Dear Roger: Step Into The Bold

So I went and got a haircut yesterday. It was a hotly debated prospect before I left the house, with my eldest son staunchly against me making any dramatic changes he even tried to reason with me using the,"You will send off the wrong message", argument, but considering that having long,blonde hair that hung to the middle of my back still got me hit on by women more than men, I do not think hair was the issue.
I had let it grow for the last almost two years without doing anything to it, and honestly, I felt it was time to mark the change. Lots of transitions have gone on this month, some of them good, some of them hard to take, but transitions they are and they have had an impact on me and my family, so I felt the need to mark it. When I lose someone I love, usually in death, I shave my head. Its my tradition. I think that is what had my son worried, but nobody had died, they had mearly gone away from me by my choice, so I didn't feel the need to mark his loss as a death, it was just a relocation. I had half my hair cut off. Then, I had purplish streaks put through it. It was the first time I have ever had dye professionally applied to my hair and it was pretty interesting. I wasn't sure how I felt about the change as I left the shop, and since it was raining, I put my hood up for the walk home, but the streaks of color in the front plainly showed and that made me happy. I guess my pleasure and the change showed in my general demeanor because I got smiled at by a man as I walked past him on the sidewalk. That was a different feeling as well! I usually pass by people, unobserved and unacknowledged, maybe my generally misanthropic attitude reflecting out at people and warning them away, but its more difficult to maintain that when you have taken a bold step into the new and different.
It was freeing and I found myself smiling and singing along a little more than usual as I was walking home. I do tend to sing along with my music, even when I am not cognizant of it. My kids tell me that if I am listening to it when I am writing with my earbuds in, I am quite often singing along, especially to some of the sadder songs, and I got busted by one of the residents where I live singing along with a rather bawdy song that was off a video I have in my phone. I enjoy that video more than a little and it tends to warm up cold, dreary days when I am out dealing with the less than pleasant aspects of my job, so I guess I know it a little better than I should. I don't get to listen to it at home because, the SBL 2010 version of 'Strangers" that Ben Grauper sang is for sure not child friendly, though it is dirty old woman friendly, so I was walking along, in the rain and the muck, doing my job, trying not to freeze, singing along and feeling the music a little when I got a tap on my shoulder.
People who know me, know not to approach me from behind and tap on my shoulder, they know that is dangerous, especially if I have a tool in my hand or I am distracted. So I knew right away this person did not know me at all.
I did not hurt them. I dont think I even really scared them, because they were smiling when I finally managed to get my ear buds out and get my burning in embarrassment face to look them in the eyes and pay attention to what they were saying.
He was asking me about how my investigation into something involving complex goings on was proceeding, and while I toed the dirt with my boot and tried to pretend he didn't just hear me singing,"Lets get fucked up and fuck each other" I told him that I had a likely suspect and that I had relayed the information on to my boss. He grinned at me and patted my shoulder, (again, I did not hurt him), and told me he had full faith and confidence I would get it handled. Every time he sees me now he smiles at me and waves, and well...I wave back and smile, though I make sure that song only comes up to play where no one can sneak up on me.
Spring is trying to come out up here, and I really hope it succeeds pretty soon. Spencer seems to sense it. He has been really rambunctious lately and the other day he rammed into me and knocked me flat on my ass. It was not a good thing because he is a big dog and I am a small person. Hes up to 80lbs and im down to 103, and when 80lbs hits me full on in the gut, the 80lbs won. It jacked up my back pretty good, leaving me in the worst pain I have been in since I left Arizona. I spent the rest of the evening laying flat on my back on the living room floor watching movies on my computer with a heat compress on my back hoping that Aleve would be enough.
I finally watched a movie that, while I had supported it with my donation and trying to get people to go see it and what not with tweeting and Facebook and sending its trailer to people I knew who ran Downs support groups and such, I had never had the nerve to watch it on my own due to the fact I had been warned it had some pretty realistic domestic violence in it and as the mom of a kid with Downs...well...I just had never seen a person with Downs treated as a human being before by any kind of movie. I was lucky enough to be able to see the "Girlfriend Movie" finally and that changed. I was floored. I watched the entire movie with only one brief breather due to a scene getting to be too much for me,(young Mr. Rathbone played the abusive bastard a little too convincingly for comfort and it left me very conflicted because he has actually been a source of comfort in my own dark times), but after a pause and collection of nerve, I resumed watching it and was just amazed that every single person involved with that film has not had their name held up and the benchmark for what it takes to make a quality movie. In an era of cookie cutter remakes and schlock that I would not spend a dollar to go see, I feel bad that I only paid the wonderful young man less than $5.00 for the privilege to see this film, I would have paid much more and I will be buying the DVD for myself.
I will be doing as much as I can to support them in the future, because while I am past the point of being able to chase my long dead dreams, it makes me happy to see that there are people who are persevering and succeeding and making it and they deserve all the help they can get, especially when they make gems like "Girlfriend Movie".
My writing muse has been working me pretty hard lately and my latest story has really met with some acclaim! My son nags at me to actually "Do something" with my writing, like a screenplay or send it to a publisher, but I need an editor who doesn't piss me right the hell off, and considering how temperamental I am, that is probably going to be impossible to find. My young gay neighbor and I have a great rapport, but he blushes so much when we are talking that I am afraid trying to edit the sex scenes or anything like that would turn into a giggle fest, which is sad because I actually work better with men and I know he writes some of the same stuff. Maybe I will just ask him next time his dog jumps into my arms.

Dear Roger: The Monkey Life

Two years ago I was sitting in Arizona waiting to die. My ex was getting released from prison, and I was fully expecting him to finish what he had started before a friend of mine had him swooped up by the cops before it could really get ugly on the ole home front, and I found the nerve and the anger to testify against him and put him in prison for almost 2 years and gave him a good reason to want to kill me.
The time after all that fracas had gone down was filled with a grim struggle for survival where I ended up getting sick with things like H1N1, facing record snowfall, and nearly starving to death as I managed to keep my kids housed and fed up to that point as I sat there on the night of March 25th writing my blog.
I remember I wasn't really scared, I was angry. I had made it. We had survived on our own and I had held onto the house, but it had come at at steep cost. I was ragged and worn and weary as hell and past the point of being able to resist him. He was going to win and be able to wear me back down because I was weak.
If we had stayed in Flagstaff, one or both of us would be dead by now.
Things happen for a reason, and daughter wanting to see that concert seems like a trite reason to pack up and haul ass nearly a 1000 miles away, but that was just the symbolic reason for us going. It was our salvation and that concert was the beginning of so damn many wonderful things for us, but its been hard as hell.
Two years without a vehicle. Our first few weeks in this apartment we went hungry. Seriously, we didn't have money for food or anything. I skipped meals so my kids would have enough and we still went hungry. We all got thin before I finally found a job that helped us to catch up a little.
We had nothing but what had fit in those 7 bags we brought with us, so we slept on the floor until we managed to find furniture at yard sales. Nothing in our house is brand new to this day, and I kind of take pride in that because while it may be used, its still nice and I am the ultimate recycler, teaching my kids the value of things.
Its been lonely for me. I left the one man in Arizona that I loved and hoped to someday have something with, but just a short while ago, I finally realized that I had lived so many years as a secret, never able to share my feelings for him with the rest of the world, never able to be honest about things, that it was eating me up. So I listened to a lot of sad music, heard some of the same hurt in others,(ironically from the same band), and realized that I wasn't alone, and once again I found the strength to make the right move and I moved forward by letting go. It hasn't been easy but every step forward every breath in and out is progress.
I have second guessed myself a lot, and often considered that maybe I should have kept trying to fix things in Arizona, but then my ex showed up here in Portland. It was bad. Financially, we are still recovering and he had no shame about the damage he did. He likes to call from down in L.A. and gloat about how nice the weather is down there and how cool his life is as a single person down there, because he went there to mooch off his aunt when he decided Portland was,"Too hard". He knows that before I had kids, it had been my dream to live out there as a writer, but now I cant even afford to go down there to attend a concert. I figure karma will get him in the end. I have my pride. I support my kids and make sure they have what they need and they know it. I dont keep the secrets from them anymore. They figured it out pretty quick when they realized he wasn't working and I had to go get the other two boys from Arizona. They don't believe his stories about how he is going to have it all together pretty soon. They know his version of "pretty soon" hasn't happened in over 10 years.
Its been a couple of years of big changes and realizations, some good, some sad. The boys that brought us to the sunshine are on the outs and that makes me more than a little sad for them because so much good came from those beautiful days in the sun, and I can only hope that eventually they find the peace and happiness that they so richly deserve.
I dont know what this next year will bring for me and my family, but we are still alive and still moving forward, and all I know is that if not for a bunch of monkeys, I dont know if that would be able to be said, so you dont get a much stranger reason for life than that.

Dear Roger: Every Time I See Your Face

I have you back. Now, every day when I log on to my computer, or walk into my living room, I can see you and it has done wonders for me. I had never expected to have that again. I had begged for pictures of you many times from my parents. Even offering to pay for copies to be made of a particular painting that had been done of you by one of your many girlfriends, the "Coca-Cola Cowboy" painting that is lost to us forever in some gallery or private collection, but the one photograph of it that my grandmother had is in my mothers possession and she has it in a box,'Somewhere" and my repeated requests for a copy went ignored, so I had despaired ever even seeing your face again.
Many of my personal pictures were lost when my ex took over the house, and when Stevie drowned my laptop a few years ago. I have tried to replace them, but when family holds the originals and wont share, it becomes impossible, but the other night, I was sitting on the couch, trying to write and in a particularly morose mood, as it had been a stressful week, fraught with more financial difficulty, and me finally reaching the decision to move on from a relationship that was going to do nothing that hurt me. I was feeling particularly lost and alone, with no one to talk to, when I got a text alert on my Iphone.
Hardly anyone ever texts me. Ever. I don't have that many friend contacts due to my misanthropy, and my social life is pretty limited, so I figured it was just an alert to tell me that my son was about to go over on data or that I was late on some bill, but when I reached over and hit the unlock screen, you were there.
I cant really describe the feeling that went through me, but it took my breath away and brought instant tears of joy. I guess it must be like what people who are reunited with a lost loved on feel. The pictures just kept coming from the daughter of your heart, and the niece of mine. She sent me half a dozen or so of you from when you met her mother to just shortly before you left us and by they time they stopped I was a sobbing mess.
Chance came out to see what was going on and he saved them all for me and printed them so that I could put them up on the wall, the first pictures I have had of family in years on my wall. He was stunned at how much we look alike, and then surprised at how much the pictures impacted me. Imagine years and years of not seeing your family, of thinking that the people who meant the world to you were lost forever and that you would never see their faces again? That is what I have lived with, the frustration of knowing that my parents have these pictures and just didn't care enough for me to share them, even though I begged over and over, and then knowing that they were lost to me, possibly forever. I'm a visual person, a writer who while capable of describing things and feelings and events, needs to see and be reminded of those who gave me the ability.
My children now know your face, and they ask questions and have heard more stories that seem to have been sparked,as they often are with me, by seeing an image that was slowly slipping from my memory even though I struggled mightily to keep it there. They know you now. They will hopefully be able to share you with their children and through them, you will live on, that is how you never truly die.
Someday I hope to get pictures of grandpa and grandma back, maybe she has some or maybe my sister will be able to smuggle some out to me like she always says she plans to do,I hope, but having you back...its like peace has found part of my heart, the peace you were always able to bring to the turmoil that was me.

Dear Roger:The Secrets That You Keep

Living a secret eats you slowly like a parasite.Tiny,agonizing bites that devour who you are and what you might have been, and what you might have been capable of, bit by bit, day by day. Especially secrets that involve love, those are the worst and most virulent of the secrets to keep because they are the most consuming of the spirit.
When you are in love with someone, you want to shout it from the rooftops and roll in it like its the greenest grass, wearing it on your skin for everyone to see. You feel ten foot tall and bullet-proof, all powerful and enraptured in the person you have found that sets you alight, but...if there is a reason you cant share the fact you love this person, then life becomes a nightmare because the secret takes hold.
No matter what the reason; family, career, wrong place, wrong time, ethnic differences, age differences, there are a myriad of reasons that people find themselves strangling that part of themselves that should be allowed to flourish and grow and shine like the sun and after a while, it begins to hurt. That what was once bright and flourishing and beautiful, becomes painful and begins to question why it has to be kept in the dark and hidden, especially when it seems that its not really that big of a secret to the rest of the world around it, and love can turn to anger and hurt and in the struggle to break free from the darkness of the prison that is the secret, words and things can be said and done that hurt and cause harm and create pain where once there was only love.
But true love wont allow that to win. True love does the right thing, even when its painful and it ages it beyond its years and darkens what was a bright an beautiful thing. True love protects the one it loves and calls back all the pain and hurt and anger and it reels it in, dampens it down and it would never allow the darkness to harm that which it really, truly loves.
Decades may be spent in quiet contemplation of what might have been, waiting for the,"good thing to come in time", only to get a devastating phone call or letter, telling you that your time will never be because they could not take that risk, that bold step into the world and put aside money or career or family and be who they are and could be, and it hurts, its devastating beyond all reason because its a death of sorts. A death of hopes and dreams and of what might have been. But you take in a breath, and another, and then you pick yourself up and move forward and you learn to walk again, and eventually you learn to feel again, though it might never be the same. The colors not as bright, the music not as clear, the touch not as satisfying, but you just do because you owe it to yourself to never give up.
Recovery is a slow process, like healing from an addiction to the worst kind of drug, and often the best method is cold turkey, but when the one you love is wound around your heart and inn your life so intimately, for such a long time it can take years to unwind the strings that bind them to you, and cutting each one causes bleeding that you feel like you will never recover from.
Yesterday I deleted and wiped the archives of an email account I've had for 13 years, I don't think the bleeding will ever stop.

Dear Roger:Not So Subtle

Nobody wants to be the kids of a divorce, hell! Nobody wants to be the kids stuck in a bad marriage, all the fighting and sniping and what people think a subtle little snipes at each other escalate the tension levels to the point that nobody wants to be around. The stress gets so thick that you can taste it and sometimes someone snaps and either things get broken or someone can end up pinned to a dresser with a straight razor slicing a thin little line into their throat. Its not a fun place to be, especially if there are kids sitting there as helpless bystanders who can do nothing to stop it.
There are lots of relationships that are like marriages, long time friendships, love relationships that might have been marriages in another world,partnerships, and so on that sometime go bad for one reason or another and when they disentergrate,its often pretty brutal to see and sad for those caught in the middle or even on the outer edges. Sometimes lines are drawn and factions formed, I deal with that on a pretty regular basis from my son, Stubby. He thinks his father is the one who has been wronged in the whole situation with our family.
I've tried to explain to him that people aren't allowed to hurt their supposed loved ones, that they aren't supposed to spend the families money on drugs and that fathers are supposed to help support their children and spend time with them and not just yell at them to be quiet. After nearly 6 months of gently trying to get him to see my side, showing him that I wasn't the bad guy, that I really do love him and that I will support him and do the right thing for him even if hes angry at me all the time and that I am not the bad guy in the situation, I gave up trying to win him over and I just let him be angry with me. It was like living with a timebomb in the house, a little black cloud of hate that seemed determined to evoke his fathers presence for me on a daily basis until my eldest son stepped in. Stubby had been pretty much brain washed in the time my ex had him. He had been told I was up here partying and running wild and that I didn't want him. My eldest son has been clearing up that misconception and pointing out the things that I had refused to do, like the fact the ex has never paid child support and that he always thinks of himself first and the kids last. My eldest is pretty relentless about it too. The minute Stub starts in on me about something, the eldest says,"Lets call your father and see if he will help buy you that, after all, he hasn't spent a DIME on you since the 20 he spent on your birthday in January. Mom spent a whole bunch of extra on you for your juice and stuff you wanted, but you are going to be hateful to her? I don't think so." It actually seems to be working to some extent. I have also stopped being the one to force the ex to be a decent parent. If he doesn't call, I don't call and tell him to call his kids. I am letting them see just how long he will go without it. It seems petty, but he is a 54 year old man who should not have to be told to call his kids, just like he should not have to be told to support them.
Fighting and bickering gets old, and I refuse to get in the middle of it. My kids excel at it and when you have 4 kids that are all above average intelligence,(even for Downs Syndrome), they pick the damndest things to fight over and often I have learned to tune it out because they know if I am forced to get involved, the sanctions are often grim. I prefer to remain the neutral party because as a former cop and someone who has studied the things I have studied, the dynamics of personality at play often override whatever real or imagined hurt took place. Perception is reality for whomever is involved in the altercation and if they think they got their feelings hurt, then by God their feelings got hurt and nothing I can do to the perpetrator is going to make it better. Stickys version of rough justice is often more effective. If someone hurts his feelings, he often reacts right away, smacks the offender upside the head and then five minutes later they kiss, make up and are back playing Angry Birds. Life needs to be more like that for adults, and so called adults because there is often a hell of a lot more on the line and lot less time to make things right.
I guess looking at things from the perspective of someone who has more people they love who have died, such as you Rog, I tend to realize that its not worth it to be angry or to take the risk that the last things I may have said to someone I once loved, were words of anger. I'm not angry at my parents anymore and I have made a half-assed peace with them. I've made a half-assed peace with pretty much everyone, including my ex who I don't really hate, I just find him kind of sad and pathetic. My kids? They damn well know I love them to death. Hugs and the words are said every single day. I told the man I have loved as a friend and who I had hoped to someday have more with, how I felt, and though it will never do me any good, it was a clearing of the slate. I sent him a song, said this is how I feel, I love you, goodbye. I deleted my contacts from him and my gift to myself for this next year is to stop. To finally say,"Its never going to happen." The hardest thing I have ever done and it totally broke me, but I bear him no ill will, he was what he was and I knew that from the get go, my last gesture to him, is to protect him and that is what you should do for those you love.
I would give years off my own life to have a few moments to have been able to tell you and grandpa how much I loved you, or my cousin what he meant to me and how he influenced me as a human being. I will never have that. I would give years to have been able to once have told that boy,"I really like you and I think you are cute." but I never had that, or that young firefighter that I flunked on his EMT test? I wish to God I had a few more minutes to teach him the skills he needed to pass that section of the test so I wouldn't have had to fail him and he wouldn't have had to go to Phoenix and he wouldn't have rolled his truck and died. Soo many regrets that are born of lost opportunities to make things right, to fix what is broken and jagged and what will leave a scar when it cuts into you.

Dear Roger: Im Not A Bitch,Ive Just Been In A Really Bad Mood

Seriously, I have been in a mood the past week or so, or in some peoples opinions, maybe for the last 40 years, and I really don't know why other than maybe I am tired of winter, tired of trying to make a nickle stretch into a dollar, tired of trying to cajole my 16 year old son into doing the work he knows he has to do in order to advance in school, tired of dealing with a 10 y/o son that no matter what I do tells me he hates me and that his father is the best thing ever, tired of just standing in quicksand and being up to my ass in alligators. My other writing has reflected it pretty strongly, I beat the hell out of one of my characters again, and honestly,he is one of my favorite whipping boys as of late for some reason, (I'm sure a psychiatrist would have a blast with that one), but I alienated one of my readers and they told me they were out because they couldn't take all the abuse of that character. meh... I've read some of their stuff and well, I don't think they have much room to judge, but whatever. I'm not going to let it bother me too much, better I beat up on a fictional character than a real person. I'm annoyed with my dog, who actually is a really good dog that deserves much better than he gets around here. Yeah, hes gotten really great medical care and all that, he gets good food and all the things a dog should get from a responsible owner, except for enough attention. I am so damn busy herding kids to school, through online lessons, keeping the house clean, working, and trying to catch a shower from time to time as well as manage the bills and other business, I barely have time to write or keep the few threads of my sanity intact. I have come to hate my ex more than a little. When he deigns to call the children, he never fails to take some time to take a backhanded swipe at me for something or another, and this last time, when he called after a week and a half of silence, it was to comment that he had seen me on the show,"Portlandia". I had gotten to be an extra for a skit called,"The Canoe Dance" and while it was fun and I would gladly do it again, it was not a great hair day for me. It had been misting earlier in the morning and my hair looked flat, so of course, the ex's comment was 'Wow, you really looked like shit, your hair looked terrible." He then went on to comment that the reason my 10 y/o was always angry with me was because I didn't know how to parent boys and that I didn't do enough for him. Never mind the fact that if I maybe had more resources, I could do more for him and that our latest battles had all hinged around the fact that my son was bored and frustrated with always being told we either couldn't afford something or couldn't go somewhere because we don't have a car. The ex whined that he wasn't in the daughters birthday video and he said,"You know, that's messed up. Why isn't there a picture of me in it?" Well, lets see...I had begged him to bring me or send me the kids memory boxes with all their stuff that he wouldn't let me have when I initially left AZ, but he claimed he didn't have the money or the room so he put them in storage, so all I have are the things I managed to smuggle out of the house when I went down to get the boys, which sadly doesn't include too many pictures because I couldn't find them in the tweekers nest he had turned the house into. The next reason is, why should he be in her birthday video? He hasn't been there for her for her last 5 birthdays and he did nothing for her for this one except for a call the day before, hes always just given her a half-assed apology for being a shitty father. It really pissed me off that he thought he should be represented on her special day when he hasn't been there for her, and I mentioned it to her that he was offended he wasn't in it, her reaction was the same as mine, "Why should he be in it? He hasn't been here!" She snorted and flounced off to go work on learning yet another song on her piano that he thought was too much of a gift to get her for Christmas.
I guess maybe bashing on my fictional character is my way of bashing on all the men that have pissed me off lately. It should put me in a better mood to get the frustration out of my system, but it doesn't. I think I need to put that story on hiatus and write something else for awhile until I can resolve my general state of annoyance with the male species.
My oldest son sparked an odd conversation with me the other day, I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and for some reason we started talking about why I am an ardent supporter of the Anti-bullying campaign and the Trevor project as well as gay rights. I explained to him about growing up in the era of Ryan White and seeing all the harm that was done to a dying child due to ignorance, and my own experiences with bullying and hate because of what people perceived,when you work in certain fields and dress in less than feminine ways and hang out with men most of the time, people assume things and I have lived a vast amount of my life with people assuming I was a Lesbian, including to some extent, my own family. I have experienced, first hand, hate and the kind of things that most people have no clue about and its horrible. I wanted my children to never, ever inflict that kind of pain on anyone no matter what they look or act like, and I seem to have managed to do that with at least a couple of them. My eldest son really gets it, but his comes from his religious beliefs, he may be a frustrating knucklehead in a lot of ways, but to hear my son say,"When you are a Christian, you are supposed to love EVERYONE, not just pick and choose. I have read the Bible and I know what it says and it says nothing about picking and choosing who you love and who to bring to God.You don't win people over by telling them they are evil, you win them over with love and compassion and understanding, everybody needs love." Damn, my boy maybe should be a preacher because he really would be a good one, he not only says this stuff from his mouth, he believes it from his heart and he was telling me about seeing a picture of a baby on a friends Facebook page, and then he told me that the baby had been a miscarriage because the mother had been very sick and it made his heart hurt to see it, and while he hated the thought of abortion, he understood why they were needed in some cases and that all the pending legislation made him scared for his sisters lives under such horrible control. It was a deep conversation for him and me to have and it even went on to include talk of a subject that he rarely broaches with me, Sex and sexually transmitted diseases. I was flabbergasted that he was asking questions, but I answered them directly and honestly and gave him the most honest and up to date information available, all the while hoping like hell he was sticking to his pledge to wait until he was married. Hes told me that his friends know almost nothing about the diseases and the risks out there to their health as well as what to be aware of, and that they ask him because they know I actually talk to my kids about such things in a very open and candid manner, even about drugs and alcohol and the risks as well as the true effects of them. I don't know why more parents don't talk to their kids in an open and honest manner, with the internet being the way it is, they can just go on one of a million websites and get the wrong information or information that is too clinical or written by people trying too hard to relate to kids. More parents need to do what I did, just sit down and listen and answer honestly, it has an amazing effect on the kid and it just may save their life.
Im hoping Spring will show up around here pretty soon and improve my general mood, and that maybe the pace of my life will slow down just a little bit. I was ecstatically happy to see Ridley Scott has made another Sci-Fi movie called "Prometheus" that looks every bit as fantastic as Blade Runner. That really brought you to my mind a lot last night and DAMN! I wish you were here to go see it with me, because you introducing me to the brilliance that was Blade Runner sure was a game changer to me. I miss you soo damn much.

Dear Roger: Manners, Even When Its Difficult

I am trying to instill good manners in my children, and Lord knows it is not an easy thing to do. I have always taught them to say,"Please and Thank you and Yes Sir and Yes Ma'am" and thing of that nature, as well as taught my daughter the basics of how to act like a lady because there was no way in hell I was going to raise the first,"Girl Gone Wild" or titty dancer in the family. I am enough of a scandal as it is without that kind of shame out there, so this past week since she has had a bunch of presents and cards rolling in for her birthday, I have made sure that she has been keeping track of the envelopes and the addresses so that she can carefully handcraft and address a personalized,"Thank you" to each and every person who sent her something.
I have been terrible about that in years past and it was one of my resolutions this year to get better at it, or to at make sure my kids started getting better at it but between trying to get her caught up in the schoolwork she got behind on when I allowed her to take a day or two off and just be a kid, as well as the day lost when she went with me to pick up Sticky's Ipad, "Thank you" notes have been a slow go. The distraction of the Ipad in the house has not helped us at all either. Her brother and her spent most of the first day it was here, just teaching Talking Tom how to say vaguely,(and not so vaguely) objectionable things and playing Angry Birds together. after she got done with her days schoolwork.
She has been quite the trooper about that and has managed to catch it all up and then some, in a short amount of time and I am very proud of her, I wish her big brother had her work ethic. Today she started working on the,"Thank you" cards and she is having fun personalizing each one to the person, speculating about what they might like and how to draw it.
She has been in pretty good spirits, especially since the 100 Monkeys released their new single and she loves it! We both do and she is eagerly hoping that they will come up this direction and play a show she can attend. She has tweeted at her favorite boy a few times, but gotten no response and she is convinced hes mad at her for some strange reason. I've tried to tell her that hes just off doing boy things, but shes a little kid and she is still learning how people are and in her world when someone disappears from your life, its usually for a bad reason. I'm going to just keep her busy and distracted with other bands, the goings on of the band boys that are left and the looming summer movie releases that look all kinds of exciting. She was front and center when we saw that Johnny Depp has "Dark Shadows" coming out and her comment was,"Dont even THINK for one MINUTE you are leaving me home for that one!" I wouldn't dare, she gave me such a look when she said that! I trust Depp to make something that will be okay for her to see, because with rare exception,(Sweeney Todd being one), he and Burton tend to make movies that kids like her can watch over and over again and enjoy for years to come, in fact, our movie collection includes most of them and often when we are home with nothing better to do, there is one playing in the background, so keeping her distracted and busy will help I am sure to soothe any hurt or worry and with her play coming up soon, she will be busy with rehearsals and planning for her summer camp and if she is going or not, then I think she will soon forget any worries.
I am so ready for the wet and cold winter to be over with. We get a couple of days of nice weather where the sunshine comes out and everyone gets all hopeful and happy, and then all hell breaks loose again with the rain and even the snow. It has really taken a toll on everyone's good mood most days, especially the little boys.
Stubby is not a fan of Oregon and he lets me know about it over an over, on pretty much a daily basis. I just tell him that I am sorry he hates it here, but there really is no alternative for him. His father is currently bouncing around in L.A. with whomever he hasn't worn out his welcome at, and hes still claiming poverty. He was so impoverished in fact, he couldn't send his daughter anything for her birthday. I ask him about helping out with the kids expenses and I get the same story I always get,"I dont have any damn money!" as he puffs on a cigarette and then proceeds to tell me about his adventures around L.A. and hanging out at the beach. Stubby finally asked me the other day what child support was and I very carefully explained the legal terms for it, refraining from mentioning that I would be owed 32k if the state of AZ hadn't quashed his fathers when he was incarcerated for domestic violence,(never should have done that little bit of math)its done nothing but make me crazy ever since. Stub said,"So if its to help pay for us, then why does dad say its bullshit?" I just simply shrugged and waited until he went to school before I walked into my room and cursed into my pillow for good 5 minutes, it wouldn't have done me or my son any good to have acted any other way and I, at least have good enough manners to know that.

Dear Roger: Moving Forward

my son playing at the Baptism.
Whew! What a busy day that was! And to add to the fun of it all, was the change to Daylight Savings time. I really hate the Spring Forward B/S because telling 4 kids they are losing and hour of sleep is like trying to take their candy away from them. Its even kicked my butt a little bit and I am always awake at 0500 every morning anyway.
Her birthday and baptism seemed to go pretty good, other than I screwed up the video taping of the actual baptism and only managed to capture snippets of it. She had a momentary bit of panic, she cant swim and it was a pretty big tank, she was surrounded by men and it was a bit overwhelming. I brought her the monkey, she cuddled it, he was sat on the edge of the tank so she could see him and then all was well.
Her brother played guitar for her. I managed to capture two songs he played and I was amazed he didn't track me down and try to drown my phone and me with it. He hates being video taped and even getting pictures of him is a major event nowadays.
She had a pretty good birthday with some nice presents from friends, and cards and other presents are slowly drifting in from all over the place and that tickles her to death, she loves getting mail and that gives her something to look forward to every day. She knows she has some pictures of her favorite boys coming in, so she has cleared space on the wall by her bed for them and she bugs me to check the mail about every hour.
She got quite a few Facebook posting and tweets from friends and all kinds of greetings and such. She tweeted Jackson, but got no response and I really didn't expect she would. I am afraid he is just not going to be there for her anymore and though it may be a painful thing for her to realize, especially since that has been the story with every other man in her life, I think its best she just understand now that its best not to count on men for anything, including a kind word. Shes a strong kid and I want her to be stronger. Knowing not to count on anyone for anything including kindness, is the best way to be. I know it sounds cynical, but it will keep her from getting hurt by anyone or anything in the future. She already knows not to expect anything from her father, she is learning her brother is more interested in his girlfriend than spending time with her, and her other brothers will push her out of the way to get the treats first, so she is learning to push back.
She is a very sweet and optimistic and loving child, but that can only go so far. So many times of her father telling her,"I cant do anything for you because I'm broke", or " Hey, Where is your brother, can I talk to him" when he calls have served to make her resent him. She kept herself busy yesterday chatting with people on FB and twitter and playing games with her brothers as well as working ahead in some of her classes, so it was a typical day for her. She tells me that she doesn't feel any older, but maybe a little wiser.
Our favorite band released a new single yesterday and even without the two boys we were used to having in it, I have to say, it is probably some of their best work! I loved it and spent a big chunk of the day tweeting about it and trying to get folks to pay attention to how great it is so hopefully it will spark a tour from them. Daughter loved it and quickly found the rhythm and was dancing around and singing and clapping to it so I think ,"City Of Bones", was a hit at least in her eyes, I know we are excited for the album.
Son reminded me that I am next in the birthday roster. I turn 43 next month. Not something I am looking forward to considering that the plans I had to go back to Texas for my High School reunion have been shot to hell by the ex due to me having to play catch up with all the bills he left me footing. It will just be another day, but after than I get a break on the whole birthday/holiday fiasco until Sticky turns 12 in August. That one will be one that will be a little crazy.

Dear Roger:Where Did The Time Go?

The title is linked,(hopefully), to a video of my baby girl and showing her and her monkey moments, set to her favorite song, "TIME" by the 100 Monkeys.
Today is the day my baby, the last of my kids, the wheel that turns us all, turns 8 years old. It shouldn't be such a big deal I guess, but to me it feels like the genuine end of her babyhood. She has always acted older than she is, but this year even more so. Like I mentioned the other day, her favorite band broke up as her favorite boy left to go be a daddy and an actor. She has tweeted him a few times and gotten no response, but instead of throwing a baby fit or getting snarky, she has been resolute in her support and understanding.
Her father finally bothered to call yesterday after over a week and a half without talking to the kids, and he spent all of five minutes talking to her to tell her that he wasn't going to be sending her anything right now because he couldn't afford it. She didn't even get upset over that,(shes actually used to that), so she politely chatted with him about nothing and then handed off the phone and went on about her business. He had asked her to friend him on FB and I was highly amused to hear her reiterate that she would think about it, because she knows he told me that he preferred to be Facebook friends with her to,"Save the hassle of calling." She doesn't want to make him ignoring her any easier than it already is I guess.
She has a busy day today; church in the morning and then she will be home for a little bit to hang out before we head out to her church for her Baptism. She has chosen to get Baptized on her birthday and then once that is over, she has her play rehearsal, and she reminded me that she made a commitment to the the play so she has to be there, birthday or not, so she will be attending. The kid wont stop going until nearly 8:00 tonight and then we will have some cake to celebrate my little miracle.
We are going to hang out at home tomorrow and continue the celebration most likely, she was actually born pretty late at night so I guess that works. We will watch,"Our" movie "Lilo and Stitch" because the new movies she wanted to watch are a bit too adult for her as of yet, eat cake, and just be lazy, though knowing her, she will be anything but.
Shes growing so damn fast. Changing every day and becoming a strong and beautiful child that is going places. She has plans for her future, goals and dreams and the drive to see the through. I hope that the wings she has continue to make her fly as high as possible because she deserves everything she hopes and dreams of.

Dear Roger: Rules For Being A Parent

I got up this morning at 7:30, it was one of those rare mornings when I got to actually sleep in because no one had to be anywhere, but my secondary alarm needed to pee and wanted his morning kibble, and I could tell by the sounds coming from the living room, my tertiary alarm was already up and would soon be coming in to ask if I was ever going to get my ass out of bed.
My tertiary alarm is usually my primary alarm nowadays, at least on weekends and days when no one has to get up early, its like Murphys Law, but that's just Sticky boy. I walked into the living room and sure enough he was on the couch, sitting with his ankles crossed behind his neck, watching some educational show on PBS. Hes so hyper-flexible he can not only cross his ankles behind his neck, he can put his toes under his chin. He and daughter often have contests to see who is the bendiest, and to outsiders its a bit off-putting at times. He was wearing just his boxers which had mysteriously acquired a hole in them since he started wearing them yesterday, and he was worrying the hole. "I got a hole in my chones!" was the first thing he told me this morning and I agreed with him and then went to make my coffee, not too excited or shocked. Hes a boy and he often manages to do damage to his clothes in some bizarre way. While I was in the kitchen he comes walking up to me, gives me a hug and a kiss and asks me to make him a "Butt crack sandwich".
Now, before you go getting too freaked out about that term, let me tell you, it came from his siblings and honestly, it kinda fits the disgusting combination of materials he loves on toast and has been eating since he was a wee child. Its toast, with katsup,(lots of it), mustard and mayonnaise and when we can afford it ham. He has started asking for ranch dressing on it as well lately but I drew the line there. When I was pregnant with my daughter I couldn't even be in the same room when it was being made, but now, I just go about it as if its the most normal thing in the world, most of the time he makes it himself, but he knew I had just thoroughly cleaned the kitchen and I think hew as worried I would get annoyed at him if he made a mess.
Sticky is special in many, many ways, not just because he has Downs Syndrome and it makes him operate a little different from the rest of us, he has all these odd habits and hobbies that just make me shake my head and wonder where the hell they came from? He has some mildly Autistic behaviors as well so I allow some of the oddness, knowing that to try and force it to stop would be counter to his nature, but there are times it just drives me up the wall. He has at least 100 pipe cleaners. It looks like a giant, technicolor birds nest that no one is allowed to touch. If you take a pipe cleaner and bend it into a cool shape for him, he gets pissed off, so no one touches the pipe cleaners. Music is another thing that has strict rules around him. No one sings "Reaper" by the 100 Monkeys in the house except for him, seriously, brawls have broken out bad enough that I have had to pull over the van when I had it, and separate children who were intent on serious bodily harm. He hates wearing clothes. The minute he hits the door when he gets home from school he is stripping off his clothes. He is skin to wind constantly. Its really annoying when people come over, but its how he likes to be, even when its cold.
We have all adjusted to his habits and behaviors over the years and we are all fiercely loyal and loving towards Sticky. He is my son and their brother. He has a wicked sense of humor that often leaves us all shocked at its complexity, and hes genuinely loving and devoted to all of us, even when we drive him crazy by stealing a pipe cleaner.
When Sticky was born with Downs, it was like getting blindsided by a Mack truck. We had no idea he had it because all the tests had come back normal. The ultrasound showed nothing, none of the blood work showed anything, but in the midst of the horrible delivery, as I was bleeding out and just before the seizure that changed my life, I saw his face and I knew.The last thing I remember saying was,"Oh my God, he has Downs." and seeing the nurses face that told me I was right. Waking up alone in my hospital room a day later with a Social Worker sitting beside my bed telling me about my,"Options" for my baby son who I hadn't even seen since that moment left me feeling like the world had imploded, but the only thing I had to tell her was that the only option I had for him was to come home with me. I gladly took the pamphlets she offered on being the parent of a,"Special Needs Child" and after she left I started unhooking myself from equipment so I could go find my son,(That hospital grew to not like me very much as I tended to do that), and after I caused a bit of a stir amongst the nurses, I was finally taken to see him in the NICU.
Tiny, sickly, but fierce and creating a stir because he had a full head of hair that stuck up all over the place and he was cute as a button, my baby boy looked like a transformer with all the equipment he was hooked up to. For 10 days we were there. It was touch and go for the first few and then he started gaining finally and winning and growing. My little ginger tiger has given me many reasons to worry over the years, but hes not something I regret and hes not something I have ever considered a burden. Hes my son. Hes different. All my kids are different. Hes very high functioning for a Downs kid and hes loved by more than a few people for his kindness, his humor, and his optimism.
When you find out you are going to be a parent, its terrifying. You worry about everything that could go wrong, and truthfully, there are many, and almost none of them are in your control. I did everything right when I was pregnant with Sticky. I didn't drink or smoke and I have never done drugs. I was healthy and active and I followed all the rules, and it all went to hell in the last few months. I developed Pregnancy Induced Hypotension and he had to be delivered early to save my life,but none of the tests had prepared us for him to have Downs or for me to end up with brain damage from the seizure that occurred during delivery.I think Im damn lucky to be alive. I think Im lucky my son is alive. I know my doc saved my life and my ability to have more kids, so im grateful to him. I dont understand how people could ever consider suing for having a child like Sticky, yet there is a family here in Portland that is doing just that, suing the hospital and the doctor because they had a child with Downs. They are suing for "Wrongful Life" and all I can think is what horrible people.I dont often judge people because I dont know the lives they lead and many people dont have it in them to cope with a challenge like parenting a kid like Sticky, but then I have to wonder, how would they cope if one of their,"Normal" kids ended up damaged through an accident? I have had friends that had a baby injured though an accident. The child got strangled on its car seat strap and ended up brain damaged and blind. They didn't toss it away, they kept it and did their best as parents, because that is what you do.
Im not religious. I lost my faith when I was 14 and im not going to go into why, but I believe that you have a duty and an obligation to those dependent on you to protect them and love them and do your best to care for them. Im not the best person in the world, I am atoning for many things, but I know that I did the right thing with Sticky, and I am proud to be his mother and I dont need 3.6 million to make me feel that way.

Dear Roger: Monkey Loving

My kid is a better person than me. I've probably said that before, but really, she is truly and honestly a better person. She sees only the good in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, trusting that they are doing what is best and loving unconditionally, unless they have personally hurt her or someone she loves. After she got over the initial shock of the Monkey boys going their separate ways, she made sure to comfort ME! She seemed to figure out that I was a little bummed out as well, because, yeah, I have to admit it, I have a pretty big soft spot when it comes to those guys. They have been the sunshine in the darkness for us and I freaking hate change, so I guess I was a little mopey as well. I understood the reasoning, because, I gave up something that was just about my sole reason for existing,(I thought), when I realized my little boy needed me more than I needed my police officers badge, so I get it, but its still hard to see things change.
I took her out with me yesterday to get a few groceries and while we were out together, we finally did some talking without the boys breathing down out necks or making fun of us, so I asked her how she was doing? She told me,"Well, I'm still a little sad and I will miss him very much, but I understand why he left.People have lives to live and hes going to be a daddy, and good daddies want to be with their kids, and Jackson will be a good daddy, not like my daddy so he will want to be home, not out all the time and away and concerts are too noisy for babies.He just better quit smoking because that's not good for babies. Jerad will be back and he will take care of things, and im getting used to Ben G. hes big and a little scary and lots of weird, but weird is very good. I will still love Jackson always, and maybe someday I will see him again and I hope he wont forget me because I will never forget him."
It was hard to not tear up in the middle of the damn store. I was so proud of her that I did hug and kiss her and tell her that. Because I had been so worried about her not handling things at all. Its hard when your heroes do things you don't expect. I still think I was traumatized forever by seeing John Wayne die in the "Cowboys". I mean, the man had practically raised me because my father was in Viet Nam for 3 tours and then checked out when he got back, so other than you, when you weren't in Japan or Grandpa, the Duke was my father figure, so seeing him shot and killed (even in a movie), in front of me when I was her age, was horrific and I remember crying so hard that I threw up, but her? She cried, and even seeing a couple of the videos have brought a little grimace of sadness to her face today, but she is doing pretty good all in all. Her favorite boy tweeted out a pic of his babies bits last night, showing that he is having a son, and she was ecstatic! Whooping and hollering and then she stopped and looked pensive for a moment, she was doing the math, calculating how long she has to get done with her Masters degree and get rich before hes an adult.
More gray hairs.
She is getting Baptized this Sunday on her birthday and she has been inviting people,so far no one is coming which really stinks, but I'm going to be there with her monkey and that was really important to her. I told her father, but he had no comment other than to talk about something his nephew was doing. Im going to record it for her and that way she will have the memories of it. She hasn't said much about not getting any cards or anything yet for her birthday, shes just so different from my other kids. When it was Stubbys birthday week, he started in at the beginning and haunted the mailbox daily, and then got angry at me when nothing arrived until the last minute or late, her? its like she has bigger fish to fry, and really, I guess she does, shes rehearsing for her play and shes learning,"March of the Sugarplumb Faries" on the piano. The show is going on.

Dear Roger:Got 99 Problems And A Monkey Is One

Young rock stars are the perpetual teenagers of the entertainment world, they often do things that leave you wondering just what the hell? With seeming no rhyme or reason that makes no sense to their fans, and they don't have to explain themselves because after all, they are what they are, people who are marketing a product, themselves and when they get tired of marketing it and want to move onto bigger and hopefully better things, they often decamp without so much as a "Fuck you all very much, Im going to go do this now." I have lived through it countless times, and I am, in fact pretty immune to it at this point in my life. I do get sad when I hear that a band I enjoy no longer plays live music, but hell, I know how artistic temperaments are, so the fact that people did get together and managed to make wonderful music for a few years without killing each other amazed the hell out of me, especially with some of the flair for the dramatic I have observed in some personalities, my daughter, however, is another story.
She is a relative rookie to how the world of entertainment works. I mean, sure she has seen a few of her favorite cartoon shows get cancelled and she knows what it feels like to see something she treasures come to an end, after all, she was there with me when we watched the ending of Harry Potter and we cried together in the theater like the proud Potter nerds we are, but what happened today took the pain to a whole new level for her and I wasn't ready to have to explain that to her, especially a week before her damn birthday.
I know one, nobody, little, nearly 8 year old child doesn't figure into that kind of decision making when the bigwigs get together and decide to do things, but for fucks sake, what a dick move to make that kind of announcement right now.I was floored when I realized that there really would be no way to keep it from her. I had ordered her some more merchandise from the damn website and while I am delighted that the Bens and Uncle will be keeping it alive, honestly, Ben G freaks her out a little, she doesn't really know that much about Ben J, and while she likes Uncle Larry, she ADORES Jackson and Jerad with all her little heart.
Bless Jerad for sending me the message that he will be coming back from time to time, that is the first thing I showed her when she got home from church. She already knew something bad was up, her brother wouldn't let her on her computer and he was being too nice to her, (a sure tell something BAD had gone on), she was afraid her favorite boy had died so I had to go with with band aid method and just tell her that he had left the band, that they had broken up and were no longer together. The reaction was like she had been slapped.
You know I hate to see my baby cry, right? Heartbroken sobbing with plaintive little,'But why??" followed by "Ill never see them again, I told you!" Just rip my heart to pieces and set it on fire. Even her jerk brothers felt bad for her, so you know it was bad when they go in and give her hugs and try to soothe her. Her older brothers reaction was,"Why do I want to kick someones ass?" Leaves me thinking there may be hope for him as a big brother yet.
Shes hurting. But we talked about it quite a bit and she knows that its really not that bad when you look at it in perspective, after all, Jerad reassuring us that he would be back was hugely comforting to her, and she has the memories of all the great time that they gave her in the past that made such a huge difference to a little girl that had so much pain and sadness for so long by those boys who had brought us to the sunshine.
I dont know what this means for her relationship with her favorite boy as he takes off into new and uncharted territory. The people with the Monkey crew had always been kindly indulgent about getting her little missives to him, but in the big ole Hollyweird machine, I know that things tend to not always be that way. Things and people change, this has been her first lesson in that and while its an ongoing one, I am hoping it wont all be a negative one for her, after all, all her monkeys are still alive and kicking and she knows one that I held dear, isnt, so she knows there are worse things to contemplate.

Dear Roger:My Monkey Girl

I'm going to warn you now, I'm going to be in a mopey mood for the next couple of weeks, but I think I have a good reason, my baby is soon to turn 8. That may not seem like much of a big deal to most people, but to me, it is because I can see changes in her. She has always been an,"Old Soul", wise beyond her years, and with her intelligence far above that of an average 8 year old, she does things differently, but she has always managed to retain that somewhat youthful spirit and she had stayed away from the things that seemed to be the benchmarks of a little girl growing up, but lately, I have noticed a shift.
Since she was a small, small, girl she has adored the same boy. His grinning mug adorns the walls around her bedroom and whenever he showed up on tv or anywhere, the world stopped so she could watch and listen. If anyone said a cross word about him, she flew to his defense and there was hell to pay and often blood drawn. She was fierce and loyal and stalwart in her love and devotion, but a couple of days ago something happened, something that shocked us all, and left me wondering what to do? She was playing some educational game with her brother and they were conducting a an interview of each other and one of the questions was,"Who is your favorite actor?" I wasn't really paying too close of attention to what was going on until she said,(without hesitation),"Dan Radcliffe". The entire room stopped, and I swear you could have heard the sound made when a needle is drawn sharply across a record. Her older brother fell off the couch on to the floor as if shot, Stubby jumped up and ran over to feel her head and began asking if she was okay, and I just stared at her. Even Sticky was stunned.
She looked at us like we were all crazy. "I've seen ONE of Jackson's movies because mom says the others are too ADULT,(got the little sarcastic air quotes going for that), I loved AIM HIGH, but I'm Sorry, Harry Potter has been around my whole life and Dan Rad is awesome. I love Jackson as my favorite singer!" Chance was still laying in the floor as if he was in shock so she stomped over and kicked him before stomping off to her room and slamming the door, offended that we were acting so stunned. I went in later and she was laying in her bed, cuddling her stuffed monkey and still sniffling."I do love him! Dont say I dont! I just like Dan Rad too." I told her it was perfectly fine and normal, and that its the job of brothers to tease and harass little sisters and that she should be used to it by now.
She gives as good as she gets in the teasing and harassing department and she cuts the boys no slack when it comes to their disgusting habits. She has come stomping out of the bathroom, ire all over her face as she hunts up the miscreant who was last in the bathroom to yell at them about learning to aim or flush the toilet, or to not leave their fouled underwear in the bathroom along with wet towels. I drew the line when the day when she caught Sticky peeing with the seat down, smacked him in the back of the skull, made him stop peeing, lifted the seat after she made him wipe it off and then let him finish and angrily castigated him about forgetting to flush and wash his hands.Stubby told me this tale and warned me that she was acting like she was the ,"Boss" of the family. Maybe not the boss, more like the assistant zookeeper. She complains to me about the boys being,'Weird and gross" and she helps to keep them in line, but even she has her moments of savagery and keeping clothes on her is an ongoing project. Half the time she wanders around the house in her monkey panties, a set of skull crusher headphones and that monkey of hers hanging around her neck, or if shes feeling really creative, she wears her monkey beanie over the headphones.
She is getting older and she has started getting interested in older girl things, and there have been rumblings about hair cuts and dyeing and ear piercings and shes always asking about a tattoo,(my bad),and when she dresses to go out, she dresses like a punk rocker. She has developed an affinity for Bettie Page dresses and heels and quite often when we do go out, she is wearing her heels, carrying a small purse, and wearing a hat and gloves like someone from the 50's, though she is wearing garishly bright socks that quite often have skulls on them. I don't try to stifle her style and I have told her older brother to leave her alone, though there are nights he has angrily texted me from their ride to church about allowing her to go looking like a,'Suicide Girl in training". If he had his way, she would be back in the traditional second grade, wearing only little girl dresses, no monkeys, no computers, no music and a lot less attitude. He disagrees with her being in the advanced classes online where she is now taking some 4th grade level work and moving quickly though her lessons, he disagrees with her being allowed to go to concerts where she has fraternized with little rock stars and holds them to be her heroes,(though maybe not her favorite actor as of yet), he disagrees with her being allowed to listen to music like Golgol Bordello and Adam Ant. He thinks shes defiant and cocky and too smart for her own good and headed down the wrong path and soo many other things that he just really found fit to complain about,in spite of the fact that her one major request for her birthday was to be BAPTIZED on it,(which will be happening), but I think what it comes down to, it this, hes trying to be the big brother, the substitute father because for more than half her life she has had none, and hes realizing that she is doing quite well on her own. She is succeeding and growing and rising above it all.He tries to use our poverty and stress as an excuse for not getting his school work done, and the other day she called him on it. She said,"You just ate 8 eggs and the last of the bread, I have had half of a bagel and some koolade. I know whats going on just as much as you do. I'm doing my schoolwork. I have 8 classes in a day, you have 6, if you didn't gripe at mom so much, you would have more time to get stuff done." My baby girl always has my back, even when she is mad at me. Shes always been like that. Shes always been team mom. I don't know how much longer that will last, and I savor it like the last days of a perfect summer, because I know things change and she will eventually see me like the rest of them do, a pain in the ass that cramps her style, but for now, I am second in her heart to that monkey and I will take it.

Dear Roger: Having Kids Will Make You Crazy

I think I am evidence enough of that, but last night was one of those moments when I have to wonder, are some of those,"Missing" people simply parents who had a moment where they looked at what their formerly sweet little bundle of joy had done, realized that it was just too much for their sanity to handle, walked to the door, opened it, stepped out, started walking and just kept on going?
Child rearing is not for pussies. Yes, that is crass, forgive me. I spent a great part of last night scooping shit out of a commode so it didn't spew up at me as I attempted,(in vain), to plunge it down so the ONE toilet in our apartment would resume functioning after Sticky had, once again flushed something not meant to be flushed and then Stubby had seen fit to deposit a huge poop in it right afterwards. Couldn't find the number for the after hours maintenance, and didn't want to call them anyway because, obviously it was my kids fault and I cant afford the call out fee. When the plunger broke, I may have actually invented some new curse words. I ended up calling my eldest son who was at his girlfriends birthday party, and asked him to please find a plunger to bring home with him when he returned.
He showed up about an hour later with a plunger, and though he has a vastly weaker stomach than me, he bravely went in and began trying to help. Between the two of us, we began to work on clearing it and after about a half hour we had it sort of functioning again. I am still going to have to have the maintenance guy either loan me the pipe snake or come in and snake it for us to pull out whatever was dropped down there. This wasn't the first time this has happened.Sticky is a notorious toilet killer. He used to flush things like Superballs and because they are exactly the perfect size to fit into the bed in the bowl, that was death to the entire commode and meant replacement. He also killed cell phones, flash lights, key fobs to fancy keys that cost a couple hundred bucks to replace,his fathers lighters, tobacco(both kinds), and whatever else he encountered laying around. Hes not alone in this hobby, kids seem to get off on it and I have heard other friends horror stories about things their kids have flushed, up to and including, money into the hundreds of dollars, jewelry and so on. Forget having cool stuff when you have kids. You have kids now, that's your,"Cool Stuff" I guess is what they are trying to say.
My small daughter has caused her fair share of insanity inducing moments as well. She had the nickname,"Killer" when she was a toddler. She was hell on things like electronics, breakables, and fish, especially my eldest sons pet gold fish that he had managed to grow to a freakishly huge size of over 8 inches! It was a cool fish that would come up to the front of the tank and even interact with you, until daughter dumped an entire can of fish food into his tank not once, but twice. She unplugged the heater for his lizards terrarium, and then to add to the fun, she dumped an entire glass of sweet tea on one of my laptop computers, knocked over a ceramic bowl of mine, sending it smashing to the floor into shrapnel, but the worst of all her insanity inducing behaviors was the fact that she was a flight risk. She walked away from a baby sitter that my ex had dropped her off at right before he was arrested for taking a straight razor to me. She was missing for several hours out in an area of Flagstaff that was just full of stock tanks, large dogs, horses, registered sex offenders,abandoned mines and caves. She was around 2 years old and a cute little curly blonde haired baby girl that could have easily vanished forever, but a Mexican woodcutter who had found me in the middle of the road hysterically stopping people begging for help finding her,had gone and searched with his wife until they had found her wandering along the side of the road they said looking up at nothing but talking away to someone. The Mexican man was convinced she was talking to her guardian angel. I'm not ashamed to say I gave thanks to God, that angel that Mexican family and the sheriffs deputy who stopped me from beating the hair off the baby sitter when I got back to her house and found that she had calmly gone back to dying her hair like nothing was going on. She has always been a bit of a handful. I've faced a lot of my fears for that child, I handled a heart problem and gestational diabetes,during the pregnancy as well as an emergency c-section and an infection that nearly took us both out, sickness and stress worrying if she was going to live and then coming home to a hell that had only gotten worse, but kids...what can you do? She made up for it by potty training faster than anybody else, crying less and being a sweet and fun baby for me to raise so far, though she is willful and the leader of most of the chaos that goes on in the house.
My middle son, he was my easiest pregnancy and such a sweet baby that just couldn't eat anything. We had to replace carpets, furniture, clothes, and have cars steamed cleaned repeatedly because of him. His nick name was,'Spew boy" because he could projectile vomit over 4 feet and he could scream for hours on end. I spent more time at the doctors office, hospital, and just trying to find out what was wrong with him than I did with any of my other kids, but nothing seemed to work or help and luckily, eventually, it passed and he became able to keep food down.
I laugh when I see or read articles by people who call themselves parenting experts when they have one kid who is maybe a toddler. I don't call myself an expert and I have 4 kids ranging in age from 16 to 8 and one of them has Downs Syndrome, one is a Genius and I have worked to raise them on a single moms income with no child support, an ex who tends to throw a monkey wrench into the works more than he helps and no vehicle. I might be an expert on feeding and clothing them on a shoestring budget and helping them to not get into trouble, be decent human beings and succeed in life, but I don't consider myself an expert at much else. I can tell you the best way to get poop out of a heater vent at 3 am on a Winters morning, or vomit off the wall behind the commode, or when its best to just throw the car seat in the dumpster along with the child's clothes and diaper, but that you NEVER, EVER, EVER, THROW AWAY THE STUFFIE! they remember that shit and it will haunt you I have recovered Jackson so damn often that I am forever seen as a hero in my little girls eyes for that if nothing else. I'm an expert in that I will tell you to always carry extra wipes,even when they are toddlers,and that carry a towel inn your car at all times, get that hand held sprayer for the shower because you will need it other than to make up for your lack of sex life. Ziplock baggies should be carried at all times. Anybody that smokes around a kid is a dick who deserves to be punched in the throat. Music is your friend, use it, kids love it. Learn to be silly, kids are your excuse for it, use it. Being poor is okay, but you don't have to be a poor parent, kids only care that you try hard.

Dear Roger: Memories Of Music

I have been listening to a band that is fairly new to me quite a bit lately and I was trying to figure out why the music made me so damn happy and then the song that I linked to this blog came up in the play list and it hit me, taking me back to late March 1990 and the Persian holiday of Nowruz.
In my early 20's I lived in the Dallas Metroplex and went to the University of Texas, while there and I met and fell head over heels in love with an Iranian research scientist who was not only a Mensa member, he was a gifted musician in both voice and violin and a very popular member of the huge Iranian expat community of both Dallas and Houston. He could hear a song once and play it back perfectly, and he had a vocal range that should have had him singing professionally. We were an odd couple to say the least, but we had a wonderful time attending parties, traveling around Dallas to visit his friends and going to movies where I would describe to him what was going on, because, he was blind, and had been since he was 26. He could tell the difference between light and dark, but that was it, other than that he was blind, but he was fully capable of getting around in all kinds of ways.
The community he belonged to was the predominantly Christian and Zoroastrian and Domi Iranian community. They were viewed with suspicion by the Muslims in the area and my ex-husband tended to want to end him. I kept my relationship with him a secret for quite a while for his safety, but when late March rolled around, I was at his apartment when he got a phone call and it turned out he was being summoned to Houston to perform at a party. This happened to coincide with Spring Break so we decided to make an adventure of it. The people summoning him paid all his expenses and that meant a rental car and hotels for the drive down as well as food for us, so it was a free vacation and little did I know at the time, a life changing event for both of us.
We toured Fredricksburg, Austin, San Antonio, and Houston where we arrived at the gates of a house/mansion? that was amazing. The people who welcomed us in were some of the most kind and gracious people I had ever met and they ended up throwing the most fantastic party I have ever attended. The music, the dancing, the fire jumping, the swords and the alcohol of all kinds along with God knows what else,was amazing. I remember the crowd yelling,"Chief! Chief!" every time he would start singing songs that either made the laugh or cry and he could make that violin alternately break your heart or make it race. I wasn't left out to stand in the corner by myself, the odd person out, I was drug into the middle of it and made to feel part of a large family because everyone there was a refugee and though most of them were richer than God, they knew the feeling of being strangers in a strange place.
That music takes me back to that time. I was in my young 20's a vastly different person than I am now, as many people in their early 20's tend to be. That Nowruz changed me in many ways, and me and my Persian musician went different directions. I think of him often, especially when I see my oldest daughter and I see his smile and dimples.
I think of him often, and that week we spent and Im grateful for musics ability to take me back to that time, it was one of the very happiest times in my life.

Dear Roger;My Wanderlust Left Without Me

I actually left the property yesterday and went and had coffee with a friend. Other than brief shopping excursions for necessities such as groceries, its the first time I have left the property in a couple of months. What the hell has happened to me? I used to GO all the damn time. I would never just stay around the house and be a sedentary person. I always have been a bit of a misanthrope, but I would go wandering on my own and go and see and do, but I hardly ever do that anymore. I think its the kids, having kids ropes you down. Having kids with no transportation, and no money damn sure slows the world down for you. It is an ordeal to go anywhere with my crew and since I am still trying to catch up all the financial messes that the ex left for me, it is just not easy to even fathom going anywhere.I want to go to my high school reunion so badly it hurts, but I just don't see how that is going to happen, especially with gas now hitting 5 bucks a gallon. I was planning on driving and making a mad dash through Arizona to collect a few things from storage that I needed to get, but the cost would just be out of my reach, especially with Stevie's birthday coming up and me wanting to really give her a nice one this time around.
She wants to get Baptized for her birthday. Gotta say, that kinda threw me for a loop. Shes a religious lil kid and I guess that's a good thing, maybe that will counterbalance the willfulness and the temper as she gets older. She is a very strong willed child, I think that goes along with the being super intelligent and the baby of the family. She is rocketing through much of the 3rd grade material in her new school, inn fact its more work for me to keep up with navigating her through all the parental logins and testing controls than it is for her to do the stuff. We have had quite a few discussions on various topics like Manifest Destiny, the Oregon Trail, Geometry and Symmetry, Minerals, and Bullying on the internet. The Internet part has been really interesting for her, she loves having a twitter and a Facebook and so far she has been really good with them. I have tired to make sure she isn't annoying people on there, but there are a couple of people she loves more than a little and she enjoys seeing them pop up in her feed and every now and then she will tweet out at them hoping to hear back, (like the thousands of other little fangirls),and the other night, SHE DID! I about fell off the couch when Jerad Anderson responded to her. Her shriek of happiness about caused her brother to have a heart attack as well and it was very cute to see her beaming face. It was a kind thing for him to do and yet another reason I support that band. She hasn't heard from her favorite boy yet, but she doesn't mind, she knows hes a busy man with a lot on his plate and she just gets excited and happy to see him show up online, and that was what prompted the lecture about bullying. She has seen some of the hateful comments directed towards that boy and his woman, and it distressed her. I told her that, that kind of behavior goes on all over the place because the internet gives cowards a voice that they wouldn't have otherwise. I explained to her about how there are small people with small lives who get jealous of others and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to try and tear down someone who is happy.She has been bullied at school, (until she fought back and started smacking up on people), so she knows that if you stand out or are different, or get attention that other people don't, it makes you a target, so she grasped that really quickly.
She loves having the ability to communicate with so many people and when people talk back to her, it makes her day.
We have been keeping busy around the house tormenting her older brother with a band that is new to us, "GolGol Bordello", the little kids and I absolutely love them, but for some reason, my eldest son cant stand them and it offends him that my daughter wanders through the house singing ,'Start Wearing Purple". Hes been on my case for months to listen to different music, and but the thing is, what he wants me to listen to and what I like are sooo far apart as to not be even in the same galaxy. I loathe Little Wayne, to the point I have unplugged speakers and threatened to throw them out the door into the rain, yet I come home yesterday and I find that for some reason my Youtube is suggesting I would like some of his other videos because I had listened to some of his crap previously? I think its time to change my computers password to something like my daughter has, its long as hell and when he asked for it so he could work on her computer he groaned and said,"Oh no way in hell! Im NOT typing that!" yeah...maybe shes got the right idea. Either way, if I leave the property again anytime soon, it will be with some good tunes in my pocket and hopefully the will to wander just a little further up the road, I think I need to .

Dear Roger: Indulge The Monkey Habit

I indulge my kids as best I can, everybody who knows me, knows that. I am more permissive than my some of my friends think is acceptable, and they are fairly convinced that my allowing my children to read, listen to or see some of the things they love and hold dear; is the sure fire path to hell. I don't agree and I think its actually really served them well.I was allowed fairly free rein as a child to read what I wanted, and I remember getting my first Stephen King book around the age of 12 and realizing that there were people out there who enjoyed getting the snot scared out of them just as much as I did, and it made me feel less like an outcast. You taking me to art galleries and strange movies and talking to me about music like Pink Floyd and the Talking Heads as well as introducing me to all kinds of ideas that there was a would full of people with different beliefs beyond what I found in that small town, was my salvation. You sparked my curiosity and made me question everything and hunger for more. I remember carrying home stacks of books that I read all summer long on your suggestion, just so I would be grounded in the classics and aware of what people were talking about when they made some vague reference to something or someone in a song or a movie and you got me to try different types of food and meet all kinds of people, helping me to realize that differences went beyond black and white and brown, that there were cultures so rich and vibrant and colorful that I would one day spend half a decade living amongst them and have a child who was a beautiful blend of both worlds.
I do my best to show my kids the same world you showed me. I give them books and access to things that sometimes may be a bit on the mature side, and they are aware of the reality of our lives. I dont hide from them the fact that money is tight and often lacking, when we are low on food or they want something I cant get for them, I tell them the truth so they are aware that life isnt always easy and while we might have it tough sometimes, we actually have it better than 2/3's of the world. We talk, we argue, we debate, and we discuss concepts that many families avoid talking about because they are uncomfortable, but we cant. Being the parent of a child with special needs who is entering puberty, I have already had to deal with some difficult situations and having,"The Talk" about appropriate public behavior with 4 kids ranging in age from nearly 8 to 16, was not fun and my eldest son was ready to put an end to the almost 12 year old, but it got the point across. My eldest son is very rigid in is moral code and at times its almost annoying. He is very anti-smoking, anti-drinking, anti-drug(thank God), and he is against premarital sex. Some how I have a son who is pretty much a textbook straightedger and he makes no bones about it. He says its just being a good Christian and living what he believes, but he gets on my case about cussing or listening to anything that has cussing in it, he gets on his siblings cases for sitting around in their underwear,(especially his sister), and he tells her to act more,"Ladylike". We had an argument the other day about me letting her watch some videos he felt were inappropriate, but she countered that he couldn't really find anything other than implied masturbation and violence that could possibly be inappropriate for her. She is a fierce debater when it comes to defending her Monkey fella, and that was the crux of the whole argument, her brother was on her case about that again and I think he was just bored and looking to fire her up. It got pretty heated and I just refereed, and eventually, she won, but he really has become quite a prude and she told me the other day,"Mom, you know how you said if anything happened to you that he would have to take over raising me?" I told her that was correct. She said,"Well, could you please find anyone else or tell them I could raise myself? Please?! Hes such a jerk he has already said he would pull of Jacksons head and I wouldn't be able to go to anymore concerts!" Brothers...I swear, the boy is enough to make me forget I speak English some days. Hes got a good heart and I know he loves her to death and that he was just saying that to get her goat, but I want to thump him in the ear.
Hes actually pretty proud of her right now, we just got word yesterday that after evaluating her coursework, looking at her test scores and what she is reading and other factors, the new school is placing Stevie in the 3rd grade with Gifted programming and 4th grade language arts. She is thrilled about that and even more excited to be getting her online access to a yoga class. She intends to force me and her brother to participate.Speaking of online, I caved and set her up a Facebook and a twitter account and I have begun teaching her netiquette. She is a quick learner and was over the moon to be able to compose her first tweet, which of course was not to me, but to her most favorite person in the universe. As always, I am playing second fiddle to a monkey.

Dear Roger: Monkey On The 'Net

So now my daughter is doing the home/internet based school and this has led to some interesting moments. She is extremely tech savvy and she has an almost photographic memory, and in many ways, that is a bad, bad thing. She saw my log in to my computer once, I left for work and came back, she was on my computer and surfing the net. I asked her brother if he had logged her on and he said that he hadn't, she tells me, "Oh, not I did it, I just put in your log in and password."She had been back to several websites she ha been to with me several weeks previous and she had managed to almost figure out twitter. That will be a heart attack moment.
She is an extremely social child, but most kids her age bore the hell out of her. I have had to remind her time and time again that its not polite to roll her eyes or to tell another child that something they enjoy is for babies. She doesn't play with Barbies or normal toys like most kids and she rarely watched cartoons, so she really doesn't have a common ground to talk to many of the kids she was going to with on. She has lived a little harsher life with more difficult things going on in it , so she is emotionally and mentally more mature than many kids her age and she prefers to talk to older kids and adults. Shes also been picked on for being,"Weird" because she is dramatic and she is brash and she not afraid to get up on a stage and sing or perform and that tends to annoy kids.
On the Pajama reading day she took Jackson to school with her so she would have someone to read to. It was condoned by the school and many kids were bringing a friend along. She has brought Jackson a few times in the past and he is her go to for all trips and comfort needed excursions,and its pretty evident to anyone who sees her with him that he is well loved. Some punk ass kid, she wouldn't say who, slapped him out of her hands and into a mud puddle.He got covered in filth and the teacher, bless her heart for trying to be compassionate, helped my daughter recover the mucky, sopping wet with mud, monkey and then, she washed him. Stevie was bereft when she got home. Not only was he still wet, she mourned the fact he had been,"De-sweatted" . Mind you, I had to keep a straight face while dealing with all of this, telling her that the spirit of the event still lurked, while I was busy using a hair dryer to carefully, under her watchful eye so he didn't get his monkey butt burned, dry off the monkey with a hair dryer. She is better off doing the internet based school. No one here,(except maybe her brother), will torture her monkey, or tease her and she is rapidly learning how to reach out to the outside world to build new friendships that have her excited and curious about all kinds of things.
She has her own Facebook page now, we made it yesterday, borrowing her older brothers birthyear, which amused her, and then spending a couple of hours together just setting up the different things.She got so she could log on and enter her password and get to the page almost as fast as me. She is so damn clever that I will have to really keep an eye on the computer to make sure shes not plotting total world domination via Facebook when shes not doing schoolwork.
The first thing she did was go to that boys page and,"Like" it. I had to explain to her about how some pages are pages you can talk to people on and others a just pages where you can tell them you like them. She scoffed and said,"Well he already knows I like him! I want to tell him to come to Portland!"
Did I tell you Rog, I pretty much went fully gray yesterday?

Dear Roger: No Meltdowns Allowed In Front Of The Teenager

Okay, I will admit it, I get lonely, damn lonely. The kind of lonely where you wish just anyone would call, come by, tweet, text or somehow aknowledge they know you exist. Yes, I know I have kids who do that for me on a daily basis, and that is great, I love my kids, we all know that they are what I live for, but as much as I tend to eschew them, a Goddamned hug from a another human being sure would be nice from time to time. The touch of a man would be even better. Yeah, its Valentines Day and between that and all the typical B/S and stress in my life, that has me all out of whack and Im having a huge ole pity party of epic proportions.
Chance made the mistake of asking me what was wrong yesterday when I came in from work,and sat down at the table looking, I guess to him, more disconsolate that usual. I had just observed one of our more unpleasant residents, a rather large woman of dubious personal hygiene and less than pleasant personality,telling her new boyfriend goodbye. I dont get it.She doent work, she smokes and drinks and looks like she crawled out of a rag bag in her pajamas and flip flops on a daily basis, yet she has a man? Am I doing it wrong? Should I quit showering regularly? Stop shaving my legs and other areas and just wear my house clothes constantly? Im one of the few parents dressed in street clothes at the bus stop in the morning, maybe that should change. I should start sleeping in til the last minute and then stand there with a cigarrett and yell into my cell phone, ignoring my kids while we wait, maybe that is what passes for attractive up here? Anyway, I had witnessed that and It was just another shot to me, another bit of reality that I am alone when it seems all those around me have some one.
My relationships have never been perfect. I've had a few decent ones, a few fun ones and a few nightmares, and sadly, the nightmares have left the most lasting marks, physically, but the decent one that left the deepest mark on my emotionally, is probably the crux of the problem. When you love someone who holds your heart with the hint of ,"In Time", its hard to walk away. I hated being in love. Its a very lonely feeling and I have worked hard to not be, but just seeing that person or hearing his voice or even getting a,'Hey, how are you?" email, can overwhelm all my defenses and leave me helplessly devastated for days. No one will ever be him, and when I hold all men to that standard, they fail. I thought that maybe being alone was my best option, but when you find yourself starved for some form of physical affection, or human contact, that you feel like you are going to go insane or that you are starving to death emotionally from the lack of the one nutrient that no one wants to provide someone so damaged and hard to love, its a horrible feeling. I try to soldier on through, but I find myself having a harder and harder time lately. I never thought I would be so alone at this point in my life, and while much of it is of my own design, I just wish for once there was a reason to believe in happy endings or white knights.

Dear Roger: You Dont Know What You've Got Til Its Gone

So the entertainment world lost yet another one to the grinding self-abuse machine that is the cult of celebrity yesterday. I am not going to sugar-coat my opinion of what happened to her because she had been very open about her struggles with substance abuse. Its horrible and sad because she has a child, but what is worse is the entire double standard that allows people who have money and fame to escape entanglements that would call them to task for their fuckery and perhaps save their lives. I dont mean to say that the legal system is a great source of rehabilitation for someone with substance abuse issues, but its better than nothing, better than it being brushed under the rug or some high priced rep covering for them until the worst happens.
The regular news carries the celebrity nonsense now, so I see and hear about who gets yet another slap on the wrist for getting caught with yet more cocaine or crank, or busted for drunken driving and then spending maybe 80 minutes in some holding cell at lock up with their expensive bottled water and snacks while the pap rats bay for them outside.They walk out to their waiting 60k Suv's while poor kids are fed into the meat grinder of the legal system for the same charge and left to languish for weeks because they dont have the name or the hook of fame. I wonder how many of those kids watched those celebs get off time and time again and thought they would get the same deal? I remember being a campus cop in Northern AZ and being told not to stop certain cars or people because they were friends of the college president or visiting celebrities, and if they were drunk or behaving badly, we were supposed to just escort them home and maintain radio silence. You get the justice you can afford and sometimes that is a bad thing in both directions.
Artsy personalities are difficult folk, you and I both know that one in spades. Watching friends destroy their lives with drugs when I was younger is perhaps all that saved me from it. When I was in Dallas I ran with some rich and powerful people and I did some really fucked up things. It was a different life and a different time. I had access to things that I had never had access to before and let me tell you, I indulged and it was often pretty damn fun and entertaining.I do know that its possible to go over 120mph on Beltline at 3 in the morning with a car full of people. I know all kinds of places in North Richland Hills to hide from cops or where if you are in the right kind of vehicle, they just look the other way. I lived to grow up with minimal scars, some of my friends didn't.
I guess I really saw the cost of drugs in the mid-90's when I watched a boy I was friends with, a very talented guitarist, get hooked on heroin. Will lived in the small Arizona town I worked in as an Emt and he hated every minute of living there. He was biding his time until he had enough money saved to get out and then he was headed to L.A., but the problem was, he developed a habit. I dont know when it started, but the change that came over him was dramatic. He never had been a big guy and he was always pale, but when he saddled that horse, he got even more so. He stopped eating which was horrible for a diabetic and I ended up having to run on him as an EMT, that is how I found out about his habit. Drugs dont take long to eat someone who already has health problems and it only took about 6 months before we lost Will. A combination of too much heroin and too little insulin left him in a coma that he never came out of and he never left Arizona.
I've lost more than a few people to stupidity, killed either by their own hand or through the drunken/drugged insanity of others and it has left scars that will never heal. I've watched others struggle with it, and I know the signs well enough that I often watch for names on the news with trepidation. I was a huge Stevie Ray Vaughn fan, my baby girls name is evidence enough of that, she is named for him and my ex's best friend who was a Hells Angel so she we often say she was named for a Hells Angel and a helluva Texas Bluesman). I am not someone who names my kids after someone lightly, but he meant so much to me growing up. I can hear the first notes of anything he played and it takes me to memories that keep me going. I know he struggled mightily, and I was so proud to see him win and persevere and finally pull his life together. I was looking forward to seeing him in concert and then one day, I was sitting on my couch watching the news and he was just...gone.I admit it, I cried hard. I still cant listen to songs like,"Life By The Drop " without choking up some.
We lost so many so young, Freddie Mercury was another tragedy that broke my heart in many ways and still does as does Michael Hutchence and Kurt Cobain. Not all substance abuse, but struggles with a life that gets beyond control and overindulged. Sometimes too much of a good thing is too much and folks need a big ole adult time out to remind them that they belong in the real world and have real rules to live by, it just might save their lives. Kindness and compassion and understanding are important, not constantly demanding to know every little thing and maybe, just maybe , being grateful that when you see their name in the news its for life and not death.