Dear Roger:I Think My Family Needed A Hobby In March

Its like a financial apocalypse for me and the rest of my family in December. As if Christmas isn't bad enough, there is a plethora of birthdays that is shocking in their number and magnitude. Its almost as if you weren't born in December in this family, then you dont belong. I think the only reason I was born in April was by some weird mistake,(but thats a whole nuther topic of conversation),and I actually tried to avoid the whole December birthday thing for my kids, because truthfully when you are a December birthday kid, you usually get hosed on the gift end of things, and you know that as well as anybody with your birthday being so damn close to Christmas. Ill bet you got the whole,"This is for Christmas AND your birthday" line a million times, didn't you? I tried to list out all the December birthdays the other day and it was staggering, and even with that, I forgot my niece on the 17th! SO we have son on the 16th, nephew on 15th, niece on 17th, daughter on 18th,(I failed avoiding it after all),Gpa on 19th, dad on 20th YOU on 21st , sis on 1st. Oh and lets not forget to add to the mix this year, that my young daughter has decided to insist on drawing a birthday card for her favorite young rock star (who happens to share a birthday with you), and demanding I hunt up an address to mail it to and actually mail it. I had to hike my ass a mile up to the post office in the rain, stand in line feeling like an ass and mail the thing because I promised her...gah! As if I was enough of a dork. SO anyways, Son turns 15 in less than a week now and of course we are broke. I am down to 4 hours a week and with the end of the holiday season rapidly approaching, I will be getting laid off, but I have managed to get him a few things for him to enjoy, but it soo damn hard to figure out what makes a teen boy happy. He loves the guitar ALOT, in fact, I think I have gotten to mess with it maybe a couple of hours since I brought it home, and that was with him hovering over me like a nervous mother. He was nagging me about my finger placement and how I was holding it and just being aggravating to the point that I growled at him and gave it back. I swear he breathed a sigh of relief and petted it. Im willing to be he has named it, he sleeps with it next to his bed and spends hours with it in his room practicing and in fact, I heard the opening chords to "Wake Me Up When September Ends" last night and I thought it was on the computer, but it was HIM! Hes trying to force himself to read music, but he plays by ear really well, and he gets that from me. I cant read music to save my life, but I used to be able to hear a tune through once or twice and watch someone play it and then play it back, in fact, that is how I took 1st chair trumpet so fast in band.Our band director played trumpet and I watched him constantly until I told him I wanted to try it. Hopefully son will keep up with his playing. I got him all guitar related things, and for his birthday dinner I got to thinking about it and I cant afford to take all of us out and since he is a young man now I asked if he would like to take his girlfriend out to a lunch date at a nice restaurant. He was floored. I just thought I have to acknowledge that I see him as a young man with a separate life and that perhaps he would rather enjoy some time with her and we could have dinner at home together later. He about strangled me with the hug, so I think that was a 'Yes!".

He finally shaved yesterday. He had a full beard and mustache and daughter was making fun of him by calling him 'Werewolf boy" to his face...soo not cool. I may call him that, but I try to not call him that to his face, unless of course he leaves a pile of hair in the bathroom for me to be traumatized by when I pick up a towel.

Soo, back to birthdays, I have to go out in the rain today and buy b-day cards like some people buy Christmas cards. Of course with you gone and Gpa gone and dad and I dont really have much to say to each other, it makes it a little less to worry about, but I wish you were here, we would be making our own. I still have the one you sent me that year that had a giant BOO on the front with "did I scare you" written on the inside, in fact, I have all the letters and cards you ever sent me as well as the cards grandma and granpa sent me. I keep stuff like that and I am glad, its all I have left of you guys.

Dear Roger; Distance

Ive been a bit of a recluse again lately. I dont know why, I just tend to do this from time to time. I just elect to take a time out and withdraw from things. I haven't done any sketching or even too much writing on my main story, but I think that is because the memories of him were a bit more raw than I was willing to admit to myself. Nothing like having your heart ripped apart slowly over and over again over the course of a decade or more to leave a lasting scar. I haven't even spoken to family lately other than the two that live with me. Son has been okay to deal with. He is pretty excited about turning 15, though I dont know why. He is in another growth spurt and I am just about ready to pull my own hair out. He walked into the kitchen the other day and said," Mom, I think I need a new shirt." and then he showed me the shirt he was wearing, one that I had bought him back in June just before we left Arizona, his wrists hung out more than 3 inches and when he stretched his arms over his head, it gapped well above his fuzzy belly. He also needs a new razor because he got told to shave since he was rocking a beard and mustache. Its pretty bad that my not quite 15 year old son can grow fuller facial hair than some 25 year old men, and I am just floored that he looks so damn mature. He gave me quite a pause yesterday morning when we were in the kitchen joking around as he was eating half a bag of bagels for breakfast. He turned to laugh at me about something and just as he turned,I swear to God it was like a ghost was standing there. The same stance, the same smile, the same way the eyes crinkled up, same color hair...everything, Mike was in my kitchen. I guess I went a little pale because he grabbed my arm and said," Mom? you okay?" and it took me a minute, but yeah, I was okay. I was honest with him. I told him he looked exactly like his father in that moment and he was kinda contemplative for a moment and he said,'Well, thats a good thing in a way , right? after all, if he was able to get roles in movies, then maybe it will work out for me!" Leave it to my kid to see the bright side of things.

I think I saw my guitar yesterday for a few moments. Son has been practicing it every night for hours on end, and he sings along with it quite often too. I dont complain unless its a particularly whiney or emo piece because then that sets into motion a spiral of being bummed out that we all dont need, so we try to keep it light and happy around here. Last night was a bit of a failure in that department as I found myself lost in memories, but we snapped out of it later in the evening and everyone perked up. Daughter is great for that, she usually engages in some form of monkey related madness that we just cant help to laugh at and it helps to keep it all light. The poor cat is the usual victim of her craziness and she drags him and her stuffed monkey around the house like a couple of rag dolls.

My sis gets her surgery today. I am worried about her, but its for the best for her. I just hope she gets to recover like she is supposed to . She is just as much of a control freak as I am and I have no doubt she will try to be up and around taking care of things that she doesn't trust others to do right, the very same day. I haven't spoken to anyone back home in Texas in a couple of weeks. I really just dont have much to say and vice versa. My niece is on Facebook quite a bit and she sends me updates that let me know whats going on with folks and how the weather is and stuff, but since I am not willing to move back home, I am just kinda out of sight, out of mind. I do miss Texas, but the Texas I grew up in is gone. When I went back there a few years ago, so much had changed it made me crazy and a little depressed. The West End was all touristy and Deep Ellum was all yuppified. It felt violated. The grungy lil clubs I partied in are all respectable now and there aren't any wandering punks in those places, the cops in golf shirts on bicycles taze them and haul them off. I cant even imagine what Houston is like now since the hurricane hit. Austin would be the only place I would even remotely consider, but even it has changed and gotten expensive and strip malled. I used to wander back and forth across that state with no worries, sleeping in my car when I got tired of driving, visiting kin in little hick towns in West Texas, just wandering around trying to decide where I wanted to be, but it just doesn't feel the same and I think its more me than anything else that has changed. I cant find home within myself, so I damn sure cant find it within a place. Daughter told me she missed Arizona and it felt like my heart died just a little. I asked her if she wanted to go back to Flagstaff and to her father and she practically yelled at me, "NO! I just miss my brothers and Fergus, but I dont want to go back there." I dont think me or son had drawn a breath the entire time we waited for her to answer my question, because I have given her the right to make that decision, even if it breaks my heart.

Dear Roger; Issues of Faith

Well the light of a new day has shown things in a little brighter light, if you can call my bank account looking like a bomb hit it a brighter light. Amazingly, the charges were allowed to go through by my bank, but now I am in a hole that would take a ladder to get up out of. I am thankful that daughters presents will come through, but now I am stressed about paying bills next month if I cant find another job before then or if the ex doesn't make it right with the account. Its six of one, half a dozen of another as usual. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, but when I did finally pass out, I slept like the dead. Ive been doing that alot lately but I still feel tired alot. I think I am trying to hibernate or something to avoid the rest of the holidays.

My sis is having surgery on Friday. I haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks and I dont know why, we usually talk a least once a week, but since she is closer to becoming a grandma and so involved with her hubs and stuff, we just dont have so much in common. She is living her dream and I am so happy for her. Getting her breast tissue removed so she doesn't have to worry about the cancer anymore will be such a stress relief for her and hopefully she will be able to enjoy her boob job for years to come. I heard she was planning to go up to a D, though I dont know why? I have been a D since I was 12 and its a real pain in the ass to find bras and cute shirts. She was nagging me last time we talked to go in and get my biopsy done...its been a year now since I was supposed to do that, but Rog, I just am not gonna go there. Im tired. You know my theory on things, that once you find out from the damn doctors that it just seems to speed things up? Grandpa was fine until they told him the cancer was too far spread and he was dying, then dammit...he died. Uncle James was doing okay until they told him the cancer was in his kidneys and liver and then, he died. The damn doctors have done nothing for me for years except throw meds at me and do tests and stick needles in my spine and crap and I am done with all that. I am okay mostly, and I think its just better that I operate on the ,"No news is good news" theory.

Son and I have been butting heads on the whole issue of God and faith. He wants me to go to church. I try to politely decline on the basis that it is beyond my comfort zone because those people seem to have no problem with just walking up and grabbing me or touching me without asking. They stare at me and crowd me and I dont like it. I also have issues with the church music. I am a traditional hymn kinda person. I dont like this whole modern, lets have a damn band with a stadium sound system in the church , kinda set up. I like the old style hymns that came from the heart, sang from the heart with maybe a organ or a guitar as accompaniment. When I used to have faith, I went to a tiny, little wood frame church that looked like a church. It had wooden pews with a pulpit and an old minister with a bunch of old church ladies that made potlucks on special occasions. The floors of the church were wood, and it was old and traditional with trees surrounding it and a cemetery out back. Folks had been going there for their entire lives. I had to dress up to attend, no jeans were allowed. Men wore suits, I wore nice pants, but most girls wore dresses. I didn't go often but when I went it felt like church should feel. That church is gone now,the mine dug up that area for lignite and tore it down. I dont like the big McChurchs with the sound systems and people in jeans and stuff, it doesn't feel right, but then again, God and I have our issues.

When he took G in the way that he did, I quit going to church. It was hard enough to drive past that spot where he died without pausing there and being reminded. But I also couldn't reconcile the belief in a being that would take someone I cared about in such a hideous manner, so I had to take time to consider things. Then grandpa got sick...and he suffered, for months and months, in pain that not even the strongest morphine could touch. I heard mom talking to dad on the phone after she left to go help grandma. Dad wasn't particularly careful about keeping me from knowing what was going on, in fact I think he was angry that mom was gone and wanted to spread the pain. Then when grandpa finally died and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral to say goodbye...that was another step away. But I slammed the door when the night I was up on the Piggly Wiggly parking lot with my friends, drinking beer and talking and a preacher came up to testify to me and try and "Save me from corruption."I asked him why God would take two people like G and my grandpa when there was so much evil in the world, that G had been a good and kind boy who had reached out to me and been kind and my grandpa had been an honorable and hard working man who had served his country and dedicated his life to service to others? The preacher asked me," Were they in church every Sunday and paying the tithe?" I said that G was but a boy and my grandpa had to work to support his family, so they couldn't always go to church. The preacher said to me,"They are both burning in hell for their sins." Rog, that was the first time I ever punched a grown assed man in the face. I think I would have killed him if my boyfriend at the time hadn't grabbed me and thrown me in the car. I knew then that if that was what God and his minions were all about , I wanted none of it.

I have seen so much in my life. Senseless death, suffering, loss, and things that just seem to not make sense. I try to reconcile that some of it is fate, some of it is karma, some of it is just the way of the world. But getting my son to understand that faith, or lack of it, is a deeply personal thing that cannot be forced down someones throat in a church that they do not feel comfortable in, is a very difficult thing. I am not sure what I believe anymore. I do hope that there is an afterlife where I will find you and G once again. I hope that there is forgiveness and that my atonement and intentions account for something, but I dont think my faith is meant to be mediated by another person, its between me and my God. The strangest things move me. The purity of a voice singing, the beauty of a sunset, the love in the eyes of my child, small miracles that I witness from time to time, but I dont find them sitting in a chair in a McChurch, I just hope son can understand that and if he is able to find it there, I am happy for him, but its not for me.

Dear Roger; If It Aint one Damned Thing, Its Another

Well Rog, you know how I said I felt like I was living under Murphys law? Well, I think the last few days has damn sure proven that. I thought I was doing good with trying to put together a decent Christmas and birthday for the kids. I mean, its been hard being away from their siblings and friends and any other family they would care to be around, but the thought of having a crappy Christmas on top of it was killing my soul, so I was budgeting so damn carefully. I scored the guitar and that was a family present that has lit a fire in my boy like nothing else, so that has made his birthday. I had ordered sis her dvd and a pair of sunglasses to replace the sunglasses her brother had stepped on, and I had even ordered him a pair and yea, I had ordered myself a hoodie to replace the t-shirt I had given to a girl that was absolutely dying for a t-shirt. I had most of the bills handled with some creative juggling and was trying to pick up a few extra hours to give us a few lil things we could send to the boys in case the ex failed once again, but then...the domino effect hit me. Ex calls and says, "Uhh, you know how when I took the van back in JULY I was supposed to get the title transferred and get insurance on it?" yeah..."Well, I didnt do that and I just got a ticket, so what do I do about it?" you are going to have to pay it and get the insurance on and get the damn title transferred and pay the fees for that " Well, I am going to have to have help, because I already spent most of my money for this week." Never mind the fact he makes more money than me because he gets more hours and has a higher paying job right now, and the fact his mortgage payment is lower than my rent,(thanks to me) and if he had done what he was supposed to do MONTHS ago he wouldnt be in this situation, but NOO, instead, he went online and went to the first damn website that popped up and bought some fecking expensive insurance instead off just calling Triple AAA and adding their insurance to the policy I already had on the van. That was the first domino. Then, the things that I had ordered for sis, refunded the money they had taken out of my account, back into that same account...are you following me? You can see the coming disaster cant you? yeah...He hit that account, drained it, its now over drafted nicely. My tight budgeting does not allow for any fuck ups of his level. He is not a 100 Monkeys fan at.all. I think it has just a little bit to do with daughter telling him that she loved the lil rock star more than him, but that could be conjecture on my part. I felt like high 5'ing her when she said that and broke it off in him, after all, lil rock star made her smile and happy, didn't yell and scare the hell out of her by taking a straight razor to her momma in front of her, so anyhoo, now , daughters and mine,(but im used to it) Christmas is fragged. Im scrambling around trying to figure out what or who I could sell to come up with the funds to still get an order in in enough time for her to have it under the tree, but DAMMIT! I wish I could just close out that account, but as long as he has my boys down there, I have to have a way for them to have access to funds and such. The last domino for this evening is im getting a migraine, can feel it building and I think I am going to find a hole to crawl into for the next lil bit and just have a pity party.

Dear Roger: Navigating Through Puberty Blind

People that said boys were easier to raise were damn, dirty, liars! Boys are every bit as difficult as girls with the added caveat of they are often more destructive. It has been like living with a werewolf with a hand grenade up its butt. You never know when its going to explode and leave a mess all over the place or what is going to set it off. I love my son dearly. I have sacrificed so much for him, as a mother should for their child, but his teen years are sucking the life out of me.

He alternates between a kinda ambiguous ambisexuality that leaves me wondering if hes gay, to getting caught getting felt up by his girl friend in the back of my friends car. He is a slob that has a room that looks like a hobo mosh pit, and an appetite that frankly, scares me. He eats constantly but is as skinny as a rail. He now towers over me and he grows out of clothes seemingly daily. I try to talk to him about how things are going for him, and sometimes he will talk to me, but most of the time he just grunts at me and goes back to either playing the guitar or talking to friends on his computer. He has never really had a good male role model and that worries me. He has no one to talk to about what all went on in his life and last night when his best friend had a family fight and ended up at our house for a bit, my son was tense and nervous and I could tell he was remembering things back in Arizona. It got worse from there, the boy decided to go get his backpack for school and my son went with him. I dont know what happened, son wont talk about it, but he came home distraught and shaking and without his friend. I dont know if the parents had the kid arrested as a runaway, or if the fight got worse or what? I intend to find out today, but I am pretty ticked off that they embroiled my son in it.

Ive tried asking guys I know what I should do to help him or how I should deal with his issues, but most of them just tell me to find someone at his church. The problem with the church is that its mostly older, rich, family men who have no idea what he has been though and there is no commonness of culture. Hes a poor kid who has never known a father, abused by a step father and shuffled around the country, separated from his brothers, no real grandparents,but he has never been in trouble, never been in fights, doesn't do drugs, is kind and respectful to people and when he isn't being all emo, his grades are stellar an his test scores are through the roof. Hes gifted in music and athletics and hes good looking to the point that he gets looks from all ages, so he has the potential to do what he wants, but he hasn't got that fire that will take him there. He is just wandering along and that worries me. He s apathetic and I think a big part of it is that he feels hopeless and I am unsure what to do about it. Hes a good boy and I would do anything for him, I just wish I knew where to start. I tried to have a conversation with him about the need to protect himself and that if he was fooling around with his girlfriend he needed to take into consideration that there were worse things that pregnancy, and the minute I said "condoms" the boy freaked out and jumped up telling me,"MOM! stop, nothing happened! I am not doing anything, we didn't do anything, I have no intention of doing anything! Lets NOT have this conversation right now, I am celibate, I am a virgin, OKAY?! " soo I started crying and hugged him which embarrassed him and he patted me on the back trying to calm me down and I just was so relieved. He is going to be 15 in a couple of weeks and I just hope that he keeps that thought and stays safe, because God knows that having a kid young or being a single parent is brutally hard, I have agonized over every decision I have made,every single day. Protecting him from his father has been hard,it meant we did without soo many things, and things he rightfully should have had, such as the financial stability that his fathers support could have given him, but his father was a man who kept his word about things, especially things that dealt with revenge, and when he told me that he would kill me and the baby, I believed him. I still believe him. I never saw him not keep his word when he said he was going to do something terrible. My sons safety was worth more than than anything his father could have provided, and when that state investigator came back and said that he had found valid proof to believe that his father was a viable threat to the safety of myself and my child, I knew we had to just vanish and stay hidden. I tried twice as my son got older to reach out and see if attitudes altered but his father was still just threatening and the paternal grandparents were offended that there was even a child. My son wants to know his father, and I have seen on his Facebook page that he lists his hometown as Santa Monica, but I just hope and pray that he waits until he is a big enough and strong enough to handle all the repercussions of that meeting.

Dear Roger:That Texas Mean Streak May Just Be Genetic

Its been a busy week for me. I finally nutted up and posted not one, but two stories and it was terrifying. I haven't done anything like that in decades and all the self-doubt came bubbling to the surface after I hit that send button and I about withdrew both of them within minutes of doing it, but then I started getting reviews...people like them! They are not happy tales with pleasant endings, hell they are based of things I lived through so you KNOW that they aren't the fluffy bunny, rainbow kinda things. I still cannot believe I did it, and I didn't tell anybody in my real life about it. They wouldn't understand that something I used to to with ease and pride now comes with difficulty, but hell, maybe my self-confidence will come back with all the reviews.

I haven't gotten to see much of my guitar since I got it. My son has been messing with almost constantly and I am glad. The only issue we had was when he took it to our friends house for an impromptu jam session and lesson and our friend decided to re-tune my guitar! I wasn't too happy about that, but I didn't make a deal of it because I want my son to keep playing.

Daughter had a choir concert at her church this past Sunday. She was quite the stress case in the days leading up to it and she was practicing almost constantly so she would be perfect. During the concert, a little girl in front of her kept fidgeting and messing with her skirt, not following along with the songs, or generally being a typical 6 year old kid. I could see the irritation building on sis's face, and it reached a boiling point when the little girl bumped into her and almost knocked her off the riser. Right there, in front of the entire church congregation, my daughter took her booted foot and put it right to the ass of that other little girl! I about fell out if my chair laughing as did most of the congregation. Everyone could see as my daughter then put her hands on her hips and proceeded to bless out the other little girl, right there on stage during the concert.She then flounced her hair back over her shoulder and went right back to singing with her perfectly angelic face looking as innocent as the day she was born.

Daughter is quite the pistol and I am not sure what to think of her some days. She has made so much progress since we have been up here. She smiles so much more and she really shows her artistic and dynamic side. She is still pretty wary around men, and yelling or tension really freaks her out and she shuts down if she hears that, but overall she is doing quite well. She is just as devoted as ever to her quirky young rock star and she spent over 2 hours yesterday drawing a birthday card for him, so I guess I have to find somewhere to mail it. I got her some of his bands memorabilia for Christmas. I hope that will make up for the fact our Christmas is gonna be pretty damn thin this year. The ex got a ticket at the worst possible time so its going to hit us pretty hard because he is going to have to have help, otherwise my boys wont have a Christmas at all.

I miss my sons so damn hard. A little boy with Downs was up on the stage during daughters concert and I lost it when he started dancing along, much like Sticky would have done. Of course the ex had to add to it later by telling me that when he was asked what he wanted for Christmas he said,"I want my mommy." I miss my babies so damn much, I wish my ex was someone capable of keeping his word, but I cannot risk that for my daughters sake, I have a feeling the next time I ended up on the wrong end of a straight razor with him, I wouldn't be walking away, we are just too dangerous around each other.

Dear Roger: Death Dreams,Strap Ons and a 6 Toed Cat

Well as you can see by the picture, I finally just went a bought me a damned guitar. Couldn't really afford it, but couldn't really afford not to because I was getting a bit buggy without something to pluck around with. Chance and I have been taking turns with it and so far it seems to be working out okay. I am still writing like crazy, in fact, I am just taking a bit of a break from the story to reconsider a part of it and to allow my brain to just rest a bit. Its hard to rehash so much of the things that went down, though Chance claims that I have been in a much better mood since I started writing about it. I told it it feels like finally throwing up after being sick for a really long time. You fight that queasy feeling because you know its going to be bad, you change positions, maybe even eat some bland crackers to try and make it pass, but until you finally give in and just throw up, you dont feel right, and writing this story out is my way of throwing up. I guess I am finally starting to feel better.

Chance and I even joked quite a bit about the guitar and he was even enjoying listening to me trying to start playing again. I am so far out of practice its not even funny, but I plan on spending as much time as I can when I am not writing, getting back into it, because I have 6 songs that I need to set to a tune. I started plucking out the one that really keeps speaking to me, "Over-Privileged ,Dirty White Boy Blues" and the glass slide really made sis freak out. She insisted I was hurting the guitar or doing something wrong, but I guess she just doesn't get the whole Blues style.

Chance and I had quite a debate over putting the strap on the guitar. He is fixing to be 15 years old, so you would think I would know better, but NOOOO, silly me, I tossed the strap at him and said," Son, I need you to put the strap on." The little snot just started giggling and before I could even say anything he said," Thats what she said." Rog! I could not believe it! My 15 year old son made a "strap on" joke to me! Oh my God! I was flat speechless for a minute or two just kinda blinking at him and then all I could say was,"Duuuude, thats just WRONG on soo many levels." He turned red then and said,"Yeah, I know, im sorry, but you gotta admit, its funny." And yeah, it was funny, but maybe if he was 25 and not 15!

Ive been having the weirdest damn dream lately. I dont usually dream very vividly or remember them, but I have had this one fairly frequently and it has occurred several times over the past week or two and to the point that its got me a bit bugged trying to figure out just what the hell it means. I keep dreaming about death, as in mine.

I have never expected to go out all quiet and peaceful like in my own bed or in my sleep, I tend to dance a little to closely on the edge of things for that to happen, but this is so damn clear that got me to actually doing some thinking. In my dream, I am walking up Eastman with my earbuds in and even the song is clear, "Long road Home" and I am wearing my favorite jeans and my fire dept sweatshirt,(which I hardly ever wear because its getting fragile),my leather jacket and my oldest boots, and my favorite black hat, and I have my new Washburn in the gigbag on my back headed back from somewhere downtown when a grey truck jumps the curb at the corner and hits me from behind as I am walking up the hill and spot G standing under a tree at the top of the hill. It was so damn vivid last night that I woke up this morning with my back hurting, seeing his face in my mind again. Its a bit disconcerting to be dreaming of getting smacked by a damn truck when I walk past that very spot today and there is evidence of previous accidents in that very spot. I am not one to go hedging my bets, so perhaps I will avoid that part of the road for a bit,though both of us know if its time for me to come a calling, I wouldn't be sorry to see you.

Ended up with another stray for the time being, someone dumped an odd little 6 toed cat on our front door step so we have taken her in until we either find her a new home or her owners or things settle down. Right now, her and our other cat arent getting along and its wearing us all down.