Dear Roger: Reflections

So I wake up this morning legally another year older. I have kinda adopted another day as my unofficial birthday because honestly, April 19th is just a day fraught with too many bad memories. I remember most vividly 1995, seeing the picture of Firefighter Fields carrying young Baylee Almon out of the wreckage of the Murrah building in Oklahoma City when my own child was just 4 months old, and I remember hugging him close and vowing that I would never take him for granted. I say a prayer for the 168 lost that day, at the start of every morning on my birthday, the 18 other children that were in that daycare and all those innocent people that were just trying to do their jobs. I was a firefighter back then and it left such a mark on my soul.

I remember the stand off in Waco and all those people burning. Its just not a day of really happy memories so I changed the day I celebrate to July 28, that the day we, as a small family, started living again, so we will celebrate then.

Daughter is insisting I do something today though because she is small and unwilling to allow me to wallow in any form of maudlin misery on what she considers a day to party. I will indulge her somewhat, by maybe picking up a small cake and letting her blow out some candles for me.

I went to the doctor yesterday and she was not overly concerned about my eye twitch, but she was concerned about my heart rate. I seem to have a resting heart rate of a hummingbird. I find that a bit worrisome considering I am in pretty damn good shape. I walk constantly and I dont just trudge, I haul ass. My legs are toned, and I am underweight for my height, so its the stress that jacking me up. Her strict order was for me to quit coffee. I am not happy! I am also supposed to cut back on all other caffeine, which really isn't hard considering I dont drink that much stuff with caffeine in it, but that was quite a blow to me. I had quit for a month as an experiment and it was miserable. I missed it and even dreamed about drinking it,but now to be told I have to quit it? Gah! I am doing this whole diet and exercise program for a month and then I go back to see if things have slowed down and little, if they have, then we know thats the problem if they haven't, then they are going to look at drugs. I dont want to use any medications, because once you start on them, then you end up stuck on them, plus things that mess around with the heart just freak me out, especially after what happened to you. Im going to be a good doobie, do my exercises, drink my pissy tasting hippy tea and try to mellow the hell out and hopefully get this shit dialed back in before things explode, but I think once I have my boys back with me and my ex vanishes out of our lives, things will slow down.

No birthday cards for me. Didnt really expect any from any family back home, but still. Someday those wounds are gonna have to heal I guess. I miss getting a card from grandma and you. I would hang it on my fridge and it would make me laugh for a few months. My sis will probably call and make fun of me sometime today, I am expecting nothing less from her. Daughter drew me a nice one with monkeys all over it, it was quite cute.

Its another year older, and I just think about all the people I miss. I think thats a true sign of getting older.