Dear Roger: Masochism, But Not For Fun

Almost 11 years of dealing with my ex and you think I would have developed a thicker skin. But yesterday he managed to get to me. I dont know how, but he did and after I hung up the phone I found myself in tears. I guess it was because he hit on my old insecurity about my looks. It goes way back to when I was around 9 or 10 and I was sitting in the rodeo arena stands with my mother and one of her few friends and they were discussing me and my sister. My mother said, "Jennifer is the smart one, but Trina is the pretty one." The friend spoke up and said that I would grow into my looks, but that one sentence stuck with me and has echoed in my head my entire life.

It didn't help that because our house was so filthy and disgusting when I was a kid that I often went to school smelling and with dirty clothes and looking less than decent. I had a teacher that took it upon herself to shame me in front of the entire drama class by handing me a comb and sending me to the bathroom to comb my hair. She then washed the comb in front of the entire class like it was diseased. Needless to say, my social standing was not helped and neither was my self-image.

For 11 years he pointed out every flaw. My odd nose with its bump that is a familial trait. My hands that have seen years of hard work and do not look ladylike. Yes, maybe I am too skinny at times, but stress is a great diet program. "A well-dressed Lesbian", was his favorite way to refer to my style of dress. "Lazy" even though I worked a full-time job and kept house as well as had kids while he often was unemployed and ensconced in his recliner.

Picking at little insecurities is his specialty and I guess I should be used to it. I learned to be quiet and not argue back because he was much bigger than me. In fact he was often up to around 290 to my 100-110 and there are still marks in the drywall and doorjambs from where I pissed him off by talking back. Shutting doors did no good. Did you know that a hollow core door will pretty much explode when a 290lb man kicks it? It is not fun to clean all that up.

He was particularly snarky yesterday. I had taken daughter to get her picture taken professionally and when I called to give him the information so he could relay it and see if his family wanted any copies or prints, I mentioned that there were a couple of group shots that had been taken but that I didn't like them. He said, "Well, you never do take a good picture." And there it was again, that hateful, snarky, "Lets cut her down and take the happy out of her day." that is soo much him.

It worked.

I sat there after I hung up, just feeling like shit.

Its not like I have any other input from men. He is the only male who talks to me and that's not a good thing because hes a bit of an ass. He is the king of passive/aggressive,(and let me tell you , full on aggressive), comments and jabs to hurt.

He has companionship. There is a woman I know who is visiting him and interested in dating him. It boggles the mind. She is an otherwise intelligent woman and she knows he was in prison for taking a straight razor to me and other fuckery, but they like each other and he now has a social life.

I dont get it.I cant even get the time of day from anyone anymore. I had quit trying, but it would be nice to at least be noticed, but I dont even get that.

I wish I didn't have to talk to him, but he has my sons and if I want to talk to them, I have to deal with him.

He has managed to lose the house and he received foreclosure papers last week. He is talking about moving to Portland. That makes me sick to my stomach. As much as I miss my sons and as much as I want them, I dont want him in my city. He is a soul-sucking, joy killing, lamprey. If he comes here, Austin will become much more of a possibility, even if I have to walk.