Dear Roger: The Further You Go

One year ago today we woke up in the spare room of the house of the one person we knew up here in Portland, dug through the paltry few possessions we had brought with us to find some decent clothes to wear, tried to map out the route to where we were headed one more time, dug through the dirty jeans and side pockets of our bags looking for any more money we might have, and then taking our $2.37, an over excited 6 year old and her scroungy stuffed monkey, we headed to the show that that turned things around for us.

It was weird that the now 7 year old woke up having a screaming nightmare about her favorite boy being hurt or something this morning. I had to go get her out of bed at o'dark thirty this morning and cuddle her up and assure her that he was okay and probably still asleep,(unlike me at that point), so I brought her and her monkey to my bed and tucked her in, and assured her that all was well. He, in fact, just tweeted a few minutes ago, and if she wasn't sound asleep next to me, I would have pointed that out to her, but like is always the case, the small child that wakes the entire house is always the one that is quickest to go back to sleep.

Its been a busy year for us, and just in that past week things have really started showing a vast improvement. I now have a job. We are no longer sleeping in someones spare room. I can personally attest, that we have well over 7 bags worth of stuff to muck about, and I now know more than 1 person up here. Not many more, but I met a friend at the concert and 1 year later we are still hanging out and talking, doing coffee and in a few weeks, attending our second 100 Monkeys concert together.

I am actually bringing a friend to this one. Thats soo not like me and that speaks to the power of this odd little band with its enigmatic front boy. We joke back and forth about her insistence he is a,'Serial killer", with me agreeing that as often as over-stimulated, hormonally challenged fans proclaiming,"Im dead", at every picture of him they see, that if it were true, he would be a very prolific one.But I invited her and nagged at her until she agreed to give his band a chance and come see them in concert. I am looking forward to seeing her and many of the other fans I have spoken with and made friends with... that's right, me...with friends that I actually hang out with and want to see. Just saying it seems soo damn strange. One year ago, I had one friend. They lived here. We didn't really hang out. We dont really have much in common. I am not a churchy person and she is, but she cares about my kids and we do get along pretty decently.

My other friend that I had in Flagstaff had gotten married and had left when she was afraid I was slowly committing suicide by staying in Flagstaff. We have reconnected since I moved up here, but she didn't have faith in me and that kinda stings a little. So, having people I am looking forward to seeing and hanging out with, well, that's just weird and cool.

I am so used to being,"So and So's mom" at this point, that having friends who actually know my name and who talk about going out to do adult things like chase cute guys or maybe have a beer or something, well, that's even stranger, but that is what these friends are talking about. Yeah, daughter is the main focus of the whole concert thing. Just like a year ago this is for her, but after that is for me. I am hoping to be able to send the kids home and play with the big kids for a little bit. A year ago I wouldn't have dreamed of it. I am still weird and somewhat out of place, but I am starting to adapt. Im older now, so things take a little longer, but as far as we have come in this year, I am pretty damn happy. We still dont have any damn money, but we will get there.

I look at the tattoo on my wrist and hand and I think about that day and how my kids started smiling, and how it felt to laugh again. That boy still makes me laugh, with his,"If you only knew what I was up to" grin and his Ely shirts that look like he raided my fathers closet circa 1978, its hard to not just love the hell out of him. Its been a year of good for us, and I hope the same for him.

Dear Roger: Kid Based Insanity

Kids make you crazy, or at least mine are making me crazier. We spend a lot of time together and that may have a lot to do with it, but between a daughter that averages over 170,"Hey Mom's" a day and a teen son that is well on his way to mastering snark and sarcasm, I have days when I long to just walk out the door and flee down the sidewalk, even if I am only partially dressed.

We talk about everything, and I guess its great that we have such an open and close relationship, but that is a double-edged sword. While as his mother, I offer my son advice about his personal grooming and dress and behavior, he feels free to do the same to me.

Yesterday, we were finishing up cleaning the old apartment so we could hand over the keys today. I had a hat on and my hair pulled back out of my face and was wearing a t-shirt and jeans. He grabbed my pony-tail as we were walking up the sidewalk and he said,"When you get paid, why dont you spend some money and do something about this hair? You need to get a style so you look like a girl."

This started a debate over my manner of dress, my lifestyle, my habits and just what the hell was wrong with my hair? I have let it grow since we got up here to Portland. I haven't colored it, cut it or done anything with it other than wash it and let it grow. He now thinks I should get it styled into some kind of layered mom cut and that I should get the silverish stuff dealt with. What the hell?

Im not dating. I dont have anyone who gives a damn what I look like. I wear jeans and boots and t-shirts most days and while I am clean and presentable, I probably dont look really approachable, and really, I dont care. I am not going to change who I am to date some guy, so why should I bother messing about with my hair?

He went on to lecture me about getting a manicure and not wearing as much black!

Daughter even got into the debate and piped up about that! "Yeah mom, you wear black ALLLL the time, you need to wear pink or something." This is a child that talks to a stuffed monkey. I am not taking fashion advice from her. I like wearing black. It suits me.

Son is the opposite, he likes bright colors and has no problem wearing all kinds of odd arrangements. I asked him if he was wanting me to try to get out and date or something, he shrugged and said,"You need to do something other than sit around and read and write all the damn time."

Daughter has been just as nosy about my personal life lately. She came up to me the other night and asked,"Do you have a special someone?" I told her,"No, just you kids." she looked surprised and said,"Well why not? Everyone should have someone! I am going to find you someone."
Son was sitting next to me cracking up at this exchange and he said,"You are in trouble now."

I have images of me having to take her out in public muzzled for my sanity. She has no qualms about talking to people and asking embarrassing questions.

I have had to referee fights between her and her brother lately. They aren't as hateful, but she is much more sensitive to any verbal jabs he may inflict on her. He is starting to become aware that she looks up to him as a erstwhile father figure and he has somewhat stepped into that role. He taught her to tie her shoes in double knots, he is very protective of her and he calls her to task when she misbehaves. She listens to him as well as she listens to me, and when he tells her to go to bed or to not eat her dinner in my room, she gets mad, but she obeys. She hugs and kisses him goodnight, and even though he initially resisted and acted like a typical boy afraid of getting cooties, he now hugs and kisses her back and tells her he loves her.

We are working on becoming a affectionate family. We hug and talk and joke and tease each other constantly and we talk things through. Its not always easy and sometimes voices get raised,but raising a teen son on my own is the toughest challenge that I have ever faced.

Sticky boy turns 11 in a couple of weeks. We have been trying to figure out what to send him for his birthday and when I asked the ex what he wanted, I had to have him repeat it several times because I wasn't sure I had heard correctly. He told me that he wanted,"Wii games, some movies and ladies." I said,"Some what?" the ex said,"Ladies, lots and lots of ladies." I sat there stunned for a minute, looking at the phone as I repeated ,"Ladies?"

My soon to be 11 year old son, who is just at 3 ft tall, bespectacled, gap toothed, Down Syndrome affected, ginger son, loves the ladies. My ex tells me he tells him frequently tells him,"Dad, I really like ladies." The ex tells me that when he sees a woman who he particularly finds appealing he will smile at her and then say,"Raaar" with the little hand claw motion.

I advised the ex to ban any further viewing of Austin Powers and to begin ,"The talk" now!

Dear Roger: In Heat?

Well it finally has managed to get warm up here today. I am impressed it finally broke 80 something today, though considering the rest of the dang country is sweltering under a record wave, I guess I should be counting my blessings instead of bitching and griping about the fact I had to turn the damn heater on the other night because it was COLD in out new apartment. Now, before you go thinking its just me being an anemic,candy -assed, wuss again, my friends even admitted that they had to turn on the heat in their house after they got cold too! So there! Im not just being a whiner. I am wondering just how the hell I am going to cope with the fact that we really haven't had much of a Summer up here at all. I dont mind the rain, but I seriously have kept my jackets and hoodies where they are easy to get to, and I have worn shorts maybe 5 days total. I never wear flip-flops because I have no desire to taste pavement, but I tend to run around barefoot,(that gets me looks, but hey! at least im not wearing a sock hat in summer like some of the douches up here), but its been too cold for me to even do that comfortably, so ive been wearing my boots or the ratty pair of Chucks I have.

Finally got all the rest of the stuff that we are going to move, moved. We have decided to part ways with the couches and the decrepit entertainment center. I had decided that it was not entertaining to wonder just when it was going to finally collapse and send our tv crashing down on top of daughter or whomever was unlucky to be nearby, and the couches had such a distinctive odor of distressed small dog that not even repeated washing of cushions and covers could get out, that it just wasnt worth it. We are back to living Japanese style, as I tell daughter. Its really trying to put a positive spin on sitting our asses on the floor, and she is buying it for now. We have my,"Ugly assed Hobbit seat" as son calls my funky old writing chair, and two wooden wine boxes that make interesting side tables, but the 'Hobbit seat" really is an ass killer, so no one sits in it for very long. I cant afford to buy anything right now. Even used is out of our reach and I dont want to just jump into anything quickly because I dont want to run the risk of ending up with more of the same problems of odd smelling furnishings or things that will just need to be hauled away in short order.

I have a job now, but its not very many hours a week and im actually not too sure what all it entails. I was supposed to work for 4 hours today,(I thought), but considering I dont have keys to the office yet, or any of the information I need to actually do anything officelike, I was left at loose ends when the manager didn't show up. I tried calling a few times to see if there was a missed communication or something, but no one answered, so I just considered the day a wash and went back to cleaning the old apartment and getting it ready to turn back over.

Son made it back from camp in fine form. He apparently had a great time and enjoyed camping and rafting and shooting paintballs and such. I am sure it was much more enjoyable than moving all his stuff, that was a huge pain in the ass. He is a bit of a gross monkey, but then I think all teen males are gross. Sharing a bathroom is going to be like living in a layer of hell, but I am trying to look on the brightside and remember that instead of cleaning two bathrooms, I will only be cleaning one, though we will be having a,"Come to Jesus" meeting real quick about the placement of the commode seat, not peeing on the seat, the "flush, check and if needed , FLUSH AGAIN FOR GODS SAKE!" rule, not touching my towel(something he does just to mess with me because he knows I am OCD about that), rinsing out the sink, and where he should leave his dirty unders. I swear that if I achieve nothing else with him in 18 years, he will be fit to be around other women when he is grown.

He has volunteered to take over more of the cooking duties which leaves me wondering,"Why?" I know he likes to cook, and I did the fair thing today and cleaned the kitchen after he cooked breakfast, but I also cleaned it after I cooked dinner last night, so if hes angling for a fair division of labor, he needs to up his game. He is not happy with the fact he ended up in the bedroom without a lock on it, but he knows its in my power to change that, so maybe that is what he is looking for? Who the hell knows, hes a teen boy and they are twisty, turny, odd, critters.

Daughter has been in rare form lately,reading the Harry Potter book out loud to her Jackson has become a nightly ritual for her, and she doesn't just do a regular, monotone read, oh nooo! Not my kid, she does a full dramatic reading with voices and all kinds of fun stuff going on. Its hysterical. She doesn't know I am hanging out by her bedroom door listening to her do it, because if she did, she would probably kick my ass, but its amazing to hear her. She often falls asleep with the book still in her hand and her goofy monkey perched in her lap. She sat and watched the first Harry Potter movie with me last night and she was soo excited when she heard the actors speak lines from the book or recognized things she had read. Its amazing to be starting that journey all over again with someone who is so enthusiastic and in love with it. Speaking of love, Rog...I did a bad/funny thing that luckily didn't end up biting me in the ass, but I thought for a day or two she was going to kill me in my sleep! You know she loves that rangy lil rockstar quite a bit? She talks about him all the time, gets a goofy look on her face when she sees him on a video or something and she really, really looks up to him. Well, her brother and I kinda enjoy gently teasing her about it, just a little bit. I mean after all, she is 7 and he will be close to 40 when she is not jailbait, and besides, I have told her that she is not seeing any boys, ESPECIALLY some rangy lil rockstar until she has finished her Masters,(let me dream, okay?)but she told me a while back that she intends to,"Marry him, take him to France for 6 months and then to Japan." She was very serious and even when I told her that he might not want to go, she just looks at me and said,"He will be okay." Shes a bit on the scary and intimidating side at times, ya know? So anyway... Since her favorite boy has been on the twitter lately talking to all his minions, I thought just for shits and giggles,(and I was also put up to it by my friend 'Manda) that I would tweet him this little bit of info and ask for the name of a good therapist. Yes, my smartass bone is still up and functioning. The boy gets a bazillion tweets from over-excited, hormonally challenged, fans of all ages, so lucky for me it was lost in the flood of,Marry me, Jasper's, but for some reason, I later found it funny to tell her what I had done. Yeah...not my smartest move. If I wasn't the holder of the tickets to the 100 Monkeys concert, I am afraid I might have had an unfortunate accident by now. As it was, she told me to not to it again and that it was,none of my business. Rog, help? Did Damien have a sister? If not, I think he may have now.

Dear Roger: Changes and Adaptations

Spent most of yesterday moving and I have a feeling that I will be spending most of today recovering from it. I still have more stuff to move, including my couches and the entertainment center, but thanks to the help of my friend, we managed to get most of our stuff moved. It was exhausting! I was amazed at all the stuff we have managed to acquire in the year we have been here. The amount of daughters monkeys alone was shocking.

The new apartment is nice. I have discovered that stone tiles are really damn cold in the mornings and are great for assuring that I am wide awake before I attempt to make my coffee. I start my new job today, its an informal day of just showing me the ropes and letting me know what the expectations are for the position. I have managed to make friends with the manager somehow and she has said that she wants to teach me how to be a leasing agent so that I might perhaps someday take over my own complex. Its an intriguing proposition,it would be a career opportunity that would allow me to be able to move around some and there are always jobs. I will have daughter trailing after me today, so I wont be able to stay too long,and my official first day I think is Sunday, but I am excited all the same.

Son has a job waiting on him when he gets back from camp. Word has made it around the elderly community in the complex that he is a trustworthy and polite young man, and those who aren't in the best of health and unable to do things like get their trash and recycling out easily, have decided to hire him to help out. A lady who is the ringleader of the elderly/disabled here in the complex caught up with me yesterday and asked if he could be hired to help out several of those less able and I, of course, offered him up. She told me that there are quite a few folks that need help, and he will likely be pretty busy, so that is a good thing. His good reputation and Southern manners have paid off for him.He also has a pretty damn good work ethic when it doesn't involve keeping his own room clean, so he will do well.

I got all the decor put up yesterday. I couldn't just leave it be with the blank walls so with that finished and all the kids beds set up and made, I was able to finally crash out and sleep like the dead last night.I think we have finally started getting ahead, at least I hope so.

We have basic cable again and that made daughter happy. She is back to watching her painting shows and the other odd stuff she catches on PBS, so at least she is happy. I had been watching movies on my computer and seeing things that I hadn't watched in years, or even movies that I had avoided for whatever reason. I would pick an actor a night and watch whatever Netflix had to offer, which in most cases, wasn't much. I did see a few David Thewlis movies that were pretty fantastic, though they left me wondering if he ever makes it though a movie alive or unthrashed? I went on a Brit Flick bender and that was fun. The British are amazingly willing to indulge in full frontal nudity, and that was a bit of a win! I take seeing a good looking man naked where I can get it, though I do believe that more than a few of those fellas could make do with a meal or two.

Today was the last shuttle flight landing. It was the end of an era for not only the country, but for me as well. So many memories wrapped up in that venture. The trip to Houston and the Johnson Space center that I took with the Math and Science Club, seeing the Columbia explode and remembering the silence that fell over the school as we watched it on tv in Mrs. Maxtons classroom. So many things have changed for the world since then. It just keeps moving forward as well it should.

Dear Roger:Training is Lacking In Many Ways

I despise rudeness and the lack of civility. Sometimes I really think I may have been born in the wrong era, because I am a firm believer in using good manners and proper decorum that soo many seem to find,"weird" or "old-fashioned" in today's world. I believe in showing gratitude and repaying kindnesses as well as acknowledging small favors done. I have said many times I owed a debt of gratitude to a young man for a kindness he did of for my child and I meant it and I have worked to repay it in as many ways that my limited means will allow, including loyalty and support. I find it shameful that so many people take things for granted, and that they expect people to just give and give and give of themselves. Maybe it is the instant access to so many things in the world that has fostered this attitude, maybe it is the inattention of family and the disconnection from the traditional social interactions that used to foster social niceties, but so many people lack simple basic, good manners.

I have taught my children manners from the moment they were capable of understanding things and one of the first was how to say,"Thank you". They also learned that no one other than their family, owed them a damned thing and if someone was kind enough to give them a gift or a kindness, then they should acknowledge it and graciously accept it and repay it in kind. I have taught my children to say,"Ma'am and Sir and Please" and to hold doors as well as all the old fashioned social niceties that I guess I just take for granted that people taught their kids.I am finding that my children are, in fact an anomaly and I am a freak for expecting them to know manners and use them.

I was explaining to daughter yesterday that she should not refer to an adult who was vastly older than her by their first name unless told it by the adult that it was acceptable to do so because it was rude and disrespectful. I then provided examples and told her that I expected her to use her best manners when meeting and speaking to adults,and I explained the importance of good eye contact and a firm handshake. An adult sitting at a table near us looked at me like I had suddenly sprouted three heads.

I dont pretend that I am the foremost authority on manners and discipline,(well, maybe discipline), but I work very hard to raise children that will know how to navigate in a world where adult CEO's are having to attend etiquette classes so they dont offend people and lose contracts because they dont realize its rude to fart at the dinner table. My children already know this, as well as the etiquette for tea in both British and Japanese culture. They know about taking their shoes off at the door, and how to bow and curtsy as well as simply say,'Thank you" when it is warranted. If nothing else I have done for them sinks in and serves them well, I have a feeling that this will help them, because from what I have observed, social skills are sorely lacking in not only poor kids, but the rich as well and quite a few people could use a meeting with my grannys wooden spoon.

I have managed to land a part-time job! I am pretty happy about this and although its only a few days a week, its a start and it will allow me the time and freedom to hunt for other work while I do it. We are supposed to start moving into our new apartment tomorrow and I am happy about that as well, if it ever stops raining long enough for me to move stuff without it getting soaked! Its chilly again up here and this may well be the shortest summer I have ever lived through.

Dear Roger:Suggestions, Locations or Goodbye Cheech and Chong

I dont often write letters or emails to companies or celebrities about anything. Daughter is the reason I have ever written that rangy little rock star she is so fond of, and just a fit of temporary insanity had me tweet the great actor Michael Sheen in a rare moment of insanity, never expecting that he, himself is also a bit of a smart ass and before he got himself wrapped up in his pretty little girlfriend he would tweet back and talk to folks. When he tweeted me back he shocked me so badly I actually shrieked and dropped my damn computer. He all in all tweeted me 5 times and I have never forgotten just how much that made me smile and feel good. It was appreciated recognition that I was out here and alive from a REALLY cute guy that I happen to be kinda fond of for many reasons.

I dont really get too excited about the famous type of folk, I have met a few of them and for the most part they are just as twitchy as everyone else, but with a bit more money.I tend to get a bit gobsmacked around good looking men because well, I am a lonely, lonely woman and I think that is a pretty normal response for someone who has not had a quality trouncing in many years. When I met Aaron Tippin I thought he was pleasant and it was nice guarding him, and he was very kind to give me the signed set list for the evening, but his fiddle player was who I though was a little doll baby. Meeting Matt Hensley from Flogging Molly after the concert left me shaky and stuttering because that was like meeting a religious leader, if I had gotten to meet and shake Dave Kings hand I probably would have had a heart attack and died right there on the floor of the concert hall because he is a hero of mine who has brought me years of happiness. The oddest occurrence though, that has ever struck me was meeting daughters rangy young rock star and his compatriots. I literally was almost struck speechless. I know I stuttered worse than I have ever stuttered in my life, and I felt like I was standing down range of a firing squad of machine guns. He was cuuute! But, then they all were and though I was in full alert mode due to the crowd and the situation and being stressed out of my mind, I still managed to not pass the hell out or do anything too off the wall so that my baby girl could get her picture. I like to chalk up my reaction to the PTSD and the fact he was a guy and I was just over the top stressed and my blood sugar was in the pits at about that point, but who the hell knows, that boy is awful shiny and pretty and daughter is taken with him awful hard.

Giving advice is because I give a damn. Most of the time it is ignored or it offends the one I offer it to, but on rare occasions someone listens and it does some good. I never expect to get credit for my ideas or suggestions, after all, I am a parent and I have been a teacher and a cop and I have been in public safety for a long damn time. I am used to doing things for the good of others without anyone ever recognizing or noticing or even admitting I existed. I do them because I get the satisfaction of knowing that I paid it forward and that in some little way I made a difference for someone.

Sitting at the Starbucks with my friend the other day we were talking about the general dissatisfaction we were hearing and seeing with our favorite band. Fans were complaining about the loss of connection and other things that fans just tend to bitch about and that the pr folks were ignoring. I commented that someone ought to write the band and suggest that they use social media like twitter for maybe 15 minutes a day to actually talk TO some fans instead of AT them and that they would see an explosion in support and love. Well, the gauntlet was tossed down and next thing you know, I am writing of all things, a damn fan letter to this funky little band and making this exact suggestion to them, explaining how major celebrities and other favorite bands of mine like Cage The Elephant actually talk to fans, and they have a HUGE following. I figured the letter made it to some drones desk and then,"delete" was hit after jokes were made about the arrogance of some middle-aged skag in the middle of nowhere having the audacity to think they might know a thing or two about a thing or two was made. But then the other day, I was out wandering around with my friend and low and behold...evidence somebody, somewhere, took my advice. I smiled as the twitter feed exploded in over-excited fans and the happy feeling in my heart lasted for days. My own son may not take my advice very often, but its good to know other boys listen occasionally.

Daughter made it home from camp safe and happy and full of stories of monkey fighting with a girl named London who was offended that she was corrected by daughter that her monkey was in fact and ape because it had no tail, so she in return referred to Jackson as,"Gay", thus inciting a lecture on how,"Thats not a problem but its rude to say it that way." which then prompted a round of,"you're weird's" that escalated into a full on fight. London was moved into another cabin and daughter was told that biting and then blaming her monkey was not acceptable. I dont know if the other brat got the lecture about name calling, but somehow I kinda doubt it. Anyway, she got to go swimming and she told me they found out she couldn't swim when she went right to the bottom of the pool after coming off the slide. Nice...my kid nearly drowned.Just what I wanted to hear. But she is home safe and happy. Son leaves for his camp this Sunday. Its really terrible timing for us because we are moving! I have been having mild asthma attacks for quite a while now, and I am convinced its due to the weed smoke we get from the neighbors next door. Some nights its soo thick that you can see the haze in my apartment and I get a contact high if I sit in the dining room,and we cant even open the main front window without it pouring in.

I always have to warn visitors who are new to our place that the weed smoke isn't from us, its from our neighbors and that was our out. The management came down one day and were shocked at the amount of smoke around our front doors,(Cheech and Chong amounts), and realized that it was a health and welfare issue, so they granted us my request for a transfer.

The manager came and inspected my apartment and said I was getting back all of my deposit,(pays to be clean and careful), and they would allow that to be applied to the new place, so the fancy place is ours and we even get to move in early, but I will be doing the moving by myself because son will be gone for an entire week.

I will get it done somehow, some way because that is just how I roll, and it will be nice to finally be in a bright, shiny, brand new, all fancy apartment with new appliances and neighbors that dont smoke weed in amounts that make Cheech and Chong shocked. I dont have a problem with weed smokers, in the grand scheme of thing they are the lesser of many evils, but I am trying to find a damn job, trying to raise my kids and trying to just breathe and walking around half-stoned and smelling like a doob is not helping the situation at all, so a new location is the best solution.

Dear Roger :Things You Stumble Into

Shes been gone to church camp these past couple of days and it has felt like half of me is missing. I find it odd that someone like myself, who never wanted to be a parent, finds themselves ruled heart and soul by the creatures.

I really did never expect to be a mother. I failed my eldest daughter so terribly that I should have had myself spayed right then and there after she was born, but back then, the brilliant doctors in Texas wouldn't do that for a woman who was under 25.

When I had my eldest son, my life was a mess. His father is a full on, text book psychopath. I mean, seriously, out of Hares 21 characteristics of a psychopathic personality that lend themselves to being a serial killer, he met 13 of them. I still consider myself lucky to be alive and after the state investigated him to see if they could get me some child support and they determined that he was enough of a threat to not pursue for our safety, I guess my instincts were spot on. Soo, yet another child I failed.

My youngest three have a domestic abuser for a father. I consider him my atonement. I spent 10 years dealing with him and his tender mercies and he is still my burden to bear because I am forever connected to him because of my kids. I love my children and I miss my sons with a pain that cannot be expressed, though I have been told it can be seen. Nobody really understands it, but talking to them often makes the agony worse, especially when they cry and tell me how much they miss me. When Fergus died, not only did that rip my heart to pieces, but knowing that my children hurt and I couldn't comfort them made it all the worse.

My baby girl is my solace. I bought her way out of Arizona and she is my sunshine. I do not understand how she has come to rule my world so totally, but she is the wheel that turns us all and for once I dont mind it.

She is my miracle child, born sickly and early and the fact that we almost died together may have had something to do with it, in fact I had to face my greatest phobia to have her. I had to face being cut open with a scalpel . Yeah, my heart rate was through the roof, and being in that delivery room alone was terrifying because I didn't know what was going to happen if I died and she was alone, but I knew that I had to do it for her. Being strapped down and knowing they were going to cut me...I still shudder when I see that scar. Its one of the few that im proud of though, because it brought me her. I remember her first cries that sounded like a sick kitten, and how tiny she was. I was too sick to hold her for long, and we were separated for a few days, but I dreamed about her and I knew she was going to be something.

I dont know if its because shes the baby or because shes just her, but I try harder for her. I dont want to be like my parents. I try to always encourage and be positive and never tease about looks or anything. Shes beautiful with her long, curly, blonde hair that hangs to her butt and her big blue eyes and her dimples. She is the "Smart one" and the "Pretty One" all rolled into one, but I dont play favorites. She knows I adore her big brother just as much and we both spoil him too. We work at being a family, though we are broken and missing parts. She tries hard to make up for her brothers being gone by always talking about them and drawing pictures for me and reminding me that life is going on around us so I dont wallow in the misery of missing them and feeling like I have failed.

She never lets me feel that too long. She drags me along into her odd little world of monkeys and Harry Potter and her love of the odd little rock star, and she forces me to be enthusiastic about things that I would probably have put aside. She brings colors into my life and smiles and laughter and a joyful insanity. I have wallowed while she has been gone. Stuck a bit in my own head, though I did get out and go have coffee with a friend to try and chase away the darkness, but the 1st night with her gone, when my son was gone as well, spending the night at a friends house, I was reminded of the Douglas Adams saying, " I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."

She will be home today with hopefully her Jackson in tow. I am planning to spend this evening celebrating by having a ,"Monkey tea Party" with her and over-indulging the hell out of her, just to let her know that she is loved, so she never for one second doubts that she is loved beyond all reason.

My son leaves next week and that will be yet another week of stress for me. Its a control thing I am afraid. Hes a teen and reckless, so I worry. Hes trying to show his independence and strength, but he is still my baby. We spoke of his father last night, and I finally told him everything. It was hard to see him grasp the fact that he will never have a relationship with a father figure. He wants that soo badly, someone to talk to, to be the guide and role model that all boys need to have in their lives, but when I explained everything, he just nodded and said,"I might as well consider him dead, that's fine lots of men grow up without fathers, ill just deal, but when I have kids, I am damn sure going to be there for them. " I wish you were here for him Rog, I tell him about you all the time, and the stories I think help. Knowing that there were good men who were part of his family makes him proud, and I wish you could have met him. Hes a handsome boy. He resembles you from when you were young, with the strong jaw and high cheek bones. Hes got those damn long eye lashes that boys seem to get and women wish they had. He gets looks all the time and often uses his looks to charm his way into things, and that scares the hell out of me, but I hope he learns to use them for good and not evil.

He dotes on his baby sister, even though they bicker as siblings tend to do. He is fiercely protective her her, and he acts as a father figure to her quite often. He attends her plays with me, making sure pictures and video get taken. He is attending the 100 Monkeys concert with us again in August, even though he really would prefer not to, because he wants to protect his baby sister from rampaging fan girls and he knows he will probably end up having to put her on his shoulders so she can see. He is a good big brother, even if he does steal her monkey and rub it in his armpits or drawers, just to hear her shriek in horror. He risks bodily injury by calling her favorite young rock star, "short" just to see her get mad and defensive so he can tease her to the point of door slamming and yelling and attacking, as a form of entertainment when there is nothing else to do, just so she knows he is paying attention.

Being a parent is not something I ever intended to do. I was supposed to wander through this life in a reckless and self-destructive manner, living the life of an artist and poet and burning out early and dramatically. My kids saved me, though I dont know why.