Dear Roger: Father of Mine

Its Fathers day. Another one of those socially constructed, fucked up, revenue driven ventures that leaves me and many others sitting around feeling a little left out of all the celebratory mood. My relationship with my father was not the greatest. I was not wanted. I was a disappointment to him because I was not a son, and I was constantly reminded of that. My earliest memory of him is of a lit cigarette being dropped down my back. Other memories are of him singing,"Fatty Fatty two by four" to me because I was chubby as a pre-teen. I remember him teaching me how to shoot a gun, and some of him teaching me horsemanship, but he was a taciturn man, not given to shows of affection. Neither of my parents were. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, recalling some of my mothers stories of what a,"Difficult baby" I was and how I had destroyed a crib by literally shaking it to pieces. She had related to me that I cried a lot and that a pediatrician had told her to put me in my crib and allow me to,"Scream it out", she had commented that I was an,"Early headbanger" because I would sit and rock and bang my head into the wall or the sides of my crib. I was neglected. As someone who has studied psychology, I recognize all those things she was telling me as signs of a sorely neglected child and I have to wonder how long I was left alone in that room to ,"Scream it out." I know my father never rescued me. He was in Viet Nam for 3 tours of duty and then when he returned, he wasnt around. He was a angry man who worked all the time. My father figure was John Wayne, Grandpa and you.

I guess I could have done worse. Being raised by John Wayne gave me a hero who was also taciturn, but who cared and was brave and good hearted deep down. I have always doubted whether or not my father cared for me deep down or if he simply saw me as the lost hope. Grandpa and you were everything I needed and I am so thankful I had you. The fact that I have any moral compass at all is largely due to you and grandpa and grandma. I miss you every single day and I mourn for the fact that my children will never have that kind of relationship with people.

My parents are out of my life. My children have no grandparents and that breaks my heart, but my parents are soo far away from what my grandparents and you were, that I know they have nothing to offer my children except rejection and pain.

My son has no father, and I have often mourned that loss in his life, but he has sought at male role models to guide his path, some good, some I question, but all have helped to form him into a decent young man. He struggles at times, but he has a good moral compass and his faith seems to hold him to being a good person.

My small daughter has a father, but he scares her when he is close by, after all,she has seen him with a straight razor to her mothers throat and she knows he can be a monster that is capable of terrifying things, even towards her. The young man she looks up to as the archetype for what a man is supposed to be like, her John Wayne, her hero, and her hope that there are good men in the world that aren't scary and angry, is young Jackson Rathbone. So far, that has been a good thing. He has been a fairly consistent, relatively calm and sane young man that isn't whoring himself around every bar and party to be found or splashed across the cover of whatever trashy rag happens to be trolling the,"scene". Whatever he does in his personal life, he is very good at keeping it just that,"Personal" and that is refreshing. He does what he does, doesn't curse constantly, looks relatively normal except for that sneery thing he does, and he genuinely seems like a decent person. When she met him, he was kind and she needed that.

I cant recall that many significant memories of my father that are positive. We had a difficult relationship and it left a lot of scars on me, but I can recall memory after memory of John Wayne that influenced me. I learned how to ride a horse, shoot properly, how to be a good American, cook a steak and just how to be from him. Think what you want about him and his politics, but to a lonely kid that was left to their own devices day in and day out, he was a calming influence and a hero that was there when no one else could be and he raised me. I am here for my kids, but sometimes they need that,"Guys" influence to just let them know that there is another way of doing things, and their guys are having as profound an impact on them, as John Wayne had on me, and I thanks them for that.