Dear Roger:Slips and Slides, Sins and Atonement

Stress is getting to me. I have been losing words more often lately, stammering more often, and the twitch in my left eyelid never leaves. If I sleep over 3 hours in a night, uninterrupted, then I awaken feeling shocked that I managed a miracle. Its due to my ex large in part, and the mess he has made of my account and the lasting repercussions it will have on me for this next month, but I am really not as angry as I would have been in the past. I think that the old, wrathful me has pretty much gone by the wayside. I do get angry about some things, but I have become a very forgiving person. I tend to consider the motivations behind actions before I go getting all wound up and angry. If the motivations were deliberate and malignant, then I tend to be less forgiving and more likely for focus my energies on bringing down wrath upon their world, but if its due to ignorance or youth or just simply weakness of character, then I am less likely to expend my own energy on burning them down. My ex is a weak man. He is simply a product of his environment. He is incapable of change at this point in his life and no good will come of trying to compel him to change or by punishing him further than I already have. He is a burden that much be borne for the sake of my children, who unfortunately, love him.

I swear, some months it just feels like one damn thing after another. Bills constantly seem to add up and if the smell of sons shoes are any indication, he needs a new pair and badly! He came home,(on time) after track practice yesterday and took them off. The smell was hideous! It was worse than my gnarliest pair of boots that have to live in the closet away from everyone else with baking soda in them. He seemed to not even notice the odor and that is disturbing in itself.

I dont know what we are going to end up doing this summer. The job market around here is grim. I know so many people who have been looking for so long and there is just nothing.

The bright side of things is that its starting to get more Springlike and I have actually taken to venturing outside in a hoodie instead of the full winter regalia. I will be nice to show off the fact that while I may be middle aged, I lack the middle aged spread and my ass is actually in pretty decent shape. I will be able to wear my Volcome slacks that fit and show off the fact I am skinny. I plan to start running again pretty soon and I have been keeping up with my Isometrics and such so hopefully getting toned back up and hitting the gym will eventually happen and I will be able to at least feel like getting out and socializing.

Son has decided to pursue the AP/College prep/NCAA program at his school. I am damn proud of him because it means a lot more work for him academically, but it offers a brighter future.He has gotten more serious about school lately and has even said that he doesn't want to go to Texas this summer. He told me that it seems like everyone he was friends with back there has either quit school or has gotten into trouble for smoking dope or other stupidity. He was running around with a bunch of rich kids that all had vehicles and waay to much free, unsupervised time on their hands, so I was glad that he decided he didn't want to go back for the summer. A few of those boys had already gotten into trouble for truck surfing and running over one of their buddies. He wants to go to OSU and he is even looking into Summer programs where he can either go to music camps and work on that, or even drama camps! He is supposed to audition for concert choir in the next couple of weeks so he has been practicing and focusing on that as well as making a positive impression on the director. It seems like my son is growing up and I hope it sticks for awhile. He has a track meet tonight and he was carb loading as well as nagging at me about buying him some healthier drink choices. He reads labels on stuff,(we always do), and he had commented on the fact that his favorite energy drink had too much sugar in it. I had already told him that weeks ago, but he finally heard it from his coach and decided to listen. So now I am supposed to buy him some kind of high dollar, natural, organic, drink?! I told him to try water, its the drink of champions. He has been curious about alcohol for quite a while and I am very open about it and the effects it has on people. He knows the first boy I ever loved was murdered by a drunk driver and that drunk driving a an unforgivable sin to me that makes me want to beat down whomever I catch doing it, so I have told him that when he is of age, we will sort through it together. I show him videos of how different people are when they are obviously drunk and how it makes things that perhaps they wouldn't say, slip out or behaviors emerge that in the light of day are mortifying.

He knows I drink on occasion and about the "Drunk Dialing" incident that cost me so much. I was very, very honest and open with him about that. Sharing my pain and humiliation with him was eye opening to him and he cringed for me. He has seen me with a hangover, once. He was not merciful. He made fun of me, and he asked a lot of questions about it. I dont think he is all that eager to try whiskey and now perhaps considers that the major leagues of drinking and masochism. He thinks beer smells a bit nasty, so I hope he keeps that opinion, though I dont really expect him to. When it comes to drugs I am not as worried because he grew up around a drug addict and he hates drugs. He wrinkles his nose in disgust at the weed reek that comes from our neighbors house and he knows I can spot when someone is using. He has heard me make comments like,"Hmm, guess crank or coke is just a rock star rite of passage."and when he asked me what I meant, I pointed out all the classic signs of drug usage on the person which while disappointed me, did not shock me. He knows I would spot it in a heartbeat and that I would not hesitate use any means necessary to put a stop to it right there. I have watched too many people eaten up by drugs to allow it to happen to a loved one, so its not a negotiable issue.

We made it through December. We have made it though so much and even though my stress gets heavy at times, it could always be worse. We are alive, and I am making up for the things I have done in the past by trying to fix the future.