stronger.

Dear Roger: Preparations, Conversations

It has been pretty much the week from hell. The stress alone has had me napping in the floor more than once, so I think I am ready for it to be at an end. Between my paychecks, and my cousins help, I have gotten enough money that allowed me to book a flight to Phoenix and I will be leaving on Wednesday. I hope to Amtrak it back out of there on Saturday, which would be the cheapest departure date for the three of us, at 514, with no real issues. That would put us getting back into Portland on Monday. A looong trip, but bearable. The stress of trying to come up with the money, trying to figure out what to do, dealing with phone calls from the ex where he is telling me about the flooding that is going on due to the monsoons and fire damage as well as all the drama that is going on back there, its been enough that when son kept pushing me about playing chauffeur to him and his girlfriend on a weekend when I was already dealing with the looming 100 Monkeys concert and and hysteria from the youngest daughter, I snapped and told him off.

We dont own a car. We cant afford a car. He wanted me to borrow a car from our friend, then drive to Vancouver and pick up his girlfriend, bring her to Portland and drive them to a restaurant for dinner. He also wanted me to pay for all of this. I have to wonder what part of scraping together every single dime to get his brothers, he doesn't understand? I realize he is a teen with teen issues and teen brain capacity, but that was just ridiculous. He was nagging and being hateful and even trying to bully me about it and I just snapped and unloaded on him. I called him selfish and accused him of not wanting his brothers because they would take away from him. It was ugly. After a little bit we both just sat a opposite ends of the couch and were quiet for a while and then after my blood pressure went down, we talked.

I explained to him that he needed to realize that I do not have to explain everything I do. My motivations and decisions are not his to question and that its not my job to finance or facilitate his love life. I dont have a love life mainly because I dont have time for it and I cannot afford it. I told him that if he wants to have an easier dating life, he needs to find a girl who lives in the same zip code. Hes a good kid, but like a typical teen, he is selfish and egotistical. I try to work with that, but there are days it gets frustrating. I know I have it pretty easy though. My friends son is a defiant problem child. He is confrontational, threatening , calls his mother,"Stupid" sneaks out and runs off, openly flaunts their rules and faces no real repercussions for his behavior. They are failing that kid soo badly it breaks my heart. I see a dark road ahead for that kid, and I suspect things about him that are probably going to lead to a serious schism within that very conservative Christian family, and I only hope it doesn't lead to his self-destruction. I have tried to be a peaceful middle-ground for them, and to let him know that I will listen to his respectful comments, and I have often offered a calm, safe place to come and talk while everyone settles down, but things are getting worse and they seem to not know what to do about it. My son and him have been best friends since they were 6, and my son tells me that he is worried as well, but all he can do is tell his friend that he is there for him no matter what and that he will listen, but they are drifting apart and that is sad to see.

My son and I were talking last night and he did tell me that as crazy as our lives are, and as difficult and as strained as things can get, he knows that I love him no matter who he is and that has always been something he has been happy to know, because he knows his friend doesn't have that luxury.

Today is going to be a crazy day. Its get the kids up, get out the door by 730 and to the train, ride to Lloyd center to meet our friend at the hotel, then off to where the Pre-show is going to be. We get to hike about a mile, which is less than we had to hike last year, but still a bit of a bummer. After the pre-show is over then we head back towards downtown to wander around until the show at 7 tonight. After the show, depending on when its over, we have to figure out how to get home. If the max is still running its that, if its too late, its a cab with a amped up 7 y/o. I hope she gets another picture with young Jackson Rathbone again, she adores him soo damn much I know she will be crushed if she doesn't, but I have tried to prepare her. They are getting more popular and its probably going to be a bigger show with more chaos, so its going to have lost a lot of its intimacy and charm. The VooDoo days are long gone. Most of my friends from that concert aren't even going to make it up for the show, so nothing is going to be the same, and that's a little sad.I know things have to change, I just wish it wasn't so much so fast.

Dear Roger: Waiting, Working, Trying to Not Fall Apart

Stress is getting to me. I took another unexpected nap in the floor yesterday and I guess I needed it. I feel tired all the time right now, but I know I dont have time to sleep. I have been working on rounding up things the boys are going to need when they finally get here, still trying to scrounge the funds to get them back up here, and dreading every time the phone rings and its my ex. I am soo damn afraid he is going to call me and tell me hes been arrested for driving on a suspended license and that the boys are going into foster care. I am just floored that he has let things get to that point in his life. I mean, I knew he was not an upstanding, achiever at all, but to sink to the level that I have to worry that my children would end up at the tender mercies of the state? It boggles the mind. I have scrounged enough money and thanks to my cousin, I have enough money to get there, but I don't have enough to get back with them. I cannot end up trapped down there with him, that would not be good at all. I was hoping to just grab and go, its not like they have a lot of things to bring with them. I am going to have to buy them pretty much everything, including shoes, once they get up here. I have seen pictures of them and for the first time in their lives, they look poor. I never allowed that when they were with me. We may have not had two dimes to rub together, but my children had nice clothes and were well tended. The only thing he makes sure of is that he has his damn can of tobacco every week at 13.00 a can. I could turn that 13.oo a week into new shoes for both boys as well as jeans and shirts, but he doesn't think that way and that is where we always differed.

He says he is going to follow them to Portland. I hope the hell not. I hope that once I get them out of there, he realizes that its actually hard to get out of there and make a change and he just goes to Virginia to live with his mother like his brother did. Im angry and stressed out and worried about my sons. My daughter is worried about them but excited that they are going to be going to the same school as her. My eldest son is trying to maintain calm in the house, but we have butted heads more than once over silly things.

The concert is Sunday and we are planning on heading down to meet up with a friend on Saturday to just try and decompress and not stress over things for a little bit. I think I need to do that so I will quit taking the unexpected naps in the floor.

Dear Roger: Closer

It has been frustrating trying to get it all sorted out for how to go and get the boys. My ex vacillates between grim acceptance, and anger that I wont just fix things for him again and leave them there in the mess he has created. I have felt like beating my head against the wall when trying to find resources to help me get down there to get them. This is one of those times when not having a car and when living soo damn close to the vest financially, really hurts. I dont have an extra thousand dollars or so laying around to drop on plane tickets or train tickets or things like that. I squeak out the rent and the basic necessities each month with little to none for extras left over. I had to save up and buy the tickets for the concert we are attending this weekend, several months ago, and those tickets are under $20.00 each. We dont have a car because I crunched the numbers for all the expenses and we just dont have the money each month to pay for insurance, gas and upkeep, so we dont have a car. I dont get my hair done professionally, I dont wear make-up or smoke or drink or go out because there is just not money for it. My daughter has begged me for months for dance lessons, but I cant afford it, so I find her videos to watch of dancers. We dont have cable, or any damn extras and I dont often ask anyone for a damned thing. I know there are people who live in my apartment complex who are on housing, they are on food stamps and all kinds of assistance. They also have not one, but two damn cars! They also smoke like chimneys, have 4 kids that have bicycles and at least 2 long board skateboards, they wear nice clothes that are never clean, and I have to wonder,What.The. HELL? Those people are disgusting sweathogs who drop trash everyplace they happen to be, they create problems and hopefully will soon be leaving due to all the problems they have created, but they seem to have lots of time, money and things for doing all the wrong things.

I pay all my own damn rent, buy all my own stuff and I keep my place immaculate and my kids out of trouble. I just want to scream in frustration when I see that they get handed more and more and when I go ask if there are any resources to help me get my sons here, and I am told,"Sorry, no. The donations people make to our organization for D/V aren't used for things like that."

None, not one of the so-called "Womens Groups" or organizations that are supposed to help Survivors of Domestic Violence, were willing or able to help me. These are groups that rake in millions of dollars annually . If my kids were dogs, I would have had people falling all over themselves to fly them up here, but because they are just an 11 year old with Downs and a 9 year old little boy, facing homelessness, they are screwed. I have proof I have custody, he is also drafting a letter that he is getting notarized that gives me the right to take them out of state without getting and trouble, so none of that is a problem, but no one wants to get involved. My D/V case manager was less than useless. He just referred me to the Catholics, as did several other organizations. What the hell do the Catholics have to do with anything? Im not Catholic, I lost my faith a long time ago, and I am not their problem. Is it because I have a lot of kids? It got frustrating and made me a little angry.

The one really bright spot in the day was one of my cousins came through and helped some. They are not wealthy folks by any means, but their contribution meant more to me than they know because none of my family has offered to help other than my parents wanting to get my stuff for themselves. My cousin reminded me that I do have some family left that cares and that understands that kids are what matters. Im still working on things and hoping to raise enough money to get them soon. School started down there today and he isn't sending them because they dont have clothes or shoes or anything they need for school and with me coming to get them soon, he just didn't see the point. His license is suspended, so every time he drives anywhere, he takes the chance of getting arrested and my kids ending up in foster care until I can get there, and that horrifies the hell out of me. I have got to get there soon. My sons are excited about being here, Conner and I talk every day and he is back to telling me knock knock jokes. He wants to ride on the Amtrak because that is how he remembers me and his siblings leaving. I looked it up again last night and I found that 3 one way tickets out of Flagstaff are a total of $542, so I am shooting for that. even if I have to pay rent late this month, that is what I am going to do. It will be a long, stressful trip with two little boys, but once I get there, we will sort it out and I think once we are together again, it will all work out.

Dear Roger:Priorities

I am not one to just sit back and let things happen. The minute my ex said I could have my sons back, I started working on the,"How" of getting them up here. I may be a, "Micro-managing bitch" as he has called me, but I do not like to leave anything to happenstance. I am also not good at asking for help. If not for my friends, I would not be trying to get people to help me, and I would be selling everything I own in order to raise the money to get there. I still have a contingency plan to do that. I asked my ex to photograph my Keen Cutter advertising print and even though I love it, I will sell it to raise the money.

My sis tells me my parents were only interested in getting my things from my house before my ex loses it. That is not happening. I will have my things put into storage and shipped to me slowly before I allow them to be taken back to Texas to be peed on by animals or thrown in a garage and forgotten, or given to my mothers,'adopted" daughter in Arizona. That just made me angry, and I wish my sis hadn't told them anything. My friends will help me get my things, and they will make sure they get where they need to be. My children are the primary concern.

I finally overloaded on stress a bit yesterday and took a bit of an unexpected nap in the floor for a few hours. I just remember feeling really weary and dizzy and the next thing I know I was looking at my boss who was asking me if it was okay if she wrote that I was an ex-cop in the complex newsletter. Son tells me I laid in the floor, deeply asleep for around 3 hours. He said he wasn't worried because I was breathing and occasionally muttering in my sleep. Its good to know the boy doesn't freak out about his mother laying unconscious in the floor! I think it was just because I hadn't eaten properly for a couple of days, I was worn out, stressed out and I just needed to shut down for a bit. I felt like I had a hangover afterwards, and I ended up going to bed early last night.

My daughter is really excited that her brothers are going to be here. She has been buzzing around, talking about tea parties and going to the park and all kinds of fun that she can have with them. She has missed her brother Conner the most. Because of the Downs Syndrome, he is closest to her in size and he is always willing to play with her without being unhappy about getting dressed up or being told hes now a monkey or a puppy or something. The often had very cute and creative games that they played. Getting Conner here sooner than later will put my mind at ease, I know he will need a good medical check up and probably a lot of dental work. His father has been supposed to take him for weeks and hasn't had the time, so I will get that done. He will have to have a 1:1 aide for school and the bus, both boys are going to have to have clothes and shoes and school supplies because he told me yesterday that they have nothing. Im going to be broke financially forever, but for the first time in over a year, I am going to be the richest woman alive, my boys are coming HOME.

Dear Roger: At Long Last, Hope...Coupled With Stress, Of Course

He finally agreed! After more than a year of me begging and pleading and trying to convince him it was the right thing to do, my ex finally agreed last night to let me have my sons!! Now all I have to do it figure out how to get down to Flagstaff to get them and then back to Portland. I dont have a car. I don't have any spare money, and I have no idea how the hell I am going to do it, but I have to. My ex got a foreclosure notice and he is losing the house by the first part of October, he has absolutely no money, in fact they cannot even buy gas to get to town, which is probably a good thing considering my ex most likely has a suspended drivers license. He is selling off things to raise money to buy things like tolite paper and dog food. He doesn't want to send the boys to school when it starts on Thursday down there because they don't have decent shoes. I have to go get them. I was up most of last night trying to figure out how to to it. I have looked at Amtrak tickets, car rentals, and I have been emailing friends. Today is going to be spent trying to get ahold of my Domestic Violence case manager to see if he has any resources he can tap to help me out to go get them. I have estimated I can do it for around $1000. Thats if I rent a car and drive, sleeping in the car,and packing my own snacks and keeping it conservative. The train would run about the same amount, though it would take longer due to just how damn slow Amtrak is. I haven't even considered flying because flying into Flagstaff would be insanely expensive. Last time I looked into the bus, that was almost as high as flying, which was just crazy. Im contacting friends, rattling cages all over in the hopes that I can get this to happen. This is the first hope I have had in so damn long. He has given up and he wants them out of there so he can concentrate on packing up his stuff and getting it out before the house is taken away.

There are things there that I want to get as well, but my boys are my priority. Things can mostly be replaced, other than my uncles painting, but I dont even know how the hell I am going to get that back home.

I need to get them before school starts up here on the 7th of Sept, that way I can get them to the doctor, get them some stability and somehow get them what they need. I am going to have to work 4 jobs and have less than 2 lives, but at least my sons will be home!