Dear Roger: You Wont See Me Picking Up Any Stones

Well, Well, Well! Its just been a busy little week around here now hasn't it? I swear if one more person asks me how my little girl took the news I am going to just issue a press release for her. She was ecstatic. In fact she bounced, a lot. I don't think I have ever heard the word ,"Cute" stretched out soo far. Shes not quite 8. Shes not going to be heartbroken, she loves that boy more like a father figure than anything else. The only thing that got her upset was seeing some of the ugly things people were saying. That made her cry. She doesn't understand why people get upset at things they have no damn business getting upset or involved in. Only people have any business saying anything would be parents, not random fangirls. I finally blocked a few people and kept her off the net for a bit. I managed to distract her by allowing her to start playing with filming things, and unfortunately she likes interviewing and questioning me. She begged and cajoled me into allowing her to film me for a few minutes and her and her older brother uploaded it to my YouTube account. I gave in and posted it to Facebook so my family could see. Its the first they have seen or heard of me in over a year. I'm still the family black sheep so im not sure how it will be received.
My son gave me the raised eyebrow over this whole bit of drama that transpired over the past few days and he finally said,"Well, im waiting for the lecture about how you would cut them off and wear them for earrings if I ever did anything like that." I just smiled at him and said,"My work is done." But then we really did have a talk about things and how really, I am not one to judge. I brought home a Lebanese Shiite Muslim for my 1st husband and it lasted for 5 years before we divorced and then I had a kid with and Iranian rocket scientist who I didn't marry.I was a train wreck through the 90's with one failed relationship after another and alcohol was my best friend. I have lived my life reveling in being the black sheep, the weirdo and the tattooed, pierced, difficult child of dubious sexual proclivities. I was lucky to not end up at the bottom of Lake Ray Hubbard, I ran with a man who met 13 of Hares 21 characteristics of a serial killer in the mid 90's and I ended up with a son out of it and in hiding for 14 years. I was a cop who could out drink Marines and who partied with Hells Angels and I had a death wish that came damn close to getting granted a few times. I have known very nice, wonderful, classy people that I feel honored to have called my friends and I have known stone cold killers that still leave me wondering why they left me breathing. I drank, screwed and fought my way though most of my life, but I never, ever, did drugs and that was my one saving grace. I have spent the years since my kids came along, atoning for my past fuckery and trying to be a better person. I don't have much faith in God because God has always seemed to enjoy taking away those I love and need the most, when I most need them, so I tend to have a hate/hate relationship with him, but I don't share that with my kids. I send my kids to church and my daughter seems to have landed on his good side.She prays a lot, mainly for that boy, and often for me, but never for anything for herself. She is truly a decent kid. My son tells me that because I have always been very open and honest with him about what I was like as a kid and the mistakes I made, that he actually has learned and from it and he doesn't want to make those mistakes. I'm a good, bad example and I am good with that.I tell him not to judge, people have lives that they keep quiet and don't share with the world for a reason. Lots of people don't understand why I do the job I do, but i am not my job, its just a means to an end. Its not who I am. My kids are who I am and what I am all about.
My son tells me that hes glad hes able to talk to me about things and that his friends know they have a safe haven here. Things are coming to a head with one of his friends and I am going to end up caught in the middle and its going to be terrible, but I wont see a kid on the street because hes gay. The parents are very conservative religious to the point they have blocks on the tv and internet, blocks on what he has been allowed to read and talk about. His whole life has been strictly indoctrinated to believe that what he is is an abomination and hes at the age where he knows that hes been told wrong.He talks to me quite a bit about things and I know he is stressed and frustrated and deeply angry at his parents. They sent him to a private school thinking it would cut off all contact with the social media and world around him, and instead, it expanded it. He wants more. I've seen him with another boy and he actually looked happy for the first time in years. His father would lose his mind.Hes been hinting at it for years, but I was the first one to pick up on it and when I asked, he didn't deny.I made sure he knew he had support, no matter what. My son seems to be accepting of it, though he has made really sure his friend isn't attracted to him, unlike the other boy who is attracted to my son.Its a huge damn mess and I worry about all of them, but I keep an eye on them and I make sure that they eat and have a warm place to get in out of the cold and that they aren't drinking or doing drugs. I also let them know I am always willing to listen or talk if they need. I keep the booze out of the house, as well as the cigarrets.
It feels sometimes like I have turned into a good two shoes in my old age, I don't drink, and reading the comments and tweets from moms who are home with kids and constantly talking about all the drinking they are doing, kinda freaks me out. I mean, I could not imagine trying to deal with my brood drunk, they would thrash the world. I remind them to stay healthy and to make good choices, much like I try to do myself. Being a parent is a life changing and deeply personal event. It can evoke a change at a fundamental level in a person and it either makes or break you. Mine didn't really occur until my daughter was born and we both nearly died. She was unwanted by her father, I was facing a war at home, and I changed inside. I found my reason, everybody eventually does, and no one has the right to say what form a persons reason will take and when they will find it. Mine saved me from myself and from a doomed life and for that I am grateful every day I share the sunshine with her and the rest of my kids.

Dear Roger: Who Picked Out The Color Scheme? Monkeys? Funny You Should Ask...

My decor has issues. Right now my 7ft long, black,(but oh how I wish it was brown bomber leather with wood framing, couch, has two furry bodies on it. One, a teen boy who knows how much I hate it when he sleeps on my couch in his shorts and wife beater and sweats into the cloth, and the other? The long-haired, shedding,grey and dilute tabby(most certainly NOT BLACK),cat that the ex abandoned with us. Spencer is at least asleep on the floor for now, though once there is room, he will quickly try to gain a spot on the couch. I have crimson accent pillows on the couch. The son wanted purple.I cant say I am a fan of purple. I like red and since I was buying them, red won. I have a nice, dark wood coffee table that I got at a garage sale from a Russian lady who also cut me a smoking deal on an old battered trunk and ceramic sculpture that I liked.
I have what may or may not be a Stickley chair that the kids refer to as,"The ugly--assed, butt killing, hobbit seat" and another antique steamer trunk in the living room that our tv sits on. We have hats and metal wings and a cross and mirrors and concert posters all over the place, and monkeys...there are fucking monkeys EVERYWHERE.
They are not really noticeable at first, but once you hang out for a bit, you start to notice them. My Texas star in the dining room has a small plastic monkey climbing up it, and my daughter has managed to stick monkey stickers,(courtesy of a friend of mine), on most any surface you could think of. There are sock monkeys hanging out in odd places like my boots, and then there are pictures and concert posters for the band the 100 Monkeys all over the place. Even the boys room is not unscathed.
I used to be very organized with my color schemes in my dwellings, I like burgandys and earth tones and woods and the like and even leather and just natural looking colors and materials that almost seem as if I was trying to lure in a man with a man cave style trap. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, but I liked it. Now though? My home is an explosion of noise and a riot of colors. There is a monkey shower curtain! My black shower curtain was taken down and hidden and there are monkeys climbing palm trees over a PURPLE rug in my bathroom. A purple rug? Yeah...my towels dont even match anymore. I was told that was,"Boring". I have blues in all shades and a khaki, and a green and then it deteriorates from there into PINKS and TURQUOISE! and the hand towels are blood red with black wash clothes. I miss my black towels.
I have to share a room with my daughter. I have a red comforter from Ikea and some plaid sheets, occasionally some black or red ones slip into the mix, but her? She mixes and matches and she has some she calls,"Monkey fur", they are brown and they are polar fleece, they dont match her Paul Frank monkey face comforter that is an absolute riot of colors. She has pictures of that boy,(Jackson Rathbone) all over the room, and her monkeys and her art supplies are everywhere. I had to toss paint brushes and her monkey out of my bed the other night so I could go to sleep, she was not pleased to find him not tucked in properly,(I feared for my safety), so I made sure to apologize...to the gnarly stuffed monkey. There are bandannas and boots and drawings and now, worst of all? GLITTER! GLITTER ON MY STUFF! She is making him a Valentine. Its huge. Its currently all over my damn desk, displacing my wireless printer and my books. She has an easel, but its not good enough. Glitter...Did I mention I am glitter phobic? She got it on her older brother the other day. I didn't tell him. I enjoyed a private laugh all day long.
The boys room has dragons and super heroes and monkeys and Spencer Bell posters in it, along with bright orange sheets and purple blankets.
I guess I shouldn't complain, when the ex was here, he hated all the,"Weird crap" we had all over the place and the monkeys and the mirrors and clocks annoyed him. That was wonderful. He wouldn't let me paint the house when we were together. When he went away, I walked through the house painting every room and even sometimes every wall a different color.My world was spent so long seeing nothing but the dull grays and tans that he forced upon me, and now that my life is a riot of colors and craziness,(and yes, monkeys), I guess I will just roll with it, though I still am glitterphobic and probably always will be.

Dear Roger: Situation Normal, Back To The Weird

Hes gone! No, I didn't act out,"Keep Awake". I only threatened it, obviously very, very, convincingly. He got tired of living in his van down by the Willamette river and freezing his ass off and he decided to go back to Ventura where he could live with his aunt and whine about what an evil person I am to people who will be sympathetic to him.He worked hard to get Stubby all upset and emotional before he left so I would have a mess to deal with, and it almost worked, but I countered by giving Stubby a computer. Check and mate. Stub didn't even really notice he was gone. He called today to gloat about how warm and nice it is in Ventura,and all I could say was,"Thats nice, enjoy it. Its cold here, so make sure you don't come back." We celebrated after he left. Seriously. Actually put music on and danced our asses around. It was like the clouds left. It was an expensive lesson to me. All my bills are higher now and he wasn't shy about helping himself to food and whatever else he thought he needed. He tried to take my copy of Blazing Saddles on dvd and it about got really ugly. He did take my Gangs of New York(BASTARD!!), but I will replace it some day. He took the video camera too saying that it wasn't fair for Stevie to have it when the boys didn't have something similar to play with. Whatever. She has my Iphone to use and with him gone, shes actually excited about getting back into making videos.
Work has been weird. The new manager and I have reached an agreement and we have sort of bonded over our mutual dislike of a few of the residents. Misery loves company kind of situation as it is. I'm not working a lot, and that's fine with me, it gives me time for my writing and for my kids and my goofy dog.
I wont be able to go to my 25th High School reunion while I work on getting our economic situation back to rights, but I kinda knew once he showed up, everything was going to go to hell. I count it lucky that we didn't lose our apartment and that things didn't end up worse than they did. My eldest made sure to search the back porch and storage shed to make sure he hadn't forgotten any paraphernalia for the kids or anyone else to find and we threw away the any junk he left behind, which wasn't much, because anything he can sell he makes damn sure to take with him for just that purpose. His parting gift to me was to break the large ceramic pot I had on the back porch. I asked him if that was really necessary and he yelled at me,"Oh, like I ruined your fucking life by doing that?!" I just had my eldest haul it to the trash and counted it as yet another casualty. He left his cat with us. I don't know how long we will be able to keep her, but shes a decent cat who doesn't tolerate much of Spencers B/S before she smacks him on the end of the nose with on really sharp clawed paw. Speaking of Spencer, he is getting huge and he really is getting better with his manners other than he likes to sit on people, and at nearly 70 lbs at 6 1/2 months, hes no light weight.Hes no Fergus, and I still mourn him constantly, but he really tries to please and hes fun to watch and he likes the kids quite a bit. Hes pretty intelligent but, good Lord does he ever have the bloodhound stubbornness. He does things sometimes that remind me of Ferg and I have to walk away from him because the kids don't like to see me cry,and that's exactly what happens, for example, if I sit and stare at my computer too long without moving, (like a partial/complex), he will come and start trying to climb into my lap or he will just butt me with his big ole head just like Ferg would do. I don't know if they think that kick starts my brain again or what, but most of the time its just annoying me when I'm trying to think of how I want the next part of the story to progress, but its nice to be noticed by someone I guess.

Dear Roger: Its Always A Matter Of Who Blinks FIrst

Yesterday was quite a day. Work, frankly, sucked.I said yesterday in my letter that my job is menial and beneath me, and its true, but mostly I enjoy the mindless nature of it. I have a few things I require to do it, and yesterday when I went into the office to get them, they were gone. The whole office had been rearranged with all the furniture packed into the back storage area like it was being prepared for a battle instead of greeting potential clients. I looked for my tools but nada...poof! They were gone. I went ahead and started my work anyway, talking to residents I ran into along the way, doing my thing as usual. Got done and went back to the office to ask where my tools were and the new boss said,"Dont know!" she said it in a very sarcastic and abrasive manner as if she was challenging me to have a problem with it. I told her I wouldn't be able to finish the other job I need to do without my tools and she said,"Ok!"
It was all very odd and off putting. The she said she didn't want me storing my tools anywhere in the office or the maintenance sheds, that I should leave them outside by the door. I told her that they would get stolen, that they have gotten stolen before and had to be replaced and she said,"I dont care, then that is what I will do. I will replace them." That pissed me off. I pay pretty God Damned high rent living in this complex and its attitudes like that, where,"Money is no object lets not be careful with the tools or other items we have and let the crackheads steal them we will just replace them." thusly adding it to the bottom line, pissed me off.I kinda snapped. I didn't leave my tools by the door outside. I went and locked them in the laundry area and I called her boss and I said,"Look, I dont know what her problem is, other than she doesn't like me. I am doing my job as best I can and all I asked for is a few reasonable accommodations for health and safety. She has removed my tools, either hidden or thrown away some of them and she is refusing to let me put my other tools in a safe place so they dont get stolen. If you are going to fire me, some one needs to pull the trigger and do it, but the hostile work environment needs to cease and I need to be able to do my job without being harassed if you dont intend to fire me. I wont quit. So we need to come to some kind of terms." Yeah...fun phone conversation. I was pissed. The big bosses are coming over here this morning to meet with me. I am already working on my resume. Glad I dont have to work.
In other news, the ex leaves for Ventura tomorrow!!! Yeah! He said,"Its too fucking hard to live in Portland! I dont see how you do it!" Yeah...especially with 4 kids and no child support? Its called a wing and a prayer and no luxuries. I know at least 20 recipes for chicken and rice or beans and rice and we can all walk distances that would kill him.He wonders why all of us have shoes or boots that the soles are worn off of? We walk and walk and walk.
Im glad hes going. I think my stress level will drop precipitously, even if I am unemployed in a couple of hours.

Dear Roger: Arrogant Much?

Okay...I have a bit of an ego.I try not to let things get to me because I have kids to support and responsibilities, but I have worked hard to achieve the things I have achieved in my life, and in spite of a fuckton of hassles and adversity, I have achieved quite a bit. I have a college education. Roughly half a Masters degree. I could go back and finish it if I wanted to throw good money after bad, but I really dont see the point.I have been an EMT, a Firefighter, a Cop, a Forensic Investigator, and I have all kinds of certifications and awards for shit that does me absolutely no good at this point in my life, but you know what? I earned them. I have survived a nutball ex putting a gun to my head and a straight razor to my throat. Ive rolled a truck down the side of the I-40 in a blizzard 4 times and lived to walk away...sort of unscathed. I have not turned into a ravening, drug addicted, alcoholic loser like I have seen others do. I am (relatively), sane. I volunteer with several charitable organizations, I send my kids to church. I dont drink more than maybe one or two beers every few months, I dont smoke and I never do drugs. Im in good shape and I have managed to keep my children housed, clothed and provided for in a suitable manner. So, you can see why I think I have good reason to be pretty damn proud of myself at this point in my life. I choose to work a job that is significantly below my ability because it allows me to be home for my kids and it was fairly low stress. My last boss and I were friends and it was a relaxed atmosphere for me, as it should be, because this business it not rocket science.
Then things changed, as things tend to do. I hate change. I dont do change well. This new person seems to equate my choice of job with being ignorant or somehow beneath her. Ohhhhhooo.....that does not go over well with me. I dont deal well with snobby/snotty people. I find they are usually disguising some really significant defects in their person. The more rudely I am treated, the more expansive my vocabulary becomes until it reaches the point that they most likely need to break out the dictionary to understand me. I start to let my education show and it just spirals out of control. I've lost jobs over it before. I had a boss who thought I was a dumb blonde until he pissed me off. People don't like to be made to feel stupid. I made him feel extremely stupid on a daily basis for about a week until I was let go.
I knew a guy with 2 Phds who worked changing tires in Fort Worth in the 90's because the Defense industry was struggling. Mahmoud was a great guy who was super smart, but he had kids to support and when it came to them, he didnt care how much education he had or how many letters he had behind his name, he went to work and earned the money.He did well until he was disrespected.He got another job that paid better and he ended up buying the tire company he had worked at and he fired the manager who had disrespected him.
Im not that invested in this job. I wont quit. Ill still go to work every day, follow the job description to the letter and get it done and limit my conversations with my boss to what is required, but I may start to let things show after all, if get fired, I was looking for job when I got this one and maybe it would be just the nudge I needed to get into the field I want to be in.
Im arrogant. Always have been. I am a true and loyal friend of those who treat me with respect, but the minute I am condescended to or treated with disrespect? Pfft! All bets are off. Im not a ,"Kid" anymore. Im 42 freaking years old. I have delivered babies and held the hands of people as they died. Ive seen murder and mayhem and fought people for my life and the lives of others. I fought fires, lost friends and most of my loved ones. I choose to try and maintain a young at heart attitude, but my heart is not young. It battered and bruised and dark and cold and its deserves to be treated with a little God damned respect, even if it is working a menial job beneath its abilities.

Dear Roger: Equitable Distribution of Affection

Almost every parent who has more than one child has been accused of playing favorites. Some do and are very blatant about it, telling one child that they are the,'Smart one" and that the other is the,'Pretty one" or showering one child with fancy make up and clothes and indulgences. Its not easy to be a parent, in fact there are times it flat sucks. When you have a special needs child, they require a lot of time and energy and dedication to keep their needs met and to help them succeed so they will be able to survive in the world when you are gone. When you have boys, you have to worry about making sure they don't do the wrong things and end up in trouble or making mistakes that get them labeled as troublemakers or worse, and when you have girls, you have to worry about every dick in the world trying to take advantage of them.
I stress constantly because I have the perfect storm of children, basically all of the above. I have already screwed up with one daughter and I failed her. I was young and stupid and believed people who told me I was incapable of giving her any kind of life. I was made to feel like a loser and a wreck and I took the easy way out and I surrendered. I live with that crushing guilt every single day. I know she is doing great and I talk to her often, but I have to wonder, what if I had said,"Back the fuck off and let me breathe! I will figure this shit out. People do it every damn day!" Maybe I wouldn't have spent the next 20 years filled with self-loathing and guilt as well as a hefty dose of death wish and resentment? Its too late to think about it now, but I have 4 other kids that I have managed to do all right by so far, mostly on my own.
My eldest son is designing his own websites and writing music to go on them. Hes not on drugs or a criminal and hes never been in any kind of trouble. Hes a good looking, popular, friendly, church-going, well-adjusted, young man who has developed goals and objectives and who has people who look to him for leadership.
My special needs son is healthy, happy and functioning well above what he is supposed to be doing with his disability. Hes got friends and hes popular. Hes friendly, affectionate and a good kid that people enjoy having around.
My next son is above grade level in all subjects and though hes a short man, hes got a giant personality and sense of humor. He struggles because for his father playing him like a violin when he wants something from me, but hes doing well up here and hes healthy and for the most part happy.
My baby girl...off the charts gifted in multiple areas. She writes songs and plays and short stories on the fly and she can tell you more about monkeys and music than you want to know. She dances and sings and has been devoted to the same odd lil fella since she was barely older than 4 years old. Shes kind and compassionate, praying for everyone but herself and she worries about things beyond her ability handle. She has seen things that no child her age should have ever experienced, yet she doesn't ever let it get her down. I thought maybe she didn't remember it, but she does. She told me one day out of the blue,"I don't trust him. He hurt you with at razor in my room and I think he will do it again. I love him because I have to, but he scares me." That she said of her own father. She thinks she has to love him.
We talked about that quite a bit. I told her that love was not an obligation born of blood and familial bonds. You don't have to love someone because you are related to them. You only love those who deserve it, and someone who scares you shouldn't be someone you love.
Her father never wanted her and he treats her different that he does the boys and its really pissing me off more and more. Hes not around as much since I ran him off, but when he is around, he hardly talks to her. He gives all his attention to the boys and she is left standing there feeling like he doesn't care if she is there or not, so often she just walks away. He shushes her or tells her to be quiet and when he leaves to go get something, he rarely takes her. The boys tell her that she cant call herself by the same last name as them because she is more my kid than anything so she should have my last name. Shes okay with that. Shes actually been using my last name off and on for awhile now. I treat all the kids the same and when she gets in trouble, she goes into timeout just as fast as the boys do.
Its hard to keep a balance sometimes because she and I have things we enjoy doing together and things in common we love, so we spend time watching videos together and listening to music or whatever. She tried to get her father to watch the "Live and Kicking Too" video with her and he made it about 20 minutes before he was being an ass, yet he will sit and watch cartoons with the boys for hours. He just doesn't care to even try to have anything to share with her and she senses that and shes ready to quit trying because she knows hes not someone she could ever count on anyway.
I dont play favorites with her, I just try to make up for all the ways shes been failed by somebody else.

Dear Roger: A Swift Kick In The Ass Is A Good Kick Start, For Most

Dealing with my ex often is frustrating and infuriating.I have to try and keep my temper and my mouth shut because if I piss him off, that ends badly for me, but there are times I just really want to vent and try and figure out what the hell is wrong with him?
I managed to finally get his ass out of here a few days ago and it was like a load was lifted off of us. Our food will last longer as will all out household supplies. He didn't see himself as that big of an expense. He was told that he had to lay low when he was around here because he wasn't supposed to be here and he could get me in trouble with the new landlord. He would wait until just before the office was due to open and then he would leave or go out to smoke or do something outside, as if he was deliberately trying to be seen. Very passive/aggressive with no thought to the fact that if he got me evicted, his kids would be out of a place to live as well.
He wont work an on the books, regular job. He claims no one will hire him because hes an excon convicted of a violent crime,(agg. assault with a deadly weapon and kidnapping) against me. But he wont even try. This city caters to the lowest common denominator and they have all kinds of programs for felons and dopers and what not, but he prefers to troll craigslist for whatever.
He seems to have no shame about his choices either. He took the remainder of his silver the other day and he sold it. He bought a little bit of gas and some weed. His reasoning? He needs to the gas to get around,(that is fine, I agree with that), but the weed? He said it helps him relax and not care hes living in his van down by the river.
Never mind the fact his son turns ten in 2 days and he could have bought him some presents. Nope, hes counting on me to handle all that. Just like he had no problem telling me when I offered to buy him an Amtrack ticket to Ventura that if I gave him $200 he could just drive there. Uh...NO! Im not giving him any damn cash.
Here I am supporting all the kids on my own, providing for all their needs and he tells me I could give him $200 to essentially get rid of him.
Im working on filing for full custody. Its just ridiculous that he can show up at my door and say he wants to see the kids, walk into my house and then hang out for 4 hours doing nothing but annoying the hell out of me. Ive been getting all his crap sorted out and stashed outside, hoping he will just show up, pack it up and vanish.
Moving is on hold and while Stevie is disappointed, she realized when he showed up that life was going to be difficult again. She knows he never brings good things. She wants to love him because he is her father, but she sees him for what he is, and that is sad. Stubby is starting to see it and I think that has a lot to do with his issues.
He has such as skewed view of how the world works. He thinks its the woman's job to support the man and take care of everyone and everything because that is all that he has seen and when he is around people who handle it the traditional or balanced way, it upsets him because he realizes his father is not doing his part.
Ive given up trying to change my ex. He never will be changed or fixed. My son and I watch the show "Shameless" and laugh at how much its like out lives and the father is like my ex. He is a good reason to stay single and when people ask me if I feel bad for him living in his van I tell them I don't. I don't get child support. I don't even bother asking for it. He has actually been the one supported. He gets money and he smokes it. He has made poor decisions and he has to live with them. At 54 years old he should be able to handle life better than that. He made his bed, he has to lie in it. I will raise my kids and try to find better examples of how to live and function in life. His own family has refused to help him other than with,"Prayers", and to me, that speaks volumes. I offered to buy him a ticket to Newport News to he could go live with his mom or sister, but he didn't want to go live back there like his brother did,I would rather they see him being a transient than his own kids. Maybe if it gets colder here in many ways, he will finally leave, if not, we may have to find a way to leave ourselves and once again uproot and try to get away from the dead weight of an albatross.