Call me a masochist, but even though I had been pretty damn meticulous about erasing all forms of contact and evidence I even knew him,(not just for my protection, but for his as well), I for some reason clicked that God damned link and I watched him. I couldn't tell you for the life of me what he was talking about, but I could tell you that his voice sound the same as it did the last time I heard it, his hands looked the same, all weatherbeaten and calloused and tanned. His face with its carefully groomed cowboy style mustache and hazel eyes still captivated me and I was lost.
I miss him Rog. I wish I could take that phone call back. I dont care what my friends and family say about how bad he was or is for me. I MISS HIM. He was the one constant in my life. An email or a phone call at least every other day for YEARS! I dont even get that from family and I damn sure dont get that from people who call themselves my friends these days. He was advice and companionship and the promise of a "maybe, someday" that kept me plodding along the road to nowhere.
The one, perfect, most romantic, Valentines day I ever had in my whole entire life was spent in his arms. There was roses and candlelight and he carried me to bed and it was something that will have me smiling when I am on my deathbed, because it was just that good.
He inspired me. He made me laugh, made me happy and yes, he broke my heart in ways that can never be explained or forgiven, but I am a masochist for him.
I was sitting in a coffee shop last week, waiting on a friend to show up and I was looking at all the men wandering around and as I looked up, there stood a man that could have been his gay twin brother. The shock about caused me to fall out of my chair. Same imposing height,(around 6'6), reddish brown hair with a mustache and that ruddy skin color that looks like hes been outside too long, jeans and boots, but this guy had both ears pierced and was wearing a t-shirt that was about 2 sizes 2 small that showed off the same physique as him, but he would have never done that. I know I was staring, but the tears in my eyes probably made the guy think I was a bit insane so he stayed away.
I tried to send a text to a friend of mine back home to tell him what I had seen, to see if he had seen him lately, and to find out how he was, but inadvertently I sent the text to the wrong number...I sent it to him.
All he replied back was,"You are texting the wrong person". I dont even if he knew it was me because my number has changed so many times, but my heart broke a little more.
Rog, I wish you were here. I am nearly 42 years old and I am so damn alone. I managed to make it less than a week and 1 kiss with a guy before I told him to fuck off because he just wasn't"Right", and the problem is, I dont know what is 'Right" though I have a strong feeling I am a big part of what is wrong.
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