Dear Roger:Not So Subtle

Nobody wants to be the kids of a divorce, hell! Nobody wants to be the kids stuck in a bad marriage, all the fighting and sniping and what people think a subtle little snipes at each other escalate the tension levels to the point that nobody wants to be around. The stress gets so thick that you can taste it and sometimes someone snaps and either things get broken or someone can end up pinned to a dresser with a straight razor slicing a thin little line into their throat. Its not a fun place to be, especially if there are kids sitting there as helpless bystanders who can do nothing to stop it.
There are lots of relationships that are like marriages, long time friendships, love relationships that might have been marriages in another world,partnerships, and so on that sometime go bad for one reason or another and when they disentergrate,its often pretty brutal to see and sad for those caught in the middle or even on the outer edges. Sometimes lines are drawn and factions formed, I deal with that on a pretty regular basis from my son, Stubby. He thinks his father is the one who has been wronged in the whole situation with our family.
I've tried to explain to him that people aren't allowed to hurt their supposed loved ones, that they aren't supposed to spend the families money on drugs and that fathers are supposed to help support their children and spend time with them and not just yell at them to be quiet. After nearly 6 months of gently trying to get him to see my side, showing him that I wasn't the bad guy, that I really do love him and that I will support him and do the right thing for him even if hes angry at me all the time and that I am not the bad guy in the situation, I gave up trying to win him over and I just let him be angry with me. It was like living with a timebomb in the house, a little black cloud of hate that seemed determined to evoke his fathers presence for me on a daily basis until my eldest son stepped in. Stubby had been pretty much brain washed in the time my ex had him. He had been told I was up here partying and running wild and that I didn't want him. My eldest son has been clearing up that misconception and pointing out the things that I had refused to do, like the fact the ex has never paid child support and that he always thinks of himself first and the kids last. My eldest is pretty relentless about it too. The minute Stub starts in on me about something, the eldest says,"Lets call your father and see if he will help buy you that, after all, he hasn't spent a DIME on you since the 20 he spent on your birthday in January. Mom spent a whole bunch of extra on you for your juice and stuff you wanted, but you are going to be hateful to her? I don't think so." It actually seems to be working to some extent. I have also stopped being the one to force the ex to be a decent parent. If he doesn't call, I don't call and tell him to call his kids. I am letting them see just how long he will go without it. It seems petty, but he is a 54 year old man who should not have to be told to call his kids, just like he should not have to be told to support them.
Fighting and bickering gets old, and I refuse to get in the middle of it. My kids excel at it and when you have 4 kids that are all above average intelligence,(even for Downs Syndrome), they pick the damndest things to fight over and often I have learned to tune it out because they know if I am forced to get involved, the sanctions are often grim. I prefer to remain the neutral party because as a former cop and someone who has studied the things I have studied, the dynamics of personality at play often override whatever real or imagined hurt took place. Perception is reality for whomever is involved in the altercation and if they think they got their feelings hurt, then by God their feelings got hurt and nothing I can do to the perpetrator is going to make it better. Stickys version of rough justice is often more effective. If someone hurts his feelings, he often reacts right away, smacks the offender upside the head and then five minutes later they kiss, make up and are back playing Angry Birds. Life needs to be more like that for adults, and so called adults because there is often a hell of a lot more on the line and lot less time to make things right.
I guess looking at things from the perspective of someone who has more people they love who have died, such as you Rog, I tend to realize that its not worth it to be angry or to take the risk that the last things I may have said to someone I once loved, were words of anger. I'm not angry at my parents anymore and I have made a half-assed peace with them. I've made a half-assed peace with pretty much everyone, including my ex who I don't really hate, I just find him kind of sad and pathetic. My kids? They damn well know I love them to death. Hugs and the words are said every single day. I told the man I have loved as a friend and who I had hoped to someday have more with, how I felt, and though it will never do me any good, it was a clearing of the slate. I sent him a song, said this is how I feel, I love you, goodbye. I deleted my contacts from him and my gift to myself for this next year is to stop. To finally say,"Its never going to happen." The hardest thing I have ever done and it totally broke me, but I bear him no ill will, he was what he was and I knew that from the get go, my last gesture to him, is to protect him and that is what you should do for those you love.
I would give years off my own life to have a few moments to have been able to tell you and grandpa how much I loved you, or my cousin what he meant to me and how he influenced me as a human being. I will never have that. I would give years to have been able to once have told that boy,"I really like you and I think you are cute." but I never had that, or that young firefighter that I flunked on his EMT test? I wish to God I had a few more minutes to teach him the skills he needed to pass that section of the test so I wouldn't have had to fail him and he wouldn't have had to go to Phoenix and he wouldn't have rolled his truck and died. Soo many regrets that are born of lost opportunities to make things right, to fix what is broken and jagged and what will leave a scar when it cuts into you.

Dear Roger: Im Not A Bitch,Ive Just Been In A Really Bad Mood

Seriously, I have been in a mood the past week or so, or in some peoples opinions, maybe for the last 40 years, and I really don't know why other than maybe I am tired of winter, tired of trying to make a nickle stretch into a dollar, tired of trying to cajole my 16 year old son into doing the work he knows he has to do in order to advance in school, tired of dealing with a 10 y/o son that no matter what I do tells me he hates me and that his father is the best thing ever, tired of just standing in quicksand and being up to my ass in alligators. My other writing has reflected it pretty strongly, I beat the hell out of one of my characters again, and honestly,he is one of my favorite whipping boys as of late for some reason, (I'm sure a psychiatrist would have a blast with that one), but I alienated one of my readers and they told me they were out because they couldn't take all the abuse of that character. meh... I've read some of their stuff and well, I don't think they have much room to judge, but whatever. I'm not going to let it bother me too much, better I beat up on a fictional character than a real person. I'm annoyed with my dog, who actually is a really good dog that deserves much better than he gets around here. Yeah, hes gotten really great medical care and all that, he gets good food and all the things a dog should get from a responsible owner, except for enough attention. I am so damn busy herding kids to school, through online lessons, keeping the house clean, working, and trying to catch a shower from time to time as well as manage the bills and other business, I barely have time to write or keep the few threads of my sanity intact. I have come to hate my ex more than a little. When he deigns to call the children, he never fails to take some time to take a backhanded swipe at me for something or another, and this last time, when he called after a week and a half of silence, it was to comment that he had seen me on the show,"Portlandia". I had gotten to be an extra for a skit called,"The Canoe Dance" and while it was fun and I would gladly do it again, it was not a great hair day for me. It had been misting earlier in the morning and my hair looked flat, so of course, the ex's comment was 'Wow, you really looked like shit, your hair looked terrible." He then went on to comment that the reason my 10 y/o was always angry with me was because I didn't know how to parent boys and that I didn't do enough for him. Never mind the fact that if I maybe had more resources, I could do more for him and that our latest battles had all hinged around the fact that my son was bored and frustrated with always being told we either couldn't afford something or couldn't go somewhere because we don't have a car. The ex whined that he wasn't in the daughters birthday video and he said,"You know, that's messed up. Why isn't there a picture of me in it?" Well, lets see...I had begged him to bring me or send me the kids memory boxes with all their stuff that he wouldn't let me have when I initially left AZ, but he claimed he didn't have the money or the room so he put them in storage, so all I have are the things I managed to smuggle out of the house when I went down to get the boys, which sadly doesn't include too many pictures because I couldn't find them in the tweekers nest he had turned the house into. The next reason is, why should he be in her birthday video? He hasn't been there for her for her last 5 birthdays and he did nothing for her for this one except for a call the day before, hes always just given her a half-assed apology for being a shitty father. It really pissed me off that he thought he should be represented on her special day when he hasn't been there for her, and I mentioned it to her that he was offended he wasn't in it, her reaction was the same as mine, "Why should he be in it? He hasn't been here!" She snorted and flounced off to go work on learning yet another song on her piano that he thought was too much of a gift to get her for Christmas.
I guess maybe bashing on my fictional character is my way of bashing on all the men that have pissed me off lately. It should put me in a better mood to get the frustration out of my system, but it doesn't. I think I need to put that story on hiatus and write something else for awhile until I can resolve my general state of annoyance with the male species.
My oldest son sparked an odd conversation with me the other day, I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and for some reason we started talking about why I am an ardent supporter of the Anti-bullying campaign and the Trevor project as well as gay rights. I explained to him about growing up in the era of Ryan White and seeing all the harm that was done to a dying child due to ignorance, and my own experiences with bullying and hate because of what people perceived,when you work in certain fields and dress in less than feminine ways and hang out with men most of the time, people assume things and I have lived a vast amount of my life with people assuming I was a Lesbian, including to some extent, my own family. I have experienced, first hand, hate and the kind of things that most people have no clue about and its horrible. I wanted my children to never, ever inflict that kind of pain on anyone no matter what they look or act like, and I seem to have managed to do that with at least a couple of them. My eldest son really gets it, but his comes from his religious beliefs, he may be a frustrating knucklehead in a lot of ways, but to hear my son say,"When you are a Christian, you are supposed to love EVERYONE, not just pick and choose. I have read the Bible and I know what it says and it says nothing about picking and choosing who you love and who to bring to God.You don't win people over by telling them they are evil, you win them over with love and compassion and understanding, everybody needs love." Damn, my boy maybe should be a preacher because he really would be a good one, he not only says this stuff from his mouth, he believes it from his heart and he was telling me about seeing a picture of a baby on a friends Facebook page, and then he told me that the baby had been a miscarriage because the mother had been very sick and it made his heart hurt to see it, and while he hated the thought of abortion, he understood why they were needed in some cases and that all the pending legislation made him scared for his sisters lives under such horrible control. It was a deep conversation for him and me to have and it even went on to include talk of a subject that he rarely broaches with me, Sex and sexually transmitted diseases. I was flabbergasted that he was asking questions, but I answered them directly and honestly and gave him the most honest and up to date information available, all the while hoping like hell he was sticking to his pledge to wait until he was married. Hes told me that his friends know almost nothing about the diseases and the risks out there to their health as well as what to be aware of, and that they ask him because they know I actually talk to my kids about such things in a very open and candid manner, even about drugs and alcohol and the risks as well as the true effects of them. I don't know why more parents don't talk to their kids in an open and honest manner, with the internet being the way it is, they can just go on one of a million websites and get the wrong information or information that is too clinical or written by people trying too hard to relate to kids. More parents need to do what I did, just sit down and listen and answer honestly, it has an amazing effect on the kid and it just may save their life.
Im hoping Spring will show up around here pretty soon and improve my general mood, and that maybe the pace of my life will slow down just a little bit. I was ecstatically happy to see Ridley Scott has made another Sci-Fi movie called "Prometheus" that looks every bit as fantastic as Blade Runner. That really brought you to my mind a lot last night and DAMN! I wish you were here to go see it with me, because you introducing me to the brilliance that was Blade Runner sure was a game changer to me. I miss you soo damn much.

Dear Roger: Manners, Even When Its Difficult

I am trying to instill good manners in my children, and Lord knows it is not an easy thing to do. I have always taught them to say,"Please and Thank you and Yes Sir and Yes Ma'am" and thing of that nature, as well as taught my daughter the basics of how to act like a lady because there was no way in hell I was going to raise the first,"Girl Gone Wild" or titty dancer in the family. I am enough of a scandal as it is without that kind of shame out there, so this past week since she has had a bunch of presents and cards rolling in for her birthday, I have made sure that she has been keeping track of the envelopes and the addresses so that she can carefully handcraft and address a personalized,"Thank you" to each and every person who sent her something.
I have been terrible about that in years past and it was one of my resolutions this year to get better at it, or to at make sure my kids started getting better at it but between trying to get her caught up in the schoolwork she got behind on when I allowed her to take a day or two off and just be a kid, as well as the day lost when she went with me to pick up Sticky's Ipad, "Thank you" notes have been a slow go. The distraction of the Ipad in the house has not helped us at all either. Her brother and her spent most of the first day it was here, just teaching Talking Tom how to say vaguely,(and not so vaguely) objectionable things and playing Angry Birds together. after she got done with her days schoolwork.
She has been quite the trooper about that and has managed to catch it all up and then some, in a short amount of time and I am very proud of her, I wish her big brother had her work ethic. Today she started working on the,"Thank you" cards and she is having fun personalizing each one to the person, speculating about what they might like and how to draw it.
She has been in pretty good spirits, especially since the 100 Monkeys released their new single and she loves it! We both do and she is eagerly hoping that they will come up this direction and play a show she can attend. She has tweeted at her favorite boy a few times, but gotten no response and she is convinced hes mad at her for some strange reason. I've tried to tell her that hes just off doing boy things, but shes a little kid and she is still learning how people are and in her world when someone disappears from your life, its usually for a bad reason. I'm going to just keep her busy and distracted with other bands, the goings on of the band boys that are left and the looming summer movie releases that look all kinds of exciting. She was front and center when we saw that Johnny Depp has "Dark Shadows" coming out and her comment was,"Dont even THINK for one MINUTE you are leaving me home for that one!" I wouldn't dare, she gave me such a look when she said that! I trust Depp to make something that will be okay for her to see, because with rare exception,(Sweeney Todd being one), he and Burton tend to make movies that kids like her can watch over and over again and enjoy for years to come, in fact, our movie collection includes most of them and often when we are home with nothing better to do, there is one playing in the background, so keeping her distracted and busy will help I am sure to soothe any hurt or worry and with her play coming up soon, she will be busy with rehearsals and planning for her summer camp and if she is going or not, then I think she will soon forget any worries.
I am so ready for the wet and cold winter to be over with. We get a couple of days of nice weather where the sunshine comes out and everyone gets all hopeful and happy, and then all hell breaks loose again with the rain and even the snow. It has really taken a toll on everyone's good mood most days, especially the little boys.
Stubby is not a fan of Oregon and he lets me know about it over an over, on pretty much a daily basis. I just tell him that I am sorry he hates it here, but there really is no alternative for him. His father is currently bouncing around in L.A. with whomever he hasn't worn out his welcome at, and hes still claiming poverty. He was so impoverished in fact, he couldn't send his daughter anything for her birthday. I ask him about helping out with the kids expenses and I get the same story I always get,"I dont have any damn money!" as he puffs on a cigarette and then proceeds to tell me about his adventures around L.A. and hanging out at the beach. Stubby finally asked me the other day what child support was and I very carefully explained the legal terms for it, refraining from mentioning that I would be owed 32k if the state of AZ hadn't quashed his fathers when he was incarcerated for domestic violence,(never should have done that little bit of math)its done nothing but make me crazy ever since. Stub said,"So if its to help pay for us, then why does dad say its bullshit?" I just simply shrugged and waited until he went to school before I walked into my room and cursed into my pillow for good 5 minutes, it wouldn't have done me or my son any good to have acted any other way and I, at least have good enough manners to know that.

Dear Roger: Moving Forward

my son playing at the Baptism.
Whew! What a busy day that was! And to add to the fun of it all, was the change to Daylight Savings time. I really hate the Spring Forward B/S because telling 4 kids they are losing and hour of sleep is like trying to take their candy away from them. Its even kicked my butt a little bit and I am always awake at 0500 every morning anyway.
Her birthday and baptism seemed to go pretty good, other than I screwed up the video taping of the actual baptism and only managed to capture snippets of it. She had a momentary bit of panic, she cant swim and it was a pretty big tank, she was surrounded by men and it was a bit overwhelming. I brought her the monkey, she cuddled it, he was sat on the edge of the tank so she could see him and then all was well.
Her brother played guitar for her. I managed to capture two songs he played and I was amazed he didn't track me down and try to drown my phone and me with it. He hates being video taped and even getting pictures of him is a major event nowadays.
She had a pretty good birthday with some nice presents from friends, and cards and other presents are slowly drifting in from all over the place and that tickles her to death, she loves getting mail and that gives her something to look forward to every day. She knows she has some pictures of her favorite boys coming in, so she has cleared space on the wall by her bed for them and she bugs me to check the mail about every hour.
She got quite a few Facebook posting and tweets from friends and all kinds of greetings and such. She tweeted Jackson, but got no response and I really didn't expect she would. I am afraid he is just not going to be there for her anymore and though it may be a painful thing for her to realize, especially since that has been the story with every other man in her life, I think its best she just understand now that its best not to count on men for anything, including a kind word. Shes a strong kid and I want her to be stronger. Knowing not to count on anyone for anything including kindness, is the best way to be. I know it sounds cynical, but it will keep her from getting hurt by anyone or anything in the future. She already knows not to expect anything from her father, she is learning her brother is more interested in his girlfriend than spending time with her, and her other brothers will push her out of the way to get the treats first, so she is learning to push back.
She is a very sweet and optimistic and loving child, but that can only go so far. So many times of her father telling her,"I cant do anything for you because I'm broke", or " Hey, Where is your brother, can I talk to him" when he calls have served to make her resent him. She kept herself busy yesterday chatting with people on FB and twitter and playing games with her brothers as well as working ahead in some of her classes, so it was a typical day for her. She tells me that she doesn't feel any older, but maybe a little wiser.
Our favorite band released a new single yesterday and even without the two boys we were used to having in it, I have to say, it is probably some of their best work! I loved it and spent a big chunk of the day tweeting about it and trying to get folks to pay attention to how great it is so hopefully it will spark a tour from them. Daughter loved it and quickly found the rhythm and was dancing around and singing and clapping to it so I think ,"City Of Bones", was a hit at least in her eyes, I know we are excited for the album.
Son reminded me that I am next in the birthday roster. I turn 43 next month. Not something I am looking forward to considering that the plans I had to go back to Texas for my High School reunion have been shot to hell by the ex due to me having to play catch up with all the bills he left me footing. It will just be another day, but after than I get a break on the whole birthday/holiday fiasco until Sticky turns 12 in August. That one will be one that will be a little crazy.

Dear Roger:Where Did The Time Go?

The title is linked,(hopefully), to a video of my baby girl and showing her and her monkey moments, set to her favorite song, "TIME" by the 100 Monkeys.
Today is the day my baby, the last of my kids, the wheel that turns us all, turns 8 years old. It shouldn't be such a big deal I guess, but to me it feels like the genuine end of her babyhood. She has always acted older than she is, but this year even more so. Like I mentioned the other day, her favorite band broke up as her favorite boy left to go be a daddy and an actor. She has tweeted him a few times and gotten no response, but instead of throwing a baby fit or getting snarky, she has been resolute in her support and understanding.
Her father finally bothered to call yesterday after over a week and a half without talking to the kids, and he spent all of five minutes talking to her to tell her that he wasn't going to be sending her anything right now because he couldn't afford it. She didn't even get upset over that,(shes actually used to that), so she politely chatted with him about nothing and then handed off the phone and went on about her business. He had asked her to friend him on FB and I was highly amused to hear her reiterate that she would think about it, because she knows he told me that he preferred to be Facebook friends with her to,"Save the hassle of calling." She doesn't want to make him ignoring her any easier than it already is I guess.
She has a busy day today; church in the morning and then she will be home for a little bit to hang out before we head out to her church for her Baptism. She has chosen to get Baptized on her birthday and then once that is over, she has her play rehearsal, and she reminded me that she made a commitment to the the play so she has to be there, birthday or not, so she will be attending. The kid wont stop going until nearly 8:00 tonight and then we will have some cake to celebrate my little miracle.
We are going to hang out at home tomorrow and continue the celebration most likely, she was actually born pretty late at night so I guess that works. We will watch,"Our" movie "Lilo and Stitch" because the new movies she wanted to watch are a bit too adult for her as of yet, eat cake, and just be lazy, though knowing her, she will be anything but.
Shes growing so damn fast. Changing every day and becoming a strong and beautiful child that is going places. She has plans for her future, goals and dreams and the drive to see the through. I hope that the wings she has continue to make her fly as high as possible because she deserves everything she hopes and dreams of.

Dear Roger: Rules For Being A Parent

I got up this morning at 7:30, it was one of those rare mornings when I got to actually sleep in because no one had to be anywhere, but my secondary alarm needed to pee and wanted his morning kibble, and I could tell by the sounds coming from the living room, my tertiary alarm was already up and would soon be coming in to ask if I was ever going to get my ass out of bed.
My tertiary alarm is usually my primary alarm nowadays, at least on weekends and days when no one has to get up early, its like Murphys Law, but that's just Sticky boy. I walked into the living room and sure enough he was on the couch, sitting with his ankles crossed behind his neck, watching some educational show on PBS. Hes so hyper-flexible he can not only cross his ankles behind his neck, he can put his toes under his chin. He and daughter often have contests to see who is the bendiest, and to outsiders its a bit off-putting at times. He was wearing just his boxers which had mysteriously acquired a hole in them since he started wearing them yesterday, and he was worrying the hole. "I got a hole in my chones!" was the first thing he told me this morning and I agreed with him and then went to make my coffee, not too excited or shocked. Hes a boy and he often manages to do damage to his clothes in some bizarre way. While I was in the kitchen he comes walking up to me, gives me a hug and a kiss and asks me to make him a "Butt crack sandwich".
Now, before you go getting too freaked out about that term, let me tell you, it came from his siblings and honestly, it kinda fits the disgusting combination of materials he loves on toast and has been eating since he was a wee child. Its toast, with katsup,(lots of it), mustard and mayonnaise and when we can afford it ham. He has started asking for ranch dressing on it as well lately but I drew the line there. When I was pregnant with my daughter I couldn't even be in the same room when it was being made, but now, I just go about it as if its the most normal thing in the world, most of the time he makes it himself, but he knew I had just thoroughly cleaned the kitchen and I think hew as worried I would get annoyed at him if he made a mess.
Sticky is special in many, many ways, not just because he has Downs Syndrome and it makes him operate a little different from the rest of us, he has all these odd habits and hobbies that just make me shake my head and wonder where the hell they came from? He has some mildly Autistic behaviors as well so I allow some of the oddness, knowing that to try and force it to stop would be counter to his nature, but there are times it just drives me up the wall. He has at least 100 pipe cleaners. It looks like a giant, technicolor birds nest that no one is allowed to touch. If you take a pipe cleaner and bend it into a cool shape for him, he gets pissed off, so no one touches the pipe cleaners. Music is another thing that has strict rules around him. No one sings "Reaper" by the 100 Monkeys in the house except for him, seriously, brawls have broken out bad enough that I have had to pull over the van when I had it, and separate children who were intent on serious bodily harm. He hates wearing clothes. The minute he hits the door when he gets home from school he is stripping off his clothes. He is skin to wind constantly. Its really annoying when people come over, but its how he likes to be, even when its cold.
We have all adjusted to his habits and behaviors over the years and we are all fiercely loyal and loving towards Sticky. He is my son and their brother. He has a wicked sense of humor that often leaves us all shocked at its complexity, and hes genuinely loving and devoted to all of us, even when we drive him crazy by stealing a pipe cleaner.
When Sticky was born with Downs, it was like getting blindsided by a Mack truck. We had no idea he had it because all the tests had come back normal. The ultrasound showed nothing, none of the blood work showed anything, but in the midst of the horrible delivery, as I was bleeding out and just before the seizure that changed my life, I saw his face and I knew.The last thing I remember saying was,"Oh my God, he has Downs." and seeing the nurses face that told me I was right. Waking up alone in my hospital room a day later with a Social Worker sitting beside my bed telling me about my,"Options" for my baby son who I hadn't even seen since that moment left me feeling like the world had imploded, but the only thing I had to tell her was that the only option I had for him was to come home with me. I gladly took the pamphlets she offered on being the parent of a,"Special Needs Child" and after she left I started unhooking myself from equipment so I could go find my son,(That hospital grew to not like me very much as I tended to do that), and after I caused a bit of a stir amongst the nurses, I was finally taken to see him in the NICU.
Tiny, sickly, but fierce and creating a stir because he had a full head of hair that stuck up all over the place and he was cute as a button, my baby boy looked like a transformer with all the equipment he was hooked up to. For 10 days we were there. It was touch and go for the first few and then he started gaining finally and winning and growing. My little ginger tiger has given me many reasons to worry over the years, but hes not something I regret and hes not something I have ever considered a burden. Hes my son. Hes different. All my kids are different. Hes very high functioning for a Downs kid and hes loved by more than a few people for his kindness, his humor, and his optimism.
When you find out you are going to be a parent, its terrifying. You worry about everything that could go wrong, and truthfully, there are many, and almost none of them are in your control. I did everything right when I was pregnant with Sticky. I didn't drink or smoke and I have never done drugs. I was healthy and active and I followed all the rules, and it all went to hell in the last few months. I developed Pregnancy Induced Hypotension and he had to be delivered early to save my life,but none of the tests had prepared us for him to have Downs or for me to end up with brain damage from the seizure that occurred during delivery.I think Im damn lucky to be alive. I think Im lucky my son is alive. I know my doc saved my life and my ability to have more kids, so im grateful to him. I dont understand how people could ever consider suing for having a child like Sticky, yet there is a family here in Portland that is doing just that, suing the hospital and the doctor because they had a child with Downs. They are suing for "Wrongful Life" and all I can think is what horrible people.I dont often judge people because I dont know the lives they lead and many people dont have it in them to cope with a challenge like parenting a kid like Sticky, but then I have to wonder, how would they cope if one of their,"Normal" kids ended up damaged through an accident? I have had friends that had a baby injured though an accident. The child got strangled on its car seat strap and ended up brain damaged and blind. They didn't toss it away, they kept it and did their best as parents, because that is what you do.
Im not religious. I lost my faith when I was 14 and im not going to go into why, but I believe that you have a duty and an obligation to those dependent on you to protect them and love them and do your best to care for them. Im not the best person in the world, I am atoning for many things, but I know that I did the right thing with Sticky, and I am proud to be his mother and I dont need 3.6 million to make me feel that way.

Dear Roger: Monkey Loving

My kid is a better person than me. I've probably said that before, but really, she is truly and honestly a better person. She sees only the good in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, trusting that they are doing what is best and loving unconditionally, unless they have personally hurt her or someone she loves. After she got over the initial shock of the Monkey boys going their separate ways, she made sure to comfort ME! She seemed to figure out that I was a little bummed out as well, because, yeah, I have to admit it, I have a pretty big soft spot when it comes to those guys. They have been the sunshine in the darkness for us and I freaking hate change, so I guess I was a little mopey as well. I understood the reasoning, because, I gave up something that was just about my sole reason for existing,(I thought), when I realized my little boy needed me more than I needed my police officers badge, so I get it, but its still hard to see things change.
I took her out with me yesterday to get a few groceries and while we were out together, we finally did some talking without the boys breathing down out necks or making fun of us, so I asked her how she was doing? She told me,"Well, I'm still a little sad and I will miss him very much, but I understand why he left.People have lives to live and hes going to be a daddy, and good daddies want to be with their kids, and Jackson will be a good daddy, not like my daddy so he will want to be home, not out all the time and away and concerts are too noisy for babies.He just better quit smoking because that's not good for babies. Jerad will be back and he will take care of things, and im getting used to Ben G. hes big and a little scary and lots of weird, but weird is very good. I will still love Jackson always, and maybe someday I will see him again and I hope he wont forget me because I will never forget him."
It was hard to not tear up in the middle of the damn store. I was so proud of her that I did hug and kiss her and tell her that. Because I had been so worried about her not handling things at all. Its hard when your heroes do things you don't expect. I still think I was traumatized forever by seeing John Wayne die in the "Cowboys". I mean, the man had practically raised me because my father was in Viet Nam for 3 tours and then checked out when he got back, so other than you, when you weren't in Japan or Grandpa, the Duke was my father figure, so seeing him shot and killed (even in a movie), in front of me when I was her age, was horrific and I remember crying so hard that I threw up, but her? She cried, and even seeing a couple of the videos have brought a little grimace of sadness to her face today, but she is doing pretty good all in all. Her favorite boy tweeted out a pic of his babies bits last night, showing that he is having a son, and she was ecstatic! Whooping and hollering and then she stopped and looked pensive for a moment, she was doing the math, calculating how long she has to get done with her Masters degree and get rich before hes an adult.
More gray hairs.
She is getting Baptized this Sunday on her birthday and she has been inviting people,so far no one is coming which really stinks, but I'm going to be there with her monkey and that was really important to her. I told her father, but he had no comment other than to talk about something his nephew was doing. Im going to record it for her and that way she will have the memories of it. She hasn't said much about not getting any cards or anything yet for her birthday, shes just so different from my other kids. When it was Stubbys birthday week, he started in at the beginning and haunted the mailbox daily, and then got angry at me when nothing arrived until the last minute or late, her? its like she has bigger fish to fry, and really, I guess she does, shes rehearsing for her play and shes learning,"March of the Sugarplumb Faries" on the piano. The show is going on.