Dear Roger: All For Naught?

I don't know the exact moment when I lost my life, but it seemed to happen slowly for me, especially since I had always been a somewhat selfish and daredevil type person. I lived a lifestyle of someone who really didn't expect to live a long life, but it was going to be a fun life packed with as much adventure and debauchery as possible, but then one day I got a wake up call in the form of a little curly haired, blue eyed, dimpled , baby boy that had no one to count on but me. His biological father had not been inclined to contribute anything other than some dna that he felt necessary to force upon me, and death threats for both of us when I contacted him with the news he was going to be a father, I guess when one is a paramedic, the only lives one cares about are those of strangers, but thus I digress. The baby boy only had me; erratic, immature, selfish, ME. I wasn't sure what to do with him at first but then he looked at me with those big blue eyes and something came over me and I knew that I had to do  my best for him no matter what, and my best was taking whatever jobs I could find, getting back into school so I could eventually get better paying jobs, and it meant that I stopped all the things that I used to do FOR myself.
For close to the last two decades I have lived for that little boy, (and his siblings), I made tough choice, gave up friends, dreams, pride, and travel to make sure he had things he wanted and needed. I'm not crying about it, its simply the way things are supposed to be. I struggled, I was humiliated from time to time, asking strangers for help when my health became so tenuous that I could not work enough to provide well for the little boy, I have sat in public assistance offices under the cold glare of the cheap lighting and felt like I wanted to sink through the floor, I have read the posts on my friends Facebooks walls about how they they welfare recipients are scum, and I cringe and think to myself that I wonder if they have any idea how humiliating and hard it is for someone who has had it all, then lost it all and struggled to take care of a child on their on while trying to get the father to help out, to real that kind of post from,"Friends" but I never say anything, I just pretend I didn't see it and I read on down and see their next post about how they think abortion is murder, and I remember about how that is what the father demanded that I end the little boy that way and how for one desperate moment when I realized I was going to be kicked out of Paramedic school and lose my job as an EMT, I considered it, but then I say nothing and I remember how much I loved that little boy from the moment he was placed in my arms.
He was a sweet child, all curls and dimples and big blue eyes and polite manners that charmed the hell out of everyone who met him. He has always been strikingly handsome and he was an outstanding student up until he reached high school, and even when life at home became difficult due to the situation with my exhusband, the little boy tried his best to be the hero. He started to change after he became a teenager, and while that is expected, he became a hostile and angry young man.
Ive tried soo many things to help him, he wanted to stay in one place, we stayed in one place until the reason he wanted to stay was not working out. He wanted to try online high school I let him try online high school. He wanted to go back to high school, I helped him go back. He wanted to move, we moved. We finally got a car, finally moved to a great neighborhood, finally have a great life looking right at us and he just seems to be angry all the time. His girlfriend was being abused at home so I allowed her to move in so she could finish high school in a safe environment. I thought that would make him happy, but it didn't. Nothing I do seems to make him happy anymore, and there are no more sweet hugs or,"Mom, I love you's: from him. In fact, there haven't been for a long time. We move around each other in the house much like my ex and I did, he like an angry lion about to strike out at me, and I like a nervous mouse. I cannot do anything, or say anything right so I have given up trying and I just go to work, do my job and come home at the end of the day, hopeful he is elsewhere so I will not incite his wrath again and hear the words that made me truly feel like my life was over, "I fucking hate you, you are the worst mother ever, I wish you would just go die."

Dear Roger: Kill Me or Cure Me?

Lately life has become a constant,"WTF?" I haven't been in my kitchen to cook in weeks, those duties have been taken over by my kids who have decided that we are going vegetarian,(they are trying to slide vegan past me), and not only is there no longer any meat in the house, what is in the house is constantly, disgustingly, healthy! No greasy snacks, no junk food, and no processed anything. I think my body has somewhat gone into shock. I do still have my coffee and that is the one saving grace I have and the fact that they have been making homemade bread and rolls and things like that to keep me from running to the nearest convenience store in search of a HoHo.
I am also getting regular exercise. Its not some 15 minutes on a treadmill kind of BS either, my best friend seems determined to walk the legs the hell off of me so we take off every evening and we walk for close to an hour. Its not some slow, meander either, we are power-walking /almost jogging and we are getting some distance on us. We walk up to Reed college and around there up to the main drag near our house and then back around and home. Its a bit wearing in crappy chucks, but I sleep like the dead when I get home and both our asses look fantastic.
Work is going good, the one problem that I was having to deal with on a fairly regular basis, decided to remove itself yesterday. When I spotted the activity and the Uhaul I happy danced all around my living room to the tune of ,"Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead", I've already started prepping an ad for their apartment and im looking forward to a drama free summer now.
My new car is pretty cool, the color is not what I would have selected if I had it to do over again, but for the time and place and the price? I would have taken it if it had been safety orange. I got it for below book and you cant beat that with a big stick. I drive my boy to work every morning and I actually enjoy that time with him. We chat a bit and then after I drop him I get to have some time to myself to just blast my music and relax.
Summer is going to be busy for all of us, my eldest is supposed to finally get off his ass and enroll in a program that is a combination of college and high school credits so he can get off my couch and stop playing Pokemon and back into doing something productive with his life.
Im finally getting caught up on all the stuff in my office and getting this place whipped into shape so it looks good. I love it here and most of the residents are great folks who simply want to just pay their rent, live their lives and enjoy their peace and quiet so I hope to be able to help them do just that. My boss isnt all over me constantly and that keeps my anxiety level low so I can get stuff done, and work as much as I need to,(or until my kids or my boy drag me out of my office), to make sure things are handled. I do love my job and my neighborhood and it makes it all worth it.
We fit in down here, there isnt the feeling of being outsiders like we had in our last neighborhood, and we are starting to meet people and get to make friends and connections outside of our own little world. My kids have friends in school and we go up to the school events and actually have fun. I think I get more of a kick out of seeing the looks on peoples faces as they try to figure out the connection between my boy and me, especially when my daughter runs up to him and asks permission from him to go do something and he answers, or when I ask if hes ready to go home? Life is good.  

Dear Roger:Achievement, Unlocked!

Im waking up another year older this morning and I actually dont have a single damn thing to whine about. I mean, over the past 3 weeks so much has happened that I have often felt that I have been riding on the back runaway bronc that I am just slightly starting to get control of, and actually I sort of enjoy it,(that daredevil bone again), so really, no complaints.
I have a fantastic new job with a company that actually supports and encourages me. The CEO is a woman, my direct supervisor is awesome and very direct and just lays it all out to me and gives me clear expectations and lets me get stuff done and there is potential to actually go places with this company,(once I find my butt with both hands), and I love my complex, even with the occasional knucklehead to deal with, its still a great place with a lot of potential in a wonderful neighborhood.
Our new apartment is wonderful, even though its a  smaller, and the carpet will be getting replaced in a few days which will be interesting with all of us living here, its still a cool apartment and we are happy here. We got rid of our tv's for the time being and its actually been good for all of us, we talk more, listen to music more and of course play games and read and just hang out more.
Like I mentioned yesterday, I have a best friend and he means the world to me. He hears all my big news before anyone else, be is bad or good and he always has something to say to make me laugh, especially if he is causing an international incident with Chile and I have to wonder if they are going to bombard us with llamas any moment due to his machinations.
My kids are doing wonderful. They are all in new schools and in my daughters school there are three gifted kids in her CLASS instead of just in her entire school! She is being kept on her toes and challenged and she comes home in a great mood and busy with schoolwork. Stubby has a male teacher and he needed that. He likes him and the work is starting to make him really focus on his schooling more. Sticky asked to go live with his father at the first of the month, and with the transition to the new neighborhood and the issues with the Oregon Sped system, and the fact that his father really finally seems to have his act sort of together, I agreed to try it for a while. It was a very difficult decision, but Sticky had been asking for a long time and shockingly the Sped programs in AZ are just soo much better than the ones in Oregon. He had a good teacher here, and the class aide was amazing, and they were awesome to him, but there was no way he was ready for 8th grade. In AZ he will be back in 7th grade again next year and back with his original cohort, and back in regular classes with an aide and his father has a work schedule that will allow him to be home with him every afternoon. My eldest son is returning to traditional High School! He likes the looks of the business program offered by the local HS and he is tired of the looks he gets from everyone when they ask what grade he is in so he decided to just return, do the accelerated program along with summer school and he hopes to graduate on time.
I finally own a car. After months and months of debating and agonizing and trying to secure financing and dealing with every shyster auto dealer in town, I found a program called Wheels to Work thanks to a woman at Gresham Ford and I applied for it, went through all the steps,(harder than getting a home mortgage), qualified, and as of day before yesterday, I went back to Gresham Ford and I bought my car from the same lady who referred me to the program. I have an Oregon drivers license license now as well,(finally!), thanks to the support and kindness,(and nagging), of friends and family and the program, and I am working on getting all my student loans sorted out so I can finish my Masters Degree.
I also plan to sit down this weekend and pull up that long ignored file on my desktop and finish the editing so I can finally publish my 4th novel.
All in all I think I have finally hit my stride.

Dear Roger: Everybody Needs One

I have spent most of my life without something most people take for granted, large in part to my stand-offish nature, my inability to trust people deeply enough, and just the complications of my life not allowing it, but I have discovered over the last few months that I finally have something I have long needed; a best friend.
He didn't start out that way, in fact I had a horrible crush on him, but having a horrible crush on a gay man is like shopping in a high end store with no money, its fruitless,(snort!) and gets you nothing but frustrated and maybe arrested when you finally snap and start grabbing the goods. The feelings have changed though and I don't know how to explain how or why, but maybe its because they have grown and matured? Dont get me wrong, I love him with all my heart and I enjoy spending time with him more than anyone else, but I have no expectations and there is no pressure or stress anymore. Its fun because often we check out the same guys.
Hes funny and kind and compassionate, but he also brings a good dose of reality and practicality to my life. He's the Yin to my Yang, the mellow to my harsh, and when I am having a day full of stress and pressure, he just seems to know the right words to make me laugh and relax.
He reminds me very much of you and sometimes that makes my heart ache a lot, but then I am soo damn grateful he is in my life because my kids love him. Stubby and Monkey girl have told him many times that he would be a fantastic daddy and while he shudders in horror when they say that, he has stepped into that role for them and they have pulled him into our little family kicking and screaming and made him part of us. When he is late for dinner we worry and all of our talk of future plans include him.
I am very protective of him, just like I am of any of my family, and I have a hard time not flying to his defense when I feel he is being wronged or taken advantage of, but like he has told me, I am the master of passive aggressive, so those who wrong him will eventually feel it.
He listens to me when I rant and when I talk about mistakes I have made and he doesn't judge, he may tease me gently and he may even point out things that show my age and call me "Mrs. Robinson", but its never mean like some try to be, his humor is actually witty and leaves me laughing. I have done soo many fun things with him I thought I would never do, like going to a Burlesque show,(twice now!), going to and singing Karaoke, going to the opening of an art exhibit downtown at night, going to Comicon, doing the Aids Walk, and applying for a much better job and moving to the neighborhood I always wanted to move to in Portland and finally applying for and getting the loan for a car. Yeah...if not for him, I wouldn't have been able to do that stuff because every step of the way, when I doubted myself or there was some roadblock in my way, my best friend was right there beside me to help me move it out of my way and to keep me moving forward.

Dear Roger:Keeping Them Off The Pole

I made my daughter write a letter of apology to our neighbor yesterday. She initially wasn't very happy about it, but after she was done and we talked about it, she told me she understood why she had to do it, and that it was the right thing to do. She hadn't done a really horrible thing, but she had been disrespectful and rude, and that is not how I have raised her to be. All she had done was say as the woman was walking away was,"I don't think that old lady likes kids very much." I had tried to stop her from saying the words,"old lady" but she just bulled on ahead and said them loud enough the woman and other neighbors heard them. The woman was walking away at a brisk pace, headed to some meeting, so I didn't stop her and have my daughter apologize then, I sent my daughter home and told her she would be writing an apology letter. I've had my kids do such a thing before, and I have had them apologize in person when possible. Its not an easy thing but we always sit and discuss it afterwards. My daughter asked me if I have ever written an apology letter and I admitted that I have. I have written two, both to the same person, both were brutally hard to write and neither received an acknowledgement so I never even knew if my apology was accepted which is worse than what she had to endure, because shortly after she put the letter on the woman's door, her tutor came home and told us that there was a note on our door. The woman had received her apology, accepted it and told her no harm was done and they were friends.
Teaching manners and genteel behavior may seem outdated, but I think its important that they know proper behavior and have a moral code. Sometimes in the past mine has lapsed and I did and said things that were rude or in poor form and I've worked hard to refrain from making those same mistakes and to atone for the wrongs I committed.
 Observing some of the behavior I have witnessed on the internet has made me very aware that there is a serious lack of a moral code among a large part of society that encompasses all generations. I have heard people of my age wish a young man dead over a social media site, call people names that they wouldn't dare say in person, and celebrate behavior that even someone of my rather colorful and checkered past finds a bit beyond the pale. I don't know...maybe I just grew up a bit too Southern, a bit too small town Texas, a bit too traditional, but I long for the days when I didn't have to worry about my son getting cat assholes gauged into his ears, or my 9 year old wouldn't have a clue that the boy she looked up to smoked weed and drank because she had seen videos and comments on YouTube and she,"Knows a drunk guy when she sees one!" . We have had long talks about alcohol and drugs and what all those things lead to, and they are well aware due to where we came from, but I remind them that those things take away a persons control and reason and lead to many bad things like disease, harming innocents, and behavior that could change a persons life forever. I really wish I didn't have to have these conversations with a 9 year old, but the world we live in has changed and she sees drunk people almost daily, she smells weed all the time, she had a father who used drugs, and she is well aware of the seedier side of life and she doesn't want it.
She was working on algebra last night with her tutor so she will be ahead. She was thrilled to get a vintage sewing machine for her birthday and she wants to learn how to sew in order to be able to make,"Fancy party dresses", she nags at her brothers about always dressing their best and staying presentable, using their manners and being,"Gentlemen", so hopefully she will always remember to be a young lady.
The apology letter was a reminder that in her efforts to get ahead in the world she has to remember that there are other people in the world with her and it is my hope that she will grow to be the kind of person that tries to help them and if she cannot help them, she damn sure wont hurt them. That is what I have worked hard to achieve for myself these last few years and while its a struggle every single day, and I am still atoning, I haven't had to write an apology letter lately.

Dear Roger: Monkey Team Switch?

So my little monkey girl is now 9, only shes not so little anymore and im not so sure she is still a monkey girl. Her party had an odd mixed theme of a,"Glittery Unicorn pooping a rainbow" cake,accompanied by,"My Lil Pony" plates and settings, and then we had karaoke and sushi. She really didn't ask for any presents, in fact she mainly just wanted time with her friends and family and to get out of the house to have some fun. She sang a few Katy Perry songs, a Kesha song and on a dare she sang the CeLo Green song,"F-You". That one was oddly enthusiastic and considering she had to be really careful to not actually cuss, I was surprised she belted out as confidently as she did. All the songs she sang were about either being left, breaking up or the end of something and I hope its not her saying,"Goodbye" to being the sweet little girl she has always been.
Shes a tough kid now and she flips her brothers the business, is scornful of most men and she has a temper. She also hates making mistakes. Some of her most dramatic shows of temper have come when she has been challenged by her tutor to do something that is far above her academic level, and she either doesn't get it exactly perfect or he points out some way it could have been better instead of telling her it was absolutely perfect, but he has her doing college level work that is designed to challenge her to the point of failure so she will learn how to overcome it. She is excited about going to Gifted Camp this summer and plans on doing everything she can to show them that she should be looked at for additional scholarships and programs to challenge her. She is getting frustrated with her school and we she saw me bring home some information about apartments downtown near better schools, she got excited and hopeful. I hate that the fact we live in a suburb and don't have a car limits her ability to get a quality education.
Friends tried to get her favorite boy to tweet her, but he didn't and honestly, I didn't figure he would and she didn't even notice. She was too busy with her tutor and her friends and I'm pretty sure she has started to see him as just another man. Her one comment that even referenced him was when she thanked everyone for coming to her party and she said,"Thanks for coming and helping make up for the total suckage of last year, at least no one ruined it this year for me by killing my favorite band!" We all laughed and went about enjoying our sushi, but I was shocked. She has never been snarky like that before. She almost left her jackson hanging on the back of the chair at the sushi restaurant, and while she still hangs onto him, she worries more about Graupner and is still hopeful I will figure out someway to take her to SBL in June so she can give him a hug.
I dont know what is bringing about the change in her, maybe its that shes finally realized the boy she adored has wandered off on down some path she cannot follow and until he finds his way back its best she just move on along her on that leads ever upwards.

Dear Roger: Excuse Me While I Talk With The Voices In My Head

Being a writer is a bit of a mental illness. When I have a plot or a story line I am chasing, I often wrestle it around for days, sometimes talking it out. The characters can be difficult to get into, with their motivations and lives changing with the stroke of a pen and it can be frustrating to figure out what direction my muse is trying to push me. My kids are used to me talking out loud or muttering and scribbling on odd bits of paper, looking frustrated and sometimes typing so hard on my computer that my son makes noises of distress and says,"Are you beating someone up again or mad at another character? You are punishing your computer!" He has learned that computers do not last long with me, often having keys bare of their letters with worn spots where the wrist rest is, odd coffee stains on the screen and a search history full of topics that he has learned to never click on if he values his sanity as a hetero male.
When I have writers block its not fun to be around me. I get morose and grumpy, struggling to figure out what has happened to stop the flow of words. I've had writers block for most of the last 9 months and its been so bad I haven't even dared to touch one of my stories that was finished and only in need of its final editing for fear of launching into a hissy fit driven melee of destruction along the lines of the,"Great Artistic Bonfire of '91" that took out most of my photography and artwork. I have another story that I had been sharing online with some friends that I left with the characters lingering in a very tenuous position, and my inclination has been to have them end it all in a passionate, rage driven murder/suicide. Yet when I mention what my potential end is for them, my faithful readers do not react well and honestly, it would break my heart to end them, but every time I open the the files that is what I see happening so I have left it alone.
I started writing another story a while back about a young musician who turned to street hustling to survive, and its actually flowing pretty well on occasion. There has been a young man who wanders   past the office on occasion that fuels ideas for his mis-adventures, so I may actually be able to do something with this one, but between work and kids and doctors appointments its hard to keep the focus.
I have written 3 songs and a friend of mine who saw them was impressed, but I don't know what to do with them. Ill probably just give them to my son or daughter or maybe enter them in some contest in the next year if I find the time, but its weird how they come to me. I used to write and sometimes perform Cowboy Poetry,(a looong time ago), and the songwriting comes to me much like the poetry from back then did. I still have many of those poems I wrote and maybe someday my kids will do something with them. My son seems pretty intrigued by them and hes got the musical bone as does my little girl.
Had another doctors appointment the other day to try and figure out where the hell the bruises and the exhaustion might be coming from. They drew SIX damn tubes of blood off of me after telling me that even with all the cooking and eating ive been doing that I've neither lost nor gained any weight. At least Im holding steady, so I will see that as a positive, though summer is coming and I tend to shed weight in summer pretty badly. The doctor had them test me for liver function, platelets, cbc, thyroid, and then she asked if she could test me for a couple of diseases I haven't been tested for in a few years. I told her that even though its been a long dry spell she might as well as its better to be safe than sorry and with 11 years in public safety spent mucking around in the mud,blood beer and various body fluids on accident scenes and dead body calls its probably a good idea.
My little girl has her party on the 9th and she is really excited. The only kids that are going are her siblings and while that might be odd for most kids, for her its really not.She hasn't asked for anything other than the party and that is just one of the things I love about her so damn much. With her its not about things, its about time spent with loved ones. I know she really would like a new computer,(hell, we all would!) but she doesn't ask and when she does finally snap and have a bratty moment, she always apologizes and hugs the person she snapped at,(usually her tutor), and often cries because she is upset at herself. She is growing up so fast and even with the changes over this last year she is still my sweet monkey girl.