Dear Roger: Monkey is Questioning

Its been a month of constant questions around here. The company I work for is unpredictable and thus the situation with my job is constantly up in the air, and being that this company employs a practice of evicting former employees within 24 hours, my living situation is up in the air as well. I'm working on changing all of that. I've redone my resume and I have been actively seeking other employment, some in the same line of work, some outside of it. My boss knows im looking and why. I never just sit back and rely on anything so I just like to have a fall back plan.
I've been enjoying my life even with all the upheaval. I've gone out with my friends and they are over quite a bit to visit, and we dog sit for them to keep their new puppy from being stuck at home alone all day long. Its not only good for the puppy, its good for Benny, as he has a couple of playmates to keep him occupied during the day. He's a very social little dog and hes made a few friends around the complex both human and dog, with his favorites being a Jack Russell named,"Jay" oddly enough, and a Cockapoo named "Milo". He would get to play with them more but he tends to try to hump everything and steal their toys. I've decided that Ill probably have him neutered this next month to cut down on the random humping of everything and everyone, even though the thought of him being cut on makes my stomach flip over because I do love him so very much.
My daughter has been quite a source of gray hairs this month. She has developed a bit of a crush on my friends and while she understands they are a gay couple, it doesn't change they fact they are quite cute and she is quite smitten. Shes only 8, so its one of those sweet little crushes where she writes their names with little hearts and butterflies around them and rainbows all around, she does everything she can to stall and stay up late so she can hang out with them and visit and she just so happens to leave her homework out so her favorite can check it over and just so happen to find a mistake she will need to correct with his help! Considering she has always gotten perfect scores on her homework previously, I suspect she has developed this as a tactic to just spend time around him. They kindly indulge her and she will be accompanying us to the opening of the gallery exhibit of Kelly Rathbones show here in Portland, and that has her over the moon excited! I think she has gone through her entire closet 100 times trying to decide what she is going to wear, she has nagged me about getting her hair done and she even wants me to go shopping and buy myself some,"Decent, fancy clothes" because she wants me to look less,"Embarrassing" , so I guess I will be buying some new clothes for the first time in a while.
She has been asking me a LOT of questions lately, questions like,"If I grow up to be..." questions and for the most part they have been okay, but after the boys left the other night she was sitting on the couch next to me and she looked at me and said,"If I grow up to be a lesbian, will you still love me?"
I didn't even pause, I reached over and grabbed her into a hug, and said back to her,"I will love you no matter who you love, as long as you are happy it makes me happy and that's fine with me." I asked her why she felt she had to ask that when she knew my closest friends were a couple of gay men and I am very actively involved in gay rights, and she said,"Well, some people freak out when its their own kid, iv'e seen that on tv, and I worried, what if Cole or Chance is gay?" I looked at her and said,"Aren't you worried about Conner too?" She scrunched up her face and said," Eww, NO! Hes always talking about girls and stuff, so its pretty clear hes not into boys, but Chance is soo prissy at times and Cole is just weird and he doesn't talk about girls at all yet, so I wondered?" Again I said to her, "Love is love is love and as long as its between two consenting adults, its none of my business and I support peoples rights to be happy and love who they want to love. If you are fortunate enough to find someone to love who loves you equally as much, I will support you and love them too and that goes for everyone."
She has asked me a lot of questions lately that haven't been as easy to answer and they have even provoked some arguments with her brother, mostly about schooling and career choices,(things I am much less liberal about), and since her brother just dropped out of high school to attend a training program for computer programming, I am already stressed out about the rest of my kids and the example set.
She has asked me,"Would you love me if I didn't go to college?" The answer was of course, Yes, but then it was followed up with questions of why wouldn't she go to college? (Art school which I explained is actually college), or going into acting which Ill admit I did go a little ballistic over. I don't want her getting into that mess. Its fun and cute for her to do her little entertaining videos while she is a child, but, its a sure path to destruction. I've just seen too much ugliness and destruction and pain come of it and I don't want her to see it as a viable choice. I surround her with people who do not drink or smoke or do drugs and we live healthy and responsible lifestyles and I hope by showing her that, she will find a path that will lead her to law school or medicine or even the sciences, but she argued with me pretty hard saying that she knows drinking and all that other stuff is bad and shes smart enough to avoid it but that she wants to do something,"Fun" for her career, she then followed up with the question, "What if I grew up to be a stripper, would you hate me then?" My eldest son about choked to death on his tea as I froze  and just looked at her, my beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed, dimpled and angry at me for the moment , brilliant yet angry little girl and I said to her,"No, I would not hate you, that is because I would have failed you . I would hate ME. I would have gone so wrong as a mother and a role model that I hadn't given you any other tools to make it in this world, so I would hate ME for failing you, and it would probably break my heart enough to kill me."
She immediately lost the angry cast to her expression and ran over and hugged me. Yes, dirty pool going with the guilt, but any port in a storm will do.
Shes asked other questions, like "Who is the boy and who is the girl?" in regards to my friends,(thank GOD not to them when they where here), and I told her that it wasn't polite to ask and it was none of our business. "If so and so is gay and if they are, why don't they just say it?"  That one I told her is also none of her business and then we talked about bullying and how the world at large can be cruel and careers can be affected by such things though the world is changing and getting better and hopefully someday it wont even be an issue that people notice or discuss. She has asked about things like child support and poverty and why some fathers don't support their kids when others move heaven and hell to do the right thing,(my bosses husband is a great example of a man who works himself almost to death to support his kids), how insurance works, why people get piercings, gauges, tattoos and implants. When she can get a tattoo, a piercing,(she finds gauges to be gross), or when she will need a bra.
Im kept on my toes trying to keep up with her, and I want to make sure she gets the right information, but there are days when I am left wondering if having a gifted kid is a blessing or a curse?

Dear Roger: Thats Soo Gay!

My life has become fun. Yes, my job is often frustrating and lacking in intellectual challenges and I often loathe dealing the the corporate denizens,but I adore my direct boss and the day to day duties of my job are not too taxing so I am able to perform them without sending myself into paroxysms  of stress and anxiety to the point that I shut myself off from the world too often, (unless corporate involves itself in our doings), so I guess I may be able to keep on keeping on at it for awhile.
I'm not going to get rich at it,(again, corporate will make sure of that), and it often keeps me from getting any writing done, but it makes me get out and at least try to interact with real human beings, and that is a good thing.
I have friends now. I have a few very good friends that I interact with on almost a daily basis in real life. I have friends that come over and hang out with me and talk to me and we laugh and have dinner together and we go out and do things together. I love their company. My kids really like them. I trust them and consider them my erstwhile family. I would defend them and I look forward to seeing them for our weekly dinners. I feel free to be myself with them and completely comfortable around them, as do my kids. We joke and laugh and text back and forth and even talk of attending the Spencer Bell Legacy Concert in Madison Wisconsin in June together.
It shocked me that I invited them to come and to share a suite with me and my other friend, and I meant it. To have finally gained male companions I feel that comfortable with at this point? I feel both at peace and elated. My friends are gay men, and in many ways that doesn't surprise me. I have always been more comfortable around men and gay men in particular. There is no weird sexual tension,(though I find them completely adorable), we joke about sex and cute guys and all sorts of things along those lines, but its not like trying to be friends with a straight man where you worry about that if you have sex you will screw up the friendship.
One of them is just whip smart and a grammar fanatic, he keeps me on my toes with my texts and we joke back and forth constantly about my faux pauxs in my typing and such and I enjoy it, I think in many ways he reminds me of you and that is what I enjoy about him so damn much. We are going to an art exhibit opening the beginning of the month together and I think that I am looking forward to that more that I would be looking forward to an actual date! We have gone to a burlesque show, out to dinner, and have plans for other outings. I babysit their dogs when they are at work, and its often crazy around my house during the day because of it, but its been a wonderful kind of crazy for me.
I'm not 100% by a long shot, I still have my bad days where I just have to lurk in my house and debate my place in the world and why I am still here, but its gotten brighter and funnier and I am making progress and friends, so maybe there is hope that someday I will at least reach halfway.

My dog Benny is  finally helping to heal the pain of losing Fergus, I can look at his pictures now without sobbing like my heart is broken all over again. Benny sleeps against my chest every night and is a terrible snorer and blanket hog and I often wake up with him sprawled across my throat which is a bit alarming, but he greets me with love and enthusiasm every morning, and every afternoon when I return from work, and he is currently ensconced in my lap as if its his personal throne. My only complaint with him is that I an not allowed any alone time! If I even attempt to shut him out of the bathroom, he sits at the door and barks non-stop or scratches at it until daughter gets annoyed and lets him in. I do not appreciate his company in the shower, but the alternative is annoying to the rest of the family. I guess I will learn to deal.

Dear Roger:You Are Who You Are

Since I first showed an interest in entering the realm of public service my psyche and personality has been analyzed and picked apart by every type of test and screening tool that shrinks and hacks could throw out there for the government to spend our tax dollars on. I've taken the MMPI, the Meyers Briggs, I've had to suffer through my,"Colors" being analyzed while people tried to decide if I was a team player enough for Americorp,(I got into Americorp and served but am most decidedly NOT a team player), I am very much a control freak who did quite well teaching Smoking Cessation classes to undeserved communities, because I was running the show and helping people.
The one test that I have taken over and over again since my very first class that was moshed up blend of Sociology/Psychology and English and Ethics was a personality type indicator test that assigns letters to you and its haunted me my whole damn life because though I have taken it over and over again at different points in my life, after different things have hit me, molded me, changed me and you would think made me a vastly different person, I always get the same damn response...those same damn letters that mark me as someone who no matter how I rail against it and want to be a colder and harder person who doesn't give a damn, just cannot.
ISFJ-Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging,  my son read the description of the type and he looked up at me and said,"Whoa...its like they just wrote a perfect description of you, except you aren't an introvert, you like a few people you just like them on your terms and on a very limited basis."
Loyal to a fault, those who have followed along with my life for the past couple of years know this is true about me. I am one of the dogged few still supporting the same things and people I have supported all along, quietly but with the same devotion and passion. Doing what I can when I can and just keeping on keeping on.
I work a job I am vastly over-qualified for, not because I have to, but because of the simple reason I adore my boss. She is the mom figure I needed. She has been my mentor, my friend and the best PTSD and grief counselor I have ever had. She calls me on my bull shit, has made me try to live in the world again, and she has helped me to find a focus. When she leaves, I will leave too unless she asks me to stay as a favor to her. Other jobs I have held have been the same way, I held them because I liked the people I worked with. If I don't like the person or company I work for, then I wont do it. I cant be bought and I've always managed to find places to be where people are somewhat enjoyable to be around. I loved my tenure at the Sheriffs department and I worked for free for a long time. There were people there I would have stepped in front of a bullet for. People like that are few and far between in my life, I've met one in the past 3 years outside of my kids that I felt I would protect like that, its a weird feeling, that call to duty and I don't know what In my genetic code cursed me with it, but It seems to run in my family.
My grandpa im pretty sure was cut the same and I'm getting the same feeling off my daughter. Shes oddly devoted, very focused and caring, and shes a hard worker that doesn't mind giving up the glory to make others feel good and she will fight tooth and nail to protect her loved ones. She approached her principal on her own today about having an assembly so she could give a speech about how bullying could really harm someone and how words are hurtful to people you might not even suspect can be hurt by them. I was shocked that she did that, but she is adamant she wants to do it, she feels called to stop people from suffering. Oh, my poor baby! She is starting down a hard road and I don't know what to do for her other than support her. I can remember being her age and standing in front of a classroom full of kids giving a tear soaked speech about how cruel and evil it was for the boys to have stomped and killed a nest full of Kildeer chicks out on the 2nd grade play ground at recess. I remember the giggles of the boys in the class and the look from the teacher, who allowed me to speak, but then sent me to the nurse to lay down because I was so overwrought. My daughter I could see wanting to kick the asses of those boys...shes the slightly tougher and meaner version of me, but then again she has 3 older brothers.
She has been bullied for her quirkiness, and its had an impact on her. Jackson no longer goes with her to school and she may still dress every bit as funky as she ever did, but she does not wear dresses to school anymore. She isnt as outgoing as she once was and that saddens me, because I do not want to see her become like me. I want her to be an extrovert and less of a giver, more of a taker in the world. Maybe that is wrong but as I sit here tonight, still fuming with anger somewhat over a snide comment that my ex made that I,"Overspend each month." Yeah...overspend the money I earn and use to support my kids on my own. I wish I had been more inclined to take and less inclined to forgive and put up with bullshit. I want her to be the type of woman that will take power and set the world on its ear, make it take notice and hear her roar, even if I am still sitting in the shadows quietly cheering her on.

Dear Roger: Work It Boy! Girl! Uh?! Its Burlesque, Who The Hell Knows?

I went out Thursday night with my boys. Yes, let that little bit of news sink in, I WENT OUT! I was sitting on my couch in the early evening with Benny sprawled across my track pants clad lap,scrolling through Tumblr, texting back and forth with one of my guys about the hissy fit my eldest son was throwing about something that I had done that had made him mad, and my friend who is gay was making me laugh by speculating that my sons behavior was very gay in itself. All in all, a typical evening faced me. After a bit he reached his home and the texting stopped so I went about my business of talking to friends on twitter and refereeing fights among the kids when suddenly my phone sounded with the song,"Secrets" which is my guys ringtone. I was surprised but figured they needed something for their apartment or had some question, but it was the one I had been texting with and he said,"How soon can you be ready to go? Would you like to go to an all male Burlesque show in downtown Portland?" I was stunned almost into silence and then he said,"Dress flashy maybe you'll get laid!" I was dressed and out the door in less than 10 minutes.
It was AWESOME! A grown up night out with a couple of guys I trust and enjoy the company of, and the show was really cool. It wasn't just full on strippers, (though there was plenty of that), there were a couple of really talented singers, a couple of gymnasts that were amazing to watch, and some really great dancers, but the act that stole the show for me were Isiah and Ezekiel. They are a team of an over 6'4 black man and a maybe 5'2 Asian man who dance together and strip and its the hottest thing I have seen in well...wow.
The guys and I sat at a table in the very front and we were surrounded by friends of the burlesque troupe so that made for a very interesting night as they all seemed to be well oiled and indulging in all kinds of substances and each other as the night went on, but it just added to the ambiance of the night. It was a scene that would have blown my very conservative sons mind but I loved it! I tipped and tipped well, made no bones about the fact I was damn sure looking and enjoying things.
We had a great time, laughed a lot, talked about all kinds of things that would have shocked people who think they know me, and I am really looking forward to going again. Our collected New Years resolution was to get out and start living more and this was just the start of it, and while it was a wild start, it was an awesome start! I got flirted with as we were getting ready to leave, and while I appreciated the attention that at least let me know I sort of hit the,"Flashy" mark, im still not into younger women.

Dear Roger: The Year Of Lost Resolve, and Many Other Lost Things

I have not written anything of substance since March. Yes, I have blogged and worked over stories that I wrote in past years and I did actually publish 3 books, and I have one that is primed to come out any time, as well as one that is in revision, but when it comes to creating a new adventure or tale, or even completing the one that is in progress? I have vapor locked.
It is a miserable place to be and I have struggled with what to do about it. I re-read the one story, and it just makes me sad. I love the two main characters and like many of my readers I want them to have a happy ending, I want them to end up together, safe and happy and able to be with each other, but for some reason my muse keeps pointing me in the other direction, and in a fit of frustration and angst not unlike many other artistic hissy fits I have had in the past, I even wrote an ending that was very, very dark. I delved in to the deepest misery that comes of a broken and betrayed heart and I had it end in a murder/suicide. The way this past year has gone, if not for friends of mine who are very invested in the characters and the story, I would have gone with that ending and then regretted it.
I hate not writing. It puts me in a bad place mentally and I am not quite sure how to get myself out of it. I am very determined to finish the story because that is what I do, I finish what I started and the fact I have left people hanging for over 8 months deeply embarrasses me and makes me feel like a flake, something I strive hard to avoid, I am not some punk ass kid that just flits from project to project when I get bored. I am more like a long campaigner, I dig in for the long haul and stick in til the end, even if it drives me nuts.
This new year should start off a lot better. The crazy is settling down with a lot of changes for the good with my work, (problems leaving), and hopefully I will continue to just gain skills and responsibilities. We are considering moving to Seattle in the summer or maybe to the downtown Portland area.
My eldest son is leaving traditional high school for an early college entry/job training program. Im done battling him over his attendance and study habits. The stress was making me sick and since he is 17 he is capable of making some choices on his own. I need to focus on finding out what is going on with me, why I keep losing weight and getting sick, and fighting with him all the time is not going to help that happen, so I let him choose what he was going to do.
I have 3 other kids I have to worry about and support on my own, so that is what I am going to focus on.
My little girl is growing up and sometimes I think its too damn fast. Her monkey stays home an awful lot nowadays and while she made a little video birthday card for Jackson, when she saw some tweets of his she didn't understand and she perceived to be kinda mean towards someone she likes and is weirdly protective towards,(most women are for some reason), she got upset and offended and hasn't had much to say about things since. Im  going to sit down with her soon and have an abbreviated TALK, she has been more emotional lately, angering easily, lots of door slamming and then bummed out for no reason. She has asked to get her ears pierced and maybe it will happen, maybe not, but we will talk about and I will see if i can slow things down a little.
I have one son that is a grown man, another son in the throes of puberty, one just entering it and a daughter who is of indeterminate status trying to deal with all of it and who currently thinks all men are, "Stupid, unreliable and mean!" so maybe its time to try and find someone who sets the bar a little higher and acts more manlike? I havent really, genuinely tried dating because I didnt want the hassle and honestly where I live and work the pickings are slim, but maybe this is the year to relocate and reconsider the value of a great many things in our lives.
I need to get back to writing, I need to find where I lost my way and I dont know if a geographical fix will help but its up for consideration.

Dear Roger: Changing of The Guard

I've been pretty damn busy lately, between work and kids and trying to convince my pup,"Benny" that the bathroom is not where he is supposed to do his business as well, I have hardly had time to put two thoughts together in my head, much less down on my blog or for one of my books.
My muse is still pretty evasive and though he has been kicking around at the outer edges of my mind for one of my stories, the ending would be brutal and I am sure one of my friends would find it in herself to come all the way from the Carolinas just to stomp a mud hole in my ass if I finished it the way he is guiding me currently.
My kids had a pretty decent Christmas. Thank God for good friends and a gift card from my folks because my job boned me hard. I put in 93 hours this month dealing with all kinds of crazy bullshit from my stalker who is convinced I am out to get her when in all actuality I have done nothing but pretend she does not exist for the last few months, cops on the property almost every stinking week and just one fiasco after another including death threats from crazy crackheads. The one break in the month was a glorious weekend in Seattle courtesy of a wonderful friend and if there is anyway in Gods green earth possible, we will be moving there this summer. After the whole, "The company is going to monthly payroll and oh, by the way its effective now so that means you aren't getting paid all of December", thing, everyone is ready to jump ship and head for greener pastures.
Daughter is especially excited about the possibility of a move, she loved Seattle and the Capitol Hill area, she really likes my friend who lives there, so the chance to move someplace where there is a thriving art and cultural environment would be good for all of us, but mainly getting out of the suburbs and where we are now is going to be important. We love our boys that come over for Walking Dead night, and we have some great neighbors, but we have all been discussing that its maybe time for some major changes in many ways.
Stevie was on twitter the other night when her favorite boy started tweeting out a little story with visual aids. I was half-assed paying attention because I had been tumblr blogging some pics for a friend when I noticed her face looked a bit stressed so I looked at what he was doing a little more closely. Stevie asked me,"Is he being mean? Why would he be being mean? Thats not very nice." I honestly couldn't tell her. It sure looked like it initially and she put down the computer and just left the room to go read a book.
First time ever I have heard doubt in her voice when it come to him. First time I have ever seen disappointment in her eyes related to him. Shes got a very tender heart and she knows even giants can be brought down when their hearts are hurt and she was and is truly upset. I haven't really touched the subject with her again.
I'm not sure what to say as I don't know what to think and I'm honestly just pretty much done at this point. She is growing up and things that have been absent from her life for this past year are starting to fade, even her father has realized that while she is his daughter, she is a very independent and  strong girl who has a hard edge in a lot of ways and a snark to her that comes from being let down by men she looked up to, and that edge just got a little harder and sharper. She finally left her church this past month over a moral issue and I have a feeling that I am raising a child that will stand up for what she feels is right and for others, even when it breaks her own heart, that both makes me proud and scares me to death.

Dear Roger: Lucky

Yesterday was one of those days. I worked all day long in the office, screwing around building a new webpage for the company that will probably go ignored and unappreciated by the corporate schlubs, and underutilized as well by the masses, but its a sort of living when they actually pay me. It was all in all a pretty boring day of dealing with tech issues, and phone interruptions, residents needing weird crap and watching it rain as well as just generally trying to keep warm in an office that is always cold and trying to ignore the fact I needed to pee because that would have meant I would have had to log out of the computer, locked up the office and gone home due to there being no bathroom, (just not worth it), though the issue about got handled when the big boss called for some reason or another looking for my immediate supervisor and when I went to get her number out of my Iphone I managed to take the music off of mute right at the height of,"Reapers" chorus and,"Free the beast!" was blasted into his ears just before I dropped both phones. It was a great moment for me.
It would have been an average day for me except for the fact that Stickyman was off at the mall with his SPED class for the day. I am not a fan of him going to places like that without me, but then I am a control freak who thinks that no one takes care of my kid as good as I do, so I dwell and worry about him constantly when he is gone. I don't get news or radio in my office and my twitter feed there is limited, so I didn't know anything had gone down until I got home after 4pm. I walked through the door of my house and found my eldest son parked in front of the tv looking like he had seen a ghost. The news was talking about a masked gunman who had walked into the Clackamas Mall and started shooting...the mall my son and his SPED class had gone to for the day.
It didn't even register with me at first that I had walked past his backpack when I got home, all I knew is I had to see my baby and make sure he was okay. I was on the verge of a full on freak out when he came wandering into the room in his green Roca wear boxers and said,"Where the hell is my dang Ipad?WOMAN!" I grabbed him and hugged him, and yeah, I was already crying because by then we were hearing that two were dead and possibly as many as 7 injured. He didn't understand what was going on, hes pretty oblivious to most stuff like that and could care less. Hes pretty focused on his Ipad, his pipe cleaners and harassing his sister, so unless it involves those things, Sticky doesn't get involved. I'm kinda glad about that and wish I could be the same way. I spent all last night having,"Worst case scenario" nightmares.  The world is a scary place and there are days I just wish I could keep my kids wrapped up safe and secure at home. I didn't get a call from his school or anyone about what had gone on, where they were when it went down or what time they left the mall or anything. I got my kid home safe and sound and in the end that is all that matters. I don't know how Sticky would have reacted in that situation, like I said hes a fairly oblivious, lives in his own head, kinda guy. Stubby is very much a, " If there is a monster in the house I'm jumping out the window and you are on your own" excellent sense of self-preservation kind of kid. He has no plans to be a hero, but my other two kids? Those are the two who scare the hell out of me. My eldest son and my baby girl are the,"Run towards the sounds of the gunshots and see who needs rescue" kind of people and while I understand and I know where it comes from, It scares the living hell out of me. The one thing going for them is that lucky streak this family seems to have, I just hope it keeps on keeping on.