A DIFFERENT FOREST: Fine Monkey Lovin

A DIFFERENT FOREST: Fine Monkey Lovin

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Dear Roger: As Good As I Once Was?

Its been a long dang week! I started back to a real damn job or two and it came pretty damn close to kicking my butt. I got to say though, getting out and around people again seems to agree with me and I enjoy being busy, especially this month. Working the night shift was a good way for me to slide back into things because folks tend to be a little more relaxed and casual about things. One of the gals I work with is a smoker and we went and hung out for a bit, smoking and talking about random things, including how we both get nagged at over our smoking habit. The work doesn't require much thinking, and it changes from day to day, so there will be something to keep my interest, the only down side is that they seem to have figured out that I am pretty strong, in fact they have already tapped me to load couches and other furniture when there was a guy around! My boss said its because I move with a confidence and way of moving that just says," Strength".That kinda cracked me up, but I guess they are right, that and the fact I dont worry about breaking a nail or smudging up any makeup.

My other job is just in the orientation stage, and its a bit aggravating due to the fact I am having to deal with slower learners. If they would just let me log onto the system from my laptop at home and go through all their company specific stuff, I would be done with all their requirements and ready to start their proprietary training so that I would be good to go by the holiday push, but they insist that I come into the office and sit in their breakroom and use the one computer they have, so I have to share it with 4 other people who are also new hires. As you finish each section of the information, you test over it and if you pass, you move on. I finished a weeks worth in one day and I am ready to move on to the next level, but the others are having difficulty and that is bogging up the works!I am off work for the next week because the others need the time to try and catch up with me.I am going to be training and rehabilitating large breed, rescue dogs, so its not like this is my first rodeo.I know what I am doing, I have done it before and I have a lot of experience at it, but they have their way they want things done, so I will have to play their game until things are lined out.

The first day of work was a tough one on me,I had to be at one job from 7p til 3 am and then up again at 6 am to get the kids up for school, then walk the 2.5 miles to my other job by 8am to work until 1pm then walk the 2.5 miles back home to meet daughters bus by 230, then cook dinner,clean house and get kids settled for the night so I could get up to go to work by 8 am the next morning. I was just a little bit on the tired side by the time things were all said and done.

I enjoyed it, even if I was a bit tired. My son is a bit worried about me walking so far in the dark once my schedule gets set in a month or two, but I am not really worried.The key to being safe when you are walking at night is to look just a little meaner and crazier than everything else out there and people tend to stay away from you. I am well able to manage that.

Tomorrow my son plays his next football game and I am soo looking forward to seeing it! He is supposed to get to start as a tackle this time and if his enthusiasm is half as much as it was last game, it will be a pretty exciting game.

I made it though yesterday. I cried a few times,but I have hope that someday my heartache will ease. Folks keep telling me that there is a man out there looking for me, I just have to be willing to see him.

Dear Roger: Love the One You Are With, I Wish My One Was With Me

This song always takes me back to him...that time,that place. Its 28 years today when my whole world imploded.Nothing was the same for me after that, and perhaps it was the torture of having to drive past the spot where he died every single day until I left that God forsaken place,that left such a scar on my soul...I dont know. He still lives in my memories as that perfect,beautiful, boy that I had the worst crush in the world on, and I have to wonder what my life would have been like if hadn't been murdered and I had perhaps stood a chance.

So much was taken from so many that day, parents lost sons, another young man lost his peace of mind and wallowed in survivors guilt for over 20 years in drugs and alcohol.I have lived with the loss of the first boy I ever truly loved with all my heart. If you have your "One" in your life, love them extra well today, some of us were never that lucky.

Dear Roger; Taking Applications For a Submissive,Do I Have To Be EEOC?

You know, sometimes if you wait long enough and bide your time, you can get the best pay back on a cheating sumbitch that you could have never imagined. When Chance was just a little baby,I was with a boy that I loved with all my heart. He was younger than me,and truthfully he was a bit of a mommas boy and kinda immature, but he was fun and we had a fantastic sex life and social life and we did all kinds of things together. He wasnt Chances father, but he was with me all through the pregnancy and he was for all intents and purposes the only daddy my baby boy knew for the first couple of years of his life, and my son bonded with him and loved him. But something started happening after I became a cadet in the police academy.He started becoming distant and he would miss dates or just not show up or return calls. He strung me along for months, letting me think that everything was just in my head and due to stress. Then, when the stress of the academy was at its peak, I found out he had been cheating on me and had in fact told people he had broken up with me when he had failed to let me know that little bit of information! So on Valentines Day, right before the end of the academy, I finally get a text from him telling me it was over and I should leave him alone. He didnt even bother to tell my son goodbye.

I was devastated, and I figure that is what he was going for, so after I allowed myself an epic night out of drunken karaoke with my lesbian firefighter friends, I started on the path of revenge by dating his boss.Now in all fairness, I had a mad,huge crush on his boss, and his boss had also had his heart broken by a cheating POS , so we were both pretty gunshy, but you would have thought the apocalypse had rained down on my ex's head when the rumors of who I was seeing reached him. He started calling and coming by and flirting, but I just played coy. I should also mention that though I had been in good shape, I got in GREAT shape around this time, the type of shape that allows you to wear booty shorts and sports bras out in public and nothing else. I ran 2 miles a day, I swam 30 laps each morning and afternoon and I set my benchpress record of 200lbs in this time. drove a cool truck that stood out, I dressed sharp and I went out and was seen all over the place so he knew just what he was missing, and where my truck was parked on the nights I had my dates with his boss. He ended up quitting his job because he believed he was being unfairly ostracized by the department,(he wasnt, he was just really getting paranoid)and he ended up marrying the girl he had cheated on me with, and in a true act of just desserts, she cheated on him!

Move forward another 13 years, I moved on. Lived and endured things that have probably been way worse on me than he was, but alot of what he did to me ego wise, impacted my future decisions and I still bear a bit of a grudge, though I dont let him know that, because you see...through the wonder of the internet, he found me on Facebook and sent me a friend request, and because I was curious, I accepted it. I say with no little glee, that he got fat, bald, and he is still blaming most of his problems on everybody but himself. Hes married, got a couple of little kids and his wife seems like the good type. He went though my photo albums and commented that he thought I looked really good and that I had really stayed in shape. Well, I didnt know what to say other than I had always worked to stay healthy and in my,"Fighting shape". I really thought the conversation was a bit inappropriate for a married man to be having with a single woman, but I let it go and strung him along a bit to see where his mind was at, and it turns out he hasn't changed at all.

So I have decided to torment him with what he will never have again,with a few interesting additions. My sis and I have always loved a good practical joke,in fact the more outrageous the better and we have often come close to giving each other heart attacks over the years with some of the stuff we have done. She has called me pretending to be a jealous wife on more than one occasion, and I may have called her with lab results telling her she was pregnant with twins. She knows I dont have caller id on my home phone so she uses that to her advantage and she called yesterday trying to pretend that she was a publicity agent for a certain young star I am partial to. I am highly skeptical and cynical by nature and when I said, 'Ill believe you when he trots his cute young ass to my door with a bow around his neck" and she got the giggles cussing me out saying, "What they hell would you have done if someone woulda knocked on your damn door right then?" truth? gone out the back door with a fit of the runaways, lie I told her? "Sent the kids to the neighbor and drug whoever the hell was at the door in for the shock of their life.' Anyway , sis knows what a mindfuck that fool did to me, so we concocted a plan to pay him back a little more and last night I got to start it. He popped up in FB chat and asked me what I was up to, and I said,'Shopping for some toys and booking my appointment with my piercing guy". He was quiet for quite a long while and I thought that he had signed off, but he finally said, 'What are you going to get pierced?" I getting both nipples done next week after my waxing appointment. this time he came back really quick with ,"WHAT?! WHY? FOR WHO?!" Im getting my nipples pierced because I am exploring some things for ME. He went for snarky next, "So are you a lesbian now?" No, quite the opposite, I liken the dicken quite a bit, I am just taking control of things a little better. I actually could just about hear him getting hard from almost 1800 miles away. 'So you are getting yourself waxed and pierced and are buying toys?" yes. "What are you getting into?" I have decided to find a submissive. "whoooooaaaa.......I could totally see that being something you could do." why? "Well you were always very edgy and tough, all I gotta say is I wish I was closer." you are too old and you arent in good enough shape."So what are you looking for?" I decided at this point to really break it off in him and leave him drooling on himself with all kinds of thoughts that would have him sitting up until the wee hours of the morning contemplating just what he had let get away. Well, my age limits are no younger than 23, no older than 35,between 5'9-6'3 150-220 height and weight proportional, cant be bald, must have endurance and be articulate and self-supporting and able to follow instructions, preferably with tattoos so I know hes capable of enduing at least a reasonable amount of pain, and I would prefer him to not be looking for a relationship. "What! you aren't looking for a relationship?" Outside of being my sub? no I dont want the hassle of some boy expecting me to change who and what I am to accommodate him at this point in the game. He was quiet for a long time and I know he was sitting there either spanking it or pricing plane tickets to Portland, but I was doing my best to not crack the hell up and thanking God that I have a much better poker face for this kinda thing than my sis. When he finally came back, I knew he had bought it, hook line and sinker..."Soo what are your hard limits?" LOL, the fool had been on Google trying to catch me in a lie so I upped the ante. The typical, no blood or body fluids of any kind, no choking or edge/needle play (DUH! he knows my knife issues), safewords are a must, written contract, health checks on both with testing required every 90 days, I prefer someone with previous experience. That little paragraph shut him up for quite a while because he didnt expect me to have a solid reply so quickly,(gotta say all the BDSM and Slash fic I have read have paid off in spades!) and I was dying laughing picturing his face as he read it. I knew it was time to leave him wondering, so I abruptly said, kid barfing, ttyl

Leaving that way, he could not be sure if I was telling the truth or just cutting him off, so he left a message,"Oh, okay...talk to you more later, okay?" maybe...after I let him sit and wonder and dwell for a few days.

Dear Roger; Hippy Tea, Control,Cooking Texas Style in The Land Of Bland

Well Rog, its been a accomplish not a damn thing kinda week. I had a nasty run of Suicide migraines early in the week and that took the wind right outta my sails and left me sitting on the couch wondering if my eyeballs were gonna crawl totally out of my skull this time or just simply implode.The tinnitus was insane, but I have gotten through it and I am coping. It was weird but my doctor called me the day after the worst attack of them and told me that they had scheduled me an appointment with a neurologist,I was left sitting here wondering just how the hell she knew that the timing couldnt have been better? WEIRD.

Ive really cut down on my coffee habit and that is another weird thing. I am actually drinking more and more of that stuff I call "Hippy tea" or "Chai", its kinda a strange flavored blend of God knows what, hot tea and its actually not too bad. Its supposed to be better for me, but hell! at this point in the game its not like that really matters. Im still struggling to keep an ass in my pants. I gain a few pounds and then it falls right back off, but when you dont have an appetite, its hard to gain weight. I have been cooking more often and I even made breakfast the other day with grits and gravy, so its not like im not trying. Im cooking a pork tenderloin today to pull apart and make into green chili for burritos. When I told Chance what I was making, I swear the boy got the biggest smile I had seen on his face in months. He eats like food is free, and we all know its not, because there have been a few times we ran out and things got a little on the scary side, but its getting better now because I got a job. The downside is that it doesn't start for a couple of weeks, and its not a lot of money, and the hours may be hard to coordinate with daughters schedule.I figure it wont be too difficult because its only 4-12 hours a week, and I am damn sure not gonna get rich off of that, but at least it will give us some emergency funds. We are all so damn tired of not having two dimes to rub together by the end of the month, that we could just scream.

The ex is still making me crazy.I am torn between wanting to talk to my boys all the time and then not wanting to talk to him. His sister loaned him the money to save the house, so he was able to catch things up, so that means I wont be getting the boys sooner.Though I was stressing trying to support 4 kids on my own, I was so happy at the thought of having my babies all back with me. It tears my heart out to hear Sticky cry when I call and talk to him, and I just want to go get him.I cant go back to AZ,because when I call I can hear in my ex's voice that he revels in the fact that he thinks he won. He seems to enjoy telling me about all the changes he has made to the house and all of my things he is using. Some days he is okay,but then he just seems to revel in being cruel, so its status quo with him.

Chance got a concussion at football practice on Monday.I cannot express how badly that scared the ever loving hell outta me. They let him walk home alone and when he got here I should have known he was hurt bad because he was more irritable than usual, he was sweaty, nauseous and dizzy. I thought maybe he was just dehydrated so I got him a drink and then sent him to take a shower. He was still pale when he got out and grumpy and we bickered quite a bit, so he went to lay down. I made him get up after a couple of hours and take some tylenol and eat dinner, but he still was not himself. He told my friend Sus that he had gotten hit really hard in practice and nearly knocked out! Why the hell wasn't he taken to the hospital by the school? I want him to quit football because I know the problems that repeated blunt force impacts to the skull can create, and he is just too smart and talented to have to deal with that. I dont want my son to have to live with tinnitus and migraines and seizures, he has such a bright future, but he doesn't want to be seen as a quitter. Im trying to figure out a way to compel him to stop playing without being obvious about it,because frankly I am terrified he is going to get hurt worse.

Dear Roger:You Know Its A Good Week When You Get Told You Are Going To Hell More Than Once

Hehehe, Ive done it again Rog! Managed to upset sensibilities and offend those narrow minds and leave people wondering just what side of the sexual bread I butter things on. You would think that after giving birth to 5 damn kids,whining pretty much daily about what a drought of pecker I have been going though, that people would finally grasp the concept that I am straight! Weird,a bit into the S&M side of things, but STRAIGHT! Jeebus! But I am also a staunch defender of other folks rights,(as long as they are consenting adults) to love pretty much as they see fit. I responded to a comment about a Lesbian nurse being kicked out of the military that was posted on the Facebook page of a friend of mine from back home.No one else had said anything to the positive or the negative, so I took a stand and I said I was glad she had been reinstated to the military and I was glad she had gotten her benefits back, she EARNED them and they were hers. I stated my case,and I spoke my heart on the matter in a very public forum and I waited. I knew I wouldn't have to wait long, and I was surprised to see that I had gotten 4 people right off the bat that liked my comment,and then BOOM! I started getting the emails from the others."What are you gonna do when God comes", 'You are a sinner" (well duh, I never disputed that one)and the ever popular,"Dyke, you are going to hell". Okay, thats kinda offensive and it irked me, but I blew it off because those folks dont know me, but it really bothers me that people are still so damn narrow minded. I dont want to know about anybodies sexual habits.I dont wanna see it,(well, thats kinda a lie,because there are a couple of really hot young fellas that unh ...just do such wrong things to me mentally and seeing them naked,but NOT TOGETHER! NO!! would be wonderful) but to me, sex is private. I dont even like to see people kissing heavy in front of me(again, those guys,again not together) and my odd little predilections and desires would probably make most people feel really nervous, but to each THEIR OWN. So while I believe that homosexuals are in fact different, almost like a 3rd kinda blend of things,I dont wanna see it., just like I dont wanna see most anybody else bumping uglies. I do have a bit of a complaint with gay men though...why in the hell do so many of them have to be so damn good looking? Its just not fair.I have lost count since I have been up here in Portland of all the times I have seen a drop dead handsome,make me fall over my own feet,good looking man,only to see his equally devastatingly handsome partner with him! Its enough to make you just a little crazy. A friend of mine said she is a gay man in a womans body, and after seeing all the guys, I can see why!

I am considering getting pierced! hehehe I cant even say it without both giggling and wincing at the same time, but this is MY midlife crisis right? Soo, to go along with my hunt for a much younger boyfriend, I need some interesting bling and I thought what is a better conversation starter than the outline of a couple of rings where there shouldn't be? I talked to my sis about it because after all, she was the first to get anything other than an ear pierced in the family, and she told me she was gonna tattle on me, but I am a grown assed woman and its not like my momma or daddy can do a damn thing about it. I am also adding another tattoo on the back of my neck before I get the big one done, so I might as well have more fun. That will take me up to 7 tattoos up top, with most family only knowing about 3 of them(oops!)and if I get the two piercings on my chest, I may also have my tragus re pierced at the same time for the hell of it. Sis says it hurts like hell, but im not worried about that, not much of an issue with me. Im working on getting things in fighting shape and hopefully once things cool off for the winter, my skin will get back to normal and stop thinking we are going back through puberty! I am broken out so bad all over my body I look like I am actually going backwards and I really wouldnt want anyone to see me naked because its scary for me to see. My doctor was just like,"Oh well, you lived in Arizona for so long your skin is going to need time to adjust and it will take time." Til then, I just keep my clothes on and hope like hell I catch a break pretty soon.

Dear Roger; Tank Girl,Selective Hearing and Sabotage

Well its trying to make up its mind if its going to be cold up here, and man is it messing with me pretty hard! I have managed to get my first ear infection of the season and as I am writing this, I am waiting for my right eardrum to just go ahead and burst again. Im used to the pain,hell, we all know pain doesn't bother me, but the thought of losing even more hearing is really getting to me.As it is,I am pretty close to deaf in my right ear and people notice now that I cock my head funny when I am listening to them. Chance complains that my music is often too loud,thats right, my teen age son complains about my music being too loud, an often he tells me that he has to speak several times to get my attention if he says anything to me from my right side. Its pretty depressing. I would rather be anything other than deaf, and not that I think its a horrible thing in general, but that as a person who finds music as vital to life as breathing, I just cannot imagine my life without being able to hear it. Blindness would be scary, but after living with Amir and experiencing with him how he handled the world, I know its doable. But music...music is everything. Books can be in braille,or on tape if you lose your sight, and you can feel music though the beat, but its not the same. When my tinnitus gets really bad and it knocks out pretty much everything else, it just takes me to a dark place. Today all I have is a sharp buzzing in my right ear and the pain is pretty bad, which tells me that the pressure is pretty intense. Ive already taken Tylenol and Motrin to reduce the swelling and put heat on it, but even if I got in to see my doctor and got a shot of rocephin, its too late, by the time it takes effect, it will have burst again.So CRAP! I guess I will just be in a funk as I am headed to my job interview. Which is the actual bit of good news I have to report, I have a job interview today and another interview tomorrow! They are mcjobs, meaning the types of jobs that would drive you nuts for me even considering them, but they are survival jobs that will pay some bills until I can get back into school and writing and they wont require me to think. I like that, I can just shut my brain off at the door, do a numb nuts job and then come home and relax, its not like being a cop or a medic, where I brought it home all the time and wrestled with it in the wee hours. The downside is, both are working with the general public, but maybe that will be good for me, I do need to work on trying to not tell people to go fuck themselves quite soo much. I might actually find a boyfriend if I could learn to keep myself leashed up just a wee bit.

Kids are getting excited about Halloween, and this year I am dressing up as well. Sis wants to go as Rosalie from Twilight,(Holy hell what a fitting character choice!!) and I am going as" Tank Girl" my favorite comic book/movie character. I already have the clothes and stuff, so I wont have to buy anything for me, and Sis will just need a little help, but she has most of her stuff already too. Chance is going as a rock star...big surprise! Not. The boy has taken to wearing ratty jeans, ratty shirts, more bling than a rapper and he convinced me to buy him another hair color kit, so now his hair isn't an odd orangey gold color anymore, its more a weird brownish blackish purple color. Hes just a strange boy. I replaced his "I love Boobies" bracelet and then Trina asked if I could get a couple for her and my niece. Considering all the crap she has been through with her breast cancer issues, I had no problem picking her up a couple and I even bought myself one. She is still on that every 90 day mammogram protocol and I know it has to be stressful for her. I worry about her all the time. My niece is a cool kid, and shes the one that got me started on the whole Twilight fiasco, soo, I guess I should send her a goodie or two more often. I wish she could come up here this summer, we would have a blast, because she is every bit the mess my sis was when she was younger.

I sabotaged the gnarly t-shirt of Chances. It had pit stains,coffee stains,(he doesn't even drink coffee so that was weird), and other just grossness on it. I had stain treated it several times and tried to get them out, but it wasn't working, so I put oxyclean on it in copious amounts, straight, and left it sitting...for 3 days. What is left of it will make a nice cleaning rag.He tried to retaliate by taking my 100 Monkeys t-shirt with evil intentions, but I trumped that by threatening to repossess his computer or to post less than flattering updates on all his social networking pages, along with pictures, he called me ,"Evil, sadistic,diabolical, psychotic and cruel" and I have to say, the boy knows me too well. But I love my t-shirt and it only has one little hole and a less than noticeable coffee stain on it, but I actually drink coffee!