Dear Roger: Its Not You, Its Me

I got the results of all the testing and interviewing I went through a month or so ago in order to see what kind of employment I would be best suited for and what would make allowances for my little glitches. I thought I was doing good, that I had made substantial progress towards getting out and meeting people and trying to not be so aloof and cold and stand offish, but the results of the testing indicate very strongly otherwise. In fact to quote the results I got,I would be best suited to employment in a field that,"does not involve significant interpersonal contact."

Words like,"Hyper vigilant, Hyperarousal,(not near as fun as it sounds), inflexibility, perfectionism, irritability, and on every single page and they cited my anger. They confirmed my diagnoses of Severe PTSD, and a heaping helping of depression along with a laundry list of related fun that makes me the equivalent of the female version of Severus Snape. They even commented on my attire and my, "Solemn demeanor".

I take issue with some of the comments because, I mean seriously! If you take a look at my past, I have a damn good reason to be a bit on the pissed off side. I have had people try to kill me. That is well documented and my ex did time in prison for it. Others didn't go to prison, but I have not made the best choices in companionship.

Yeah, I am a perfectionist. I am also a huge fuck up. If I didn't try harder to get it right, I would have just given up and become a total bum a decade ago. I am a creature of habit and ritual, So the fuck what? What is wrong with that? That means I know where stuff is, I remember obscure things and that can really come in handy at times. Hyper vigilance keeps my kids and my loved ones alive, it also is habit after living in a war zone for most of my life. I am a pro at reading people and knowing when to duck and when to get my loved ones the hell out of the way. Because I said I would lay down my life for my kids or my loved ones with no regrets, they consider my high risk for suicide. Honestly, I only live for my kids. I dont have anything else right now. So, yeah...maybe they have me there, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be capable of being functional in a job.

Im supposed to attend a workshop this next month, they want me to jump through this hoop which essentially is supposed to help me find a sense of direction. I am looking into going into nursing still, I have known quite a few anti-social nurses, so that is not off the table.

I do not intend to change the way I dress. I am a grown woman and if I choose to wear boots and black, that is my choice. The report said that there really isn't much to be done for me. I am very distrustful of people,(duh), have no close relationships outside of my children, and I am intimidating,(me? I 5 fucking feet tall, weigh 105 lbs and I have wonky knees and shoulders!), but whatever, I guess my "Presence" scares the snot out of people. My temper is rigidly controlled and I maintain it that way for a reason. I dont lay a hand on anyone in anger, and the way things have been, I haven't laid hands on anyone for any other purpose either. A friend of mine suggested that I needed a good solid trouncing, and while I whole-heartedly agree, I do not foresee it happening anytime soon because apparently I am destined to just seethe alone.