Dear Roger; Dreams of Black Sheep

Well this was not the best of Mothers days, but then again since Robert had the bad taste to die on the holiday 4 years ago, I haven't really felt like celebrating it. I spent most of the day moping around on the couch, reading whatever drifted across my computer screen, looking a pictures of the pretty boys that I enjoys looking at, and then manically doing laundry and dishes.

The kids went back to church today. I dont blame them. They enjoy church as a social event if nothing else and that is pretty much what they come home talking about. Son went on to hang out with his girlfriends family for the day and they took him over to Vancouver for the day. Daughter hung out around the apartment, driving me right up the wall. When I am in mopey mode its best to just leave me to lurk on the couch in peace and quiet, but she insists on talking and asking me 50 questions a minute as well as dragging out everything I put away. I know she misses her brothers, and honestly, large in part of my problem today was that I missed her other two brothers as well. I called and talked to them for a little bit, but they were busy with little boy things and they aren't huge fans of talking on the phone, so it was a short conversation. I miss them horribly and the conversations didn't really help with that much.

It rained again today, but it is finally showing signs of warming up around here. I dont care if the sun shines or not,but I dont want it to be cold anymore. I am getting tanned by going to the tanning booth at my gym and I am also getting in pretty damn good shape as well, so its not like I just sit inside and mope all the time.

I was thinking about Robert a lot today. I can imagine if he was alive we would be talking pretty damn regularly on FB or twitter and catching up on things. I talk to my other cousins off and on, but we dont have quite the rapport that Robert and I had, I guess us black sheep just had a language all our own. I have spoken to people I went to high school with and I found that I had more of a connection with them than I ever imagined, oddly enough, all because of that same odd little band! The world is a very small place Rog, and sometimes it feels like the strings that connect us all are wound a little tighter the closer you get to Texas. I have been thinking about making a trip back to West Texas to visit Robert and my kin, and now I have a friend back there to maybe see as well. Ive been dreaming about driving across West Texas lately. Dont know what the hell that means, but its been recurring over the past week or so and its a bit off for me. I never drive across West Texas during the day if im on my own, I never drive a small car, and I never go unarmed and in my dream I am doing all those things headed back WEST of all things!, so I dont know what it means, but maybe I need to do some research to sort it all out.

Dear Roger: Awkward Overtures, or Trying to Meet a Man

I am back at it again, trying to show my interest in some poor fool that should probably run as fast as he can. I am really bad at it though, so he is probably safe. He comes into the Starbucks I hang out at and I find him to be pretty interesting. Hes not conventionally handsome, as a matter of fact, he looks like a ginger haired Snape, but he has the same kind of aura about him and I find that rather alluring. We have exchanged glances, but I tend to vapor lock and be unable to go beyond that. For some reason my abilities to communicate with the opposite sex revert to middle school level when I am truly interested in someone. I ought to just give up and be content with remaining manless, but I REALLY would like some company, at least on a temporary basis, but I am exceedingly picky. What I find desirable in a man has changed soo dramatically as to be a bit shocking. No longer to I look at the overpowering, strongly masculine, powerful men. Now I tend to look at the oddly slight, younger, artsy, musician, often tattooed, I could kick their asses, fey kind of men. Perhaps it relates back to my issues with my ex, I dont know, but the type of man I previously liked, makes me nervous and uncomfortable.

Its been a busy week for me. I have been getting out of the house every day so I dont just sit here and feel sorry for myself. I took the kids to see 'Rango" and we loved it. The pop culture references were flowing so fast and furious in that movie that I was rapt just keeping up with them and it was fantastic and funny to see something soo well thought out and funny. It was a treat for adults and for kids.

I have been hitting the gym as often as I can. Tanning has been helping my skin and working out has been helping not only my shape, but my mood. I feel almost euphoric when I have had a good work out, except on days when my damn knee is driving me crazy. There are a few good looking guys that work out there and I enjoy watching them almost as much as I enjoy working out.

I have concert tickets for Flogging Molly! That was quite a coupe for me and I am thrilled to be able to go and see them. Even if I end up going alone, I will enjoy the show I am sure. They are one of my favorite bands of all time and I am looking forward to seeing them as much as I am looking forward to seeing the 100 monkeys. Living in Portland is sometimes cold and dreary due to the weather, but the constant flow of things to do and see makes it all worth it. I love this city and living in it is a constant adventure.

Dear Roger: Picking At The Edges Of A Wound

I survived the meeting the other day. It wasn't particularly fun, after all, I had to ride the bus all the way down to hell and gone to get there, and that is always and interesting symphony of smells and experiences, but I got there and then filled out all the paperwork. I then had to wade through a personality survey and a psyche profile that is a "one size fits all" piece of garbage that seeks to discover just how twitchy I am at this point in the game. I was pretty blunt about things. There is really no point about trying to hide or blow smoke up anyones ass about how I feel about my life at this point, so I got all that done and I am sure they will find it pretty interesting. Not having a relationship with your parents and being pretty open about telling them you only live for your kids, is like a "BAM" this person has ISSUES kinda indicator.

I had to talk to the psychologist next. Its her job to assess if I have healed well enough from my PTSD to be able to enroll in an educational or job training program and get on with my life. Its a program with will help me get a bit of a nudge into getting a decent job as well, but I have to jump through all these hoops and some of them are a real pain in the ass. This was the worst of them. She asked me about pretty much everything guaranteed to get a rise out of me. The only thing that really got a dramatic reaction though, was when she asked about you. I still cant talk about you. I can talk about my ex and all the shit he did to me, and I can even joke about it with a sort of gallows humor. I can talk about my parents and all the crap I went through with them. I can talk about the death of G to some extent and keep it together. I was even able to talk about Robert and grandma and grandpa, but then she asked about what I did to vent or relieve stress and I said I write this mess here, and she started asking about you and I lost it. I am so tough and hard core about most things. I dont hardly cry over anything anymore, but when she started flicking at the edges of losing you and I remembered that day and that damned phone call, I couldn't breathe. She said I need grief counseling in a very serious way. Haha! Yeah, maybe about what? 16 years ago now? Its just my pain to bear. I mourn all of you and sometimes I think that is my lot in life, to be the one who remembers and mourns for you and all the ones who are gone. It seems like everyone else has forgotten.

I got through the rest of it. It was like having your guts ripped out and dumped on the floor and poked through, and then when they were done they just tell you, "Okay! we will tell you in a few weeks how twitchy you are." I stayed home yesterday and put myself back together and just did some writing and thinking. It was no surprise my back hurt, I was so damn tense all day that it was hard to relax to sleep. I must have looked pretty pissed off and stressed on the bus, no one messed with me or sat next to me and it was crowded!

Another good thing about living in Portland, I get to wear all the black I want and no one gives me a sideways glance over it. If we get to move to where I want to move to this summer, we will fit right in. The SE area is pretty funky and interesting and its where I had wanted to be in the first place. I am looking at apartments down there and if all goes well, we will hopefully find a place we can afford that is on the bus line and a good fit for us.

Dear Roger: Ignore The Blood On The Floor, Ill Be Okay

I have an appointment today that I would much rather not keep, but since the wonderful state of Arizona managed to lose all the supporting records for my umm ahem...history? regarding my issues with knives, razors, large men holding me by the throat, crowds, my tendency to react violently when Im approached in what I perceive to be an aggressive manner by a man, my insomnia and my other fun little glitches, I have to go and meet with a person who will evaluate how well or(not) I have been doing at getting over these issues. They are also going to evaluate my suitability for various career fields. How they do this is by making me dredge up all the fun things that made me the fun person I am today. I get to relive all the wonderful experiences that I had over my life for this person, discuss with them how or how they dont affect me any longer and then I get to walk out of that office, get back on a bus and come home and try to shove all that stuff back into the storage locker in my head that I had it locked in so carefully. It promises to be a fun day.

I sat up quite late last night debating how to even get to the office. Should I take the bus or the train? Should I leave early? Should I take the route that has the most walking? What if I am late? I dont have enough money for the later fare on the train if it runs past 6 hours. I just wish I could blow it off, but if I want to get into a different schooling program, I have to cooperate. I did not sleep well last night, so I am pretty jangled this morning. I have chewed my nails to the nubs and the sides of my fingers are looking like I need to be sure to carry my guitar pick with me so I quit worrying them to death. The kids know I am tense and they are just letting me be this morning so I can stew and think about things. I charged my ipod last night, dug out my 100 Monkeys hoodie,(my erstwhile security blanket) and I have changed clothes 3 times. I dont like talking about some things. I am pretty open about most of it, but these people have a way of getting under my skin and making me admit things that are hard to admit. Its weird for a former cop to admit that they wanted to kill someone. Its weird to say those words and to know that you meant them. Discussing the "Feelings" about things are the worst. I have some far from much of that. I socialize, I talk to men, I enjoy their company in limited and controlled amounts, I get out and go visit different places, but I want to put the past behind me and keep moving forward , but meetings like this keep dragging me back into the morass that was misery and it is showing this morning.

Dear Roger: Why Yes, Yes That IS A Monkey In My Pocket

This will be the first Easter that I wont be cooking a family Easter dinner. My youngest sons are still in AZ with my ex, my eldest son is going to dinner after church services with his girlfriends family, and daughter and I will be staying home. Apparently the differences that have existed between Sus and myself have finally become to much to bear and what started off as a miscommunication has more than likely put an end to our tenuous hold on friendship.

She had invited daughter to the churches Easter Egg hunt on Monday. In fact, son and daughter had gone over to her house and had helped to dye eggs for the hunt. We had met up again on Wednesday when we went to the grocery store together, and we had firmed up plans even more, as well as the fact she had sent me a couple of text messages letting me know it was a go, so I did not see the need to check in daily to make sure it was all still as we had discussed. I had figured if anything changed, she would let me know. My daughter was expecting to go, she was excited and we all got up, got showered early, and I even did her hair up pretty so she would look extra nice. I was planning on going with, and I sent Sus a text at 0830 let her know we were ready. We got no response. At 0930, when it was too late to attend the egg hunt up at the local elementary school, I sent a message to Sus, asking if we were still going or if things had changed. Asking that she please let us know so that we did not spend our entire day sitting around waiting. It was a rare sunshiney day and there was no way in hell I was spending it stuck inside. Sus called me back and she said that her husband had told her that if we were planning on going then we should have called and confirmed?! What the fuck? Since when does someones husband get in the middle of an A&B conversation? Then she tried to claim that the only time I call is when I want daughter taken somewhere! That is soo not true! She takes my daughter to church. I have called to invite her to lunch or to other places, but she doesn't get up until HOURS after I do. I am out the door and down the street before she even gets out of bed. I have called to invite her out, but she doesn't like to go the same places I go, and other times she has been up her husbands butt or doing stuff at the church or with her parents or something like that. We lead two pretty different lives. But what really got to me was how often when I am with her, she is on the phone or she gets into long, involved, phone conversations with people. We aren't hanging out with each other, we are just keeping each other from being alone and thats dysfunctional. It also really hurt my feelings that her son has never once spent the night at my house. He wanted to last night my son told me, but she told him no, as if we aren't good enough. I have raised a good kid. He has had to to without a lot of the things that her son has had, and he is still doing good in all his classes, still participating in sports, hasn't been detention, hasn't been in serious trouble. I dont treat my son like an inmate, I trust him to make informed decisions about what he watches on tv or the computer and I know hes not some kind of deviant.

So after we exchanged rather heated words over the phone this morning, I had to deal with my 7 year old in tears because not only did she miss her churches Easter egg hunt, she also got screwed out of the one up at the school. I had a long heart to heart talk with her and we reached a couple of decisions. She is no longer going to burden them with her presence by needing a ride to their church because after we are going to finally find the Methodist church we have been looking for. We aren't going to take a step back and look at making some new friends. We know we can do it, after all, we have already found a few that think like us and have some of the same beliefs. We believe in,"Live and let love" and we like different people and cultures, and we think the boys that walk by holding hands are cute and okay, not,"Gross or disgusting". There are lots of music fans around, who dont mind tattoos and or who think looking and acting different is just fine. Im still a punk at heart, and I may send my kids to church, but I have issues with faith for myself that I really dont want to get into with a minister that I dont like, or in a church where I dont fit in because while I may be over-educated, I am waay the hell poorer than 3/4 of the membership, but I still consider myself to be a better citizen because I am not suborning breaking of laws or supporting of those who continue to flaunt the law with the indulgence of the ministry that on one hand begs nickels and dimes from children before they are allowed to participate in church activities, yet has a better sound system for its band than many professional rock bands. We will be seeking a humble church that remembers the message and the roots from whence it came, and I will seek my friends there.

We made some new friends in the park today, which is where we ended up after I got lil girl to stop crying. We walked down to the nearest ice cream place and I bought her a cone. We walked over to the park and she ate her cone while I played lizard on one of the benches out in the sun. When she finished her cone, she started running around and she encountered one of her friends from school. They had a good time on the swing while the mom and I chatted for a bit and it turns out we have a lot in common. Both of us have dealt with a bad ex and domestic violence, kids that have had a hard time adjusting to all the trauma, and we have had to deal with the whole shame and self doubt of even trying to start our lives over. We ended up exchanging phone numbers and planning on talking more. So maybe today happened for a reason.

Daughter and I walked on down to Kmart and of course I ended up carrying her goofy monkey,"Jackson". I dont even really question it anymore when she grabs it up before we leave to go somewhere, I just tell her to be sure to not lose it because I am not hunting over hell and half of Portland for him if she lost him,(though we all know I damn sure would), in a heart beat. I always end up stuck with him hanging out of my back pocket, getting the funny looks from people as we wander up the sidewalk, as if people aren't quite sharp enough to figure out that the monkey belongs to the lil blonde kid that is dancing up the sidewalk in front of me like she doesn't have a care in the world.

Dear Roger: Im Old And The World Is Getting Smaller

Well, I survived my birthday, but just barely. I decided to celebrate by going to the gym with my bestie, Chels, and of course I overdid the hell out of it. I put on my ipod and got on a machine an elliptical machine, its like a combination of cross country skiing and snow shoeing. You can set it so that it has different tensions and makes you work your ass off. I was feeling a bit cocky so I let it go on 'Work your ass off" setting, turned my Ipod to my most raucous 100 Monkeys mix and I hit it hard. I am pretty proud of the fact I lasted 20 minutes on that torture device without having a heart attack. It has a monitor that keeps track of your heart rate and when mine hit 174 I figured it was time to get my goofy ass of the thing and take a break. I made it through the end of "Orson Brawl" by sheer cussededness, but I had jelly legs getting off of it.

I stood there, leaning against the machine, trying to look cool, but the fact of the matter was, if I had tried to walk away from it, I would have ended up face down on the floor. It took me a little bit to get so I could walk around without my knees buckling, but once they got back to normal, I hit the weights and worked my arms and abs until I was good and exhausted. I worked my glutes and such as well and I was glad to see I can still push 140 with my legs, but I would only press 75 more than 5 times. I have really lost my upper body strength, and it was mainly due to the lack of stability in my dang left shoulder. I am going to get some tension bands for the house and start working out at the house as well so maybe I can get that better, but I was able to to some pull ups, so I am not a total marshmallow, except in my former color, before I went into the tanning booth, for too long.

I discovered the hard way that I am what was "Pale" and that I should have only spent about 2-3 minutes in the booth. 8 minutes for my first time was not wise at all. Lobster is not a good look and burning your butt as well as your boobs really kinda stinks. I learned my lesson though and will be more careful the next time. I saw a real improvement on my skin though, so I will be going back.

It was a great birthday though. Chels got me a dvd player and the Harry Potter dvd! I was tickled to death. I hadnt expected to get anything from any one so that was quite a happy surprise. Its nice to have a friend that gets me and I enjoy hanging out with her.

I got a message from a friend back home the other day and it reminded me that its a small world and the threads that tie us all together sometimes cross and interwind, creating new and powerful connections that change things for the better. The stories that were shared made even more of a difference when I shared them with my son. As I read the letter I had gotten about a miracle that had happened, he was reminded that powerful things are afoot. He added a few extra people to his prayers last night and that was interesting to hear, because for a boy with a world of problems of his own, he takes on the fears and worries of others and prays for them to be lessened. He is a big brother too and knows that nothing is worse that the thought of something happening to his baby sister, even though she may drive him crazy by stealing his guitar and loosening the strings on the ukulele just to mess with him.

I had to give up coffee and I am not doing so well without it. But a heart rate of a hummingbird on speed is not conducive to a good life, so I guess I have to listen to the doctor for now.

Dear Roger: Reflections

So I wake up this morning legally another year older. I have kinda adopted another day as my unofficial birthday because honestly, April 19th is just a day fraught with too many bad memories. I remember most vividly 1995, seeing the picture of Firefighter Fields carrying young Baylee Almon out of the wreckage of the Murrah building in Oklahoma City when my own child was just 4 months old, and I remember hugging him close and vowing that I would never take him for granted. I say a prayer for the 168 lost that day, at the start of every morning on my birthday, the 18 other children that were in that daycare and all those innocent people that were just trying to do their jobs. I was a firefighter back then and it left such a mark on my soul.

I remember the stand off in Waco and all those people burning. Its just not a day of really happy memories so I changed the day I celebrate to July 28, that the day we, as a small family, started living again, so we will celebrate then.

Daughter is insisting I do something today though because she is small and unwilling to allow me to wallow in any form of maudlin misery on what she considers a day to party. I will indulge her somewhat, by maybe picking up a small cake and letting her blow out some candles for me.

I went to the doctor yesterday and she was not overly concerned about my eye twitch, but she was concerned about my heart rate. I seem to have a resting heart rate of a hummingbird. I find that a bit worrisome considering I am in pretty damn good shape. I walk constantly and I dont just trudge, I haul ass. My legs are toned, and I am underweight for my height, so its the stress that jacking me up. Her strict order was for me to quit coffee. I am not happy! I am also supposed to cut back on all other caffeine, which really isn't hard considering I dont drink that much stuff with caffeine in it, but that was quite a blow to me. I had quit for a month as an experiment and it was miserable. I missed it and even dreamed about drinking it,but now to be told I have to quit it? Gah! I am doing this whole diet and exercise program for a month and then I go back to see if things have slowed down and little, if they have, then we know thats the problem if they haven't, then they are going to look at drugs. I dont want to use any medications, because once you start on them, then you end up stuck on them, plus things that mess around with the heart just freak me out, especially after what happened to you. Im going to be a good doobie, do my exercises, drink my pissy tasting hippy tea and try to mellow the hell out and hopefully get this shit dialed back in before things explode, but I think once I have my boys back with me and my ex vanishes out of our lives, things will slow down.

No birthday cards for me. Didnt really expect any from any family back home, but still. Someday those wounds are gonna have to heal I guess. I miss getting a card from grandma and you. I would hang it on my fridge and it would make me laugh for a few months. My sis will probably call and make fun of me sometime today, I am expecting nothing less from her. Daughter drew me a nice one with monkeys all over it, it was quite cute.

Its another year older, and I just think about all the people I miss. I think thats a true sign of getting older.