Dear Roger: Contemplation Of,"What Ifs"

Well, like I had figured, a bridge that is burned and allowed to turn to ashes, tends to stay burned. I have not heard from him. Not an email telling me to go to hell, not a phone call, not a text, nothing. I really fucked it up this time. Much like the tattoo of Texas on my right arm that is screwed up and scarred and a grim reminder of so many things in my past, "Not all fuck ups are easily fixed." I will follow through on what I had said I was going to do, and the first of March I will close that old email account and lock the last door on that part of my life. It wont be easy, I have already gone against my vow to not check that email a dozen times a day, hoping for some word from him that he had forgiven me. its a bit pathetic, but when you are facing the realization that the man who you have loved beyond all reason as not only a lover, but as your best friend, is really and truly gone from your life, you tend to resort to clinging to desperate bits of hope. Its my own damn fault for being such a misanthrope that I dont have more friends.I am not an easy person to get close to, in fact I tend to push people away. That is why he was so special, he was always willing to fight his way past my bullshit and force me to want to be around people.

Writing about the one close friend I had as a child has brought back soo many memories of such a poignant time in my life.I wish I knew where he was. My son wants to find him, to see if he remembers as much as me, and if I matter to him, what became of his life. I want to leave it alone. His name is so common that it would be virtually impossible to find him, and like I have tried to express to my son, its better that way. We wont disappoint each other.

My son is enjoying the stories I write,(not the 'Adult" ones), he likes the ones I write about Texas and some of the other ones I write that he recognizes some of the characters in. Hes trying to talk me into "un-ficcing" and making them real stories that could be submitted professionally, and a few other friends have suggested the same thing, but I dont know if I want to do that. I write for my own pleasure and to just unload my mind from time to time.

Its been an okay week, took the kids to see the Harry Potter movie and it was actually a good evening out, though we were all apprehensive about what was going to be in the movie. Son and I are not ready for the series to end. He has grown up with it, I watched those kids grow up, and we are going to miss them horribly. Its like being cut off from your favorite world and told your friends aren't going to talk to you anymore. Something I am much too familiar with lately.