Dear Roger: Burn

Arizona is burning again. It reminded me that this time last year I was sitting in Arizona, tense, nervous, and wary. My ex was out of prison and I wasnt sure if he was going to kill me in revenge for putting him there or if he was broken. Living under that kind of tension made me a little crazy. We had found the guide to our new path, the tickets had been purchased for the concert and we were trying to figure out how to get there. I was selling off things to raise the money for the trip and for starting our new life. I was also preparing documents to give up everything that I had thought was so important. Giving up the house was a fairly easy decision. I was tired of being a prisoner to a piece of property. When the fire started up on the Peaks I kinda felt it was a sign that it really was time to go. It hurt my soul to watch them burn though. The peace I found from sitting out on my front porch each morning, drinking my coffee, listening to the wind through the trees was gone and all that was left was a blackened disaster zone.

Packing was painful. When I thought I was bringing my van, we were loading our instruments and art and things we would need for a new life, but when the ex started hinting that a fight was looming over me getting out with my kids, I ended up having to surrender the van. Then the negotiations over my boys. I loathe the courts in AZ, but that is a whole nother story. I gave up my house for my daughter and my van for train tickets and no fights on our way out.

The fire that raged in front of the house before we left was symbolic to me. I was like a memorial of my entire time in Arizona. It burned up a decade of my life. The current fire is much bigger, and it has consumed an entire town. Coming a full year after the fire that burned the Peaks it reminds me of how far we have come. Life is much better. My kids are doing better. Its sounding more and more like I will have my sons soon. We talk often and they are eager to be here. My ex is on the verge of losing the house I gave him because he has found that the struggle to survive as a single parent back there is grim and never-ending. He has not made a house payment since I gave it to him. The fact they have not foreclosed on him amazes the hell out of me.

I have had a few nightmares about the fire over the past week and I have been a little out of sorts, but I guess that is to be expected, it was a hell of a thing to live through, having hell come to your front door. Now, we have an abundance of rain and everyone bitches about that except me. I love the rain. I still hate the cold, but I dont mind the rain.

I got to go see Flogging Molly in concert! I have to say it was probably the closest to a religious experience I have had in decades. I ended up front row, center, right in front of Dave King and in the heart of the mosh pit against the crash barrier. It was exactly where I hoped I would be. Yes, I got crushed and I got the hell beat out of me, but it was fantastic. I moshed, I sang the words to every damn song I knew and I got choked up singing along with the classics in moments that felt so special that I know they will remain with me forever. It felt so wonderful to hear a band recognize that they know its difficult to come up with the money for tickets, and that they sincerely appreciate those who spend their hard earned cash on them. It felt genuine and it was taken to heart, because the money I spent on them was money that probably should have been spent on something else, but it was my one luxury. I dont drink or smoke or do drugs or even date or have a car or anything else that takes up my money that could be considered a waste, so seeing an occasional concert is my thing. I wish I could have gotten a t-shirt, but its not like I would have been able to keep it, Chance would have swiped it from me right off. He has decided he likes them as well and has even started learning some of their music on his guitar.

Things are going okay. The job hunt is not going great, but I dont think it is for anyone.